Four generations.

She is here safely, on my Mum's birthday! and her second name is going to be Elizabeth! which was my Mum's name, so there is an Elizabeth in every generation, my sisters daughter is Elizabeth, but usually called Lizzie,and the new baby,my name is a derivative of Elizabeth,so that makes four Generations! Praise God for He is good!and Tashies second Name is Lysbet,after my mum,whose Dad always called her that, and Joe's little girl is called Ellie after me, but really after my Mum!
Even more great family news, which i can't share yet, but this is turning out to be the best Christmas EVER!

New Grandchild nearly here!

Tash is in Amsterdam for Christmas,and i am here waiting for news about my fourth Grandchild,They started to induce the Baby this morning, so will be Praying, and have been for a few weeks now,all my Grandchildren are covered by the Covenant i made with the Lord years ago, so i am depending on Him to keep them all safe! Praise God,ANYONE who reads this should know that they to can turn to God,no-one is EVER too bad to be forgiven, God sees you, and knows your Heart, He knows you want a new Life, because you are so sick of your life now,He can and does change us, but we need to be willing to turn to Him, he knows we are sorry for all the bad stuff we have ALL DONE,He is waiting full of Love and care for us! please turn to Him!

Pastor Emmanuel.

Well its almost Christmas! a time of year i am not fond of,as my brother died on Christmas day, 1978.its been a bit boring here, not much has been happening,Andre rang up last week and asked what had happened between me and Mike, i told him and being the peacemaker he is he said he wants to fix it, when they come in January,for us to meet and hash it all out,but i soon put a stop to that!
Mike has decided to have Howard in his life and not me, i still care about him as a brother in the Lord, and forgive completely but of course i am not going to be around Mike on my own because he has been verbally aggressive towards me, and i am scared of him...very sad but its his choice.
I have been supporting a Pastor in Zimbabwe for about 15 years, and that seems to be coming to an end now, as the Pastor has been refusing to give us any information or items for prayer, despite promising to since October, its all very strange, but i know the Lord is in it, My friends Andrew and Lexie have also been sending money, with their Prayer group of Pensioners,none of them under 70!
I feel a bit sad and guilty about it, but its not much to ask, he could send updates from his friends, his country has been struggling for a while, and he may be worried about sending information which could get him in trouble if his government found out...

....., the whole....., and nothing but the .....

I am making an effort to study the Bible more,( previously i was only reading it two to three times a week, and i am sorry to say,struggling to do even that, which as i have said before is so wrong because the Lord blesses me every time i do,as He does with all His children.)The Word,(Bible) is a "living" book, so full of life and blessing to us, its the manufacturers handbook,the Fathers Love letter to us, a guide for our Lives, and is How God the Holy Spirit speaks to us, it how we learn about Him.
Yesterday it was Ephesians 6, a passage i usually rush through because i feel i know it so well!..Yesterday i was struck by the various items of Armour and how the are so significant to us,first its the Belt of Truth, which goes round the middle of us, around our very core!Jesus said He is "the Way the Truth and the Life" and also "the Truth will set you free",yesterday it struck me that by putting on the belt of Truth first, we are saying to the world, the Enemy that our Faith is true, THE TRUTH,we may be mocked by the World, by People, but when His Love is shown to people who don't believe, it stuns them, the cant fail to be drawn in,"what is so different about these people", but its not US! its the iresistable Love of God, which HE chooses to show through us flawed Humans sometimes!
Going back to how the belt surrounds us, we are within it, its like it says in the Bible,about the Hedge of protection, we are surrounded by His Truth, we Love the Truth,which is not just a meaningless word but a Person,as C.S.LEWIS, says we are confronted not by an argument which demands out agreement, but by a Person, who demands nothing from us, but we cant help but Love Him.

New Stalking Laws, and woman's bravery

I was so excited when i heard today that a government minister Amber Judd, has brought in a new amendment to the stalking law,giving Police the Power to take action when a person reports Stalking, until i read that it is only about stranger stalking,which leaves out all those being stalked by and Ex-husband boyfriend or girlfriend.
Parliament is talking about violence towards women and another female M.P. very bravely spoke out about being Raped as a 14 year old girl, by a family friend.Its an interesting time in the media here in England at the moment, as Footballers have spoken out about being abused as Kids by people who were trusted to take care of them...

FORGIVING

I have been feeling rotten for the last week, i thought at first it was because i was struggling with some obsessive thoughts, but i just pray in tongues when they come and God takes it away! Praise Him!..its the same when i have trouble forgiving, or the Enemy brings up bad memories from the past,instead of taking three days to get over it, and the "runs", its gone in a day if i just address it and ask God for help, by specifically forgiving that person out loud...again...and again..God has endless patience with me, thank goodness!!

Biter bitten,once bitten twice shy...cant think of enough sayings with 'bitten' in!!!

Oh dear i cant stop laughing Jon's been bitten by Joe's dog, i know i am a terrible Christian and shouldn't enjoy this so much!! but i texted Joe and Daisy and said i would have loved to be a fly on the wall when it happened!! i even said that 'he would have to take anti-biotics, in case he caught something ....from Jon!!' well i thought it was funny!!
This has cheered me up so much!!

'Feminazis' and nice sympathetic woman...

I have been reading some opinions by Feminists,most of them say that women are 'conditioned' to be subservient to men, which is all very well, but we know that most women are brought up by other women so where does that leave us! they believe that women are born like that but have it instilled into them in some way, but then believe that its men's nature to be 'dominant'..but i don't believe that,i know that God has made me into a 'nice sympathetic women'(Mikes words not mine!)
God has given us women that nature, how could we be mothers and grandmothers without it, the Human race would not survive, because women would not want to rear children!
I am the Prayer secretary for the local branch of the Christian Motorcyclist association,today i forwarded the prayer request from Colin the Pastor, who does the Biker church in Warrington,he was asking for Prayer for Helen and Brian,i forwarded it all to everyone i could think of,with tears pouring down my face,and then was going to go on Facebook to ask the C.M.A in South Africa, Australia,but i know that God knows my desire for Helen to be healed, here on earth,i don't cling to His Promise to heal her, i let emotion get the better of me!i suppose its o.k to cry about what they are going through,but i'm not crying about that!, i am crying because i don't want her to die, which is against what i believe that God has said!!
So i am full of contradictions!...hypocrisy really!!i still doubt God!! I have never been in this situation before,with a friend who is so ill, and i don't know how to handle it, i want to be there for them both,which i cant be because of my responsibilities,i am good friends with them both, i thought close friends, but not close enough to be going through this with them, but Di, the chairwoman of the Branch has said that they have a lot of support,although Brian did say he had no-one to talk to..but maybe he meant in a womanly sense of a female to share with, but Helen can still communicate with her I-Pad, but maybe he feels he has to be strong for her...
I feel i am letting everyone down..and i don't know what to do about it...

Helen's Testimony

I haven't posted for nine days! and to be honest i don't really have much to say! i have been going through a bad period, i have been upset about Helen, so i have shut myself away for a while, i didn't sleep much on Saturday night so i missed Helen's testimony via her Ipad which speaks for her! a bit annoying....but i wasn't really fit enough to drive! so i am beck to my usual self now, with energy and the inclination to sort out the house!
I have not heard from Mike for two weeks now, but i don't really want to talk about him today, that's all over!(except that i think i may have to sell the Trike, i don't know why i am keeping it! i have had it two and half years now, never learnt to ride it!
So that's been my life for the last few weeks, except i have found out that Ben is really really good at sports! a total shock, he beat the coach at Hurling the first game he tried, in fact anything with Hand-eye co-ordination! a shock!
Well my plans to go out today have been scuppered! Ben didn't get up until 12.30pm and being the sort of early morning person i am i cant be bothered to go out later, and i have tooth ache, and the medicine i take means i cant drive,but this setback has not brought me down! I was going to go to an anti stalking event in London today, but i couldn't afford the train fare..so not going..i wasn't sure i was supposed to go, if God wanted me to go!

Still waiting for healing for Helen

Helen choked on Friday night and just as Brian was dialing the paramedics it cleared.....poor Brian so much for him to cope with, and poor Helen,who is still in there, all the info on motor neuron disease say that the Brain is not affected...it seems so cruel...and like Forrest Gump that's all i want to say about that...
Helen is a wonderful kind loving person, the Holy Spirit just shines right out of her,, i love her so much,she is the ideal Christian woman, someone so much to look up too,i have never heard her say a nasty thing about anyone... Its so awful to see her going through this..i still cry every day, i am typing this now with tears running down my cheeks...Phil their son said on Facebook that he longs to hear her say 'cup of tea love?'just an ordinary thing she has probably said thousands of times to him,he misses her voice.
I have put my favourite video on face book, its just a few seconds long, Helen dancing at a show, it was run by Christain churches who all got together to show the church off to the local community,she is dancing to 'just want to praise you' by Mary Mary,cant hear her voice but she seems so full of life, and so happy.
I haven't given up hope that She will be healed, i believe God has given me that promise.. I am too upset to write anymore

scoring points

Its nice to be home after that very short break! There is definitely something refreshing about sea air, it invigorates!! i have been feeling a lot better generally since then and am starting to take an interest in the house and thinking about what to do to make it better, to look better anyway. Helen is getting more tired and not really able to join in the c.m.a.Its so sad and i have to rebuke myself when i get sad, because i know she is going to be healed. God is good all the time!..
Ben has started back on his medicine which the doctor thought he should take after the overdose..Mike hasn't rung since saturday, which is good.I am going through a very lean period and have had to borrow money from Darren, i couldn't really afford to go to the caravan, but there were only a few days left until the site closed for the winter.
Mike did ring later today,(friday), just to say the cheque i gave him bounced,so i started to say,"oh i am sorry about that, i will.." had only got those few words out when he interupts with"DONT WORRY about it" very loudly and patronisingly, implying that i was panicking over it...so i interupt him back, loudly,"i wasn't worried about it, i will bring the cash round on monday"
It is like he is trying to score points off me every time he rings me,to loudly dominate every conversation,to tell me what to do! and if i don't comply he brings in things i have shared with him, personal stuff to criticize me about..its as if every conversation i have with him is planned to wind me up and upset me!! really odd! it doesn't work though but why is he doing it?!! very strange!!..

Mike and mysogyny

I have found out that 99% of the views on this blog are from porn sites! well the servers they use to access it anyway! but one useful thing has come from that,i have found out that the Broadband sheild was not 24 hours a day which i had asked for, but could be accessed after 9.pm, of course i have had a backlash from the Enemy after i have blocked it completely!i.e light bulbs turning on and off,cups swinging on their hooks when no one has been near them!
Of course i could blame Nathan, my son who set it up for me, i am pretty sure i wanted all the porn completely blocked,but its so long since it was set up that i cant be sure, in the end it is my responsibility to check!
We has a nice few days at the caravan,as its been unseasonably warm weather this october .
Mike has rung a few times but i have just given him one word non commital answers,and of course it has brought it all home to me how much i have put up from people over the years,but i feel happy that i dont do that now, with the Lords help, i hate to give up on people, and i really do everything i can not too..but sometimes it has to be done, and i am sorry to even have to say this, but illness,mental handicap,or controlling mysogyny are never an excuse to treat another person badly.

Cactus

Yesterday i got in the last of the houseplants from outside, where i put them for the summer,i have a very large Yucca plant,a Swiss cheese plant which i grew from a cutting from my Mums plant,a very large columnar cactus which i bought because i let the one i had grown from seed in the 80's to get frosted in one of the minus 8 temperature drops a few years ago.I had built a lean-to where i kept all of the plants,and it was right against the wall,so i didn't think that it would be affected, i was so sad because it was taller than me and in a pot i made at college...
Its another frustrating day for me, i wanted to go to the caravan today,but as usual Ben is not up in time and as it takes quite a long time to get there there will not be enough daylight left to go....i have hardly got any food in the house as i have been trying to go for about a week now.I have managed to scrape some food together today, but there is nothing left for tomorrow so hopefully it will mean i have to go tomorrow!
Mike has rung me up twice over the last few days... i sent him some money to cover the money he has spent fixing the tank, i have offered to pay for parking the Trike on his drive, which he refused to accept,he is trying to be friendly but i really do not want to be friends with him, i know it is not his fault as he has a mental condition, but i refuse to be intimidated or have veiled implications, he has had many other friends, but two of them in particular, he targeted like me,and not when he was ill, neither of them are his friends now....it is sad but unavoidable..

DISASTER

It is the anniversary today of the Aberfan disaster,its 50 years,somebody, Ruth has put a picture of facebook so people can remember...Ben's dad Jon was born there,after the disaster Sheila his Mum waved at her friend the day before and said 'i will visit you tomorrow', she was pregnant and her friend had just had a new baby,the next day her friends house was buried, she and her baby both gone....it was very overwhelming as a young mum myself to sit with His family during the 30 year anniversary, watching a t.v program about the disaster, with Ben and Joe's great Granddad, Grandpa George, sitting in the corner, not wanting to see, the people on t.v were all known to Jon's parents, whose family was on of the only ones who ever left Aberfan.
I knew nothing about the disaster, except for the name,because my Mum shielded it from me,i was eight at the time, the age of a lot of the children who died,and i was just thinking about where i was living when it happened,we were living in Belfast, northern Ireland,my sister had been born in august,i remember coming back from the hospital with her in the carrycot on the back seat of the blue Cortina estate car we had until we came to live here in Shrewsbury. We moved to Dublin soon afterwards, and that's where my Mum started to learn to drive, i remember being left in charge of Mike on a huge long beach, and the amazing novelty of my Mum driving the car to pick us up!
My Mum used to go for lessons with a driving instructor in Whitchurch which isn't far from here, in fact very close to where Lynn's Cafe is,we lived in Chester then...we cant have stayed very long anywhere because I remember Nicky going to playgroup/ nursery just down the road from out house, she can only have been four at the most, and that was a fourth house since she was born in Belfast...

Change is good?..lynn's cafe closing

It been a week since i got the car back, and i haven't heard anything from Mike, which is great, but i have heard from Sandra,( a facebook message to say that she hardly goes to the church where Howard goes anymore, except the Sunday night service and the bible study, and the ladies meeting...so really just the same as before!!) I didn't answer her as there is really nothing i can say,she will still be friends with Howard, no different from before!!!
So there is the sad news this week that the Biker Cafe where we had a Bikers service is going to close, the Landlord has decided to take it over himself,so that will be the end of that for a while,until there is somewhere else we can use,if there is anywhere! its up to the Lord.

letting go...

It was my brother Mikes 55th birthday on the third of October, and i have put a photo of him on facebook. If anyone wants to read about that day, they can get onto the carewriteblog spot and read about it, its called Christmas day. Mike(my ex friend) has had a breakdown,he had insisted on fixing my car, and as it hard to contradict him when he is in the throws of a Manic, bi polar attack, i gave in.. it was at his house for nearly a month and he had hardly done anything to it.
Two weeks ago he rang me and said he had decided to charge me £200,(it cost £30) to fix it! i was horrified of course and rang him on the Friday and said i didn't want it to be done for a few months, he then insisted that he was going to do it anyway!..shouting over me!,again it was the same situation of me not being able to 'cross' him, after several phone calls to me last week when he insisted i buy a small plastic part, which i had told him before i was not able to buy at the time because i was having to pay a large £500 bill for the half yearly rent of the caravan site.The garage, which eventually fixed it just reused the old one!!
I was having a nasty phone call from him nearly everyday, one where he was very suspicious of a baseball bat i had in the car!,'why' he asked over and over again, i was trying very hard not to disagree with him and i just thought as soon as the car is done i don't need to talk to him again, then he said if the "cars not moved by Friday i will have it towed away"! and slammed the phone down on me!
He was scary, and very aggressive,i told him the reason for the bat, (because i have grandchildren,i never know when i would be playing baseball with the grandchildren, or just hit the ball for the dog), i was getting increasingly annoyed about having to justify myself or my choices,when he started on about the car,and said "well i thought you were given money to fix the car, why cant you use that?" and other stuff, he was using information i had shared with him against me!!`, and without the fact that he would be telling other people my business, especially Howard.
So it seemed however i tried not to upset or confront Mike, the usual tactics i have used over the years to pacify him were not working!!,i know it was the Enemy, it was very strange, and has never happened before! I know he is ill, i have made allowances for this for many years, but this was different,he has never been aggressive verbally to me EVER,this was new, I WAS TARGETED...
This was a new behaviour...intriguing... after a few days of this strange behaviour i put the phone down on him.
On Monday i did a reckless thing and went to get the car from his house on my own, but the Lord had provided someone else there so i had no need to be scared,it was interesting to see his changed attitude in front of someone else!!,he didn't talk to me at all in the way he was doing on the phone! he tried to get the occasional digs in(,i.e that i had told him to mind his own business about the money for the insurance,never mind the shouting down the phone at me or the talking over me, the refusal to let me have my car back, and the slamming down of the phone at least three times!!!..), but i let it go, i got the car away!!, but now i just have to decide what to do with the Trike! (which is still at his house), and has been for years, that's the only thing that gives him any reason to contact me, its in Gods hands now if HE wants me to keep it He will find a way!
On Sunday it was the biker church Rememberence at the Raven Cafe, for those who have lost their lives in the past year, and i thought Mike may be around as he goes to a nearby hotel for his Sunday lunch, but it was about an hour after he usually goes, so i didn't think i would see him, or he would be there!...so just to be sure i parked the car, well behind some others so it couldn't be seen from the road,but about twenty minutes later he parked right behind me!.I was waiting in the car for some other people to turn up, and then he said as he went past really aggressively and said'what are you doing here!! so nothing had changed!!!,then i decided i would take my car from his house the next day.
I know the Enemy has been using Howard, to stress Mike out, but this change in his attitude has been quite an 'eyeopener' to me, i have sometimes seen this anger and nastiness directed at other people before,Darren and Peter,and strangely enough after this they have not wanted to see Mike again!
So its been an interesting time! i feel good in a way that i did not allow myself to be intimidated into blaming myself for his accusations, or allowed myself to be spoken to disrespectfully!..on the phone anyway! it would have been a different matter face to face, but i don't have a death wish!!!.
I feel quite good about not justifying myself, or trying to explain how unjust he was being,something i have always fallen into the trap of doing, but i feel best about not agonizing over his actions, or his disrespectful behaviour to me, and not about the decision not to have him in my life anymore, he and that very sad man Howard can sit and compare notes about how unreasonable i am!!,but the Lord has given me some really good friends who actually care about me,and some of them are men, who are really good friends, so i can have relationships with the other sex, healthy productive,friendships with the goal of getting the Lords word out, and those TWO have no healthy relationships or even friendships with other men, or even women,i suppose i should be happy about that , i am not,i cant help but be sad for them,but not enough to try to fix them!!

Green garden

Yesterday was a complete roller coaster of emotions,i am still not really sure what happened, but i don't really want to talk about that now!...the past few weeks have been really tough, really the last month since Ben took the overdose, and the thing about me standing up and saying to my 'friends' that they were hurting my feelings a lot!I am still sleeping really well,so much in my life is really really good! I have started to clear the Garden, and have some big plans for a new greenhouse! i am not sure where i am going to have it yet, but i was really impressed when i saw the next door neighbours last week full of tomatoes and cucumbers, there are new people in the next door house,but it looked like they were looking after it, even though it must have been the nice couple who used to live there that planted it! i did see a piece of my old lean to there though, so that theiving nasty woman (who used to live there) and called called me a 'b***h'must have taken it!!
That greenhouse has been there for at least thirty years,probably 35 years actually, it doesn't look very robust,its all glass,and i have been reading up a lot about the siting of greenhouses and the angle is perfect to catch the most southern sun,it a pain to keep watering plants, which i am not very good at, and that is the reason why i don't have pots or hanging baskets outside the front of the house anymore,i did buy a very long hose but with the dog always running out at the time and the fact that i had to have two sets of doors open to use it put me off!! i am not really very interested in Flowers, although i can grow them really easily, i am more interested in vegetables, we have really good soil here and Mark said the best tomato's he ever grew were in this garden.I want to grow stuff i actually use,so will have indoor and outside tomato's and potato's too.
At the moment i have a lot of Apples, but the nettles have grown so much i cant get down the garden!, i have cut them down twice this summer and its just grown back, except where i dug up the roots, so will be doing that again over the winter months! i hate digging and am not really physically strong enough to do it for long so it is a very slow job!! i.e dig two spadefuls, rest, dig two more rest....

screaming and swearing!!

Ben decided a week ago that her wanted to be a good guy, so the screaming and swearing at night has stopped!!,i cant remember if i had posted about that before.Andre has said that the Lord must be working in Ben's life, because when he took the overdose he said he promised God he would not watch horror films anymore!! I know when i take a step closer to God there is an improvement in Ben, this has been the biggest improvement ever and its hard to get used to!!,because he is defying all the supposed 'tells' of what Autism is! Someone i once knew said she had seen in a vision of Ben being an adult with no Autism, i didn't take much notice at the time,,but maybe this was from the Lord, it seems to be coming true now!
I am running to catch up to the new Ben! I don't really know why this has happened,i don't understand, and i know though that The Lord is in everything, and i cant thank Him enough! I don't understand the Spiritual connection between me and my son's and daughters!the good soul ties that He has put there!...i don't understand why two of my children chose to not have me in their lives,its not painful anymore, i feel that that is a thing in my Life i have not control over, but i do feel that i must have been a bad Mum because this has happened....
I know i did may things wrong, i didn't always do the best i could, and sometimes put my own needs above theirs, So for a while i felt i deserved to be rejected by them, and did the best i could to fix it. They are adults, they made their choices, i love them and wish them well in their lives.Unfortunately its quite normal for family to 'fall out' as we say in England,i don't know why i feel i should be any different because i was a single Mum,or expect loyalty!!

Every Lie,every betrayal, every Punch, every agony of childbirth has taught me about the Lord.

Sandra has been complaining to someone "i am not friends with her because..." she was then stopped in her tracks because the listener did not want to hear it!! Of course this means that she is telling everybody, which would have horrified me before, but not now!! If anyone talks to me about it,i will tell the truth, i didn't start this, Howard did and I have done nothing to be ashamed of!!
Years ago,(2010)when he started this latest campaign of stalking ,i just wanted to make him stay away from me,and to stop the stalking,part of that has happened, he has not tried to talk to me directly for four years, but has stepped up the "low level" harassment via my 'friends' recently,i have taken legal advice again, nothing can be done about the 'indirect' harassment,because it would be seen as "hearsay"..YET,but as he is escalating it wont be long until he does something which means he can be subject to the law!
He may think i cant get access to law as i have spent most of the money my mum left me,but there is some left and i am willing to SPEND EVERY PENNY OF THAT TO GET JUSTICE!!
I am very angry now, i have put up with this for so long,since 1983.I am not burying my head in the sand any more,The Lord has given me the courage to stand up and be counted.I thank God for the change in me and the change in Ben!(he has now started to want to be a "good guy"!! so i don't have to put up with the screaming and shouting at bedtime,he doesn't lose his temper when he is crossed anymore and is getting up earlier!)
I can have a conversation with him, it is as if the overdose has triggered something to happen, in the natural of course i am sure there are plenty of 'wordly' people who would believe that, but i know every single part of my life is in Gods control! He is responsible for all this!! not me, not meds Him!! its strange to get used to this!!(Darren is not pleased because he cant get as much money from me now for looking after Ben)!!!.
Something quite telling happened the other day, but it shows me that the Enemy is right on the ball,!! I mentioned on the 17th that " the person i talk about the Bible and the Lord with, Darren is invisible to Howard"...6 DAYS later (yesterday) who just 'happened' to say "hello" to Darren in the street? HOWARD!! Darren just ignored him! and Darren said he hung his head and looked ashamed!!
So as the wonderful sister in the Lord Terry Loving said, he is being used by the enemy,doing his work, its not some pathetic human that i am up against, but the Enemy of our souls, before i mistaking-ly thought i was being a good 'christian' by not fighting back and i did 'turn the other cheek' for years, and even now i am not "fighting",i am not taking any unjust-ness straight from the Pit of hell anymore, i am standing up and saying when someones behaviour is not acceptable.
The enemy of our souls is not happy because i am not staying in the Box he had put me in labelled "victim". ! i am not a Victim anymore and haven't been since the day i kicked evil people out of my life!!(I hate the word 'victim' and even the word 'survivor', i am neither of those , i am a new creation in Jesus, a new person , that stuff happened to another person!!)
It has been at least 15 years since i refused to be treated like that anymore,even before the last time i gave Howard a chance to show me that he had changed,he was TELLING everyone else that he was the changed man he claimed to be!
Since the KANGAROO COURT in the 90's when i was challenged by the self appointed Leader of the group,Rob because Andre had told him a private conversation where i had said that Howard wasn't truly born again, and he was just pretending to get back with me!!..
In fact i had got in trouble for that before at the Church which brought me back to the Lord in the 90's, and NOW I AM SAYING THE SAME THING, and its just as true as it was 20 years ago!!...and 20 years ago Howard got himself back into my life by becoming friends with someone who was living at Mikes called Pete, he had worked with a few times, just the same as he has always done!, which is a bit shocking because that means he has been stalking me on and off since 1983!..,in 1984 i remember the sight of him knocking on the door after he had been sleeping in the Local Park, shivering and begging to come in,a pathetic sight? ... no but really just a manipulation to try to "get back with me" even then!! had no effect tho, didn't let him in!! another time i was pushing a pushchair over a windy bridge in winter and he cycled past, my face must have shown him that i was not pleased to see him, after the big smile he gave me!!...another time he had turned up with a friend to deliver something , and stayed after the friend left, just an excuse! still using the same old tactics!! thirty years later!!.
I don't really know why i am putting down these old memories!!..i seem to be working through the old stuff over the past few months! maybe the start to not being scared anymore is the Post "naming the abusers"
I know God uses the bad stuff in our lives to help us to learn, about this world, we have all learnt from the bad things,from the Good things i have learnt FAR more,about the things that really matter in this world,The Love of God, its the point of my existence,my life on this rotating ball,is to Learn about HIS LOVE.so its been worth it, every pain of childbirth,has taught me about the Fathers Love, every Punch has taught me about His forgiveness,every lie has taught me about his Truth,that HE IS THE TRUTH.
WOW!!. that's really powerful! thank you Lord, its all making sense now!

David and Saul again

The things that have been bothering my over the last few weeks have quietly resolved themselves,or of course it could be that the Lord has been blessing me again! Which i receive gratefully from him,i hope i have been blessed because i have not allowed the perfectly justified anger to come out and have always tried to behave myself as David did in the Bible, not getting a reaction out of David made the King more angry and jealous,and the people in the land noticed, which made the King more jealous!!
Sandra was not pleasant about it, on the 14.9.16,i said to her:
" Hi Sandra i am glad you are getting back on facebook,it is painful for me to talk to you at the moment, as you are still friends with Howard, he beat me, Raped me, and stalked me for years.I don't lie, HE DID THESE THINGS TO ME, and is not allowed by the court to talk to me ,but if he does, he will be arrested.I have letters form the solicitors to prove this, i know you say you 'care about me', but i would not be friends with someone who did this to you", she relied:
"Hi Elisa so sorry your feeling these things you had to go through in the past, that they still have a really bad effect on your life, i do hope we can still be friends, and nothing will come between our friendship that would be very sad,you are a very strong woman and a lovely mum friend and a sister in Christ you are loved by many people, you love a lot and give lots of your time to others, your amazing the things you do for others" my reply,
"Hi Sandra, the only thing that could come between us, our friendship , is you being friends with my rapist? who beat me,broke my nose,how could you? and still call yourself my friend" and later that morning i said;

" and these things do not 'still have a really bad affect on my life' as you say,i have forgiven,and the Lord has healed me from any affects "(of the violence from 10 15 years ago)."i don't know how you can say that to me,i have told you so many times, it is as if it happened to another person.I expect LOYALTY from my friends and family.Howard is the reason my daughter won't talk to, me or that i cant see my grandson much, he got involved with them and even said the lie that he was her dad! which i told him many times was not true. Howard should just stay away from my friends and family.I went to your church for 15 years,i had to stop because he started going,( to try to get back with me, after 10 years!)I cant go to my daughters house any more because he started going there to!! to try to 'accidently on purpose' bump into me and i would get back with him!!
These are the thing he has done in just the past few years, since 2010, so much that i had to go to a solicitor,twice, (two letters from different ones asking him to leave me alone were sent)" because i was so sick of him getting into every area of my life. Is this acceptable behaviour by him, why cant he just stay away from my friends and family? If he was genuinely sorry for his actions he would".( 14.9.16.)

She did not reply to any of these last two, and today i sent her a photo of the solicitors letter, and the photo of Howard and Max at a "family party", Sarah my ex step daughter put on the photo from face book,when his son Laurie was over from China with his daughter, who they have never seen here, Fake and real grandchild in the same place!!, but strangely enough he had his hands on Max and was no-where near his real grandchild!!(Tashy had told me that he had wanted Laurie to bring the baby to Zan's house,so he had to take Max there instead!).
The text i sent with today's message was " Is this photo o.k" (to you)" this is the letter the solicitor sent me,this photo is from august, last month with my grandson at someones house,his first wife's house with his REAL granddaughter ,...but i can't see my grandson because he has poisoned my daughter against me, is this fair or the actions of a born again man?. I wont contact you again, unless you contact me first, let me know when he is no longer your friend anymore".

I was reading somewhere recently about Rape i think, on a website called "we hunted the Mammoth" about men standing up to their friends, other males about rape jokes, and they said it should be seen as an unacceptable thing,very much the same situation as i am in,if my 'friends' told him his actions were not acceptable,and stopped being friends with him he would get the message that he cant behave like he does.
Mike and Sandra and the church they go to are both enabling the abuse.Blake once quoted the Bible where it says, "where good men stay silent Evil abounds" Of course i stayed silent,as do most abuse victims, through shame of being treated so badly,and the voice of the abuser saying it all their own fault.

I did not press Mike and Sandra on being friends with him before this because,I thought we could co-exist, as long as he left me alone,and did not actually speak or engage with me,which was what the solicitor had put in her letter,but she also said "you should not interfere with Miss Hills freedom of association", which he has done, so i have some responsibility, in that i should have got angry before,DEMANDED loyalty!!

Howard wants certain things to be kept secret,(i did too for different reasons, that it was a long time ago, this of course has worked against me too).His son Laurie does not know about anything he has done,he said to Nathan once,"it hard when they have the same friends", (but none of these people WERE friends of his,until he started his campaign to get me back!!)
Laurie doesn't know he is claiming Zan is his daughter, or that he introduces him (Max) as his Grandson at church!!,I don't know if Rebekah (his Ex wife) knows about the things he has said, she is friends with me, and i have tried to ask her about her experiences with him and the fact the she once said to me "you know the trouble i have had with him",( I didn't know what she meant at the time),or that she told their daughter some of the things he had done to her,and Sarah was really shocked, but wouldn't tell Tashy the specifics.
I could cause a lot of trouble for Howard, he must know this, i have access to them on facebook, i could comment on the very photo i sent to Sandra, where his daughter Sarah says,"a family barbeque", and ask her 'why do you think your Dad has Max there?'.(.because he is claiming to be Max's Grand-dad and Zannie's Dad!!).and ask her why her Dad does not get a D.N.A test if he is that sure!! The shocking thing to me is that he hates me so much that he has ruined my relationship with my daughter Zannie,does he have no conscience? and that he would do the same with my 'friends', maybe i should try to step up my friendship with Rebekah, she has been round a few times to invite me to things!!! To be honest i have never stopped being friends with her. So i wouldn't be using her if i did!!

Harvest moon

I have been reading the posts from the last few weeks,it seems like i have been totally consumed by the problems with my so called "friends" and their involvement with Howard,it seems to have taken up a load of my time!!, but in fact just because i have just talked about that for a few weeks, plenty of other stuff has been going on in my life! There has been a change in Ben,he is friendlier,actually smiles, and has been talking to other people...which is a big thing for him,he actually came up to someone i was talking to yesterday and said "Hi i am Ben"..he has NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE!!its so strange, i am not used to it!!
It was a full moon last night,i was expecting not to get any sleep but i did! i also had a argument with an internet provider who was supposed to give me a new phone number, and didn't! there were no apologies for making a mistake, just an insistence that i ring back in a week and ask for it again,i kept insisting they give me the number, without having to do their job myself...it really is not like me to argue, it is such a pointless waste of time, i would love the time back that i have spent in pointless argument!!, (mostly with people who did not have my best interests at heart)...who were trying to manipulate and control me,trying to make someone see the unfairness of their arguments is fruitless, because they are selfish human beings who don't care about anyone else's welfare just wanting their own way!!..So now i just state my case and then do what i want anyway! i am 58 years old, i don't have to ask anyone's permission anymore!!
My health has been so much better recently, i have managed to do my bible reading every day,and as always Darren and i have been talking about the Lord, and the Bible,its such a shame that the only person who really knows what is going on with me is so invisible to Howard! I am sure God wants it that way!!
I do feel a bit sorry about not having Mike and Sandra in my life anymore, but it was their choice! i care about both of them, they are lonely old people,and i liked being there for them,to talk to and going to Christian biker events with them,being able to bless them like that, but the Evil one was allowed in,by them, and i really feel they have lost a lot more than me,the enemy is an evil foe,i will not engage with him, with the Lords help!
The friends the Lord has brought into my life are really wonderful people, through the Biker Church, i feel i really have found the 'calling' in my life, it is so good to know i am walking in the Lords will for me!!

Big bad bullies

I have been reading some very interesting articles on the internet,one is "the gentle art of verbal self defence, by Susette Hayden Elgin, i haven't bought the book but have read some of the stuff she put on the internet, summing up the basics,of course she is dealing with workplace bullies, who are not pyhsically abusive,so to me it seems annoying that its deflecting the bullies, mainly by placating them, the onus is on the victim to take the anger and danger out of the situation, which of course irks me a great deal!!

Yesterday i was reading a scientific study about Bullies,a researcher started studying adult male bullies who were offenders, then thought it must start in the teenage years, then went back to school age children, then back to the infants treatment by the Parent, it didn't actually say the Mother..but of course it would have to be a woman's fault!!

The basic conclusion was that childhood bullies become criminals,and wife beaters who cant hold down a job, and are a great burden on society,because they get more ill, need more intervention to help to learn at school,the study also says the these bullies, have less testosterone than the normal population, less than the men who achieve in society because they lack the verbal skills to succeed in society, this study is not true for Jon who has good verbal skills,but not a bully in the traditional sense because he only does it behind closed doors,but he does fit the criteria of being a criminal, not working, and being a drain on society, as he was sacked form the job (his Dad pressured for him to get) for watching porn during working hours on the work computer, his Dad was the Boss!
The Study was called "big bad bully",(by Hara Estroff Marando)and is easily accessible on the internet, it also says they have a "a hostile attribution make up" which essentially means they have some paranoia,in they think the whole world is out to get them, and see insults where none was given!!SOUNDS LIKE BATTERERS TO ME!!!
The university of Washington Pyschologist Neil Jacobson observes their are two types of batterers
CALCULATING COBRAS
REACTIVE HOT HEADS,
He says that "Bullies and Batterers minimize their aggressive actions, make identical cognitive distortions and attribute hostility to others where it does not exist"

THE VERY LAST PEOPLE

I have told Sandra and Mike that it really hurts my feelings that they are 'friends' with Howard, because he beat, raped, and stalked me for years...but so far it has made no difference, Mike has even mentioned Howard the last two times he has spoken to me!!...so the slow fade out starts, i wont be answering the phone...going where i know they will be, or if we bump into each other i wont be rude, but leave immediately..
I am sad, i wish Howard would just stay away, like Eddie said, (he left his home town so those who he abused would not have to see him in the street!)..
I don't feel sad because he has taken these "friends" away, because they were not friends anyway! Not if they did that to me,to be perfectly honest i only talk to them because i feel sorry for them! each of them are THE VERY LAST PERSON I WOULD TALK TO IF I WAS UPSET!..neither of them has known what is really going on with me for over a year! i never ring them, and i am sad to say i never think of them! Sad people
So now i feel no responsibility, and as i said before i feel really free! as always with me its going to take a few days to get used to this new me! but i do know that yesterday when Mike mentioned Him it annoyed me for a few hours, i can do without that aggravation!!

Mummy's boys

I have just added a postscript to the post from the 5th July,, of this year, when i was talking about how i can have a man, trusted Brothers, hug , kiss, or touch me without hitting the ground in terror! and was wondering about the difference in my reaction to Jon or Howard,when i see them, i wonder how i could ever have been frightened, or scared by them! and I am trying not to be nasty!!.. neither of them is the kind of macho huge muscles' he' man in my mind they used to be!!, they are pretty weedy,pathetic physical specimens!
Jon is not much taller than me,probably 5" 5'inches tall, small frame, more like an adolescent boy, than a 50 year old man, slopping shoulders, and no muscles on his arms (when he was working he was called "two tile Johnny", because he was not strong enough to carry as much as the other men!)
Mentally he has no gift of communication,its not two way, he talks about people who the other person has never met,and i am sorry to say bores everyone!! i sound so nasty, but this IS Him, this IS his personality!
Howard i have to grudgingly admit is Handsome, or was!!, now he has white hair which is balding, with long wispy hair grown long at the back...it looks ridiculous!..( probably my fault because i told him years ago like long hair in men..) He is very tall, over 6 foot,he always seems really nervous, and sweats a LOT, his hands are always wet with sweat..yuk,he has broad shoulders,but has rather short legs and a long body,which looks a bit strange,he stoops a lot, and has the worst sweaty feet! gosh i sound so nasty!!..
His personality is not sparkling! he used his good looks to attract women...but actually living with a woman? has NEVER EVER been sucessful!... He has a speech impediment, (he cant say 'th'He says 'v' instead,),which can make him sound childlike...at first i thought he was of very low intelligence,which was a very bad mistake, he is very cunning, and very very spiteful, he is not controlling in the verbal manipulation sense that Jon is, he doesn't have those skills,and is incapable or unwilling to ever acknowledge that using violence to get his own way is wrong at all!!...OR unable to understand why i would be angry at being treated violently!!!...(i suppose most violent Men feel its perfectly justified to "punish us" like naughty children when we "dis-obey").. Maybe this doesn't sound like the same man as i described in "inside my abusers mind post", maybe today i am feeling less angry towards him, i think i better read that today just to remind myself just how bad it was then!
So i have no idea why i was attracted to these men! (another thing they both were "mummy's boys")and both these women never think anything their sons do is wrong!!, obviously like the Pope they are infallible!!!..its sad, i was thinking about that phrase, a "face only a mother could love"! well abusers are men who only their mothers could love!! Or us unfortunate women who cold only love them in the Honeymoon period before they let their true personalities out!!

RAGE RAGE RAGE,and chinks in my armour.

I have just been reading the post from february 4th about praying for healing, and the awful neighbour's leaving,the ones that moved in were really nice,they had a baby a few months ago, and didn't leave it to scream in the middle of the night either!! like the last ones did, i think they were stoned!!Ben used to bang on the wall...
Its been a difficult few days,Ben took another overdose and we spent the night in hospital, he is fine now,last week Andre came to stay at Mikes house,so i have mixed feelings about that too! They weren't very nice about Mikes house,he has been on a high since then, which i am hoping wont turn into anything worse...and he has gone back to his old habit of reporting in every day, after talking non-stop asking me what i have been doing, then talking over me at the first opurtunity, his friend from Germany has been doing the same, and sounds surprised when i say after ten minutes of a totally one sided conversation,"i have to go,cooking, visitors", something better to do!!
I am trying to be understanding about Mike,and thinking to myself..."well he is a good friend, always helps with car problems", so i will give him a bit of latitude, THEN he says something which freezes me on the spot..."i had a lovely time of fellowship with Howard today" STUNNED SILENCE FROM ME. which of course he doesn't even notice!..too busy talking over me... then i was so horrified with myself for sharing with Mike about how i was really feeling and struggling to forgive, people from the past who thought it o.k to interfere with my life now, (Jon and Howard of course),Howard was in a photo on facebook at his ex-wife's house when his son and daughter in law were visiting from China, with Howard and Rebekah's first Grandchild,what did bother me was that Howard had Max standing in front of him, Tash had told me He had said he wanted Laurie to bring the Baby to Zannie's house,so he got his wish just in a different place.
Fake Grandchild and real grandchild in the same place!!
Last week i was worried that Howard was going to take advantage, of Andre being up to use that to" accidently come round when i was there", that didn't happen but the Enemy has not been slack in finding a way to use Howard to try to get at me,never mind all the rest of the stuff.
Of course the worst part of all this is the fact that Andre is going to court because he has been accused of squeezing a woman's boobs.. they are all outraged at this woman for "lying about their friend"....whereas I am there having been raped, beaten,Stalked, and lied about for years,by one of their friends!!!..but i cant say anything without being judged, as unforgiving!!
I have felt that the Lord does not want me to Challenge or even talk about this to Mike.
So again this week i am facing another turning point with these "friends", do i drop them? do i give into the trap the ENEMY HAS SET!the almost impossible bind he has me in!..its going to take me a few days to process this, at the moment i feel so overwhelmed, and want to never see any of them again...because being friends and trusting them with my struggles, which i know for certain have been told to a person who despises, and would Physically hurt me in any way they could get away with!
I am SO ANGRY,that i have allowed the controllers access to my life by leaving this chink open...this weakness..THIS BELIEF that these people really 'cared about me', and that i could just avoid being where Howard was likely to be....its not worked, in fact has failed SPECTACULARLY...
I have not spoken one word to Howard in five years, but my every action, share or thought,he has known,have i been fooling myself when i thought that the Solicitors intervention in 2012 has actually stopped him?, or the threat of arrest had stopped him? I SEE WITH A SICKENING REALIZATION that my proud boasts of being "free" ARE NOT TRUE.I CAN NEVER BE FREE WHEN HE HAS ANY ACCESS TO ANYONE WHO I TRUST, with my most intimate thoughts and struggles,with my walk with the Lord.
I have chosen not to have this person in my home,or have any kind of relationship with him, because he IS DANGEROUS TO ME, but why why why cant i get him out of my life...

Its the next day, i have spoken to Sandra,i said it really 'hurts my feelings that you are friends with someone who raped,beat me up , and stalked me'.I have spoken to Mike and said the same thing.I have spoken to Andre today, but felt there was no point in saying anything to him, because i never see him, and the last time he was here i didn't want to see him at all. Sandra listened, but started to talk over me as usual!!,so she didn't really HEAR ME, at all!!...
I did talk to Mike for a while,( i don't feel the same check in my spirit to not say anything), i emphasized that' i would not be friends with anyone who treated him like that'. So its done,with pretty much the result i expected, and i feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I feel free, i don't have responsibility to them anymore, i don't have to go to meetings just because they want to,i don't have to think about them, worry about them! its over, i have not lost anything, because they have not been real friends anyway,and were being manipulated by Howard, and refused to listen when i told them, just like Zannie...
Captain Awkward ( the advice blogger) has summed it up for me by saying "Friendships have to be able to withstand boundary setting and communications, that certain behaviours are not cool,like you are 'hurting my feelings', or ..that thing you do is not o.k can you stop it?. If you are always biting your tongue when your friends hurt your feelings what you have IS NOT A FRIENDSHIP"
Mike has just rung me back said he was praying, and had got the phrase " a root of bitterness"!!! which did annoy me because obviously it was me !! just like all "victim blamer's" turning it round on me,i call him out on his betrayal,but its turned round on my supposed "bitterness".!!classic!

Friends?

I have decided to write this post, which i may never publish...because sometimes i allow myself to get worked up about things that might happen,and they don't,there is a small possibility that today someone i know may invite Howard to a social event...where i will be,and it may be my fault because although i have told them about his violence and stalking towards me, i felt the Lord did not want certain people(Mike)to know about the solicitors advice if he approaches me...(that i should call the Police).. so i am just waiting to see what will happen.. i do have a sinking feeling though that i am going to see who my real friends are... i know i would NEVER STAY FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE WHO HAD RAPED AND BEATEN another person, let alone someone i am supposed to care about.!!
I am thinking about some ways this might go,usually i would stay away from where he may be,its ingrained in me to avoid conflict and just hide away from him, but remain furious at my "friends" for allowing this situation to occur,fade them out as much as i can,and get some better friends,(i have started to go to a new church,and have been slightly concerned he would appear there....just as he has at the last two churches i have been to).
(Of course this could be the thing that the Lord has allowed to happen, to end old friendships,so i can carry on without being held back by un-worthy friends?!!
As i have written on here before (on this blog),obsession is scary,do i let my friends be manipulated?, do i say you either choose him or me? I am not entering into the fight, its one sided,they can do exactly what they want and i wont get involved! Will i be forced to go to the Police?..I am not running away anymore! So this is out of my hands, its their choice...watch this page!!
UPDATE:
I have since found out that the very NEXT DAY Howard was there, went out to play darts with Mike and Eddie.SO MY BAD FEELING WAS RIGHT.I don't know why I have these,i know it happens with other things too,very often lately,almost every day!

Creepy week.

Well its been a creepy week since i got home, weird noises,things moving out of the corner of my eye...so last night at 12.p.m, Ben was in the other room on his settee on his laptop, i could hear him,and then i saw a black form peep round the door, there was a "leg" at he bottom of the wall,about three feet high up the wide opening where the sliding doors are into my room, and then higher up where a human head would be, just a solid black appearance,i was furious, i immediately went to rebuke it and command it to go in Jesus name,it had gone of course, they don't usually manifest near me.
Ben has seen them a few times, he call's it the "shadow man" and when he was younger he drew a picture of a solid black mass,i have seen it once from outside and was surprised when i came into the house because i thought it was Ben up early,but usually the dogs bark a welcome when he gets up, and i hadn't heard that..again it just looked like a solid black human shaped figure, with sharp defined edges.
So i will have to pray and find out how these things have the right to be in my house, the Enemy is very territorial, and cant come in unless it has the legal right which means that i have made a mistake somewhere, and given them the legal right.., i missed the full moon last week, and was actually away at the caravan,i didn't do spraying the boundaries, but i thought i had covered it by reading the book of Nahum in the house few days ago ,but was a bit puzzled because i didn't feel anything go, or the fury of the Enemies servants because they have to leave!

Joanna's fund raising

So i am back home after we had a few days at the caravan,an i had a cold too which has caused me to have asthma,i felt better as soon as i was home, well that night anyway,the neighbours where outside until about 2.am and i woke in a panic at 1.30 a.m smelling smoke and ran down stairs to find out what it was, i am not sure if the smoke alarms are working! just to find out they had a fire next door, one of those fire pit things!
I was doing really well with my Bible reading and was feeling closer to God, but that went out of the window a bit when i was away,I was shocked when i got out of bed on Friday night after the false alarm that i wasn't breathless after going upstairs!.I came back on Friday so i could take Tash and Daisy and the girls to Brian and Helen's daughters event to raise money for motor neuron disease, but i didn't make it, Daisy hadn't slept for a few nights,so we didn't go, i wasn't really up to going either

Not a fight.

The Enemy has been trying to have a "go" at me through my family in the last few days,it did upset me for a few minutes, but not any longer than that! (it is a photo of Howard with Max at His ex wife's house where his son was with his and Rebekah's REAL Grand-daughter who was visiting from China, obviously it was him having Max there, his fake,"first Grandchild" which he tells everyone at the church!)
He knows this has ruined my relationship with my Daughter,and i could cause a lot of trouble for him by telling his son and Rebekah the lies he is telling about being Zannie's "Dad", and MAX's Grandfather!!...But i wont,how other people choose to behave is between them and God,but i don't have to join in! Most of all i am responsible to God for how i behave,its not a fight if its only one sided!! he can just get on with it! it only affected me for a few minutes, the rest of the 99.9% of the time i never give him or Jon a second thought, sad sad men!!
Its going to be really hot today! but its great that i have air conditioning in the new car, so it's not too hot for the dogs!!

Small talk

Well no one has read the last post!! its been there a few days,i still cant read it, its far too personal so i don't know why i was supposed to put it on here... i have been trying harder to read the bible the last few days and i do feel better!i went to the Gospel choir on Wednesday and although i didn't sing because they were doing a concert, and i had to be at the dentist before the end, it was still nice to go and hear their wonderful singing,they did a wonderful Version of i "don't know how to love him," from, and "you'll never walk alone", it was really inspiring.i had a lovely meal at my favourite Italian Restuarant,but what stood out to me most was when was trying to rush away that two women a bit younger than me shared some personal stuff in their life, and later i really felt that the Lord had wanted them to me to be there for these two ladies,one shared about how she never had been able to have children, and had been born again but had drifted away,so i encouraged her to go back to fellowship,and the other was working in a shop where she was under pressure as she was the only one working,she was dealing with a customer who would take a while to help , so i said i would return later, and when i did i said 'its a lot less busy now',just small talk really, but when i left she said goodbye,in a way as if she had really been touched by me just taking to her....i have noticed this before that people really open up to me,and can sometimes tell me some very personal stuff, i DON'T think it is my wonderful personality, or anything i have done AT ALL! but i think it must be the Lord in me! even that seems to me as i read it back really prideful!! oh dear....but the main thing i was trying very badly to express is that i felt that i was in the right place at the right time...

Inside my abusers mind, part 2 2011.

A guy called Eddie who i knew years ago and was in Prison for violence,( he had a Personality disorder, so could not really help himself ) was writing to me,and Mike,and he gave me some reasons from a mans perspective why Howard was stalking me,
Eddie said men consider Sexual attraction,or the SEX ACT as LOVE,
SO; He (Howard) felt loved by me seeking him out for Sex, he even said "i have never been treated "loved like this"
Eddie says "Predators who groom their victims for their own gratification- all is one sided, it what HE WANTS, NO-ONE ELSE MATTERS.
Eddies carried on:
"The least i could do for my victims was to move away, so they did not have to face me,maybe on the street" his opinion was if Howard was even a bit sorry, he would leave town.

He denies everything, JUST TO RUB MY NOSE IN IT
Its fun for him....he enjoys my fear reaction, he sees that he can still control me...and affect me!!
Howard would say to me that he " would encourage me to go out an achieve things, actual word he used was "let me"!! that's good of him!! 'allowing me' to be a human being!! (Implying that i need his permission)
He didn't stand up for me, even to those others he cared about..Its normal human behaviour to stand up for those you love, that's how normal people behave in relationships...so logically when he says nasty bad stuff about me, with his mother, at her house when my kids are there?....And the rest of the time when he puts me down in front of the children, its back to.."

HE WANTS TO HURT ME AT ALL TIMES, A revelation to me!!

Normal people in relationships defend those they care about and do not put down or bitch about them,so when he does not defend me? ...it means he does not LOVE OR CARE ABOUT ME!! How would i want him to react to:
His mum being nasty about me, at her house in front of my children?..
by saying?
" please don't put her down, ever and especially not in front of her children, she is the woman i love, and i wont tolerate you speaking like that" ( although to be perfectly honest, when all this was happening, i found everything he did annoying! which was wrong of me but i was living with Put downs,snide remarks, fear of violence, losing his temper,
IF I HAD KNOWN ABOUT,
1. the the nasty comments at his mums,
2. Nasty comments about me on the way to his mums,(to my kids about me)
3. the swearing at his mums by her.(again if front of my kids)
4. the violence done to Ben and Joe, ( he dropped the bike with Joe on it when they ere fighting about who was going to ride it) Tash did not tell me about this until i had kicked him out...if i had know about this when it was happening...what would i have done?
Just for the violence to the kids I WOULD HAVE MADE HIM LEAVE. IMMEDIATELY,and then told the police what he had done to them.

So WHAT IS LOVE?
Is it wanting the other spouse to be un-happy all the time? OR;
Teasing
Mocking
Hitting
Strangling?....
HE DOES NOT LOVE ME
Because;
LOVE is;
Encouragment
building up self esteem
wanting the best for
proud of,
care for welfare of,

TALK IS CHEAP, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS
Its not what he said that shows Love,but how how i was TREATED. I punched the kids baby doll saying i love you at the same time, i felt like that doll....i felt i had the word "victim" tattooed on my forehead.......I lost my identity, i lost ME,i lost the will to fight, a DANGEROUS TIME.. Its the black pit...sinking sinking sinking...
I had a decision to make, which way to go?.. so desperate....i was so distressed he called the ambulance because he thought i was having an asthma attack...HE COULDNT POSSIBLY BE RESPONSIBLE OF COURSE!!, so it must be something else!! I had used all my resources, all my reserves, i was gone, an empty shell...was walking round unable to feel anything...so.
Anti depressants;
Which kept me on a bearable level, the ONLY WAY I COULD STAY WITH HIM!
While all this was going on with me he was;
Sneaking off to large shopping centre, spending large amounts of money, meant for kids food on music c.d's,He was refusing to work and we were living on benefits, (welfare), with five kids at home and he had another three he was supposed to be supporting.
He was only washing and showering when he went to see the baby he had with Hayley, Bobby, even though i clearly said it hurt my feelings when he only bathed to see her.
Talking to Frank about personal stuff,(Pastor of the church,told him i wouldn't submit to him)!!I DID NOTHING BUT SUBMIT TO HIM, IT WAS TOO DANGEROUS NOT TOO!!!. Frank told him to take control of the family finances, although he had no experience of budgeting for a family.Which was spent on the music c.d's

SCHOOL INCIDENT
Just before i was going to pick up the kids from school, he threatened to cut my face off With his wall-papering Scissors (while holding my neck in an arm lock, with the Scissor's an inch from my face... i went to the school so upset and SCARED,i could not speak..he followed me all the way asking over and over for forgiveness,and all the way back, over a mile walking, (this was not long after an incident when i was so scared i could not speak to him,while driving,he was so angry with me for being silent he grabbed me around the neck,and tried to strangle me, i had kids in the back and was driving over a bridge with a very fast deep river underneath). When i got back from school,I rang Frank (church leader)who had been counselling us, and told him what He had done,which he had insisted i did, after claiming Howard would never hit me again, he asked me what i had done to provoke him!!!.. Frank then insisted i go to that evenings meeting,with all the five kids. I made Howard leave not long after that, and left that sad excuse for a "church".
So; 2011. HE IS STALKING ME, ON AND OFF FOR YEARS.
So, how do i face the fact that i am being STALKED by man who REALLY HATES ME?....it really scares me,i lock myself in the house for months,until i get so angry after repeated complaints to the Police, and a solicitors letter,which he ignores.(Later in 2012 I go to a women's aid solicitor, who does help,she informs the Police,who now when ever my name comes up has his pops up too!He will be arrested if he talks to me again. This costs me a lot of money,£500, which was part of the money that my Mum had left me, if its not for that i would still be scared.


SO... i take control for myself,and by removing myself from the situation. (from church,from mikes house, from Zannies house), ALTHOUGH HE IS STRONGER AND MORE CUNNING THAN ME, HE WILL GO TO ANY EXTENT TO PROVE HIS POINT.
I DON'T LIKE HIM:
DON'T LOVE HIM
DON'T DESIRE HIM...I HAVE NO INTEREST AT ALL IN HIM... he has lost all his power!!!

So why does he stalk me, when he doesn't like, love or desire me? ..Why does he go to my daughter Zan's house,my new church, Mikes house, supermarket cafe, when he's been told i am going to be there,To Cricieth (for his baptism). In fact for months he is everywhere i go.
I have not spoken ONE word to him for 16 months,or given him any encouragment, (this was 2011) Yet i have seen him more in that 16 months than in the last 6 years! following me,and 'accidently on purpose' being wherever i was going or going to be.He had inveigled himself into the lives of everyone who knew me,to try to force me into getting back with him.
Since i divorced him in 2006, he goes to Church, my daughters Zannies house, Mikes, Cricieth,IN fact everywhere i go. He lies to Zannie, says he does not try to talk to me, on June 1st 2011 (the day my grandson Max came out of hospital) he tried to talk to me THAT VERY NIGHT!! (This was the year he tried to say that he was Zannie's biological father,he got drunk on new years eve,2010 and let the "secret" slip! I suppose this was because i had stopped going to Zannie's house because i never knew when he would be there, i would see her at mine or somewhere else, and so he couldn't accidently bump into me there!)

At the time the excellent Terry Loving said this to me, about the situation," as regards you ex husband,sounds like that although he is your Ex, he is still trying to control your life, in some way.He is in the ear of those who can be manipulated to make you feel guilty for not taking him back. Reconciliation without true repentance and real change is very dangerous,and these changes do not happen because an offender gets baptized,or teaches a class or gets others to say he has changed".(i have since found out that this is called "triangulation", getting other people to manipulate you to do something.i.e take them back,plead their case,find out information about my life, to be used against me if attempts to re-unite don't work)


So that's my story!!!,humiliating, sordid,sickening story,I didn't want to write it, or remember it.but its done now,Terry said recently that i" write my feeling which most people don't", but i really didn't share much of my feelings except about the School incident, i wrote down the bare facts, clinically,because looking back from my perspective now i want to scream at the younger me " RUN RUN RUN"..DON'T BELIEVE HIM,he doesn't love you or anyone but himself..
Men or women who enjoy inflicting pain are still God's children, they are sinners just like the rest of us,and i don't have a choice about forgiveness, because i am a sinner, who has been forgiven.I have forgiven Howard, and Jon. Its not been easy!!, i sometimes still struggle even today, but i know the LORD, does not want me held back by what sin others have chosen to do to me!...Its their problem not mine, they have to face God on Judgement day! i can honestly say that it is as if it happened to another person. I know He has preserved my life so that i can go out and preach the Gospel,to tell others my story, and show them what an AWESOME AMAZING God we have!
He saved me on the Cross and He saved me from dying by Howard or Jon's hand.I am exactly where i am supposed to be in His plans for me, and i suppose it should give me some sort of satisfaction that Both Howard an Jon are not prospering in Life, Jon refuses to work and lives off his Girlfriend who has to work as Cleaner to support them,Howard also has menial job, as cleaner,and both of them have kids who intensely dislike them, and no friends. It not satisfying,i really don't care less either way!( of course i feel sorry for the kids that they don have better fathers), but the opposite of Love is not hate its indifference, and that's what i feel about those two.
GOD IS GOOD!!, ALL THE TIME, HALLELUJAH!

An empty insecure shell.

I haven't really got time to post anything on here today, but I feel I should come on here, strange!! as usual I don't feel I have anything to share but the Lord always gives me something as long as I am obedient! I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself in the last few weeks, even doubting my sanity sometimes, and been quite anxious, and I am hesitating to share this, but as the enemy has done this he already knows anyway!!but instead of wondering why I have felt so insecure and uncertain, not sleeping and getting annoyed about silly things, which were easily sorted out by just speaking to the person involved, i have been giving the victory to the Enemy, instead of to the LORD!!
My mental and physical state recently has just shown me how much of my Identity is in Him, I am just an empty, insecure shell without reading my Bible every day, I am not good at praying, so I Must ask God, the Holy Spirit to help me with that, but I do know that when I bother to read the Bible, it blesses me every time.
I have been blessed by it today, by reading the things that Paul went through, beatings, shipwrecks, in the sea for a day and a half, and countless other stuff, it makes me ashamed to even feel sorry for myself!

Obsession

I saw the end of a documentary about the British film director, that Vile human being, Alfred Hitchcock,who made some films in the 1960's,i don't really like his films,there is already enough true stories about women being killed without made up films!( Why anyone would actually watch a woman being murdered and enjoy it it beyond me?... unless of course they are Abusive Criminals and we all know that that is enjoyable to them!!, they pursue this life choice EVERY DAY, in fact dedicate their life to it!!).. abuse is nothing to joke about of course,but its o.k to laugh at Abusers!! in fact the more we do the better, perhaps not a very Christ like thing to do though!!
Stalking and Obsession is not a nice thing to joke about either, not to those being Obsessed about, but i can as I was once subject to this, i refuse to be called a VICTIM of!( because it make us look like a weaker more vulnerable "mark", and takes away from the criminals who do this Crime.).
Men who do this are controlling, and if a woman dares not to be controlled, as Tippi Hedron did, they will do the best they can to Re-assert control, Hitchcock told Hedron he would ruin her career, and he did succeed for a while, he wouldn't let her out of her contract to do other films, for the few years left on her contract, because she would not sleep with him.
I was stalked by an Ex husband Howard,who systematically set about trying to invade every area in my life, Church, Family,and for a while the whole unfairness of the situation did drive me to into hiding.But i know the Lord has other plans for my life, and Howard is a very small blot on the landscape for me!!, a mere insect buzzing for a few seconds, and just as fast forgotten!
I am a worthless Sinner but God has given me the strength to Live my life For Him,and i can never stop being grateful to Him for that.

Tug of War.

What a strange co-incidence, i managed my first solo stand yesterday, and i had 22 hits on my blog! one day last week not one single person viewed it and the day i do my first stand i get 22, weird!!! it seemed to go very well, it was a trike rally event, at a country pub about 13 miles away from here, most important of course that we gave out 8 biker bibles and had some good conversations,so Praise God for that! it was a very hot day,but we had plenty of shade because of the Gazebo, it was a lovely family atmosphere and Mike and Geoff's team won the tug of war!

Evil

I have spent a lot of time, far too much time trying to work out why i have been treated like s**t, by some men, only two,why are they so nasty,so cruel?, i fell into the old trap that they were abused themselves, neglected etc,some maybe they have,but i have decided from long life experience that they are Evil, that's all... no complicated psychological diagnosis!.

They won't change, it works too well for them, they like to watch their victims in Pain..Its enjoyable to them, the nub of pure Evil.To watch weaker innocents in pain,its what drives serial killers, sadists,and their Father is Satan, they are out there doing their fathers work.Just like Jesus said in the bible,they are of their Father the Devil!!..I have read a lot of the stuff that is out there about abusers,many many books,all with their own theories, and yet its so simple, it just comes down to that one word!!.EVIL.
Why is it so hard to just say it?,people in the World,the non-believers want to explain it away! have all these complicated diagnoses,..Narcisistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder,Schizophrenia,you can take your pick, its SIN, its a CHOICE, not beyond their Control, its about Control.
I am so sick of all the words,names, excuses,explanations, and meanwhile the Evil laughs! his smokescreen has fooled for so long!

Inside the Abusers mind....,( very personal stuff, never shared before).TRIGGER WARNING.

Abusers:..need to win,Isolate victim,need to control
Abused: ..feels guilt- so keeps secrets.

I am going to share some very personal things that happened to me when i was living with my Abusive husband,Howard Shellard.I don't want to do this, as its personal,but its a way of letting it go, and being Public maybe someone who is going through this now may be helped in some way.

"A Controlling Personality would always want to hurt You at EVERY moment"

Yes its a shocking statement!...normal people don't enjoy hurting others!---so obviously;abusers aren't "NORMAL! they are Psychopaths, the modern name is Sociopath's, which is a softer word, somehow less extreme, making them seem less dangerous,it doesn't. Abusers are DANGEROUS,just look at the numbers of Women killed every year by men who told them he "loved" them.

I found the following in an old notebook from 2012,i felt it was the Lord leading me through the bad memories so i could let go,and i have with His help;(We had been split up for a about twelve years and divorced)

It was my birthday,and some of my friends wanted to give me a little party, Howard had got himself into the fringes of the Group,so he was invited,but not by me!, he gave me a copy of his favourite Music artist Warren Zevon, i was stunned when i opened it, because when we were together i had told him i hated it! but its just the same as when we were together, i would go to bed early because i was tired from looking after kids,he would come to bed when he wants, (usually 2 am) and wake me up and then expect hours of Sex, and would be irritated if i fell asleep!!:..i.e-; Selfish behaviour, (not MY needs, just his, he has no concern for my welfare.) I became weak through lack of sleep,and i became easier to control!.Later i went onto anti-depressants,which helped me to cope very well with the marriage! as i couldn't feel any emotions..ANOTHER GIFT TO AN ABUSER........THIS COMES UNDER THE HEADING OF;..FORCED INTIMACY;do i wish to be with someone like that? a controlling personality with all the TEMPER TANTRUMS?,(i.e. his nephews wedding,when we were driving there he was shouting and screaming at me,i swerved badly and wrecked the axle on my car. His mums 80th birthday party was the same,he started shouting, and in the end went on his own, which was his plan from the start!)..
CONTROLLING ABUSERS, CANNOT SEE OR BEAR THE VICTIM HAPPY!

HOW WOULD I HAVE WANTED HIM TO REACT?
..."Lifted" song?( he mocked it, and hated it because it made me happy), HE SHOULD HAVE reacted; "its great you find that so inspiring"
SNOOKER TABLE,his friend was delivering a snooker table,to his house,( we weren't living together then,but were having another try at reconciliation.) and it was arranged for a day when I had asked for, and he promised, his support with a difficult situation .He refused to change the time." i wont change this, and my friend may not be able to make another day" were his actual words..( didn't even ask his friend!!!).my reaction was,internally only, i am not as 'important as a snooker table to you').This was the start of the end for me.

HOW WOULD I HAVE WANTED HIM TO REACT?
"OF COURSE! I will change the delivery day, NOTHING is as important to me as you, i understand how you might feel a bit nervous meeting E***e,he is a mental patient after all"
I was struggling hard with the desire to ring him and try to explain all this to him,and how it makes me feel less important than a snooker table, but he is incapable of seeing my point of view. I resist the temptation! even now years later!, to think of him as "thick "he is in fact cunning, clever and manipulative. How else could he succeed in upsetting me!(i have higher education level than him).Yes it has been a comfort to think of him as a "thick" person,but its being an ostrich,it makes me feel safer thinking i am cleverer than him..i can "out think him", so i wont be killed by him,SO I WAS TRUSTING MY I.Q, NOT GOD,my life is not in Howard's hands, it is in the Lord! He will decide the day i die.
Did it work when i told him it hurts my feelings when he only washed and shaved when he was seeing his ex-girlfriend and their baby? (I made sure i explained fully, he understood perfectly). NO! IT DIDN'T WORK. HE DID EXACTLY THE SAME THING NEXT TIME! HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS, AND REFUSES TO WORK ON OUR RELATIONSHIP...

So i have to face the facts; He did not want me to be happy, ever, even for the few minutes listening to "lifted"..he enjoyed winding me up, putting me down in front of others, teasing, tormenting me, seeing me in pain.

Incident at the caravan?.2001.
I was very tired after driving a long way(,during the last go at reconciliation) and was setting up everything in the caravan, very busy, and distracted,he was playing football with Joe,who was about 10, in a very large field away from the caravans, as they played they drifted nearer, i asked them to keep away from the Caravans , as some were very expensive,after the third time i asked, HE SCREAMED "You treat me like a child".He was acting like the spoiled child! but i had NOT been asking him in a "parental" manner,but as nicely as i could, maybe i was not as guarded as i usually was because i was tired. So i failed to "manage him" as well as usual!! (I packed up the caravan and drove straight home,in silence,took him to his house, and that was one of the last times i ever spoke to him. We did not say anything all the way home and he sat in stunned silence! ) the worm had turned,he had let the mask slip, and even though he had not been violent to me (in that last chance end of the relationship time) he just couldn't keep up the "perfect act"!!..
SO...if another Adult asked me several times to do something how would I react?..I would apologise and stop the first time i was asked .He did not do it because I ASKED HIM!! therefore he does not see me as worthy, or entitled to "ask" him anything, though i asked ,NOT "told",he sees it as me forcing him. He is saying he does not have to listen to me...
How would he treat another person asking him?.., would he say"sorry mate, i will move away from the caravans" At the Christian camp we went to he Cried when he was told by a guy he was in a restricted place,another time he Cried when he was told by a man he was not supposed to be in his garden!

WHEN HE SAYS TO ME "I don't need to listen to you, I ALWAYS know what you are going to say" what is HE really saying?

1. Admits he doesn't listen

2. He is saying i am not WORTH listening to.

3. I am boring and repetitive

4. Patronizing as he sees himself as"all knowing"

5 Implying "nagging"

6 Dismissing my hurt feelings as just NOT IMPORTANT.

So last time i gave our relationship another go,12/13 years ago,it wasn't just the previous Violence,( WHICH DIDN'T HAPPEN THAT TIME),OR the threat of it happening again, it was purely his contempt for me,which was so hard to take. When (years later) another guy told me, he is "stalking you because he thinks you will eventually take him back",i was thinking to myself, WHY is he so desperate to have a relationship with me when there are no good memories, or happy times to draw him back in? but that is expecting him to think as a non controlling person,HE HAD happy memories because his wants were fulfilled!!...( In fact he even said that himself!! not directly to me of course!!,years later,2011/12 when he was Baptised,he chose it to be at the seaside where the caravan is!!, where he said he had a lot of" happy memories", i said to the person who relayed this to me , "the rest of us who were there with him don't have any happy memories, because of him!!"I even asked the kids and they agreed!
So he must see relationship as what? ..Just Sexual?..fulfilling his needs?...does he even know me? does he like me, my personality?
NO!!.. Does he love me? NO!......ITS OBSESSION, so he can make me into his version of me..HE HATES ME..the real me, the person deep inside ...He wants to destroy ME, MY SPIRIT, MY WILL TO CHOOSE MY LIFE.

more next time, its getting too much now!!..i need to have a break and do something completely different!!. Its not because i am angry with the way i was treated all those years ago, i have forgiven,God has helped me to let it go, Praise Him.

Prey

I have been thinking a lot recently about the different perceptions of women and men,i wouldn't touch, pat or caress any part of another human beings body, (that i am not related to),is it just me? have i got an overlarge area of personal space? Are men more "touchy feely" than women, or is it that as some feminists say we as women feel like Prey animals?,even in his book "the gift of fear" by Gavin Becker,it says that women have a greater instinct to mistrust others,in the queue at the post office a man stood uncomfortably close behind me, and even though i had been reading up on how to shame them verbally into retreating, i said nothing! but being defiant i did not move an inch,because i felt he was trying to make me move forward, i probably read it wrong, knowing me!
I am out of the house more,and interacting with other people i have come into contact with a lot more men than before,and the social graces are a puzzle to me!.I just thought it was bikers that hugged!
These men are ones i work with to get out the Gospel, and i would trust them with my life,but it just highlights to me that Women's bodies are NOT a no go Zone,and even when we are old and fat,because i have arms put round me,kissed patted hugged, have my pony tailed pulled![happened twice, once by a previously very highpowered retired Ex Policeman!],and have my waist length hair stroked,my cross on my CHEST picked up and examined...another one took off a chain which was attached to my waistcoat front! while i was wearing it!, its not sexual,these are Born again believers,its a puzzle!!
I did not come from an affectionate family AT all,so it was weird to get used too!..But when a very large leather clad Biker gives you a bear hug there is not much you can do about it!! Please don't get the idea that i mind all this affection at all,its just puzzling! must just be men being more affectionate than me!!
The Lord in His gentle way has used this to heal some last vestiges of the past with me,its not many years since my lovely teacher at college reached up to get something from the cupboard above my head and i cringed onto the floor,because he is a Man,so today (12.9.16) it really is GLORY to God,He has healed me so much!this aspect of the whole thing never really was understood by me!! in fact because God has done this in His GENTLE WAY, without me even knowing,from that incidence at College, to the point yesterday when Brian wanted to show someone i was part of the C.M.A, So flattened out my hoodie to show the c.m.a.logo on MY CHEST!! it was on my mind all day! and i finally know why, because God has healed so much of the past and i didn't hit the floor!!GOD is so good, Praise Him!

My Car, apples tree, and the Enemy.

My Old car has been taken away!! i feel quite sad about that although its only gone to have an estimate for repair after it was run into, the poor guy had already been once to to this road, and back to their garage, 35 miles away! i am hoping for good things, a good result from the estimate, it has been almost two months since it was run into! Its a good thing something is being done about it, at last i suppose...still hate for it to be away, so stupid its just a hunk of metal..but to me it represents a promise from the Lord, He told me to get rid of the one i had before and that he had something good for me! I have had it for 13 yrs and only the alternator has ever gone wrong!
Its raining again and has been all week, which means all the weeds in the garden are growing at double speed! its a bit annoying to clear the garden of nettles to have them back again three weeks later!, i pulled them up by the roots but there must have still have been some roots in the ground..
I let the dogs out last night about 1.am, and Suki was staring at something white in the old apple tree,( that was grown from an apple core planted in the ground on the 1930's,) one side of the tree has died and there is a forked branch,i could see whatever it was looking back at me, i think it was a cat, and i had heard something on the metal coal bunker, but i have looked today and its quite a long jump 4-5 feet, probably a cat, but why would it have been outside at that time, maybe its a stray? strange, there are two white cats that come in the day time and sit on the fence at the bottom of the garden, but i have never seen them at night!
I suppose i could just put it down to the strange things that happen at the back of this house, from Nathan seeing a light coming in at the window, and thinking that Aliens were coming in to Kidnap him, Joe seeing a huge creature outside with glowing red eyes, Tashie having apples thrown at her from and empty garden, as she came through the gate at night time from next door where her friend lived then,and i saw a shimmering full size figure round the apple tree..Tashie was sleeping in the back bedroom,(where Nathan and Joe had slept),and i heard her scream "get away from me"i went in straight away, and she was very frightened,and she said she had woken up to feel like something was trying to have sex with her...Incubus.. Even the next door neighbour had seen his back door handle move when there was no one outside, just a few feet from the gate where Joe saw that thing...
I don't want to give the enemy and his tactics too much credit,i know humans have an unhealthy fascination with his methods,its what he uses to draw people in, but it also says in the Word of God not to "be ignorant of the Enemy and his devices" I don't really have a choice! but i don't let it bother me, and i know that The Lord is protecting me and my family, so praise Him for that!!

Brexit,double sunset

Its been a fraught day here in the U.K! we have had the vote for the referendum to leave the European Union! and very surprisingly the "leave vote" had the most votes, 17 million people! now those who lost are not happy and some very nasty things are being said! sad sad sad!! and being the un pleasant thing that it is Facebook is awash with sour grapes,accusations of racism,ageism.but its only one day, i just wish there was as much passion for the Gospel!!

Rain rain go away,come again another day.. and another and another.....

Its raining again, it seems to have been raining here in England for weeks,after a few weeks of good sunny weather, then the deluge! its strange weather...today is the longest day,17 hours of daylight, and a full moon. maybe this has something to do with the weather..(although for most of the c.m.a things we have done the rain has stayed away, even when there has been rain all around us! thank you Lord!!) I am getting the house sorted out,last week i was able to clean up some things that had been bothering me for a while, Ben's not been emptying his bin, and stopped cleaning up after the dogs,so we were able to do that together,and make a new start, sometimes things get overwhelming,but quietly plugging away at things can be the best way to deal with it!
I have replaced the glass in the sliding doors, (i could have done that this week when i would have had the money, but used the money i was going use to go away in the caravan !!i get sort of fixated on doing something and don't think about the consequences until too late!!of course this week i have plenty of money, but not the good weather to go there!)
There has been some terrible things happening in the news,in Orlando in America,a gunman shot dead forty nine people for being gay, i cried with the mothers,sisters fathers who were interviewed on t.v, my dear Sister in Him, Terry Loving wrote a wonderful piece on her site "spiritual side of domestic violence", rebuking a Pastor who said some hateful stuff about Gay People, all i know is that we are all His children,and since i have a friend who has a Gay Son,i feel so sorry for those poor parents.
I have never met a hateful Gay woman or man, but i have met plenty of hateful so called "Christians", and as i have said before my friend from college Michelle was so loving and kind, i even said to her " a lot of people i know would not talk to you" yet lovely Gay Michelle showed more Love, more Christ like Love that those who proudly boast of being called by His Name....
The world has changed so much, and i suppose it is hard for everyone to get used to new things, or new attitudes to Gods children,I am no saint, NO not at all,i have sinned, and i still do, i struggle with Un-forgiveness EVERY day, i think bad thoughts about people who have hurt me for no more good reason than they enjoyed seeing me suffer,but i have heard the Voice of God speak into my hateful thoughts,saying "Don't you think I can make him into the man you need him to be" while i was thinking what a stupid, thick, man my Husband was, Howard! but i still think those very thoughts!! even after i was stopped in my tracks by hearing His actual Voice!! so i fail, i do the wrong thing everyday, i don't deserve His love,i am a filthy rotten sinner, so how dare i ever Judge someone else?....

Good thoughts or bad thoughts

Its been 8 or 9 days since i last posted... while i have been going through i lot of stuff i haven't wanted to share it and i don't really want to now..except for one thing...i wrote a letter to a person, Avril, that i use to be very close to, she was really my best friend, and one day she just cut me off without a word or a reason, the worst part for me was that around the last time that i saw her she had been suicidal...and to be perfectly honest i didn't know if she was alive or dead!..she had blocked me on Facebook but recently unblocked me so i could see she was o.k..which was a sort of relief, i was feeling really angry with her and wrote her a letter, and a private message on Facebook neither of which i sent!!and i know it sounds awful but i don't think i should contact her again,because someone that would cause me that much distress, which affected my whole life doesn't deserve to be in my life, or any sort of acknowledgement from me, they don't deserve my good or bad thoughts, they don't deserve one more moment of my time!I should have been treated better by her, and the others, many ,others who chose not too!!
I expect to have angry,gut wrenching days when i think "how could they" ...but they are getting less and less...i cant tell how many letters i have written, to Howard, to Jon, i even sent one to Avril a few years ago,(which was just a general apology for what ever i could think of that had caused this) but most of the time the letters i write i don't send and tear up when the feelings go!! The Word of God says, "be angry, but don't sin" so being angry in NOT a sin, but anger nursed,fed, eats away at us like a Cancer,so that is why our Loving God has given us the gift of forgiveness, its not a free pass for the bad guys, but for us, to FREE us from the lasting effects of others choices on out lives!
Its hot here, really hot, 23 degrees,we had a rain storm tonight which thankfully has brought the temperature down. I have been working in the garden planting tomatoes,potatoes,and green beans, i have seen a local garden centre which sells plants cheaply, a family run firm, with about four large greenhouses that grow everything from seed themselves! Ben has been getting up earlier now, most day at 11.am,which despite my complaining about it has peeved me a bit because it means i don't have a lot of time to myself!!it was getting me down for a while and i was just sometimes sleeping myself in the day time,it seems like i am never happy!!
Helen is not any better yet...am still waiting for the Lord to heal her.

Losing patience with the Enemies tactics ,Parafin and wires

I am watching Pastor Carter Conlon on t.v, and he is talking about the coming judgement and that we are in bad times but to keep looking to God, a lot of people have been saying this even in the 1960's a guy called Barry McQuire is singing "on the eve of destruction" i am losing patience with the doom sayer's, its been going on for so long, and nothing changes, even Pastor David Wilkerson before Carter Conlon!!...
I think we just need to get on with the Job in hand the "great Commission", to go out and make disciples,bring people to Him,be there where the people are,being a witness,maybe no-one comes to Him,maybe many!! that's not our problem we just have to be in the right place at the right time! It's a hard job, our numbers are low,the Enemy is taking people out, great people,others come in! these sort of worries are the Lord's concern not mine, i have a big enough God to hand it all over to him!
The thing that stood out to me most when Carter Conlon was speaking was the encouragement of the Body of Christ,its a long hard road and its so easy to lose heart,it must be such a hard job to keep the Body of Christ motivated!..but then that's not any persons job anyway its the Holy Spirits. Ben and Darren have both been very close to death in the last two days,God has been protecting them both, a paraffin bottle leaked when Darren was close by smoking, and Ben's charger for his laptops had frayed wires crossing and he could have died if the trip switch had not turned off the Electricity,God protected them,as He always does, Praise Him!