The 280

Yesterday i was listening to the news and there has been a change in the Law here to do with the very unpopular so called "bedroom" tax,(which is a tax on Council housing if a family has bedrooms that are not used).Grandparents of a very disabled 15 year old boy, who they care for, had to have a spare room for equipment and for a carer to stay overnight to give them a break,but even more sad was the shocking news, to me anyway, that there are 280 people, women of course who have to have a spare room in their house which has been turned into a Panic room, to keep them safe from violent Men,one of these un-named woman had also brought the appeal, she has a child,its so sad....So sad that Women are not safe, here in this so called "civilised" country.

Shoah, and no lessons learned, 71 years ago today

It is Holocaust Rememberence day today here in England, and very shocking for me was the news today that anti-semitic hate crime is up by 40% from 2014 to 2015, it seems no lessons have been learnt, even though the Holocaust is talked about in schools,as with all types of Bullying it is learned from parents, no amount of education will help if a child hears hate for other people at home, as a child will believe what a parent says more than a Teacher. On Saturday night there was a Programme on t.v which was titled "the girl who forgave the Nazi's", a woman who has set up a centre in America to talk about forgiveness and letting go of the evil, and not letting it continue to hurt,her centre is called C.A.N.D.L.E.S Holocaust Museum,in Terra Haute , Indiana. Eva Kor publicly forgave Oskar Groening, who had worked as an accountant at Aushwitz Concentration camp, he did not directly take part in the killings, but did collect the clothes and valuables of the People who went into the Gas chambers.She is seeing talking to him privately during the trial, she asked him to speak out so the Holocaust Deniers would be proved wrong.He reaches up and kisses her, and she responds.She asks him to "Appeal to your fellow Nazi's, to make statements because , see we the survivors -they don't believes us, they say "oh we are Jews , we want to accomplish something" "But you-this is your good job, to make up for the bad job, are you feeling o.k" he then embraces her." Thank You". A private moment between two old people became a media sensation, she had not intended it as a publicity stunt,she had not intended it as anything but a private gesture about genuine forgiveness, and a request for his help in having the truth told, but as usual the media circus did not allow Oskar Groening any reply. Other survivors were really angry,one lady who had lost 50 members of her family, Susan Pollack, felt Eva threatened to undermine "the whole point of this historically important trial,how could you not think what this person had been tried for?" 49 survivors signed a petition against Eva, among them Leslie Kleinman who has lost all his family in the Holocaust.Eva had testified in the trial, she had been one of twins who had been experimented on by DR Mengeles. The twins were separated from their parents and two older sisters at the gate of the camp, by the Guards who were searching for twins for the "Doctor".

More Confidence, and dear Brothers.

Its 3.am, a full moon and not a surprise that i'm wide awake!!, prayed round the house boundary, before it got dark,but had no oil to spray around, prayer cant be enough.. i have had a strange week, on Monday i went to the Branch meeting and took the notes for the monthly prayer letter and afterwards quite a few people came to talk to me,all men,and one seemed to be awkwardly wanting to talk to me, but i put him at ease by talking friendly easy way to him,in fact people were waiting to speak to me,but they were all men, it didn't bother me much at the time, they are my brothers and a highly esteem them all,when i tried to sleep that night i could not because of the memory of these men wanting to talk to me!!!...it was very unsettling, which of course means it is the Enemies work, even when i went to the Gospel Choir on Wednesday i noticed some guys behaving differently towards me there!...the guy organising asked me to share the words sheet which we were short of, with the Lady next to me, but she was talking to someone else, so the man next to me asked me to share his, but the first guy looked annoyed, and i saw him staring at me too later!!! its very puzzling! on the way home i stopped at a stall to buy a phone cover and the guy offered me a sparkly one, which i hated but i said,"i am too old for sparkles" we chatted a bit more and he said " you are not old" i said" i am nearly sixty, fifty seven!! " you don't look it, i would marry you" he was about 25, very handsome,Arab man!!..While it was just banter on his part to get money out of me,it was a great puzzle to me!!
Then i was wondering, "why am i not able talk to men i don't know or even have a bit of , NON Flirty, banter with them?? of course the obvious answer would be because of the Vile men in my Past i can never trust men again, but that's not it!!I don't see every man as an Abuser! Praise God for that, its all His doing.
I have been feeling very confident for a while now,i suppose that's the difference.Reading this post back to edit it, it seems very boastful, as if i'm enjoying attention from men,but covering it by saying it is puzzling! its most definitely NOT that!!, i am an overweight Grandmother who would never want or seek men's attention, i feel as myself as an Asexual being, in the sense that i don't see myself as a sexual person, i never think about relationships, and would NEVER ever want to get married again!!(And as a person who reads the King James version of the Bible,I know it says those who are divorced can not Marry again,without committing Adultery,but i don't condemn others who do). God has given me the ability not to feel lonely or desire any of that stuff!! Praise Him!

Dad's birthday

Its 20 minutes into the 22nd, the day i have been dreading sine my dad died on the 6th of December,he would have been 81 today...its a strange feeling, everything has to be re-assessed,every time i think of him,i think he's never going to see any more of my children, or his great-grandchildren....

The MAGIC Word? (abuser school)

"What's the magic word" I used to say to my children,when they hadn't said please or thank you , when they were young, I think I trained them to be polite to people, sometimes people did say they were very polite which was nice to know!..I learned that from my Mum,(in fact i even had that used against me in a sneering way!!nothing is sacred to abusers), even someone being polite and nice to others is wrong in their eyes!!
My Dad used to encourage me to be grateful to shop assistants,(in the days when you sometimes have to wait for them to finish conversations with other assistants with a large queue growing!!, does not happen much now ) and I always say thank you to Bus drivers when i get off, sometimes they do seem surprised that anyone talks to them.
So words are powerful,yesterday i had the t.v on in the background but not giving it much attention,and i heard a black ladies voice saying "you don't LOVE me don't you EVER use that word to me again"( I think it was the t.v. programe "Cheaters" which in American-English means someone who sleeps with someone else when in a marriage or committed relationships,and of course, lies about it, not always men either!!..(Yes i have watched it, until i found it a bit too stirring of past feelings and emotions!! and the justification of the person when found out, "its your fault ,you weren't giving me enough attention,working too hard,not making enough money" the usual blaming of everyone else, which abusers do as well! Somebody should write a book one day of excuses,for abusers!!
To the average abuser "Love" is the magic word,they know that it can be a trap for Women,so its not long, sometimes even inappropriately early in a relationship that they trot out that old lemon!,love for others does not exist in a violent abusers world,others exist for them just as tools to further their ego, their warped and totally false view of themselves as the centre of the Universe,think of Narcissus staring lovingly at his own reflection, in the Pool of water!!..and if he would just stay THERE and not bother us unsuspecting open hearted people the world would be a much better place!! (Maybe we ex-victims should carry a mirror round just so that the ones who roam free in society could be distracted for a few seconds by there own image by us flashing the mirror at them!)
Do abusers go to Abuser Graduate school?, Abuser University?, they must do because they all seem to speak the same language,sing from the same Hymn sheet!!...Is there a night school out there that they spend time in the wee small furtive hours!!,


ABUSER SCHOOL
Lesson 1,meet a nice attractive woman, one that is likely to be quiet,willing to let you sweep her off her feet

Lesson 2,(we are employing cult tactics here boys), don't give her space,bombard her with presents, don't give her a chance to think whether she likes you enough,THINK for her, but don't come on too strong at first, that pleasure we will reserve for later!! Subtle manipulation is the key,for now boys!

Lesson 3, move in as fast as you can,to do that you,..(a) if she has kids or pets, rave about how much YOU JUST LOVE THEM.(b) OVERRIDE her express wishes,if she says she doesn't want to rush into anything,( tell her you will just "Die if you cant be with her every spare second!...(b) REMEMBER never allow her to think For herself or make decisions, the goal here guys is to take over her whole life before she knows what is happening.Once you have moved in:

Lesson 4, we all know this stuff instinctively boys!, but just remember to call her CRAZY,so she goes onto anti-depressents as fast as possible, then you will have a very compliant little woman!!, (who you can treat as you want all the time because the drugs stop her objecting to anything you do,)!!..THEN its safe to start cheating, she wont believe herself even if she may suspect, just keep telling her she is crazy to suspect you, and to take more drugs!!, its a win win win situation!!, you'll have her just where you want her!..of course you do lose the enjoyment of making her cry (we all know how much we love THAT!!), or winding her up just enough so that when there are others around to embarrass her making her lose it!,making her look crazy to others)!!!, but hey this is a small price to pay,because you can do MORE to her to humiliate her, and laugh at her even more!!

Airy fairy spiritual gifts

Alec has fixed my net book!! its just so quick compared to my laptop! We are fasting today for Helen,Long John felt the urge of God to pray about Brian and Helen, on Thursday night at the North Cheshire meeting of the C.M.A, i get his email with the minutes for their meeting..cant remember why now, but anyway, i passed it on to the members of our local branch, that morning , (friday) i had felt very burdened by Helens situation, and was having a bit of an argument with the Lord about this!!, (i really though i had learned my lesson years ago that we NEVER win an Argument with Him)!!
I am waiting for Ben to get up so we can go to the coffee morning at the Church, which Darren loves, and they have really nice cake there, so it may be hard!! I was trying to explain why we fast to Mike yesterday on the way back from Stafford,he cant grasp why we do it...mainly because he is a straightforward, nuts and bolts person, and has no time for fluffy spiritual stuff, except for the gift of tongues, maybe i am miss-judging him!!..He does not walk in the airy fairy spiritual gifts, is left cold by a word of knowledge,in fact to be brutally honest has no idea when the Holy Spirit is moving!! but has other gifts! he is a wonderful preacher, has a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone...so as Di shared last night, when breaking the bread, we are all one body,we all have different gifts to complete the body,(the Body of Christ on earth, called to do His will).

An unspoken Law?..and do i get a "pass" not bloody likely!

Is there some reason why a man over 65 cant be driven by a woman? or be a passenger on the back of my Trike,(He would rather run alongside, and get out of breath)!!, is it an unspoken law?, is it testosterone?, is it their male ego? (but only when other men are around..Very puzzling!!!) I have to pick up and drive Mike to Stafford tonight,if I tell him that Trevor is going, (70 years old) he will insist on driving, PICKING ME UP! (which he never does) and the drive 80 m.p.h down the motorway!!
I have been thinking about my life,the things I have gone through, and as usual I expect because I have been through a lot, that I have had my share of the bad, and somehow have a "pass" to not get anything else bad, but does it work that way!! No! This is an unemotional bare bones thing of my life...( I was born in Nairobi Kenya, and when we came back to England on a plane the wheels fell off, had to land on its belly, with emergency fire engines and ambulances all round,I had several life threatening Asthma attacks,from 19 years until 24, was in Intensive care many times, my brother died at aged 17 from a heart condition, and my Dad left the family shortly afterwards.At 23 I had an Emergency Ceasarian to deliver my first Son.
At 26 I discovered my Husband was Bi -Sexual and had been having Oral Sex with Men.I had two more Relationships, with Men who became Violent, controlling and was Raped)...So what is the point of me going through all the bad stuff?..I know that some people only having one of these bad things happen would not cope and maybe even become mentally ill,I am not "blowing my own trumpet,( i.e. boasting that I have got through when others havent). God has kept me safe, for reasons of His own,not because i am special, favoured person, because he decided, Glory to Him.

Controlling

I am feeling quite irritated at the moment by other Christians who tell me in their blog's that if I only did "this" thing that I would flourish, bloom or blossom, there is one who always gives a list of" 7 ways to .." tell if your husband is having committing adultery, 10 ways to know if you are in a toxic relationship etc....I don't know why this annoys me, maybe its the whole thing of being told what to do by someone else!, its a sensitive area for abuse survivors, and a red flag...why do they think I have not reached this point in my life?..maybe I think I know it all too!, I am getting on for sixty, and have survived a lot of very difficult situations with the Lords help!! so i do have a lot of experience!! a regular friday email talks about this,from " Grace for my heart" blog, concluding that no one can see the whole picture from the outside, he talks about armchair critics shouting at the t.v because a football player didn't throw the ball to an obviously open player,only seeing from one narrow camera's view,but the footballer can see all around, we cant see the large man rounding from the side. People outside cannot see the subtle signals the abuser sends from the outside, the silent signals, body language that warns and threatens...we have to learn these signals to survive, i have spoken before about being in church and seeing Howard's body language change just from behind, (fury and anger that he was getting no-where with me). It was the post just called RAGE.

Kingsman? nope KINGSWOMAN!

I have just watched a film called "KINGSMAN", with Colin Firth,a spy Movie spoof,they are typical English Gentlemen, wearing Saville Row suits...the evil villain uses peoples mobile phones to send out a signal to turn humans into vicious killers, everyone turns on each other. It was an interesting idea, the prototype is used in a church,in America which i think is based on Westboro Baptist church in America, those unpleasant people who say "God hates F**s" ( a nasty name for Gay people).I may have missed something but there really is no reason to use a church for this..., its very unsettling,not just because of the really gory violence ,( i had to cover my eyes), but because of the unspoken pleasure we were supposed to indulge in watching these unpleasant people kill each other. I suppose i have missed this so far,many Christian believers have been saying that we as Christian are being sidelined, mocked for our views.. I am not anti Gay,I try not to judge anyone,(because I am a sinner and don't see myself as better than anyone else).Also because Jesus tells us not to Judge others!!!,but how long will it be until the Enemy lumps us all together?, we are going to be seen as no better than those Vile people. God DOES NOT HATE ANYONE,He loves EVERY-ONE of His children.

Induction

We are still waiting for Willow, poor Daisy has now been induced 3 times,she is in hospital, there is a doctors strike today here in England, so it is difficult to know what will happen.I managed to make it to Brian and Helens last night for about 45 minutes,until i had to leave to pick up Joe and Ellie and take them back home, Daisy's Mum Alison has stayed in the hospital with her,so we are still in limbo,she is 10 days overdue now. UPDATE!..She is here!safely delivered, Joe fainted and puked, because her heart rate dropped, and a lot of people were in the delivery room. She is home safely Now,Praise God! i will have to ask Joe if he was praying on that floor!! I bet he was!!!,i wonder who athiests pray to when in a desperate situation?!! I have a sneaky suspicion that they do desperately ask God for help, just like they celebrate Christmas and send Eggs at Easter!!(In the title music on a t.v programme called the "leftovers" a woman sings that God laughs when people ask Him for help when they are desperate!!)

Dad, Lies, Lies and exaggerations?...

"There goes the old man"I said, as the Hearse went past.We were waiting at the Crematorium,when Tashy and i went to the funeral,,i felt like vomiting when we first in the church, and cried through most of the service...he's gone. It was strange to hear about his life and accomplishments,it was strange to see Him through others eyes,It was strange to hear my Half brother Dan talk about him,in the tribute, and to see how much more easy going he was with Dan and his friends... Its going to be strange when his book is published on the 7 January.Its not so strange to remember the good things,which is difficult because a lot of them are tainted by other peoples bad opinions of him,My Parents had a very nasty divorce,we were expected to take sides,My Brother Mike died at the same time, and all the emotions were all mixed up, neither of them came out of it well, My Mum felt that we were betraying her by having contact with Dad, and even said stuff like "if your Dad really cared about you he would pick you up from the House"(,he didn't want to engage with her)He was the bad one in her eyes for leaving a marriage, which was a train wreck, and to be fair he did meet someone else fairly soon.Mum also talked about Dad with a completely different attitude , before she had always backed him up,now he was Satan!!, which i guess was understandable,as he had left her, Marriage was for life in their age group. It was strange to hear people with such good opinions, good relationships, with him.I have had to totally reassess, and remember why we fell out for so many years...It's not pleasant going back to something i have always felt guilty about, but good to know it wasn't all my fault.He decided he didn't want to be part of my kids life, which upset me a lot at the time, because they were curious about him...It's hard to think about instances, things that i remember about him, because we were a family and i cant separate memories, of both my parents together.Once Dad took me to give me a driving lesson, and said i would be a good driver one day, total parental exaggeration!! I remember Caravan holidays,our dog fighting with another dog, and their jaws getting locked together , as terriers do,and the other owner pouring a bucket of water over them, Dad was being charming as always, always laughing and trying to make us all laugh.I remember the way he would sing to him self when he went to answer the door, and how hospitable he was,"Pom pom pom", on the way to the door.We met up with some old friends from Kenya,Dad was laughing and hugging the other Guy!!! Strange!.When he was on Honeymoon and i had a sickness bug,he held my hair, and emptied the vomit, this amazed me at the time, because i don't remember him doing any of this before, my Mum was a nurse so she took care of us.Neither of my parents were physically affectionate, touchy feely type of people.

The Truth, the WHOLE truth, and nothing BUT the truth?

Lie and liars? Darren's carer called him a Liar yesterday...so we had a discussion about what lying is,he was upset, because he had told the truth and felt he wasn't a Liar!, when he complained to the Carers Boss, because he is Asperger's they said to him that, the Carer was just doing it 'because she cared' about him...As if because they are doing it out of affection it makes it o.k? Does it hurt less?and of course we come back to the old Lemon that if someone does "Care" about you, they don't hurt you, i know that is a very simplistic idea and that, as human being we disagree, argue, but Ghandi said"that forcing your will on another person is violence". that was a shock when i first read it, "too extreme" i thought!!! "stupid liberal, namby pamby-ism", but it's true!!
We are always told to 'trust our instincts '(i.e if something feels wrong, it is wrong,Feminists would say that we as women are 'conditioned' to defer to men in every way and to be emotionally available!, (I read a link to a very funny blog that said that women should charge for the emotional sympathy we give to men friends!! Well i have certainly been that to Darren, and even Andre in the past!..) No one conditioned ME! Its just something that God has put in our nature, its the mothering instinct,which of course MEN must never know , because obviously they are all big boys now! and don't need 'mothering' any more!! Yeah Right!! Ha Ha!!! behind every man is a woman who encourages , sympathises,MOTHERS THEM!!!..,the big babies!
So what about so called "lies of ommison?" which seems to just be,NOT telling the whole truth? Does anyone have the right to know the whole truth, how would we get by by telling the Whole truth, all the time?.I was trying to explain this to Darren, i don't know if it got through...because his Carer is very bossy,(controlling really), he is scared of her and feels he has to tell her, and everyone else all his business, all his wrong doing, leaving nothing out,because otherwise it would be lying!
No one has the right to know all our inner mind, all our private shameful thoughts, except God! Its just amazing that He loves me anyway!!.It's Grace, undeserved favour. Praise Him!.So what is the answer? As adults we choose what we let other people know about us,we filter and Edit constantly,which is tedious and exhausting.How can anyone ever be truly truthful? How can we be, without showing and making vulnerable the soft underbelly of our innermost selves, are we, am I, constantly living a dishonest life, pretending like the Abuser to be someone i am not? Despite all my so called humility i have an inner ego which makes me think really i am not such a bad person,"there are far worse people in the world i tell myself, and feel all puffed up,pious and self satisfied!
Pointing the finger!!, I am bad but they are worse ..ha ha, but every time I point the finger I have three fingers pointing right back at ME!
Pontius Pilate asked Jesus," What is Truth" We are still asking the same question today, not the sort of truth that they were talking about,the Person who is the Truth, who sets us free "the Truth will set you free", the One who was called "the Truth the Way and the Life" When and how do we learn to lie?, I remember when Ben's Dad realised the first time that Ben was lying to him, he thought it was wonderful! not surprising for an Abuser,I felt sad for his loss of innocence.Small children cant lie,they always tell the truth,its such a shame that this world, and our fallen human nature changes us, so much! I know WHO is Truth! its the everyday process of being ABSOLUTELY truthful that I have a problem with!!.

Nobby, the Elf?

"I WANT TO BE AN ELF" shouted Nobby the Gnome,very loudly, as he ran through the forest, and frightened the small animals who were his friends, "what's wrong with Nobby"asked his friend the Unicorn "We don't know," said Loppy the hare, the hiding animals crept out slowly from behind the bushes,and trees. " I want to be an elf" came from the forest, "he is coming back" said the animals, and hid again, Unicorn waited until Nobby appeared, "I WANT TO BE AN ELF" He shouted again, "Nobby "said Unicorn "why are you shouting" " I WANT TO BE AN ELF" Nobby shouted even louder. " why?" asked Unicorn " Why?" said Nobby,shocked, (he didn't understand why anyone would want to be a Gnome, when there were such wonderful graceful creatures in the world as Elves) " why?" said Unicorn, "God has made you a Gnome with short legs and knobbly knee's, you don't have to bend down to collect dew for the sick animals, i can't do that,who would help the poor sick rabbits if you were an Elf?" " I want to be an elf" said Nobby, quieter this time. "Nobby" said the ancient Oak tree",i will give dew to the sick rabbits to drink,i have some on my leaves, i will just bend down and go to their Holes" "o.k" replied Nobby,"but how can you do that,you can't bend,or walk?" "I want to be a gnome" said the Oak tree, "then i can help the sick rabbits, I will ask God to make me a Gnome, i need to give the sick rabbits a drink", said the Oak tree."but then who will shade the animals in the hot sun, or make acorns for the Squirrels to eat in the cold winter,what will happen to the Squirrels? they might die if i am not here to give them my acorns..." "God has made us what we are to help Others," said Unicorn " if He had made everyone Elves who would give the Squirrels food in the winter? "Or our sick friends dew?,we thank God He made you a Gnome and not an Elf" said the small animals coming out from their hiding places, " and we thank God he made our friend the Oak tree", said the Squirrel

Vanity, Vanity all is vanity (press)

I have kept a diary since i was eight years old,i have put some of the entries on here and even copied some of the ones from the 1960's onto my laptop, and another children's story "Nobby the Elf", which i have of course lost when i had the computer updated,from vista to windows 10!! very annoying of course, but i have such limited skills with a computer its bound to happen i have no idea how to save any of my work..i suppose i could use a memory stick if i tried hard, but it gone... i suppose i could have emailed it to myself, i should have done that...too late now!!I have had an idea now for a while that i would like my story to be an inspiration for other christian women,to know how the Lord has saved me and brought me through Rape,and domestic violence, and being a carer of of handicapped son, I don't know how to do this,i have investigated publishing a book...i am not interested in making money or even the prestige of being an "Author",but i do want to tell the world how good God is,and what HE has done for me! How can i do this?...in the end i have come to the conclusion that it is only through this blog, but since then i have thought, do i in fact own my own words on here?..could my experiences be used for the Enemies purposes!!the mind boggles... it's in the Lords hands of course! if He wants this to happen He will make it happen!!. Well i have been +1'd again on this post and i only posted it 30 minutes ago!...i think i have made a mistake, worrying and planning any future for my testimony to bless anyone is not right!its His-story not mine! History!! a really bad Christian joke! there are so many things in this blog i am ashamed of, so much un-forgiveness, so much finger pointing, it is my real unedited life, and i am very far from a good Christian, in fact i am a very ineffective Christian, and read a very funny book about that recently..so maybe its better that this writing is not turned into a book..Oh i am so humble..NOT!!

42 minutes into 2016...and constant barking..

Well it's new years day, well 42 minutes into it anyway!, and next doors jack Russell terrier has just stopped, now barking again now outside! and has been doing inside since 11.40pm, it's a very annoying dog, I can't walk upstairs in my house or even shut a cupboard door without it barking at me..there are four dogs in my house and not one has barked today since the fireworks started tonight...I think they are just so drunk next door that they can't be bothered to stop the dog.what a sad existence...whoops barking again....the neighbours on the other side have small kids I wonder why they don't complain?....Ben is on his second daily dose of his medicine, and there has been no more effect on his sleeping, but I know that the sleepiness is a side affect that does wear off... So I am not getting too excited!!someone is now singing outside...maybe the adults are away next door, and the teenagers are just going wild, but I am sure I heard the woman's voice earlier....oh well!! its not worth bothering about, i suppose its just once a year after all!!!