No more darkness and despair!

I have been a peacemaker this week between Mark and Nathan,they were trying to come to an agrement about Marks house where Nathan has been living rent free,and now that his girlfriend Kelly has moved in today they are paying a nominal rent.
I have not been a peacemaker with Joe!!,in fact I let him have it with both barrels! He has been going to a well know drug dealing area in town....so we aren't talking at the moment,until the next time he turns up and has no money!but I won't be giving him any!..tough love...
I had a long discussion with Andre last night,over an hour and it was really easy to talk to him, since we have been friends again it's been hard to talk sometimes,it's getting back to how it used to be!Praise God!..we have had an ongoing battle with the mice, I have caught 4 in the last 6 days in the humane trap and let them go outside.
I hate using poison,in fact I hate killing anything, and am practically a vegetarian,I occasionally eat chicken. But always feel really guilty about that, but haven't had any other meat for a year at least,(I don't think it is biblical to eat Pork,morally object to Lamb,and have been told by medical professionals not to eat Beef,so it doesn't give me a lot of choice!)..i eat fish, I love fish fingers! And have some plain cod,or other fish too but it can be really tasteless!!.i have lost weight,6 lbs,2 kilos since the last time I was weighed,but I really don't have a bad diet,so I have been getting more exercise because of the Husky, so that's explains the weight loss!..
Sometimes I think I concentrate too much on the bad things, or rather the bad people,I read a lot of blogs about Abuse,and it's probably not good, I share because I want to show what God has done for me,but it's hard not to get dragged down sometimes.I was trying to help survivors of Sexual Abuse on Facebook,but the despair was just awful,and I just wasn't qualified to help...so sad but I do pray for them,which is probably the most useful thing to do for them anyway!
I was talking to Andre about how I was falling out with people,with Mike,or rather not really falling out with people but not allowing them to say bad stuff and not challenge them!..He said to take it to the Lord, which I did in the form of a quick prayer,and the very same night the next door neighbours were playing their drums until 1 a.m!
The inconsiderate jerks!!!.., well the woman at least has been trying to provoke me for months,calling me a "bitch",saying things about my "messy garden" when she knew I could hear, but I didn't rise to any of her provocation!! I really don't know why,I am not allowed to, I plan too,I plan exactly what to do,but always feel a "check" in my spirit before I do!..
I suppose all the other "not putting up with fools gladly"..has made me think maybe I am not such a coward as I thought! Just because I did not confront the bombastic bully,(my sister),doesn't mean I can't!!,THE ABUSERS HAVE NOT scarred me for life!!,I can fight back when it's right to!,I just choose not too most of the time!! I am not a coward!!the enemy of our souls was taking me down that path,but not going ANYMORE! Praise God for HIs Love and care for me,and mine! Thank you Lord

" The weight that dragged my heart down....that took me where i need to be"

I was listening to a new U2 song, from their new album,called Innocence, i think! the song is called "California"; Some of the words are.... "We fell into the shining sea......the weight that dragged your heart down.....thats what took me where i need to be....which is Zuma....I watched you cry like a baby...."
Suddenly it was 15 years ago, i was sobbing on my Bed while Howard stood there looking confused... It was just Five words that had undid my WHOLE life....

"You have too many dogs"( they had been fighting under the bed),,
"too many dogs" a simple phrase, which meant so much more than those simple words,his mask had slipped,Howard had made a fatal flaw... You have too many dogs...... Sudden realization....... Utter despair......... He's not changed..... Its all lies......
A Facade.......
HE DIDN'T GUARD HIS WORDS THAT TIME..... his true nature showed, and the Mask slipped, he couldn't keep it up forever!! SO i cry like a baby,deep soul tearing sobs, animal like, for the life we could have had,the lies,the promises he made... all lies!!...i mourn, from deep inside....

Years ago when we first met, he told me 'our' song was another U2 song "With or without you",and of course it is talking about doomed love,very strange that its come back to a U2 song,to end it all!! round it off so to speak, although of course it ended years ago! The "weight that dragged" is significant too, Howard was like all abusers sucking the life out of me,my heart had to go down so his heart could go up like a see saw,almost like HE cant feel good unless I feel bad, He feeds on the pain He causes.Always have to feel good by putting us down.....Dangerous..

The Freedom Programme: 2004 Simpson2014 PistoriusJudges and Magistrates s...

The Freedom Programme: 2004 Simpson2014 PistoriusJudges and Magistrates s...: 2004 Simpson 2014 Pistorius Judges and Magistrates still have a lot to learn about popular excuses for murdering your partner or for...

Mike safe and sound.

Mikes in hospital, i took him some cigarettes yesterday,it was a bit annoying because i had to go to the hospital myself for a colonoscopy, and was really close to his mental hospital, but hadn't got the cigarettes!!!,tried to buy some at the hospital, but who knew, they dont sell them at hospital cafes!! surprise!!!.., so i had to drive round and buy them, then i parked on double yellow lines to deliver them i had no idea which ward he was on so it took some time to get the woman on the desk to find that out!!...Mike looked wild...but actually seemed better in himself!!, i suppose he should do having been in hospital a day and a half at that point! He is safe! thats the main thing, of course when he is Manic he could do anything, he could crash his car...the mind just boggles!!!, but as always God looked after him, He brought Mike all the way back from India last year, so i should not worry about the few miles from his home to the mental hospital!! oh me of little faith!

A Sad excuse for a human being,a man who hurts his own flesh and blood..

"Jon,I like your share on face book about parenting and about being a Grandpa...Surely you have to be a Dad before you can be a grandparent?..Do you know why Joe doesn't want to speak to you? Do you care?? I doubt it but here it is anyway...he is having to pay your council tax for when he wasn't even living at your house,because you forged his signature!!HE WAS GOING TO BE SENT TO PRISON, it was only because they got a really good solicitor that he hasn't, they were able to prove he wasn't even living there when you did the forgery.He can't forgive you for that..YOU WOULD have happily seen him go to prison and not even turned a hair!!! And Daisy sofa surfing on her own with the baby,I do forgive your violence to me,and because it made Ben autistic,but he has no life because of you, never have kids, and have to be looked after forever..HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT.??...HOW can you treat your own flesh and blood like this and have no conscience?.. Never pay a penny for them, and lie to them about it? ( I have the c.s.a. Letters to prove it)... And of course everyone has to put up with it because of your parents sake, no -one want to upset them..so no one tells the truth..you are a sad excuse for a human being"...my message to Jon on Facebook!,not nice, but the truth!

Bravery or stupidity??

Whether good or bad I have told Jon exactly what I think of him...along the lines of, "you are a waste of space"(he did tell me once i was a "waste of skin"),and then locked myself in the house! Not brave I know,but I would do anything to avoid conflict for myself but no one hurts my kids without me getting involved! No response so far...strangely enough...I did say some things I do feel we're a bit strong, but no one ever tells him what they really think, there is some sort of unspoken agreement that everyone knows everyone hates him,but when he talks to my kids they are polite back, are they scared, or is it just stupid British politeness...

Hyper mania

Mikes manic,been going down for a week or so, we went to biker church in Warrington, and he took two homeless guys who he had met fishing,Paul jones and his wife Fiona Hensley we speaking and there were 18commitments or re-commitments to the Lord!Praise Him.so.. mike took them home and let them stay the night,(they had said they were sleeping in a tent in some local fields popular with dog walkers) The next day he gave them the key to his house!...and hadn't seen them again by tuesday afternoon,when I popped into pick up some tarpaulins to use moving Joe and Daisy,he was saying "well they are adults,they can come and go as they please"..later that night he rang really angry and upset because they had stolen money, and he had been racing round town, absolutely furious ,and wanting to confront them, he calmed down after a few days,and by Saturday when I went rounds with Nathan who said he seemed his usual self.....On Monday we had the local CMA meeting at Brian and Helen's house and I offered to pick him up, because I was not sure what his mood would be and I was NOT going to be driven in a car by him if he was manic...At the meeting he talked constantly and was even told jokingly to "shut up"!which he did for about 10seconds!when he went to the toilet, they all said they had noticed how ill he was getting.So on the way home I Talked about it with him,"you are getting I'll again " "no I'm not, you are exaggerating", he got offended so rang me back later to try to convince me he was o.k..."why do you think I am ill" " because you are talking all the time at top speed" "I don't have to listen to a woman,I am going to see Howard tomorrow and I will ask him"Howard will just say the opposite of me ...he's my ex and anything he can do to discredit me he will...I was annoyed , which of course was his diversion technique to stop me challenging him.."go to the doctor, why put yourself through this,and end up in hospital when you can stop it getting worse"all the time being shouted over....but of course he doesn't have to listen to a woman!...I rang the Psychiatrist this morning, her secretary said"he is very lucky to have a friend like you...oh dear oh dear oh dear.!!!!......

A busy week...

It's 4.am!and I can't sleep after a very busy week! Joe and Daisy and baby have moved out,but I have seen them or talked to them most days,and Ben has already put stuff back up in the attic!and I suppose I am glad they are happy and safe,Jon is causing them some grief because he is a toxic person...and an evil cloud seems to cling around him...I know it is demonic and because of me being involved in the c.m.a ministry the enemy is not happy and is getting at my kids...sometimes I feel myself feeling sad for Jon that he is going to miss out on so much in his life,but then I tell myself off, because he has responsibility for his own actions,no-one else,and feeling sympathy is letting him off the hook!...feeling sympathy is saying "you are not responsible for your actions"and he is! That's the shocking truth about Abusers,they are not some innocent victim,they choose it because they enjoy hurting others...the ones they are supposed to love.... REAL Love should not hurt..a normal non abusive human being does not enjoy inflicting pain. In my simplistic way I thought "I do not hurt those I love,so he says he loves me, but treats me badly so he can't love me"...that was such a freeing thought!!!, it took the responsibility away from the bad guy,and I was given the choice,it freed me of my responsibility to him, it made it so simple ""you don't hurt the ones you love,so he doesn't love me".Of course all Abusers really hate the fact that we have the power, and of course they never know when the last straw will be!!!..the whole relationship only exists as long as we are willing to put up with it!...an amazing revelation! I can still remember it to this day! A real "eureka" moment for me!! Once I KNEW there was no turning back for me....I have just realised that I have no idea what a normal "relationship",marriage is like...how it works!..so sad!..now really I don't even care,my parents was a dis functional marriage while it lasted...weird!..I sometimes listen to my friends in happy marriages and really wonder how they do it...then they have a little tiff, apparently not a scary thing in normal marriages!!! and then I know,"ah yes I am so glad I am divorced" TOO much trouble... I don't yearn for companionship, because fortunately I have always liked my own company, I don't yearn for intimacy,because I have no idea how that works in a successful marriage! ( you never miss what you never had)!!..My relationship with God satisfies all my needs! He is all in all to me!..I suppose I am like my mum who was happiest alone,my Dad is happy in his marriage now which is great! God is good, and I am happy to be free to be who I am! i see marriage as just another needy person who wants to take from me.. And I am not prepared to give any of myself away to untrustworthy humans anymore, God is the only trustworthy Being,who gives far more than we can ever know! I hope I have quite successful relationships with my sons and daughters, and I am so grateful to God for them,I have some good friends now who I can turn to when I need help. So I feel pretty happy with my life. Praise God for all His blessings to me and mine.

Fasting and Praying for Gods Healing

Joe and Daisy have been given a flat, its about 10 miles away in the country, so its very quiet! So they are getting the keys on Monday, and will be moving over the next week! Nathan is moving in with his lovely girlfriend Kelly,at his house where they wont have to pay to much rent because Nathans Dad, Mark owns the house, they are decorating and making it their own space, which everyone has to do! So life is good! Praise God all my kids are happy and flourishing, and although the enemy has been trying to get to me, through a few "niggles",i have not given in to Anger,God is my Refuge and strength! We are still praying for my son-in-law's Nephew Gareth(21) who has a very serious type of Cancer, he is not a believer,but Pastor Emmanuel and His church had two days of prayer and fasting for him on monday and Tuesday, which was very humbling, He once told me that they do not eat or drink for the whole time of a fast, even the Babies and small children, and Pregnant women! it puts us all to shame!