last minute Lisa rides again...

I really want to get back to the caravan and have Ben going through my usual problems actually getting there! when it seems like a great day to go, i wake up ill, or there's not enough money, or Ben wont get up until too late, he's getting up about 6.pm at the moment, AND as its a two hour journey, AND i hate driving in the dark it makes it hard...but this shouldn't really make a difference because the new caravan has it own built in lights! and some days everything is right to go... and i sabotage myself and cant be bothered with the aggravation of making Ben go when he hates it!...its the same with everything in my life i put stuff off, or i am ill and cant finish something in the house and its a mess...and stays that way for weeks, which is o.k until i get an unexpected visitor and feel so embarrassed about the state of the house...although i know i have said in this blog before that i am not going to beat myself up about this again, but as usual i do the Enemies job for him!!

National Stalking week

Its national stalking week here in u.k. I didn't know this and its a bit strange that last night i did my periodic check on the internet for anything from Howard!(my stalker ex,) i do this every so often, i was also struggling with anger about the church that didn't want to do anything about him when i told them he was my violent Ex, i eventually had to leave...there was not much about him, so his computer skills have not improved and he is not able to get on-line, for now anyway!! I am annoyed i have missed two meetings in the last few days, the national A.G.M on Saturday and the local branch meeting tonight i have had a flu/cold bug over the last few days it started on friday with a constantly running nose, and has carried on until today, in fact this is the first day it has not been running...gross i know!! i used to get colds which would be really bad with a runny nose for just one day and then be better, maybe it wasn't a cold, maybe it was flu...i have had some aching muscles, feels like i have walked for miles!!! one strange thing though is that i haven't been sleeping, and Ben has been sitting around feeling tired, until 4.30/5.am... i don't know why he won't just say he is tired and go to bed!!, but that's not been part of this daily routine.. ever...so he's not going to change it now!! i have just written that whole last paragraph without correcting the bad spelling as i go along, and it averages two mistakes in every line, whole words!.., i was quite pleased with myself when i did a typing test and scored 40 words a minute,( i think the average is 23 words per minute),then i saw a guy called Nick on face book, who lives his life with no limbs and he can type 40 words a minute with just his feet,his ankles seem attached to the bottom of his body!! so now i feel ashamed of even being a little bit proud of that!!

Missionarys

The big breakfast went well, although they didn't need us to do the Teas and Coffee's this year,but Lynn wouldn't let me pay for my breakfast and they gave me free tea, and only those helping are supposed to have food free!! So a bit confusing really!! not that it's hard to confuse me! The pastor of Biker Church, Colin did a blessing for young couple's Marriage,(Mat and Dee), not believers yet! they are part of the local Bike club who are based at the Cafe, the "Raven Riders",We had a stand next to the "Blood bikes" (who are a local group of Volunteer Bikers who rush blood to hospitals where needed).
It has been a few days of extreme tiredness,because i was not able to sleep even before the big Breakfast,Worry about Joe and Daisy. I feeling a part of something meaningful and more importantly Gods Will for my life,with people who like, love and accept me....and i am forming close relationships!...with good solid Christians,Brothers who ( i hate to say this,but not like Darren and Mike,who have their problems,) are Stable Strong Christians..I am not running scared which Lord Help me i would have done before!! and most of all i can be myself!! its taken God three years to get me to this point!!, and its all sort of crept up on me recently,without me noticing!! i think i was just friendly with the wonderful sisters,i felt that was all i needed to do!!
Its all a bit new, weird and scary!! But i know Gods in it!..So what has changed in me! of course for years i was only friends with Mike and Darren, only having fellowship with them, and i was isolated because of my role as a carer...so didn't want to get out, was very vary of going to a church again...and last Sunday i felt a little push to go to Brian and Helen's Church!..everything fell into place for me to go..and it was lovely, it felt so right!!I felt at home and accepted,no fuss, no fireworks, just obeying an inner urge, and i have a Church I feel i belong in!!.a Missionary who was visiting the church where they had previously belonged asked about the Trike,and we both joked about me being a bit scared to ride it,but the thing was i felt totally at home with this brother,who i have never met and never likely to meet again!there was an automatic closeness!! i feel i am not explaining this very well at all!! Maybe i was feeling reticent, wary suspicious of other believers,because of the last "Church" letting Howard push me out! I was so angry about that for so long! yet it was all part of His plan! It is very good to feel like i am In His Will!

Big Breakfast number 3

Its been a quiet few days,i was hoping to get to the caravan this week but its not happened so far anyway!..I did not want to leave at the begining of the week because Joe was on his own because Daisy had take the kids to scotland to visit her family, her birth mum has never seen the kids, she will be back soon!..Darren has been harrasing Sandra with phone calls,every five minutes when she cant answer straight away, he has promised to stop it.Ben went to the doctor,and has to see the Psychiatrist again, i didn't tell the doctor though but he is changing from smiling and laughing and talking,a lot about when he was a kid,and the next day he shouts and gets nasty about going to bed, he is getting up in a bad mood...I did the reading of the book of Nahum in the house about four days ago, that seems to have helped. Ben's Grand-dad Colin is going in for a pacemaker to be fitted to his heart today , Joe is worried, but Colin is playing it down,so people don't worry i suppose!..its the Big breakfast on Sunday, its a huge event with thousands of Bikers coming from all over the country to a small transport Cafe in Rural Shropshire, we are also having a Biker Church service at 3.pm the same day there and a blessing for a young couple who are getting married on friday!...A bad night last night,Ben was shouting and punching the wall and banging stuff at 1 am.I have been embarrassed about answering the door today, in case the neighbours were complaining,but i don't blame them if they do!! Rebekah has just been round, very kindly brought some marmalade, and a cardigan she has knitted for Willow. She was encouraging me to go to an Autism group on a Thursday afternoon, which was very nice of her, she has a son called George who is also Autistic, but more able than Ben.So the Enemy is not happy about this weekend,i am hoping to help out by taking some equipment to the Big breakfast event!