Naughty not Nice

I have been very naughty and have not been reading my Bible for a while now,which is wrong because i am not allowing God to speak to me thorough the Holy Spirit..I have probably written this before but i read a book by the excellent Rebecca Brown, and she says it is a sin not to spend time reading the Bible every day, (to be fair she also said that not just spending time worshiping and being still in his presence is a sin too!)
So as always when i did read it last night, a phrase jumped out at me, one i have read many times before but my mind had been dwelling on how the Lord has brought me into a new life, it was Jesus own words where He say " i have come to heal the broken-hearted" WOW!! that's what he did for me, which i wish i had included in my Testimony! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU Lord!
Of course all beaten women are broken hearted, for the lie that was promised to them, the lie of a good life with a Good Man,, violent Abusers are NOT good men obviously!!, and of course it takes a while for their true nature to come out, we fall in love with the lie they are projecting. It is fascinating why they hide their true natures..Its almost like they have made a list of what women will need, and are ticking off the boxes!!
One very interesting blog says that when we make abusers leave they demand a list of what to do to be accepted back!..but of course its a trap and once back their nature re-asserts itself, it was "Cry for justice" I have written a post about the devastation i experienced when Howard's mask slipped, and he showed he had not changed), "the weight that dragged my heart down,that took me where i needed to be" 26/10/2014 is the blog post

more preaching...don't for goodness sake +1 this!!..

Well the annual pagan greed festival is over!...thank goodness there is only the new year celebrations to go!! Joy Of Joy we will be treated to fireworks at 12.am,no point in even trying to go to bed...i live less than a mile from the local park where there is a flower show in August so for two nights from 9.pm we have to endure 20 minutes of loud bangs with the dogs getting hysterical,and it gets hard to hear the t.v, the streets all around get jammed up with people too mean to pay to get in to see the fireworks!!, so the watch it from the pub gardens,next to the Park..
So i try to be away for it but sometimes its unavoidable... a lot of people seem to be reading this blog now ... WHY? its just a load of moaning..i have no idea why anyone would want to read it? really really no idea, i even had another +1 again.., just for talking about Ben's medicine...strange...its Tashy's thirtieth birthday today!! and i remember the day she was born so clearly...it seems a couple of months ago, it was Marks chicken soup that brought her in to the world!!,we had a false alarm on Christmas day so i was in hospital for most of it!! four days later,when i knew i was in labour, my mum came to pick me up and had to park on the pavement outside, a man was also parked there and and she asked him to move because " she was taking a woman in labour to the Maternity hospital" he move his car pretty quickly!...( when my mum came to take me for my last pregnancy she asked me not to scream in pain cos she didn't want my 14yr old sister to get too spooked)
I wish i had sworn at her now!! She had taught me to always be polite..so i was! Unbelievable!!Maybe that's why she told my sister that she wished she had treated me better!....I felt like a orphan all my life..but i wasn't,as i have shared before one painful night the Lord took me through all the painful things that had happened right through my life and told me He was there, ALWAYS there.
Praise Him! anyone who reads this needs to turn to Him,just say sorry for the bad things, we have all done things we feel ashamed of,ask Him into our lives. Many people never meet a born-again person,so cant see the difference that He makes in our lives,with what i have been through in my life i should be in a heap or a psychiatric patient , drugged up so much that i don't feel the pain, but i am not!!, i have forgiven every bad thing done to me, and i live a full functioning life, not stuck in the past or dragged down by it..i was a frightened scared beaten down person all my life, now i smile at strangers,and don't walk with my head down, i am proud to be the daughter of the King of Kings!, the Creator of this beautiful world..

sleep,and bulbs.

Ben has been on his new medicine since the 11th of December it is the 27th today,i am trying to think when he started to sleep in a more usual routine? i think it was a few days after he started them, one of the side effects is feeling tired, last night he wanted to go to bed at 10.00 pm and he went up before me!!. He has been getting up at about 8.am!! i know it probably wont last but it is great at the moment...of course its now very hard to get back into a regular sleep pattern for me!!.. i only seem to want 5-6 hours sleep, i tried on Thursday to stay awake downstairs so i could sleep longer in bed,but still woke up at 5.am!, maybe i shouldn't try to get used to the new pattern because it may not last long!! The weather is very strange, its December but really warm,15 degrees,we have only had about 3 days of actual frost! the geranium outside the front of the house is still alive and the one on the back window is flowering! spring bulbs are growing, and are two -three inches out of the soil already!There has been a lot of rain,some homes in Cumbria have been flooded three times just this month....And Suki has started to get his summer coat,so yet again we have a house covered in Husky hair.I have solved the mouse problem, well i though i had but i just heard a movement from the other room, i will have to keep going with the humane traps until they are all gone!!

A friendly face?

Ben hasn't been sleeping well for about six weeks now,so we haven't really been able to get out much but on Wednesday he did get up early because i promised to take him to town!, we had nice time,and i just popped into a shop where i had ordered something a few weeks before,i had forgotten my receipt,but the girl who was serving remembered me, she said i had a friendly face...which was a nice thing to say! and i was quite pleased.
Just now i was trying to sleep,and was thinking about her and what she had said and it has made me realize just how much i have changed...years ago i would walk round and never smile(,o.k so maybe i wasn't happy).I was just a lonely divorced Mum,who felt unable to trust anyone..
I had not come back to Him and was trying to run my life myself and making a real mess of that!!!...Sometimes i listen to the Enemies whispers,and tend of think about the bad stuff, and because i talk a lot on here about Violent Relationships,Rape and the less savoury things of Human nature, i feel as if i am always a 'depressing person' to be around, but the enemy has been proved wrong AGAIN!!
My nature has been changed by God,i know he has done this for me,because i am happy inside now,and years ago i may have been happy to have my children,but i was not happy as a person, and never could have been until i met the Lord and His un-conditional love.

Waiting for Willow

Well Ben has started on his new medicine, unwillingly as he says it is making him tired, i have tried to explain that he is no more tired than he was before, staying up all night and sleeping all day do that to you!! Its my dads funeral next week..I am going to the doctor tomorrow , i have a few minor health worries. nothing worth worrying about! Tashie's house is nearly built,my son in law Andy is putting the roof on now its her birthday 30th on the 29th.
My new Grand-daughter Willow is due on new years day, poor Daisy is suffering, but not for much longer! So life is good, and i am not going to let the Enemy an his servants ruin my life! We had a wonderful meeting at Brian and Helen's this week,Max is doing well, Ellie is walking, and the poor thing has no idea what is going to hit her when her little sister is born!My Life is so good not through any thing i have one, but because i have a Wonderful Saviour, who has never stopped loving me, and forgiving me for all the bad stuff i have done

back to the old, praising Him for the New!!

I cant charge my new net book so back to my old laptop which has been updated by dear Alec, Di's husband. its a lot easier to use and much easier to type on as the keyboard is so much bigger than the net book, i got to Brian and Helen's last night, we had the local C.M.A meeting only five of us,all with some bad stuff going on in our lives but the enemy of our souls did not have the victory, because we still blessed each other and thanked the Lord for His wonderful love for us! We are not "cursing God and dying" which it talks about in the bibles book of Job,while God is with us we are victor's in Him!! I hadn't really thought about it until now but it is just amazing that the Lord has strengthened us all so much!!..Praise the Lord for He is good all the time

English learners?

Well a lot of people have viewed this blog in the last few days, much more than usual! strange very strange, last week it was loads of views from Russia! its probably people who are learning English......

learning to live with it..

Its been five days now since Dad died,and i am learning to live with the grief,i have only ventured out once, just to get Ben's medicines...i feel o.k in the house, but when i go outside i just feel like i am wading through mud, my legs feel so heavy.. i have not cried much, sometimes i just feel as if i start i am not going to be able to stop...i felt the same when My brother Mike died, its almost like its too bad to cry about....on Monday the day i found out i was scared to go to sleep i just felt i would wake up screaming.. in a way its good that i have been so tired with Ben staying up all night that when i do go to sleep it is really heavy sleep...i got him to bed at 11 last night, but he had been awake since 7.pm on Wednesday night,27 hours, i have just tried to wake him up so he can go to bed earlier tonight but he wont get up, will try again in a few minutes..

"As night prevails"

Dad wrote a book in the 1960's when we were living in Chester, it was a Spy novel, much in the same style as James Bond, it was never published,anything he did was wonderful to me, i adored him as a child and although we were estranged for twenty five years, he contacted me again when Mum died and we have been talking about once a month since then, i think i have written about that! the last two times we met we have had a great time,he told me about things i didn't know about my family.Dad died on Sunday, and like Forrest Gump, that's all i want to say about that.

No one expects the Spanish inquisition....

I have been reading some interesting stuff about Rape,it was written by a man, and i found it through a link on Captain Awkward's website,i found i was still thinking of Rape mistakenly in terms of stranger Rape or Date Rape, which was really illuminating to me, when of course most Rapists are known to the Victim, mostly a trusted friend of the family, or a family member...The Author was saying that men should challenge their friends who "joke" about it or even boast that they have sexually assaulted.I find that i have to research this unpleasant subject, i don't really know why either!..maybe its because it one of the things that Abusers do, it all part of the whole VILE package!, that we are subjected to when we know an Abuser, along with Stalking,and Gaslighting!!! When i started out my adult independent life this was the last thing i would be expecting to be writing about now! but no woman expects this to be her life,all relationships start with good intentions, all women would ferociously deny that the man they love would ever hurt them, let alone Rape, and Stalk, and Gaslight, but as we all know , Abusers don't let us see their true nature until we have fallen under their demonic"spell". We all act better than we are at first in a relationship, but when we trust enough not to be on out best behaviour, is when the trap is sprung! One day we find up we have signed up for all this horrific stuff, and it takes a while to untangle ourselves.

Missed Andres birthday!...wont miss him!!

I am annoyed!!... i wanted to read the post i wrote about being Raped, but i cant find it now!!..its been a hard 4-6 weeks as Ben is now up all night and sleeps all day until 7.pm some days, its been his birthday so that day he got up and we went to town!. Saturday/Sunday night he was awake until 3.a.m and when i told him it was bedtime he was screaming the "f" word and saying how dare i make him go to bed".
(I was due to go with Mike to see Andre as it was his birthday on Sunday,Mike was really excited, and had cajoled me into it when i wasn't sure with Ben not sleeping well). I rang Andre and left a message at 9.am and told him what had happened and said i wouldn't be able to come, and after three hours of trying to get hold of Mike to save him coming to pick me up (when i was desperate for sleep), a wasted journey,i finally got through to him!
I had been ringing constantly for 7 minutes from 12.00 pm, he says " Andre's told me you are not going", no concern for my predicament!! no concern for me at all!! and its now been 26 hours since i left Andre the message, and not ONE WORD of worry or concern for me!( Years a go a woman i knew, she used to be my friend,gave me a prophecy she said came from the Lord in which she said i should let 'people go' who were taking advantage of me!!
Andre and Mike were in that list, which at the time i didn't take very seriously because she is a very controlling person...maybe it was God after all!!, but here i am being treated like "s**t again by these unpleasant people.!! No more, i Have not got VICTIM tattooed on my head, probably would save time if i did!!..
People who make me feel like CRAP need to be blown away as fast as their selfish selves can go, maybe i should have called this blog not 'my crap life' but my CRAP EX-FRIENDS and why stupid me loves them anyway!! Get lost!! P**S off , don't like you, don't care what you think of me,P**S off you ungrateful toxic BA****D's.. You nasty pieces of work!!

Local newspapers and Dads part in their downfall

My Dads written a book, which is being published in January,i cant remember the title at the moment , will include that later, so i have to say that as he is the only one who has had a book published, he must be the best writer in the family! i bow to his success! i forgot to mention when i listed the writers in my family that my Cousin Darren Bailey has also been published to and has written about three books too! Its Ben's birthday today so he got up early, at 9.30, and we went to town and he eat so much he was nearly sick , though to be honest he hasn't eaten any real meals for about three days now!

drip drip drip drip drip drip drip

Well after the last very positive post,which someone +1'd,i didn't feel like posting anything again!..i don't write in this blog for anyone else i don't want to make money or want other people to hear my opinion, like my sister who cant have a thought without sharing it with her flying monkeys on twitter, and watch out anyone who dares to disagree with anything she says!.. she sets her monkeys on them and everything about the other person is dissected endlessly!!
When i comment she warns them off me, as i am obviously 'deficient' as she has diagnosed my as having Autism, and got some poor doctors to agree with her!!, (after they were paid a lot of money, of course!!) that is the way of medicine now,decide you have a condition, try to force a doctor to agree, and then if they have too much backbone to be bullied PAY!!
You have to admire the vast lack of medical knowledge!! (or remember the Solicitor's face after she had been blasted, for daring to ask about Mums ashes being buried!!)
Controlling people , just got to love them!!!...how would us boring, mundane, decent people ever last in life with just peace and quiet!! the chance would be a fine thing.. never gonna get it tho!!,so what is the answer?, do we turn into them, become suspicious of everyone else, and endlessly emotionally batter others until we get our own way?, its the Unjust Judge all over again!!, (from the Bible,a woman had to keep pestering a Judge until she got justice),of course we know because we (or me anyway,!) trust the Bible that she was a Good person, and therefore had a just cause.
Controllers, or the' wicked witches of the west',use those same tactics to get their own way, under the guise of helping others!...its drip drip drip, the Chinese water torture,and the Judge gives in for a peaceful life!!!. most of us give in after a long campaign of pestering,i.e from children...but when its from adults who knowingly over-ride another's free will and freedom to decide for themselves... it called ABUSE!!

full moon, the enemies whispering campaign

Its full moon again so no one is sleeping in my house tonight!! i haven't been checking when it is so haven't done the border, i have lost my Calendar with all the full moons on it! Every night for the last week i have seen the moon get fuller and thought its 'not there yet!!..' not quite there yet,even tonight it didn't seem really full, but when i came back i checked on the internet for dates!!..of course with Ben not sleeping we are hardly ever out of the house when it it daylight, like Vampires..and there have not been many meetings over the past week,and they are usually in the evening anyway, of course this time of year there is not much daylight anyway,it gets light around 7.am, and dark at 4,which i guess is 9 hours!!it will get darker still, until the shortest day which is the winter solstice on the 22nd of December, so although it is depressing, in fact its only about 3 and a half weeks till we get more daylight!!
I have been making the untidyness of the house not so much of a big deal for me, the Enemy knows this used to be a big area in my life where guilt and shame were massive,and to be honest now its not such a problem to me i cant really understand it looking back...it was so deep and such a secret shame!,i was really doing the Enemies work for him!.. i used to think that it would be so hard to let people into the house, and it really was for me, i built up what people said about it being untidy to such a shame, such a huge thing, what a waste of time!! and its a bit strange how much it has changed!! its not a hang up any more, and it was really bad!!
I know it started with Jon making comments, little sly ones like, "its your house, as long as YOU like it", little drops of poison!!... i know i felt some sense of deliverance recently, which i have not felt for years too, that must have been when it went!! i don't have to let anyone in my house, and the way that the Husky (Suki) jumps up at people and has to be kept on a lead all the time, make it difficult to have visitors anyway!! so it released something in me,maybe its not such a perfect thing, my house,but i never hated it until others said stuff about it!!, so i compared myself to them,(i remember once in a radio play, "someone said that artists house is a mess, artists always have messy houses" what a revelation to me!!)
I am a very innocent person it has taken me all my life to work out how other people are, i find others fascinating, and in my darkest hour i did put that down to being 'Aspergers' which i am not,( a vile person i am genetically linked to decided she thought i was on the spectrum), and of course the so called 'state' of the house was one thing she used to justify this!!..I have been in her house, and like Ken,my ex father in Laws house, it is so clean, and sparkly that its really uncomfortable to be there!!, i feel like i am making it untidy just standing there!! but that's the way the controlling abusive people in the world judge women, (looks and housekeeping).
If they decide to have a house (not a home) that looks like a hospital,or a museum,that is their choice! (Just don't expect anyone to feel comfortable in it)!!.the other people who have critised my house?, the most recent one, being a HOARDER,whose house you cant actually walk around except a tiny path through high cliffs of plastic boxes, (which her mother made her buy, previously it was just 6 foot piles of things).
In a way i suppose i am just falling into the old trap of saying" you don't have a right to criticise me because you are not perfect, and do , a ,or b ,or c sins yourself"!!, which is totally wrong as a Christian! its Judging others!! which is of course the trap the Enemy of our souls WANTS us to get into because it is Sin and forbidden by by the Word of God!
The years of abuse had changed me into a self blamer,i didn't used to be like that, i was a placid peaceful soul, who saw good in everyone and never judged others! I was perfect abuser fodder!!!.. i am so thankful that the Lord has freed me from this He is SO good!! maybe i am just so tired (with not much sleep) that i don't really care about the whispering voices (of condemnation), or too tired to hear them, that's not true!
He has dealt with them, i don't really want to blame abusers for anything anymore! these sad pathetic losers have no power to control any more, BUT, then again i am not going to fall into the trap of pitying them either,like some psychologists, who say " they have been bullied,abused", like they are not responsible for their actions!!NO NO NO! (abusers laughing hysterically and high five-ing in the background)!!.. they had a choice every time they chose to raise a fist,or open their mouths, to spew out vile destroying words. God has given them free will just like the rest of us!!.I suppose what i am very badly trying to say is that they are small...insignificant..in my life.. i get angry sometimes when another loser raises there ugly head, but it doesn't and cant change me anymore!! and they soon disappear back to their father, Satan!!.

Parent Alienation Syndrome? or Emotional Abuse

Parental alienation syndrome is largely rejected now,probably right because as usual it only refers to women, yet another Victim Blaming tactic,by Abusive men who further use the children after the have been kicked out by the woman,once they have access to the children they can behave as they like, the kids become frightened because the Mother is not there to protect them, the man is angry that she dared to stand up to him by finally leaving and, gets revenge on her by poisoning the child's mind against her,not caring enough or at all for the child, who needs a dependable loving parent.He has nothing but spite for her, because of course a person cannot love another that they hurt with enjoyment or relish...Abusers don't love anyone but themselves and anyone who thwarts them will pay.I studied long into the night about this as i have slowly come to the realization that this has been used against me,which has come as a shock after so many years.Its emotional abuse, and recognized as such by the courts,its been a shock to me that its not just the abusers, but their parents that do this...`but if someone produces a selfish self-centered child, who loves only himself, who made him this way? their parents!, who build up their obviously lacking child to believe they are a prince, entitled to behave with no conscience, and treat all women like dirt...

motor neuron disease, and bowling

Helen has got Motor neuron disease,its really sad..everyone at the Stafford meeting was so encouraging, and prayed for them both!..He told me on Saturday morning, it is really sad, she is upset because she cant speak very well or sing anymore, she is a wonderful Evangelist, she can talk to anybody and they just see the Holy Spirit shine out from her,she is believing that the lord is going to heal her!! she is such a wonderful Sister in Him, and one of those wonderful people who never says anything bad about another person.
On Saturday i took Max out with Tash and Joe and Daisy, which was not very pleasant as Joe was hinting that it was Tash that reported them to the Social services...and making some veiled threats that if it happened again,he wouldn't put up with it, and worst of all that he didn't think it was Jon,and that "Dads not THAT bad"!!!!....
He is friends with Jon now,and didn't tell me which was the most upsetting part, as he was determined to never talk to him again, so i supported him, offered to take the Baby to His grandparents which they were grateful for.. i even stood up to Jon's sister Belinda for them, and told her how awful it was that she spoke to Daisy so badly when she wasn't even there when Joe fell out with his Dad..( i am sorry to say she, Belinda is as nasty and violent as Jon). I have, and never would, want to stop Joe seeing his Dad,(in fact Jon used to use access to further abuse me,until we started the access at The Grandparents).I don't think i can sit back and watch him being treated like this again.. .So its all very disappointing, and sad...Ben still does not want to see his Dad.

Boring sooo boring...

I am really amazed that anyone ever reads this stuff the mundane things of my life a real boring enough for me, i don't know why anyone would ever want to read it!! My creative writing teacher says i wrote 'interesting stories', which was nice to hear! but that was one of stories mostly about my family!!i suppose living in Africa might be interesting...or living in Ireland, i suppose since i have been keeping a Diary since i was 8 may be interesting,..Dave said it was an amazing resource, but i don't write about any of these things,most of that stuff is on the care-write blog, not on here, so why read it?, i suppose i do find other peoples everyday lives interesting, fascinating actually! but i find these blogs do not last very long, i suppose like me they get bored putting down the mundane everyday stuff,i do come from a family of writers, Mum,Dad, even my Sister,Mums never got published though neither did my Dads first Spy book!!

three conversations...

As usual i have stated to post with no real idea what to say,i am hopping that the Lord will give me something!! until then i will just update on what is going on in my life, Ben is not well, Joe and Daisy are going to get married!! we are seeing the Vicar this weekend, they are nervous to go on their own, it a church of England church where Joe was Christened as a baby and linked to the school he went to!
Tashie's house is nearly built, just the roof to go on now, and my other son-in-law Andy is going to do that!Ben has the cold i have had, so has Joe and Daisy and Baby.It has been really un-seasonal warm weather here,(i am British i have to talk about the weather) it's strange,sometimes in October we get warm weather but never in November!!
My friend Helen seems to be getting better, she has a voice problem, her voice fades when she is talking,she can speak for longer, so Praise God for that.Mark my ex-husband, the really nice one, has been in contact, and is doing really well, he has given up the alcohol,in fact in all the time i have known him this is only the third conversation i have EVER had when he is sober!!,(we met in 76')..God is so amazing!!!
i would like the give Mark the credit but i know its the Lord,who has healed him, not him or de-tox!!.
Darren has got Diabetes, and i don't envy his carers trying to get him to eat the right things!!, Mike's gone to ground, or as Brian calls it 'on a downer'he can't help it i suppose!!i was struggling with forgiveness for a few days, but not now God is good!..
i am re-doing my front room...i had the floors stripped in January, but i didn't put the right stuff on to finish it so i am going to have to get something easier to clean...probably lino!!

Cold, and the Bishop

I have a rotten cold today...last night my nose was constantly streaming! i managed to get Ben to youth club though,i even broke my diet and had a whole bag of sweets, and a large bottle of fizzy drink,my scales say i have lost a stone in weight,7 kgs, i don't know if my scale is accurate, but i know Ben weighs about 9 half stone,maybe ten, and he weighed 9.5 on the scale so i think i have lost at least a half stone!! going to see the slimming nurse next week, and i cant wait to see what i have lost.
I know that when i have seen Howard usualy the stress causes me to have the runs the next day,not that this time,but i have been eating a lot of good food in the last 4-5 weeks including fruit so i am not run down, and susceptible to cold viruses. we had a great concert on Wednesday,it seemed to go well and the Bishop was there, he was on "songs of praise on Sunday" and had had his photo taken with Brian on his bike just before the local agricultural show in March!

Monster mash..

I am really annoyed,i have just rung Mike,and he has got Howard doing decorating for him.. that's entirely up to him of course! but it seems i cant go that side of town without seeing him in the last week, i was taking the grandchildren out last Friday and he literally rode past my car! Tash and i both groaned at the same time!!, (on Sunday i was driving back from Sunday lunch and just saw him ride into a supermarket),this is really annoying because it happened the same way years ago, at one point for about two weeks when ever i went out he was riding past, i was even in Nathans office and saw him ride past from an upstairs window!!,it wasn't co-incidence, it was different times of the day,different days of the week,i felt haunted and definitely Stalked!..
Why is this happening again? i don't even blame him!! he wouldn't know what i am doing,no one knew the times i would be around that area!!It must be the Enemy, i ask the Lord to turn back any curses that are sent my way, and turn them back as blessings wherever they come from, every day!!
Joe and Daisy have been bullied into agreeing to let Jon see the Baby for an hour once a month, they gave in because he was putting threats on facebook,that he would go to the solicitor,call social services on them...they gave in, they aren't bothered about Jon so much as the rest of their family,Joe's Grandparents, and his Aunts and cousins,they want her to see and be part of life.
I have just checked back, and it was 2012,June and i said "out of the seven times i have been out of the house in the last two weeks i have seen him three times"(Howard) of course it just seems such a co-incidence that he is now painting Mikes house!! I know that there are no such things as Co-incidences, its the Enemy of our Soul every time,i have been having bad dreams for the last week and there have been noises in the house too,just today a resin garden table top has fallen over twice, it was propped up in the garden there is hardly any wind out side , i just picked it up, and stood and watched it for a few minutes, the trees were moving slowly, certainly not strong enough to blow any thing over, then there was a wind low down in the garden quite strong,but the trees above weren't moving?..considering i have a narrow garden with high fences,solid wood and a high hedge, where did this wind come from,my washing line has broken, as if it has been cut many times,Tash came round through the back garden at night and had apples thrown at her from an Empty garden...I really hate that the enemy of out soul thinks he can do this in my house,i belong to the Lamb of God, i am a blood bought child of the Living God, he has no right to do these things to me or my family...I am angry now and am going to do something about this!

wedding?

I have had a nice surprise today, Joe and Daisy want to get married in a church, and are going to see the Vicar, at the Church down the road from here, where Joe was Christened.So that is exciting news! I have got a concert today with the Gospel Choir,Ben is still not getting up early though...but Darren is very helpful and because he stays here it means i get to do the things i want to do!So life is good!God is good.

Abusers from Aberfan..

I have been reading the book "why does he do that" again, trying to make sense of some abusive behaviour my kids are suffering from, as usual it does not make sense!! i suppose a normal person cant get in an abusers mind!.. although of course i have been called not normal by him, but curiously he says that about every woman he has ever had a relationship with!!..So he's waited a month thinking that my sons would slowly come round, and that they couldn't possibly do without him in their lives!!...,and of course this would have been the point for him to say sorry,and he would try not to do it again, but as with all abusers 'sorry' does not exist in their vocabulary, (real sorry, not just done to further manipulate), but abusers never believe they have done anything wrong, so no need to apologize!!..Sad Sad man,he so has to be 'right' that he will sacrifice his relationship with his sons and granddaughters..so the threats have started, 'i will get the police and social services on you', the usual behaviour, after telling Joe's friends he was going to kill himself, because BOTH his boys don't want him in their lives,when that didn't work, he tried the old lemon, the Aberfan Disaster, which has got him so much sympathy in the past,(he wasn't even born when it happened,his parents were the ones who lived through that terrible day), then the threats, doubly cruel for Daisy as she has always been frightened of the social services taking her baby away, as she grew up in care herself. The usual DESPICABLE tactics of the Abuser...

worried about friends..

I have been checking my posts for this time of year to see if there is a pattern of Mike being ill around now..yes there is even as far back as 2009, i suppose that is the good thing about keeping a blog for almost 6 years!! though i am very sure it it very boring for anyone else to read!!I was able to go to the Gospel Choir yesterday, with a bit of Bribery with Ben though!!It was a really nice time,there is a young guy who plays all kinds of instruments and he was playing after we all had a cup of tea, we also went to a wonderful praise meeting on Tuesday, so i have gone from being so bored at home i am falling asleep, to going out three days in a row!! My friend Helen is still having problems with her voice and is having lots of medical tests to find out what is going on! so we are all praying for her,a new lady came to the meeting on Monday, she is a new Christian, only saved two months ago, i had to give myself a good talking to because i had felt quite annoyed with her talking all the time,but Di was very good at not letting her take over, Next month she will be away, so it will be up to Roland and me to keep her in order!! will need Gods help, as she is an alcoholic (,she tricked Mike into taking her to buy a bottle of Wine,and then said "its my first drink of the day" while she stank of Gin!!he is upset that he was tricked into that,and cos she said he looked like Father Christmas) God is good! all the time!

Doctors and dogs

After trying to get Ben to the doctor for about four weeks now,he refused to go yesterday and i spoke to the doctor on the phone,i have been worried about his eating, he doesn't eat very much at all and with the Autism he is very picky already, he was having a lot of dental work done, (three teeth out and four fillings), and i just thought that was the reason why he didn't eat much, but his teeth have all been fixed now, and there is no improvement..so the Doctor has said he needs to see a Specialist, and is going to give him a physical examination next week too...
I want to write more but the dog is barking and it has gone from my mind!.(Nipper is a very old Yorkshire terrier who is blind in both eyes has front legs which are affected by a neurological condition, so he walk on his joints at the top of his leg because he has no muscles strength in the bottom part..his left back leg come out of joint so he only has one good leg, and is still up for a fight with any of the others!! the care i have to take of him is hard sometimes because the only way i can tell he needs something is when he barks so we have to go through the routine of food ,water, wee time, and even when i have tried all these he will just bark anyway!... he isn't in pain though because i give him painkillers every day from the vet!!

Sleepy,and Sundays!

If i was of a suspicious nature i would think that someone has put a 'curse' on me, because the last few days i have had trouble staying awake...even after having a full nights sleep!!, but of course i have forgotten to ask the Lord to turn back any curses which come our way, so if i believed it....Jon rang up on Sunday to talk to Ben , after i had told Colin, (Ben's Granddad that Ben didn't want to go there for the ritual Sunday visit,) Ben was angry with his Dad and told him so! which for someone who has communication problems was absolutley amazing!!..I was very proud of him, and i am proud of Joe too! i really thought that although Jon was violent to weaker women he really did love his Sons..he doesn't..he cant with the way he talks to them, but it has made me rethink the way that he and his family have behaved towards me over the years, i knew they talked badly about me behind my back, and i accepted it, unpleasant though it was, i didn't feel inclined to do anything about it and just thought it was important that they saw their family,of course being Manipulating and controlling they thought the had me in 'their pocket'!! which was true because they did get their own way! The weekly ritual of Sunday afternoons has been going on for 26 years, and i always knew that that would be the only time Jon would see them, and when they were younger i knew they were safe because Colin and Sheila were responsible people.But now as they are both grown up i don't have to be always so accommodating, always fitting in with their plans!! its quite freeing really!!!,(it is a shame that as Colin and Sheila are in their 80's, they wont be around for ever,and will have limited time to see their Grandchildren and Great Grandchildren,but i must keep reminding myself that i didn't do this!! it was Jon, its not my responsibility to keep them happy!!)

Witches and Patterns.

An old lady was peering into my house yesterday,she had long grey hair,wore long dress with full length coat, and would have fitted very well into a child's fairy tale as a Witch!!, i asked her in a friendly manner what she was doing,(Darren was going out of the front door and she was across the road taking photos of my house)...she told me that as a child she had been born and brought up in the house,she had been born in the 1940's,and we had a nice chat...just a friendly old lady..but the whole thing was unsettling,it was as though she had been reading from a script,and i found out that i had given her information about me..,she said she had grown up in the same bedroom i now sleep in etc..Sounds silly when i read this back because i cant put my finger on what was bothering me about it and i don't want to be like my friend Pat who saw the Enemy under every rock, and really thought she was such a threat to the Enemy!! that she was constantly aware of people as the enemy servants, maybe i could believe her if she was bringing thousands to the Lord, i think she would have been a threat to the Enemy's plans then!! but i guess we all have our little delusions, i am sure I do too!!
I have been thinking about an interesting pattern that i have seen in Abusers behaviour,i was thinking about when Howard lived here and it was his cousins wedding,and later his Mums 80th birthday party, and how he had created arguments so i didn't go.. Jon did the same!!, when his cousins in Wales were having a party,and another time his parents 30th wedding anniversary, i didn't go to either! (he didn't get away with it completely though because purely to wind him up, i lied and said i had worked out a route by train that would enable me to get there for the Party...he was not happy! and didn't go himself in the end!)
Obviously this was before i came back to the Lord,and yes lying is wrong, and it was really unlike me to wind anyone up, but it was fun.!!So its back to the age old question!! WHY DOES HE DO THAT!!... when i was younger i thought they didn't want me there so that they could be with other women, now,with what has happened to Joe and Daisy, i am beginning to think its because their extended family has been told what a terrible person me and Daisy were, and of course anyone who talked to us would see that we were perfectly normal people! and start to wonder about their family members!!

Tyres,Castles,and not asking for Protection...

I was finally able to come home on Wednesday, but was hoping to be back on Monday, had to get the tyre's done on the caravan and on the Car!!...Joe and Daisy fell out on Thursday night so we came home and i stayed home for two nights then went back on Saturday,so was at the caravan for four night in one go! Its a lovely place, Criccieth in west Wales, it has a medieval Castle, which is not unusual in this area,the house i live in is over a hundred years old! and that's quite young compared with some of the buildings where i live!The church i go to do the Gospel singing is Anglo Saxon, which i think is before Medieval(1500's) times...it must seem strange to people who live in newer countries where there are buildings not even as old as my house!!I have to get a better caravan,i was asked by the site owner to "upgrade", so its got me thinking of some different ideas, my ideal would be a small cottage with some land, but i may just have to have a caravan on a field, which i would like to buy, when i had the money from my mum, i didn't really want anything else apart from central heating and a Jeep, but of course now that there is not much money left,i have found something i DO WANT!! typical!!..i don't even know if the Councils in wales would allow me to just have a caravan on a field as i would need mains water, electricity, and drains...its just a pipe dream!! a fantasy!!I feel a bit funny putting it on here but i think the Enemy knows most of what goes on with us.... a few days when we were in the Caravan i forgot to Pray at night time for my children's protection, and of course the enemy didn't miss his chance!!, Daisy saw something in Ellie's room, and Ellie kept waking up when she was alone in her room,they said" as if something was waking her up". I know because of the whole Jon situation that a lot of curses will be coming our way, so that was a shocking lack of forgetful-ness on my part, but God is good ALL the time! Hallelujah! Praise Him

Not "handling" it anymore.

Well its been a tiring few weeks,Jon has made it impossible for Joe to be around him, and Jon has been so mean to Ben that i am not sure if he should be around him..In fact The whole Mulcahy family have been so manipulating, controlling and really just so vile that i really don't want anyone i care to be around them. A Poisonous bunch... Joe can fight back, but when Ben is called a little "S**t" by his own Father something has to be done, i wouldn't let Ben be around anyone else who calls him names like that. and i certainly won't just because its his Dad.I know now that he is not safe, they are not keeping him safe when he goes there,so he wont be.
Ben says "i can handle dad",but he shouldn't have to 'handle him!! or anyone!..The old motto 'sticks and stones will break my bones,but words will never hurt me' is totally completely wrong!! Words last much longer! sometimes it takes years for the words to stop...
I am on a very wet and windy Welsh hillside,almost next to the sea, the wind just rushes up the hill and hits the caravan, and the noise is just awful! its impossible to sleep, its 5.23 a.m, and i haven't slept for a few hours now because of the noise!!, it makes the dogs restless, and any movement in the caravan is noisy,just awful, its not like that in the house!! being in a tin box is the problem i guess!!

Change is coming.

Well its over!! Colin and sheilas 50th is over, and looking at the photos on facebook there are no pictures of Ben or any of my other sons and daughters, and there were eight of them in total, (four kids and various partners and max and my step grandson Will...)..i am trying not to get annoyed about it!!there has been stress all week, Jon was being his usual jerk self and said something disgusting about Joe's friend and the dog..it was just the last straw for Joe,Jon is always humiliating Joe, his girlfriend as a "joke" even gave Joe a kids tell the time book, because he has trouble getting up!! When Joe was living with Jon after he ran away from home,and Jon would be having underage girlfriends,and selling illegal stuff.He saw the worst side of Jon,so no he doesn't want Jon in his life,and he doesn't want the baby around Jon either,he wont let Jon have the baby on his own,Jon called Ben a little" S**t"on Sunday, years ago Jon said to me that he couldn't wait til "his" boys were grown up and they saw what a terrible person i was, now neither of them can stand him!!its really sad..

nearly there... nearly there!!! shots fired,more ready to go!..

not long now...,nearly there....,someone who has bothered me for years is almost out of the picture!! just a few more hours and then life for them will change, and they wont call the shots anymore!!, (they never did really but i am so lazy i just let them keep thinking it!!)..they have really shot themselves in the foot this time!!, and have just gone too far, thinking they can speak to my children like dirt, NOT HAPPENING ANYMORE!! update as and when it happens!

Diamonds Wedding and good news!!

Its 11p.m and i am wide awake downstairs, i have been asleep ay this time,and struggle up to bed at 1.am.. and then of course i cant sleep, i have finally had to give in and put the heating on because it is getting cold at night!! the enemy has been having a 'go' at me and my family over the last four days...but what else is new!!, so boring, but i guess its his job!! maybe i will share what has been going on later...i have been better at reading the bible, and Praise Him, the Holy Spirit has always spoken to me through it!!so not much to report, although a lot is going on i don't feel like giving the Enemy any recognition today!!, but the best part of the last few days is that Joe's has got a job and that means that all four are all in full time jobs!( yes i have five children,but Ben is not able to work.).Its Ben and Joe's grandparents 50th Wedding Anniversary on friday, and all of my children are going,except Joe and he may even go in the end!!..there is still time for some bridges to be built, lets not give the Enemy any credit just yet! or his servants!

Mammon

I have not been praying and read the word of god for a while, i have been discouraged by being in the house such a lot, because of Ben's erratic sleeping patterns,but finally today i managed to finish the bible passage i had started yesterday, John 18, which is talking about Jesus being condemned by the "Jews", it hard to find out what is exactly meant by the Jews,because the whole country was full of Jews, except for the few invading Romans,anyway the part that really struck me was why the 'Jews' chose the robber Barrabas to pardon,and not Jesus?..we know the Jewish authorities and the Religious rulers hated Jesus, because He was so popular with the People, but its telling to me that they chose the one who had been involved with money, you only have to watch 15 mins of Religious t.v in this country to see that they are more interested in whats in your wallet than where your soul is going to end up,i was talking to Sandra and she was talking about how the Pastors wife had been warned by spirit filled brother that the rooms in the Church should not be hired out for Wordly Conferences,the Pastors wife had answered that the head office of the church had told them to hire out the rooms, so that church and the head office are just interested in making money, and The Bible itself says you cant serve God and mammon( money),i put it simpler, the Holy Spirit will leave if God is not given the Priority

harridan?,if only they knew how quiet i really am...

Oh dear my head is reeling!!.., i made the mistake of saying on the online magazine "Spiked" comments that everyone should be treated with respect and not judged for their looks, race, age etc.and of course i have had a torrent of abuse from men, mostly, (and a few women in the background of course!!),a young female Barrister got annoyed with an elderly married male Solicitor who commented about how beautiful she was and she shared it on twitter,she said,"How many women are contacted @ linkedin re physical appearance rather than professional skills" Then other professional women shared their similar experiences,so its been a subject of discussion in the u.k media about whether its o.k to give a woman a compliment!..Men are running scared!! a woman with intelligence made them look foolish!! laughing my socks off!!, i did quite like one comment i made,"watch out dinosaurs the world is changing women are demanding to be respected" Scary stuff for your average Mysogynist!!i did enjoy myself,one guy even said,you have not been reticent in expressing your opinion...oh my goodness if only he knew how quiet i am in real life...i suppose of course the psychologists out there would say i am being like this would say it was because of being dis-respected by the guy(Dick) in July!!...Abusive controlling men, and i am afraid normal guys feel its their right to have their egos stroked, and us women are expected to do this, make them feel the big "man"!i hate to say it but far too many of us women do that!! i did, and paid the price when i couldn't do it any more because of the abuse they were inflicting on me, but maybe i shouldn't have treated them like a child by re-enforcing their self esteem..i live and learn!! All my male friends are not like that, i refuse to do that with them,or my three sons,Darren needs to share with me when he is upset and bewildered by the world, i don't mind that, but the 4-5 phone calls and texts, repeated until i answer do get annoying, but he is learning!!

dentists and demons

We went to Ben's dentist the other day, its been very aggravating waiting for his teeth to be done, as he refused to go and have them out in hospital, where he would have had a General anesthetic, had two teeth out and four fillings all in one go...but he refused to go to hospital, so it has to be done in the local surgery.The local special needs dentist should not be a special needs dentist, i have told her that Ben doesn't like to be spoken too by someone who is almost a stranger and will just agree to anything, just to stop them speaking to him!!..i was on the point of travelling 35 miles to the nearest dentist,then on Monday when he had his tooth out her attitude was completely different,she kept checking with me that what he said was right!! the only difference was that i had prayed about the problem,not deep intimate prayer, but just a quick "Lord please be in this)!!..
As i am sitting here writing this some plates fell down in the kitchen ,o.k they could have been piled up awkwardly, but my phone fell down from the Mantlepiece, about a foot away from me!!no one else is around, no massive vibrations...this house is a strange place, i could pray against the enemy every day and it still happens,it does not scare me,i have lived with it for thirty years but some other people have been really freaked out by the crap that happens, last September when i was at the caravan Joe and Daisy got trapped upstairs cos an old welsh dresser had ACTUALLY MOVED in front of the door to the stairs..there was the "ghost" picture,(the Queen mother was passing in front of our house on the way to the Barracks up the road,all the Neighbours were outside ready to wave at her,i was standing by the front bay window, and my husband Mark took a photo from the other side of the road,with of the kids outside,when they were developed i was at my Mums, and on that photo next to me on my left there was a little Demonic face!!..my Mum said "maybe its one of the kids dolls"it wasn't, i never saw anything at the time, and a doll wouldn't be facing outwards anyway.) I don't want to think that anything demonic was hanging around me then,but i know the domestic violence didn't start until i moved into this house!! I have had deliverance for various inherited things,but i do know that the last family that lived in this house was not happy, as the Dad was having an affair, the Mum subsequently died from an illness and then Married the Woman he had been having the affair with, when i first moved in i used to hear kids crying for their Mum, not mine..

limbo

Oh dear oh dear, i am in limbo...i was asked by someone why i didn't want to go to bikers church yesterday, i explained the situation, and have heard nothing... i stated that i did not want to get anyone in trouble,but just could not respect that person lets call him Dick!!. anymore, of course it would be easier to get back into my sent emails and check it had been sent, but for some reason I cant get the sent emails up!!so i don't know if it has gone through, if it has been ignored ,or it has been taken "further" which i don't really want...i did not ask for confidentiality, but it is the sort of thing that is just expected!!....My Mum always used to say that if you had a secret, its yours, and if you share it expect it to become others property,no-one else will respect your secrets as they are not important to them,but am i being a hypocrite?.., on this blog i have named the abusers, as abuse only survives by secrecy,here in U.K there is now a facility to find out if someone has been convicted of Domestic violence offences, but many aren't,Mine haven't been convicted ,so that's why i have named them, its been a year and they haven't objected or denied it! i hate secrets because i am an honest person, and see no need for any secrecy..but my Mum is right in a way because now its out of my hands i don't have control over where it goes,or whats done with it, it has a life of its own!! but i told a trusted friend, i shared something that i have struggled with for weeks...i am not ready for it to be public property..but its been taken out of my hands...if i had wanted the person in trouble i could have complained myself,and still i don't know what is happening!! its like that song from the 1980's about aliens invading earth 'and still they come'moody blues i think!!

Nobody told me there would be days like these, strange days indeed

Well here i am again, my head is throbbing, i cant think straight, i didn't sleep again last night, well not in my own bed anyway,just on the settee..i have been going through a bad phase again with Ben,and his not sleeping,.. and now it is happening again with me!,in the daytime i am just being a couch potato,even when i get enough sleep..this isn't even anything worth writing about, so i don't know why i am!!

CONVICTION

I was reading on facebook about a Pastor, or Head of a christian college in the U.S who was caught in adultery, i didn't pay much attention to it, so really don't know all the details to it,THEN i did my daily Bible reading and it was talking about the woman who was caught in Adultery, so of course the Lord is really trying to get my attention about something...!! Of course i know it is about the Brother who was talking 'dirty'near me!!...Jesus says that even looking at a woman lustfully is committing adultery with her in a mans mind,so what does talking dirty mean?..i know that what comes out of us is what pollutes us,(our mouths ,i think it says that somewhere in the new testament),so in a way i caught this brother out in Sin,Jesus says He does not Judge,He told the Woman not to Sin any more...I am judging, I was offended, and I thought I deserved to be treated with respect..Its all very humbling,i don't deserve anything,but Hell, i am a filthy rotten sinner,i deny Jesus, everyday have hateful thoughts about others who have done me wrong and am not forgiving them,( to the point when God even intervened in my thoughts, i had been thinking some bad things about Howard, how stupid he was! and a deep Mans voice said "Don't you think i can make him into the man you need him to be?) I was alone in the house...but do you know even after that VERY humbling experience, i STILL have bitter thoughts about Howard...sometimes even those very same ones!! So i have'nt learnt ANYTHING, how can i judge anyone?...

a joyful noise?..

The Lord has been convicting me about the Brother who offended me...so i am going to have to carry on relying on Him to get me through this time, and just try to do His will throughout it all..it was Ellies first birthday yesterday,i took them out for a meal and a playtime for Ellies at a play barn which she loves! I cant remember if i have mentioned it but i have joined a Gospel choir,i love to sing!! i dont know if i can sing at all, but i do make a joyful noise!!

"those kind of people"

We had a wonderful day at Mikes party, he seemed to really enjoy himself, and everyone who said they would come did, every time i went into the kitchen to wash up it had all been done! years ago in the 1970's someone i knew got married and they had the after wedding party in the guys home,(which doesn't happen now as large hotels who cater are the norm), the Mum of the groom was so amazed as the believers, were cleaning up and doing all the dishes, she was amazed at the kindness, she said they were "those kind of people"..
I met Andre's new wife,Josetta, a lovely lady, weirdly i fell as if i have always known her, there must be some spiritual explanation for this??,at last i am able to get into this blog and write posts, i have been locked out for weeks, i don't really know why, i have to enter Howard's name and it takes me to it, if i wasn't a very nice person i could say that this is the only good thing he is ever done for me....nasty but true, at the moment i am starting to feel as if i dwell and talk too much about the unpleasant things in life, maybe that i talk to others about bad things? i am not sure...i don't know!!
Its very warm at the moment i am living in shorts and vests... it wont last long so i am trying to get out in the sun as much as possible,i know there are some vitamins you can only get from sunlight, some are the ones that help with mood and sleep.
I have got used to the whole thing of not sleeping in my old pattern which used to be up at 6, bed at 10 p.m.,i just go with the flow now!,last week i was up at 8.30 am sometimes!.. very unusual for me!, but i have to get into a different pattern with Ben, who is definitely not a Lark like me!i know this is with the Lords help,it was hard adjusting,it has taken years, but now its just one less stress in my life, which the enemy cant use! I have joined a Gospel choir, it great fun and seems to help my breathing.

Being laughed at?, BEING LAUGHED AT...you must be joking!...

Something i have just remembered i wanted to share!,somewhere i read that men and women were asked what scared them most in life, and i think the women said Rape and murder, but Men said being LAUGHED at..its an amazing difference!! my immediate reaction was that men are just selfish shallow creatures!!, but if course when i really think about that its not true, i do feel sorry for the fact that Men have such fragile egos,that they can be so easily crushed...to me its annoying to be laughed at,but it does not destroy me or my self confidence!!,(last week every night for about three days as we took the dogs for a walk up the main road, we had lads in souped up cars beeping their horns at me..one even barked!! ),nasty, but definitely not my greatest fear!! (its stopped now,i spent a few days praying while i went, and now its turned back into a nice peaceful experience!!)..i really am having trouble getting my head round this, its just unbelievable really!! I am lost for words...

let in again.

I have been able to get to the blog, i have been trying for a few days now!! i don't know when i will be able to access it again!i will keep trying!!

able to post again!

What is it about August that Google hates?!!, a few years ago in august i couldn't post either, i have repeatedly tried to sign into blogger to no avail ah me!!.. All the things i was planning to post as soon as i got back on?...cant remember a single one now..its Mikes birthday party on Sunday,Helen's mum died on Sunday and while i know it is sad she was an old lady who had known the Lord for a very long time,i heard about another woman Sarah who died on the 31st of July,but that was really sad because she was only 49, and had some very young children, her and her husband ran a wonderful christian meeting called garage Praise, literally in a Garage where the rest of the week they fix cars!i never met Alma, Helen's mum, and i only met Sarah just about two weeks before she died, and i only met Dot once but i did share what God had done for me(,her husband Trevor is a friend of mikes and Brian's,who made a commitment to the lord last year,she has some sin in her life, which Trevor had forgiven, but she couldn't forgive herself, and when i heard Di say the other day that she had killed herself i was about to correct her, but then she said she refused to eat..so she really did commit suicide.. its a sad time.I saw Alma with one foot in this world and one in Glory,she so wanted to be in Glory with her saviour, now shes there, she made it home,i understand why the early church had a party when one of them went home!!

Focus and listening

Its a worrying time for me at the moment, i missed the regional meeting last night,Ben had an "absence" yesterday morning, we had got up early because i was taking my grandchildren out, with Tash and Ben. I saw a program on t.v about sudden death for epileptics, and have resisted researching it until today, i would have rather not known,like an Ostrich sticking my head in the sand!!..Ben has absences, not full blown Seizure's, which make him less likely for sudden death,he is young and male, which can be a risk factor..but the advice was mainly for him to avoid stress, and get plenty of sleep, so i have to decide what to do about that with the Lords help...he has a mobile phone which he has started to use more,does that small screen count a towards the four hours the Neurologist said was the limit for Ben?... it will take me a few days to work through this,hopefully i will allow the Lord to will guide me right, as He always does! i just have to make sure i am listening and not get overwhelmed with the worry of it all, worry for me anyway always seems like Doubt in God..

Conundrums, and disappointments...

i am going through a difficult situation at the moment which has been troubling me since thursday night..a brother in the Lord made a sexual comment, not to me,but in general,( an un-saved person standing next to us had said he was going to "get his d**k out",unpleasant but then one of my christian brothers, a person who is high up in the C.M.A said " i think i'll get mine out too", then a woman, also a christian, who i like said,looking at me," well if he's going to get it out i am going to look" hopefully meaning the first guy!!...) I am at a loss to know what to do and think, maybe it was a test...maybe bikers, even Christians, talk like this!!i don't, and i hope i am not a prude, but i don't believe that sort of talk should come out of a believers mouth,i always try to talk and act as i would if the Lord was standing right beside me...I wouldn't choose to be friends with a person who talks like that,should i sit under their ministry? the woman is a worship leader at the Biker Church, how can i respect her any more? The man is one of the people who runs the Biker Church.What do i do?....

Bumps in the night..

What a night! i have woken up with a headache,first of all the large aluminium stepladder which was standing at the top of the stairs fell over when i was fast asleep, i struggled out of bed to pick it up and Ben said "Suki knocked it over" i am not convinced though,he has walked past it many times!... will be reading the book of Nahum out loud in a few minutes, (someone i know told me it is a spiritual warfare book in the Bible).For a few days now there have been noises in the Kitchen, when no one has been in there, so i guess i should have dealt with this before... i have been having vile dreams for a few days as well which is never a good sign!!
When i came back from the Praise meeting on Saturday night there was a terrible smell in the kitchen,right by the back door,that end of the house always have had a lot of Enemy activity..we live in an English terraced house, three rooms long,with four rooms on the next floor, and an attic room on the third floor.Above the kitchen at the end of the house are two rooms, a bedroom and a bathroom,when i first moved in and for a few years after that i would hear a loud noise in the kitchen, like a huge Metallic object had been dropped,and in the bedroom above when my kids have slept in there things have happened,as a child Nathan was convinced aliens were coming through the window,and when Joe slept in there he saw things outside,(i am not going to say what because i don't want to give the enemy any credit for anything)....!
Even the next door Neighbour told me once that he had seen his back door handle rattling with no one outside, (it is a glass door, so he could have seen a person there!!).The Lord has allowed me to see somethings that have happened in the spot where my house is, which has helped me to pray against the Enemies works. Praise Him!!

B.M.F, and Cody.

I had a pretty rough weekend,we had Joe's dog,Cody for almost six days,he kept Suki in order as he is still a puppy,i made a mistake when we were having a Chinese meal, i put the paper from the top of the container on the table, Suki grabbed it and Cody objected as he is really dominant about food,and attacked poor Suki. He has a cut on his chin, his eye was bleeding, and it is now infected!! that's dogs for you, just a second of not paying attention!! my fault.
I couldn't go to the Biker church as Mike wasn't able to come, and Cody tends to be very loud(he howls!),i had to move the car because the road is being resurfaced, Ben was up but Cody still cried and howled when i was out!! But the good news is we did the B.M.F national road rally, with 270 bikers going through the checkpoint we manned, Chris and Clare were not able to be there,as they had just started their new job, and as it was their 'baby'their idea! but we all managed! Praise God!! I know that some of the aggro that is being thrown at me is because i am now doing the Prayer co-ordination for the local C.m.a.but we all know what will happen to the Enemy at the end of this age! there is a lake of fire waiting for him, and his Servants!

Good weather

I am sitting on a very warm Welsh hillside,its going to be 80f today the sun is in at the moment,i have such a hard life!! i do feel a bit guilty when so many people have to be stuck in work, but we have so little good weather in this country, so we have to take the opportunities when we can, and i havent been able to come here because of my broken wrist..Chris and Clare are starting their new career running a Residential Caravan site.

Change..

Everything is changing with the local Christian Motorcyclist Association,the Chairman and vice chairman are both having to move away because of work...at first i found it very unsettling, but i know it means i am doubting God, He is in this!!I am going through a sleepless period again! and its not even Ben's fault!! At Tashies farm their Grass is being harvested to make animal feed for the winter, two fields worth of Grass!its just an insight for me!...Nathan has got a job in administration at the local hospital,Tash needs to find work,she has a job at the hospital too, working in the kitchen, but hardly ever has any hours, to work.
Zannie has had a job for years working in a big shop, selling household and dress making materials.Joe is working full time at a local furniture re-cycling warehouse. So that's all good news, they are productive members of society!... the only fly in the ointment is that i have put on weight...8 kilos..but i am not the weight i was when i started this two and a half years ago! and i am going to try really hard to get back on track, with the lords help, as always!!

micro managing,un forgiveness and the Poison Dwarf....

I have just been thinking about how i try to micromanage others,i feel i have to be responsible, that people need my help,but really i think they cant manage without me!!, then i started to think that if things go wrong after i haven't helped others that its my fault, and it made me remember being with abusers who blamed some lack in me, for their actions,or any of their behaviour! ( my Mum too ,when i made a mistake would always find fault in me,what "had i done wrong?", when i was followed by a predator as a child and the Police came to my house to interview me,she wasn't proud i reported it,she just got angry that i would have to stand up in court and be disbelieved...misplaced worry for me?..,when i took my children to a local beauty spot and encountered a flasher,she said I was wrong for being there alone, without a man to protect me!!....)
My sister wants to make my Mum out to be a flawless saint who never did any wrong!! She did to me!!, she was an ordinary woman who made mistakes! she even admitted it and said she was sorry for the way i was treated! Goodness knows how hard it is to be a Parent!!, i do and i am very glad the Lord gave me the mother He did, with all her flaws!!, its a shame my Sister has no forgiveness and want to keep on fighting my Mums battles, she has gone, and SHE forgave, why cant she....and that they want to hold my Dads previous faults against him, and carry on the bitterness and un-forgiveness into yet another Generation, sad, sad ,sad..Mum would not have wanted that for Any of those she loved.So i am finished with Micro managing!!with the Lords help anyway!!

Sunday again!

I cant believe its Sunday again, time really does fly, last Sunday i spent most of the day in hospital with Ben who had taken an overdose, not to kill himself,but because he has been seeing things in his mind about films he has been watching, not even horror films,but a film with Kurt Russell called "Breakdown",and in his muddled reasoning the Epilepsy medicine helps him not to have the "waking dreams",and thinks it will help him not to obsess about things!! We are having a biker church today at a Biker Cafe about 20 miles away, at Lynn's again, so i will be taking the equipment! its great to feel useful! will update before i post this! Yes it was a great meeting, then i went out for a meal with some of the kids!so a great day and weekend,its great to be able to drive again and today we are going to the local C.M.A meeting in the next county and i will be getting the laptop back and should be able to do some of the work as secretary!!

Denise

Its late at night!.. 1 a.m here in England and i have just finished watching an inspiring t.v program,i watched an old episode of "Heartbeat" this afternoon, its a Police series set in Yorkshire in the 1960,s, its just a picture of sleepy village life in rural England,a woman was shot while standing in a car park with four other people,by a sniper at a distance of 250 yards,of course the bullet was meant for someone else and we are shown a woman returning to her home and her husband who is there , he is the local Gamekeeper.
I immediately knew he was the Murderer and the bullet was meant for his wife!!...i wish i wasn't always suspicious of the husbands, but unfortunately its always true... later on it is revealed that she has been having an affair, so of course the implication is that 'she had it coming'...The program later on a local christian channel,U.C.B,united christian broadcasters,was about forgiveness a young Pastor called Dean tells the wonderful inspiring story of being able to forgive his step father for murdering his mother Denise,Dean had spent 13 years with great un-forgiveness and in fact had wanted to kill Bob his (ex stepfather),he sought out Bob,and we see them meeting and interviews with some of the other people in Deans family talking about the impact of the Murder on them, also Bobs daughter, who has a restraining order against her father, because in her words" i don't feel safe around him"...and "how could he kill someone he seemed to genuinely care about"...
Deans sister explains how impressed she is with Dean, but does not feel able to make that commitment.Dean is an inspiration, and was very worried because Bob does not know how to forgive himself, which he says many times through the program, the trouble is the Bob like all abusers does not really think he SHOULD forgive himself, because he does not feel he has done anything wrong.Later he tells Dean about the night when it happened about the argument before, how deans mum Denise had been going square dancing with another man,instead of spending time with the kids, which he had agreed to,then changed his mind, how she had spent too much money, and how he had calmly gone and got a baseball bat and hit her four times,after the first time she said "why", he didn't understand why he did it...He did not show any emotion, or guilt when telling the story, in fact recounted it as if he was telling an everyday story of going to the shops....i was encouraged that his present girlfriend had in looked into his past, and had decided not to continue the relationship,she was the daughter of the local sheriff, and that is how she was able to find out, he had kept his past a secret, and kept moving around.

Ego versus humility? self esteem versus Dependence on Him?

What a day!, i am just back after spending all day in the hospital, but i don't want to talk about that today,I am a dirty rotten sinner,in the worldly view i am "putting myself down", the world thinks i should have self esteem, a big Ego to shield myself against the affects of my sinful nature,We have the Holy Spirit,our conscience,who convicts us when we sin.do i believe the worlds opinion of me, or do i believe Gods? He loves me unconditionally and as the God who made the Universe, made me i should love myself and all His creation? Everyone dislike those type of people who are puffed and very satisfied with themselves, who don't strive to be better, in fact those who blame others for every failing in their lives,a typical abusers attitude! "i am entitled".... to treat others with complete disrespect and contempt,to be stepped over to get to the top,fighting always against the others RIGHT, to determine their own lives, make their own choices!..

Praise meeting tonight

Wow what a night!...very strange,i wasn't sleepy until about 1 a.m which is unusual for me! ben was his usual unpleasant self,shouting i was tricking him when i finally went to bed,and slammed his bedroom door..he was awake until 4 a.m,the old dog nipper was barking to go down stairs TWICE, the third time i just fell back to sleep!every hour i was woken up by something.and the next door neighbours dog was barking out side at 6.30 a.m, which woke me up so i just gave up and got up then! Yes it is annoying, but i was reading back to the start of this blog and my most creative times with writing about abuse and the Enemies tactics are those sleepless night so maybe the enemy is not so clever?.., (he is, of course!!.),we are going to a Praise meeting tonight, i don't know if that was what it was all about. Very strange..its only a week now until i have to see the doctor about my wrist and i just hope it will mean i can have the cast off!

The mayor, and the Bishop!

Its been a quiet few weeks,Since we had a stand at the local agricultural show, the town bishop was there, and surprisingly was getting "stuck in" with all us common people!! a really nice down to earth guy, later on the local Mayor was posing for pictures on the motor bikes! so it was a very interesting time,Christian Bikers seem to be the fashion in the local Christian world at the moment, people are falling over themselves to have us at their meetings at the moment...strange!!but nice too, its great to be recognized by our peers, but the main purpose to all we do of course is to get the gospel out to unbelievers!the weather has been strange, its been so cold until today and its really too hot today...and i have a new netbook, or notebook i am not sure what it is called, but i feel a lot less cut off from everything as my laptop is in for repair, setting it up to use for the cMA,and it is really great, i am so fed up with my ipad ,10 hours of charging for about half an hours use!,

More mundane stuff, and lovely time with Dad

God is good all the time, life is very quiet, haven't had any meeting for a week or so,but a busy weekend coming up soon,I had a great time with my Dad last week,we went for lunch! He was on his usual form very charming, and seeing as he is eighty that's really good! Of course we try to avoid talking about the past, life is too short, thank you Lord for this restoration!

Disapointment in the Duggars

Very disappointed to read yesterday on the excellent blog "everyday victim blaming" about the news of the Christian family, the Duggars, and the admission, and apologies of the eldest son for abusing five girls when he was 15,the blog said that the family had known for a year,and instead of protecting the victims had protected the Criminal, leaving him with time to Offend again...The Victims have a right to anonymity,but as the only Adults Jim and Michelle are directly responsible for those extra crimes, what makes it even more heartbreaking is that this is a small community and the victims would have been very well known to the Parents,or even closer... I have been in a similar situation, forgiveness was expected and close association with the criminal, who was protected from any consequences.I was an adult woman, and with the Lords help, He has brought me through, to forgiveness.BUT I HAVE NO DESIRE to be anywhere near Howard, the perpetrator,which is a natural reaction, and instinct, but these young girls will have to have been in daily contact with the criminal, and I know guilt and shame was put on me for refusing any contact, those girls have lived in a new kind of Hell, please Lord help them.

Mundane stuff

Mark was let out of hospital and went back in again almost straight away, poor guy. I am without my laptop again, as Alec has it back to install all the things I need to do the secretarial work at last, Ben is not sleeping again, but instead of staying downstairs with him until he seems to be tired I am going to bed at a regular time,usually 12- 12.30,which does make it a lot more tolerable for me!

In Plaster..

I fell down in the garden yesterday so now my right arm is in plaster, so annoying, I can still type quite fast though even with my left handed!i have to have the plaster on for four weeks, so no driving!

Cravans,locks, and Chairs

Ben had a little tantrum on Sunday, cant remember what about, but he broke the key off in the back door so instead of going to the caravan as i was intending to do today, i have to go out and buy another lock and as i dont have a spare key for the other door, (well i do, but Andy my son in Law has it) and i dont really want to ask him for it back, i cant go away to the caravan until it is fixed...it is windy though and its no joke on a welsh mountainside,looking directly down to the ocean when there are gales force winds like last week!!..,the wind just blows in hard from the sea and the caravan literally is a tin box, it gets very noisy! I am still waiting to take up my duties as secretary for the Local Christian motorcyclist Asociation,the chairman a woman, husbands has been wanting to put a new programme on it that is supposed to help me do office work, but hasnt had time to do it so she is still doing the secretarial work as well as being the Chair, and doing the Biker Church as well... The victim support people rang me today,which was nice of them,as i had been to the Police about my son and his girlfriend stealing from me,He is not speaking to me now, i guess cos i went to the Police!!! Its like Howard telling everyone he forgives ME, totally backwards!

Blessing those who curse and despitefully use us! most of the time

I really want to bless those people i have had to forgive over the long passage of my life,yesterday three of the latest were all in the same place at one time!!(my daughter Rosanna, (Zannie's) house,with Howard and Nathan)!!..i am so annoyed at myself that I let a feeling of annoyance get through and didn't immediately get down to praying for Blessings for them!!, i could even have been outside the place and prayed in in the Spirit, Darn it!!,i will be asking the Lord to give me another opportunity! Praise Him! for He is good all the time!!

BALLS

Its a sunny day, Ben was up at 6.30am,and i am going to go out today! it doesnt seem to take much to help me to cheer up!!We took the dogs out yesterday to Tashies farm, and the dogs had a good run! He wasnt up til 2.30pm but i am not allowing him to stay up really late any more, i do have to endure some swearing and being accused of "tricking" him!! when in fact i am quite upfront about what is happening!!He misunderstands the word...Nipper my 12 year old Yorshire Terrier is getting in fights with Spike, the two year old, both still have their testicles, so people would say its my fault for not having them castrated, but to be honest i had Toto and Biggles "done" and it makes no difference to how much they fight, and at the present moment i have three uncastrated males, two yorkies,and one husky,the female, Gizmo is "Done",but that is only because i dont want any more puppies,and when she had the Opration she almost died, i am a responsible owner and they never come into contact with females who havent been done, i think it is morally wrong, and cruel to put Dogs through non-Life saving operations,and it makes huskies shed FAR more!AND OF COURSE its steady income for the Vetinary surgeons! no wonder they promote it so much!!

VICTIM?...NOT!.. VICTORIUS!! (in Him)

Yes the enemy of our souls is trying to pull me down.. to get me to give up on the Lord,but with His strength He will bring me through this trial as He has done with all the other things, that have been thrown at me through my life, i reject the thought that Satan has planted that i have "Victim" tattooed on my forehead!!! I don't,The Lord is what matters, and telling others about Him and His goodness and forgiveness to us all!! Yes two of my children have betrayed, one by stealing,and the other by choosing my Violent ex-husband Howard,over me, (NOT her Dad,, whatever he says), yes i spent a few days in a "pity party", but the Enemy will not have the Victory in my family!!He is already a defeated foe, on the Cross, and his days are numbered! Hallelujah!!

Sick and tired

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired! Yes my life has been rough, it's as if the enemy has been throwing everything he can at me to drive me away from the Lord, with Gods help that won't happen as I am nothing without the Lord in my life, God is good all the time and it's His will in my life that matters, we had a great meeting last weekend and 60 bibles were given out to bikers, with prayers going out with everyone, Praise the Lord, it's exciting times, it is a real privilege to do Gods work, and to be in His Will. I went all the way to the event on the back of my trike, I was freezing when I got there and for a long time after the journey home,I sat in a sleeping bag for two hours before I warmed up! Mostly my legs, and it was only a twenty mile journey!!

A long hard week, cue song"and i would walk 500 miles" or drive!

It has been a long hard week,I have driven over 500 miles,and I have been to the Police about the Money that was stolen from my bank.I went to the National Annual General Meeting of the Christian Motorcyclist Association, that was a 170 mile journey in one day, I really didn't want to go, but felt strongly that I was supposed to go,and that God wanted me too...Brian also felt he should go,and spoke up really well several times in the meeting.I also managed to get to the caravan this week too,I never actually got to the beach, but I am quite happy I went even just for the one night...of course I left the key in the car and managed to drain the battery so had to get the R.A.C out to jump start it for me!!..
Ben was as unpleasant as always,shouts and screams, and hates going...and it took him a long time to snap out of it, until the evening which is unusual..Tash was going to have him for the day when I went to the A.g.m,but I took him with me,and he was being unpleasant,openly in front of others to me which is a new thing,Tash has said to me this week that she is a bit worried he will get aggressive with her if she spends too long with her, in fact he locked her and Max in the kitchen just a few months ago,when I was out,in a temper, so of course he can't be left with her anymore and the list is really short now of people I can leave him with, just Darren!,

Let down by those I trusted...

It has been a frustrating few hours, I am having to call in some loans from people who I thought I could trust to pay me back with out me having to chase them up, I am feeling like a Real MUG, I understand about being owed money by my children that's what parents do to help out their kids, and non of them can rely on their Dads to help them,but it's not my kids I am annoyed about, I have moved my money into some where that pays great interest, and is much harder to get hold of, at least a month to get into! Once bitten twice shy! Someone who one of my children trusted took a lot of money from my account without asking,it's taken a few weeks but it's been moved,(the rest of it) and will make it harder for me to help my kids in an emergency, but has to be done! Leave me with a really bad feeling, a nasty sort of after taste,worst thing though is the person took the money out made me promise not to tell him,( my son), because it was "my son who had got them into debt" ...and I really hate that..and of course it could be because it was all a lie...will never know, and I will tell him if it's not paid back in the instalments they agreed...

Budgie andfootsteps

Last night I heard footsteps in my house across the landing I have heard this before, (Ben was in bed and there was no one else in the house) and when there a hole in the Victorian panel door i have noticed a movement outside the door, the same night as Ben had a dream that the terminator had come into his room....I immediately prayed and asked the Lord to take away whatever demon was causing it, I have heard footsteps for years, and it took me praying every night for all the supernatural things to stop in my house, it's the Lords house really of course, not mine at all... so i am now typing this on my mobile phone with a tiny keyboard! i cant actually see what i am doing...i started it on my ipad but it dies and now i have to use my last resort my phone,i had a lovely email from my dear friend Terry,she is more than a friend she is my sister in Jesus,she has the wonderful website "spiritual side of domestic violence" she is now going to start a bible study,i have never met her but she has always been there for me,when i have been upset at Howard's antics and is very sensitive to the enemies tactics,a wonderful Sister,.I really Praise God for her.
There is a popular advert on t.v. At the moment here with a budgie and a cat, who sing a love song to each other, and the owner looks on with amazement, the song is you "are all I need" I used to just see it as just a funny thing but recently it has been unsettling me,It reminds me of that old story of the animal that needs a ride to cross the river,and a fox offers the animal a lift, it could be a chicken!!,the fox promises not to eat the chicken but half way across starts to,the chicken asks why,the fox says I can't help it, it's my nature,it just reminds me so much of Abusers,they will Say anything to get back their control and power,but Nature will out!

Annoying ipad

I am without my trusty laptop at the moment,!so I am Using my very unreliable iPad, hard to charge,annoying!i blithely said I can use Bens but the key for @ does not work. Grrr! Silly me

Great Meeting, and GREAT GOD!

We had a great meeting at Chris and Clares house yesterday, they want to know more about the Bible,and we do the Bible study We are doing as a Branch, which the National Executive of thee C.M.A requires we all do.We had a great day on Sunday at the Vintage Bike show in a tiny Village near here,a lot of Biker Bibles were given out, and they were some great conversations with the Un-Saved,God is good!! ALL the time1 Hallelujah!!

Eclipse,equinox and sleeping well!!

It was the eclipse yesterday, and the spring eqinox, and a super moon!! whatever that is!!..,things went a bit crazy here in the U.K...hundreds of thousands of people went outside to look at the Eclipse, which actually no-one can see with the naked eye anyway!!...such a non event.. it just went a bit dull and cloudy, there was an eerie sort of yellow light at the same time too.Now no one cares about that anymore becuse its the Rugby finals now so everyone is focused on that, oh the fickleness of us humans! I am sleeping a lot better now, except on tuesday/wednesday night when neither Ben or i could sleep i have been trying to find out whar celestial event was happening that night to cause us both not to sleep at all, very strange,I was on the point of going to the "Throneroom" i.e making a formal request to the Lord to stop the attack of the Enemy,i was going to read the book of Nahum in the house (which is the spiritual warfare book to read to force the Enemy to retreat, but i didnt do that either, God is good,ALL THE TIME!

Secretary, chairwoman, and Chairmen of Vice!!

I was voted in as the Secretary for the Branch of the Christian Motorcyclist Association which was very nice and encouraging! I really want to support all that the Branch does,Di was voted in(unanimously!)as the Chairman,Chris was voted in as the Vice Chairman jointly with Roland! So it was an exciting day yesterday, and Di asked me to do the minutes straight away!! eek!..bit daunting but did it!.I have been reading some of the official documents from the National meeting, Di has sent an excellent very funny letter talking about people being Members, or just supporters! as only memebers have voting rights which is rather silly as the whole organisation is supposed to be about evangelism, and Brian spoke about this yesterday, how he does not feel right about becoming a member or offical supporter and that all he wants to do is witness to Bikers, which is what it all is supposed to be about!...

Sleeplessness, and nights spent on the settee ,again!

Ben has been going through a bad phase of not sleeping, or being up all night and sleeping all day, a week ago i went through about two weeks of just sleeping on the settee because i just couldn't get to bed, as i cant leave him downstairs and go to bed because he has no sense of danger,so he is not safe to be left alone.(once something in the kitchen went on fire and just sat on his chair and ignored the smoke pouring into the room!!)
I know why this is happening,because i am going to be proposed as the Secretary for the Christian motorcyclist association for this county and the next one!..Great news and a real blessing, but the Enemy is not happy, i haven't been sharing anything bad that has been happening to me on this blog for a couple of months because i didn't want to give the enemy any clue that his tactics were getting through to me, which was probably a bit silly because the Enemy of our souls has had six thousand years of tempting people and he knows full well the effect he is having on me and mine..!! there are no secrets from Him on Earth anyway..
So some of the things i haven't shared? Andre was over and staying with Mike as per usual,of course (Howard the violent abusive ex had) to make an appearence, because he knows that Andre has my "ear",it WAS my fault he was mentioned, Andre said that he and Mike had been out playing darts with a great guy called Eddie, who is one of Howard's friends, and i jokingly said " Eddies a great guy just not happy with some of his friends", which of course opened the gate for comments from Andre,"Howard is really going on with the Lord, i do have a witness of the Spirit with him and believe he is really born-again", In fact the usual old rubbish, designed by the Enemy to bring me back into a "relationship" with Howard which would not be giving glory to God AT ALL!!, but the most annoying thing was said was that that "Howard forgives you".
I had opened the flood gates by a thought-less remark and not guarding my tongue, i had thought that because i was speaking to a trusted friend i didn't need to watch what i said...BIG MISTAKE, BIG BIG MISTAKE...We live and learn!! So i spent a couple of days annoyed with myself, which was well deserved!!
The next irritating incidence was with Rosanna, she decided she was going to talk about Howard coming around her house,(on facebook), i said she was showing a shocking lack of loyalty to me and her Dad Mark,(THE GOOD EX)!!i told her to chose and that i could not be in her life if he was,because she has chosen Him over me, and is letting him have a foothold in my life, which i wont allow, its strange she is one of those people, children of mine, i do love her but don't like her, she is another one just like my sister, with no loyalty to their Family.
I was upset by her betrayal in 2010 when this all started, and the lies he told about being her and Tashie's Dad,everyone in my family now know it was lies, but it did upset everyone for a while.I am not Sad,so the Enemy has not won in this incidence anyway! Praise the Lord!

Too nice..

I was reading an introduction to a book, on amazon cos I am too tight (mean) to pay for the whole book!.It was a worldly book, a kind of self help book for women, the subject was being "too nice" the Author thinks as women we seek approval over self respect.. Anyway the point I was trying to get to in this long winded way is that she set 20 questions, and a score of two was o.k over five and you had a problem, I scored 4! But I know that even a few months ago I would have scored much much more!!The Lord has been doing a work in me changing my nature! I innocently thought that I was changed enough and there was nothing much more the Lord could do for me...because obviously I was so perfect already! Joke! I knew I wasn't but it has come as a surprise, a wonderful surprise!! God is good...all the time!! Hallelujah, Praise God

Old Rose.

I have finally got the old green car through the M.O.T,much against everyones advice, mostly that because it as old i would spend more money on it than it was worth, which i have! but i just love it it felt like a member of the family, and although i have another newer car, which is a wonderful Jeep and very useful and reliable on long journeys,God told me to buy the old green car in 2001, and only one thing has every gone wrong with the engine in all that time! God has not told me to get rid of it, and i guess i am being too sentimental,but it was always such a blessing to me, because all the cars i had before that were just money pits, and were always breaking down on me!!. I have been 'Husky proofing' the garden today,which meant putting some recycled chain link fencing aroung the corner of the Hedge where here are gaps as that is a really old hedge too, and i was able to bend an old rose bush more into view at the same time, when we moved into this house, 30 yr ago, the Garden was full of Roses,we got rid of them and planted grass for the kids to play on,but this Rose is in the midst of the Hedge so must have got missed, it may not even have been planted by the previous occupants, its red lovely in the summer and hardly ever been cut back, so just looks after itself!its got to be 30 years old if not more...strange but very nice to know that Nature "will out"( as Jeff Goldblums Chracter says on Jurasic Park!!They use Frog D.N.A to fill in the gaps to clone the Dinosaurs, and some frogs can change Sex if need be, and thats how the Males are produced, as all the Dinosaurs were made only Female). One day this week i got 400 views on this blog....strange! but nice i guess!..May God bless every one of those people who view here!

Forty Bibles.

Exciting days! i was at a Bike show in a town near here on sunday, only managed to talk to one person and give out one Bible!!,but they managed to give out about 40 bibles over the whole weekend!! so Praise the Lord for that! and He will make sure every Bible impacts someone, because as the Bible says, "His word does not return void" Brian was just amazing, despite having a full time job he was at the show for three whole days.I missed Andres wedding because Ben didnt get up early enough, it was my fault too as i didnt arrange things better, but he and Josetta are going to come up to visit us so i will have a chance to meet her! God is Good! all the time!

Family, and everyone sharing

I was reading a book years ago about Abraham searching for the "City of God", and this book is a kind of modern Pilgrims progress,i will try to find it and give some quotes at some point but yesterday one thing that struck me was Chris saying that we at the meeting last night were all family....such a simple statement but it really describes what a true church should be...more later!

up a gear and new Zeal

Well it has really been an exciting week, things have gone "up a gear", there is a new Zeal in the Local C.M.A, God is moving,there is a new season coming up of shows and the oportunity to witness on the C.M.A stands, to tell others what God has done for us, and what He can do for others too, that there is more to life,forgiveness, and a wonderful life living with Him, its all good! but most of all God is good! Praise Him

Floorboards and loving relationships

I have been replacing some floorboards in my Victorian terrace house,and thinking about the lessons the Lord was teaching me at the same time,back to C.S.Lewis, and his in between places again,he talks about it in the book"the magicians nephew",the children go into the attic of their Victorian terrace, through which they can access some of the other houses, and instead of getting into another one they get into the Uncles Room by mistake, where he experiments on them by sending them to an "in between wood" full of pools which takes them into other worlds, the place is described as not really existing in time but almost a stopping of time, and not being a part of the worlds at all, like the attic above their houses,not a place where anything happens,but connecting all.
This made me think of these tiny insects, smaller than a grain of rice, that have been eating away in the floor underneath me, for the 30 years I have lived here and all the others who lived here in the past 120 years, it's like Sin,it's there working away silently undermining us,
I have to go to the Lord many times and pray that HE will take away the Sin I have forgotten,the bad thoughts about Howard,the everyday irritations, that instead of bringing to the Cross,I don't take captive,and it's there working away!I commented on a blog about a book I read years ago, "Women who love too much",I couldn't remember much about it except the phrase "today I am choosing to" which was a sort of stock phrase to use when we were trying to not react to someone else's unjust actions, not taking responsibility for them.
I found it again today but the most remarkable part was a description of a normal supporting relationship, both ways anyway! The man was interested in her well being supportive, of her interests, always there to rely on! Amazing stuff!! "I remember Howard once saying he "would let me" do a course.....LET ME ...LET ME! Now I let myself,I let myself thrive, survive, be free to do what I want when I want, and one of those freedoms is NOT TO HAVE HIM around, how ever many times he try's!!Praise God for His Love and freedom!

Better off in Eygpt?

As usual i am sitting here with no iea what to write!!..Last night OF COURSE when i was lying in bed. unable to sleep i had planned exactly what to say!! and to talk about in the meeting on Monday night....ahh coming back to me now, i was reading the bible study for yesterday (in my one year bible, because my ipad was dead AS USUAL,) and my phone need charging, so i couldn't read it on the daily email!! It was Exodus just before the Lord gives them the ten commandments,Moses has gone up Mount Sinai and has ordered them to gather at the Bottom,they are told not to go up the mountain,to wash themselves and their clothes,...and the trumpeting starts, and gets louder and louder!! to the point where it is deafening,He then gives out the rules for life, the Commandments, what struck me most though that this wasn't long after they had left Eygpt.So they had seen the Red sea Part, they had heard the HEAVENLY trumpeting, and yet they were still moaning that they would be better off in slavery in Eygypt!!! SO after seeing the miracles how could they challenge the Will of God? and doubt His care for them?? Later Moses gets so exasperated with them that he loses His temper, which causes him not to be allowed to enter the Promised land, which leads me to another thought.Moses spent his entire life outside the promised land which was supposed to be flowing with "milk and honey"...he spent most of his life in Eygpt, and the lands of the un-believers, and yet because of the burning bush,He had turned to the Lord, we are the same because most of the countries we live in claim to be "Christian",we are very much in an un-believing word, and yet his faith was amazing!!