Re-writing History,Hearsay, and Forgiveness!! 'tidings of bitterness and lies, bitterness and lies'

Yesterday was the 23rd December,the day in 1978 that my brother was taken into hospital,my Mums birthday,also the day Mike was conceived, she told me!! she was 45,Mike was suffering from a heart condition,Primary Pulmonory Hypertension,he died on Christmas day,just two days later, at 17 it was cruel to lose him so young,Dad had brought him an Antique Chess set, and just opening it early had sent him into a fit of coughing.....so now 35 years later,My Mum has died,Mike has Died,my Dad lives far away and is 80 himself soon,and i have Five very healthy children,God is good all the time,He gets us through. all the time, i am not going to let some lies told about my family upset me this year, i know that the ones who are gone would agree with me,Mike loved Christmas,He loved my Mum and Dad, My Mum loved my Dad till the Day she died, and i wont let anyone I love be airbrushed out of History!!, i was there i saw it,i didn't get it secondhand!..
Its very un-Christ like of me i know,but there are very un-pleasant relations of mine i would like to air-brush out!! (well only one actually)...Why cant they let go and forgive? Life is too short!!
Unfortunately, we can choose out friends,but not our family!,and those that chose to live their lives full of bitterness and un-forgiveness,are very sad, life is to be lived now!,My Mum forgave, she did not let a bitter divorce ruin the rest of her life,she had better things to do,she knew how important forgiveness is,just as those who have to forgive their husbands infidelity FORGIVE to keep the family together!..so many things are more important than nursing bitterness and anger for our whole lives! Especially when it is on someone else's behalf,only hearing one side of the argument,and not actually having been there, and lived through it..... so the Bombastic bullies live on to ride another day and try to re-write History....so sad,a Judge in a court would not take 3rd party Hearsay as truth, neither should anyone else! even the ones my Dad calls the 'Wicked Witch of the west'..Happy and Blessed Christmas to everyone out there!

HIS VOICE

I have been thinking about the time when God spoke to me,in a deep mans voice, which seemed to come out of my Body, my stomach,i was alone in the house and had been thinking some bad thoughts about my Ex husband Howard, i had been thinking how thick, stupid he was, that's when this deep Mans voice spoke, and said 'Don't you think I can make him into the man you need him to be' this was about ten years ago,i didn't affect me greatly at the time,except I tried to stop thinking bad thoughts about him, for a while anyway!
I do still talk about him to my daughter Tash, because she doesn't like him much,none of my kids do, even Zannie who has him round her house,her husband Andy made a big fuss when i first objected to it, and said it was not up to me to say who they could have round their house.Loyalty to me none existent..which in effect means i can't go to my daughters house when ever i want to.i also can't go to Mikes house or the church i was going to for 15 years, this man Howard is obviously a stalker, and one of the things they are well known for doing is to involve the family and friends of the one they seek to control, to get information from, and also seek to break down all the victims support group,he has failed!
But i am getting away from the main thing i wanted to ponder, about the Audible voice of God,i am not boasting about the fact that He chose to speak to me, i was humbled, and He was rebuking me for sinning!i don't really know why i am dwelling on this now,is it because i now know He knows all out thoughts?...Is it because of the so called 'Supernatural' thing, that a disembodied voices spoke. i cant even remember my reaction to this,why now after all this time has it come back? am i supposed to learn something from this now? but i don't know what!

Testimony, part three.

I kept going to that Church for a few years, was Baptized in the River in August, it was still cold! but low because it had been a hot summer.I never really felt accepted in the Church, it was not in an old church building,just a meeting in an old town building,the Pastor had never been to Bible college or ordained by any religious Organization, but were real born-again believers, with a wonderful musical ministry,i felt most comfortable in Biker clothes, and all the other Women wore frilly, flowery stepford wife type dresses!!...that's fine for them, but God has not made me like that!!...I was a problem to them because i was divorced, they almost worshiped marriage,and when i go married again, despite advice not too,and Howard started to hit me they told me that it was sinful not to obey my husband and emotionally blackmailed me into staying with a violent man, i have struggled for a long time to forgive them, i felt my life was worthless to them, because he could have easily killed me.. So on very painful night after i made him leave,the Lord took me through every incident of abuse,i was that sexually molested 4 year old again, that scared and cowering 12 year old, trying to protect my brother and sister as my parents tried to kill each other, that up 15yr old beaten by my father,that Raped 27 yr old, and beaten wife twice!He showed me He was there with me i was never alone,He asked me to forgive these men,not to let the 'off the hook' as i thought, but to stop the affects of their choices, affecting my life, God is so good,He takes the 'foolish things of the world (me) to confound the wise' Doctors Counsellor's, Pyschiatrist's, Pyschologist's, none of these wise wordly people can heal the affects of abuse, only God!If you don't know Him turn to Him now, it will be the best, the best, thing you will every do! just say you are sorry for the bad stuff you have done, imagine your heart has a little door, open it for Him, ask Him to come into Your Heart and life, do it today don't go another Minute with out Him in your life, its the best advice i can give you, He is the best Gift you will ever receive, God bless you.

Criminals,forgiveness and His perfect world.

Today i have joined some domestic abuse pages on facebook,it is really hard to read them sometimes, and i am not sure if it is a good thing to do because my life has moved on, and sometimes it can leave me feeling troubled, a lovely lady called Terry Loving,(very apt name), runs a site called the Spiritual side of domestic violence, and i know it can take its toll on her, she is really helping people out there who may not have told anyone about their hellish home-life,i try to encourage her, and in my own small way encourage others who are suffering too,mostly i tell them what Jesus has done for me,by setting me free from un-forgiveness, and therefore not allowing the Criminals to keep on affecting my life,I am free,i will have to finish my testimony sometime.
Its all glory to God,while watching a young 20 yr old's You tubes video about her sexual abuse, by her step father, i was troubled when she said "God had allowed me to go through it for a reason", i don't think God allow's these crimes to happen, its not a learning experience, she had felt angry with God, and justifyingly so if that's her Mindset.
I believe that God does know when every piece of abuse happens,He took me through every incidence of abuse on very Painful night and showed me He was there, and asked me to forgive the criminals who tried to victimise me, they CHOSE IT, God DID NOT plan this world to be like this, so full of abusers, rapists, murderers etc, He planned a world where nothing bad happens,but He gave us a choice to Love Him freely,we, (Adam and Eve)chose to use their free will to disobey God, and the world we live in now is the result. God never allows bad things to happen to us,He never Punishes us,we step out of His protection, and we live in a fallen Evil world, BUT THIS WILL NOT LAST FOR EVER,JESUS IS COMING BACK, AND WE WILL HAVE A PERFECT WORLD.

I am sitting in a warm house,I AM SITTING IN A WARM HOUSE!!after 28 years (today) of living in this house i am warm!Ben started shouting at me when i kept kissing the boiler...idol worship..The new central heating was finally turned on yesterday, made me late to pick up people to go to Biker church and we got there late, and got lost..but I AM WARM...Mike has decided to come to the christian motorcyclist association meeting tonight,after telling me a few weeks ago that he would never come again.So life is good....and SO SO SO WARM!.....

Telling the truth in love...

My wonderful friend Andre has been staying with Mike for a few days this week, and i am happy to say he says Mike is back to his normal self,he is not too friendly towards me though, because we had "words" a few weeks ago when he was responsible for closing down a Prayer for Israel meeting at a town 30 miles away, (the leader had told Elizabeth he did not want Mike to come,his exact words were " if he comes again i am not".
I told him this and said " why are you not better, people don't want you around" which was very harsh, but i had been told by his oldest friend Nicky that he was not taking his medicine properly,she tells him the truth which he does not like,so i thought that as i care about him its only right to tell him the truth,i can never get away with anything i always get the truth from him!
Andre is happy that Mike is going to have some "harsh" words for the scam artist,which i doubt, because she is an attractive Asian woman!!,Russ who had to bring Mike home.and was attacked three times on the plane by Mike, has written a letter to complain about the "mission"to the church in Birmingham which has "ordained" her as a Missionary,he had to pay for his own ticket,Mikes and the £450 taxi fare from London, nearly £1000.(she claimed there was no money to pay for the tickets back).
She has not rung Mike to see how he is, or anyone supporting her here to let them know about the progress of the mission, Andre is friendly with someone from the same church as her niece, who have been reporting that people have been saved, but she does not waste that info on the people who have supported her!!!,( Mike who has spent a fortune on petrol, taking her over all the country),every one who went there has said that nothing was set up for them to work there, Mike was just shoved into a corner, and ignored because there was no interpreter to get him involved.
I really don't care about her getting her "just deserts",although Andre does!!,the couple who are the treasurer and secretary are pulling out,because of the way the mission has been run,I knew the sort of person she was last year and told him,her morals are appalling,she flirted and got Andres feelings all stirred up, because she knew he was my friend, and i have had vile text messages with the sort of language which would embarrass a football crowd! I do sound bitter!! but only because Mike was badly treated,and would not listen to any warnings from those who really care about him.

Dreams, Nightmares,Ants and Animals.

I have started reading proverbs, every night, and was surprised to find an answer to question which was causing me to doubt,years ago i went with Sue and my children, her kids and her Parents, Barbara and Edwin to a butterfly Centre in Wales (called Pilas Palais)there was a display of Ants, and next to it was a quote from the Bible saying "look to he Ant, thou sluggard", having watched some nature Programs, i since found out all Insects are female, the males only live a short time, just to mate.So was thinking that why had the Bible not said" female?"...,How could God who created everything not known that all insects (the workers anyway) were female? The answer of course that God NEVER gets anything wrong, I did! the Ant is called HER! This makes me think of two things from C.S.Lewis Narnia children's books,In the Voyage of the Dawn Treader,they rescue a sailor who is stuck in a place where Dreams come true, "how wonderful" they all say, until someone says, "dreams,not daydreams".
Recently as i fall asleep some terrible images come to my mind,i pray repent, commands anything not of God to leave,its very disturbing, i know this is the Enemy of my Soul, trying to " get" to me,it is quite worrying that Mike is not recovering as well as usual,i have been very worried about Joe because i have not heard from him for two weeks, he finally text me so i don't have to worry about that.
The second thing from the Narnia books is in the "Last Battle" his allegory of the End days of this world,its the way that the Animals lose the ability to speak,and revert to Wildness,and it seems to me that as we get to the End Times humans are sometimes turning into Animals,Charles Darwin and His followers think we are all Animals, some T.V announcers even say now, "we and other animals"....i am thinking really about Animals that are just brought up by the Females, the males just spend their time looking for Females to Impregnate....sometimes Society seems like that to me, so many single Mums,Men who are not interested in being Fathers, and some Women who do not let Men be Fathers.... Gods plan for us is the Family, Adam and Eve,it is the basis of society.I am not condemning anyone, i chose to be a single Mum,the alternative was dangerous!

Meds, meters and ... megaphone Mike!

Where would i be without God in my life? certainly not doing well at all! i think i would be on medicine,for constant depression, because what could i have done with the things that others chose to do to me? i would never have forgiven, them! (to me it was letting them "off the hook") when really the only one who was punished was me, i was letting them control my life, i was " stuck in a moment" well more than one!....of course anger turned inside comes out as depression,and un -forgiveness is Anger, that we cant get rid of.
I am waiting for the Gas company to come and fit a meter, so i can use my newly installed heating system!..the fitter just rang and said i didn't need to wait in because the meter box is outside, i almost laughed as i feel so tired, after yesterday,i made the mistake of taking my friend Mike, to biker church,( he was going through a Bi Polar episode, he wasn't taking his medicine,i don't know if he is now.)
It was very difficult, i prayed before we went, and really did not give it enough thought,he was rude to Sandra, who is a talkative old lady, she started telling us about an old lady we both knew, and Mike says,"here we go", he had even brought ear plugs!!!!.., but didn't get them out,AND HE WAS THE ONE WHO TALKED ALL THE TIME! we even got lost on the way back" surely because i was stressed out by Him!!!...
I know God was looking after us,we were late back, i hate being late for anything, i am sure the Enemy knows that!.. so all in all it wasn't really a good experience,I am not sure what to do next time, whether to take him or not, i will have to pray,and seek Gods wisdom.
The local mental hospital has closed and a very expensive new one opened, with only 18 beds, the old one had hundreds, so of course instead of two weeks being sectioned,being made to take his medicines,now he is cared for "in the community", which actually consists of him being left to his own devices,he is losing friends,he is isolated, not monitored,the human cost is Immense,but at least money is saved by the government!!!.....

Spike,inhalers,and power cuts!

I have got a new puppy, a Yorkshire terrier,6 months old, Ben wants to call him Spike, like the dog from the Tom and Jerry cartoons, a bulldog!!, i am not quite sure its suitable for a Yorkie though, but i have run out of ideas for names as this is my 8th dog, the best name i thought of is Toto! went down hill from there! Mike and i fell out for about a week, when he objected to me telling him to take his med's, he wasn't even though the Psychiatrist told him too, he missed out on a wonderful meeting, where a Chairman of the Welsh C.M.A did his testimony,it was really inspiring!i have found out they go to church in the same welsh town where my caravan is,his wife is really nice, i would love to go and visit them. I went to the caravan last week and managed two days, i have not been going so much this year because of all the work that's been going on in the house,and last time i stayed there i forgot my inhaler, and instead of waiting and going to the doctor there, i did a stupid thing and drove back the 78 miles, i could hardly walk...very irresponsible!! It scared me a lot that i am so near to something bad happening just by forgetting something so simple,i really learnt a lesson from that, as we always do through bad things, i have to be more careful with my health, i have been in intensive care many times,in my twenties,it could so easliy happen again. It was really wonderful to be there, at the caravan,it was so peaceful somehow,we took the new car, with the new cage, and the dogs seemed happier in that,Ben was happy to go, he likes the secondhand d.v.d shop there,it was so nice, and although i am not likely to go back this year as the weather has turned cold,i will be looking forward to go there next year, i have been dreading to go, for so many months,every time i planned to go, some workman rang to say they could only come on that day, i was ill sometimes, and had biker church,once i had everything ready to go, and started to walk up the road to get the car, and was wheezy,(asthma)! so had to turn back, Ben was delighted!!. So today there are workmen outside installing my Gas supply,which i assumed would take maybe a day, its been three days! on monday they hit the main electric supply, so downed tools,at 8.p.m the electric company came out and turned off the supply for the whole street!!, only for half an hour,so i don't know when it will be finished... The good news is that Mike rang me yesterday and is his old self!! so everything is good, for me at the moment!

testimony,part 2

I was an molested, abused,unwanted child, later i became a battered wife,was raped by my husbands best friend,my Son is now mentally disabled because he saw his father try to strangle me,( this is not some wacky theory of my own, a child Pyshcologist said this). I spent my life trying to get past these Acts someone else chose to do to me,i was in Unforgiveness which was eating away at me,to my mind "forgiveness meant letting them get away with it",but they did get away with it, and despite me doing my best to bring them to justice nothing came of it!...but the Anger was still there, i was depressed, bringing up five children on my own, following every wacky theory the World came up with on child rearing!!.. My life was spiralling downward,i was not promiscuos,but like a lot of people i thought if i just found the right Husband i would be happy,i found three husbands,(not at the same time,)but no Human being could answer the questions i had, like "is this all there is",i had resigned myself to never being happy and just did the best i could to bring up my children, alone... truly alone, no husband, and NO help from anyone else, my Mum and my two youngest Grandparents, bought clothes, but the day to day care,and problems were up to me to solve alone, it was hard, i wouldn't talk to another adult for weeks,but My sons and Daughters have really turned out to be decent human beings, and i am proud of all of them,but i cant claim any credit, this happened despite me! I know it was the Lord!Praise Him. sometimes because i had to live on benefits, we ,couldn't always pay the bills, i had to make sure there was enough food,so the bills came second.I know what its like to hide from creditors, not answer to door or dread answering the phone. One day i was walking up the local main street,and i heard someone preaching and playing guitars,i stopped to listen,i went to their church, and slowly things that were said, a line from a song, struck a chord with me, i could see these people were different, full of genuine love and care,I WANTED WHAT THEY HAD!! So, i prayed one day, "God if you are real,prove it",....nothing happened, no blinding light! nothing outward, or inward for a while!!but i felt hungry for His word,i felt the need to know more about Him,looking back i know that the change had started in me, firstly was PEACE,i had never felt before,i had felt anxious all my life, especially with the responsibility of doing the right thing by my children.It was gone!! I had an assurance that my life, and my children's lives were under control, Under GOD'S CONTROL, slowly i realised i would never be alone again,'Jesus says He will NEVER LEAVE US OR FORSAKE US' i had been forsaken all my life, by humans, NEVER BY GOD! part three coming soon...

Blood of the Lamb, and the word of our Testimony.

So its done, i did my testimony, and when i have more time i will put it here,it seeme d to go really well, most of the poeple there came up to me and said they were inspired, and one guy who has been at nerly every meeting i have been to since April who has never said heelo did wich was great i was starting to worry why not!

forbodeings of doom realised......

It seems almost surreal to read the post about me being "worried about Mike",i am sorry to say my fears were justified,He's had a breakdown there,in India,and had to be brought back,everyone sees the "scam artist" for what she is, and there is no money left in the charity, so a man Called Russ had to pay for his and Mikes ticket back, and the £450, taxi fair from London Gatwick airport.Mikes friend Nicky is trying to get him admitted to hospital,so thank God he is home safely, and the Russ was there to care for him,He is a registered Mental health nurse, and was able to give Mike some medicine to calm him down on the flights back, even so Mike attacked him three times....

worried about Mike....

Mikes going to India today, i cant say i am not worried about him, he wont accept any doubt,and says 'God is in it', He is the Chairman of the charity,which means that he is financially responsible, and yet he has no idea how much has been raised.... its all very worrying, his oldest friend Nicky, is very worried about him going, and has said she wishes he wasnt going, and has told him not to make himself short by giving so much of his money to it.He has put his faith in a person, who is married but was simpering up to Andre, saying ' You can give me what my husband cant',literally cuddling up to an almost complete stranger!!, who just happens to be a close friend of mine, co-incidence?.... And now this woman has been ' ordained' as a 'missionary', with her set of Morals?...she is also the person who sent me supposedly 'anonymus' text messages, with vile sexual language in them....I despair, and Mike is in her cluthches...but of course Mike might be inheriting some money...and its not just me who can see through her, the church she used to go to warned others there not to 'give her money', and were very suspicious of her motives, the Local Pastor in India, sent emails to her family to say she was only 'in it for the money'.....Oh dear Oh dear.. He wont listen to widom, to those who love him and have known him for years, he is an Adult, i suppose its his choice.

13kg, and more bugs.

I have lost two stone, a stone and a half in the last 7 weeks,13kg since february! yeah!!....We had a wonderful time last night as it was Nathans 32nd birtday,and we all went out for a meal, (except Joe, he is in Scotland to look after daisys mum,after she comes out of hospital) Andre came too , he was just up for the day, and had spent the day in Birmingham,with Mike and a few others. Life is very good at the moment, despite a few niggles the Enemy has sent our way,minor bugs to be swatted again...My children have all got great people in their lives,and seem very happy. My roof is nearly finished,the heating is connected, and ready to go once the Gas is connected, and the kitchen looks great with new doors and plaster,and the floor is nearly finished.Praise God! it is easy to Praise Him when life is good,i know the enemy will try to provoke me into negative thoughts, but with His strength i will be able to take it all captive! Hallelujah1

A small thing

I am doing my testinomy at the October Bikers churh, i am not nervous, never am until about two minutes before i do it!Its funny really that people are surprised that i as a quiet person am not frightened to speak to an Audience, i remember my friends Ex husband, Tony Mcphee, a blues Musician was talking about it,he said'i can see you being able to go on stage'a nice thing to say,'he also said he wasn't nervous because he knew he was good at it,he is a brilliant guitarist! I dont think i am good at ANYTHING,any talents I have, come from God, so i am only sending them back to Him by doing His work! How can i not stand up and tell of His goodness, its a small thing compared to what He did for me! I have been reading about His death, well the start of it so far anyway, in the Gospel of Mathew,at the moment He is praying in the garden of Gethsemene,He goes back to see His friends,and three times they are sleeping,an echo i suppose of the three times Peter denied Him,so He could not rely on any Human to comfort Him, they knew what was coming, He told them many times. I have denied Him many times, just yesterday i was 'ashamed of the cross' i was wearing for a second,(a Tshirt which has the 'God so loved the world' words on it in the shape of the cross).... I am very ashamed of myself, but He always forgives.I am very un-deserving of that.

i have been trying to remember things to post by putting down titles, on the 18th of August i wrote about dreames, i dreamt about my Ex Husband,i was with him and then found out he was cheating so ended it,i was not sure what this meant,i thought it could be that i was emotionless about the cheating, maybe that i didn't let myself get affected by Him anymore which was nice for the few hours it lasted! i wont go into details, but i found out later that day from sandra, that He had been telling lies about me again at the church i went to for 15yrs until he started going there!I haves asked Sandra not to tell me anything about Him, but she blurted it out before i could stop her. Its really not work being friends with people who say things to hurt us, even when asked not to. So it was a warning from God, the dream, of course the "cheating" was him lieing,and maybe the reaction was what He wants it to be,not what it was! I have put some paintings in a Exhibition, in a nearby shopping centre,one was immediately put in the Window! Nathan is in Eygypt at the moment, Zannie went to New York, for her friend,and Ex stepsisters 30th birthday,( when they got home she had a party for her family,didnt invite her Dad, who was then "accidently" told by her step-dad!!, who also said "He looks really old" HA HA!) i AM A TERRIBLE CHRISTIAN......I SHOULDN'T really laugh, but he has caused me a lot of trouble over the years, and expense! ( THIS IS THE SAME EX-STEP DAUGHTER WHO USED TO HIDE WHEN HE WENT ROUND, BECAUSE ALL HE WANTED TO TALK TO HER ABOUT WAS ME,but this is the same man who didnt see his children on the pre arranged day because his 17 yr old girlfriend was jealous of the time he spent with them, he was 35)So what goes around.....!

well it got published, so that great, thanks Google!

hope this post appears ,i have lost several!

well i really hope this appears! i have lost some over the last few days,it is at least appearing, which is a bid improvement on previously!!..i am not going to type too much, if this appears i will say more tommorow!

maybe the end of this blog,i will have to go somewhere else,will decide soon

google, whats the point of having free blogs if we cant ACTUALLY POST ANYTHING?

cant post again.................

CANT POST ,CANT POST

dreams and answers,tears and betrayal. still cant post.

still cant post,painting,sickness,

google, i still cant post, please can you fix this?...having house sorted,very cathartic.....Mikes going to India in oct.

cant post again!!...

why does he do that?...i have no clue!!

I recently read the book by Lundy Bancroft 'why does he do that', he is a Pyshcologist who has studied and had personal contact in encounter groups with Abusers.(I found it really hard to read, the Human side of me getting angry in the first few chapters, almost wanting to toss it into the fire,but i persevered, and found it one of the most enlightening book i have ever read,( after 'women who love too much', which helped me entangle my thought process from trying to change Him,at first it seemed very Pro-abuser, by saying women were trying to control the Abuser, which really annoyed me too, but we all go through a process to get free of abuse.) In a way of course we are trying to control Abusers behaviour, FOR OUR OWN SAFETY,and of course Ultimately theirs, because they will always end up alone,'old men with broken teeth,lonely with out love',( a line from a Bob Dylan song) my last Abuser,Howard certainly is, although he tries hard not to be seen that way, by engineering a meeting with a woman, where he knew i would be. The point i am trying to get to is that Joe's Dad, Jon told me a few weeks ago that Joe spends all his money on dope, cannabis, which of course was said to upset me, which it really did and i have been angry with Joe for weeks now, which of course was what his dad Jon wanted!... so the question again why does He do that?, and as always i have no clue!!!.. was he jealous of me, being closer to Joe? answers on a postcard please!!.. He is such a star!!, i heard him telling his girlfriend to 'shut up Babe' when he was on the phone to me,this is the 'Babe' whose house he lives in, she works all day driving huge lorries around Wales, while he stays in Bed,(claiming benefits, falsely as a single person,you can't get benefits in U.K if you live together in a relationship with someone who has a job,,and claiming they are just 'sharing the house',and have no relationship, because he gets extra money to have his rent paid!!!) this is also the man who tried to force me to lie to the authorities so he wouldn't have to pay child support!..in fact he never paid until they took it directly from His employer, last time he worked,TEN years ago!

Bono, Dave and starring at walls...

I have been reading the book" Bono On Bono", on my new kindle that my kids got me for my 55th birthday, i was really surprised when He is talking about on of his songs, cant remember the title, but it was about his friend who committed suicide, the Words which struck me were " stuck in a moment you cant get out of", that's how i described my friends Marion's suicide, she couldn't get past something in her life,a "moment", she lived in until her death. I remember once saying when she was around, about suicidal people not really wanting to die, but just that the pain would stop,i still feel guilty about that. Dave was my creative writing teacher,which i did a few years ago a free course for Carers,he said i wrote 'interesting stories',which was nice to hear but i am not sure! I have recently decided that i spend a lot of my life starring at walls, not that i am looking at the wall itself, but my mind is elsewhere, usually because i am waiting for Ben,yesterday it was a garden wall...oh well i am not really as boring as i seem to the outside,i am quite happy to be a "home bird", i have always been, as a child we lived all over the world,so i feel secure in one place now, my children must be the same, none of them want to leave this town where they were born a brought up.So today, i am grateful to God for security of my home, but more than that the security i have in His love for me,and the knowledge that although the world is going through some hard times, maybe even the Tribulation,God will take care of me,and mine. Praise Him!

Able to post again!!!.. and grateful to practice my faith freely.

Able to post again at last, its been a week, well done Google, i know other bloggers have been affected in the same way! Today i am grateful to God for...being able to be free to practice my faith, so many of my brothers and sisters across the world are not able to do that, and it may be that one day here in U.k we wont be able to either.
Mike is still insisting on going to India, and those of us who care about him (and don't see him as a meal ticket) are worried about him, but he will not listen,and we just have to sit back and watch the inevitable happen...
Andre and i are close again, he rings about twice a week, which is wonderful,Eddie Mike's friend is finally to be let out of prison, to a bail hostel for six months,if he behaves himself he will be allowed to return here.I hope it all goes well for him,but being as he has a Personality disorder,i doubt it will be long before he upsets someone again,he has to limit his contact with certain people who the Authorities regard as 'vulnerable'.

still cant post,google do something about this please, i am not the only one affected!!

STILL CANT POST, GOOGLE PLEASE TAKE NOTICE AND ...FIX....FIX!

cant post cant post cant post

Ex-criminals and chocolate...and conversation!!

Yesterday we had the Bikers church in a local church, it was a good service, quite a few people went up for Prayer, or salvation, wonderful testimony from Chris, from the local 'twig',and from the Pastor Colin.Both were in back Patch clubs, which mean criminal organisations.I have had Max for the weekend too,and yesterday afternoon i heard conversation from the kitchen, not an unusual thing for most households, but it was Ben and Max having a conversation!!!....just mundane stuff like "i like that chocolate", "i like it too",but not heard of, except one other time when Ben had been prayed for by the Evangelist, William Lee!...Praise God,the closer i get to Him, and follow His will for my life, the more Ben goes forward!!!Hallelujah.

wil o the wisps,gone for ever...

Today i am grateful to God for...some Wisdom He has given me,and the great Blessings my children are from Him,i know they are Gifts from God for me,and i have done the best i could for them, and now they are independent adults,with their own lives,i like them a lot.
I made mistakes,things i will always regret,but i am very happy with the people they have turned out to be, they all have a sense of fair play,i hope would never bully others,Joe said that they have all got those good things from me,and that they are the people they are because of me, which is nice to know.It is hard to take compliments,i don't now if its because i am female, and guilt seems to be par 'for the course',or its the abuse i suffered!
I now the battle of the mind we all go through is really a dialogue with the Enemy, the father of lies, who is always trying to bring us down,make us feel bad, about our failures and bad choices,the 'whispering campaign'....its no co-incidence that the Abusers voice SHOUTS our own insecurities back at us!!! we know where he gets it from!!!
So here i am, in this house,the abusers have come and gone,like fleeting wisps of evil,and they left me with still other people!,wonderful people! who have part of my soul,but  not the evil of the wisps,like ships that pass in the night,not the soul stealer's,the soul ties are cut....they hold no part of me....they are gone forever, they cant hurt me,the words they uttered, have just evaporated like they never existed..... I can see my life in this house,where i have been for 28 years,my life just passing by on a video,with me existing as i am now everyone else going at fast forward, leaving me with the ones who my heart sings for,and God gave them to me,a truly truly wonderful gift.

many are the afflictions

Today i am grateful to God for the many blessings He gives us,i was thinking of using my t.v control to be able to skip through the unpleasant adverts,( i hate all t.v averts)!!.. its a shame we cant skip through the unpleasant times in our lives the same way!...We have to endure the unpleasantness,it says somewhere in Gods word, the Bible, that 'many are the afflictions of the righteous'( although i don't feel particularly 'righteous') I suppose its saying that we should not expect to not have the unpleasant stuff,but  we never have to endure it alone, God is always with us!.I did my Testimony at the local christian motorcyclist meeting, and i said how the Lord had taken me through every instance of Abuse through my life and showed me He was there, I was not alone, like the  Father of lies wants to make us think.
There has been some controversy in the Press recently, saying how much o women contribute to Rape, Domestic Violence, some of the Opinions were from women .One side, the extreme feminists want to demonise all men, and never hold women accountable,just the reverse in fact of the attitude that men are just irresponsible boys who are incapable of controlling their Urges! So what is the truth, do women need to take responsibility for their own safety? Is it true that Women feel like a 'prey animal 'all the time,and men are the Predators?I read an Article by a very pretty woman who described her day travelling to and from work, men were trying various methods to engage with her, if she ignored them she was met with verbal aggression, even in public places,not all men,just the controlling ones with the big egos!!..

Life is good

Today i am grateful to God, for a really nice day yesterday,we took the two dogs to the Sunday market, and they did bark at other dogs, 9which was quite annoying 0but behaved well, then we took them for a long walk across some huge Playing fields which they loved,i had spoken the day before to a Breeder who was asking about them and why they were always barking and it inspired me to take them out and give them a Chance to behave, so i am glad they did, when they are away from me Gizmo did play with another bigger dog,only one small bark, but not aggressively! i was really pleased with them.
So the lesson i think God wanted me to learn from this, that even though things may have always happened a bad way in the Past doesn't mean change cant happen, if i am willing to 'step into' a new attitude, and give it a chance!
The Lord has me and Mike getting involved in the local Christian Motorcyclists Association,and Biker church, i have wanted to get involved with it for years,so i am really glad that i have a new direction, which the Lord has given me.
It was my birthday last week, and we all went out except for Joe and Daisy, and they clubbed together and got me a Kindle, i read the first book in 8 hours!, we went to the caravan for two nights and even though it rained almost all the time it was really great to be there, really relaxing...so life is really good for me at the moment.God is good, there is only one thing which worries me and that's Mike, he is sleeping again all day and is really quiet, Eddy in prison asked Mike to go and get something for a friends daughter, which he did not want to trust to the post, so Mike travelled 5and a half hours, to get it for Him, i did warn him that after Mike came back last time he slumped into a decline, Eddy said very selfishly ' hes always stay in bed' really showing a contempt for Mike. i don't want to be right, i just want Mike to be his old self again.
I went to a meeting to pray for Isreal at a town 12 miles or so away and at the last minute the scam artist came,i was friendy enough to her, but she looked 'daggers' at me,apparently she wants an apology from me, about what i dont know, for telling the truth? but not wanting Mike treated badly and bled dry? NEVER going to happen,i care about Mike too much.

I DEPEND ON HIM

Today i am Grateful to God, because' He never leaves me or forsakes Me'!!. I have been reading my Diary, because Helen and Brian who run the Local branch of the C.M.A,( christian motorcycle association), have asked me to give my testimony at the next meeting,i have always rather Arrogantly thought that although i went to Church then, i was not really born-again, as are a lot of people who attend Church here in England. The Church of England does not say we have to be born-again to be saved,but my diary tells a very different story, when i was 15 i was really committed to God, but 'boys' got in the way, and i did not fully commit my life back to Him until i was 35,i know now that He did not leave me,but when i was bringing up my five children on my own, without any help from anyone, i really did feel alone,The Bible says He will never Leave us or forsake us', and one very Painful night He took me through every Instance of Abuse i could remember and said 'you were that frightened child,and woman,who had to depend on a father who beat you,and a Husband who beat and Raped you,but YOU WERE NEVER ALONE,I WAS ALWAYS THERE.'.Thank you Jesus.

Bringing Captive every thought

Today I am grateful to God because He is Sovereign, over our Lives and Sovereign over the World, its been an interesting week, the Biker church was inspiring as usual, led by our 'Twig', the of shoot of a Branch!, maybe we will grow to branch one day! Its up to the Lord.
My Blind friend Andre came up for a few days too,it was such a blessing to see Him, and we have spent a long time talking since then, its good to be back in full fellowship with Him,some minor problems,(Scammer trying to mess with Andre's romantic feelings, "you can give me what my husband cant"), which the Enemy meant for bad God has turned around for good, in fact i am very grateful for the 'problems'! thank you Lord! Praise Him!
Its usual for the Enemy to have a 'go' at us after the blessings we have at Biker church,the first time Sandra and I were under attack for a whole week!...God is so good to us, Hallelujah.
I have been sharing with Andre some of the lessons God has taught me recently,about bringing Captive every thought, where we could be driven to Judge others,being Angry in itself is not Sin, but it can lead us into Sin.

'Got our backs'

Today i am grateful to God, because Mike is back to his usual self!! Praise God! And Pete our old friend has been in touch, and wants to come to the next Biker church with us! I have been without T.V last night,only until later today but i got on with doing other stuff,which really does show me that i watch too much t.v,its just another excuse not to do the things i should! My Old friend Sue has been coming to clean for me, which has encouraged me too! So not very interesting news,this is probably why i don't blog every day!!! but it is good news about Mike,its going to be strange for me to be involved with a group of Christians,and be under someones authority, but i know that God has done this, so i trust Him to have me in the right place, and have my back, both Mike and i have not really had a church to call home, its almost as if the Lord has planned this!...Did He plan that Mike would get offended at his last Church and leave? Did He plan that my Ex would start to go to the church i have been to for 15yrs? No, but He knows Men's hearts and knows the outcome of every offence, and turns it round for our good" Praise Him!!

Change in Ben

Today i am grateful to God for?... almost a year of posts being' grateful,'! first of all!! next i am really really grateful that there has been a change in Ben for the better, he is eating more, three times as much, not swearing profanities at me, and is generally Happy!
 What i always forget is that He is the Barometer, every time i take a significant step nearer to God Ben improves!!...i am getting involved with the Christian Motorcyclist Association here in England, something which i have wanted to do for ages,now its happened! Praise Him.
I don't really know how He can use me in this, when i first spoke to Brian, the chairman,He said i could witness on the stands at Bike shows,and not to be 'offensive, i look the part' (biker waistcoat and Tshirt') i felt an immediate Joy in my heart, that i had a ministry!!! just like that.....God is so amazing, so this weekend God willing i am going to do the Cardboard testimony.
Mike is worrying me again, he has gone very quiet,just not himself.

'its a wonderful world'

today i am grateful to God, for the beauty of the Natural world around us, and how being in it brings His Peace to my Soul, at the caravan yesterday and to watch rabbits run around at 6.30am,the local crows, and swallows, even the bats, not this year though because they have cut the tops out of the trees where they roost.God has made us a beautiful World, in fact it was Jesus who Created this wonderful world for us to enjoy, and then we were made from the Dust, that explains the connection we have, He made us from the very Earth we walk on......Praise Him

blessing the inconsiderate Jerks

Today I am grateful to God for the Patience of the 'Saints', namely our friend Eddy, unjustly in Prison,he is an example to me.
We went to see him in Prison, quite an 'eye-opening' experience,it was a very long drive,(two and three quarter hours),and a sobering experience, to have every door locked after us,any one who reads this please pray for him,his sentence is unjust, as he has served well over his time for his original crime.(he set fire to his council house,and even the European court of Human rights has said his type of open ended sentence is unjust)
I am praying every day for my neighbours who really are inconsiderate jerks! but nothing will change if i have an unforgiving , angry, attitude to them! i am asking the Lord to save them, on Friday night i went through every person i could possibly be holding unforgiveness to, and was really surprised at the reaction to that, i felt myself being delivered of several things!! Praise God,and the best part,my reaction to sin against me would sometimes take days to get 'past', this time because it was given to Him, i have got past it already, every time unforgiving thoughts come to me, i pray blessings on both sides.....its absolutely AMAZING, the Word of God says 'to take every thought captive', and bring to God,He really does help us to deal with anger and unforgiveness!!...Praise Him

ON NOTICE.

To all the, Name callers,Punchers, shovers,abusers, rapists

YOU are on NOTICE.

We are not taking it ANY MORE.

ALL we did was love you ,...UNCONDITIONALLY.....And    forgive.

AND TO REPAY THAT LOVE??.. we had

Punches

shoves

hurt kids

YOU called us

UGLY

FAT

USELESS

bad mother

WOTHLESS

    WE DESERVED BETTER.....WE DEMAND BETTER

WE ARE TOO GOOD FOR YOU,

WE NAME YOU;
 
 WE CLAIM OUR LIVES BACK...

    OUR LIVES, NOT YOURS TO CONTROL ...OURS OURS OURS

WE BELONG TO NO-ONE, EXCEPT GOD.

NOW..

I CAN SHUT MY DOOR,and keep YOU OUT

I EAT WHEN I WANT,

I SLEEP, IN PEACE

I USE MY OWN MIND TO MAKE MY CHOICES.

I SURVIVED, NOW I CAN


                     LIVE


WE CAN BE


   MOTHERS

  GRANDMOTHERS

  LYDIA'S, THE DEBORAH'S, THAT GOD MADE US TO BE.

Old friends we missed...

Today i am really grateful to God because I was able to meet up with an old friend from years ago who has been out of fellowship with us, ( me and Mike) for 8 years, we have been praying for Him over the Years,which he said He could feel when he was sometimes at His lowest! Praise God it was really encouraging to know this...i uses to have a meeting at my house twice a week up til about 2004,sometimes we had up to 12 people, which is quite a lot for a small terraced house!!....seems a long time ago now...Praise God Pete is o.k, though not un-scathed by life, the Universe and everything!!!!....

pre...post ...or mid tribulation?

I am grateful to God today for,His Holy Spirit,how He guides us, comforts and encourages us,i am still learning about Him,and how He is an equal part of the Trinity,in a way a more Mysterious Person then the Father and the Son, their function are in Their Names,Elizabeth once said that He is the One who is left on Earth,and that He did not come until after Jesus had left because only one Part of the Holy Trinity could be on the Earth at a time,it was something to do with the end time tribulation,maybe because when Jesus returns to the mount of Olives,the Body of Christ,with The Holy Spirit, could not be here,we would have left!!.., PRE-tribulation beliefs,not sure what i believe, but like most people would not want to go through the Tribulation!!...
i did not make it to the Caravan,i don't now why really!..i have been able out sort out the garden, and finally learn how to use my new 'smart phone'....i have taken it back to the shop twice saying it was Broken!!..both times leaving feeling ridiculous because i was doing something wrong.....

Bikers church 2

Today i am grateful to God for Terry Loving,the Woman who has the Website ' Spiritual side of domestic Violence', she has done an Article about the effects on children of domestic violence,and i have shared too,very painful, she shares her life as a child going through these things.
I hope it helps others who are going through it now.
Another day of not being able to go to the caravan,the 'runs' this time....still there is always tomorrow!!
Went to the Bikers church,absolutely wonderful, really really blessed,the Holy Spirit was there, Praise Him!
I came away a bit discouraged,wondering how God can use me in the church, or to Bikers? He has a plan, just wish He would let me in on it!!!
I also felt while i was there and listening to an Old lady give some of her testimony, that i would be up there giving Mine!!! quite a shock, never really been asked for my testimony!! i have given parts of it a few times, so i have been going through it with the Lord over the past few days, even if i am never asked, it has really shown me how much i have to thank Him for!!!...

Judgemental.

Today i am grateful to God, for the many blessings He gives us, i was watching David Pawson, a Christian teacher, who was saying the God is not the loving God to all, as some people say,in fact He only LOVES the righteous, those who believe in Him, have repented and try to live right afterwards, And that those who say how could a Loving God....let humans die in horrific bomb blasts,allow child abuse,or any Innocents suffer? are in fact NOT reading the Bible properly, because tells His servants to wipe out whole races in the Old Testament....
He held up His Bible showing the front edge,'does it have finger marks right across' he said! ( which of course means that we should be reading the whole Bible and not just the New Testament, He is the same God after all, was His point, although some believers don't acknowledge that , i think i said before that a Pastor in this town speaking in a debate about Homosexuality,said that the prohibition was the old 'Mosiac Law' (Moses and the Ten commandments), as if somehow that was less Valid!... and of course we all know that Sodomy was condemned in the new testament too, in fact equated on the same level as Bestiality..
I am not one of those believers who would condemn anyone, I am a Sinner too,in fact as i have said before i knew a wonderful Lesbian called Michelle, who was more Christ like than many of the Christian i knew at the time....
The Willow tree has gone, cut right down to the ground, from being a 20-20 foot tree, overshadowing mine and the neighbours gardens,felt a bit bad about it, but as my garden is only 15 feet wide, and about 30 feet long it was unmanageable, i can get the rest of it cleared now,exciting!
I am hoping to make it to to Bikers church today,God willing,which is the only church i cant wait for, i have to force myself to go to any other church, although the Bible does not say 'thou shalt attend a church every Sunday and be bored solid during a 'sermon', It does say in fact, 'do not neglect the GATHERING together' which i don't, and to be Honest i don't really believe in the modern model of church, after reading the excellent book by Bob Tench,called i think, 'Gods City',
He talks about a Man not unlike Pilgrims progress, who is looking for the City of God, Abraham did too if i remember correctly,He finds what He at first considers to be Gods City, but feels unsatisfied,so goes on in His journey.Bobs point being of course that we are never really satisfied in 'Churchianity' if we are seeking God,He even goes on to say, we cant find God there, because He isn't there!!!...
He believes that the true model of church is as the early church was, meeting in homes, everyone feeling free to share,'one would bring a Psalm,one a word', and 'a little child shall lead them' most kids are separated, from the main body of people,He says that when the Emperor Constantine,became a believer, He kicked out the Pagans, and the temples were handed over to the Believers,so church became the same set out as school, and only one person can contribute.
Of course i have had some bad experiences in Church, so anyone reading this could say 'well my church isn't like that, we feel genuinely cared for by the Pastor, and our brothers and Sister, we can share our heart in the meetings',that's fine of course, but my experience is that unless you are a VERY forceful personality, who will share, despite others, (Like Mike, God bless Him)!!! we come away from church , not feeling like its satisfying,and our need to share too not met.

More Patience please

Today i am grateful to God because He gives me the ability to deal with difficult people,to have patience,and although sometimes these annoying people do try my patience and i bite back, He still forgives me!
i had a rather disturbing dream about my Ex last night, despite trying to think the other day that i hardly ever dreamt about him,!! i was doing various things surrounded by a group of people who were physically very close to me and someone was touching my thigh area,but so many people were pressed up against me, that i did not notice, but later i knew it was him, he was getting closer in each part of the dream until he was almost in my face,he had started being very unobtrusive,until i shouted at him to get away,i was not scared or even annoyed by him, being so obvious!!!...Maybe God was telling me that he really is just not part of my life anymore,and i don't have to worry, and whatever he thinks or believes, its his problem, just because i am the object of his obsession,its not my problem!!!

Pharisee,- or ashamed of the Gospel?

Today i am grateful to God, because He died for me,He loves us so much,that's why He did it, so we don't have to pay the price for our sin,Praise Him, i had yet another sleepless night, the night before last,seems it just something i have to put up with, part of life i guess!!I was reading last night from MATHEW 22.Jesus was talking about the Pharisees, and how they put burdens on others,yet not on themselves, the part which stood out most to me was where He condemns the 'scribes and Pharisees', i was just wondering who the modern day Pharisees were, Pharisees were Priests in Biblical times,i suppose its too easy to point the finger at church leaders, and some do seem keen on the letter of the LAW, and not the SPIRIT,at the time it happened i thought the Pastor who brought me to the Lord was harsh to keep the the BIBLE STRICTLY, ,but now i would do the same!! as far as I can anyway,at the time i would have thought of him as a Pharisee....and yet i have been to churches where the 'difficult' and challenging, things where not talked about, Hell,etc, in fact i even heard the Pastor say 'oh, that's from the old Mosaic law' as if it wasn't relevant!!!

green gardens

Today i am Grateful to God because, He is good,ALL THE TIME,Praise Him!!!this week i have lost my temper, had an elderly driver almost run into me, and if i had not braked she would have, she raised he r hand to say 'thanks, for letting me in'.!!!!......very strange!!, another elderly driver come round a traffic Island, indicating to turn first left, not turn,and stop halfway across the island....all on the same day..IF i was paranoid i would say someone was out to get me, of course I'm not,but just because you are not paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you!!!!....Life is good,i am hoping to go to another Bikers church, next Sunday,God willing,someone is coming to cut down the remainder of the Weeping Willow tree in the back Garden,seems a small thing, but it was so big that it completely shaded my garden and the neighbours too! I am hoping to be able to grow some vegetables, and have already planted some more Hollyhocks!! the wild life pond has a lot of frogspawn too so that's quite interesting, we have very good light soil, ideal growing conditions,but so many slugs and snails that everything that grows is eaten, i have to be careful where i dig though because of the various dogs,six Yorkshire Terriers buried there!!

Victim blaming and false repentence

Today i am grateful to God for,.. clarity of thought, and even though i have physical illnesses, i have a clear mind,my friend who has a mental problem has really shown me this,by observing this in his life and his crumbling relationships with others.
Although according to Ben and Joe's Dad, Jon i have not got a clear mind,am not 'right in the head',hilarious....an Abuser calling ME deficient!!!,( and of course over the last 26 years of knowing him he has said this about every Woman he has been with)!!!!!....
I have been reading a wonderful blog called 'A Cry for Justice', which Terry gave a link for on her blog,'spiritual side of domestic Violence', today they were talking about calling Good Evil, and Evil Good, and the line that most stood out to me was 'I have never seen an Abuser actually confronted with their evil' in church,Victim blaming happens, false tears of repentence are taken for true repentence.

Gods Patience with me

Today i am thankful to God,for His patience, He has endless patience! Praise Him, i wish i did, the last two posts i have done have been lost somehow,(the last part of it,) really really frustrating! yesterday i told the wonderful story of my friend Pete, the day before i was talking about how God loves us, and all the 'hidden' people, the battered women, single mothers , and how much He loves all of us and how He sees all they suffer in silence....Praise the Lord, for He is good.When this starts working better i will share them again.

my cup runeth over.

Today i am grateful to God because He loves Me all the time even when i mess up, and being a parent myself, (and although i love my children all the time) i get very exasperated when they make the same mistakes ,!!!...all my family is doing well, they are all happy too,including my Dad,who i try to talk to regularily.God is good...ALL THE TIME!!....

The Great 'I AM'

Today i am Grateful to God because He IS the great 'I AM'.......ALL POWERFUL, ALL KNOWING,loving Father.The real I AM.... (MY my Mum used to say that my Dad thought of himself as this!!!... I had no idea what it meant at all until i became a Christian!)
God is good...all the time! Praise Him.

life and other crap

Today i am grateful to God for.........what, so tired i have to really search for that....sorry Lord,...i am grateful to Him for His protection of us, Sandra and i have had to 'pay the Piper' for the blessing we had the other day, shes been ill, and i have had a hard time too, we prayed this morning, and asked for His protection, and for the enemy's onslaught to stop, and as it says in the Word of God,'if a child asks for bread, we don't get a stone!..Praise Him!

Biker Church

Today i am grateful to God for Biker Church, the place i WANTED to go, and the place i didn't want to go,i didn't have to,it was a real blessing to me,i felt really at home there,amongst all the leather and denim! halleljah1, i have always said i would rather go into a room filled with Hells angels than a church,!!( because the angels are less judgemental)!!God listened and took me for my word!!.....so blessed,i think maybe this will be the Ministry God has for me,i am willing,if that's what He wants for me,Praise God!!!...

where I want to go, and where I DONT!!..

Today I am grateful to God for.....Rising from the dead, He is risen!,He is risen indeed! i got out to church last night,very nice, to be with others on the most important day in the christian calender,i found it hard to concentrate, on what was being said, did not pray out loud, or really listen to what the Pastor said, but i got out of the house...!!!Praise Him.
Darren was going to come, but was overcome in the end by nerves, he was only doing it to please Barbara and Edwin,maybe God wants it to come from him? There are a few things i wanted to talk about but i feel a check in my spirit, almost if i admit certain things bother me he will have an advantage over me!!.....(there are places i want to go over the next week, and places i don't want to go! but its about where God wants me to go! )
 If he stops pushing you one way,watch out cos he wants you to go another way!....I have prayed with Sandra that He will make it clear what he wants me to do, in the next few days, so God knows, the enemy doesn't need to!!!

Wolves, and wild dogs

Today i am grateful for His love for us! praise Him.
The Enemy of our souls, the Father of lies has been trying to take his revenge on me and those i care about in the last few days,My Master loves me and Mine, The Father of lies does not love his followers, he hates them,as they hate him.
It is really a shame that he uses believers to try to drag us down, as Marion and I used to talk,about the enemy is like a wolf in a pack, they nip at the heels to bring down the prey, they are not strong enough to mount a full frontal attack,  they work together, in his whispering campaign, trying to do his work by lies and manipulation of the elderly and Vulnerable.
Its my own fault,i have been the only one to be truthful about this,and speak out,everyone else just whispers behind their hands!...set myself up as a target!!....
I once asked Pastor from Africa, Pastor Dennis, why most of the attacks on us come from those who claim to be Christian, he said ' in Africa the wild dogs don't chase stationary cars, only the moving ones' very profound but so true...of course our brothers and sisters are not 'dogs', because God being no respecter of persons, loves them too,we should be very careful not to judge or hate others, any, even non-Christians, because God loves them.

sectioned

Today i am grateful to God for keeping Mike safe, i have been ill and have not seen much of him in the last few days, i have been ringing his house to find out how he is, someone eventually answered, his friend Eddie and said they had found the house empty with the front door wide open, very worrying, but i rang his friend Nicky who usually sorts stuff out for him when he is ill, and she had heard from the Authorities that he was safe but not in hospital yet,although they are going to section him,(section three of the mental health act) which here in U.k means compulsory hospital admission, so he is safe,Praise God.

lack of sleep

Today i am grateful to God for His care and love for me and my children,i am worried about Mike he has not been sleeping,its never a good sign, he may end up in hospital soon. I got a bit worked up yesterday about the Ex-husband, and emailed Terry, from 'spitual side of domestic violence', as always her advice is very helpful,she is such a blessing to me,God has given her a wonderful ministries.

Answers to prayer

Today i am grateful to God for restored relationships, and a busy time praying! It can get a bit much having prayer meeting at my house every day, so will probably just have one every other day! we have had some great answers to Prayer,my back was hurting and that got better, we are still praying for a few things, like a wonderful Christian lady who has cancer, and is in a Hospice.
We went to a wonderful meeting where we were praying for world events, its amazing to be in the company of 'like minded' believers, one of the women even rang Mike to remind him there was a meeting at the weekend,we have no Idea how she got his number!..
One slight annoyance is that after not going to Mikes for at least 6months, never even seeing him in that time,and previously refusing to do any decorating for Him, the Ex has volunteered to decorated his whole house!!.....I WONDER WHY.....so sad he never gives up...

forgiveness, and scam artists

Today i am grateful to God for restored relationships, i said sorry to Mike for calling him a 'mug', and it was just as if there had been no time between us, we talked as we always do! Andre said we will have to 'work', on the whole business of not going to Mikes house,i am not sure what He means!!!...but it wont happen,i am still a bit annoyed with Mike, for letting the Ex in, knowing everything that's happened,I love the fact that he can come round here and we can Pray, we are going to go to the Glory meetings too,he will want to bring the Ex,so i guess i will have to go on a different day......he talked a lot about the 'scam'artist, i have to go along with it, i don't know if he thinks he has changed my mind about her!!!.....

Never leaves us, or forsakes us

Today i am grateful to God for answered prayer! Hallelujah He never lets us down.Praise Him,i was having a bad day with Ben on Sunday, Elizabeth rang and i asked he to Pray, much better day yesterday!!!

Lack of Prayer, and witnessing

Today i am grateful to God for His Peace, i fail Him every day,i still tend to think to lie first in difficult situations,i cant get past that part of the old 'man' (nature),why do i do that? as a child i don't think i lied,very strange.I will ask God for help.
I have been reading the book '23 minutes in Hell', very interesting, and convicting,its written by Bill Wiese,who had been a believer for many years when he had this experience.Its a terrifying book, its too easy to forget that EVERYONE we know (who is not born again )will end up there, our loved ones , my own children, my Dad, my Sister. I was at a prayer meeting years ago and someone was given a Vision of the Pit, and people being dragged down into it,for lack of Prayer, witnessing by those who do know 'better',....Me.
I pray every Night for my children to be saved,even though God has promised they would be,probably every day for 15years, i only Prayed for two years for the Ex to be saved, before he made a commitment of sorts, i have got into trouble a few times for claiming he was not truly Born again,and was lying about it. Maybe he has got the message that we are not getting back together whatever he does!!!
I am not supposed to Judge anyone,i hope he is or gets Saved,but it wont make any difference to me either way.

The best one,116kg and counting...down

Today i am grateful to God for,feeling better,more like myself, i don't feel inclined to blame the Enemy for my own shortcomings, not reading the Bible or praying have been the reason for the bad stuff,the Enemy is always waiting for us to fail, like a prowling Lion,but cant blame the Enemy, i got out of His protection by my own Sin,He has not punished me!!! i have done it all to myself!!..
As the world says 's**t happens',we don't live a perfect life even if we don't Sin, as much as the un-saved, loved ones die, we get ill,Adam and Eve brought the knowledge of good and evil into the World, it was not His design for us, he made us to live forever in the Garden, we chose not to.
The good news this week for me, is that i have lost 2kilos in 16days, i am going to see a nurse every two weeks,in the govt, help2 slim,programme.i lost i kg in the first fortnight, since 18th January i have lost 3kg in just over 5 weeks, i started at 119kg,( 18.10 stone). I am the best one in the programme the Nurse said!!!

down but not out

Today i am grateful to God for,....a sunny day.i know its not much, and i am sorry but it does not inspire me with zest for life or hope for the future!!!.. its been 17 days since my last post, and i suppose because of what i last wrote here, about salvation, heaven, hell, and other biblical Truths! The enemy of our souls was not happy, and it has been one crisis after another.....literally just after i wrote the last entry, it started,8.am, i had a panicked text from Joe, the Landlord had walked into their bedroom and told them to move out that day,i gave him money to let them stay another week,arranged for them to have a place across the road from me, all they had to do was get themselves together with their documents,i.d's and the place would have been theirs,they just had a massive row. i helped them move out,on the next Friday and Saturday, the girls helped,so did Ben, and their Dad, Jon, the only ones who didn't were Joe and Daisy!!!,she was yelling and screaming, he was trying to calm her down, while i had to endure a day and a half of their Dad,lying about how upset he was "they had lost the house and how he had tried so hard to stop it happening",actually if Jon had payed the RENT that would have stopped it....he dodged that!  he was given the rent by the local authority......
Joe decided he wanted to go to Scotland to stay with Daisy's Mum, demanded the money from me,when he could not get it i had some nasty texts saying i needed to be a 'grown up' about this!!!,they got the money from His grandad,who was terrified they would do something desperate to get it.They cant afford to go on holiday with their friends because they are broke from bailing out their Son, Jon, over the years, i cant have any respect for ANYONE who takes money from pensioners,or those on benefits, even my own flesh and blood.
On Friday i had some chest pains, spent the whole day in hospital, they found that i hadn't had a heart attack, but the electrical impulses of my heart are misfiring, so i am waiting to see the doctor next week,i have felt really ill all week,So the Enemy has won, for a while, but NEVER FOR EVER,God is on my side,i am a very bad child to Him,i may abandon Him when i suffer, but He never abandons me!
Praise You Lord.

Salvation

Today i am grateful to God for the Salvation He gives me,My God died for me, no other religion or Faiths can say that!..

So my subject today is Salvation, i want to explain what it means to me and what i understand it to be,we are all sinners, which mean we deserve to go to Hell,in the old testament animals were killed to atone, or pay for the sin of the People,they had to use a perfect spotless beast to Kill,(the phrase Scapegoat comes from this,one was killed for sin and the other was allowed to go free, escape.)
Because Jesus lived but never sinned He was called the Lamb of God, a perfect sinless sacrifice.
When Jesus gave up His life willingly, He paid the Price for us all, so we don't have to, He paid it for us.
That is the basic Biblical view,how it is explained.

Its a shame but the unsaved believe that they will go to Heaven, and their unsaved family are there waiting for them,its not what the Bible says, even those who believe in God do not automatically go there,everyone who goes there must be saved, born again, this is what the Bible says,just because some one thinks they are good, does not qualify them for Heaven.
Of course not every one who calls themselves Christian believes that, the Catholic church tells its followers the just by attending the church you are guaranteed entry to Heaven!, its a lie,but they believe that a Man, the Pope,is the final Authority on everything, not the Bible, its very sad,millions will go to a lost eternity.

Holy Spirit

Today i am grateful to God for the Parents He chose to give me,we have had our bad moments,all relationships do,but i try to honour them,when i was a child they were unhappy,and did things i am sure they regretted,as i have with my own children.Thank God for them.
I want to share my ' Core belief ' in the Holy Spirit today,He is one part of the Trinity,the other two maybe have more obvious roles, it in Their Names,the Father, and the Son.The Holy Spirit of God's name is not a function on first appearance,but He is the Presence of Both the Others on the Earth,the others are in Heaven,I am not sure exactly how He works,it says in Genesis the Spirt of God brooded over the Earth,maybe the Earth is His territory?
When i took a miss turn in Wales and came across a house way off the main road, a woman came out of her house,she was wearing a Pentagram around her Neck,i knew what she was, she knew what I was,i could see it in her reaction to me,was it the Holy Spirit she saw in Me, i do know that even now 12 years later i feel a very  evil feeling coming from the direction of Her house when we are on the Beach nearby,i even felt to remove my footprints once on the same beach, i don't know why.
The most important thing  i want to say about The Holy SPIRIT is that He is a He, not an 'it' as some People call Him. He is the Third Person of the Trinity.

The Sword

today i am grateful to God for, my home, be it ever so humble.....

Today i want to talk about some more of my Core beliefs,I believe the Bible is true, and the Word of God,i don't believe any Religion of Man supersedes that, to me it is 'Sola Scriptorium', by Scripture alone.to me the Bible is the 'manufactuers handbook',not a dead thing full of 'thou shalt nots' ,but a positive insight on how to live and Love those around us, it says after all that 'God is Love'.! There are examples of Love, between a man and a woman,(song of Solomon), How Murders repented,(King David),and Moses! betrayal, Judas, fear, Peter.
God has given us such a wonderful blessing,as a friend of Mine said  ..'the Bible may be the biggest best seller in the world, but probable the most unread', sitting on dusty shelves here in the West, and yet in other countries where Bibles are forbidden, China for instance,where Bibles have to be smuggled in,they are so hungry for Gods word that they share out pages, and memorise each one.it makes me ashamed when i don't even read mine every day, and as i look at mine on the shelf now, i think of my Brothers and sisters who are Forbidden, but so Brave...

Heaven

Today I am grateful to God for my wonderful children,and despite my bad choices in the Past the Lord has kept them safe and secure, this was highlighted yesterday when an 18yr old,who i know who has been brought up in Care took an overdose,the poor child has suffered so much already in her short life.I am asking God to protect her too.

Today my core belief is Heaven,as i said when i talked about Hell, the good place is not full of good people, the bad place is not full of bad people,Heaven is full of people who have said sorry, Hell is full of people who have not,mostly who thought they were good because they have 'never killed anyone'.
The only requirement to either place is whether we are born again or not! that's the ONLY qualification!
God has shown me glimpses of Heaven,a week after Mike died,it seemed like a long rolling plain,green and beautiful,when i nearly died from and Asthma attack at 19, i was stopped from going in there, but i could see it was like a wonderfully green  place with streams,He made us to live in a garden after all!
Never seen any pearly gates, or streets of Gold! or Saints marching In! I do know that Heaven is lit by the Wonderful light that comes from the Throne,but its just not light only, the Light itself is Love,an all compassing Love, in which I felt like a dirty Rag,its total acceptance,forgiveness and Comfort, something like a child in Fathers arms!
Please don't miss out on going there, if you are not Born-again,ask Him to come into your heart, and say sorry for you past Mistakes.

Andre, and Mike

Today i am grateful to God for the ability to go through change in Life,and the Knowledge that He is in control! God is so good to us, even though i still sin,He forgives,My friend Andre, who is blind was hoping to visit but Mike made an excuse why he could not stay with him,Andre was hoping to try to mediate between us, but it looks like Mike does not want that. Very sad.

HELL

Today i am grateful to God for the truth of His word, the Bible,and the blessing it is to me every time i open it, Praise Him
Today the core belief i have is Hell, i had planned to talk about something else, but i think God wants me to talk about this very difficult and painful subject,i have been close to death quite a few times, and have had visions of Hell, its real place, real people are there, suffering in the fire that is never quenched.
Before i was saved i thought of Hell as the place where people partied all the time, i just laughed at the idea of eternal punishment, but just because i didn't believe in it did not stop it being real!
I saw hideous monsters, tormenting,beating, eating the flesh of those there,massive caverns full of pools of fire, souls trying to escape and being pushed back in by evil creatures, some with great horns,bodies of animals, like red scaly bodies, some looked like huge crabs, scorpions,huge bulbous bodies.They laughed as they did it, saying 'you deserve to be here' they hated human beings,every cruel evil weapon was used.,no-one was spared their spite.Flesh grew back on bones,only to be scorched and burned off again.
I am glad i will never return there,i have had visions of Heaven too.I will talk about that too, later on.
When i was in hospital, in Intensive care,with a life threatening Asthma attack,i was pregnant with my oldest son, about 8 wks. I remember drifting off into unconsciousness, every time i did i was running in a race for my life, i always just made it,i woke up and asked the nurse not to let me go back,'go where?' she asked.I worked out afterwards that there were five of these races, as if i was running these almost impossible races for each of my children!!! I was being chased by Monsters in the races,which i saw later in Hell, why did God allow this, i was a Christian, but not born again?
I am a lazy person, was God saying 'i would have to fight hard for my Kids later on? In the book the 'T he Horse and His boy' by C.S.Lewis,there is a part at the end where someone is chased by a Lion,it must be the Horse, who runs as fast as he could,but then goes into higher gear, faster than he ever thought he could go,and a wise person says to him,' you were going as fast as YOU THOUGHT you could go, NOT AS FAST AS YOU COULD GO!..and of course we know who the Lion is in those books... maybe God knew i would not fight hard for my life,but i would for the baby inside, and the others to come! It was a very unpleasant experience,one of the worst ever i have had.
Hell is not separation from God, as some believe, the Bible says it is a real Place,in the centre of the Earth, dont go there, cry out to God now,ask Him to forgive the bad stuff you have done,and ask Him into your life, He will never let you down.

Collagen,soap, and make up.

Today i am grateful to God for His love and care for me a wretched sinner.
I believe that Abortion and Euthanasia are wrong,i beleive the Bible is against them to, the Lord was very much against child sacrifice in the Old Testament,and even though the victims of abortion are not born yet, they are still Human beings,here in U.K there has been a lot in the press about a 'Care' pathway, which infact far from care is a plan to let People die,God decides when people die,and just because people are inconvienient, they should not die.
To me its seems no difference to what the Nazis did to Jews, mentally handicapped people, or Gypsys in the Concentration camps, in the 1940's. There is a holocaust, shoah, of the Unborn in the world now,the  blood lust of the Enemy, unborn babys are used in make up, soap,vaccinations,Collagen used for so called beauty is made from their bodies, anyone who doubts this should look on Wikipedia,type in collagen. Its so disgusting.

dreams and interpretations

Today I am grateful to God for my dream life,very strange sometimes!...i have been looking at some dream interpretation websites, christian ones, a woman called Mia said not to look at dream symbol interpretations because a symbol will be meant for individuals, so just Pray and ask for the Interpretation ourselves. I do have some idea about others dreams,but my own are a Mystery most of the time!

Yesterday i dreamt i was lifted in the air, a man dressed in white with dark curly hair was holding me,he had a large white collar,a loop round his neck, he tucked me under it, i was pulling my children in to hold onto him too,until he was holding all of us, we were under the white looping collar type thing too.Still in the air.I felt no fear, or anxiety.I did not know the Man,but felt safe.

I think the man was an Angel, or Jesus,in the End times it says we will be 'caught up in the air',i couldn't see my kids faces,but it was them. The Collar, loop thing? was it the 'Mantle', like Elijah and Elisha,which he passed on? It grew in size.
The man who brought me to the Lord,Frank, did a song in which he said his children were cuddling their Mum, she was like a tree with the kids like vines around her,she had eight children!,that was like me in the dream.
I think the dream i had about the car in a green field had an interpretation from Sandra's friend,cant remember what though!!....its seems more to me now that it was significant that I had plans for this field,i never asked God what He wanted!! its so typical He gives us a gift, and we rush ahead and do what we think is the right thing.....all the plans i had,in the end it was the beautiful calming grass and peace which i wanted to destroy!!!.. its so simple, God want us to enjoy His world,the beauty He made for us,and we run around ignoring it!!...
'He maketh me to lie down in green pastures'
There were other people there, who told me i owned the pasture,i did not resent them being there,i think there was some sort of club going on, that's why they parked there....are these the people who told me not to allow the Enemy to win?
 Terry said yesterday in a reply to a post i put on her website, spiritual side of domestic violence,that my Ex must be driven by a demon, devil, to stalk me, cant remember her exact words,but the Lord is showing me the truth of this slowly.She is definitely one who encourages me, i go to her website a lot,its good to go to the worldly people sometimes, but i do thank God for Sisters in Him who He uses too speak into my life,God bless Her.

Core beliefs

Today i am grateful to God because He is Good,it is interesting that we all have the same set of core beliefs. He is impressing on me that i should lay out my beliefs in this blog

Pray for the little things,and BIG

Today i am grateful to God for answers to prayers,little small desperate prayers,i asked Him to help me Park the car, the windows were all iced up and i could not really see out of the back windows, i did it the first time! was shocked, couldn't really believe it!!..and ye last week i went backwards and forwards at least 7 times in perfectly clear conditions, overshooting, and ending up hitting the edge of the pavement, the only difference between the two times was PRAYER!....so today's lesson, the holy Spirit has taught me is,Pray, Pray, pray...

The Lamb upon the Throne

Today i am grateful to God for the restored relationship with my Earthly Father, and with my heavenly Father, God is so good to me,better than i deserve! i really don't know what has been going on with me the last few months but i have not been able to read the Bible and my Prayer life was non existent, my good friend Eddy sent me a booklet about forgiveness, which annoyed me at first but i realise i must not be closed minded, and should be open to other believers to be able to speak into my life if they think i need it, i have known a few believers who are unteachable , and will take no advice on their walk with the Lord,in fact who get offended and regard it as criticism! Lord please save me from being closed to Your prompting through those i trust.
So yesterday i was given another chorus,'All Heaven declares', another wonderful old praise song! Thank you Lord.

waking up Praising!!..

Today i am Grateful for waking up Praising God, so wonderful, i was signing a chorus, which i just knew the tune for and later the words came!, when i looked it up it was called 'All Hail the Lamb,enthroned on High,His praise shall be our Battle cry,He reigns Victorious, forever glorious, His name is Jesus, He is the Lord'
So i did not turn on T.v,just sat praising Him, wonderful!!!..,at night i have been Praying for a while thanking Him for rejoicing over us with signing when we sleep, when we wake we should return the Praise to Him, today is the first time that has happened, so wonderful! Praise Him! Hallelujah

Freedom in Christ

Today i am grateful to God for wonderful fellowship with other Christians,God is so good to me, even when i locked myself away from the World, He just waits patiently until i am ready, and blesses me through others.I went to a Prayer for the Nation meeting, at an old friends new house, over twenty people, and they had a party afterwards,which i was invited to, Ben was happy at Nathans house,It was very successful for my first tentative step into the Christian world. hallelujah!!!