Sunday 25 November 2012
A Sunny day, and hope at last?..........
So i have a small inkling of hope growing......I want my life Back, not have to feel like i have to watch my back every time i leave the house, i want to feel safe. Will a piece of Paper give me that, will fear of arrest? i dont know....watch this space...........
In between places again
Today i am grateful to God for peace and quiet, which may not last for too long with what is coming up! my ex-stepson is coming back from China for Christmas,he is an English teacher there.I cant say what will be happening soon, the beginning of this week.Still feel like i am in the in 'between places'.
I had a strange dream last night but i am not sure if it was from the Lord or not because i forgot to pray that any dreams would only be from Him,i cant remember the beginning, but in the end i remember making a phone call to Ben's grandad, and saying how sorry i was because their son had died, Ben and Joe's dad.There is no love lost between me and Him, he was violent too,and A Psychologist once said the 'trauma' of seeing me beaten up was the reason Ben is Autistic.
I expect the two boys would be upset, but i mostly felt sorry for his parents.
I had a strange dream last night but i am not sure if it was from the Lord or not because i forgot to pray that any dreams would only be from Him,i cant remember the beginning, but in the end i remember making a phone call to Ben's grandad, and saying how sorry i was because their son had died, Ben and Joe's dad.There is no love lost between me and Him, he was violent too,and A Psychologist once said the 'trauma' of seeing me beaten up was the reason Ben is Autistic.
I expect the two boys would be upset, but i mostly felt sorry for his parents.
Wednesday 21 November 2012
First Volley set to fire,waiting for the signal......
Today i am grateful to God for the strength to get through yesterday, i cant give specifics yet,but the Matresses are out, the first volley has been set to fire, and i am waiting for news of 'Battleready'...
I feel like going out and starting the Battle, but i will have to see what God wants me to do,i know where the Enemy will be,at certain times..... lets see what happens! God knows the begining from the end! He is always Victorious in Battle!!!!......
I feel like going out and starting the Battle, but i will have to see what God wants me to do,i know where the Enemy will be,at certain times..... lets see what happens! God knows the begining from the end! He is always Victorious in Battle!!!!......
Monday 19 November 2012
My diary aged 8 - 11...,1966
25th June 1966, the day this was bought,(an Exercise book, my mum bought me and encouraged me to write in)
Clontacally Primary school, Carryduff, Belfast.
Today is Saturday,It is warm and the sun is out.We went to Supermac.We got lots of things at Supermac, and this book.
26th June 1966
Today is Sunday. It is a sunny day today, and the sun is out today.
27th June 1966
Today is Monday, the sun is not out today, but it my come out later on today.
1st July 1966
Today is Friday.It is very warm, and the sun is out, I was out playing all day,a girl called Fiona came to play she stayed all day, but she came to visit her Grandmother.My Grandmother might come here tomorrow and visit us , she is my Daddy's mother, and she might bring us something, she gave me a real watch on my birthday 12th June, and i got a pencil case.
2nd July 1966
Today is Saturday,
The rain came on this morning,when we, that is Daddy, Mummy, Michael and me went to Supermac, we went on the Bus,but Daddy has a car, but it is in Dublin, where he works,it was bought in Dublin, but he couldn't bring it up here, but a man said that he can bring it up here for only three months.I'll tel you why, my Mummy is having a Baby,and she will be having the baby this month or next.
3rd July 1966
Today is Sunday. It is very warm today, and the sun is out, tomorrow at 5o'clock in the morning Daddy will get up and get his breakfast and at 6o'clock he will go outside, and wait for a man to pick him up, and take Daddy with him to Dublin.
5th July 1966
today is tuesday,
It is raining today and we went to Supermac,but we didn't get a lot of things because we had to for the bus,but before that we had to go to the doctor because my neck was banged against the wall, that is why.
6ht July
Today is Wednesday it is very windy today,but the sun is out Daddy has gone to Dublin as i said on Sunday, he is gone for five days, and stays only two days.
7th July
Today is Thursday,
It looks like it is windy and cold but when you get outside it is So WARM. When i was down the road at the little shop, and when i was coming back i was sweating and sweating,it was so hot, now for some of my own news Daddy has gone to Dublin and he'll come back tonight.
8th July
Today is Friday. Grandma came up to see us, and she brought some sweets for me and Michael.
19th July
Today is Sunday,It is very warm this morning, and the sun is out.I got up this morning and Mummy was up , but Daddy didn't get up til ten-o-clock, and before Mummy got up Michael was up, you see Michael is always the first one up in the morning, and when he gets me and Mummy up, then he goes back to bed, and gets his breakfast in bed, that's what i would like.
2nd August
Today is Tuesday, i know the sun is out,it is my friends birthday today, she is a girl and so am I
8th August
Today is Monday, my Mummy went to hospital to have a baby,she went very early this morning
7th September
Today is Wednesday,It is warm the Sun s out,I have a new baby sister, It was born on 25th August 1966,My friend Karen came to visit us, and they brought a caravan, we had marmite and listened to the Beatles in the caravan.
25th January 1967
Today is Wednesday
I am very sick, yesterday the doctor came before that i was so ill i did not want to go to bed, Mummy said i had to cause i was very ill. I now live in Dublin and i go to another school, it is Sutton Park in Sutton,when i got this book i was seven, but now i am eight.my little sister is now 5 months old at Christmas i got a bike, and Michael did as well.( It was a Raleigh Robin hood, adult size for an 8yr old?, my parents believed in 'growing into' things, school clothes always too big!!, worn out by the time they fitted)
5th February
Today is Wednesday,It is not a very nice day today, the wind is blowing, and it is cold, it is raining as well, i am not very well, I have Asthma and a bad cold as well, my little Sister is five and a half months old,now she can get around we put her on a sheet in the Dining room, My Daddy is in England now for a week, he will bring us some things if we are good,
7th May 1967
Today is Sunday, I have just got up and my baby sister is learning to walk, she is very good at it and she can crawl, and sh is very good at it, my brother always draws in this book, and if he does it again i will be very cross with him. I BASH HIM it still counts
22nd May 1967
it was a windy day today,My brother Michael has learned to ride his bike with out the side wheels, one day he had left his bike outside and a boy had took it,and just because he did not want to ride it with the side wheels, he rode a long was and broke the side wheels off, we will be going back to England to live
1970, we live in Chester now, and i am 11 years old ( nearly twelve)
1974, we live in shrewsbury now, and i am 16 and half years old.
Clontacally Primary school, Carryduff, Belfast.
Today is Saturday,It is warm and the sun is out.We went to Supermac.We got lots of things at Supermac, and this book.
26th June 1966
Today is Sunday. It is a sunny day today, and the sun is out today.
27th June 1966
Today is Monday, the sun is not out today, but it my come out later on today.
1st July 1966
Today is Friday.It is very warm, and the sun is out, I was out playing all day,a girl called Fiona came to play she stayed all day, but she came to visit her Grandmother.My Grandmother might come here tomorrow and visit us , she is my Daddy's mother, and she might bring us something, she gave me a real watch on my birthday 12th June, and i got a pencil case.
2nd July 1966
Today is Saturday,
The rain came on this morning,when we, that is Daddy, Mummy, Michael and me went to Supermac, we went on the Bus,but Daddy has a car, but it is in Dublin, where he works,it was bought in Dublin, but he couldn't bring it up here, but a man said that he can bring it up here for only three months.I'll tel you why, my Mummy is having a Baby,and she will be having the baby this month or next.
3rd July 1966
Today is Sunday. It is very warm today, and the sun is out, tomorrow at 5o'clock in the morning Daddy will get up and get his breakfast and at 6o'clock he will go outside, and wait for a man to pick him up, and take Daddy with him to Dublin.
5th July 1966
today is tuesday,
It is raining today and we went to Supermac,but we didn't get a lot of things because we had to for the bus,but before that we had to go to the doctor because my neck was banged against the wall, that is why.
6ht July
Today is Wednesday it is very windy today,but the sun is out Daddy has gone to Dublin as i said on Sunday, he is gone for five days, and stays only two days.
7th July
Today is Thursday,
It looks like it is windy and cold but when you get outside it is So WARM. When i was down the road at the little shop, and when i was coming back i was sweating and sweating,it was so hot, now for some of my own news Daddy has gone to Dublin and he'll come back tonight.
8th July
Today is Friday. Grandma came up to see us, and she brought some sweets for me and Michael.
19th July
Today is Sunday,It is very warm this morning, and the sun is out.I got up this morning and Mummy was up , but Daddy didn't get up til ten-o-clock, and before Mummy got up Michael was up, you see Michael is always the first one up in the morning, and when he gets me and Mummy up, then he goes back to bed, and gets his breakfast in bed, that's what i would like.
2nd August
Today is Tuesday, i know the sun is out,it is my friends birthday today, she is a girl and so am I
8th August
Today is Monday, my Mummy went to hospital to have a baby,she went very early this morning
7th September
Today is Wednesday,It is warm the Sun s out,I have a new baby sister, It was born on 25th August 1966,My friend Karen came to visit us, and they brought a caravan, we had marmite and listened to the Beatles in the caravan.
25th January 1967
Today is Wednesday
I am very sick, yesterday the doctor came before that i was so ill i did not want to go to bed, Mummy said i had to cause i was very ill. I now live in Dublin and i go to another school, it is Sutton Park in Sutton,when i got this book i was seven, but now i am eight.my little sister is now 5 months old at Christmas i got a bike, and Michael did as well.( It was a Raleigh Robin hood, adult size for an 8yr old?, my parents believed in 'growing into' things, school clothes always too big!!, worn out by the time they fitted)
5th February
Today is Wednesday,It is not a very nice day today, the wind is blowing, and it is cold, it is raining as well, i am not very well, I have Asthma and a bad cold as well, my little Sister is five and a half months old,now she can get around we put her on a sheet in the Dining room, My Daddy is in England now for a week, he will bring us some things if we are good,
7th May 1967
Today is Sunday, I have just got up and my baby sister is learning to walk, she is very good at it and she can crawl, and sh is very good at it, my brother always draws in this book, and if he does it again i will be very cross with him. I BASH HIM it still counts
22nd May 1967
it was a windy day today,My brother Michael has learned to ride his bike with out the side wheels, one day he had left his bike outside and a boy had took it,and just because he did not want to ride it with the side wheels, he rode a long was and broke the side wheels off, we will be going back to England to live
1970, we live in Chester now, and i am 11 years old ( nearly twelve)
1974, we live in shrewsbury now, and i am 16 and half years old.
OCTOBER 4TH 1975
OCTOBER 4TH, 1975,(aged 17)
Well hello, how are ya baby! anyway enough of the Kojak for now, it seems such a lot of things have happened since i last wrote in here!!.. i always say that!! sorry!! since July 1st, when i last wrote,but when i actually think about it not much, its only things that would have not been of interest to anyone but me..but if you don't mind i will try to put them down anyway so it reminds me when i read this,Bruce my boyfriend went off on holiday to Greece,late July,early August, for three weeks,his oldest brother got married to a Greek girl,i have met her earlier this year, but i don't really know if i told you?i don't think i did!
NO!! HOW COULD I FORGET!i don't know whether i have said but i have a younger brother called Mike,he was 14 yesterday, and he came to the Coffee Bar (christian outreach) to see Bruce play guitar in the Band,after that he came a few times to prayer meetings, we were talking about something,and he said that although he believed in the existence of God he wasn't a Christian. I don't remember in what context this was,anyway, a few weeks ago he told me that he had really become a christian!!!.. knowing Jesus as a real personal friend! i STILL REALLY DON'T BELIEVE THIS!! he's a better Christian than me! i gave him a New English Bible, and he reads it in front of Mum and Dad!!, which i certainly couldn't! we were late back from Coffee bar, so Dad had to collect us,and he forbade Mike from going out again in the Evening,and Michael didn't hold a grudge against him,although he had been unnecessarily mean, which if that had happened to me i would have felt like crying, and losing my temper, and almost hating his meanness,i don't hate him but the meanness.
Well hello, how are ya baby! anyway enough of the Kojak for now, it seems such a lot of things have happened since i last wrote in here!!.. i always say that!! sorry!! since July 1st, when i last wrote,but when i actually think about it not much, its only things that would have not been of interest to anyone but me..but if you don't mind i will try to put them down anyway so it reminds me when i read this,Bruce my boyfriend went off on holiday to Greece,late July,early August, for three weeks,his oldest brother got married to a Greek girl,i have met her earlier this year, but i don't really know if i told you?i don't think i did!
NO!! HOW COULD I FORGET!i don't know whether i have said but i have a younger brother called Mike,he was 14 yesterday, and he came to the Coffee Bar (christian outreach) to see Bruce play guitar in the Band,after that he came a few times to prayer meetings, we were talking about something,and he said that although he believed in the existence of God he wasn't a Christian. I don't remember in what context this was,anyway, a few weeks ago he told me that he had really become a christian!!!.. knowing Jesus as a real personal friend! i STILL REALLY DON'T BELIEVE THIS!! he's a better Christian than me! i gave him a New English Bible, and he reads it in front of Mum and Dad!!, which i certainly couldn't! we were late back from Coffee bar, so Dad had to collect us,and he forbade Mike from going out again in the Evening,and Michael didn't hold a grudge against him,although he had been unnecessarily mean, which if that had happened to me i would have felt like crying, and losing my temper, and almost hating his meanness,i don't hate him but the meanness.
NO MORE BAH HUMBUG
Today i am grateful to God for yet another confirmation that my Brother Mike is in Heaven,since i got born again and Baptised i have always wondered,one Day i was upset about it and i felt very Clearly God whisper into my spirit,'all who call on the name of the Lord are Saved' so i hoped it meant that before He had died he had called on God, i had even had a 'dream' seven days later from the hour he died, i had got very drunk, so had not really taken it seriously.I had seen Michael come racing up to me on His bike, i was in a countryside, with long rolling meadows, and distant mountains, he was about fifteen,(17, when he died), and he was so full of life and shone with health,or it could have been the light of God in him!. He told me what would happen to me in my life, which of course the memory of has gone! What comforted me most was that he was in Heaven!
Tonight after another sleepless night i was just reading through my diary and found one from October 1975,the 4th, the day after his 14th birthday! he had been coming to the christian coffee bar with me,and told me first that although he believed God existed, he was not a christian, a few weeks later he told me he was!!!..., i got him a bible and he was brave enough to read it in front of our Parents!
I must have read this before, but must have just thought it was 'lip service' and how could i know he was really Born-again,God does not reject anyone who calls to Him! this is the best news, i have had for ages, definitely the best news i have had this Christmas season, its only about a week off a year until my Mum started to get ill and die, and although i always made an effort for my kids when they were small for Christmas,because Mike died on Christmas day 1978, i am usually pretty miserable this time of year! No more bah humbug!
Tonight after another sleepless night i was just reading through my diary and found one from October 1975,the 4th, the day after his 14th birthday! he had been coming to the christian coffee bar with me,and told me first that although he believed God existed, he was not a christian, a few weeks later he told me he was!!!..., i got him a bible and he was brave enough to read it in front of our Parents!
I must have read this before, but must have just thought it was 'lip service' and how could i know he was really Born-again,God does not reject anyone who calls to Him! this is the best news, i have had for ages, definitely the best news i have had this Christmas season, its only about a week off a year until my Mum started to get ill and die, and although i always made an effort for my kids when they were small for Christmas,because Mike died on Christmas day 1978, i am usually pretty miserable this time of year! No more bah humbug!
Friday 16 November 2012
June 12th 1973
A boy called Kevin, goes to the local secondary Modern school, likes Suzi Quatro,Description..Blond hair,short, large nose, waited outside hair dressers.he was too fast really, scared me to death, sent him a letter two days later chucking him, he asked Wendy out a few days later, but she wouldn't go, sensible girl.!!
30th June 1973;
this morning we went into town and got some super clothes,they should have been for my birthday but that was ages ago...............12th June
September 1973;
Boy,Richard, priory boys school, likes Beatles,description, dark short hair (like a Brillo pad), bit shabby . date. he phoned me up, pretending he was Peter B!!.
Saturday 1 st September
Kevin phoned( I'll call him Pigeon), and didn't say anything!!...
Saturday 2nd September
morning service at St.Chads church,Pill,and Peter followed me round after church!!.Pill phoned pretending to be Peter again, i went and then he asked me if i was waiting for someone... i just went home.
Monday 3rd September,
me and pill went round 'Nellie land,' Shrewsbury school, and he held my hand
Tuesday 4th
went swimming,, but me and Julie didn't go in,went into the Quarry Park, and up the church tower,, went swimming again in the evening,Pidg didn't go in,cos he had been to the dentist, we came out and went to Sidoli's on the main street.
Wednesday 5th ,
All of us went swimming,Pidgeon had his hair cut,like David Bowie, cool!,we went to shrewsbury school to play tennis,and in the evening they came to our house and we played records, Pill had to go to school the next day.
Friday,7th,Both of them came to my house after they dropped Julie off,she said i liked Pidgeon better than Richard, (Pil)!!!..
Saturday 8th Sept
They were supposed to come but never did...
Sunday 9th morning
Pill was behaving very badly,he was ignoring us. Pidg was neutral, and Peter was trying to persuade him not to.
Evening
Pill phoned up and apologised
Monday 10th morning
We were supposed to meet them in the morning but Julie got the place wrong,and we COULD have had the whole day alone with them....
Evening
Kevin, pidg, phoned up and I explained that Julie had got it wrong, so they came round!
30th June 1973;
this morning we went into town and got some super clothes,they should have been for my birthday but that was ages ago...............12th June
September 1973;
Boy,Richard, priory boys school, likes Beatles,description, dark short hair (like a Brillo pad), bit shabby . date. he phoned me up, pretending he was Peter B!!.
Saturday 1 st September
Kevin phoned( I'll call him Pigeon), and didn't say anything!!...
Saturday 2nd September
morning service at St.Chads church,Pill,and Peter followed me round after church!!.Pill phoned pretending to be Peter again, i went and then he asked me if i was waiting for someone... i just went home.
Monday 3rd September,
me and pill went round 'Nellie land,' Shrewsbury school, and he held my hand
Tuesday 4th
went swimming,, but me and Julie didn't go in,went into the Quarry Park, and up the church tower,, went swimming again in the evening,Pidg didn't go in,cos he had been to the dentist, we came out and went to Sidoli's on the main street.
Wednesday 5th ,
All of us went swimming,Pidgeon had his hair cut,like David Bowie, cool!,we went to shrewsbury school to play tennis,and in the evening they came to our house and we played records, Pill had to go to school the next day.
Friday,7th,Both of them came to my house after they dropped Julie off,she said i liked Pidgeon better than Richard, (Pil)!!!..
Saturday 8th Sept
They were supposed to come but never did...
Sunday 9th morning
Pill was behaving very badly,he was ignoring us. Pidg was neutral, and Peter was trying to persuade him not to.
Evening
Pill phoned up and apologised
Monday 10th morning
We were supposed to meet them in the morning but Julie got the place wrong,and we COULD have had the whole day alone with them....
Evening
Kevin, pidg, phoned up and I explained that Julie had got it wrong, so they came round!
Sick and Tired
Today i am grateful to God for the Strength He has given me, to go to 'the matresses', which will have to wait a few more days, i am not giving in to the Enemy ANY more,i am sick of being afraid to leave my house, always looking behind me,never feeling safe, basically i want my life Back, and with the Lords Help i will get it! Halelujah!
Wednesday 14 November 2012
Going to the mattresses
Today i am grateful to God for, the privilege of being His daughter! Hallelujah! today i am quite apprehensive,i have decided again to take some action about the annoying 'bug' in my life, that i have been unable to swat!!! probably setting myself up for a fall....again!
I am Sick to death of being a 'Victim', always moaning and upset because i cant get this out of my life. I have tried to 'agree with my adversary (brother) on the way to Court' Maybe i should take the same opinion as someone I knew, that this man is not family,that he is not Born-again!!!. when He, a Pastor decided to call the Police on Her, a woman who just wanted answers about why he was so unloving, and Patriarchal! He called her a 'basket case',she was Born -again,she killed herself later,because her Husband would not let her back into the Home.
He has taken away my choices,to live my life as i wish,to feel safe! Got to try at least once more to take 'back the Power', as my friend Eddy says!... more to follow...watch this space...
I am Sick to death of being a 'Victim', always moaning and upset because i cant get this out of my life. I have tried to 'agree with my adversary (brother) on the way to Court' Maybe i should take the same opinion as someone I knew, that this man is not family,that he is not Born-again!!!. when He, a Pastor decided to call the Police on Her, a woman who just wanted answers about why he was so unloving, and Patriarchal! He called her a 'basket case',she was Born -again,she killed herself later,because her Husband would not let her back into the Home.
He has taken away my choices,to live my life as i wish,to feel safe! Got to try at least once more to take 'back the Power', as my friend Eddy says!... more to follow...watch this space...
Sunday 11 November 2012
Roseanna, the first,and second.......
Today i am grateful to God, for the Holy Spirit He has given me, so i am never alone,and Him speaking through me,Randy has not answered my latest Email, i asked him some questions,he believes that i should be able to show proof of the Holy Spirit in me,and show him physical proof that God exist!! despite me explaining repeatedly that i cant show him what is an inner experience! He believes in the inner mind, that is different from the Brain, so i have asked him for physical proof of His beliefs, and he has gone strangely silent!!... poor guy, hope it makes him think, will keep praying for him.My girls are still not communicating, Tash was supposed to have Max yesterday, but asked if Zan (short for Rosanna) could pick him up 15mins earlier, was then subjected to abusive texts.I don't feel i should get involved,Tash does not want me too,i have been on the receiving end and spent nearly a year not talking to her,because the Ex was going there,missing the second year of Max's life...so Tash does not want me to miss out any more!
I was thinking about my pregnancy with Zan, it started off in a difficult time in my relationship with Mark, her Dad,he had cheated on me, i cheated on Him. but we were back together for a couple of months when i got pregnant,(the Ex was no-where to be seen,in fact he was living in the local park and would come to my door shivering, begging to be let in,didn't let him tho! Yet now he is claiming to be Her Dad,the actual facts don't matter to him though!!!...after he had forced me to have sex even though i said no,and would not stay away,until Mark came back! and he wondered why i didn't let him in!!..
So she started of in a difficult time,but was the glue that helped us to stay together, we were so happy,and were happy for a long time, because of her,but i knew before she was born there was something different about her nature, she would kick in bursts,violently, painfully,and then when i got a sickness bug for a week, i did not feel her move for several days, we thought she had died, but she was o.k,and a huge baby, the largest i had 8lb 6oz!
Maybe i gave her the wrong name!!!.., the first Rosanna was my Dads grandmother, a very tough argumentative woman, who fell out with her whole family!!!.. short, 4' 10, and always dressed in black, she had gone to America with her husband, i think was called Daniel,who had died riding a dangerous horse in his 40's,the local free masons offered to divide up her seven children,but she wanted to come back to Ireland and her family, she brought them all back on the long sea voyage, my Grandad Daniel nearly dying of seasickness on the way.
So none of us would be here now if it were not for her!!..that determination, that ruthlessness, saved us all,but how do you cope with that kind of personality in times of 'peace', the family she so wanted to come back to she fell out with!!!
My Mum said to me once, when i was in tears about her,' she is only a little girl,why are you afraid of her'....she screamed the minute she was born, for a month,if she fell down she would not come to me for comfort, vary strange, non of my others were like that....
When i met my Dad in March we were talking about the ruthless people, ' and i said 'well we know who is the Rosanna in my generation,and the Rosanna in my kids generation is Rosanna!
When my grandmother saw me having a tantrum she said 'there's Rosanna',she got the wrong one though! She must have had a terrible time having a mother-in -law like that!!!..
So now my lovely gentle Tash is suffering, and,i am o.k as long as i do as i am told, (she is very careful not to fall out with me now, because i have inherited some money from my mums will!!!...), i bet she regrets upsetting me by letting the Stalker in now,she even said to me a few weeks ago, who would have thought YOU would ever have any money' nice, not.....
I was thinking about my pregnancy with Zan, it started off in a difficult time in my relationship with Mark, her Dad,he had cheated on me, i cheated on Him. but we were back together for a couple of months when i got pregnant,(the Ex was no-where to be seen,in fact he was living in the local park and would come to my door shivering, begging to be let in,didn't let him tho! Yet now he is claiming to be Her Dad,the actual facts don't matter to him though!!!...after he had forced me to have sex even though i said no,and would not stay away,until Mark came back! and he wondered why i didn't let him in!!..
So she started of in a difficult time,but was the glue that helped us to stay together, we were so happy,and were happy for a long time, because of her,but i knew before she was born there was something different about her nature, she would kick in bursts,violently, painfully,and then when i got a sickness bug for a week, i did not feel her move for several days, we thought she had died, but she was o.k,and a huge baby, the largest i had 8lb 6oz!
Maybe i gave her the wrong name!!!.., the first Rosanna was my Dads grandmother, a very tough argumentative woman, who fell out with her whole family!!!.. short, 4' 10, and always dressed in black, she had gone to America with her husband, i think was called Daniel,who had died riding a dangerous horse in his 40's,the local free masons offered to divide up her seven children,but she wanted to come back to Ireland and her family, she brought them all back on the long sea voyage, my Grandad Daniel nearly dying of seasickness on the way.
So none of us would be here now if it were not for her!!..that determination, that ruthlessness, saved us all,but how do you cope with that kind of personality in times of 'peace', the family she so wanted to come back to she fell out with!!!
My Mum said to me once, when i was in tears about her,' she is only a little girl,why are you afraid of her'....she screamed the minute she was born, for a month,if she fell down she would not come to me for comfort, vary strange, non of my others were like that....
When i met my Dad in March we were talking about the ruthless people, ' and i said 'well we know who is the Rosanna in my generation,and the Rosanna in my kids generation is Rosanna!
When my grandmother saw me having a tantrum she said 'there's Rosanna',she got the wrong one though! She must have had a terrible time having a mother-in -law like that!!!..
So now my lovely gentle Tash is suffering, and,i am o.k as long as i do as i am told, (she is very careful not to fall out with me now, because i have inherited some money from my mums will!!!...), i bet she regrets upsetting me by letting the Stalker in now,she even said to me a few weeks ago, who would have thought YOU would ever have any money' nice, not.....
Saturday 10 November 2012
The 'Sower'
Today i am Grateful to God who gives me the words to say,and although i felt murderous yesterday about the unjustice of not being able to stop the unwanted attentions of the Ex, today i feel better, Praise God!!I am talking to a man who wants to ask questions about my Faith by email,he says i cannot prove the existence of God,he cant prove He does not exist! as the Bible says i should always give a reason for my faith, i have continued to email him, but it has been hard,he is trying to wind me up!!.. but if God can use me to drop a few 'seeds' in there i am willing! I wish there was a way i could sent the exchanges here, will try to look into it!
Thursday 8 November 2012
triggers
...and i have now got myself back in the same state i was yesterday,have i fallen for 'triggers' as some feminist websites say? i wish i knew....can someone out there advise me? the Rage is out...i almost cant tear myself away from this....God help me please.
Rageosaurus
Today i am grateful to God that i did not let the 'rageosaurus' loose yesterday!!!..it was a close thing...!!!,( i spoke to the friend (sandra)yesterday about the whole talking the ex howard 'up', yesterday, i told her about the struggles i have been having,with being friends with her,i dont know how much sank in but she did say sorry,) i dont know if it was the right thing to do?,if God does not want me to be friends with her anymore? He will have to make it clear to me!!!... After that i got really upset,and wanted to get revenge, it is very hard to accept that this man can control my life even though i have cut him out as much as i can!,
Rage is understandable i suppose,i even wrote a letter to talk to some older Christians i know, but didn't send it!!....don't know what i hoped to get from this,maybe that they would talk to the Pastor of the Church i cant go to anymore,this man is a danger to women, and children, (he was violent to my 5 and 6yr old sons years ago), and yet my daughter chooses not to believe me,or my other daughter,who witnessed it,and has him look after my Grandson.
I cant seem to cut him out of my life entirely, even if i stop seeing my friends, he still goes to my daughters house,and i know he asks about me,my other daughter told me he used to ask about me all the time, and that his own daughter was sick to death as i was his only subject of conversation, she even hid when he came round to see her! (I have just had a delicious day-dream about going to my daughters house, and finding him there, and calling the Police to say he is dangerous to kids, the Police station is literally across the road from their house.....wonderful)....i dont seem to have any fight in me anymore...
So the only way to be sure i never see him again is to not go to my daughters house,it did not work, when i tried it before,may still have to happen.As it is i have to make an appointment to make sure he is not there when i do go there.I could make a lot more fuss, i could tell my daughters husbands ex wife how they let her 4 boys, be around a person who is dangerous to kids, and i have talked to the Authorities about this,they say there is nothing i can do, and i am sure view me as an Ex-wife trying to get revenge....It seems the Devil looks after His own,!! God knows what is best for my life, Praise Him!
Rage is understandable i suppose,i even wrote a letter to talk to some older Christians i know, but didn't send it!!....don't know what i hoped to get from this,maybe that they would talk to the Pastor of the Church i cant go to anymore,this man is a danger to women, and children, (he was violent to my 5 and 6yr old sons years ago), and yet my daughter chooses not to believe me,or my other daughter,who witnessed it,and has him look after my Grandson.
I cant seem to cut him out of my life entirely, even if i stop seeing my friends, he still goes to my daughters house,and i know he asks about me,my other daughter told me he used to ask about me all the time, and that his own daughter was sick to death as i was his only subject of conversation, she even hid when he came round to see her! (I have just had a delicious day-dream about going to my daughters house, and finding him there, and calling the Police to say he is dangerous to kids, the Police station is literally across the road from their house.....wonderful)....i dont seem to have any fight in me anymore...
So the only way to be sure i never see him again is to not go to my daughters house,it did not work, when i tried it before,may still have to happen.As it is i have to make an appointment to make sure he is not there when i do go there.I could make a lot more fuss, i could tell my daughters husbands ex wife how they let her 4 boys, be around a person who is dangerous to kids, and i have talked to the Authorities about this,they say there is nothing i can do, and i am sure view me as an Ex-wife trying to get revenge....It seems the Devil looks after His own,!! God knows what is best for my life, Praise Him!
Wednesday 7 November 2012
Inner witness of God
today i am grateful to God for,another day of feeling well enough to get on with my life,i am feeling happy today,my daughters have sorted out their argument,I have had my tooth fixed, it was a very large hole, all pretty boring at the moment....A person called Randy, asked me an interesting question on Yahoo answers,he wanted to know if i could prove God exists to him,he said others said they have a Personal experience with God, but it does not prove it to him,he then wanted me to say that there might be a possibility that God does not exist....WAS NOT GOING TO DO THAT...mainly because Jesus says if i deny Him before men He will deny me before God!... I said that a witness of an accident is believed even if no one-else witnessed it,and cant prove it to others, i can not prove to him my inner witness of God! I don't know whether that was the right thing to do, it seemed right at the time...sometimes i read back some earlier posts on here and think 'wow, that's really good' and want to feel pride, but i know it was not me, it did not come from me but from the Holy Spirit in me.
Saturday 3 November 2012
Trusting
Today i am grateful for my home, be it ever so humble!...I spend far more time at home than other people do, being a carer.God is still teaching me to trust Him in everything,and i am a slow learner,i just read on Twitter, a post by Christine Caine that says if you look to people to give you what only God can you will be let down, look to God' almost written for me! i have trusted husbands, friends,expecting them never to let me down,be loyal,respectful, and treat me as i treat them, in my experience humans won't or can't do it!!...Practical things, i am trying to sort out the house to get the central heating put in, and am being hard on myself, because i have very little self -dicipline....My daughter has stopped the other from seeing my Grandson, i don't want to take sides,its difficult to know what to do, i know the Lord will show me
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