God's solution

so... have been looking up my old posts, (a great aid when you have a bad memory!..).,oct 19th, the community Police officer rang me and  said' i have spoken to my Sergeant and if he approaches you again (tries to speak to me) he will be arrested and charged with harrasment'!!!..Brilliant..so if he does and its at the church, inevitable really.. HE WILL be causing the situation.,i did not choose this he did!!..

Hard decisions.

I have some hard decisions to make over the next few weeks,i should be praying and asking God, hopefully He will make it clear soon. Do i stay and fight, not be driven out of a church i have been going to for 15 years? Or do i give in, run away again, only to have the same problem in a few months when my new church is discovered, and he will start going there too....
I know him well enough to know that he is getting angry because after Eight months i have not spoken too or engaged with him in any way, it scares me, he scares me.I am frightened he will kill me one day.
God has told me that it is nearing an end now, but no details about what to do.Will he just give up and leave? When me and Mike and Nathan went there for lunch, he was sitting alone at a table, the Pastors wife went to sit next to him,and said 'you have a grandson with..', and looked over at me,( the old lie that he is the father of my daughter).
I did not hear this but Nathan told me later, and was very annoyed that he was still telling people those lies, none of my children believe this lie, and they know he was just saying it to cause trouble foe me.
Elizabeth in Newtown says i need to talk to the Pastor about what he has done, so he can be challenged by a man about his behaviour,(she said his actions were 'satanic')
When i was born again i forgave all the bad things done to me in the past,including being raped by him,(Howard)and i have forgiven him for causing trouble by the lie.So do i have the right to tell anyone what has been done to me? ( no-one understands why i am so afraid without the full information) ...( i forgave the man who raped me and then married him!..to be completely honest i did not recognise it as Rape until years later).
I am waiting in trepidation for his next move, it maybe that he will complain to the Pastor that i ignore him, hoping that they will 'talk' to me about it, and i will be obliged to do it.In that case can i tell the full truth?
There is also the Solicitors Letter, which i have taken to keeping with me when out,it states that 'he is not to talk to me or try to approach me in any way' What happens if he talks to me, and i have to call the Police,as his only chance of engaging me is at the church? The balls in his court now,but i do know that God is in charge, and to be scared is disobedience, not trusting Him to look after me.

Biting my tongue

Why do people who hardly know us think they know what is best for us? ...and that they are fully entitled to tell us what to do,?!.... being a quiet thoughtful person i have encountered 'friends' like this in the past,people who think i need 'pushing' (forcing);in a certain direction. they of course are the 'if i were you' and the most recent 'you wanna...' Oh Lord preserve me from the Bossy of this world.!...
What i want to know is HOW did i survive all these years, bring up Five children single handed, without them, or their unsolicited, UNWANTED advice?...its a mystery!....Certain Christians Speakers call them 'Grace growers'....those who the Enemy uses to bring us to our knees,I suppose its like the piece of grit in an Oyster. around it grows the Pearl! So that's why God allows it......(so although i would rather call them, something else!!...through 'gritted teeth, biting my tongue. 'grace growers.'....)

sola scriptorum

At the prayer meeting last night we were discussing re-marriage,as a King James reader Mike and i believe what the Bible says, and live by it, in other words 'sola scriptorum',(bible alone),our friend a divorced lady in her 40's who was forced against her will into an arranged marriage at sixteen, talking about a young man who at 25 has just come to the Lord,he is divorced,and now has a girlfriend.
In Mathew 19  Jesus clearly says that 'he who marries a woman put away(divorced) by her husband commits fornication by re-marrying.Her response was a 'loving God would not want L(the young convert) to live alone the rest of his life' My question is, would God go against the very words of Jesus,NO NO NO.
Does God go against His word, the bible? .....NEVER....No, its easy to 'cherry pick' just accept the comfortable parts of the Bible, and reject the challenging, convicting parts....
(I must declare that as a new christian, i have re-married,while my first husband is still alive, but i did it against advice, as a brand new believer, i was not shown the Bible, and probably would have rejected it anyway, so determined was i to do WHAT I WANTED,i have repented of that many times,and have divorced him.).On the grounds of adultery was told at the time by the Pastor who brought me to Him,that there 'would be consquences' and oh boy there have,!!..even now 17 yrs later i regret the day it happened, not just because the Ex is a stalker, but because i disobeyed, and am STILL paying the price.So i speak from experience, knowing the heavy price for disobedience....
The saying ' a loving God would not...' really annoys me!....Who are we to decide what God would or would not do? Not only do we tell Him what to do, but make a 'God 'we want Him to be,and it goes along with the worlds view of a helpless Jesus, a baby or helpless victim on the cross, was He helpless in the temple with the money changers? He is a just God,we cannot expect Him just to turn a blind eye when we Sin, and yet judge the world on Judgement day!!!...
How does the Holy Spirit use Sin to teach us?  by convicting us!!!... we know deep inside that Sin is wrong.
Of course it also says further on in Mathew, that some cannot accept the celibate life,almost as if He knows that the church would come to the point where Re-marriage would happen, regardless of what Scripture says!!... an older Brother who has now gone onto Glory once told me that pointing the finger at others never works,because we HAVE THREE OTHERS POINTING BACK AT US!!!...Praise God for who He is,He loves us,and paid the Ultimate Price so we would not have to Answer for our Sins!!
Did Mohamed die for those he led?.., Did Buddha?... Allah?... NO, NO, NO!..

My Estranged Father restored to me

 Wonderful to see my Estranged father yesterday, after 25 years, thats been the thing i have been anticipating and kept quiet til now, i didn't want anyone to spoil it,and there are people in my family who hate him so much that they would  try to do that, very sad, i was quite emotional afterwards as it was so sad to have missed all those years,but as Mike says in the Word of God it says that He will 'restore the years the locusts have eaten' Praise Him

Steves blog, and 'blood on our hands'

Great to read Steve Finnels blog,a real man of God, and as he says not an 'ear tickling', but the truth,times too short,it says somewhere in the Bible that if we are not truthful the 'blood is on our hands',He holds us responsible,I used to be frightened of the reaction, that people would call me Bible Basher,and they did, and they rejected God,but it is their choice,and when they appear before God on the day of judgement they can never deny that they heard the truth.

Sleeplesness, and bad dreams

Mike and Darren came round yesterday, (it was a real answer to prayer that d came as he was seeming to lose interest), Mike prayed that i would have a good nights sleep, and i had fallen asleep and dreamt that Tash was walking around with her head cut off.....So i prayed again and asked for forgiveness for any unconfessed sin,so Praise Him i did spend the rest of the night with no more bad dreams, and slept quite well.Darren was joining in well and prayed too last night,it was great to have a prayer meeting like that!!..

Poltergiests and Apples

So tired,really active day yesterday,took my Grandson to play football, with his Grandad, Nathan and Ben,seemed to have a good time,his cheeks were very red from running around so much, a really nice family time together,later i went to the Gym,my legs are aching a bit today!..
Quite a few exciting things are happening in the next few weeks, but i cant talk about them at the moment,i was woken today by someone calling me,'Mum' asked Ben if he was o.k, but he said it wasn't  him. Very odd....when i first moved in here i used to hear kids calling their Mum, but they weren't mine...we prayed before sleep that we wouldn't have bad dreams,and a good nights sleep, but i slept badly,and it must have been a bad dream, that's the problem with having the gift of Discernment of Spirts,i tend to have to live a lot more with the 'supernatural' stuff than other believers.I get some odd dreams, i know God speaks to us through dreams,through quiet words 'dropped' into our spirits, and on one occasion a disembodied Deep Voice...bit scary...but as i have said i won't talk about certain people i cant talk about that!!!...What other people call 'ghosts' are just the servants of the Enemy, i have experienced a lot of that before the Lord told me how to deal with that.The house i live in is over 100 years old, and before i knew the Lord a lot of stuff happened,objects would fly across the room,strange face appeared on photos taken in the house, t.v's turned themselves over.My daughter has had apples thrown at her at night from an empty garden, and footsteps on the stairs at night time when every one is in Bed.
A movement caught my attention going past my room the other night when i couldn't sleep, and the next morning Ben told me he had dreamed someone coming through his door,(have to walk past my room to get to his).. So i have to keep on top of all this Enemy activity,God has given me the tools to do it , so it is my responsibility

Prayer and Felowship

Wonderful meeting today with some older christian ladies,and a lovely time of fellowship with the lady i took with me,and also another lady who i have known for a long time,who smuggled bibles into china.So nice to fellowship with some other ladies who are on the same wavelength.Really refreshing, the Enemy of out soul did the best he could to stop it but my Lord is victorious! Hallelujah!

Dear Brothers,gone to Glory

Heard the news that two brothers in the Lord died, one was 76, a lovely Guy, who was Mikes friend for years,the other was from the church i was saved into, Mark, and american, a lovely man, only about my age,his wife was instrumental in discipling me when i first got saved, sad at first,but we know where they have gone, and we will see them again. Praise the Lord for them and their lives.

Overcomer,through a glass darkly.

I have just been reading the card board testimonies again, what jumped out was 'OVERCOMER', feel a bit doubtful about that today.....what have i overcome? everything i have overcome has been the Lord,He has done it,i should be happy with that....and i am, very happy that i am not that lost child in the wilderness anymore,i suppose it comes down to that old argument,where believers believe that God ordains everything,everything is done according to Gods will,we have no free will...Or He knows what we will chose...its hard to know what to believe,i suppose its just one of those mystery's we will only know the answers to when we meet the Lord.'through a glass darkly' at the moment!!!...Pre tribulation,Post tribulation, is another of those debates that each side believes they have bible verses to justify...puzzling!...

Dark Triad

I have read a very interesting article in the Daily mail about the Psychology of violent men,its called the Dark Triad Personality,they are,
Self Obsession ( narcissism)
Pyscothopah(y), ...callousness, thrill seeking
Machiavellianism...( deceitful and exploitative nature)
This was from the University of Bradley in Illinois,'Dark Triad Traits have more partners, and more short term relationships,these personalities are universal across cultures. High Dark Triad Scorers are more active in short term mating, and  more active in Poaching others partners for brief affairs.At the most extreme these traits are HIGHLY unattractive,leading to the men being shut off from society,the Strategy is most successful when Dark Triad Personalities are RARE, otherwise others become WARY and guarded , and strategy would BACKFIRE.'
So interesting!... you would think this Professor has met several of my Ex's!!! what he says is so true, they live isolated lives now, alone of course!!!!..one of them the Father of my two youngest,has fleeting relationships with young girls,who seem to be the only ones who put up with him, for a short time anyway! ( several ones have been in care,or from broken homes where fathers are absent, he is 45 now, and most relevant relationship was with 15yr old, who now in her twenties claims to be Gay)!!!Of course what is not so funny is that his son is known around town as the 'son of the Peado'....

Rubbish and willow

Feeling really good, got rid of a whole load of rubbish that had been hanging round for a while , after my daughter Tash had moved out, she came and sorted it, and we took it to the Tip,feels good,going up there to check and sort some stuff later,its an attic converted into a bedroom.Feels great to sort that would love to get out in the garden to dig, and finish making another border, where there have been paving slabs down for years,but i have too much to do in the house today.Getting everything sorted out gradually,very cathartic, as people say.! Got loads of tomato seeds just breaking the surface of the seed trays,some seed my Ex husband, (the good one!) gave me which he said were tomato's, look very oniony at the moment...oops...
I love spring,which is not officially here yet, 21st March here in U.K.i love growing things,Mark,(onion seeds!) was going to cut back a weeping willow tree, which was just a twig when i planted it,20yrs ago, now its overtaken the whole garden, which is long and narrow,the leaves hang down and stop the sun and rain in the summer, but when he tried to cut it he said it was too hard to cut the branches.....chainsaw next..
Well got through a whole post without mentioning the ##, the bad one anyway!.....

More Activity

Going to try hard not to mention my Ex-husband again, if i do i am doing exactly what he wants me to do which is of course think about him!!!!
I am trying hard to be more active as well,i know i am disabled, but i can do stuff in short bursts, along with healthier eating, i am hoping to lose some weight,i am sick of my own excuses!
Good prayer meeting with Mike Saturday night and lovely meal at his yesterday, we went to the Sunday market, it started hailing and Mike was able to buy some very good meat deals..!...

Source of all Light

Feeling a lot better today,bit annoyed to read that my daughter still has the Ex look after my grandson.Had a good prayer meeting yesterday, i prayed a lot, despite not wanting to go....so obviously the key here is that we,i, anyone should not listen to feelings because they could be a lie, from the enemy of our souls, just to stop us obeying God.
I am ashamed to say that i listen to my feelings far too much, and allow myself to be influenced.It is a strange thing that when i first got saved i thought i was not such a bad person,( after initial repentance of course!!) And yet now i feel i let God down every day, i feel more of a sinner now!!!... of course logically that cant be true, God has dealt with so much,brought so much up to be repented of...So i am better for knowing him, but the closer i get to the most perfect and Holy Being the dirtier i feel, His perfect Light shines into every corner,He says 'I am the the Light of the world'
When i had a vision of being taken to heaven His was the literal light of the world, It came straight from the Fathers Throne, too bright to see,it was living, pure love.Light shines from Jesus too, so much i couldn't see his face, but His feet,with the nail holes.

Blessings and Angels

well despite everything i let myself get into a right state yesterday, i rang the doctor and could not get an appointment for two weeks, i told them i was having chest pain and they had the doctor ring me,he said it was unlikely to be a heart attack....still got sent to hospital, but am taking the anti-biotics.I have seen 4/5 of my kids today, and my darling little angel of a grandson too! wonderful....God is good , I have been really blessed,children are a precious gift from God, i do appreciate that some people cant have children, i dont understand how hard that must be...