Monday 30 April 2012

Whistling Kettles

I went to get something out of the car this morning, had just got out of bed,and i realised as soon as i had shut the door that i had locked myself out, Ben's room is just bu the door, so after some shouting he came an let me in,at 9.30, he was dressed and did not want oto go back to bed! very strange, i am used to having the mornings to myself now! All the time i was locked out the stove top kettle was whistling! it did not increase the stress though . Praise the Lord!..
We did not go to the meeting in the country yesterday, it was not on but they are having a conference in a few weeks time so that will be interesting.I am not very keen on the' Toronto blessing', so i hope its not like that.The car is not working so well at the moment so Mike is going to have a look at it today,will need it as i am hoping to go to Newtown on Thursday.

Sunday 29 April 2012

African blessings

Went to wonderful meeting yesterday,a caribean meeting at a brother and sisters house from cameroon, i am always so blessed by African believers.Praise God,I went to Pray with the lady from church, 'S' and when we prayed i really felt the Presence of God, also yesterday when we ere praying,have not felt that for a long time, so i know is showing me i am on the right track. We are going to a meeting out in the country tonight just to see what it is like, i am not sure whether Mike should come yet will ask 'S' what she thinks later.I feel content now about the decision i have made not to go to the Church where my Ex goes now, i know i had to be there last week, because God wanted me to connect to 'S', i am feeling that is what He wants for me, (not just my decision)!!!.

Thursday 26 April 2012

Drought

We drove back through snow, heavy rain,and sleet, so it took half an hour longer than it should,i was determined to be very careful because there was water rippling like top of a pond on the road, and a few times water up to a foot in pools across the whole road.Very difficult, have never driven through such bad conditions before,even though i have been driving 25 years.!...
Lots of jokes being made in the Media about the drought, hose pipes ban are over most of the country!!!
I know there is a drought of the Word of God over this country! most of the country call themselves 'christian', although not born again of course...It does not stop from stopping believers displaying their Faith, yet promoting Religions from other countries over Christianity,the Prime Minister even said that it should not happen, but it still does! When the Constitution was written, in  small town called Runnymede in the Middle ages it was based on the Ten Commandments, which has systematically been thrown out.God is not Mocked,He sees all, Praise Him.

Wednesday 25 April 2012

gales, and feeling dizzy

I am in the caravan, it blowing a gale, and starting to rain!,the Ex was not baptised on Sunday, he was there though...had a lovey chat with on of the women from the prayer group, am going to visit her soon,(this was after i had left, when Mike went,felt uncomfortable, then decided that i was not going to be made uncomfortable and went back in,did feel dizzy at one point, and had diarrhoea next day but it was worth it!

Saturday 21 April 2012

RAGE

Well have found out that the Ex, Howard is being Baptised tomorrow,interesting! i really hope he wants to go on with God,and not with Me! cos it is not happening... however much he hangs round, tells others he 'wants to be friends'....NO NO NO... I Have no ill will, just want to nothing to do with him.I have spoken to Elizabeth about this again,she feels he should not be baptised until he has been confronted about what he is doing  to me now, i know God is leading me to another church, but i wont be telling anyone where!..
I have been thinking about that 10 days when ever i went to the other side of Town i would see him cycling by,or i was at my sons office decorating and my son looked out of the Window and saw him,why every time,/?.. was the Enemy trying to make me believe he was following me? Was he following me?..i live on a main road, its not hard to see if my car is parked near my house, as we have no private drives on,i have been tempted to park down side roads,it would not be hard to track my movements?...worrying now i think about it.
Talking to Elizabeth has also brought up another disturbing thought, last but one time i was in a meeting when he was there,i was praising the Lord, singing, raising hands,he was sitting almost opposite a row of chairs ahead, so although i was not watching him,i could  not avoid seeing his body language, he was very angry,he sat with his head in his hands at one point, i know he was upset ,because he was not getting anywhere with me.and his following me has not worked. i am not affected by his actions.
Because the same thing happened years ago,we were just friends and he had offered to paint my house, to 'make up for some of the bad' he said, he was stripping back the paint in the front room and i was busy washing up, and took few phone calls from friends, had great fellowship on the phone,after several hours of this he got upset,and said' you have friends and people who care about you' i don't know why this would upset him, but he was in such a bad state that he sank down the wall to the stairs, in a heap, it scared me,because he had been so violent in the past, so i rang up a brother in the Lord who came and talked to him.(I was determined not to let him in again.and haven't)
 So to me this is very telling,i have known him for 36yrs, and as all battered women i have had to be able to 'read him,'to know when to be quiet,and keep the kids quiet, to avoid violence.I was reading somewhere yesterday 'that if a person truly cares for you they want the best for you, and will not let their actions cause you any pain,AND will respect your boundaries'.He has not respected my boundaries, or my choices,to him i do not have the choice NOT to be around him.
Its hard for me to understand,the mindset, as a 'normal' person,!!. why would he not want me to prosper?, be jealous because i was giving Mike a lift?..,and then be nasty to Mike? a person who was ill and vulnerable at the time?
He really HATES me, rage is what i read in him.
He once he said when he was crying 'a bit of support would have been nice', even when he was beating me?... I SUPPORTED HIM, i encouraged him, i was a submissive wife,when he was encouraged by the church to take charge of  the money, i supported him,when he failed he blamed me!. (he had no experience of a family budget,..and complained to one of the Pastors that i was not 'submitting to him',and that is why he hit me.!!...( Forgetting the fact he spent £150  in one month on C.D's,for himself,a lot of money in 1996!!benefit money, because he refused to work, we had eight kids between us,ages 6-18)
O.k so we all have our sides in an argument,i could have been wrong,but I KNOW his body language now is Dangerous. In an ideal world, he really is truly born- again,he is wanting to go on with God,i am a hindrance to him,just my presence affects him,and i cant rule out the thought that God has brought him there, for His reasons.God has told me that this trial will soon be over, and he will not bother me again.
God forgive me but i don't feel safe,i lock my door all the time,i never go out alone,i think he will kill me one day.I am very frightened.

Friday 20 April 2012

Strange days indeed

It was a strange day yesterday,Ben had said that he wanted to go to town,and got up at 9.30, really early for him!..we spent all day rushing around, to various family as well, came back at tea time then Mike came round, and Darren and we prayed for about hour and half, THEN, Elizabeth rang up, and was on the phone to her for 30mins,its strange when God does that,when some days i am so bored, and other days i cant catch up with Him!..I am still tired today,but WAS able to get through the whole Bible reading today!..Praise Him.

Wednesday 18 April 2012

The Enemies Victory

Wonderful prayer meeting last night,was three hours in the end!,it is so wonderful to have fellowship with other women, it is Biblical, older women to disciple younger women, and older men to disciple young men,God knows what he is doing, He made us, and always know the best for us.I have had to repent of my unforgiving attitude to my next door neighbours,which was completely wrong,frighteningly so !!..the Devil really had the Victory there..!! ,..maybe the dream the Lord gave me about the kittens was about that? These neighbours were the ' no need to freak out ' ones who play rock music late into the night!..not pleasant or considerate to others, but whatever they did it does not excuse my anger towards them,( i know the Bible says to be 'Angry but not Sin',, but i did sin!). in that i judged them as bad people because they had annoyed me!  OOPS, had to repent of that, also feel rather ashamed of the whole Ex situation,in what i wrote about it,seems un-christian and un-forgiving to me now,but i know that this is an on line Diary for me, and while i know its public, i can hopefully look back and learn from my past mistakes,i look back at my diary from 1969,when i was 11, and from later when i was 15,and find it fascinating,but have spent may years very embarrassed about the contents!...so maybe this will be the same.!!..it is interesting to see the Lords influence in my life, how He has led and changed me. Just like the Picture he gave me when i was first saved of an earthen ware pot, broken may many times glued back together, but changed into a new pot with NO old cracks in it! Praise Him!

Tuesday 17 April 2012

Not putting up with it!

I am feeling quite sluggish today,was very windy last night, and did not sleep very well, got up to find that some of the plastic roof had blown right off! We went shopping yesterday, and Ben was flicking his hands in front of his sisters Tash's face when we were walking down the aisle of a shop,i didn't hear but Tash said ' did you hear that,one of those people said f***ing weirdo, don't say anything' i just listened, and said i wouldn't do anything,but i just kept walking round pretending to look at something with every intention of telling them off,i wanted to identify who they were first, went to stand next ot them, and before i could say anything Tash was there, asking them 'was it you that said f***ing weirdo?, he is Autistic you know' the girl denied it of course,the woman who was with her, who may have been the one who said it,kept her back to us all the time,and was supposedly on the phone, what a hero!!..'  the girl did look really ashamed so it must have been her!!.i tell people off, and i know i have embarrassed my kids sometimes, so i try to be calm about things.
With everything that has been happening to me over the last 9 months anyone reading this may have seen me as a victim, unable to stand up for myself,but i can and do stand up for my family, and am not at all afraid to tell anyone off, from a police man to a judge.but i guess its my mothering instinct that rises up, when someone tries to hurt my kids.
What shocked me most and really drove out anything else was Tashies reaction,she ususally backs down from any confrontation,as a baby she would put up with her brothers and sisters teasing her for ages, taking toys off her, she was the third child, but only so far,and they knew it!! then she would scream,hold her fists tightly and shake with fury!!...she had a very hard time at school, was bullied,and did not tell me for a long time,as soon as i found out i took her out of school.But that has affected her for years,she is living with an older man who has helped her NOT TO PUT UP WITH it,!! its wonderful to see, its made my week!..Praise the Lord.

Sunday 15 April 2012

Nearer My God to thee

Very oppressive feeling around today, don't know why!!..Watched the 'Dan Brown film yesterday 'the da Vinci code' there is certainly something compulsive about it,the same as the 'Harry Potter' films...i.e when you start watching it you find it difficult not to watch til the end,i don't know why because neither of them are well written, or even good stories!!..yet so may have become obsessed with them letting them pervade into their lives,when they are gripped with the conviction that these are not just stories, pieces of bad fiction,but Reality.!!!..Very strange!!
Maybe people would believe that about my Holy Book, the Bible,i believe it is true,and the Purest translation which i believe is the Authorised Version.
The 'Da Vinci code' brought up some interesting things,the unsettling suggestion that the books of the Bible were decided by the council of Nicea, effectively the catholic church,( to them it proved that what went into the Bible was controlled,by Constantine, who they say stayed a Pagan until his Deathbed conversion, 'hedging his bets'!!!..),then of course IF i believe that the Bible is the Word of God, surely i believe He is Powerful enough to have exactly what He wants in it? !!!..
It is the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic,a ship built in Belfast where my Father is from, my Mum told me once the as it went down they sang the Hymn 'nearer my God to the',on t.v they just said the band played it, but of course then the Public knew words of Hymns without hymn sheets.
64 people viewed my blog yesterday, very strange, i don't know why any one would be interested in anything i have to say! strange!!..

Friday 13 April 2012

Having Kittens......

just remembered a dream i had last night,i had accidentally got one of Jon's (Ben and Joe's dad) kittens caught in a large apron pocket, had left without knowing, and he chased me,and Ben and Joe all around a strange looking town, we paused to rest,it was newborn, and very weak.
What is God saying?..,if anything at all,?..is it just a lie from the Enemy? I woke up and thought  'i never fed the kitten how did it survive'...,why dream about Jon? while we are not friends i have no fear of him? ..very strange....very strange...
Of course there are obvious answers in my life at the moment,i could have been the kitten,the Ex could have been the kitten,plenty of reasons to have bad dreams...
I have NEVER EVER dreamt of the Stalker Ex,except many years ago,(23ish,years ago),i was happily married at the time, and had never given him a second thought,i dreamt he was at a holiday type camp, alone in a chalet/flat waiting....for what?  Me,... i presume...menacing black clouds,or even darkness.were around it.

MY CUP RUNNETH OVER

Another day...what has happened to Steve's blog, says its been deleted, hope he is o.k.one minute its blue skies, next it black clouds,sometimes we can have all the Seasons in one day, here in the u.k.Feeling quite secure and happy, even though i have not been out of the house since Tuesday!!..and its Friday today! ...Having to repent of the bad feeling and thoughts i have been going through the past few days..its hard to do whats right,and the be the person God would want us to be, like Paul said, 'the good i would do i don't, and the bad i shouldn't i do' ( not an exact quote)!!!.I have started to pray in tongues when getting impatient, and when thinking wrong thoughts,it really helps to focus the mind, which is strange because i have no idea what i am saying!..
I spend far too much time ranting/ dwelling on the unjustness of my life and too little on the good i have in my life, I have a wonderful Saviour  and God who loves Me,the Perfect Father,have five healthy grown up children, and a grandson who is much healthier now!,have had my Prodigal Son returned to me!, and absolutely Amazingly my Previously Estranged Dad is back in my life! what have i really got to complain about, or that is unjust! Nothing!!! the Lord has blessed me abundantly, my CUP RUNNETH OVER!!and so next time i say with gritted teeth, 'children are a blessing from God' help me mean it Lord.!!..Praise You.

Wednesday 11 April 2012

Value of Life

Really sad yo hear that my friend in prison has had no one write to hm since Christmas,will write to hm today,after talking to Joe yesterday about the whole Ex business yesterday  am feeling quite angry about other Christan's today.Specifically the idea that i should have talked to him eventually,something about the whole christian idea that people don't have a choice to cut someone out of their life is unsettling, and also the curious fact that the past two weeks of travelling across town, near Mike House i have seen him on his push bike every time,except Sunday 9/10 times, at different times of day,is this the enemy,he is not following me, just a very weird coincidence?....really strange.
I have put a question on you tube last year asking for answers from Pastors,to the question that 'why in a church that stands up for the rights of Unborn babies, Against Euthanasia,etc is the rights of a Battered woman being pressured to take back her violent husband,isn't her life valued? some very nice Pastors answered,and i wish i went to their church! (was actually told by my  Pastor at the time that God would not' allow 'him to hit me!!!...surprisingly he did hit me, because he has free will...
So talking to Joe yesterday about the decision ,made me realise that if i had kept going i would have been challenged about my ongoing refusal not to talk to him, and would of course have ended up being the ONE IN THE WRONG.
The pressure was starting to build up, with 'B's' saying 'he wants to be friends', and at every opportunity talking him up,and her constant assertion that he has changed.(He hasn't, and i really don't care whether he has or not.)
The unsaved world really has a far healthier attitude to this. Victims of abuse or rape are not expected to be 'nice ' to their abusers.
In the book'battered into Submission' Pastors who 'pressured ' women to return to abusers, have a very different view when their own daughters are in the situation, and quite a few have felt really guilty for their previous attitudes,but its too late, how many of these women died, or were obliged to leave the support network of church, so they could leave the Abuser.?...
I fully acknowledge that the whole thing is my fault to, i should never have married him, it was against the specifica teaching of C hrist,( i didn't know it at the time, but ignorance of the Law does not excuse me),I knew he had been aViolent Rapist, but like all Battered Women i wanted to believe He had changed.How stupid was i, no excuses, because of my irresponsibility my children were hurt.
And now i am being judged...as unforgiving!!..

Tuesday 10 April 2012

Blood

Managed to read my whole bible reading today, have been struggling to get through it the last few days.Don't know why....dis-obedience as usual,had a quiet time this Easter, did not go to the Caravan, no real reason,will probably go next weekend,God willing.Pretty boring last few days,just bit flat after the decision,good prayer meeting on Saturday, although there were many distractions, Joe coming in and out dogs growling through prayer, one dog was chewing a bone on the wooden floor which was very loud!!.We read the whole of the Crucifixion in Mathews Gospel, and the Angel of Death who Passed over the believers in Exodus 12,it was areal blessing to see how the blood of the Lamb saved then and now, i think Darren really saw the connection.Praise the Lord.

Saturday 7 April 2012

Forgiveness, the Cornerstone

Well still feeling very good at the moment,To be honest i have not thought about him in the last few days, my life had been almost been at a standstill over the last few months,the in-justice of it all, the fact that he was able to do this with no repercussions, just infuriated me....I had hardly thought of this man for years,( apart from the few un-bid memories which surfaced,were quickly repented of and forgotten.) Maybe this was the Enemy's intention,along with my Mothers death,trying to push me into reacting, which almost worked, more than once!!!..
I am not that person who suffers the rest of my life because of some-one Else's Sin,I am NOT going to be a VICTIM forever, a close friend of Mine, Marion killed herself because she could not get past someones Else's Sin, by other Christians, and those close to her,she was stuck 'in a moment she cant get out of' to quote U2..
I told her many times that she was not the Product of others decisions, She could chose to let it go,was it unforgiveness? I don't think so, she had got to a point where she felt able to resume her life,after years of depression,but others were not willing to trust her.
I know any strength i have is not from me, God has given it to me, God gave me a message from Him for her that he could 'restore the years the locusts have eaten'.Why did she give up? she was a strong woman, really on fire for God at one point.
I have been on the point of Death at least six times,and fought to stay alive, why did she seek it,why was her life of so little value to her? When i faced death i had no children, and felt  alone and unloved by any human being,she had a beautiful daughter...
Someone once told me that suicide was a selfish act, (i later heard that that persons mother had killed herself). I am not going to judge anyone else,but i have known severe depression,i have never contemplated suicide, but spent days wishing the pain would end, and if not for my responsibilities for others would not have got out of bed.
I know that God led me to the point that i was not going to let anothers Sin forever affect me,(do i believe that i am,....1. a 'useless', 2 ,'ugly,'3,'wothless','waste of space.', if the person who you love tells you this its hard not to believe..)  or do i distance myself from their Sin, as 'theirs'.And forgive.Surely that's the KEY, forgiveness, do i forgive and let go, or believe
Lets face it who wants to forgive? ....NO ONE!!!, but as a christian we know it is what He wants us to do,as i have said before, two things the world treats lightly are Sexual Sin and Unforgiveness. But to God these are not taken lightly,and Forgiveness is one of the cornerstones of the Gospell.

Thursday 5 April 2012

who's that going over the hill?

feeling light, as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders!!! WONDERFUL FEELING!!! Praise the Lord....,its taken a few days to hit me;as it always does, so.....

WHO'S THAT GOING DISAPPEARING OVER THE HILL. ITS THE MONSTER!! ITS THE MONSTER!
BYE BYE!....
Glad to see you go, wish i'd never met you, nothing but BAD memories, GET A LIFE..... YOU PYSCHO....

Free will versus Conscience

Who is in control of the world? Who is in control of our lives? Are we? Is everything planned in advance, with us just like Puppets in a pre determined performance.Some Believers follow Calvin, who believe we are!..
Does the phrase 'Free will' appear in the Bible? I cant remember coming across it....but that does not mean its not there!!.Could it be the idea that's there?
The Church i got saved into had great faith, that God would not allow certain things, and would supernaturally intervene in situations,until one person challenged them, and would not leave the meeting until her concerns were addressed,she was carried out with four American  ex-football players on each arm and leg...she ended up with bruises all over her arms and legs.How did they explain that God did not intervene?...... she was called a 'Basket case'....Unsurprisingly the 'church' has a very high drop out rate,where was the love of Christ?
We have to trust that God is in control,when the world seems out of control, its so easy to doubt,as society crumbles into a depression.Yet the Lord hates doubt,its lack of Faith,not trusting.
So how do we know what is the right thing to do? Our conscience, because of it we always know what is right and wrong, what really matters is obeying the voice of our conscience. Before i was saved i can remember my justification for Sin i knew was wrong,'i deserve to do what i want', 'its someone Else's fault i am doing this, if they had' .....notice the constant in all these excuses?....I .....I....Whats right for me is all that matter, selfishness, 'i deserve' ME... ME.... ME..
Psychopaths supposedly have no conscience,i don't believe that...they are just expert at ignoring it.Violent men have endless justification, (i suppose that is the 'Pysocopathy' element of the Dark Triad.)
A woman who arranged her child's kidnap, due to be released from Prison this week, was described as 'unable to put the needs of her children before her own'  ..by her Psychologist, NO she was UN-WILLING.She knew the right thing to do.
So we go on, we trust that this is all in Gods plan, and that He is in control, and even if we go to heaven before the Rapture,Jesus WILL return as it says in the Bible,God does not Lie,He keeps His Promises,the most precious one to me being, 'I will never leave you or forsake you' Amen come Lord Jesus.

Wednesday 4 April 2012

False friends and the runs

There was no Ladies prayer meeting last night but instead had a social evening at 'B's house, was a bit worried about it, and started to feel myself getting the old familiar lump in my stomach,'B' is friends with the Ex, and thinks it is ROMANTIC  that he follows me around,!!!...'because he loves me'!!!..( the Stalking website says that the definition of stalking is that it is UNWANTED by one person....She does not know about the Rape.I only tell those i trust.
So the point i was trying to get to was that i was expecting the Ex would be there, 'accidently on purpose', she even texted me 30mins before to say to bring Ben, to a ladies social?.....seemed overly keen for me to come....!!!! anyway i started to feel my stomach was upset,'the runs' so that settled it anyway.So sad, this is the effect even the merest hint of him has on me....

Sunday 1 April 2012

My Cowardice

I am a coward, i have given in, wont be going to church again, i cant involve the Pastor in this, because church is the only place i am going to encounter him,and if the Police were involved they would have to talk to them.(i would love to do what Elizabeth says and talk to the Pastor ans his wife. and tell them what i am going through, and in an ideal world they would bar him from the church, but of course that as Christians we cant behave like that unfortunately!!!!..)