DO Abusers have a conscience?

I have been reading Terry Lovings wonderful blog today 'spiritual side of domestic violence' a Man called Brent who used to be an Abuser had read the blog and felt it was very condeming about men,and said that so 'many men felt really bad about beating and abusing,'I am so glad that he has changed, and He said himself that He has only Done this through Jesus, and TRUE sorrow for his Sin, we are all sinners every one says the Bible, and if it wasn't for the conviction of the Holy Spirit, God, we would all be going to Hell, The un-saved world says that certain Sin,Child sex abusers,Peadophiles,are unforgivable.We know that there are no degrees of Sin,its all the Same In the Lord God's eyes. What really made me think in Brent's reply though, ( I think it might have been on Terry's Post of 'do abusers have a conscience') was that he was talking about the fact that Terry was wrong to say they don't have a conscience,i agree with her,how can a person who hurts a person they say they love have any guilt? In my experience violent Men feel totally justified in their violence, to get what they want, in the book 'why does he do that' the common conclusion is that they do it BECAUSE THEY CAN, and it works for them!..the cleverest abusers even get the victims to believe its their own fault they are beaten!! they 'asked for it'...I have been told this many times! i also believed the lie that they had 'no control over it'...they do!. they bring it out when it suits them, when it is useful for them! I so hope Brent is genuine,but his attitude to the site gives me severe doubts... I have to just re-iterate here that their guilt does not absovle me from From forgiveness, i CAN HONESTLY SAY I HAVE FORGIVEN every punch, kick, even the vile words used to break my Spirit. (I remember Jon's words 'I cant wait until my boys are grown up and they can see what a BITCH YOU ARE' screaming pitch at the end...They are grown up now, and have experienced for themselves his true nature ,neither of them want to be around HIM,...so sad, i would have found that hilariously funny at one time, but now i just feel sad that the Boys have lost out on a Dad,Joe even told me that Mark, my first husband was a better Dad to them, than their own....)But to him even that would be my fault,God Himself knows i have not turned them against Him, His actions did that!..so sad.He would say he loves his Boys more than anything in the world, and yet treats them badly, proves my point really!!.. I know the Bully, (my Sister) in my family, the 'Wicked witch' of the East, as my Dad and i call her,has no conscience, and feels totally justified to ban Ben from family events just because he is Autistic,(and SHE calls herself a 'disability rights activist'!) to the point where my Mum cannot be buried where she wanted to be,because i 'have to say sorry to her first'!! sorry for what i wonder? Not allowing myself to be ordered around?...by a sister 8 years younger than me!..She is a very Hypocritical person,just like Jon and Howard,all controllers are,we are punished for having our OWN opinions,because of course we should only have their opinion on everything!! and we are punished for having the free Will to Exercise that...sad sad people...Yet again like the old Bob Dylan song,'lonely old men with broken teeth lonely without love'I think and pray the saints that actually put up with these people should get free before their Spirits are broken too.I am praying for them!

Dust to dust.

A lady i know has put a post on facebook about a pot who talks to a person who picks it up! the pot talks about just being a lump of mud,being picked up by a man and made into a pot, crying out at each stage 'stop its painful'the man just says wait,its quite a coincidence after my last post! who ever told the story has not made pots before becasue they leave out the first stage of kneading the clay quite roughly, and beating it down then the turning (throwing) it into its final shape,and the firing when the strength comes,the main point of the story is though that the Pot crys out at every painful stage, yet at the end is made into something beautiful,(and functional)!the muddly clay is turned into something so different and stronger!. In the funeral service it says we are nothing but dust,'dust to dust'in Genesis it says that the Lord makes us from dust!So when we are going through testing times we cry out to God for release,but we are going through the moulding proces to make us strong,Unfortunately we always learn more through Bad things than good!...

Lies,vomiting, and His Lessons.

Its half term,Max (my Grandson) has been staying with me,he said to me 'you dont listen',his speech is not very clear sometimes,and i did have Ben talking to me at the same time! I hope i am a good listener!, i thought i was, because i am a quiet person people do confide in me,a lot, more than i want to hear sometimes!! I went to the Biker Church near Warrington on the 2nd of February,and i wasn't going to ask Mike,i felt still annoyed with Him,but a situation came about when i saw him and he asked me outright when the next Meeting was!!, and un-usually for me,i couldn't think of a way to get out of telling him without lying!! so i reluctantly told him it was the next day,Sandra was annoyed too, when i told her, (both of them are very talkative, and it can be VERY irritating when i am trying to concentrate... God knew what he was doing though, because on the way back i was ill, Vomiting, i could not have driven,we could have taken all night to get back if he hadn't been there!)..Its an Hour and Half journey, which took two and half to get back because of all the stops i had to make!!.. God had a lesson in it for me though!(He always does!)i felt He was trying to show me that i was humiliated by being ill in front of others,and thats how Mike feels when He is ill,the Male ego being what it is it must be very much harder for them, dont understand Male ego at all!

Broken Pot

Its only february, and yet the garden is starting to wake up,except the frogs in the small pond, ususally by now the males are croaking for the females to come and mate with them, not this year! Maybe its becasue the garden was blitzed last year by my son-in-law Andy, it was overgrown in some parts,a bit weedy too and because it is very good soil we have many many slugs and snails, so it can be hard to grow things like lettuce,last Autumn i planted many onions, and Garlic, and some over wintering potatoes,which hardly grew, probably because of the extreme rain this year...so it was a painful thing to see a lot of the plants i had nurtured swept away by Andys shovel....some i had just put in too! It reminds me of the dream i had where i was in a field,surounded on all sides by houses,a man said this is all yours,was it new beginings? i suppose the garden before was so overgrown it was becoming too hard for me to handle, and i couldnt really grow what i really wanted to.. so its a new begining, a new oppurtunity,from a fuitless jungle i am soon to have fruit, well broad beans which survived all sorts of nasty chemicals thrown on to them!a lot died but not all! When i first came back to the Lord,the Lord put a picture in my mind of an EarthenWare pot, which had many cracks,almost every part had been broken, and stuck back together,and then it was new! NO CRACKS, a new creation, i knew God was saying that was me,and i was new,I had stuck myself back together when i had tried to fix myself in the world away from Him,but because i forgave the 'breakers' i was restored, stronger than before. No broken vessel can really function any more there will always be leaks...i was the new vessel for Him to pour His love and Healing in!Praise Him!.. He is the Potter, and i am the Clay.and i am not thrown away as the world does,when i threw pots i remember the process before of kneading the Clay, its thrown down roughly,beaten,just like kneading pastry,to get the impurities out,to make it pliable to be used, its not strong enough with out this,there is a lesson in there somewhere for us!not sure quite what yet though!

Sola Scriptorum.

Im still rather Puzzled by someones reply,Steve Finnell, the only follower i have! he has many many more!If you look at the reply comment he left it actually seems to have nothing to do with what i was talking about! 'less than Human' entry yesterday...very strange, he say on his blog that the book of 'mormon should be read'does this mean he is a latter day saint, its very difficult to tell unless he is willing to Engage with me, apart from a Barage of Scripture,i do engage with others with different beliefs to me.I have read up about what Mormons (Latter day Saints ) believe, and i am not impressed at all,Joseph Smith the founder, was a Criminal, its well documented in many courts in the U.S,they used to believe that Black people went to a lower part of heaven than whites,that women cannot be saved unless they were married,and what to me is most disturbing, that Jesus is the brother of Satan..They are entitled to their beliefs,but i have my beliefs and do not wish to change!I believe in Sola scriptorum, by scripture alone. I would not call myself a 'keyboard Evangelist ' as he does,i am not called as an Evangelist! if anything i just want to document my daily life,but mostly the struggles that God brings me through, and i guess my learning process of depending more on God everyday,i write it for me,and i know it is public,if anyone wants to share it with me they are welcome to read it too!as you are now! I welcome comments,but dont want to be preached at, i dont preach at others, so i expect the same courtesy! I am interested in others everyday stories,the ones where they learn from their mistakes in their walks with God.God bless everyone who reads my Story! xx

LESS THAN HUMAN?

A Man called David Silvester caused outrage in Britain last month by saying that the flooding experienced by people in Somerset, a southern county of England, were caused by the Government passing a Law to allow Gay Marriage, years ago when Israel gave up the Gaza strip to help with the Peace process, the exact same number of People were displaced from New Orleans as in Gaza,America was instrumental in the negotiations to give up Gaza,I saw an excellent programe on television last night about the Mighty river that burst its banks,in New Orleans,(cant spell it and don't have spell check)!!!
It was really sad to see that even now after all these years most of the homes have not been re-built,and to hear that the land was given to Ex-slaves,because it was too 'dangerous' to build houses for white people,it was shocking. To the rest of the world how slowly these poor black people received help,was appalling,would it have been the same if they were white?..And today Samuel L Jackson, was mistaken for another wonderful black actor, Laurence Fishburn,and the white reporter was really told off by Samuel L Jackson!
Oprah Winfrey said in an Interview that her Grandmothers dearest hope for her was that she would get 'good white folks', that lady who cared about Oprah so much could only aspire that much! its a shame she cant see Oprah's success today! and to see President Obama enter the Government building that was built by Black slaves, its Inspiring for all of us! i am Half Irish, and at one time the Irish were treated as the lowest of the low,so i can identify in some small way!
Was the Potato Famine a Judgement of GOD against my Race?...I don't know and wouldn't presume to say, all i know is that in these terrible events its always the poor and needy who suffer,and in Psalm 72 God says 'the poor and needy's blood is precious in My sight'

HYPOCRITES HYPOCRITES, ALL ARE HYPOCRITES

I am feeling annoyed today, last night the neighbours came back drunk shouting and laughing loudly at 12.30 a.m, it didn't wake me up because i was already awake,because Ben does not sleep until 2.am at the moment, and yet when Ben was making a small amount of noise,at the same time, but on a week day when they had to get up at 6 am, he complained and threatened to go to the Council...i stayed up with Ben until 5 am to get him into a better sleep Pattern,and offered to move Ben's bed away from the party wall where it had been for years, as their bed is right up against the other side of it,so Nathan and Zannie, came round and painstakingly move the bedroom round,there was a lot of shouting and banging things around from Ben later,but he slept there that night, and next day moved it all back to the original position on his own!!, it had take 3 of us to move it the day before!!! So in the end i thought i really is not work upsetting him like that, its been that way for at least 15 years, the neighbours can move their bed if they want to, they have only been there a few years! He had thanked me the day before we moved everything that Ben was being quiet,but as i had said i would move the furniture i still did do it..not to much avail though! I suppose what i am trying to get to in a very long winded way- sorry! is that we are all hypocritical,we all feel aggrieved when we see someone else behave this way, but can't see it when we do the same! How can we be so blind to our own actions?....Jesus said we seek to take the speck out of someone elses eye, ignoring the plank in our own!!,my friend Pete used to say when we point the finger at others we have three pointing back at us! is it true do we see the un-saved's actions more vividly once we are saved? I seem too,don't really know why!, i suppose it could be that because we have the Holy Spirt in us we become more sensitive to Sin..I do, i wince when someone takes the Lords name in Vain, almost as swear word, i used to do it..sometimes without thinking i still do... HYPOCITES ALL,EVERY ONE HAS FALLEN SHORT...the only person who never Sinned was Jesus,he lived to show us we could do better,to treat others as we would want to be treated,its a big responsibility!

The thin edge of the Wedge.

How much does God actully work in our everyday lives,i suppose most believers would acknowledge that He saves us from many bad things, like accidents, He preserves our lives until He decides to take us Home! I have been thinking about how much He leads us in our actions and thoughts, deeds in our day to day lives?..The un-believers would say that 'how can one Being possibly have the capacity to be involved with the intimate lives of billions of us on Earth?,but because we believe He is The,Omnisient,Omnipresent,Omnipitant Almighty God He exists in all times and in all places,i.e me losing my keys, and the subsquent frustration and anger this generates,is important to Him. Does He intervene, does He care..? We believe one day that the Day of Judgement will come,a day when everyone will stand before Him and Judged,for our Sin,and of course those who have accepted Christ as Lord and Saviour will be seen as Christ to Him, (the Judge) because we are forgiven, and the price was paid by him. Our actions will be played back as if by video, and those who never claim to have heard the Gospel will be shown when they were told.So our lives are observed and recorded,our tears are saved the Bible says.Those who have not accepted Christ will go to eternal punishment, not to' separation from God' as some believe, but a Place,the Bible very clearly say that it is a Place,in the centre of the Earth, we all know its Name. One preacher Frank, said God was not interested if we lose our Keys, not interested in the little things.The 'little things' are different to different people,an Obsessive Compulsive person is only interested in the 'little things'.An Autistic person finds security and comfort in the small everyday routine..If Ben loses his keys it will upset and worry him for days. What is the Enemies role in the everyday irritations? we all know that these mundane iritaions can build into bad temper,rudeness to others, SIN..So... if the Enemies goal is to separate us from God by goading us to sin, the 'small iritations 'are an Ideal begining, the 'thin edge of the wedge' So in conclusion God does work in our everyday lives, ALL our lives not just those who believe,He sees the young abused child, the Business Man,the Politician, every one of us all the time,if we believe in Him at all we must know this, He says 'I will never leave you or forsake you'..NEVER NEVER NEVER... Prayer Thank you Lord for who you are, that you never leave us,Praise You Lord.Amen

My fellow walkers.

So the Lord has been speaking to me about my responsibility's to others, specifically my friends,i have been reading about 'leaving them behind' in some of the past posts!...,
Yes i did feel they were isolating me, leaving me behind, but are my 'feelings' nothing to do with my responsibilities to them? ..
NO,I think the Lord means He has put them in my life,and that comes with commitment on my side regardless of them!!..Its about ME not them, if they hurt me and abandon me...that's tough really!! ..
Even if they won't talk to me, I CAN STILL PRAY FOR THEM!!I SHOULD pray for them, but being a weak human i don't always do what i should, God is still dealing with me about forgiveness, and even the fact that i think to myself 'they have the right not to be bothered by me when they are walking through bad stuff' and i leave them alone...
I even said to Andre that i was 'finished with Mike' i was annoyed he had put the phone down on me..I still have no right to abandon them in ANY WAY, as i did with Andre, for FIVE YEARS..God forgive me. (i think i know when God is speaking to me,cos this stuff flows out of me, which i don't really understand, BUT when i look back on it it seems really profound...trouble is of course i have no right to be proud cos it wasn't me in the first place!!)
So God is saying, 1.I really don't have a choice,to (give up on them.) 2. They are His,i am put there for their good.(because He loves them.) So this is what He is telling me over the last few days, my life and walk with God is irrevocably tied up in those He has given me, its NOT AN ACCIDENT, its His plan.No DEBATE. so now what do i do about Sandra...that's another problem...Lord help me!!....

Frances.

So it has been a very intersting few weeks since i last posted,my dear friend Frances died on the 19th january aged 94! she was such an inspiration to me, and yes i did cry when i found out she had died, not like Andrew and Lexie, who jumped and praised for joy that she had gone home to be with her Saviour!!!...I know i will see her again,she is singing with the Angels now and would not wish herself back! I having been trying to sum up her influence in my life over the past week, i really can't quantify it,we went to a weekly prayer meeting,all day,we would pray for everyone we knew, those in need, and while Frances was not the loudest most talkative of the women,i really wanted to hear her input more than anyone elses,i guess i could call her my spiritual mother, and while she had no natural children, at her funeral i met some of her spiritual daughters, who will bless the Lord for her life till the day we die, and hope to be to younger women even a small part of what she was to us. There were other older women in the group,who i was friends with,but looking back at their influence, and example,they were nowhere up to her standard. An instance would be, one of them (Dot) said that Frances although a Missionary never actually helped the Indians or Nepalalese, i learned at ther funeral that she delivered many Babies to the Indian women, (she told me herself she cleaned out the " latrines" herself too).So the difference is that the women who said nasty thngs about Frances were nasty about others, even Me, who was supposed to be their friend!!, SHE never said a bad word about anyone!