Satans tactics

Feeling really tired today, and still struggling with the Ex (Howard) problem,not so bad today though, next door neighbours were playing the drums again til 12.30 last night, started to get stressed about it, so was ignoring it and felt a lot better(,had started to have trouble breathing) , a very effective way of showing me that the enemy is causing me stress, and if i allow it to get to me it could be dangerous,its my responsibility not to let it affect me,really should see the doctor
I suppose also that i must be suffering more stress than i thought with my Mum dying too, although outwardly i am not grieving, inwardly its different.I am not aware of it but it is obviously affecting me.

Guitars and decorating

Great church service last night,pastor Phil had lost his voice so not enough singing, had a lovely time at Mikes after great meal,Ex's(Howard) friend Eddie was there for a while so had a nice chat to him,he was embarrassed about mentioning the Ex's name, but i was talking about concerts he went to so he soon loosened up, he has been going to church most sunday mornings, which is great, not saved yet but he is on the way!..Still having trouble going to the church in the daytime,  as Ex Howard is there every day, decorating,still dont trust myself not to scream out loud at him...... so best to stay away, really wanted to ask Phil about guitar lessons, but You guessed it, Ex is learning now! i had made the mistake of telling Mike...un-surprisingly he suddenly developed an interest.!!.....I made a good effort at some housework yesterday, did not allow myself to go on the laptop, in the end i had missed the bible reading which i do every day by email,so it did not work out so well, the day before i had tried to read it but because i had not slept just could not concentrate, still keeping up the Praying in tongues every night, about three months, maybe longer, have trouble keeping concentrating on that too though!!!....

Bricks. poop.and rushes.

Yesterday i watched something on t.v about Stalkers,one woman had been shot dead,they are trying to introduce a better law,at the moment its just done under the 'Harasment Law'. It was a mistake to watch it, just wound me up,felt too upset to do anything the rest of the day, i was planning all sorts of things to do to the Ex,Dog poop through his letterbox, ringing his work to say how dangerous he is to kids and women,(he raped me), bricks through his window.
This only lasted  a few hours, mainly after i appealed to the Lord for help....He never lets me down, Praise Him,i however did let Him down by letting myself get into such a state,completely gave into the Enemy.....I suppose that i do feel really scared that he will kill me one day,and the whole unjustness of him always getting away with it.Bullies do win, BUT NOT FOR EVER.....i know i am protected by God and His Angels,nothing happens to me that He does not allow.I belong to God, glory to Him.
I know that going to the Police, about the Rape,and him 'stalking me',which they would not do anything about just set me up to fail, and it was not of course Gods will.It just made the situation worse,and harder for me to handle.
Most of the websites said that re-acting or replying to anything they do gives them a pleasure rush, and hope that if they continue they will get more,like the mis-behaving child, any attention is good attention!...I have to just keep going,its been since the end of July, 7 months now. I know it is coming to the end soon,Lord give me the strength to get through it!!!...

Cold heart

Really cold here today,had a nice lunch at Mikes yesterday,great to get out of the house,could not face going to church last night, as felt to rebellious to be in room with Ex,feeling angry, would scream out loud at him,there was also a Ladies meeting on Saturday, which you would expect to be free of Him, but he is decorating the church!!..as it was he was not there,but will be every day,i was talking to Mikes house mate Angelo,he is such a gentle, good person,so kind,i feel so sad that the Ex (Howard)felt it was o.k to argue with him,more like really telling him how to run his life.i suppose i am sensitive at the moment after what happened to Ben,and the fact that He was aggressive to Ben and Joe when they were 5 and 6, (he was taking them out they were arguing over a bike, he picked up the bike with Joe on and dropped it down hard and Joe was hurt between the legs,(Never knew about this til after i kicked him out,Tasha was too scared to tell me.)
Strange that His violence to my children is harder to forgive than his too me,understandable, kids were more vulnerable than me.I have told my daughter who has him looking after my grandson Max, but it has made no difference,i am still struggling with his attempt to ruin my relationship with her, first of all by going round to her house,and then i told her i would not go to her house, but met her other places.Then he decides to tell her the lie that he was her and Tasha's Dad. Puzzling!...caused so much embarrassment and upset for the whole family,now they all know he was lying,and it was just to humiliate me...which to be honest worked very well..So now i go to her house, in May,i went to drop something off at her house just as he was going there, he waited out side and talked to Mike,who he just seemed irritated with, and when i came out,he said to me  'i heard you were not very well' i shouted back ' i am fine'( he tried to talk to Ben, who just ignored him!!!)
So since then he has suddenly started coming round to Mikes,(since he saw me with him), going to the church.
I know Satan is testing me,i feel he has asked the Lord for permission to do this, but i also feel that God has said its ended now, hes still around.....I must trust in God more, His promises are always yes and Amen.Praise Him......

Snapshots of ages 15.and 30

3.15p.m saturday 18th
Just been reading part of my diary from when i was 15, i had read the diary of Anne Frank,it had really affected me,i wrote'i somehow thought someone from another time would have been different to me', she had the same thoughts about boys, (she was the same age), the same feelings as me, it was just a brief time, like a snapshot of her life,most affected obviously by the date of her birthday, 12th June like me, i think she was more mature than me though.How would i have faced the challenge she did in the death camps? Most of the rest of my diary is pretty sickening though, highly embarrasing!!..Dave the teacher at my creative writing said, 'what a great resource' so i am putting it all into my laptop, with the vague idea of writing a book...he said that i wrote interesting stories,i dont know if i can bear it to be thrown away when i die, its in an old desk diary my dad was throwing away, from 1970, and the first part in an old exercise book from Ireland when i was seven, so 45 years!..it talks about my baby sister,annoying then as now, with threats to 'bash Mike' if he keeps writing in it, and a rather strange rant against men, in the newer version!'
                Men                                                                                         16.8.88
What strange animals they are, they meet a woman  they are attracted too , tell her how wonderful she is, until they are sure of her love, then the 'picking' begins..'your bust is'nt as big as..........', your bottom sags'..her hair is nicer than yours'...how do we fight back,/ the nature of the female is to be faithful,if they love a man they don't find anyone physically attractive but them.This undercurrent of criticism eventually chips away at self-confidence,(maybe this is a device of man to keep women down, and un-attractive to other men). Until thr day that they look at the woman and says ' i can do better than her, and does...He has suceeeded too well...
I am sorry to say that i was living through a violent relationship at the time.I like men now! make great friends,but after two relationships like this,i am happy alone!!!....

Bullies always win

We missed Ben's youth club yesterday, i had a dose of the runs, and was not sure it was on,as it was half-term week,the police woman rang and said they had spoken to the boys who attacked Ben at youth club, as usual Bullies get away with it, with no repercussions. So much for justice.
Pastor David Wilkerson's daily blog today was titled 'dirty feet', in essence he was talking about that part in Gods word where Jesus tells the disciples to wash each other feet, the implication being that their hands and hearts were clean,walking with Jesus every day, but their feet were not,so we should treat others sin with kindness,and we help them wash themselves,so of course this means that we have to forgive others if they sin against us, and help to encourage those who have sinned, my mind went of course to the whole thing with Andre,i know he has forgiven me completely,but maybe hard for him to trust me as a friend for a while.
Of course, when i think of forgiveness i am challenged with my attitude to the Ex, Howard,and have to examine my heart again for any unforgiveness which may have cropped up, its every day at the moment! having to repent of bad thoughts! towards him
No sign as yet of any change in him going to the church, as of course when i appealed to the throne room the Lord found in my favour, i really expected him to never return to the church, and stop visiting Mike, no such thing has happened,in fact he is now decorating the church!.. as usual i was expecting God to do what i wanted in my way, i don't know what to infer that God is doing now,
1, is it Gods will that he is around?
2, did i leave it too late to appeal, and it now has to run its course?
3, is this all a lesson for me to examine my unforgivesness daily?
4. do i have unforgiveness to others that is holding up God working in this?  (answers on a postcard please!).any comments would be very much appreciated....

friends, and enemies

So great to see Andre again,such a lovely christian, i was going through a bad period in my life where i did not want to have any one in my life, finding it hard to cope, i guess i was depressed, and i had a older female friend in my life, who used to criticize all my other friends, so i woke up one day and thought, maybe she is the one i need to be free of!!!... and the Lord has been slowly been bringing people back into my life!!.
God is so good,He knows the best for us,even when we don't ourselves....

Old friends and upsets

i have not been able to share what has been happening over the last few days,but here is a brief summary...Ben was attacked at youth club on friday,i ran out of His epilepsy meds on sunday, and was doing prayer counselling yesterday for an older christian lady, i was out until 4.30pm from 10.am,got back and had the 'runs' really badly!!!Bens o.k just a few bruises on his head,and crotch...we have all been really upset,Joe mostly, blames himself, which is of course not true!....
My blind friend Andre is visiting,i cut him out of my life 3 years ago,but have apologised,and hopefuly its o.k now.going to see him later, just spoken to him so far on the phone!..
so wonderful to see him again! did'nt even realise i had missed him.Never meant to hurt him at all, i was just going through a bad phase in my life, and did not want any friends or to have anyone around, but i have said sorry, so its all in the past now! Praise God!...

Father of Lies

...my laptop is not working very well, so i have lost the whole post, will try again! I was speaking to Elizabeth on wednesday after the wonderful meeting we went to,and told her about all the trouble i have been having with hOWARD, MY STALKING VIOLENT eX, and she says it 'sounds satanic', it was such a relief to me to be able to tell some one, escpecialy an older lady about everything that has been happening,it then prompted me to go into the throne room and appeal to God for justice in this situation,He found in my favour! I was not sure if i was doing the right thing,and some people had SAID i was not forgiving, i have forgiven the past, but i dont want to be around him,the whole thing of me fainting when he is at church, i should not be in fear, its not trusting God with everything, and it really struck me the fear i was feeling as i went to church for lunch later on wednesday, it was like a lump in my stomach, and i was not even, expecting him to be there!... so praise God, i am excited to see how God will work in this situation!!...

Babies and bullies

Never know what i am supposed to write, usually no plan when i start to write, which of course is not the right way to do things at all! it should be planned out!! My Ex Howard, was having lunch at Mikes and got into an argument with Angelo, mikes house mate,Howard was nasty when Angelo said he would like to have some more kids, he has 6 already! The Ex told him he was too old and could not look after them properly!( this from a man who has NEVER brought up any of his own kids, and was violent to mine!) speaking to a man who works hard every hour he can to provide for his children....HYPOCRITE  .. HYPOCRITE.!
The sad thing of course is that Nicky Mikes friend, does not want to go round there again because she has bad nerves and 'can't take the aggravation'. And its not a good witness to her of what Christians should be....but i am not allowed to interfere by the Lord, but it does really show me this man has not changed since he "got born again", in fact i think he is worse...i have known him for 33yrs!!...(I am really trying not to get any satisfaction out of this, but it hard, but when Nicky said what happened i didn't say what he had done to me,which i was quite proud of, except of course, it was not me at all so Glory to God!!!)

Snow and church

Great meeting last night, and Friday!! Praise the Lord!! didn't make it to the Gym,we were late, but me and Mike and Luke had a few prayers, Luke had been knocked off his bike, when a woman ran into him at a roundabout, he was really protected by the Lord,as he was thrown backwards, and could have died, thank you Lord!. Luke was just baptised 6 weeks ago! He  was feeling fed up with church, and had not been going,but he went to the Thursday meeting!..
There was snow here yesterday, i am afraid we here in the u.k tend to over-react when we have cold weather!!! warnings on t.v,we had just a light coating, hardly anything in the end!!!..

Unforgiveness and M.o.t's

Finally got the car back yesterday,passed the m.o.t at last, watched an interesting programme today on the Revelation t.v about breaking curses in the family generations, which convicted me about thinking that i am going to suffer from the same diseases as my parents and grandparents, because the generational curses have been broken over me and my children, grandchildren and nieces, sister too.
My Dad has suffered from heart problems,but i don't know if the breaking extends to him,i wish it did, also to my half brother Dan too,i suppose i can pray for them to be broken. Don't know if it is legal to do it though and the enemy of our soul is a stickler for legality, i should pray about it.
One of the women was talking about feeling angry with her father, because he was very authoritarian, it struck a chord with me because i was feeling unforgiving to him, right up to when my mum died,i don't know if i was just listening and being drawn into my mum and sisters basic hatred and unforgiveness to him, i felt pretty annoyed that he did not want to be in our lives and get to know my kids,i wrote to him and said sorry for losing my temper about that when i first got saved,( i had said i did not want to have anything to do with him when he said he did not want to be in our lives)
I suppose it was a release for me when Mark said he had never thought my Dad was such a bad guy,such a revelation!!!..Quite strange to be someones daughter again,as a mum and Nan!..God knows! Praise Him!!

Bad dreams and doors

Ben has been having bad dreams, which may have co-incided with the door opening thing,so just to be extra sure i have read the book of Nahum in the house, which is the book in the bible for spiritual warfare.God is good and He always protects us! The meeting went well on Saturday,so we went to church on Sunday and Darren accused Mike of something inappropriate with a young girl!!!.., so they have fallen out again, very disappointing, don't feel i should  intervene, so will let them get on with it. Very cold here last few days, going to get colder too!!!