Prayer meeting

We had a great meeting last night, not a lot of prayer, but its a start!!!!...it feels that the Lord really is in it, because it has happened without any words from me, i  did not have to speak about it to Mike, shows me i should leave things to God and not step in so fast!! I hope i listen to my own advice!!

Dads and prodigals

Feeling pretty good today, which maybe is not so appropriate considering my Mum died just three weeks ago!!..after the whole christmas humbug stuff i suppose it had to get better!... there was only one way to go after all! (cue song,,',the only way is up baby')...sad...
In the end it was 58 views on here, boxing day, and tuesday! Mikes fixing the car for me today, Alternator has gone, first time anything has gone wrong with the engine in TEN years, amazing....
Friday night prayer meetings restored, thank you Lord,t(he Ex seems to have given up, after six months, )...the Lord has restored my relationship with my  prodigal son, Joe,and He has restored my Dad to me after 33 years, amazing!!....Mike is back to his usual self, after only a month!!!... God is so good,what the enemy meant for bad,(loads of aggravation pre funeral), He has turned round, and turned it into blessings! Hallelujah!!!.....( like Joseph in the Bible calling his oldest son Ephraim,..' the Lord has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering' ) Praise Him!

Bah humbug

Very surprised to see that 41 people have viewed my blog today, and its only 8a.m here!!! really bemused, cant think my life would be that interesting to anyone.......
Mike insisted on spending the day alone yesterday, despite me asking him to come here,i rang him on Christmas Eve and said' what are you doing tommorow?' he said 'cleaning out the garage'!!!........he said he wanted a peaceful day!!! i really envy him, it felt like that line in that song'Ode to Billy-Joe' here yesterday,' i have been cooking all day and you hardly ate a thing'!!!..felt quite resentful at some points yesterday because i had asked for help,  buying the food and preparing it...got none of course!! then just decided its just us womens life...ah me...
I did have help from my youngest son Joe on Christmas eve, cleaning,so should not be too ungrateful!
Feel a lot like Scrooge in Dickens work, at Christmas,not the meanness but the whole Xmas Humbug,once a year the rest of the world celebates my Saviour,how? by honouring Him and getting saved ?,...no by pagan feasting and drinking too much!...bah humbug!.....
Usually something happens and i get the christmas spirit, like Scrooge,not this year though, few tears for my Brother who died on Christmas day 78,and i suppose i did lose my Mum too this month, so should not be too hard on myself!! and on others!!! so had my oldest 'N' and Joe and Darren, who was sick cos he ate too quick, a first for me!! some one sick after my cooking!....

Prayer partners and old enemies

Poor Mike,all his friends have seemed to desert him,a friend of his who he has done decorating for, taken for trips, and who he visits every day, has not visited him in two weeks,and only once when he was in hospital,the Ex,Howard, who he said he was 'very close too'was round his house 10 days ago, and when Mike asked him to do some decorating,he refused and told Mike he needed to go back'up the hospital, and get a life' He did call me his prayer partner yesterday, which was nice,i had been quite annoyed as i had offered to go and pray with him on friday last week,he had said 'maybe not'( as the Ex may come round any time), seeing as he had seen him at the churh that day and they had not spoken to each other,it was unlikely he would just turn up!!... So i had decided to talk to him about it in a few weeks, whem he was a bit better,surely prompted by the Lord,so was really pleased when he said we should have a prayer meeting even at his house! I have told him that in a few weeks when Ben goes back to friday night youth club i would like to start them again at his house!

Bombastic bullies 2, bluster, and hot air

So.. the bully has let me know because it was published in my blog, she will be taking 'further measures'!!!! no names have been mentioned!! and then the bully said the womans behaviour was 'not very christian',..the bully is a humanist-athiest,surely humanist dont support bad treatment of disabled people either,or support breaking the u.k's disabily rights act?... Well enough of bullies for now,Mike has been discharged from Mental hospital,my ex-husband's (the good one) girlfriend's grandson, born on 22nd was very ill shortly after birth, and he asked me to pray, i asked a few others to pray too, and he is off oxygen now! Praise God, glory to Him!..

Bithchy Bullies

Today i want to describe someone who has bullied and abused two disabled people,this person thinks it is o.k to stop a young disabled man of 22 from going to appointments, just because they are disabled,told the boys mum not to bring him to other appointments even though she was not able to get anyone to take care of her son.A person who ignored her own relations as kids when they spoke to her? Bullied ,harrassed two disabled people when she could not get her own way,subjected the disabled boys mother to abuse, and intimidation...Is an Executor of a will,.. but insisted the Mother of this young Man pay for a car that had been left to her other son,leaving the family without the money to pay for necessary heating.. And as they sit crouching over the faulty old heaters, they wonder if she, in her centrally heated house would treat a dog so badly? Is shouting and abuse the way to deal with Disabled people?...When this person could not get the Sons mum to agree with her wishes, she rang all their distant elderly relations to complain that the boys mum was 'suicidal and depressed'which effectively meant the Woman and her children were shunned at family events... How can you deal with people like this? Bullies?.. Can you choose to avoid them? What about if they are in your own family? how do you cope then?....If they are your neigbours?.. This Person is breaking the Law,the disability rights Law says 'disabled people should never be denied acces to services solely on their disability' should she be reported to the Police?...

Bombastic bullys 1 and stalkers

I have been thinking a lot about being bullied in the past,i dont want to have what our yankie friends call a pity party,i am more curious why its done,recently someone tried to bully me again,i let it go for a while, cos i am basically lazy,and made excuses not to be around the person, but circumstances meant i had to be around them, temporarily anyway. I have been researching,the reasons 'control freaks',are the way they are...mostly the conclusion is that they are basically very scared, insecure people who only feel safe when in control,and most of the advice is to avoid them like the plague!!!( a natural reaction)!!your mind is saying 'run, run . run!' I have been plagued with these people all my life, why are they attracted to me? even when i have chosen a friend who is diametrically opposite this when i first meet them they turn into this!!!!..it must be me!!or it could be the enemy of our souls is doing this..it has meant that i do feel scared to venture out,and make new friends,(as well as avoiding the stalker Ex) Well i will be writing more about what has been happening behind the scenes in the next week.

Good friend, and ungrateful Ex's

Mike has been let out of the mental hospital for the weekend,he is very happy about that!..He kicked out the Ex, after he had asked him to do some decorating,(his profession when he can be bothered to work),he said he was fed up with decorating, then told Mike to 'go back to hospital, and get a life'.He is round Mikes a lot always having meals,and this is the way he treats him? how can he call himself a christian? Mike said he thought he might be upset cos he knew i was giving Mike a lift.so this gave me an insight into his motives, he is not jealous of me being friends with Mike,so...it must be that he thought he had taken another friend away from me, or..what? turned Mike against me,as he did with my other friends and my daughter!!..He has not suceeded...so sad..!!!He is not going to win,i am enjoying this

Mike the mechanic

Mike been let out of the hospital for the night last night,he was so kind, he took my car and had the Battery changed, which i had only had for a month,i really couldnt cope with doing it, yesterday.He is so much better,as usual he has had to threaten to take themto a tribunal to chllenge the lenght of the Section (under the mental health act)
I have been having some aggavation from my Sister, which i am not going to go into now,i am finally able to forgive,(after three days) i was curious yesterday as to why it was happening, and then remembered the prayers about Emily,and it was if a light had been turned on!!..The enemy of our soul was not happy, we rattled his cage! Praise the Lord!
One good thing which has happened through all this is that i am now in contact with my Dad again,and my Ex-husband Mark (the good one)said that he had always thought' that your Dad was not such a bad guy, just a bit abrupt !!..) It was a revelation to me,as it was not something that could ever be said around my sister or Mum,i dont know if my Mum ever let go of her unforgiveness,she never stopped loving him,He has been married to someone else for over thirty years and seems happy, he and my Mum were never happy.
So i have let go of any unforgiveness that was left towards my Dad, and as my Mum said sorry for the way she treated me, i have forgiven her too, took a while, but i am there now!Praise Him...

shopping malls and control freaks

The Dream i had about my parents old house and Nicky seem painfully clear now, obviously the change in my life is that my Mum has died, and i am entering a new phase of my life, which as i said before When i dream about houses means a change in my life, and I know the Lord was telling me that my Mum was going to die.

Lithium and Vicars

Mike is allowed home during the day,he rang me but was convinced that someone was listening to our conversation!He is so much better,i think they have put him on higher dose of lithium.
We went to arrange the funeral,the Vicar is a born again christian! he lives in the Vicarage where my best friend at school Ruth lived, and it turns out that when He was a new christian Ruths Dad just saw him, and Prophesied that he was called to our town! its a small world,he also said that there was a work of God happening in the Church, and they have had healings,its amazing, in a Church of England Church.!!..Its amazing God has His people everywhere! Praise Him

brass heaven,and prayers just reaching the ceiling

On monday night i felt so bad, and completely overwhelmed at the situation, could not feel the Presence of God,my spiritual feeling was completely grounded, i felt He had left me, 'that the heavens were brass' i then just remember the words 'I will never leave you or forsake you'So of course we should never trust our emotions,

Mum

Cant cry, when my brother died,Mum said it 'was to big to cry about',i never remember her crying about it.Or not in front of anyone else.That was my Mums personality all over, she was a private person.I feel so tired all the time though,like Nicky said there seems to be a stone in my stomach,its such an effort to walk all my limbs feel really heavy.
Mike was allowed out of hospital for a few hours yesterday,he rang and Prayed for me.
On Monday night when we came home for a break i was at the end of my ability to endure going there again,just could not face it.I think i would have fainted if i had tried.I think my sister was the same,and when they rang and said her breathing had changed again, i had lost the ability to make any decision to go again.So she died alone,peacefully and with dignity.Which knowing Mum was what she would have wanted,she would not have wanted us to see her die, and yet that is what we both wanted, or thought we did,probably because we thought it was the right thing to do.
Every time we were there she rallied,she was making an effort for us,Nicky told her several times it was o.k to go,she knew we could'nt endure anymore.Last thing i said to her was 'see you soon'I really hope she reached out to God as she died.
There were several things on her window sill,a picture of Mike,a picture of Mum aged about 15,a picture of all of us on the climbing frame.and a carving Mike had made at school.they were all knocked over except the picture of Mum.

Passing of the best Mother

Mum died tonight at 8.30p.m

Visiting Mike

We finally were able to visit Mike on saturday, seems much better.I was called into the care home yesterday morning,at 6.am, her breathing was getting worse, its called 'chain stoking',she stopped breathing a few times when we were there too,quite shocking,her heart is now shutting down and concentrating on keeping the main organs going.Its really just a matter of time,God is in control.Praise Him

sledgehammers

Mum is still going,she seems very comfortable, the nurses and carers where she is are great, relly loving and kind to her.I am surprised to hear that my mum has left me some money,i did not think there would be any left as she has been in the care home for 5 years.It does not matter much at all to me, i am really unmaterialistic, and i feel bad even saying about it when she is still here, although me and Nicky were discussing her funeral on the phone when i was sitting next to her!!..
I have not been to see Mike, would have usually done by now, but just too much going on with Mum.It took them two days to get him into the Mental hospital,at the end they had to stop him taking a sledge hammer to his car!
I had a dream about my Ex,we were somewhere, on a adventure holiday,he was there, i was pretty indifferent about him, but as always very wary of him, and careful never to be alone with him,i had a sense of a lot of emotions around the situation, which were not coming from me,is God saying just being around him is giving him hope. that i will take him back? The Irony of the situation is that he is watching me,and i am watching him, but for different reasons! But i did not choose this situation, he did.i really dont want to go into this whole situation again. I just wish i didn't have these creepy dreams!!!..

Sisters and nurses

Got called up again as my Mum had bad breathing,she has rallied again though, very tough lady, she has not been able to take food for a week, but is still taking water,so while there is life there is hope!My Mum is a wonderful person, a great Mum, and though sometimes we did have a difficult relationship, i am very glad God chose her as my Mum,she was kind, very gentle, always had time for me, was my best friend, always ready to give advice, if i was having a problem with my children, when i brought them up on my own,she had a very high powered Job, had trained hard to get there,a Registered Nurse, a Midwife, then as Health Visitor, brought us three children up, despite having to work, many house moves and shielded us from the worst effects of Life, and a husband who eventually she split up from. just as my brother became ill and died.I am so proud of her.

DEMENTIA AND DRAINRODS

Mum finally saw the G.P.(family doctor,today,he says she had a stroke on saturday, and she has taken a lot of water today,so we will have to see what is going to happen, Pastor Emmanuel rang me today and was very encouraging,God told me that he is now my father,he has adopted me, which fits really as i was born in Africa, he is in Zimbabwe,my biological father, who i spoke to on saturday, who i have not seen for 20 yrs was not helpful or encouraging at all.
He and my mother split up 33 years ago,he has married again, and has a son who is 27, who e are not allowed to see, he decided not to be part of our lives.
But God has not left me befeft of a father.Ben is 22 today,and is going to have a birthday tea with his grandparents ,Dad and Brother late r this after noon.I usually take them all out for a meal on theirs birthday, but couldn't face it at the moment with mum as she is.
Had to rod the drains again today, wonderful job!!NOT!!...

God is in control

Went to see my mum at the care home yesterday,the day before she had quite a swollen bottom lip,and a bruise on her upper arm, she was looking very pale, had not taken any food but some water,everyone says she will not last long, but its not up to them is it? God is in control, He decides when she lives or dies!!Pastor Emmanuel, in Zimbabwe has been praying, a lot for her, for which i am very grateful,.. ishould really let him know what is happening at the monment.

seizure and shopping

My Mum had a siezure yesterday, they called us, while we were shopping,and said she only had a few hours,we went to the Care home where she has been living for about five years, because she has end stage Dementia, and after a while she started to breathe better, and has had a good night.
So thanks God for that, Praise Him.
Mike has finally been admited to the Mental Hospital,will probably go to see him tommorow...Nickys blog has something on it too

Gym

Mike was back home last thing i heard. Went past the gym last night and although my membership is due to end next month decided to go in one last time,i love to go but just not able to because of Ben,i joined when he was at college, and was going 3-4 times a week, but he hated college, and one day when i was just about to leave the house, ( i had been delayed) he came walking through the door, the electricity had gone off at college, and they just sent them home without a phone call, they had my mobile because they had rung me the day before,literally two minutes later and i would have been out, really scared me,the taxi driver did not check to see if anyone was here.
My oldest son 'N' was there (gym)with his friend,and they said my subscription will just go on at the present low price, so will try harder to go!my heart rate was up to 114, i had been very breathless when i got there,because of the cold air(i have asthma)

Mania and Mike

He has taken himself off to hospital As a VISITOR!, there is no consultant to section him,in a Pysciatric hospital!!!It would be funny if it was not so tragic, i just feel like crying now,cant find the energy to do anything,he could walk out, and drive in this manic state,i am praying hard...Spoke to his other friend Nicky and Luke is blaming himself, (because he has some horror films in the house) obviously never seen anyone in this Manic state before, hes scared so Nicky has made up a room for him at her house.But if and when Mike is sectioned he can go back home.

bi-polar

My friend Mike is getting worse, he has almost lost his voice,as his vocal chords cant take the constant talking, and shouting,he really needs to be in hospital,his two lodgers have never seen him like this, it must be very shocking for them, he wont be told though, hes put the phone down on me about 4 times today, after he has rung me up, because i keep telling him to go to the doctor,i hope he will be in hospital later today.
I am feeling a little stir crazy today, not been out of the house since Monday.

megaphones and mania

Nicky had a very calm night last night! praise the Lord!!..I on the other hand did not,had been asleep downstairs and of course when i went to bed at 2.am, when Ben was tired, i couldn't sleep!..the whole situation with my friend, Mike was really troubling me,did not think i could endure another meeting with him,he is talking loudly all the time, and of course as usual when he is ill no-one can disagree with him, his is the only opinion, and he will literally shout down any one who disagrees!!
Very hard to take for more than a few minutes, poor Darren was sitting next to him, and of course Aspergers people cant take loud talking or noise!!! He has a very loud booming type of voice!!...I know God can stop his decline, into Mental hospital. But only if it is in His plan!
I was determined not to let him in today, because i just needed a break from him for a while!.. but i went to the door without checking and he just walked in a whirlwind in human form!!!,i was squirming most of the time and trying to bite my tonque! and not say what i really think!!..

Minor irritaions, and tug of war

Well Praise the Lord, Darrens Uncle is getting better, still in hospital, but not for too long!
My friend is still worrying me,he is the one who my Ex Howard has suddenly decided is his best friend, i have to be careful though as i am not going to make it a tug of war,with him in the middle with the Ex, a few times it just happens that i have made arangments,only to have him distract my friend into something else.
He can do what he wants,( and i am sure he knows me well enough to know this would annoy me).I have to be careful,because i don't want my friend to get ill again,The Ex would not care particuarly about this, as he does not seem to care much about anyone but himself,i am responsible to God in this situation, and he cant play a game of 'tug of war' if i don't join in!!
I am annoyed that the Ex is round there almost every day, and my friend says that he is very'close' to him,i hope God will help me to do the right thing, and give me wisdom.

Bob and Bi-polar

We had another good prayer meeting yesterday,realy powerful,the Lord prompted me to pray for Darren, because his Uncle is in hospital, who he talks to every day so he was upset,could really feel the Holy Spirit,and when i sat down i was always knocked flat by the power!!..worried about my friend who is not sleeping well, he has had Bi Polar in the past and is not on any tablets, after the Pysciatrist reduced it completely,usually a sign he is getting ill again is lack of sleep.

Burkino Fasso

Went to the meeting last night, was interesting, there was a brother from Africa, Burkino Fasso,very interesting,he had been in a car accident,and got out alive, car was totally wrecked, Mechanic was amazed any one got out alive, but his wife and two kids were fine too! Praise Him!!

dream

Well know now why Nicky was in my dream, she had a really bad last night with her autistic daughter, which had started not long after we finished praying, a coincidence? i wonder!!!!..still really don't know why, but i do remember that the dream seemed to finish with a pile of stuff and i was stroking a yorkies leg that was stuck underneath, (it could have been the one which died!)and then woke up to hear one of the dogs crying in its sleep..so don't know what happened in the house dream at the end...I am at a loss about what to do, I have spoken to Mike and we have prayed in toungues, and i will tonight,as i am her God-mother i do have some spiritual authority over her,will be praying in tounges again tonight.

Unforgiveness?

We had the prayer meeting last night,but i did not feel the presence of God ONCE! Didn't really notice at the time,we prayed a lot, and was involved in making sure everyone was covered.
Puzzled about it last night, before sleeping, and had some weird dreams,in one i was trying to go back to the house where i grew up, which was sold 30yrs ago,i met Nicky on the way and the house had gone, replaced by a huge shopping mall!..I often dream about houses i once lived in,never this one except once! when i dreamed that The Ex was walking down stairs, which were all open, he said 'Brenda died'. This was years before she did, and when i got the news i was standing at the bottom of the stairs, he rang me up and told me, just the same place i had heard the news in the dream!....very strange.
I have some ability in interpreting dreams,a gift God has given me,to be used for His glory,not hard ,because most of the time it's the Lord trying to bring His children to Him, for instance,my friend Mark kept having a dream that he was a sheep on a winding narrow path on a dangerous hillside!!! most believers would know what that means...Jesus is the good shepard, and the word of God says'we are all like sheep gone astray'!
But i don't know anyone else who interprets dreams!..so no help for me!!!.. i do know though that dreams about houses usually mean something new is happening in my life,sometimes the houses have hidden rooms with wonderful old furniture (which i love)
One dream i was moving into a new house, and had to go and light the open fires in each one, about five rooms,obvious really as i have five children,(God wants me to pray for Him to bring them into the Kingdom!)
So is the new dream about the past being gone? am i unforgiving because Emily has shown no change yet? Is He just simply just saying the past has gone, leave it behind? Am i holding onto unforgiveness from the past?
Could it be because of my daughters falling out, and me getting involved? by challenging her on her loyalty to family,(by having my Ex around her house, after she knows, he beat and raped me, and was violent to her brothers?)
Its a mystery,i do feel guilty about my daughter though,dont know why!!she seems to have no conscience at all!, or care how she treats us!..the community police woman was shocked she had him round her house,made me feel very ashamed of her.
Well, just repented of those things,toward Mike and 'Z'..Praise Him!

driven out again

Grumpy..Grumpy...Grumpy...didn't think i knew why, Darren came round just now, and he is very sensitive to peoples moods (and yet the a.s.d experts would say that they would not notice)!!!did not know myself, but i think i do know why,Mike rang yesterday and said we should not come round last night, cos the Ex was there,we used to go round regularly on a friday for years, and then when the whole thing with Him started, and Mike said 'what if you were round my house and Howard turned up, it would be very uncomfortable for Me' as the Lord had told me NOT to get Mike in the middle of it, so i said i would not come round on Fridays,so to obey the Lord (Mike had previously said that his greatest wish was to see me and Ex in the same room again.He had put himself in it, when it was really NONE of his business)I had to do what i was told though!..
Really wanted to go round there,rebelliously, i am afraid!..was planning to just turn up! he should not think he can drive me away from everywhere i go!..was enjoying him having to hide at the church!!..but of course that has changed, on tuesday he came out and sat in the main area, and as i left i said goodbye he was sitting at a table with the Pastor, so i just said a general goodbye in Pastors direction , was going to just say 'goodbye Phil and Keith' and leave him out but would have been too obvious! He looked and went to say something but i turned away!... i could have got him arrested for even talking to me!!..Dont want to bring the church guys into this but will have to if it continues...,i am sure he took it as encouragement that i even looked in his direction,its all so unnecessary, i have been going to the church, on and off for over 15 yrs, Mikes house longer than that, before Mike was even friends with him.Really unfair,his son was talking to Nathan,my son, and said' it must be hard when they have the same friends'.. well he only decided they were his friends after he saw me with Mike....Loser

Who are you?

Ben got up at 10.30 this morning, totally shocked, just seen 3 people viewed this blog this morning,wierd....why would anyone want to read about me, must have just been passing through...who are you?...i know this is a public forum..but did not think anyone would actually read it...
Need to do loads of stuff today, just cant get the enthusiam up today,self -deafeating....

meltdown

Do i believe what God has said to me or do i believe the evidence of my own eyes,God has told me that He has found in my favour in the appeal to His throne. against the enemy of our souls, i find myself wanting to scan the 'small print' examining the exact wording.On out side there is no visible improvement in Emily,if anything its worse, Nicky tweeted that she had a 'meltdown' tonight, it was 'the worst thing in the world', blaming the tory government, because no emergency respite available,( she had hit her 17 yr old sister), and yet an hour later was commenting on watching a t.v Prog!
I asked for the Autism to be reversed to the time the curse of it was broken over the family, when Em was a baby,i have since found out.So i will continue to believe the Lord, to even wonder is doubt.He has said He will do it,So he will. Praise Him

sewage

Finally had to clear the drains yesterday, had been leaving it to see if it would clear itself, did last time a few weeks ago,got the rods down and it went after a few minutes!!!....fun fun fun!...
It was strange after i had changed all my clothes i sat down and was freezing! even my nose, eventyually had something to eat , then did not feel so cold--wierd!!Darrens doing his usual dissapearing act when hes got money and he owes me some,he's been told by Jilly the money she sent him he should take me out for a meal, and its just the same as the time i took him to see his Nan in london, i said you can take me out for something to eat, he was only willing to stretch to a sandwich,this was after he got given £500 by his Uncle!he saying now he wants to get fish and chips,because he thinks thats the cheapest thing!..
Its a bit galling when i am always doing stuff for him! but after all i am not doing it to get anything back from him,and it is a good lesson to me, not to allow myself to be taken advantage off
NOT a grace grower, but a learning experience!!!
'N' needs some money to advertise his buisness,he has asked his Dad who just inherited money he has been 'umming and ahhing' for a month and 'N' has not had any work for a few weeks, i got a rebate on my electricity bill and was so worried by my sons states of mind, sounding a bit depressed, that i offered him some,i spoke to his Dad,who was asking me for a lift! he pretended he was deaf and then talked about himself for the next few minutes!..

there no need to freak out

Well....its 2.30 a.m, i cant sleep, as the next door neighbours were playing their drum kit in their cellar till 12.30, i had (managed to get to bed at 11p.m, very unusual for us,as i am trying to get Ben into good habits,)
Lying in bed, t.v on low, but could still hear noise from 3 floors below!!,after hour and a half i could stand no more as Ben was belting the ceiling and not sleeping, i lost my temper and after beating the adjoining wall with my walking stick, i went there and pressed their doorbell several(4) times, and beat in the grating on the cellar twice too,made a hell of a noise all up and down the street!
I think the doorbell was what they found most un-reasonable.. as they have a 7 yr old kid,!!!.maybe i should do it again at 4.am?
Young-ish woman in her 20's -30's comes to the door,'and with the usual flawed logic of those in the wrong, turns it round and blames me,'well you should have said it was too loud, there's no need to freak out!!!'
'I should'nt have to tell you, up to 11pm is acceptable, if you don't stop now i'm calling the police'
'theres no need to freak out, you should have said something'
'these are terraced houses , everyone can hear everything,i can hear this two houses away'slight exageration...
Ah well, as usual i get so mad,go up like a fire work, and then feel really guilty for days afterwards, Irish temper, i scare people cos i really dont care once i get angry,once when these guys were playing football in the local crowded park, and the ball hit the pushchair,i told the bloke off, he was 6'6,i could only reach his chest,(5'3'') and my kids Dad? Jon.who had said ('i'm not telling him he's bigger than me'),he was hiding!...the guy said sorry and left.
All my good intentions, all my turn the other cheek, all gone! my two lads, aged 20 & 30 will think its great that i did that, they could not stand the drumming in the afternoons,and i had to stop them going round and complaining there and then!! its easy to explain them, too much testosterone! but me? cos i am past menopause, maybe the Oestrogen is not so prevalent any more, its great, i love not being so soppy and put up with less stuff since then, i had an early menopause at 45! wonderful, should have done it years ago, had less s##t for sure!
When i was at Art school,in the classroon next door there was loads of noise, our male teacher kicked the door open,and they went strangely silent! he then went on to explain how testosterone was to blame for most of the worlds ills!...his too i presume!!!.

Danny boy

Nicky did a wonderful entry in her blog about our Grandad Danny who was injured onthe Somme, it was funny cos in the car yesterday the Johnny Cash version of 'Danny boy'was on the c.d, thats whats she used to sing to my Grandad.Dan was born in america to George and Rosanna Hill, in Pittsburg Pennsylvania,his father was killed horses racing, (in his forties!!), so the local Freemasons,offered to farm out her Seven children, he had been a member. She brought them all back on the long sea voyage to Ireland, Danny almost dying from sea sickness.She was rather an arguementative woman,and fell out with all the members of her family, ( rather like her namesake, my daughter!! always wore black,and very short.
Danny then, decided the difficult path of marrying a Catholic,being a stauch Protestant and member of the Orange order, this was unusual to say the least! She was actually Ex-communicated from Rome, my mum recalled being at the bedside of a sick brother of Rosannas, the Priest was there and He completely ingored my mum because she was Protestant.So much for Dead religion!
I have spent most of this morning at the hospital, because Ben has had two wisdom teeth out, hes o.k now.
We had a good meeting last night,took a bit of time to get into the Peace of the Lord,we were holding on to too much of the wordly things, we prayed for some of the people we have known for years, and for the ones we see every day who are not saved.God can do it!!!

Aggravation for Darren

Went to the throne of Grace,( prayed because as the word says we can come boldly to the throne of grace).So just waiting to see some changes, probably is doubt though, so will try to be patient.
Had a great prayer meeting on Saturday night,( apart from the baubles incident),tired though as woke up to find no epilepsy meds left for Ben, panicked,and the car battery was dead!!! think it might have been the Enemy though as was planning to appeal for Emily that day,just did it yesterday, so Nil victory for the Father of lies that day!
Mike got me a new battery and took me to the docs for meds for Ben! Poor Darren though too, he had aggro all round,that same day, his Nan,wife of elderly man disciplining him, and his support workers!.. poor guy, Lord please stop me from ever telling ANYONE how to run their lives!!!(notice how they are all women too!!!!...)

BALLS!!!....

I knew the Prayer meeting had gone past the point of no return last night when Darren said'Lisa, i cant wait to show you my balls' ... stunned silence,.. from everyone til,' Darren, i think you means christmass tree BAUBLES...'
Suppressed laughing and guffaws,(That of course is not what i wanted to say which would have been more along the line of'are they ginger and hairy',but as a respectable middle- aged woman would not have been appropriate...)..ah me cant stop laughing all day about that,almost as good as tuesday..not quite tho!..

no change....yet

No improvement as far as i know in Emily yet,i think the Lord may want me to appeal to His throne room for justice,the curses have been broken in my family years ago so no-one should get worse Autisim.
Will hopefully do that today, or tommorow,See what the Lord has me to do....

what goes around...

I have had trouble not smiling all day!the enemy has not had the victory, in isolating me,the Ex was at church today when we went for lunch, and actually hid so he could not see me, he was not nice to 'D' though, not smiling or even speaking to him,after almost six years of 'accidently on purpose' turning up where i was, saying bad stuff about me to my friends,(some of which i lost because of it)and my family.Claiming to be my girls father, and upsetting my whole family, and worst of all ruining my relationship with my daughter for a year and a half,it was nice to get that small victory!
He was not happy because it was his turn to get teased by the guys,they all take turns...he can't bear to be teased..i suppose he has to hang onto what little dignity he has left..
Mike and i were laughing and joking,so he could see that he has not spoiled that friendship for me. Call me bloody minded, but i am intending to go for lunch at the church at least twice a week, more if i feel like it...Thank you Lord!!!..

Still praying for Emily, there is a waiting list for the residential school so there is still time for God to do a mighty work of healing, one of the ladies prayed in my Lydia group to see Emily healed doing the same as all other girls her age, with a bright future, makes me cry,and that bringing Nicky and Phil to faith. God is able!

LOST ENTRY!!

I just typed a whole entry, and then pushed the wrong button and lost it all!...The Lord has given me a great personal victory today,with the return of the prodigal,

MY Prodigal

Felling quite good at the moment, due i think to plenty of sleep, physically anyway! pretty heartbroken for my sister Nicky as the Doctor has told her that Emily has 'regresion', which happens to most kids when they are 18- 2yrs old,hardly ever happens to kids who are 14 like Em,i havent contacted her, don't know what to say...
I have put it on a yahoo group called 'a million prayers', it up to the Lord,if He wants to heal he He is capable, as he has answered prayer for me about Joe, my prodigal son,who was away from the family for 3 years, and was told by his Father that he had no one, a complete lie,God brought him home, just like Joseph in the Bible,he went into Eygypt,was actually kid-napped, but was the means that God used to save his whole family.
The Lord has promised that Joe will become a Preacher, and bring his Dad and Grandad to Him,did not want to name him Joseph,but his dad called him that straight after his birth, showing the nurses in the ward,we were going to call him Zac,but maybe his name is Gods will after all as it is Joseph!!!! God knows and is in control!!!...Praise Him!

Called home,to the One he loves, (more than me)

Well,God has been showing me some things through the passing of the faithful hound, mostly that even a dog can go to heaven, before he died he would lift his head and tilt it as if he was trying to hear something,i thought at the time that he was just halucinating,and dismissed it,but he was looking at someone he knew well and was waiting for instruction,I was the person he liked most in the world, and he was not looking at me!!..,i think it was like in the 'Last Battle' where Lucy hears the voice of the person she likes most calling her home,she like her Dad most, but it was not him! obviously Our Heavenly Father,been a big lesson to me,Most Christians say dogs don't got to heaven,he was my faithful hound, but he was Gods before me!I had prayed hard that he would not die,unless it was Gods will,and also that if he was going to go, it would be quick,he was only sick a day!
Also reminds me about the 'Wind in the Willows' where Rat and Mole, have a Spiritual encounter with the Animal 'god' Pan,don't really know why though!!!
I feel pretty annoyed with myself, after looking at the calender and seeing that i had wasted THREE months of my life getting wound up about the Ex and his tricks,of course much as i would like to blame him i know it is the enemy!!!...

shut out in the cold

The dog died this morning, was not expecting it, had convinced myself that he just had a dose of the runs and would be o.k, too raw to talk about yet,so just to top off a REALLY awful start to the day, i took Darren to the open lunch at the church and the Ex Howard,was right there!...was expecting he would be, which in the natural,-the 'flesh' means not so much of a shock, so dont have extreme fear reaction, or that i am able to control myself in simple terms, it was awkward, but its done, and i have showed the Pastor at the church, and his wife i can be in the same place.Was struggling with thoughts that said' they dont want you here. they just like him' Obviously straight from the Pit of Hell,but still a struggle!!!!
Then got a REALLY friendly phone call from my friend Mike, (who the Lord told me not to get in the middle of this between me and The Ex,i am obviously back in favour, and not being judged as 'not forgiving', whoop de do...lucky lucky me!!!.)..I had told Him the situation of my treatment at the Ex's hands,he chose to shut me out in the cold,i really trusted him, and as always my mistake is to care too much for my friends only to be let down, hard....
Ah me,i have decided i really like my children as grown ups,as well as love them, have seen all of them over today.well to a better tomorrow...

Yorkshire terrier

Am nursing one of my very old Yorkshire Terrier with a bad dose of Diahrea,(never sure how to spell that!)My life has been pretty uneventful for the last three days as i have been stuck in the house through my own dose of the 'runs'!!
its 1 a.m here and Ben's still wide awake, i have started to get Nicky's tweets over my mobile, over a hundred a day, may have to stop, quite interesting through the whole Ricky Gervaise thing, and also how i knew about the doctors recommendation for Emily, may keep it...So bored, stuck at home all weekend!
Its been quite strange how Biggles(i didn't name him)!!.. was fine yesterday,usually sleeps a lot most of the time now anyway, he couldn't walk upstairs last night or downstairs this morning, has had the runs today,and really can't stand up without falling over now ,but was able to walk some earlier on today!! really strange! he's probably just too old to cope with much....

Thy Will be done

Well, the world did not end yesterday!Nicky got a personal apology from Ricky Gervaise,well done him.Bit of a strange day today, well a non-day really,hoping my friend Mike would come for Prayers, he's ill he says, or it could be that he is friends with my Ex, and doesn't want to come!...oh well, his loss!!
Was told by the Lord not to get him involved in the trouble between me and the Ex, so maybe that is why he is not here!...will see next Saturday.
Nickys been told by the doctor that Em may need to go to a residential school, because of the violence towards Nicky,going to pray hard and ask others to Pray too, i am sure it is the epiepsy meds, made Ben quite aggresive,he has calmed down now tho, sleeping is still bad tho, i could do something about that if i really wanted too.
Its strange tho. I was praying last night for Emily,its got to be the enemy,he has let up on the Ex husband aggravation, so coming from another angle.God is in control,'Thy will be done' Amen

My Child,and my Mum

My thoughts are on my mum today,maybe because i just read a blog by another Mum of a disabled child,i feel so sorry for myself sometimes, and yet my life is so much easier than so many other special needs parents, Nicky says its a good day for her when she is not punched by Em,who wants to go out, but then is staered at and mocked, so its so stressful for the rest of them,Em does not notice,she threw Nicky across Sainsburys, so Nick is recovering from bruised tail bone, all this and she is getting 'aggravation'(understated so not to upset me) from Ricky Gervaise fans for daring to challenge his use of the foul word'mong'.
What has this to do with my Mum,once when i was pregnant and was consumed with worry about not having a 'normal' child,she just listend in her calm way,and said'i won't matter,because it will be your child'.....

Thanks Mum, miss you...

Police lady

On Friday night Ben went to his usual friday night youth club,he told me afterwards that he had told the 'police lady' about the trouble i was having with the Ex,Howard,didn't take much notice and on Sunday there was a knock on the door, it was a community police officer!!.. ' I have been talking to your son Ben' she came in and i told her everthing, she went back to talk to her Sargeant, and she rang and said that if he approached me again they would arrest him,warn him that it was harrasment, and he would be prosecuted!! amazing....solicitors wouldn't help, Police didn't,Ben did!!!.., ( but it was really the Lord,my last post i said that i must trust Him).
I do this everytime, always go to the Lord last!!!.. when I gave up my determination to sort this my way He steps in!!!
The Police woman i saw months back said i should avoid him at all costs as this would just 'encourage him', the community officer said that i shaould not let this affect my life, i should go where i want, so i went to church on sunday night, fully expected him to be there,he was'nt, (but OF COURSE will be there next week)!!..and of course this was what was getting me down, i felt even more of a prisioner than i already was!! had a bit of the runs the next day, but not as much as before! God is good!!.Halelujah!!.

Insomnia

How many times have today have i had Ben say 'i want to kill you', at least five! its not even said in an angry way, its just a passing comment like,'cold today'!Compared to the life some other carers live i have it pretty easy,my sister is recovering from a bruised tail bone, after being thrown across Sainsburys by her autistic 14 year old girl,My day starts with me getting up at around 8-8.30 my usual time to get up is 6 a.m, but my sleeping pattern has to fit around Ben's now, he will then get up at 1 pm,not eat anything , take his epilepsy meds,and then go on his laptop for four hours,he watches you tube,music he likes mostly, and signs along very loudly!!!he will then watch one of his d.v.d's. He likes martial arts,adventure fighting type films, he gets a d.v.d every week.
He does that until he feels tired, usually about 1 a.m, i have been sleeping on the sofa since about 9.o-9.30, which is my usual time for sleeping. I watch far too much t.v, i find if i put the radio on, i usually get more done around the house. I have a struggle with housework,and while my kids always say that it is my health problems that affect it,chronic laziness doesn't help!!!. I am trying to find out which of my meds causes insomnia, because i have trouble sleeping at least twice a week. The meds i have for hiatus hernia claim to have some side effects of insomnia, so i am taking them in the morning to see if this helps, i have had quite a few cramps in my legs and feet today, these had almost disappeared after i cut out all sweetener's in my diet.
My best news today, in fact for months is that a woman called Heather has become a believer partly because of an answer i put on Yahoo answers! She asked how she could be sure that her life would change if she turned to God,i answered that God loved her, and was waiting for her to turn to Him,(more than that, but it was the Holy Spirit really, not me at all!!.) So wonderful and encouraging! I suppose the whole recent attack from the enemy was about this!!!..(ex-husband etc.)
I am reluctant to talk about this whole subject, but the Solicitor says 'there is nothing more she could do, but of course if he is violent call the Police,i went a bit crazy with anger that night and was determined to have it out with him,so i went to his house,He was out!! thank you Lord!!!
I wanted to say that what ever he does i will NEVER get back with him (although the Police woman i saw said any contact i have with him will just encourage him),violence and abuse aside,to me the worst he has ever done is to try to get between my and my oldest daughter Zannie. Everything else he has ever done just pales into insignificance compared to that,to me and i thought the whole world!!.. relationships with children were out of bounds, nothing ever should be done to ruin that...(his daughter hides when he goes to see her!, because he is so obsessed with me that's all he talks about!)..I hate feeling like a Victim, and to be in a situation which is completely out of my control is quite scary.I know myself too, i am getting to the point where i cant tolerate anymore and will confront him. It has been almost five years since this,'stalking' started!(this time anyway, not including the last church i went to) I must trust in God in this situation.

15 mins

I have found that Bens attention span is about 15mins, the time it takes him to become bored, went to hospital appointment for Ben,then the 'i want to kill you' ,directed at me,starts,louder and louder,(actually co-incided with the departure of the only girls his age)!!!....Then the flicking his fingers close to my face, usually a few inches.
I wonder if i have got the cheek to say to the receptionist this before i go? I wonder what i should do, and dont know who to ask.The natural instinct is to keep as low a profile as i can,and try to mimimise the autism effects, i dont want to embarass him in public.

joy

Felt quite good today,although still got bad back,my youngest'J' helped me yesterdy and we were able to sort out some of his brother Ben's stuff.Three whole bin bags!..so that gave me the impetus to start to sort out some things which had been annoying me for ages,a while later 'D' came round,and i caught him stealing from me!..(he only swapped his empty lighter, for one of my full ones, which i use for firelighting in the winter)..
I still feel quite upset with him, probably more disappointed than anything, trying to not blow this out of proportion....but, i really thought i could trust him,he gets money out for me, (which i dont check everytime) He has not said sorry.in fact he lied even more and said he was 'only looking at it',while it was in his pocket!...i dont think so!..
What do i do now? He has taken money from people i know before,an old christian couple i know,it was just £10 which they had left on their shelf for a bill, they had him pay them back £1 a week,!He has taken milk from my doorstep, which i did not know about til a few weeks later, when i gave him some food when he had run out of money and food, he felt so guilty he told me about the milk!
I know as a christian i should forgive, and i have,still smarts though!!My trust will have to be earned again i suppose. What a shame, so unnecessary!!..I suppose the whole point of this is that i have lost the Joy i was feeling, the enemy did have the victory,but not for long i hope!...the bible says we are to keep 'short accounts', i.e repent for our sins (wrongs) and forgive other theirs!...

Darrens Hacking Cough

Well it worked, immediate attention in solicitors office,Darren also had a hacking cough, which helped!!!.. i should rent them out!!!.. we went for a drink afterwards and my oldest son'Nathan and daughtet Tashie,it was nice to see them both,But when Darren is around it is immposible to have a conversation!!!..he wants all the attention on him, only talk about his concerns, he talks over other people,my kids are very patient with him, which makes me very proud! Ben never said a word,did a lot of flicking his fingers in my face,we have only been in there a few times, so it was not a familiar place to him, i think that makes him insecure.
We never made it to apologise to the lady Darren was rude too, he has seen her today and said sorry,she was not willing to accept it.Not sure what to do next.!!!sad to find out that ex-step daughter is upset about solicitors letter to her Dad,what can i do, just want to be left alone?... he won't take no for an answer, saw ex-stepson Lauries yesterday, just bumped into him,he was fine,no animosity from him! Its a shame because i really care about my step-kids,have known them since they were babies.Still friends with their Mum, although only see her about once every 3 yrs!
Send complaint to B.B.C. about the use of the offensive word'ret**d' on a t.v.show.

Sandwich bars

Talked again to Darren about the incident where he got banned from the Sandwich bar, took a while to get to the bottom of it, turns out that he had not 'overheard' someone say it!...which he did tell me... it was his own idea what other people would say!!!!thats a horse of a' different colour'!!!!...AND he had said this to her TWICE...so we are going to go to town tommorow and he is going to apologise to her,which is what the Propriator had told him to do before he can come back!!...
'D'has an amazing memory, (but just for numbers it seems,)he can remember mobile numbers, in fact any numbers!!!.. our own 'rainman'!!!!!...It is not true though that all Autistic people have a 'special' gift,we tend to remember the things we are interested in,My son Ben can recite whole film scores he has seen,!!.. but thats what happens when you watch something repeatedly!
I am going to go to the solicitor tommorow and not leave until i have an appointment, and of course i will HAVE to take Ben!.... who when he gets bored, will start to pretend punch me, and slap me with his sleeve!!might even get D to come too, and when he is nervous gets quite loud and can make innapropriate remarks, very loudly!!!!He is 24 stone, has his large belly hanging out as his clothes don't fit him anymore, i wonder how the solicitors Posh clients will appreciate that?!......I am feeling pretty rebellious and anarchistic today, usually happens after a period of feelings helpless, as the Yanks say 'go figure'....!!!

Another sleepless night

Another sleepless night, feel drained today,all affects of a hangover, with non of the actual drinking,! shame.....House a mess, things need doing and no energy to do them,bad back too!!!... oh woe is me!!.....had a bit of a' pity party' yesterday, the solicitor has not contacted me, although i first rang on monday,' shes in court, in whitchurch' maybe wrong but i thought only Barristers could appear in court!!!...
So angry that Ex husband Howard gets away with pestering me and no-one sees able or willing to help, emailed my poor long suffering sister in the end,as is she does not have enough on her plate with out me adding to it!!!!...She was calmly able to show me just to keep trying solicitor!!!.....He is not going to get away with this any more,the enemy of our souls is behind this, and he did have the victory for a while yesterday,but not for long!! Hallelujah!..God is good.
Thinking about my neigbour,Darren is a sufferer of Aspergers,physically he looks like King Henry 8th!!and his tummy increases fast!He rings me and likes to come round and pray and read the bible with me,he rang me yesterday because he had been thrown out of a cafe,for repeating to a woman that somebody had walked past and said privately to his companion that she looked like a man!!!..,he was upset and could not understand what he had done wrong, in his eyes HE did not say anything bad!! the woman got upset with him and complained,this establishment,(which is not exactly a posh establishment, a sandwich bar with a few chairs outside) is quite happy to take Darrens money most of the time, as long as he sits outside and keeps quiet!.....
Sometimes its hard being friends with Darren cause his Aspergers is hard to cope with sometimes.

Soul stealers or Grace growers?

'Soul stealers' or 'Grace growers'
Grace growers means the difficult people we come across,who help us to grow in Grace!(eventually)....Soul stealers are what some people call Satan, or Demons, or 'bad luck'Christians would say Satan, what we call the 'enemy of our soul',who can petition God to test us,( as in the book of Job in the old testament.And Peter in the gospels.)
I don't believe in 'luck' as i have faith in a supernatural, all seeing Being who cares passionately for me, and everyone else.
The People of God are very hard to be around,personally i would rather face a room full of Hell's Angels, than a room full of Christians!!.. Bikers are less judgemental, and forgiving, sorry but its true!!! ( but isn't it true that the only people who Judged Jesus were the 'religious' people,and eventually killed Him.) Lets face it, i have plenty of stuff to be judged on, divorced twice,FIVE kids, lack of housekeeping skills! So its easy to Judge me, but what did Jesus ever do to be Judged so harshly about?...it was His very Nature to be without Sin or He could not have been the Perfect Sacrifice for us?( and I am in no way comparing myself with Him)
The most Christ 'like' person I have ever met was a Girl called Michelle ,at college, she was so kind and loving,never judging others, but when I said to her, 'most of the people i knew would never talk to you',because (she is Gay).I felt really ashamed, of myself, and them.
My son Nathan, hated gay people until he met someone at college who is now his friend! My Granddad, who did not like black People, EXCEPT THE ONES HE ACTUALLY MET! who he thought were really great people!..So i guess we all have predjudices, which are fine, until we meet them and find out they are just as human as we are!!!. We are all Gods children, i agree with the Creationists when they say that there is only one Human Race,not races, just different skin tones, not gay or straight,Abled or Dis-abled,rich poor........HUMAN.....

Battered into submission?

I have been thinking a lot over the past few days and weeks about forgiveness,obviously in my present situation,i am being challenged by other people, and am being told 'that forgiveness means forgetting'.Pastor David Wilkerson did say that once you have forgiven ' it should never been mentioned again'.I don't want to be here to justify my reactions, and on Sunday i was just blowing off steam!.... I went on Harvest warriors, Dr Rebecca Browns website and she says forgiving someone does not mean you have to be around them again. i.e Forgiving and moving on.
In examining my motives i am sure that if the Ex-husband Howard, stayed away from me, i would give him not another thought,apart for the occasional bad thought that surfaced!!!,,and hopefully quickly repented of!...i know i have better things to do than constantly re-hashing the past, its gone i cant change it.
The past is being forced into my face, because of the 'accidently-on-purpose'presence of this man where ever i go,(an exaggeration, not really everywhere!)Could it be that God is trying to show me something? I went through the Prayers that Dr Rebecca had after her article.
What is important is that forgiveness is very important to God,(i.e the parable of the talents i think!...) how can he forgive us if we don't forgive others. Self examination over!...
It seems to me that Christian churches are no different to those written about in the book 'battered into submission'.To me the conclusion the book gets to is that women who are battered are encouraged to return to their husbands despite the risk of dying, UNTIL the Pastors own daughters are in this situation!!!..It seems their lives are more important...
The Biblical reasons only for Divorce are unfaithfulness, but remarriage is not allowed.
Its very sad,women have to leave their churches, lose their friends and support network, or stay,with the possibility of death or serious injury.Seems no better for christian women than the ones in the Middle East.
As the book says, 'sin is sin',the unbelieving world seems to have a more healthy attitude to this controvertial topic, than the so called 'People of God' the same people who protest about Abortion, and 'every life is precious'!!!..

still waiting

....still waiting for him to get up so we can go!!!!....

Shining demonic voice

In tears reading Nickys blog,she remembers things i don't,i feel pretty selfish moaning about my life when he really did not have one.....It is interesting what she says about everyone in the family being on the Autistic spectrum,I dont believe it though!. i know the world was different then,and there was the whole british upper lip thing,pyscologists would say that is an unhealthy way to be,i am not sure though!.. remember seeing a C.N.N report during the 7/7 bombings and the reporter saying how we were handlingy it without panic,but'this is the way they are' felt quite proud then,not sure now!
Ben was vey annoyed yesterday that we are going to the caravan,used the 'shining'demonic voice!!( tried not to laugh! and last night was getting within an inch of my face,trying to get me to say we were'nt going!!!!..

My brother Mikes fiftieth birthday

Strange day today...my brother Mikes 50th birthday, he died aged 17, cant really imagine him as a 50 year old, would his hair have stayed blond,would he have children? even grandchildren by now! see the carewrite.blogspot - christmas day. I suppose it like the old rememberce day Prayer 'they will never get old as those left behind will get old' not exact words, but hope it is the eneral gist!

The Monster, and spoons

Feeling very fed-up today, went to the church service this morning, did not even get through the door,' i have to warn you' said the nice lady on the door'your ex-husband is there today' heart sinks, feels sick,my two sons tried to encourage me to go in, but i ran away like a coward again,at least i suppose i didnt faint this time, like a few weeks ago on a sunday evening and as i walk in the door i see that familiar bald spot, and white hair, i just got outside and fainted, the nice women took me round the side of the church through another door, and gave me a cup of tea,until i was able to drive home. 'Try to come on Sunday mornings, he never comes then' so next sunday went on sunday at 10.30, wonderful service and time of fellowship, but there was someone there who is a friend of his, and must have told him,so this Sunday! there he is, 'you could go to the other side of the church, away from him' said the lady on the door, but that would involve walking past him and the front of the church, and i could not trust my legs not to let me down ( literally) again.
I am a christian, not a good one mind you, so i have forgiven the Rape, domestic violence and the abuse, and violence towards my ( then) 5 and 6 year old boys. But how can I forget, should I physically scoop the memories out of my Brain? I really wish i could, i dont want to have nightmares, and faint when i see him!...some people have said that because i faint i cannot have forgiven,i actually have no animosity towards this man, this is a totally UNCONTROLLABLE PHYSICAL REACTION.but these are people who have never been raped or beaten up so what the F'''''''k do they know? If you want to know more about this story, read the carewrite blogspot.com, and scroll down to the 'Monster' story.I have been to the Police,who said they could do nothing unless he actually threatens me,the fact that he eventually turns up EVERYWHERE i go IS VERY threatening seems to escape them.!!!!.. well i suppose its back to the Solicitor again, although the letter from them a month ago to him seems to have made no difference to his behaviour.

i found it again!

HEY I FOUND IT AGAIN! very sad i know i have lost it for two years! i have been reading my sister Nicky Clarks blog, and suddenly this popped up,!!!..been reading about her struggles with an increasingly aggresive 15 yr old Autistic daughter. I know how she feels as i am sole carer for my 21year old son Ben, who is wide awake and its 2.am!!.. any parent or carer will tell you that we live in a sort of half life, 'in the world but not of it' as the bible says!...the invisibles.... i remember hearing a person talking about wandering the street in the middle of the night and seeing an incredibly large woman outside, the only time she felt able to go out without being stared at! I had planned to go to my caravan in Wales tomorrow,but its just to hot to take the Dogs in the car,(4 yorkshire terrors)!... So will probly wait until next week, its just as isolating there but at least the scenery is better!