My Precious blessings

Today i am thankful to God for,my Children, and all the other Blessings He gives us, when times are Hard, and before we knew Him, we would have despaired, but now we never have to endure anything alone! Praise Him.
I feel sometimes that God hides His true Nature from us, until we are really comitted,and He hides His Nature from the unbelievers, always really puzzled me,but He is God and He can do what He wants.
Someone once said that the Bible is a closed book too,until you know the Author its as if its in code, interesting,with other books we can pick it up as we go along, but not with the Bible.So anyone who comments on it who doesn't know Him really cant know what they are talking about!!!!.., i remember reading a passage from Romans years ago, after i was born again it seemed to jump out of the page at me.
My Beautiful Tashies Birthday on Saturday,she is so happy now,in fact i have never known her so happy.She is a blessing to me, one of the many He has given me, i am not special, He gives many blessings to all His children, you just have to ask Him into your heart,say sorry for the Bad and He will bless You.

Filthy Lucre,and something far Better

Today i am grateful to God for good friends, who care about me,more valuable than gold, or any amount of money.
I have inherited some money from my Mums Will,not a huge amount,but enough to live on for a few years!..Its quite strange to be able to buy things,without worrying about it,or having to check first if i can afford it, it will mean i can go to my Caravan a lot more, because that was one of the things that would hold me back sometimes.
My children have been encouraging me to buy something for myself,so i have bought some gym equipment to try to lose weight, because of Ben i cant always get to the Gym.
Like Most Christians money is not important to me,unbelievers tend to desire it more, because they have nothing else to hold onto,no Loving Father who will always love and protect them as we do. So sad.

Honesty and Loyalty

Today I am grateful to God for His Peace in my life, Even though the Enemy of our souls has been trying to rob me of that Peace, its a precious gift from my Father in heaven,i have walked away from it a few times this last six days but its always there when i repent and return to It.
 One of the blips was an anonymous text message with vile language,from someone who claims to be a Christian,saying my Ex ( Howard) was having sex with the scam artist for money!!!.. quite funny really, why would they think i would care less about that!!!... i strung them along for a while to see if i could get them to give themselves away, then i got bored, and their last text said, i was 'only trying to help'....so i texted back that they weren't and were trying to upset me...sad....sad....sad.
Its such a shame that there are people in the world who enjoy upsetting others,abusing , being violent,controlling, i have wondered so much about why they do it, and for what payback? Lundy Bancrofts book was so helpful for me! It was not good enough for me to just dismiss them as 'nasty' pieces of work'.In a nutshell his conclusions were that they behave like that because they enjoy it!.... some of them spend a while planning the next abuse incident, relishing, and enjoying it, its a bit of a shock, to an ordinary person,who does not want to hurt those i love even if they have hurt or betrayed me.
I saw an interesting study,could have been the Dark Triad, which said that all societies have these individuals, but in close knit small societies they cannot function so well, because everyone knows everyone else and they stand out too much, their anonymity in Modern society makes it easier for them to Function.
I was upset that the Ex was able to be at my Daughter house, with Nathan there too,it hurts a lot, there lack of loyalty to me is shocking,maybe not so much Nathans fault, its not his house, but to sit in the same room as someone who they saw beat me??...be friendly, speak to Him.
I could never do that,i feel too loyal to them to ever be around anyone who hurt them.I must have been a very bad Mother to have produced so much dis-loyalty in them....i was a bad mother, i thought my happiness was so important i put them at risk of Violence too......i thought i deserved better from them, i don't.I thought so little of myself, that i put myself in danger , when they should have felt safe they weren't.......

'tidings of debt and stress, debt and stress,oh tidings of debt and stress

Today i went to town, and was letting someone come out of their space so i could go in, and someone else who was pulling out to straighten their car, so there were  few cars behind me, most waited patiently, but there was the inevitable one who started blowing their horn! Christmas does not bring out the best in people,i am too big to dodge out of others way, so people bump into me, and they gasp as if its my fault! always younger and more able to move than me!! So far from the season of joy and Peace its the season of stress and aggravation, debt and depression! Its not a good way to honour my Saviour, His birth has been brought down by the World into another Pagan festival, which is where it came from in the first Place, the Catholic 'church' did not want the Solstice celebrated on the 22nd, so decided that the 25th should be the day, although he was born in September or October, probably during Sucoth.

Poignant time of year

Today i am grateful for the 'christmas spirit' and although when i went carol singing on Friday i was tempted to wear my 'bah humbug hat' i have had to give into the worlds constant Carols and Christmas, on every T.v. channel,although i am quite aware that in Connecticut, there are some parents whose Christmas will never be the same, just as i suppose it was for my parents 34years ago.
My friend Ruth's father,who was a Vicar said at the time 'it was poignant,to lose a young life, at Christmas.'
I am still not sure if the Solicitor has sent out the letter to the Ex,telling him that if he talks to me again he will be served with an Injunction,she probably should let me know, so i can be ready. I will ring later.

Kincaid and Carols

Today i am grateful to God for giving me my life back! on my way to a wonderful ladies meeting a squirrel ran into the road,which in the past is a sign that God is pleased with the path i am taking! after talking to some lovely believers yesterday i went to Carol singing at a shopping centre, there were about ten of us, Ben hated it of course and i had to leave before the end because he was using some very bad language!  The lady who was talking at the meeting was a clan chief of the Kincaid of Kincaid, apparently she says some of it was in the latest Skyfall 007 movie.

Down Memory Lane,by Frank Bailey

Today i am Grateful to God for good friends and family, God is so good to me,i am so grateful that He has saved me,I let the Enemy in a bit this week, everything had been going very well, i went to a lovely Church on Sunday, felt a lot of the Joy of the Lord there,it was wonderful! I have had a chance to tlk to a family member about the coming battle,which i cant really talk about just yet,i am sure that the Ex has been told what is coming but i am not going to give him any warning!
There is a long History in my family of Sisters not getting on, my Grandad Frank ( who wrote the song  'Down Memory Lane and had it stolen by a big organisation here in U.k) , had two sisters, Emmy and Minny,who were very close, and were eventually able to houses next to each other, they argued, and never spoke again!...Me and My sister dont talk to each other, now my Girls have not spoken to each other for over a year,The' Rosanna' element explains some of it,in mine and my girls generation,but Emmy and Minny were from the other side of the Family,so it has to be from both sides...!!!..

NO taming the shrews,no taming the bullies.

Today i am grateful to God because He has made us all different, it would be very boring if everyone were made the same!!! The Shrews and Bullies i could do without of course! but i would never want them never to have been born now, i love both the Shrews in my family,but don't like them!.. maybe i would like it that the Bullies were never around, but without them i would not have Ben and Joe!...i have been talking to Joe about him teasing his girlfriend, he used to do it to me and Ben,she complained to me about it, so i talked to them both about it, and when he was on his own last week,i asked  him why he enjoyed upsetting people, he said it was funny to see them 'wound up',' and i said' but if you love others you should not want to upset them' It seemed to make him think, and Daisy did says he has stopped.The main reason is because he will end up lonely, and alone, like most bullies do,i care about his future happiness, and of course Daisy's too, i know he would have some of his Fathers characteristics,and he does, he is very loving, and affectionate, the only one of my children who is,and the care he shows Ben is wonderful to see.I was just worried in case he got the bad ones too, but he seems not too,Jon their Dad once said he could not wait until they were grown up so they could 'see what a terrible person i was'!!... they are grown up, and neither of them can stand HIM.!!!!..really sad because i did everything i could to make sure they had a relationship with him, Now Joe says he wished i had just cut their Dad out of their lives when they were little.!!
So there is no taming of the Shrews,(which of course is a completely anti female Shakespearean play, when women are beaten to make them behave, and of course the whole concept a woman is tamed by love is ridiculous......)!!!...There is no taming of the Bullies, they enjoy it too much, and it works for them really well, but of course the danger to others is that BULLIES GET WORSE,as the victims get used to the violence it takes more to make them 'behave'.and this is not just my opinion, Lundy Bancroft says this too, please take care anyone who lives with a bully, get out fast. Love does not save you,bullies don't love,anyone BUT THEMSELVES.

The taming of the Shrew?

I have just been having a discussion with Ben about what he calls 'bad guys' and particularly one of the family shrews, or 'Rosanna's' as they are called in my family, he wants to have a relationship with one, and has said' i will keep her away from you in town', and the other one he is mad with for having the Ex round her house... and a lot of the study i have made about these people who would even 's**t' on there only families if it suited there purpose. and the answer came to him and really to me in the same moment,'bad guys are bad guys because they want to be' 'i will talk to them 'said Ben,as we have all thought at times, we are incredulous with their behaviour).my answer was,'you cant change bad guys, they don't think they are doing anything wrong, they think they are completely justified treating their loved ones badly' although in simpler terms for him.
An Epiphany! Lundy Bancrofts book,' why does he do that', which strangely really anoyed me when i first picked it up has been so helpful to me, as women we are totally mystified by Violence and control when it is directed at us, its confusing, but they spend a long time relishing, planning the next incident! THEY ENJOY IT...Lundy Bancroft has spent years working with these men, and as a man can tell all the tricks.

34 yrs ago, yesterday

Today i am grateful to God because He is full of Love and care for me.
Thirty four years ago,my friend Rebekah's son was born, i was living at my Parents house, they had been separated for two months,we lived near the Hospital so Rebekah's Husband Howard came round afterwards to tell us,he was so happy, maybe a little stunned by the whole experience, they were only 19 and 20,he really had no idea what to do(,he had been sent shopping)!!!.. and my Mum had been a Midwife so i was able to ask her for advice for Him,Nappies, etc.
My Mum told me that Mike had said to her later that day,'i cant wait til i have a baby, because Howard was so happy' Very sad of course because, 18 days later he went into hospital, he died 2 days later.
So it was Laurie's birthday yesterday, a date i have never forgotten,and of course now it will always be the day my Mum died too.

Elizabeth

Today i am grateful to God, for my Mum, its a year today since she died,she was a wonderful person, a wonderful Mum, and i am very glad she was chosen by God to be my Mum.I still have the little brown suitcase she bought me when i was a child in Kenya,i can still remember the smell of the plastic drink bottle she used to put in there for me,her telling me not to was in the patch of long grass in case 'there were snakes'.I remember how she spent an entire weekend in Belfast teaching me to read,they were using the Phonetics system, and i could not read until i was eight.
I can remember shutting the tail of her beloved cat Sooty in the bedroom door, in Chester when we were watching the moon landings in 1969.
I remember how she used to look in the mirror to check her make up and the way she used to purse hr lips!..She used to sen me upstairs at night when we moved to Shrewsbury to shut the curtains at night time, but i was not allowed to put the light on,'incase anyone was looking in'!!!.. very strange, we weren't overlooked, no on-one could have seen in unless they were on a ladder with a high powered telescope!!.
I used to hate it when i would watch T.V with her and she would critise all the women who came on, i never understood female 'bitchiness', never been like that myself, and i remember when we went to Mikes grave on Christmas day, when he died, and it would just turn into a rant against my Dad, i wanted to remember Mike.
She wasn't a Saint, and as i am one of the few people alive who ACTUALLY knew her longest,i feel i have the right to actually comment.She was the whole world to me as a child,a larger than life figure, so beautiful, which i thought was just me, until Tashies boyfriend said in some of the photos from the funeral 'she looked like a movie star'. Very proud!

fighting the good fight

Fighting the good fight! the enemy wont win, i am standing in the strength of the Lord,i am not hiding from the world and life anymore, and with Gods strength, we will have the Victory! Hallelujah.

creeps and manipulation

Today i am grateful to God for my freedom to worship Him, and go to church if i choose,i am feeling a bit insecure about this blog at the moment, i am not sure if the Stalker Ex (howard) can get access to it, i have felt relatively secure that he could not up til now,but it should not be too hard get to this, even with few computer skills...... I have been talking to a few people about the whole history of stalking, its really made me see a few things!!... mainly how this has really be going on for at least 17 yrs, and not just the last three!...its a repeating pattern,in 1996 i had to leave a Church because he started going there, it was the same this year. I had to give up all my friendships within the church,so i was Isolated for a while again, until i started to go to Dot's group every Wednesday in 1998, what a blessing that was to me!.I started up a friendship with a lady called Pat,who i was friends with up til she moved away.
I then made friends with some other people who had also left the first church, Mike and Pete, who introduced me to Rob,we had meetings,with up to 12 people in my house.Pete had worked with the Ex. Howard.So he got involved again after a while,he became friends with them, and complained i had not forgiven him,( because i had not taken him 'back'.!!) Eventually i was excluded from the group, (for daring to tell the truth that the Ex,Howard, was not really born again!!;but he was just doing it to get to me!!!.)I was judged as 'unforgiving',because of course they believed his lies that he had really changed.!!!..('AND Rob felt able to say my children were,"out of control children",Although Rob had never brought up children himself!!)
So they listened to Howard the ex, in fact whatever a load of patronising misogynist men wanted to believe of his lies!!!.( although each of them wanted my attention individually to vent to about their sad lives!!...) One Kangaroo court was held at a guy called Joe's house,(where i was accused of not believing Howard was born again,) (i had told another friend privately,(Andre) who felt it o.k to tell Rob...).A gift to an Abuser!......It was held in front of about seven other people,i apologised,very very humiliating. In 2004 we had another Kangaroo court, because i had dared to not object to Marion asking Darren to come to the meeting with us,Rob did not like him and Forgiveness obviously did not extend to him!!..
I mostly remember the Ex Howard storming out of his own house because the others were not HARD ENOUGH on me!!!.....no one noticed or went after him so he sheepishly crept back in....!!!! WHAT A HERO! his finest hour, not just bullying me, but getting others to do it too!!!... The third Kangaroo court was because Rob kept picking on weaker people in front of others,it was at my house with just four of us, strangely he did not appreciate being challenged about his demeaning others!!,and i have never seen him again. Mike was the last one of the group,when he had no other friends, who could not cope with his Mental Illness and unrelenting judgement of others,i was there for him, he said he regarded my house as 'open house' to him, felt free to come round whenever he wanted, mostly without notice.Sad... These people were not my friends, not really...so have i really lost anything?..What is the common denominator about all these so called friends?.. all were male (obviously,), they all had had VERY un-sucessful relationships with women, were single, or divorced in Pete's case( a sister once told me that he had dragged his ex wife by her hair when he found out she was cheating on him)... and were all controlling, or violent, or had been arrested for sexually molesting women!! So of course with their histories of course they weren't going to treat me with any RESPECT!!EVEN THOUGH THEY HAD ALL SAID I WAS A HANDMAIDEN OF THE LORDS! i wonder what my Heavenly Father will say when they have to face Him!!God forgive me but i hope i am there to see it!!

A Sunny day, and hope at last?..........

So i have a small inkling of hope growing......I want my life Back, not have to feel like i have to watch my back every time i leave the house, i want to feel safe. Will a piece of Paper give me that, will fear of arrest? i dont know....watch this space...........

In between places again

Today i am grateful to God for peace and quiet, which may not last for too long with what is coming up! my ex-stepson is coming back from China for Christmas,he is an English teacher there.I cant say what will be happening soon, the beginning of this week.Still feel like i am in the in 'between places'.
 I had a strange dream last night but i am not sure if it was from the Lord or not because i forgot to pray that any dreams would only be from Him,i cant remember the beginning, but in the end i remember making a phone call to Ben's grandad, and saying how sorry i was because their son had died, Ben and Joe's dad.There is no love lost between me and Him, he was violent too,and A Psychologist once said the 'trauma' of seeing me beaten up was the reason Ben is Autistic.
I expect the two boys would be upset, but i mostly felt sorry for his parents.

First Volley set to fire,waiting for the signal......

Today i am grateful to God for the strength to get through yesterday, i cant give specifics yet,but the Matresses are out, the first volley has been set to fire, and i am waiting for news of 'Battleready'...
 I feel like going out and starting the Battle, but i will have to see what God wants me to do,i know where the Enemy will be,at certain times..... lets see what happens! God knows the begining from the end! He is always Victorious in Battle!!!!......

My diary aged 8 - 11...,1966

25th June 1966, the day this was bought,(an Exercise book, my mum bought me and encouraged me to write in)
Clontacally Primary school, Carryduff, Belfast.
Today is Saturday,It is warm and the sun is out.We went to Supermac.We got lots of things at Supermac, and this book.
26th June 1966
Today is Sunday. It is a sunny day today, and the sun is out today.
27th June 1966
Today is Monday, the sun is not out today, but it my come out later on today.
1st July 1966
Today is Friday.It is very warm, and the sun is out, I was out playing all day,a girl called Fiona came to play she stayed all day, but she came to visit her Grandmother.My Grandmother might come here tomorrow and visit us , she is my Daddy's mother, and she might bring us something, she gave me a real watch on my birthday 12th June, and i got a pencil case.
2nd July 1966
Today is Saturday,
The rain came on this morning,when we, that is Daddy, Mummy, Michael and me went to Supermac, we went on the Bus,but Daddy has a car, but it is in Dublin, where he works,it was bought in Dublin, but he couldn't bring it up here, but a man said that he can bring it up here for only three months.I'll tel you why, my Mummy is having a Baby,and she will be having the baby this month or next.
3rd July 1966
Today is Sunday. It is very warm today, and the sun is out, tomorrow at 5o'clock in the morning Daddy will get up and get his breakfast and at 6o'clock he will go outside, and wait for a man to pick him up, and take Daddy with him to Dublin.
5th July 1966
today is tuesday,
It is raining today and we went to Supermac,but we didn't get a lot of things because we had to for the bus,but before that we had to go to the doctor because my neck was banged against the wall, that is why.
6ht July
Today is Wednesday it is very windy today,but the sun is out Daddy has gone to Dublin as i said on Sunday, he is gone for five days, and stays only two days.
7th July
Today is Thursday,
It looks like it is windy and cold but when you get outside it is So WARM. When i was down the road at the little shop, and when i was coming back i was sweating and sweating,it was so hot, now for some of my own news Daddy has gone to Dublin and he'll come back tonight.
8th July
Today is Friday. Grandma came up to see us, and she brought some sweets for me and Michael.
19th July
Today is Sunday,It is very warm this morning, and the sun is out.I got up this morning and Mummy was up , but Daddy didn't get up til ten-o-clock, and before Mummy got up Michael  was up, you see Michael is always the first one up in the morning, and when he gets me and Mummy up, then he goes back to bed, and gets his breakfast in bed, that's what i would like.
2nd August
Today is Tuesday, i know the sun is out,it is my friends birthday today, she is a girl and so am I
8th August
Today is Monday, my Mummy went to hospital to have a baby,she went very early this morning
7th September
Today is Wednesday,It is warm the Sun s out,I have a new baby sister, It was born on 25th August 1966,My friend Karen came to visit us, and they brought a caravan, we had marmite and listened to the Beatles in the caravan.
25th January 1967
Today is Wednesday
I am very sick, yesterday the doctor came before that i was so ill i did not want to go to bed, Mummy said i had to cause i was very ill. I now live in Dublin and i go to another school, it is Sutton Park in Sutton,when i got this book i was seven, but now i am eight.my little sister is now 5 months old at Christmas i got a bike, and Michael did as well.( It was a Raleigh Robin hood, adult size for an 8yr old?, my parents believed in 'growing into' things, school clothes always too big!!, worn out by the time they fitted)
5th February
Today is Wednesday,It is not a very nice day today, the wind is blowing, and it is cold, it is raining as well, i am not very well, I have Asthma and a bad cold as well, my little Sister is five and a half months old,now she can get around we put her on a sheet in the Dining room, My Daddy is in England now for a week, he will bring us some things if we are good,
7th May 1967
Today is Sunday, I have just got up and my baby sister is learning to walk, she is very good at it and she can crawl, and sh is very good at it, my brother always draws in this book, and if he does it again i will be very cross with him.    I BASH HIM  it still counts
 22nd May 1967
it was a windy day today,My brother Michael has learned to ride his bike with out the side wheels, one day he had left his bike outside and a boy had took it,and just because he did not want to ride it with the side wheels, he rode a long was and broke the side wheels off, we will be going back to England to live   
     1970, we live in Chester now, and i am 11 years old ( nearly twelve)

      1974, we live in shrewsbury now, and i am 16 and half years old.

OCTOBER 4TH 1975

OCTOBER 4TH, 1975,(aged 17)
Well hello, how are ya baby! anyway enough of the Kojak for now, it seems such a lot of things have happened since i last wrote in here!!.. i always say that!! sorry!! since July 1st, when i last wrote,but when i actually think about it not much, its only things that would have not been of interest to anyone but me..but if you don't mind i will try to put them down anyway so it reminds me when i read this,Bruce my boyfriend went off on holiday to Greece,late July,early August, for three weeks,his oldest brother got married to a Greek girl,i have met her earlier this year, but i don't really know if i told you?i don't think i did!
NO!! HOW COULD I FORGET!i don't know whether i have said but i have a younger brother called Mike,he was 14 yesterday, and he came to the Coffee Bar (christian outreach) to see Bruce play guitar in the Band,after that he came a few times to prayer meetings, we were talking about something,and he said that although he believed in the existence of God he wasn't a Christian. I don't remember in what context this was,anyway, a few weeks ago he told me that he had really become a christian!!!.. knowing Jesus as a real personal friend! i STILL REALLY DON'T BELIEVE THIS!! he's a better  Christian than me! i gave him a New English Bible, and he reads it in front of Mum and Dad!!, which i certainly couldn't! we were late back from Coffee bar,  so Dad had to collect us,and he forbade Mike from going out again in the Evening,and Michael didn't hold a grudge against him,although he had been unnecessarily mean, which if that had happened to me i would have felt like crying, and losing my temper, and almost hating his meanness,i don't hate him but the meanness.

NO MORE BAH HUMBUG

Today i am grateful to God for yet another confirmation that my Brother Mike is in Heaven,since i got born again and Baptised i have always wondered,one Day i was upset about it and i felt very Clearly God whisper into my spirit,'all who call on the name of the Lord are Saved' so i hoped it meant that before He had died he had called on God, i had even had a 'dream' seven days later from the hour he died, i had got very drunk, so had not really taken it seriously.I had seen Michael come racing up to me on His bike, i was in a countryside, with long rolling meadows, and distant mountains, he was about fifteen,(17, when he died), and he was so full of life and shone with health,or it could have been the light of God in him!. He told me what would happen to me in my life, which of course the memory  of has gone! What comforted me most was that he was in Heaven!
Tonight after another sleepless night i was just reading through my diary and found one from October 1975,the 4th, the day after his 14th birthday! he had been coming to the christian coffee bar with me,and told me first that although he believed God existed, he was not a christian, a few weeks later he told me he was!!!..., i got him a bible and he was brave enough to read it in front of our Parents!
I must have read this before, but must have just thought it was 'lip service' and how could i know he was really Born-again,God does not reject anyone who calls to Him! this is the best news, i have had for ages, definitely the best news i have had this Christmas season, its only about a week off a year until my Mum started to get ill and die, and although i always made an effort for my kids when they were small for Christmas,because Mike died on Christmas day 1978, i am usually pretty miserable this time of year! No more bah humbug!

June 12th 1973

A boy called Kevin, goes to the local secondary Modern school, likes Suzi Quatro,Description..Blond hair,short, large nose, waited outside hair dressers.he was too fast really, scared me to death, sent him a letter two days later chucking him, he asked Wendy out a few days later, but she wouldn't go, sensible girl.!!
30th June 1973;
this morning we went into town and got some super clothes,they should have been for my birthday but that was ages ago...............12th June
September 1973;
Boy,Richard, priory boys school, likes Beatles,description, dark short hair (like a Brillo pad), bit shabby . date. he phoned me up, pretending he was Peter B!!.
Saturday 1 st September
Kevin phoned( I'll call him Pigeon), and didn't say anything!!...
Saturday 2nd September
morning service at St.Chads church,Pill,and Peter followed me round after church!!.Pill phoned pretending to be Peter again, i went and then he asked me if i was waiting for someone... i just went home.
Monday 3rd September,
 me and pill went round 'Nellie land,' Shrewsbury school, and he held my hand
Tuesday 4th
went swimming,, but me and Julie didn't go in,went into the Quarry Park, and up the church tower,, went swimming again in the evening,Pidg didn't go in,cos he had been to the dentist, we came out and went to Sidoli's on the main street.
Wednesday 5th ,
All of us went swimming,Pidgeon had his hair cut,like David Bowie, cool!,we went to shrewsbury school to play tennis,and in the evening they came to our house and we played records, Pill had to go to school the next day.
Friday,7th,Both of them came to my house after they dropped Julie off,she said i liked Pidgeon better than Richard, (Pil)!!!..
Saturday 8th Sept
They were supposed to come but never did...
Sunday 9th morning
Pill was behaving very badly,he was ignoring us. Pidg was neutral, and Peter was trying to persuade him not to.
Evening
Pill phoned up and apologised
Monday 10th morning
We were supposed to meet them in the morning but Julie got the place wrong,and we COULD have had the whole day alone with them....
Evening
Kevin, pidg, phoned up and I explained that Julie had got it wrong, so they came round!

Sick and Tired

Today i am grateful to God for the Strength He has given me, to go to 'the matresses', which will have to wait a few more days, i am not giving in to the Enemy ANY more,i am sick of being afraid to leave my house, always looking behind me,never feeling safe, basically i want my life Back, and with the Lords Help i will get it! Halelujah!

Going to the mattresses

Today i am grateful to God for, the privilege of being His daughter! Hallelujah! today i am quite apprehensive,i have decided again to take some action about the annoying 'bug' in my life, that i have been unable to swat!!! probably setting myself up for a fall....again!
I am Sick to death of being a 'Victim', always moaning and upset because i cant get this out of my life. I have tried to 'agree with my adversary (brother) on the way to Court' Maybe i should take the same opinion as someone I knew, that this man is not family,that he is not Born-again!!!. when He, a Pastor decided to call the Police on Her, a woman who just wanted answers about why he was so unloving, and Patriarchal! He called her a 'basket case',she was Born -again,she killed herself later,because her Husband would not let her back into the Home.
He has taken away my choices,to live my life as i wish,to feel safe! Got to try at least once more to take 'back the Power', as my friend Eddy says!... more to follow...watch this space...

Roseanna, the first,and second.......

Today i am grateful to God, for the Holy Spirit He has given me, so i am never alone,and Him speaking through me,Randy has not answered my latest Email, i asked him some questions,he believes that i should be able to show proof of the Holy Spirit in me,and show him physical proof that God exist!! despite me explaining repeatedly that i cant show him what is an inner experience! He believes in the inner mind, that is different from the Brain, so i have asked him for physical proof of His beliefs, and he has gone strangely silent!!... poor guy, hope it makes him think, will keep praying for him.My girls are still not communicating, Tash was supposed to have Max yesterday, but asked if Zan (short for Rosanna) could pick him up 15mins earlier, was then subjected to abusive texts.I don't feel i should get involved,Tash does not want me too,i have been on the receiving end and spent nearly a year not talking to her,because the Ex was going there,missing the second year of Max's life...so Tash does not want me to miss out any more!
I was thinking about my pregnancy with Zan, it started off in a difficult time in my relationship with Mark, her Dad,he had cheated on me, i cheated on Him. but we were back together for a couple of months when i got pregnant,(the Ex was no-where to be seen,in fact he was living in the local park and would come to my door shivering, begging to be let in,didn't let him tho! Yet now he is claiming to be Her Dad,the actual facts don't matter to him though!!!...after he had forced me to have sex even though i said no,and would not stay away,until Mark came back! and he wondered why i didn't let him in!!..
So she started of in a difficult time,but was the glue that helped us to stay together, we were so happy,and were happy for a long time, because of her,but i knew before she was born there was something different about her nature, she would kick in bursts,violently, painfully,and then when i got a sickness bug for a week, i did not feel her move for several days, we thought she had died, but she was o.k,and a huge baby, the largest i had 8lb 6oz!
Maybe i gave her the wrong name!!!.., the first Rosanna was my Dads grandmother, a very tough argumentative woman, who fell out with her whole family!!!.. short, 4' 10, and always dressed in black, she had gone to America with her husband, i think was called Daniel,who had died riding a dangerous horse in his 40's,the local free masons offered to divide up her seven children,but she wanted to come back to Ireland and her family, she brought them all back on the long sea voyage, my Grandad Daniel nearly dying of seasickness on the way.
So none of us would be here now if it were not for her!!..that determination, that ruthlessness, saved us all,but how do you cope with that kind of personality in times of 'peace', the family she so wanted to come back  to she fell out with!!!
My Mum said to me once, when i was in tears about her,' she is only a little girl,why are you afraid of her'....she screamed the minute she was born, for a month,if she fell down she would not come to me for comfort, vary strange, non of my others were like that....
When i met my Dad in March we were talking about the ruthless people, ' and i said 'well we know who is the Rosanna in my generation,and the Rosanna in my kids generation is Rosanna!
When my grandmother saw me having a tantrum she said 'there's Rosanna',she got the wrong one though! She must have had a terrible time having a mother-in -law like that!!!..
So now my lovely gentle Tash is suffering, and,i am o.k as long as i do as i am told, (she is very careful not to fall out with me now, because i have inherited some money from my mums will!!!...), i bet she regrets upsetting me by letting the Stalker in now,she even said to me a few weeks ago, who would have thought YOU would ever have any money' nice, not.....

The 'Sower'

Today i am Grateful to God who gives me the words to say,and although i felt murderous yesterday about the unjustice of not being able to stop the unwanted attentions of the Ex, today i feel better, Praise God!!I am talking to a man who wants to ask questions about my Faith by email,he says i cannot prove the existence of God,he cant prove He does not exist! as the Bible says i should always give a reason for my faith, i have continued to email him, but it has been hard,he is trying to wind me up!!.. but if God can use me to drop a few 'seeds' in there i am willing! I wish there was a way i could sent the exchanges here, will try to look into it!

triggers

...and i have now got myself back in the same state i was yesterday,have i fallen for 'triggers' as some feminist websites say? i wish i knew....can someone out there advise me? the Rage is out...i almost cant tear myself away from this....God help me please.

Rageosaurus

Today i am grateful to God that i did not let the 'rageosaurus' loose yesterday!!!..it was a close thing...!!!,( i spoke to the friend (sandra)yesterday about the whole talking the ex howard 'up', yesterday, i told her about the struggles i have been having,with being friends with her,i dont know how much sank in but she did say sorry,) i dont know if it was the right thing to do?,if God does not want me to be friends with her anymore? He will have to make it clear to me!!!... After that i got really upset,and wanted to get revenge, it is very hard to accept that this man can control my life even though i have cut him out as much as i can!,
Rage is understandable i suppose,i even wrote a letter to talk to some older Christians i know, but didn't send it!!....don't know what i hoped to get from this,maybe that they would talk to the Pastor of the Church i cant go to anymore,this man is a danger to women, and children, (he was violent to my 5 and 6yr old sons years ago), and yet my daughter chooses not to believe me,or my other daughter,who witnessed it,and has him look after my Grandson.
I cant seem to cut him out of my life entirely, even if i stop seeing my friends, he still goes to my daughters house,and i know he asks about me,my other daughter told me he used to ask about me all the time, and that his own daughter was sick to death as i was his only subject of conversation, she even hid when he came round to see her! (I have just had a delicious day-dream about going to my daughters house, and finding him there, and calling the Police to say he is dangerous to kids, the Police station is literally across the road from their house.....wonderful)....i dont seem to have any fight in me anymore...
So the only way to be sure i never see him again is to not go to my daughters house,it did not work, when i tried it before,may still have to happen.As it is i have to make an appointment to make sure he is not there when i do go there.I could make a lot more fuss, i could tell my daughters husbands ex wife how they let her 4 boys, be around a person who is dangerous to kids, and i have talked to the Authorities about this,they say there is nothing i can do, and i am sure view me as an Ex-wife trying to get revenge....It seems the Devil looks after His own,!! God knows what is best for my life, Praise Him!

Inner witness of God

today i am grateful to God for,another day of feeling well enough to get on with my life,i am feeling happy today,my daughters have sorted out their argument,I have had my tooth fixed, it was a very large hole, all pretty boring at the moment....A person called Randy, asked me an interesting question on Yahoo answers,he wanted to know if i could prove God exists to him,he said others said they have a Personal experience with God, but it does not prove it to him,he then wanted me to say that there might be a possibility that God does not exist....WAS NOT GOING TO DO THAT...mainly because Jesus says if i deny Him before men He will deny me before God!... I said that a witness of an accident is believed even if no one-else witnessed it,and cant prove it to others, i can not prove to him my inner witness of God! I don't know whether that was the right thing to do, it seemed right at the time...sometimes i read back some earlier posts on here and think 'wow, that's really good' and want to feel pride, but i know it was not me, it did not come from me but from the Holy Spirit in me.

Trusting

Today i am grateful for my home, be it ever so humble!...I spend far more time at home than other people do, being a carer.God is still teaching me to trust Him in everything,and i am a slow learner,i just read on Twitter, a post by Christine Caine that says if you look to people to give you what only God can you will be let down, look to God' almost written for me! i have trusted husbands, friends,expecting them never to let me down,be loyal,respectful, and treat me as i treat them, in my experience humans won't or can't do it!!...Practical things, i am trying to sort out the house to get the central heating put in, and am being hard on myself, because i have very little self -dicipline....My daughter has stopped the other from seeing my Grandson, i don't want to take sides,its difficult to know what to do, i know the Lord will show me

Fleeces and challenges

Today i am grateful the He is my All in All,He provides me with all i need,He is my comfort, and my shelter, Praise Him for who He is.
I have been reading a really interesting Post in another blog,(Spiritual side of domestic violence), she is talking about forgiving Abusers too.
Yesterday i was able to get out of the house for a while, very nice too, it seems like sometimes when i do get out, that either i am really over-sensitive, or that the Enemy puts incidences in my way that should drive me back home , never to venture out again!! i.e just because you are paranoid does not mean they are'nt out to get you!!
( i was coming out of a place where only one person was serving, and there was a huge queue of people waiting, they all stared, at least six of them, through lack of sleep or whatever i stared them all down! NOT like me at all, usually would have been upset all day, so in the car i said out loud to Ben, ' i am in fighting mood today' he was not listening, (he had not slept all night, so the lights were on but nobody was home!)
It was almost like i was challenging the Enemy!!! laying down a fleece!!....., parked the car went to pay, and there were three ladies,all trying to work out how to use it, i helped them, they were a bit flustered and embarrassed,and the oldest one said
'thanks, we are special', just trying not to get drawn, and to take the sting out of the word, i said
'we are all special' (of course it could have been,she said they were, i may be and Ben is)!!! special needs!
Of course the Enemy was not going to let it go on that!!!,,NO WAY,so the woman said
'no SPECIAL in a different way' so my internal voice or the Enemy, (easy to blame him!! )..spent the next half  hour berating me, 'you've let Ben down' 'you have let yourself down' for not retaliating. I don't know, it could be that it was the first bit of human contact i have had that's not family, or A.s.d related for weeks.
So did i turn the other cheek? did i not engage because i was lazy, was it because i am a coward? No idea......i would just like to go out and not have the Enemy after me though!....

False Friends, and enemies

Today i am grateful to God for,being alive,with not the best of health, but i am here non the less! I have been putting off some decisions for a few weeks now but it seems as if God is bringing them to the fore again,someone i know was 'talking up' the Ex,again a person who knows everything that has happened, and who i had told how annoyed i was when the scam artist had done it,but i know i was wrong too because i had wanted to know information about people i had been friends with before,which was wrong of me.
I was starting to have bad dreams about the situation too, (a nice foursome,double dating, going out together,)!! yeuk.. so i don't know if it was her dream projected by the Enemy, or my dream,not unpleasant,but very disturbingwhen i woke up... i had asked the Lord that any dreams i had would be from Him,i can't remember where i got that from,
I had told the friend about the 'green pastures dream' maybe i trusted her too much doing that.I have been uneasy about some of the dreams and visions she has told me about, don't always seem of the Lord,but i did'nt say anything.
So i think the Lord is saying that i have that i have to break off contact, when i went to the Throne room about the Ex He said that Satan had asked to test me, and that it was now over and 'this man will not bother you again',after He said this nothing changed though!!.. i don't know really what i was expecting?...,maybe that he would just disappear from everyones lives, maybe that would have happened if i had gone to the Throne room earlier, like He said.....
I had to make the change, i had to walk away from friends and church.But really what had i lost? they were not my real friends,to be friends with him  after they knew the Truth?
I have to admit i do have trouble with friends, i am loyal, don't talk about people i love behind their backs, and i expect them to treat me the same, does not happen though!!..its the same with husbands, i  must have  too high expectations....the Ex used to take my kids for walks, and spend the whole time telling them how awful i was!!.., go to his mums with the kids and  both of them would do it!... Yet my other Ex, my first husband calls me his best friend!!!...he is such a good guy, i could'nt see it at the time, (maybe the cheating on me with men got in the way?!!! ya think!!!..)
I am a shockingly bad judge of people.....best to just stay away and trust in God!!..He is perfect, never lets me down!

Passing of another faithful hound

the last of the litter has gone my old Yorkshire terrier has died half an hour ago,i year to the day that the other one from the same litter died,she was 17 half years old, and i had not taken her to the vet because i am pretty sick of all vets, i was feeling bad because she had Cancer for most of the last 11yrs, and the last vet we saw said she could not do anything else for her, so i thought maybe the breast Cancer was back, but knew the vet would just want to put her down, and not actually try to help her,i looked at her chest after she died ( she would not let me before) and there was nothing there! so i had felt bad for nothing FOR MONTHS! STUPID ME, FELL INTO  the enemy's trap again, she died just the same as her brother,i was on the phone when she went which annoyed and upset me,shed had some water this morning but just gave a polite lick of the food i offered her for the last 2 days, when her mum was run over she sat by her side all night until we buried her, her own daughter, also called Gizmo did not do the same tho!, she is sitting next to her now,i am sure she mist know she is dead, dogs do.i patted her on the head last night when she was walking around, thank you Lord for her, i know i will see them all again.

A different angle

Today i am grateful for the fact that i have a home,healthy sons and daughters,who all love me.Most of all i am grateful for my salvation,He is my all in all.Bullies and control freaks may try to win, but God has the Victory, and He is the only one i listen too! sometimes He speaks through others who i trust and i try to keep that in mind.
What has God taught me recently? mostly that He is always there, having spent time being on the Internet, around those who are Atheists i feel a little bit dirty from it, but i will try to turn what the enemy meant for bad into good, and pray for these Athiests!...
We went to a conference once about Prophecy, which was not helpful at all, but the man said something which i have always remembered, it was when the Enemy stops pushing you in one direction, be careful because he hasn't ceased the attack, but is coming from a different angle, so don't think he has given up!
There are some Bible verses which say that when a mans ways please the Lord the Enemy leaves him alone! i am not there yet!!

'I love this family'

A man in a bad marriage,one he felt trapped into,blaming himself more that the person who he felt trapped him, does he deserved to be judged as Satan incarnate? I was there, i lived through 21 years of this train wreck of a marriage, the six week cycle of arguing, not speaking, making up, then the whole cycle starts again,and what ever anyone chooses to believe neither of my parents were happy, and because of it bad things were done by both.
Not just one.i saw both of their pain, mum wandering around the garden in the middle of the night trying to understand, Dad crying down the phone,i tried not to judge either of them, they were both in enormous pain.She felt he should stay because he had made a vow to her,he felt unloved and uncared for.
I felt very shocked by the things my mum told me about my Dad, why was she trying to undermine my confidence in Him?  Previously she had never criticised him,now she was turning him into Satan, telling me things, private things, trying to turn me against Him....She saw it as disloyalty to her for me even to have a relationship with him.
I know i adored both of them,i was not going to choose, they both  unwisely unloaded on me,in my 21 year old mind there was no such thing as black and white, i loved them both,but Dad never tried to turn me against Mum, and in fact in those long conversation's never said any thing bad about her at all, except  that he felt unloved.She on the other hand used to say, 'if your father really loves you he would do this or that,' setting him up to fail,to let us down,why did she do that? did she care about us so little?
It has taken a long time for me to come to a balanced view of my parents,my Dad bowed out of our lives,and i was very angry with him for that, but it was made impossible for him to see us, my Mum who previously had done nothing but defend him, had turned him into Satan.
My Dad is no saint,he freely admits he has made mistakes,he is an old man now, who seems happy, and has now been married to his second wife longer than to my Mum.
Being around people who venomously hated him affected me, i came to believe he was Satan too!
 I gave up going to Mikes grave with my mum and sister because she always made it a rant against Dad, i just wanted to think about Mike on the anniversary of the day he died!!!
There is a great danger in making you parents either Saints or Satan, because  they are just flawed Human beings, who make mistakes, like all of us, and of course,I am half 'Satan', because he is my parent too, so every bad thing said must be us too.......
Of course this whole mess was made worse because we were all suffering the Pain of losing Mike,which heightened emotions,its a pain you never 'get over',just learn to live with.
Mike used to say 'i love this family' with tears in his eyes, i know he is looking down on us now,what would he think about the way we have treated each other? more tears..... sorry Mike. You couldn't live your life,and the family you loved have just made it into a thing of Pain.
Shame on us.shame shame......

bully rides again,shame on you, shame on you

..and the Enemy is not going to win, or succeed in re-writing the Past, that I LIVED THROUGH, AS AN ADULT. whatever insults, or pain dredged up is not going to get me to react, (spoilt kids still screaming out' look at me', are not going to affect me in any way,!!)
If you read my post in December about 'Bullies' this will make more sense to you, the 'Bitch' is back, trying to re-write the past, she was 12 when it happened,was protected by everyone, who she now calls 'selfish self serving s**t bags.How can a twelve year old understand what is going on between adults?
 I have seen the truth, the way she treats those in her family, who are inconvenient or embarrassing,i notice on her blog she says, 'i made sure my mum had a christian burial'.Her word is law!!!...,  she will have her way!!! controlling!!!...
How do most self styled'disability rights activists' treat their family....,Do they treat the vulnerable with contempt,even to the extent of breaking the law,?( which states that no one can deny vulnerable people access to anywhere)
Calling HERSELF a disability rights activist!!!.., stands up to bullying, on her blog, but God help anyone who disagrees with her!.., her flying monkey supporters bully mercilessly anyone who dare disagree!...
 i could shame her in the media,bring down their self made house of cards, but i am going to turn the other cheek even though they say 'selfish self- serving s**t bags'
about my Dad  SHAME ON YOU.

He fights for us

Today i am grateful to God for a few days of peace from the Enemy, lovely day yesterday with some of my adult children, The Battle belongs to the Lord!, which was a song we used to sing at the church i was saved into.He fights for us, the only problem with that is that i always try to fight in my own strength, always waiting too long to give Him the fight!..Praise Him for who He is!

God is good....ALL THE TIME!!

Today i am grateful that God always gives us the Victory, Praise Him, i have been bugged by the Enemy, over the past few days, most annoying yesterday, also Sandra, who had a very annoying day yesterday, but through what the Enemy did Sandra met a wonderful Saint aged 90, who she is going to read scripture with, and can go and Pray with her! she lives near Sandra,so the Lord could be going to use both of them to pray for the Area, which has some problems!
Praise God, so the Lord has made her fruitful in the Land of her suffering, and i am hoping that will happen with me too! God is so good, i am so glad i am His daughter, and that He chose me, of course it is quite humbling to be chosen, its not through anything good in me though. God is good...and the people said....ALL THE TIME!...

Perfect Father

Today i am grateful to God because He is good... all the time! He never lets us down, however bad we are He just forgives and carries on Loving and protecting us,He truely is the Perfect Father. The best thing about being here is Him, Hallelujah.
My life has changed in the last few weeks,i guess the dream the Lord gave me about green pastures is coming true,i thought the other day i would have to give up more of my friends because of the Ex, but it seems to be o.k at the moment, God will guide me if that needs to happen, its been 9 weeks,i have restricted my activities outside the house, so there is nothing really he could do to be around me again!. He still goes to my daughters house, theres nothing i can do about that anymore,he did the best he could to ruin that relationship, and lost.I do still feel very scared and Intimidated by his behaviour, and really hate the fact that it affects where i go, but have to just accept it, one of the counsellors i spoke to about it said when i was angry about giving up the church that i had been going to for 15 yrs, said  that it would be hard but my safety must be the most important thing, i should feel safe,one of the last few times i went there i was leaving and the exit was covered by queing people,and he was in the way of the exit, i could not get past, it would seem a small incident to other people, but he knew i was there and was not moving to intimidate me, he is very tall, about 6'3, i am short at 5'3 but wide!!., he knew i was there,. He told me once he knew when he was intimidating people,especially women.I pushed past in the end,went outside but instead of crumpling in a heap, i decided i would not be intimidated and went back in!

The Lord is in control

Today i am grateful to God that we can live in the Victory,He gives us the Victory over the Enemy, we get down, feel overwhelmed, but all we have to do is turn to Him, and we have the Victory, and the'sting' has gone!!
I have a few hard decisions to make,i know that the Lord will guide me right in this,i have worried before how bad situations would work out, but i just have to stand back and let God do it, and He NEVER lets me down, Praise Him!
I am getting over another Virus at the Moment,Ben is not sleeping until 3.30- 4.30am, i have stopped telling him to go to bed earlier,he is an Adult, and i just get shouted at, i used to really worry about not getting enough sleep, even got him some mild sleeping meds from the Doc,but i have had to learn to be easy going about it at the moment,the Lord is giving me the Victory!
My Bible reading this morning has all been on one theme, which is unusual because the are randomly chosen....Revelation, Isiah, the vision of Israels rejection of God, and the Judgement! i have to believe that God is in charge, even over which Bible verses come up randomly!

Marmite and the Beatles

Today, i am grateful to God for the Parents He gave me, as with most people, we had our difficult moments,but i could never say that they did not care for us, as they both tried to do their best in their own ways, both very different people, who had different types of parenting, but i am grateful for them both.
If i just concentrate on the early years, and not the later unpleasant times, they come across in my memory as the perfectly ordinary 1960's parents,i remember living in Belfast,my Dad making a dressing table for my Mum,it was a bit of an eyesore,but she seemed to love it! He surprised her with a washing machine,as she had been washing everything in the Bath,not easy with three children, one a baby, they seemed very happy to me then,it was an idyllic time.
In my diary from then i seem to be happy,some friends came to visit with a camper van, i remember eating marmite flavoured sticks, and the girl my age putting the radio on and we listened to the Beatles, first time i had ever heard Pop music.
My  Dad would read every night from the 'wind in the Willows' i still have the book, don't think we ever finished it, i read the 'Hobbit' to my two youngest, i didn't finish it either...Mike bit right through his tongue,the Baby would be put outside in the pram, with a cat net over it.
In 1963, i can vividly remember our arrival in London from Kenya, so cold, it must have been oct 4th, it was Mike birthday on the plane,we had to spend the night  before at Entebbe airport in Uganda, because the wheels fell off the plane, we had an emergency landing,i was awake, my Mum said don't wake up Mike,when i asked why all the lights were flashing,!!she was very Brave,on her own with two children, as my Dad had gone to London first
.He had skipped out so he didn't have to pay his tax bill!!
I can remember my Dad having a new Blue Ford Escort car,when he brought it home he took all the local kids for a ride in it.We had that car for so long, My Mum learnt to drive in in, and when we moved to Dublin,we were playing on a long beach, while my Mum had driving lessons from Dad, we were really pleased when she drove down the beach on her own to pick us up!!!..I really can't remember much of what my Mum did, out of the ordinary, but she was always there,as all good mums are, i was so consumed in my world, as most children ,she did have a cat which she loved,the bathroom window was left open, and the cat would bring her presents such as headless rabbits, we could not understand how the cat got it through the window, the rabbit was as big as the cat.!!
My Dad always said she loved to 'torment the cat', poking it when it slept! i always think of that when i see my dogs sleeping, and yes i do poke them too! When we lived in Nairobi we had lots of cats, my Mum always used to say that they would sit in a circle around my Highchair waiting for food to drop! Other people we knew had Elephants invade their gardens, so we weren't to badly off with just cats.

Wonderful gift

Today i am so grateful to God for my family, my children, we all went out last night for a meal,and the best 4yr old in the world, my grandson Max!, I enjoyed it,my children are a wonderful gift from God. I m very grateful for them.
I really wanted to use it as a time to toast my Mum,did not work out too well, when i made the toast i couldn't think of the words i had prepared!!! So sad....
I can't remember where i heard it from,, but i wrote down ' the Lord rejoices over us with singing when we sleep when we wake we return the Praise back to Him'! Hallelujah

To live is Christ

I am grateful to God today for God who rejoices over us with singing, while we sleep,and when we wake we return the Praises back to Him! hallelujah.
I have been stuck in the house a lot more than usual in the last month,which can be very hard, but then i get to the point where i don't want to go out,i fell like because i am not meeting with others too much that i do not have anything to share,and of course He does speak to us through other people, but with me anyway, the Holy Spirit is always trying to teach me, i mostly don't listen as i should, so it has been really great to listen to Him for a change! what have i missed, what a waste of time it is to not listen!, to live is Christ!
 I think i said before that the Lord was taking me through everything that happened with my Ex,stuff that i had really forgotten, or just put aside,it was painful,i was looking at some sites about Violent and controlling people, which did help too.
A few other people have said they have felt really tired all day too, so maybe it was some kind of virus or bug,but God used it to help me come to terms with plenty of things well buried!
I was talking to another lady at a prayer meeting, and she said that the Bible says that one particular verse, which said that if an Un-believing Husband leaves His believing wife, she is not bound,so she can marry again,as if she had never been before, my study Bible does say that  too, which i cant actually find now!
It was quite a shock as i had always thought that my second marriage was against the Bible, because my first Husband was still alive,my first had been adulterous first. So the next day i did a pretty intensive study, and i found alot to back it up. Since then i have looked again and gone back to my first belief! it may have just been the Enemy,but its quite strange!

Praises

Today i am grateful for the fact that the Lord inhabits the Praises of His people,in this hard cold unloving world its easy to feel isolated, alone, which is of course what the Enemy of our souls wants us to feel,The Lord never leaves us alone,when we get up He is there, when we go to bed He is there,i was listening to a song yesterday, the words were, ' how can we hide from God who sees all?' to us as sinners its a bit scary that He sees all, but its comforting too!

Battle Cry

Today i am grateful for my God who protects us, always, even when we do the wrong thing, or Sin....

Today i know without a doubt that the 'Battle truly belongs to the Lord', we are soldiers,the minute we become Born again we enter the Battle,the enemy knows we have changed sides, and we become Soldiers in a Strange Land, what was once so familiar to us, we see now with new eyes,it is now the enemy's land, Jesus called Him the Prince of this world.
How can we sing the Lords song in a Strange Land?...the Prince may be out to get us, but King is our Father,He always Has the victory.
When i first Knew the Lord i used to see a picture of a square squad of Soldiers waiting, just standing waiting?.., as i went on with Him i was given a Spiritual Sword,and saw myself as one of the Soldiers!!
It Puzzled me why they were just standing, waiting and not in the Battle?.. until i saw in Ephesians 6 where it talks about putting our Armour on,and then it says 'and having done all, stand'.

I have read in other places,i cant remember where that once we are Born again, and have our Armour on, we are fighting Battles in our Spirit,which we don't know about in our Physical world,the Lord is using us to fight!!! and that is why we wake up sometimes and are really tired......I think it was in one of Rebbecca Browns books.

I will fear no evil,for thou art with me.....all the days of my life

Today i am very grateful to God because it is exactly 31 years since i became a mother! a long time....and yet it really seems to have flown by too!.. The largest part of my life! and its not ended yet, as i am still looking after Ben,they all are doing different things,buying motor home,learning to drive,getting their children to school, starting work after long gap,running businesses,running their own houses,building extensions,the things we all do in life.
I thank God for every one of them, every one different, i am so  proud of every one.I know we could not have made it without the Lord, He deserves all the glory. Praise Him.
I have had some interesting Biblical lessons,in 1 john it says' whatsoever is born of God overcometh the World' , and 'He that is begotten of  God keepeth Himself, and the Wicked one touches him NOT'
So i have the Victory, (through Christ). He is Good,and His mercy endureth for Ever! Hallelujah!
The Enemy has been trying hard to discourage me,it seems almost every time i leave the House, even just to take the dogs for a short walk he has his servants there to discourage,and try to cause me to despair,just as He tried to do with the Ex, (when i went out of the house almost every time i saw the Ex).
So i do have the confidence to say,' this is the Victory that overcometh the World' I HAVE the Victory that OVERCOMETH,!!!... and Being The Prince of this World, the enemy is overcome too! Maybe its overstating to say its the valley of  the shadow of Death!!!...,but it sometimes feels like that!  We should not depend on feelings. as they can lie to us too !!!..Praise The Lord.

Goodnes and Mercy.

Today i am grateful for the wonderful gift God has given me, my children, all grown up now, and the best accomplishment of my life,the best thing i have done,and the best gift from God,it may seem i am being Proud of myself,no i am proud of them,God has been looking after them and brought them to this point despite me!!!
The enemy of our Souls was bringing back some stuff from the past, so i know i cant be me who brought them through, The Enemy also wants me to think they are adrift without God in the Sea of this world, worrying that they are not saved,not living according to His will,or that they will go to Hell,But the Lord is victorious As always! So despite me and my failings,and the whispering campaign of the Father of Lies, God is taking care of them!
I have been ill for a while now, just cold and tummy,stuff,He has been leading me through some of the memories from the past,stuff from the Ex,which most of which I had forgotten,I don't really know why this has been happening, for what reason,maybe He wants it dealt with once and for all,As He has done before with me,He took me through every action individually the Ex had done, strangely I was not angry any more, but just answered how I would have liked him to have behaved,
i.e. His Mum being Nasty about me, IN FRONT of my children, when he took them for a walk there, ( I was not there, and only found out about it after I had kicked him out)

By Saying;
'Please don't put her down EVER, and especially not in front of her children, she is the woman I love, and I wont tolerate you speaking about her like that'
( in fact he was doing the same on the way there and joining in with her,and she swore too)
To be completely honest at the time i found EVERYTHING he did ANNOYING, but did not express that, like him!.
BUT.... i was living with Put downs, snide remarks, fear of violence...or lost temper

IF I HAD KNOWN....WHAT WOULD I HAVE DONE?

i would have made him leave.

What is love?
Is it wanting me to be unhappy all the time?..,
is it,..
Teasing
Mocking
hitting
Strangling?

NO!
THEREFORE HE DOES NOT LOVE ME.....'

So sad,it must be very shocking to those who don't live like that, its a bit shocking to me to see it down here in black and white.....to others it may not seem a very serious thing that he did, he was violent too, i don't know why i have chosen to share this Particular instance...
It is indicative of his whole attitude, and a prelude to the recent instance where he attempted to ruin my relationship with my Daughter, and my other children too, which Hurt me more than ANYTHING else he ever did to me. He is claiming to be a changed person now,but the sneering look on his face I saw recently, and His lies to my Daughter in June,show there is no change at all in Him,..ie,(he said to my daughter that he had never tried to talk to me,but he had done 6 days before!)...

I am so far away from that now, i know i deserve better, i have dealt with the unforgiveness i have felt for years,my life is wonderful now, because i have God in it, He love me,He loves my children, in fact He gave them to me as the most precious gift, (after His love). Goodness and Mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.

Cup runneth over

today i am grateful for the blessing that God has given me,yesterday i was thinking what a wonderful life i have,i can do what i want, when i want,i can sleep all day, and i only have to go out when i want to!
I dont have to be aware of someone elses bad moods, and have to tiptoe around someone just to have an easy life! I have an easy life! I am loved by the Creator of the Universe,He accepts me,values me,and has adopted me as His daughter!!! I dont know how life could be any better!..'My cup runneth over'.....'to live is Christ, to die is Gain'

Green Pastures

I am grateful today for the wonderful blessings that God has given me,its like that corny old song,'count your blessings one by one'!!God blesses everyone,... i donn't want to seem like i am saying God has blessed me, because there is something good about me or that i deserve it more than anyone else,there is nothing good about me, i am a wretched sinner, even now, after knowing God for so long!
I let Him down everyday, most people started their Walk with God actually thinking deep down that' I am not a bad person,'..(but ignore the bad i have done,) so of course expect to become an even better person further on in their walk,not like that at all,i started thinking i was good, and letting Him into a small part of my life,i now have Him in all parts of my life, and feel like a filthy rag in His presence!...
I have been praying every night for about two weeks asking Him not to let the Enemy give me bad dreams, (i cant remember where it was in the Bible), so last night i had a strange dream that i was naked in a car with the Ex, He was trying to get my attention,but we were in a huge grassy field, i was more interested in the Field!!! it seemed lke it was full of possibilities, i could turn it into a car Park,for all the houses which were around it in a rectangle,there was some sort of club going on,and people had parked on the grass, i hadn't known it was mine,when i knew i told someone that i would keep just a small square as a garden,but it was all mine!!.., i only had to claim it,take my own!!!! As ususal being me, i thought how it would bless others,!!..but then thought of it covered with tarmac,cars going in and out ruining it! Then i thought i'll give away a small part,so others can be blessed,but i really wanted to keep it all as it was,beautiful and green, an Oasis in the world.!!
I can think of a few obvious things it could mean, and had already decided it was about the Ex, and how he has no effect on me anymore,!!. (i was soon distracted from him when something better came along,in fact from the only part of the relationship which was good, which drew me to him in the first place!....), but having thought about the whole dream, there is more to it than that! I think He might be saying to me not to give away my Power, not to give my Inheritance away!!!

Fruitful in the land of my suffering

Today  i am grateful to belong to a Master that loves me,the enemies followers are not loved, he hates them as they hate him,and will relish torturing them in Hell, and i am grateful too, for my God who ALWAYS gives us the victory over the Enemy of our souls, the Father of Lies,
He was defeated on the Cross and is just marking time until the inevitable Lake of Fire, he is called in the Gospel of John, the 'Prince of this world'. He still has power on the Earth,i was wondering why when he had lived in Heaven,and yet wanted more?.., he was Powerful, he was the leader of Praise, he had Position, and like all people who desire power over others in the world, its never enough.!..
I have had the enemy trying to get at me in the last few weeks, and for a while i allowed him the Victory, because i am a weak vessel,but i know My Master is the King of Kings, and Lord of Lords,and claimed His protection.
I had intended to list everything that the Enemy was trying against me,but i am determined to look forward NOT back. God has made me 'fruitful in the land of my suffering', as i was able to tell a person who had betrayed me years ago, exactly what i thought of them, sweet....no guilt at all, (i did sound bitter, but i gave this person a lot of my time, listened for hours to her, only to be betrayed when she thought something better came alone, so sad.... so funny!....)
i had not done it before because i did not want to hurt her feelings!!!!....crazy, she had no care about my feelings!! I wish i had done it sooner though!! , not 8 years!!..She is a controlling manipulative person, (who is in a position  now where she can tell others how to run their lives, so shes happy,!!)  Controlling and Manipulating people have been a plague in my life, the Enemy repeatedly uses them.
I have been learning the Praise song 'Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling', i heard on a Johny Cash C.D, ' M mothers Hymn book', wonderful.  Praise Him for His love, and care for us.

Victim blaming

Today i am grateful for my God who is a just, and fair Judge.i am quite annoyed today after at the back of a shelf i found a small booklet called 'domestic abuse, how to help', written by well intentioned christian counsellors, all MEN!! after several well meaning phrases such as 'they' (abused) may feel like they contributed to the war' 'she has some power to subdue it' ( the violence),' the most annoying is,'wield their tongue in ways that GOAD to violence'.... Surely there is never an Instance where Violence against a weaker person is justified,NEVER A REASON for violence. It is VICTIM BLAMING again. (Maybe i should call myself a'domestic violence activist',like my sister,who calls herself a' disability rights activist', who in reality is just a vicious housewife with a platform, twitter,and yet treats those in her close family who are disabled like dirt, and get myself on television, supposedly speaking for the down trodden!!!! I actually have experience to talk about!!....maybe thats been done to death...and no-one is taken in by it...i am not interested in fame though,or think i am entitled to tell other people what to do!!or be controlling!!......

Good friends

I am grateful today for good friends that the Lord has given me,people who i can confide in,cant always trust not to tell those i don't want to know my personal business,but like my Mum always said, if you tell others personal stuff,how much do you really care about it anyway....I am using Ben's laptop at the moment,Nathan is using mine,Max has started school this week a few tears but he likes it when he gets there!!

Dynamite in praise

Today i am grateful to God for the fact that i have so many good things in my life to Praise Him for,for finding an ancient book from the seventies, with a lurid front cover..' there's dynamite in praise,' by Don Gosset,i have been trying to sort the house out before i have heating installed,and had taken books off one bookcase to move to another,in it i finally found the verse that i had been wondering about for ages, from the Bible which says, the Lord inhabits the praises of His people,the King James actual verse is'Thou art Holy, O thou that inhabits the praises of Isreal', to paraphrase and i only have read two chapters so far,God is present when we Pray, i remember talking to Rob, and saying ;its easy to stir people Up in the Lord' he was surprised, and i think he thought i was boasting, and i had rather big-headedly thought it was a gift the Lord had given me1 but when i pray and people get stirred up, all i am doing is telling God who He is!!.,its simple....i.e God is good, loving caring, no respecter of persons, loves us even when we sin, who cant fail to get sirred up? and Praise Him for it!

The Pearl of great Price

Today i am grateful to God for,the gift of family, children, and grandchild, we were all set to go to a Pirate Party yesterday,and just as we were getting ready to go Max got upset and we did not go, he had been looking forward to it, for days,maybe he is worried about starting school next week....Very strange...my elderly Yorkshire terrier, 17half years, has been causing me lack of sleep recently, she seems to get lonely on her own at night, comes upstairs, then cant settle,so eventually i sleep downstairs,not much of a sacrifice for me.
I bumped into on off the Ladies from the church i was saved into on Tuesday,she is going to talk to the Pastor, leader, is probably a better word,her daughter and husband have left the church too, she says its the control and manipulation is terrible, and that there are so many hurt people put there, pretty much what Marion said,she was actually carried out of there by four guys,for daring to challenge the control,and eventually killed herself, i was very hurt when i came out too,mainly because He kept forcing me to go back to my Violent husband,despite my kids begging me not too.( He actually said that God would not let the Ex Hit me......wish it was true..)
I remember being there with him when he took a phone call from her, she was telling tales on her own son-in-law,the leader said,' well if he's doing ........hes not playing on the tape.)! selling out your own children!!......maybe i did the same by ignoring there begging).....Once when she had started at a large church i had left to go to, i went to speak to her , all excited, she cut me dead!!...I hope she was not implying that  i am one of the ones whose life has been blighted by it,it hasn't,Unlike most or even all of the ones who have left, i was actually saved into the church, so whatever happened later i owe him my life,he has given me the greatest gift anyone has ever given me, how can i be unforgiving for that!!! but of course it was not him who really gave me that Pearl of great price, Glory to God, or him who died for me!!

Headbutts, and the weak and vulnerable

Today i am grateful to God for the fact that he loves everybody, which we as humans find hard to do, he loves the drug addicts disabled girlfriend, who smells, the girlfriend who he lends out for sex, He loves the grossly overweight man with Aspergers... but How does God feel about his people who throw the cup away that she drinks out of in church?....,or the people who stare in stunned silence when the Aspergers man enters the church foyer? Ashamed i would think, i am ashamed of them, but God loves them, as much as he loves the acceptable people,because He is no respecter of persons.
I am feeling better today,we had a good day on Saturday, i took Ben to see one of His favourite films at the Cinema,and then to Mac'donalds, which he loves, and yesterday we went to the Local church of England church,with Darren, the Vicar gave me an Understanding look and firm Handshake as we left, he could see Ben head-butting me on the arm from the front!!!..

Sadness, and peace

Today i am grateful for Our God who still loves us,when we are not nice,when we let Him down.David has been my inspiration,when King Saul tried to kill him,he 'behaved himself before the Lord' and the people noticed his reaction, there are few Psalms where he does complain to God about His treatment when he was in the cave.
This was an early example of what Jesus called turning the other cheek, so i am struggling today, because of what is happening in Wales, where my caravan is.(Howard's baptism)
I don't really know why i am struggling, i don't wish him any ill will,( although i still cry about losing a large part of my grandsons life because of him, and my daughter too,)i can never feel i trust her again.Trust has to be earned.Our relationship hes been damaged,and will never be the same.
So there is a lot of sadness around thoughts of him,and although i do thank God for the peace he gave me,which is still there, some stuff will never be mended.
I know God understands, after all we are allowed to be' angry but not sin', of course i want to keep going to the meeting at Sandra's house,(even though the person who leads it can be quite hard to get along with), i am beginning to think that if i have anything to do with anyone from that Church i will eventually be challenged about the Ex, and have to explain myself yet again, ( for not getting back with him).It makes it hard to be friends with them, as with Mike i am always going to hear about him, so he is not out of my life.

MONSTER BAPTISM

Today i am grateful for God who care for us, even when we let him down,and behave badly,i have been feeling rather amused at a situation the Ex has got himself in,not nice of me i know!!!..There are a whole Coach load of people going to see him being Baptised!!!... He is being baptised at the seaside town where my Caravan is, he told Sandra its because 'he has happy memories.'( although everyone else who was there at the same time have no happy memories!!)
 He hates big occasions,wont go to funerals or weddings!!..,so he will be the centre of attention for 40 people,!! and has already told Sandra hes not ready,!!!... this is a direct result of him going to church, to stalk me,where he lies about his intentions to nice genuine people,this is make or break for him,this must be what the Lord said about it being the end of the situation.....
I know it not a nice reaction on my part,not nice at all,lets hope He is genuine, and he is doing this for all the right reasons, i want to hope it is, but he has claimed to be going on with God so many times, and its proved to be a lie, he was only lying  to just me before, now he is lying to a whole church!!!..

tired

I have just come back from the Caravan, and am really tired,i really cant think straight! i have read a letter from Eddie, and have no idea what it is about.........oh dear will write more tommorrow.

Wise words

Today i am grateful for the Wonderful fellowship with the Ladies from the church i left,at Sandra's,,i was really blessed when the wonderful lady leading said i had a good voice,and asked if i could lead the worship,how wonderful! and humbling too....there seem to be some exciting things going on at the church, and a party on Saturday, which they have invited me too! nice of them but i cant go,of course!
Elizabeth has been very supportive about the whole Ex situation, and has really been the only one to say its right not to get back with Him, and Eddy of course, He says i had forgiven publicly, and then just given Him permission to behave as before! he says know the word states love the sinner, but hate the sin, but
'where does it say one must tolerate the sinner who is controlling, aggressive, and who perpetuates fear and intimidation?..,nobody should walk on eggshells over the sins of others.It saps the Spirit!' 'later on he goes on to say.
'Your going to have to do something completely radical' (i don't think i made it clear to him that i have left the church)' You need to show Howard that your not going to tolerate being bullied or stalked, until the message sinks in.It is obvious he still thinks there is a chance of you two getting back together sometime in the future. Stop playing by his rules, this is not a game.You need to assert your will on him.He only does what he does because you have let him get under your skin for so long.The same can be said for Mike and every other person(male or female), who have taken your feelings for granted.Then you publicly forgive them, and allow them back into your life, your home and furthermore you let your heart rule your head.Answer yourself this question.What respect do you get from those who have not truly repented? Talk is cheap, to be truly repented takes hard work.Trust needs to be earned again.'....

What wise words! i just gave him the bare facts about the events of the past six years!
Well that's me told!! As i have known him for 15 yrs he has seen stuff that i have been through! it is great to have it from a mans point of view.

grown up children

today i am grateful to God for the blessings of my children,He has given me a precious gift,as with everyone sometimes i like them more than other times!, but i always love them, unconditionally,all different characters,all look different to each other and me and their Dad,except they all have my straight hair, although both dads have curly hair! my two girls still straighten their hair!! strange, when i was their age i was desperate to have curly hair, used perms, which did not work well, i remember my mum telling me about her Mum using perms, in the 1920's, and a completely straight line coming through as it grew!It does say something about human nature though, always dissatisfied with what we have,with ourselves..

Good fellowship and Drums

Today i am grateful to God for good fellowship, and for the people He has put in my life who care about me, and are true friends,and i am really glad to say that tommorrow it will be SIX weeks since i've seen the Ex! yay!!..still got the peace too, when i think of him!!!Praise God. I have been really bad about praying in tounges, i totally forgot about it for two days, and was not reading the Bible either, very bad of me, and i dont really know why! So to be able to have good fellowship, and some prayer and praise was wonderful.a lot has gone on this week none of it interesting enough to put on here,( and here is me assuming that ANY of this is interesting to anyone)! I was hoping to be able to go to the caravan today, but Ben did not get to sleep until about 4.am because the next door neighbours were letting their baby scream in the early hours, as before they have no consideration for anyone else, the same ones who were playing drums til 1a.m.I should be Praying more for them!

God willing

Today i am grateful for,the redemption we have through His blood, the forgiveness of sins,very important to me,as i do wrong things every day, to those who don't believe they would not be major sins, but to God there are no degree of sin,all sin is equal in His eyes!...if i think bad thoughts about someone, the Un-believer would say, ' yes but , that person did you a great wrong its natural to think bad things about them' NO!.....i want God to forgive me, so i must forgive others....hard ,very hard....and completely impossible in my strength, only with His help. 'forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us'
My Oldest Yorkshire terrier,Star has been causing me a few worries this week,on Tuesday i almost made an appointment to have her Euthanized,today she is back to her usual self!!..there is no cure for old age she is 17yrs and 5 months old!!!, but i guess she will hang on til October, which seems to be the month all my Yorkie die...
I managed to get to the Gym on Wednesday, and Thursday this week, and hope to go tonight too, hope to lose weight, for my healths sake, and to be around for as long as possible to look after Ben..Have been careful about what i am eating. so i really  hope to see some results soon, God willing!
I am trying to always make sure i say about any plans i have, that its only if God is willing that they come to pass! I know He is in control of my life and it belongs to Him, so i have to give Him the Glory in every area!

Slip sliding away.....the unwanted and shunned

Today i am grateful to God for,not seeing the Ex, Howard, around anywhere for 5 weeks! that's got to be a record, the longest period for years, of course it is because i don't go to the church, or Mikes house anymore! a small price to pay, i was very amused to hear that an ex friend had 'slipped' with the old lady that has been obsessed with him for 20 years,not nice of me, not nice at all,!!... and of course it may not be true! ( but because he feels able to morally judge others!!!)
The 'old lady' challenged Sandra in town, and started shouting at her,as she hates any woman who dares to be around him,especially when Sandra told her he had been at the meeting,16 miles away,(where Elizabeth had said there should be reconciliation )
,The 'Old Lady' then said 'i didn't know about this' as if she is entitled to know everything!! but then if it is true, about the 'slip' its understandable,he is very wrong to keep going back to her for physical comfort when he has no intention of having relationship with her, its not fair on her, he knows she has feeling for him.Its his life,and his choice....(and she has been banned from the church, mainly because she keeps telling the Pastor the details of what goes on between them (sexually)!!, he just says she should not let him in,and he had started to get a very haunted look!!!.., poor guy cant sit down before she makes a bee-line for him!!!..)
I spent most of yesterday helping Joe and his girlfriend to move,from her one bedroom flat to a small bedsit.It was Bob's funeral yesterday, Darren did not want to go,so we sat and looked at pictures of Bob,and Prayed, and thanked God for his life.

God cares about the same things

Today i am thankful for My God who cares about the small things, the things like lost keys,phones, all the annoyingly small things that when they get lost are very important!! The church i was saved into ( by street Evngelism) said that He does not care about these small, everyday seemingly inconsquential things, He does,the loss can cause great frustrations, anger, and self hating,God does care about that, and so does the enemy of our souls,these things can lead us into sin.
It seems the Enemy has really been having a 'go' at our small prayer group in the last week,Darrens been going through the loss of his Uncle Bob,he is feeling better about it now,Sandra has had more worry about her Son,and Mike has 'slipped'! (although he has taken himself out of our Group)...God is good...ALL THE TIME!

Phones and scammers

Today i am grateful to God for my children, every one,i went to a Prayer for Israel meeting in a town about 16 miles away yesterday, i had turned my phone off, the person leading it said we are finished,so i turned it on, and some others started praying again, Mike and Elizabeth1 and my phone rang!! very embarrassing...i went outside to speak, and after a few minutes Mike came out and jumped into his car without a word to me and drove away,!!!..
Sandra said that Elizabeth spoke to them both and said that there needs to be reconciliation between them,Mike said 'we will have to discuss that'.So i was glad that i wasn't there, as i  have no problem with him, but i know he does with Me,he is offended, probably a bit mean of me to call him a 'mug' though!!!.., (he had given a scam artist a lot of money, who was  also accepting large amount so of money from  other Pensioners, i cant respect anyone who does that).And although we have been friends for 15 years he wont take any loving advice, although he always tells me what to do!!...I suppose its men's ego....the scammer has left for six weeks,and now Mike is left with no fellowship, his choice...

Photos and tears.

Today i am grateful for a Heavenly Father who care for us,Darren is still very low,one of his carers, said yesterday that he has never heard him so low, he was alone in town yesterday sitting on a bench crying, no-one asked him if he was o.k, and even when he was in the Pub crying, he was ignored too.
It may sound harsh but i have not cried since my Mum died,but cried a lot when she started to 'lose herself'( when the person she was was slipping away,i visited her, not more than a couple of times a year,i spoke to her,( she always said the last thing to go in a dying person is hearing ).
When she died her body had un-curled, she looked peacefully asleep,she looked alive.!...one odd thing though, the things on the window sill, a scupture Mike had made,some photos,were all knocked over, i dont know whether the staff had done that,if its what is done when some one has died,?...it reminded me about when my Niece was in hospital, and had a bad life threatening reaction to a Pre -med,i was at my Mums house, alone in the front Room, when my Brothers Picture fell over, no one was near it, there were no drafts,it was almost as if the enemy was saying 'i got him and i nearly got her too'......it was the same picture in my Mums room....

Bob's passing

Darrens Uncle Bob died on Tuesday,not actually related to Darren, he had been a friend of Darrens dad,and was the natural father of a major soap star, Steve McFadden, in EastEnders,Phil Mitchell, Darrens not too upset, he had talked to Him every day for years.

Hilarious Stalking

I am grateful to God today for,His ability to know me! i was not able to sleep two nights ago because i was getting very worked up about something that one of my family had done to me,(taken advantage of my good nature)...i finally got to sleep about 4.am,and yesterday the person rang me, after not for weeks!.. So what should i learn from this?( it was so bad i could not pray in tongues!!!..).I did think some angry thoughts, but did not Sin, in that i did anything about the thoughts! very strange...
Something also very strange is that my Ex (Howard) is being Baptised in the Sea.....where my Caravan is!!!!....apparently He told Sandra, that it 'holds happy memories for him', i have spoken to my family who were there when he was there with us, Strangely enough they DON'T have any happy memories!...hilarious, ....i have had to leave my church, stop going to friends houses, and now not be at the Caravan.....
Now i don't tell anyone where i am going to be,what church i am going to,when i am going to be in a certain place,i was meeting my friend Sandra,and Howard turned up where we were,and sat down at the table next to us, with a young woman,He had spent that morning at church with Sandra, and although i did ask her if she had told him, she said she hadn't,i am sure it was not deliberate...Like my son Nathan said he never sees him, and he is on the same side of town as him,(it was for a period of two weeks when the 10 times i had gone out of the house 7 of those times he had been there.)

Mist

Today i am grateful for,Our God who loves us even when we mess up, miss the point,and go the wrong way! also for wonderful friends who want to fellowship and Pray, and the ones who don't want to anymore, because they are being drawn away bu the Enemy,to still love and pray for them too!
We came back from the Caravan on Wednesday,it rained and rained,some much rain lately that the field was turning into mud,after walking in the same place more than once it was just mud, and that was on the side of the hill! the ground cannot absorb any more water,on the Tuesday night it was very Misty, we could not see the other side of the field, the electric point half way across the field were invisible too!
We had a meeting with Sandra and Darren yesterday,we prayed about being so thankful that God has brought us through some very bad stuff,life threatening in some cases,but most of all that Sandra's missing son would be found.

Truth,absolute truth.and the whole truth.

Today i am grateful for,a God who is worshipped by over 38 different denominations of the Christian church, to my shame i have judged some of the churches as old fashioned, and even that they were not 'saved' how wrong i was!...I have been to a wonderful service which goes against everything i thought i knew about Traditional Church, able to chose songs we want to sing,and prayers!
I have been challenged today about what is 'Truth', is there such a thing as absolute truth? Is the Bible absolute Truth?, i have always thought it was,( and do now), i have been challenged about some of the things i have previously regarded as absolute 'truth'.
I was watching a guy on christian t.v, who knew a lot about the Bible,He challenged those who want to know God to go to Bible college... and get a Bible dictionary!... i was tempted, and it made me re-think my opinion that Bible college 'knocks' the Holy Spirit out of believers,he also said that the kind of daily study of the Word of God which just takes small parts or just verses is not as good as reading a whole book, the main point of the Passage may be lost,( for instance the book of Hebrews is about some believers who are tempted to return to Judaism.).
I do want to know more about God and probably the Bible is the best way ,and there are people who know more than me,but the main teacher is the Holy Spirit,He will teach me all i need to know!

Wonderful Father

Today i am grateful for a wonderful Father who cares about even the small things in my life, we had a wonderful meeting at Sandra's last night, although it was only short, we were able to Pray,God is so wonderful!!..,Sandra was able to answer some questions i had about the dream, (she said that the stuff left in the house was her stuff!) Its really nice to know some one else who can interpret dreams too!
We had some Enemy attack at the meeting, we were all repenting for getting into stuff that the Lord forbids,mine was going to a 'Pyscic festival' with my Mum when very Pregnant with Joe,i was asking God to forgive me and not let it affect Joe in any way.,Darren was feeling quite anxious,we prayed for him.
We have not had a proper meeting for at least three weeks,i have repented for that,i have let the Enemy win too much lately, but with the Lords help, it wont happen again,

Trumpets

Today i am grateful for a supernatural God, who communicates in strange ways to us,i had a nice dream last night,i was in a different house,i was moving into, i think there were some family there,the house still had the stuff of the person who lived there before.(I have often had dreams about secret rooms full of antique furniture,usually these dreams mean i am moving into a new phase in my life.)
The interesting part to me is the junk left behind,what is God saying here?....at first sight it seems to be stuff left from my past, but it was NOT my stuff?...very strange...!!!..
In the natural i never want to leave the house i live in! i have been worried about what will happen to me when i am old, will i have to get one of those awful stair lifts!.i dread the thought of a 'care' home,.I have been worried about the future, about Ben's future,and who will take care of him.
As a believer i have been expecting the Return of Jesus,and every thing that is Prophesied in the book of Revelation,knowing that the World would change and monetary systems collapse, now it seems to be happening i am scared!!! Very disobedient because the Bible says 'Fear not' when these events happen!! I actually avoid anything about it on Christian T.v,but maybe that's o.k, because it makes me fear so its best to avoid it anyway! I know God is in control,just have to keep reminding myself!