Lynns Biker Cafe at Christmas Eve.

I was surprised to read that Winter does not officially start until the winter solstice,and in fact all the seasons start on the solstices!...Not a very interesting fact,but i am a sucker for useless info, i would be quite good at a general knowledge quiz!!. We went to the Local Biker Cafe on christmas Eve, and sang some carols, a lot of people came other areas, staffordshire and north Chesire, and the North Chesire guys have been riding out to the Cafe every christmas Eve for years and our branch didnt know, last year both Helen and i felt to sing carols so this year she brought some Proper carol sheets, last year we could not remember the words of Many..

Annie's song..in the bleak mid winter Christmas 2014

It's Christmas day, 2014, 11.15pm and I am watching "top of the pops" from 1978,and I just realized that this was broadcast on the day that my brother died, aged 17 on Christmas day...bit of a shock and then I felt really guilty because I had been enjoying it,and haven't actually been thinking about him all day, I think I had made a joke about it being the worst Christmas since 1978...yesterday when I was talking to Mike about how much I don't like Christmas,he had been feeling down, and finally told me yesterday it was because of Christmas....I don't really think about the day much, but did do a piece for the carewrite blog a few years ago,with it being my Mums birthday on the 23rd, and that was the day he went into hospital,I stood at the gate while he went in the ambulance, alone I don't know where everyone else were, maybe my Mum was in the ambulance with him,my Dad had left,and was living in Walsall, my mum later told me he had been conceived on her birthday...i think I had to stay home and look after Nicky, who was 12,Mike had opened his present from my Dad, an antique chess set, and had a coughing fit.. , he wasn't able to get out of bed at that point, and hadn't for a few days, he was playing his guitar, a lot then,when he had the energy to do it...He had an appointment at the Brompton heart hospital in London.Years later my cousin Darren wrote a poem called "my cousin was dying" which was published in His anthology, and how he had felt resentful of the attention he got.. "top of the pops" has just ended with John Denvers "Annie's song" which was played at Mikes funeral, and yesterday I sang the carol "in the bleak midwinter" which was at his funeral as well....

Ashes to Ashes, and Bombastic bullies,part 3..

Oh dear, i shouldn't have done it but i read my sisters blog, its left me feeling very annoyed but its not just that, i was on the phone to my Dad and mentioned to him how it had made me laugh to the point i was gasping for air, not nice of me, not nice at all..., certainly not a christian thing to do....she was praising my mum,making her into a saint, and yet is holding that same "saints" ashes hostage until i toe HER line,and do what she wants,and it was on the anniversary of the day my mum died...unspeakable person.How much can she actually love my Mum when she wont allow her ashes to be buried in my brothers grave, which is what she really wanted, Even my Dad, (who they always wanted to make out was like Satan himself) was willing to allow it as he owns the Grave site....She wants me to speak to her,be friends again,which seems like a small thing to normal people,"why cant you do it for your Mums sake" is the question i imagine i would be asked,which seems reasonable!! The only thing is i do forgive her for her cruel behaviour to me and my children over the years, but it does not mean i will have anything to do with her,and her last bit of power, (she thinks) over me are the Ashes of our Mother, she is trying as usual to control me,because i am sorry to say,she is an unpleasant controlling person who tries to make me bend to her will!!, which i have done far too much over the years,So its not happening anymore!!..May God bless her and keep her, and one day bring him to her!..Which He can!!... She has decided she has Aspergers!!.. which is REALLY offensive to those people who actually have it, and even got a Doctor to back her up,(a private doctor who charges a lot of money) the doctor didn't dare disagree!! and i know this because i have been to a Doctor with her and the doctor told me later that he felt she was pushing for her agenda!! clever Man!(Of course one of the main symptoms of Asperger's is a failure or difficulty to communicate, and she definitely has no problem with that!! even to the point of verbally savaging anyone who disagrees with her on Twitter, and getting her sycophantic followers to viciously attack anyone who disagree with her too..!!) AND i remember the poor solicitors face (when i had asked her to intervene with Nicky,and get my Mums ashes buried), she looked like she had been hit by a Hurricane, poor woman!! she had been screamed at down the phone that it wasn't ME that wanted to bury the ashes but in fact she believed it was My Dad that was some "Evil puppeteer", her words! Though of course why would a Man who had been divorced from my Mum for 30 years and had not contact with, care anything about her ashes? Logic would say he wouldn't UNLESS HE of course was not the man she has always believed him to be!!So sad!!

Max the Camel, and Bikers church

Max had his christmas play yesterday, he was a camel!..we went to bikers church on sunday,which was wonderful as always, and we are all praying about the Bikers church we are having at a bikers Cafe 15 mils away in April! it has been an eventfull few weeks,( i am not going to give the enemy any credit so i am not going to talk about it yet!) Or any fore warning either!I have got the lovely patches from Terry and i stuck them on but they didnt stay on very well so i am going to have to sew them on,i dont have a leather attachment on my hand crank sewing machine so its going to have to be by hand! ouch!

Membership, and confidence in my "calling" And a "twentieth century Boy"

I have tried looking back through my Posts to see if i mentioned about being made a member of C.M.A?,i cant find anything so if i have i am sorry, i had a text from Di who is the acting chairman of the Branch, saying my yearly membership as up for renewal, and " we really want u to continue serving God alongside us",( and because i had done the whole workbook i could become a full member instead of just a supporter!!) Wow.... first time i have ever been in an organisation, or church where i have been made to feel of Value!!!.. Which is really nice of course but it really confirms to me that this is where the Lord wants me to be, which is of course the Point of everything!! , as there is really no point doing anything if God has not "called " you to do it!!I went to my old friend Rays funeral last week,it was something i had been praying about becasue Ray and the other old friends i met there are all back-sliden Christians1 we had all met at a coffee bar set up in the 1970's, i am the only who who is now a believer,Marks friend,also called Mark did say he had been put off by some christians behaviour but still believed, just not going to church!!It was a strange experience to see them again, i went on my own becasue Mark had said he wanted to go but felt too ill the day before,his brother said He would have taken him if he had heard in time, it would have helped Mark to see his old friends... Ray had said he wanted Marc Bolans song Twentieth Century Boy played at his funeral...because that is what he felt he was! I want to have a Bikers funeral, (with Amazing Grace sung, because thats the theme song for so many of Us), 23rd Psalm read... I havent told the Kids yet! but who cares really, I wont be there anyway, i will be dancing on the streets of Glory!!

Black Friday... anger, disagreements...

Its been a funny week!...My son Joe has had an attack from the Enemy that actually drove them out of their home..We Prayed and the Enemy was defeated by the Lord yet again!!(I think i had let the Enemy in by being Angry with Joe and some of the bad choices he Made!!!..) The internet has been down,which causes some annoyance for me because sometimes its the only time i get some peace...I dont have the usual "getting in my face" and "flicking me with his sleeve"!!..
Its the so called Black Friday today,something which has been imported from America, when Shops offer massive discounts to draw people in to do their Christmas shopping, because the last few years people have been leaving it nearer to christmas to do their shopping...!
In my bible reading last night it was talking about how the disciples disagreed,it really stood out to me because sometimes believers do anything they can to not disagree!(I cant find the actual quote at the moment because the Internet is down!!!..)
It would be great if the Church now would call Sin SIN,if Churches actually condemned Batterers,but of course they dont and Women are told to take their Husbands back, putting their lives and their children's in Great Danger, i know it says in the Bible somewhere to exclude a Sinner from the Church, and if he refuses to Change NOT to let them back, Does the church do this to look "good" to the World?
I Know in a book i read that Pastors who had recomended Women go back to their Violent husbands soon Changed their minds when their own daughters were in the same situation!!! ( I think its called "Battered into Submission" I cant remember the Author!! I got my wonderful Patches from Terry Loving my dear sister in Christ, who i have never met,and lives thousands of miles away! absolutely beautiful work, and even though in other circumstances Pride is a sin i am going to wear My Patches with Great PRIDE!

Busy Days!!

There have been a lot of views on this blog! quite strange really!most days i get hardly any!!..I wonder who these people are, i dont get any comments, so i cant tell,of course what worrys me is that my ex abusers might read this to find out what is going on with me... but as most of the views are outside Europe i dont think i have anything to worry about!! Its going to be a busy day today,i have an old friends funeral,and Ben is going to his youth club today!Its only a week now until i get the Biker patches for my Leather waistcoat, cant wait, so excited!

Lead us not into temptation.....

It has been quite a week for me, not outwardly,but i have been struggling with a few things, Tooth absses made me miss a meeting at C.m.a,which was at Chris and Claire's,who are always very entertaining, we laugh from begining to end, Helen told me that Di just curled up on the sofa and was happy from there on! There is a meeting next week so God willing i will get there!!,the bright spot of the week is i am getting some Patches for my leather biker waistcoat from my wonderful Sister in Christ, Terry loving! (who runs the excellent website " Spiritual Side of Domestic violence").and some lovely bracelets too!
I am going to wear them all so proudly,and hope to be able to help some other abuse survivors,when i am on the stall(C.M.A.) witnessing to unbelievers,I only tell my story to Glorify God,but of course sometimes people just focus on the bad stuff,when we were going to Biker church, Brian put on a christian teaching tape, where one of the women had been healed by God from the after affects of abuse, and Brian asked me," Is this o.k, Elisa" so of course i am always the woman who bad things happened to!..
I remember a woman who gave her testimony, her son had died in his teens,but she spoke about how God had brought her and her husband through it , and they had not lost their faith,it was a victorious story, and she was giving glory to Him all the way through, but of course whenever i see her she is the woman whose son died! So if i react that way why do i expect others to react differently to me!!..
i have just been listening to a bible teacher who is saying the Prayer of Jabez,says "keep Evil away from me today" deliver me from evil, should be prayed every day, temptation,sin etc.Keep me from people who rub me up the wrong way,people who cause us to Sin, the father of lies will lead us to "seek,kill, and destroy"Of course it is not the other persons fault if we sin! the teacher was saying he hates laziness, so lazy people annoy him so much he gets into sin,i am afraid that i know exactly who does this to me,to a small extent its my ex abusers, but they have more or less been cut out of my life, Praise God,..but there was a woman who comes from a believing family of excellent Christians who i have known for many years, and she did some work for me,very badly,which was o.k because i couldn't do it myself,she got paid very well (over double that of others doing the same Job),What was most upsetting , and demeaning was the rudeness,the unkind things she said to me,and even though she was paid in excess, she made many hints about others who employed her who paid petrol money!!(wanting me to pay it too!!),and spent most of the two hours i employed her telling me her problems!!
She has been Un-diagnosed depressive for many years, unless its her personality...which is whinging and whining and never satisfied with her life, although she has had a house, cars, given to her by her parents,when she was bringing up her children on benefits (at the same time as i was) her parents helped her with money, and support, i got nothing from anyone else,no emotional support or even basic help with babysitting. we were both divorced women bringing up children on our own So what i am trying very badly trying to get to is that the Bible teacher i just heard was saying is that it is o.k to avoid those people who would cause us to sin.I know it says somewhere in the bible, to avoid those who cause division in the body,not exact quote! Of course!!
So how do we deal with these irritating toxic people?, we still have to love them as Christ does, we can still pray for them,but as the Lords Prayer says " lead us not into temptation" I suppose it is the same with every temptation that comes out way, we have to avoid it at all costs and that means people too!! It is impossible to be as "Christ to them",we may have Gods Holy Spirit living in us,but we still have our human natures, which are weak, and easily lead!!!....MINE IS ANYWAY!! CANT SPEAK FOR ANYONE ELSE!!..
I know God has changed my Heart towards my Ex's, as i no longer feel anger, or un-forgiveness to them,or anything really,i have to grit my teeth when i pray for them! but i do it!(Of course i did tell Jon,my Ex, Ben and Joe's father,and violent to me,what i thought of him, this may be seen as un -forgiveness by non believers, but it was because he was hurting my children..).His Parents who i thought of as excellent people, (as if he was born into a vacuum,with no other family members being like him) i now see as part of the problem, as they constantly pay his debts,listen to his blaming of others for all his problem,he even blames his own children for his failings and i am sure he blames me too!.
Howard used to say,if i had just given him "enough support",he would have been an o.k husband, trouble was i gave him nothing but support!..with every aspect of his life!!,but as all us survivors know its never enough! Its just another blaming of others for their failings..

New Phase in Life.

I have been going through some things recently.i think the Lord is taking me into a new phase of my life,i started to think last night that i am getting depressed again, because over the last few days i have being feeling tearful,which used to happen years ago when i was treated for depression!.. but i have decided not to feel sorry for myself anymore,which of course means its not real depression,and i would not compare what i am going through to anyone who is truly depressed! its the servants of the Father of lies!i dont rate the Father of lies HiMSELF!just his minions! I am not going to say that Mental illness is not real, or as some would say the Enemy possesion, i dont know! A woman i knew years ago used to think Demons were responsible for every problem we went through!!"a demon under every rock" so to speak, and i used to believe her!! i am not sure about that now, but i do pray every night that the Lord will help us not to "be ignorant of the enemy and his devices", which is from the Bible.One good thing though has happened already today,Ben has got up,just before midday!! very unusual!!!,probably because i said we were going to town! But he is up!Praise God

No more darkness and despair!

I have been a peacemaker this week between Mark and Nathan,they were trying to come to an agrement about Marks house where Nathan has been living rent free,and now that his girlfriend Kelly has moved in today they are paying a nominal rent.
I have not been a peacemaker with Joe!!,in fact I let him have it with both barrels! He has been going to a well know drug dealing area in town....so we aren't talking at the moment,until the next time he turns up and has no money!but I won't be giving him any!..tough love...
I had a long discussion with Andre last night,over an hour and it was really easy to talk to him, since we have been friends again it's been hard to talk sometimes,it's getting back to how it used to be!Praise God!..we have had an ongoing battle with the mice, I have caught 4 in the last 6 days in the humane trap and let them go outside.
I hate using poison,in fact I hate killing anything, and am practically a vegetarian,I occasionally eat chicken. But always feel really guilty about that, but haven't had any other meat for a year at least,(I don't think it is biblical to eat Pork,morally object to Lamb,and have been told by medical professionals not to eat Beef,so it doesn't give me a lot of choice!)..i eat fish, I love fish fingers! And have some plain cod,or other fish too but it can be really tasteless!!.i have lost weight,6 lbs,2 kilos since the last time I was weighed,but I really don't have a bad diet,so I have been getting more exercise because of the Husky, so that's explains the weight loss!..
Sometimes I think I concentrate too much on the bad things, or rather the bad people,I read a lot of blogs about Abuse,and it's probably not good, I share because I want to show what God has done for me,but it's hard not to get dragged down sometimes.I was trying to help survivors of Sexual Abuse on Facebook,but the despair was just awful,and I just wasn't qualified to help...so sad but I do pray for them,which is probably the most useful thing to do for them anyway!
I was talking to Andre about how I was falling out with people,with Mike,or rather not really falling out with people but not allowing them to say bad stuff and not challenge them!..He said to take it to the Lord, which I did in the form of a quick prayer,and the very same night the next door neighbours were playing their drums until 1 a.m!
The inconsiderate jerks!!!.., well the woman at least has been trying to provoke me for months,calling me a "bitch",saying things about my "messy garden" when she knew I could hear, but I didn't rise to any of her provocation!! I really don't know why,I am not allowed to, I plan too,I plan exactly what to do,but always feel a "check" in my spirit before I do!..
I suppose all the other "not putting up with fools gladly"..has made me think maybe I am not such a coward as I thought! Just because I did not confront the bombastic bully,(my sister),doesn't mean I can't!!,THE ABUSERS HAVE NOT scarred me for life!!,I can fight back when it's right to!,I just choose not too most of the time!! I am not a coward!!the enemy of our souls was taking me down that path,but not going ANYMORE! Praise God for HIs Love and care for me,and mine! Thank you Lord

" The weight that dragged my heart down....that took me where i need to be"

I was listening to a new U2 song, from their new album,called Innocence, i think! the song is called "California"; Some of the words are.... "We fell into the shining sea......the weight that dragged your heart down.....thats what took me where i need to be....which is Zuma....I watched you cry like a baby...."
Suddenly it was 15 years ago, i was sobbing on my Bed while Howard stood there looking confused... It was just Five words that had undid my WHOLE life....

"You have too many dogs"( they had been fighting under the bed),,
"too many dogs" a simple phrase, which meant so much more than those simple words,his mask had slipped,Howard had made a fatal flaw... You have too many dogs...... Sudden realization....... Utter despair......... He's not changed..... Its all lies......
A Facade.......
HE DIDN'T GUARD HIS WORDS THAT TIME..... his true nature showed, and the Mask slipped, he couldn't keep it up forever!! SO i cry like a baby,deep soul tearing sobs, animal like, for the life we could have had,the lies,the promises he made... all lies!!...i mourn, from deep inside....

Years ago when we first met, he told me 'our' song was another U2 song "With or without you",and of course it is talking about doomed love,very strange that its come back to a U2 song,to end it all!! round it off so to speak, although of course it ended years ago! The "weight that dragged" is significant too, Howard was like all abusers sucking the life out of me,my heart had to go down so his heart could go up like a see saw,almost like HE cant feel good unless I feel bad, He feeds on the pain He causes.Always have to feel good by putting us down.....Dangerous..

The Freedom Programme: 2004 Simpson2014 PistoriusJudges and Magistrates s...

The Freedom Programme: 2004 Simpson2014 PistoriusJudges and Magistrates s...: 2004 Simpson 2014 Pistorius Judges and Magistrates still have a lot to learn about popular excuses for murdering your partner or for...

Mike safe and sound.

Mikes in hospital, i took him some cigarettes yesterday,it was a bit annoying because i had to go to the hospital myself for a colonoscopy, and was really close to his mental hospital, but hadn't got the cigarettes!!!,tried to buy some at the hospital, but who knew, they dont sell them at hospital cafes!! surprise!!!.., so i had to drive round and buy them, then i parked on double yellow lines to deliver them i had no idea which ward he was on so it took some time to get the woman on the desk to find that out!!...Mike looked wild...but actually seemed better in himself!!, i suppose he should do having been in hospital a day and a half at that point! He is safe! thats the main thing, of course when he is Manic he could do anything, he could crash his car...the mind just boggles!!!, but as always God looked after him, He brought Mike all the way back from India last year, so i should not worry about the few miles from his home to the mental hospital!! oh me of little faith!

A Sad excuse for a human being,a man who hurts his own flesh and blood..

"Jon,I like your share on face book about parenting and about being a Grandpa...Surely you have to be a Dad before you can be a grandparent?..Do you know why Joe doesn't want to speak to you? Do you care?? I doubt it but here it is anyway...he is having to pay your council tax for when he wasn't even living at your house,because you forged his signature!!HE WAS GOING TO BE SENT TO PRISON, it was only because they got a really good solicitor that he hasn't, they were able to prove he wasn't even living there when you did the forgery.He can't forgive you for that..YOU WOULD have happily seen him go to prison and not even turned a hair!!! And Daisy sofa surfing on her own with the baby,I do forgive your violence to me,and because it made Ben autistic,but he has no life because of you, never have kids, and have to be looked after forever..HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT.??...HOW can you treat your own flesh and blood like this and have no conscience?.. Never pay a penny for them, and lie to them about it? ( I have the c.s.a. Letters to prove it)... And of course everyone has to put up with it because of your parents sake, no -one want to upset them..so no one tells the truth..you are a sad excuse for a human being"...my message to Jon on Facebook!,not nice, but the truth!

Bravery or stupidity??

Whether good or bad I have told Jon exactly what I think of him...along the lines of, "you are a waste of space"(he did tell me once i was a "waste of skin"),and then locked myself in the house! Not brave I know,but I would do anything to avoid conflict for myself but no one hurts my kids without me getting involved! No response so far...strangely enough...I did say some things I do feel we're a bit strong, but no one ever tells him what they really think, there is some sort of unspoken agreement that everyone knows everyone hates him,but when he talks to my kids they are polite back, are they scared, or is it just stupid British politeness...

Hyper mania

Mikes manic,been going down for a week or so, we went to biker church in Warrington, and he took two homeless guys who he had met fishing,Paul jones and his wife Fiona Hensley we speaking and there were 18commitments or re-commitments to the Lord!Praise Him.so.. mike took them home and let them stay the night,(they had said they were sleeping in a tent in some local fields popular with dog walkers) The next day he gave them the key to his house!...and hadn't seen them again by tuesday afternoon,when I popped into pick up some tarpaulins to use moving Joe and Daisy,he was saying "well they are adults,they can come and go as they please"..later that night he rang really angry and upset because they had stolen money, and he had been racing round town, absolutely furious ,and wanting to confront them, he calmed down after a few days,and by Saturday when I went rounds with Nathan who said he seemed his usual self.....On Monday we had the local CMA meeting at Brian and Helen's house and I offered to pick him up, because I was not sure what his mood would be and I was NOT going to be driven in a car by him if he was manic...At the meeting he talked constantly and was even told jokingly to "shut up"!which he did for about 10seconds!when he went to the toilet, they all said they had noticed how ill he was getting.So on the way home I Talked about it with him,"you are getting I'll again " "no I'm not, you are exaggerating", he got offended so rang me back later to try to convince me he was o.k..."why do you think I am ill" " because you are talking all the time at top speed" "I don't have to listen to a woman,I am going to see Howard tomorrow and I will ask him"Howard will just say the opposite of me ...he's my ex and anything he can do to discredit me he will...I was annoyed , which of course was his diversion technique to stop me challenging him.."go to the doctor, why put yourself through this,and end up in hospital when you can stop it getting worse"all the time being shouted over....but of course he doesn't have to listen to a woman!...I rang the Psychiatrist this morning, her secretary said"he is very lucky to have a friend like you...oh dear oh dear oh dear.!!!!......

A busy week...

It's 4.am!and I can't sleep after a very busy week! Joe and Daisy and baby have moved out,but I have seen them or talked to them most days,and Ben has already put stuff back up in the attic!and I suppose I am glad they are happy and safe,Jon is causing them some grief because he is a toxic person...and an evil cloud seems to cling around him...I know it is demonic and because of me being involved in the c.m.a ministry the enemy is not happy and is getting at my kids...sometimes I feel myself feeling sad for Jon that he is going to miss out on so much in his life,but then I tell myself off, because he has responsibility for his own actions,no-one else,and feeling sympathy is letting him off the hook!...feeling sympathy is saying "you are not responsible for your actions"and he is! That's the shocking truth about Abusers,they are not some innocent victim,they choose it because they enjoy hurting others...the ones they are supposed to love.... REAL Love should not hurt..a normal non abusive human being does not enjoy inflicting pain. In my simplistic way I thought "I do not hurt those I love,so he says he loves me, but treats me badly so he can't love me"...that was such a freeing thought!!!, it took the responsibility away from the bad guy,and I was given the choice,it freed me of my responsibility to him, it made it so simple ""you don't hurt the ones you love,so he doesn't love me".Of course all Abusers really hate the fact that we have the power, and of course they never know when the last straw will be!!!..the whole relationship only exists as long as we are willing to put up with it!...an amazing revelation! I can still remember it to this day! A real "eureka" moment for me!! Once I KNEW there was no turning back for me....I have just realised that I have no idea what a normal "relationship",marriage is like...how it works!..so sad!..now really I don't even care,my parents was a dis functional marriage while it lasted...weird!..I sometimes listen to my friends in happy marriages and really wonder how they do it...then they have a little tiff, apparently not a scary thing in normal marriages!!! and then I know,"ah yes I am so glad I am divorced" TOO much trouble... I don't yearn for companionship, because fortunately I have always liked my own company, I don't yearn for intimacy,because I have no idea how that works in a successful marriage! ( you never miss what you never had)!!..My relationship with God satisfies all my needs! He is all in all to me!..I suppose I am like my mum who was happiest alone,my Dad is happy in his marriage now which is great! God is good, and I am happy to be free to be who I am! i see marriage as just another needy person who wants to take from me.. And I am not prepared to give any of myself away to untrustworthy humans anymore, God is the only trustworthy Being,who gives far more than we can ever know! I hope I have quite successful relationships with my sons and daughters, and I am so grateful to God for them,I have some good friends now who I can turn to when I need help. So I feel pretty happy with my life. Praise God for all His blessings to me and mine.

Fasting and Praying for Gods Healing

Joe and Daisy have been given a flat, its about 10 miles away in the country, so its very quiet! So they are getting the keys on Monday, and will be moving over the next week! Nathan is moving in with his lovely girlfriend Kelly,at his house where they wont have to pay to much rent because Nathans Dad, Mark owns the house, they are decorating and making it their own space, which everyone has to do! So life is good! Praise God all my kids are happy and flourishing, and although the enemy has been trying to get to me, through a few "niggles",i have not given in to Anger,God is my Refuge and strength! We are still praying for my son-in-law's Nephew Gareth(21) who has a very serious type of Cancer, he is not a believer,but Pastor Emmanuel and His church had two days of prayer and fasting for him on monday and Tuesday, which was very humbling, He once told me that they do not eat or drink for the whole time of a fast, even the Babies and small children, and Pregnant women! it puts us all to shame!

A "half life!"

I am living a half life at the moment! Asleep most of the day and awake at night, both Ben and I go through these phases every couple of months or so, now they are happening at the same time! I can remember years ago when he started being sleepless sometimes, I dragged him to doctors demanding a solution,no help whatsoever! He even went on to a mild melatonin medicine which was supposed to get him off to a gentle sleep...didn't work of course!...so yet again it's 3.30 am and I am awake! It really does not bother me anymore, because the Lord very graciously allows me to continue His work, and always gives me enough sleep just before!....
The good thing of course is that I am doing a lot of writing, and sending it to some Christian women's websites that deal with abuse survivors like me...sometimes it gets hard dealing with the past sin of others,but God does not allow it to bring me down, and I hope it is a help to others!...
I can't remember if I mentioned when the ten people were saved during the church service at a tiny village church near here, that the Pastors wife made her first commitment to the Lord? God is so amazing! I am so humbled that He loves me, being the filthy rotten sinner I am....but that's Grace,undeserved favour, we all deserve death but He has paid the price! praise Him!!!
To change the subject completely, I was reading about a man who bombarded a work mate of his wife with sexual and threatening texts,(because he believed she was not pulling her weight at work),what stood out to me was that he had said how frustrating it was because she did not react to any of the texts directly,that is an interesting insight into the Abusers mind! Not sure exactly how yet though....

A "church" that shuns the poor and needy.....

Here is letter i should have written years ago,i was going to send but had written it in the middle of a long sleepless night.... i SHOULD have sent it years ago,when i first left the church, I was NOT DRIVEN OUT,but close to it!!...
My Solicitor and the female police officer i spoke to both said i should not allow myself to be driven out,but the vomiting and Fainting were just sooo embarrasing!!....
Hi Sue,
(the Pastors Wife) Its Elisa!! Long time no see! do you remember me? I went to the church your husband Pastors for 15 years and before you came there, although you never asked i am doing well,and so is Ben my Autistic Son who as you know i am the sole carer for. I guess this might be seen as a sarcastic letter,because you have not contacted me since i was forced to leave,to see if i am o.k or need anything in fact you have never spoken TO ME SINCE THE DAY YOU ASKED MY VIOLENT EX-HUSBANDS NAME,after i had fainted at church when he came in!!.You had said i should come on a Sunday morning because you said they never come then, so i came to the church determined not to be driven out of another church by his stalking and sat at a table in the cafe in church with my friend Mike and my son Ben, AND my oldest son Nathan,
(Of course he came some-one had told him i went on a Sunday morning so he turned up, Surprise surprise) !Howard the Abusive Ex made a point of sitting at the very NEXT table,!! and said " are you ignoring me Mike".. I remember SO well you sitting at the table where he had been alone,and later Nathan told me he had overheard you saying to them," the grandson you had with her", gesturing to me...
The only trouble Sue , Max is NOT HIS grandson!!! (which he has been told many times over the years,) as Rosanna is not his daughter, (.this is just one of his many tactics to drive a wedge between me and my children.)He has been repeatedly told she is not his daughter, and although he did Rape me 31 years ago,I WAS ALREADY PREGNANT.
I Wish i reported the Rape all those years ago,31 years has made me wiser!!.. Do you know the rift these lies have caused in my family? do you even care? Rosanna got depression for a year because if his lies,. Has he told you about the stalking for 19 years? Has he told you about the last church his stalking drove me out of? Has he told you about the many solicitors letters?(since 2010,)where he is warned under threat of prosecution to stay away from me?
Has he told you about the medical records my Doctor has detailing all the bruises?..and depression i suffered from as a result of the abuse? No I expect he hasn't, yet you let him be around vulnerable women and children?.. Sigh... no i expect his is very quiet about it all,but i am sending copies of the solicitors letters detailing his violence,just in case something happens and my conscience is clear!
Sue i know you have a daughter the same age as mine, can you imagine her going through the same Pain and depression Can you imagine the Pain of her real Father Mark when he was told about the Lies? I expect none of this will change your mind about Howard,He is too useful to the"church" with all his unpaid work and decorating,..did you ever wonder why a profession Painter and Decorator would do so much unpaid work for the church,did you ever question his motives?.. could you have for even one small moment have thought he was there to stalk and intimidate me? its not like you didn't know he was violent I TOLD YOU...
I am trying to forgive your obvious attitude that i as a disabled woman is of less value than him..because with your attitude that is EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE DOING.. The Sad fact is Sue, you wont take any notice of this warning...i suppose i shouldn't blame you, i was taken in by his charm and good looks for years too!!...
Sue, i have known him for 35 years and talked to his ex's who he treated the same way, i can give you their contact details, they are willing to talk to you...in case you don't believe me..sigh..well i suppose i don't SEEM very forgiving to you... Yes i am bitter against you, bitter because although you call yourselves Christian there is none of Christs love in you or your church,(unless i was a well dressed business man,who you give positions of power straight away,) but the elderly man who has been going there for 25 years is never asked to read a bible verse,because he has been mentally ill,and doesn't always wear the cleanest clothes.
I am sorry that your church hardly has anyone going anymore,and that you cant afford to heat the building. I am sorry that you cant be Christ to the Large poor housing development next to the church, where there are neglected children and a massive drug problem.
I am sorry when your Husband preaches against gossip in the church, and yet you are the worst gossip there!!, (every person is whispered about and every aspect of their character mercilessly dissected),i am sorry that the Disabled, mentally handicapped woman Paulette, who is sold for Sex by her drug dealer Boyfriend is made faces about behind her back when she comes faithfully to church,and when a kind old lady takes her to be washed,YOU quote health and safety to her,and she is not allowed to help again,
I am sorry but not surprised....So Sue, i have let it all out all the anger,all the shame,and i have forgiven you, and although you didn't ask, I have a great life now, and i watch with concern as so many people pass through your church, stay for a while and then leave...You have missed the chance to be Christ to them, i hope and pray each of them finds what they need elsewhere.

An Unlikely Evangelist, who puts us all to shame...

I am sitting here waiting for Darren, his carers are short handed this weekend and have asked me to check he takes his medicine,he is late and has probably gone to town because he got his money yeaterday!!, Darren has Aspergers, and red hair and is obese, probably 25-30 stone,he call's me his only friend but he has a lot of people in his life! He is looked down on by some Christians,because he is not always very clean, and he smokes, with a hacking cough!!, But i doubt whether the christians who look down on him tell as many people about Christ as Darren does! From his Carers to the Muslims in the local chip shop!! He finds out exactly what everyone he comes into contact with believes and always tells them about Jesus! Praise God for Him, and the burden he has for the un-saved!

Awake at night but not alone!

Its 3.45am and I am wide awake! So what else is new!i am in bed but not alone!scandal I hear you say!i have the Baby,I wasn't sleeping anyway so heard her crying and Daisy sounding upset so I asked them if there was anything I could do to help!shes fast asleep now! Of course,they always behave better for other people and not their parents!...don't I remember that! I can't really remember a lot about having small children mainly just how hard it was,I was mostly on my own doing it, and I could say no-one else seemed to care,I certainly had no help at all,but I was never really alone because the Lord was always there even if I didnt know it at the time!

Ichabod

I have sent some emails to'a cry for justice', and 'spiritual side of domestic violence',the excellent Terry from 'the spiritual side of domestic violence' has responded and commented on my email, which really was just a condemnation of how i was treated in my last church, and how they have let the Holy Spirit leave their church, by gossip,and un-Christlike behaviour...I really is a shame because there is a large housing development next to the 'Church' with so many problems, and they cant be Christ to them...so sad...The Lord asked me to make a commitment to that church years ago and Praise Him i was able to do for many years,and The Holy Spirit did turn some times i went there,(i am not being big-headed,He DOES TURN up sometimes when i go places) i have done prayer walks around those streets,but as always Terry made such an Insightful comment that" a demon has entered into Howard and that is what is driving him" very insightful as always, she is such a woman of God!I wish i could work out how to send the letter to this blog....maybe one day!

10 more souls in the kingdom!

I Have had a really blessed weekend,we had a service at one of the guys churches who are in our local Christian Motorcyclists Association,it was a typical church of England type service, very formal,with the people taking it wearing robes and a set service with the people responding in an old type of service plan,we had the branch meeting the next night,and it was great to hear that 10 people made a commitment to the Lord, including the Pastors wife,who he mentioned he had not been able to sit next to in church for five years, because he takes so many church service as he has three churches he Pastors in the county,as none of them now have a permanent minister, it was a t one of his churches that the Local Christian Motorcyclist Association was first "launched" two years ago so it is great the the Lord was able to bless him.The enemy has not been happy with this and other success we have been privileged to have through the Lord, so we have had somewhat of a backlash, someone even literally tried to run us off the road on the way back on Sunday, but we know he is a defeated foe, and our lives are in His hands,Praise Him

nipper, gnasher,and gnawing

Here i am, 4.30 a.m awake and downstairs!!,i have given up trying to sleep,and enjoying a very nice cup of tea! I am British a cup of tea is essential to our everyday existence!!!, (and endless meaningless small talk about the weather!! !!!)i am hearing no more noises from the Mice (downstairs anyway) they have literally "taken the bait"( poison) i put down last week!!...I was hearing some gnawing sounds in my room though earlier, so that battle is not over quite yet...
Some one who is suffering from battle scars of Life is Nipper, my ten year old Yorshire terrier,i was told when i bought him that he was a pedigree,and "Papers were to follow", still waiting for those!! i have found in my 20 years of keeping Yorkie's that the pedigree ones only tend to last 10-13 years,the ones who lived longest, Biggles 16 and half years, and Star 17 and a half years were only half Pedigree, from Toto their Dad, he died at 13 quite old for a yorkie, but not as old as his pups Star and Biggles!
So Nipper is not doing well, he had a dose of the runs, (cant spell the proper name,and my spell check does not work) and vomiting,the vet has given him some anti-inflamatory tablets for his bow legs,which i suspected made him ill,, i really thought he was going to die on saturday he was so ill he could hardly walk, and i know if i had taken him to the vet they would have put him down,he is still very wobbly on his legs and tends to go sideways like a crab sometimes!!, i know that some people would call me cruel for letting him carry on in this state, but i just think that my dogs have been so loyal to me why should i abandon them when all they need is a bit of nursing,? i have had to shower him because he was getting pooh caught round his bottom, but today he has managed to do it outside cleanly with none hanging on!I have to carry him up and down stairs,because his legs could go and he would fall down them all, when Star was near her end i slept downstairs for two months because she couldn't manage the stairs,i was worried that her chest cancer was back,because she would not let me see her chest, and felt guilty because i hadn't taken her to the vet, because i knew they would insist on putting her down, but when she died,i saw that she was not covered in cancer on her nipples, a big relief!! she had just died from old age,17 and a half, having had a pup,Gizmo, breast cancer, a Mammary strip,with only two nipples left,(she managed to feed Gizmo too,) and was Neutered at age 10, after she presented us with surprise Pups!(Joe came into my room screaming "there's a rat in my Bed", after i calmed i him down, it was 4.am, i went into his room to investigate,and a very sheepish Star looked at me with a Pup!!! My only regrets with my Dogs is that i didn't walk them enough i am trying to do better now though as Husky's need to have exercise,so do all dogs though,we take them up to Tashies( we used to call Gnasher,like the cat in the Bash street kids comic) where there is a huge field for them to run in, the Grass is quite long now though, and its funny to see the smaller yorkies bouncy like lambs to see where they are going!! What lesson is the Holy Spirit teaching me through all this? is it that Human beings should be as loyal as Dogs?!! or that we should live up to our responsibilities...not sure..

Wonderful God.

It's all been really stressful today, this morning I spent four hours on a speed awareness course because I had gone over the speed limit by just a few miles,it made me feel really guilty and I was scared to get back in the car afterwards!!..Joe and Daisy have been really tired with looking after the baby and have been arguing...but everything has settled down now etc they have gone shopping with his Dad who feels its o.k just to walk into my house...NOT ACCEPTABLE at all, it was o.k once every year or so but it's become a regular thing now,not happening!!.We had a great meeting last night at Helen and Brian's and I guess the enemy is having his revenge... I don't know how he has the nerve but as usual he has not had his way for long, there is peace in my house now!Praise God!!

offensive or defensive?

I have just been listening to the wonderful Dr George Simon on you tube, talking about manipulative people and how they were always thought of as scared human beings, unconsciously trying to control others through fear, being defensive, when in fact he shows very clearly that the are being OFFENSIVE, and instinctively we know we are being attacked but un-consciously we react as being attacked but OUTWARDLY don't know it, so that is how they win, we put reason over instinct which would warn us!...It is also the shock that someone would behave that way so I always thought I must have mis-read them, which of course the abusive manipulative person rushes to endorse! It fits in perfectly with their plan after all.The manipulator is on a mission to control us to fight the war with us to be in control, ! Only we don't take part in the battle til too late...oops they have won, us innocents didn't even know we were in a fight, I can't remember his reasoning why we are taken in,probably should read it again!

The mundane, and the Glorius

A Productive day,but only in mundane things like housework,probably which should have been done before!...we are finally settling into a new pattern after all the upheaval of having a new baby in the house.The Scam artist and her husband have finally paid Mike back the loan he got out for them,TWO years ago which puts a nice line under that unpleasant episode...hopefully they are both out of his life, I know they are Christians, or profess to be but showed nothing but bad fruit in all their dealings with Mike and he was badly hurt, and paid a heavy price, but it's over, and I am sorry to say and I know it's not very Christian, but good riddance!!..Sandra said Mikes old flame of sorts was asking a lot of questions about who he was associating with and that he has been riding past hers on the trike!!!so mundane, but nice and comfortable in a reassuring kind of way! so what has God been teaching me over the last week or so...that even if I don't pray in a difficult situation at the time He is still there and honours the prayer we have made before the dramatic desperate times,I suppose I mean when we were in the delivery room and she had been pushing for almost two hours, which should have taken an hour,I didn't pray in that situation,at the time, but God still intervened, and I had asked trusted friends to pray....So He never lets us down He never leaves us or forsakes us!Praise Him! I can't remember if I have mentioned this but we had a great service at a local tiny village church last Sunday taken by the C.M.A, over a dozen people put their hands up to be saved,including a Man who has known Brian and Helen for years and Mike,so Praise God!

2.am and wide awake

Well here I am as usual!2.20am, wide awake and so is Ben...we are both downstairs and he is lying down not doing anything!...he is just staring into thin air, he had a bit of a meltdown yesterday just cos I asked him to feed the fish!..but then he told me later that he was upset because we saw his friend Shaun in town and he has had to leave youth club because he is too old and Ben will be too old on his next birthday, they let Shaun stay until Easter so I hope they will do that for Ben...he said he wasn't able to sleep in bed so wrote it all down on his mobile and the deleted it...A bit like me writing a letter to Jon his dad and then ripping it up!its very catharatic I am writing this on my new iPad and can type faster than on my laptop..it's definitely easier than my other tablet!

Our Miracle Baby

Ellie-May is here and though she is such a small scrap of a Human being, she is making her presence felt!!, poor Mum and Dad looking shatterd yesterday,as with all Babies! Daisy was telling me that she was taking the Pill when she got pregnant...and with the Peadiatritian waiting to resucitate her with oxygen, they were expecting the worst, (to whisk her way to the special care Baby unit)..BUT GOD HAD OTHER PLANS!,She was delivered onto her mummys chest coughed a few times and cleared her own mucus from her throat! NO OXYGEN NEEDED,NO RESUCITATION NEEDED! Praise God from who all Blessing flow! Pastor Emmanuel has given me some Bible verses to read over Her, Luke 1 verse v 80, and Luke 2 verse 40, which both say " And the child grew and waxed strong in Spirit, and was in the Desert till the day of his showing unto Isreal" (the desert means Gods preparing of the child to do his work)) Luke 2 verse 40 is " And the child grew and waxed Strong, filled with wisdom, and the favour of God was upon him"!!We alredy know she is strong! and We know God NEVER lies so we know she will have wisdom,AND THAT THE FAVOUR OF GOD IS UPON HER!!Hallelujah

Safe delivery,Praise the Lord

Ellie May is safely delivered,and Home here! Praise the Lord Helen and Brian were Praying for a safe delivery,and even though she was not getting enough oxygen during the birth,she went pink almost immediately, a truly Miracle Baby praise the Lord!!..

Babies and behaviour

Poor Daisy has been sick all night,vomitting and the runs,the Baby is due on tuesday! but babies very rarely come when the are supposed to ,on the due date anyway!bit of a disasterous walk for me and the dogs yesterday!!, the tiny Yorkie Spike got out of his collar and ran off,not in front of traffic thank goodness,Ben dropped Gizmo's lead she ran up the road and had a fight with two Labrador's who were guide dogs for Blind people!!!...,Nipper had a fit, foaming at the mouth, and lying down...the best behaved one was the 13 week old Husky Suki...no riotous hysterical barking, no pulling just a few stops to sniff new smells....a pleasure to walk, and only his second street walk! What is Gods lesson to me in this,i treat all the dogs the same and yet some of them still behave badly...original sin? i am not sure,are we all inherently Evil,are we born bad...bad breeding...i just dont know will have to ponder this a bit longer!

Seaside,and dull August days...

Its 10.am here in England on a dull August day and i am debating whether to go to the Caravan, its a Bank Holiday here on monday which means a national day off, so the Caravan site will be very busy,its a bit off putting, sometime i arrive to find someone pitching their tent right up against the caravan having been told to by the caretaker...people are drinking until the early hours,kids are excited and noisy...the British at the seaside! Joy!

Sookie and Ceasar Salad.

Two people sitting at a table in room surrounded by trees,a woman in her fifties and an older man,snippets of conversation; "checking guns on board ship"..."Arty disapeared in australia".." 22 hours flights" which are now done in only 5-6 hours, and inevitably the "poison dwarf"...(or the wicked witch of the west, and her flying monkeys)!The woman feels relaxed,first time in three decades being with the Man....it had been a hard struggle these last three years,but now they had fallen into a comfortable pattern,she feels the man get restless,""so many years, so long ago" Who are they? are they Spies? or just everyday Joes....Who knows?... just me and i am not telling!!!!

More Rosanna's and more Blessings!

Life is good....really good! despite the enemies attempts to de-rail me! God is GOOD! all the time,we all went to a service in a little village church nearby,Colin the Pastor of the Biker Church was speaking...it was lovely the church had laid on some Lunch for us,they were all so welcoming and loving to us,at first it seemed to be "religion", but of course the Holy Spirit came and i know people were blessed,one lady from Peru even said one of our group had a " lovely voice" hoping it was me she was talking about!...(her name was Rosanna!) Its not long now until the Baby is born..I bless God for allowing me to be part of something so wonderful,(an Evangelistic organisation),its great to be able to go out on the stand and give out Biker Bibles and tell them what God has done for us!..I can take the new Pup out for his first walk next week! Glory to God!

Nipper, Suki and un-forgiveness!

I have not posted for a while! Dont really know what to say today,so i will just outline a few things that have been happening in my Life,Chris and Clare are leaving the C.m.a, for various reasons,the one which worries me is that they are being pulled out by the Enemy of our souls, they are a lovely couple, and have had most of the good ideas that have been used recently to evangelize, so its sad, i was awake all night after they told us,praying and going through their decisions...really really sad,its unforgiveness NOT on their side but by one of the people who is the national executive, which they say makes them feel unwanted, the Enemy has been having a real "go" at everyone recently,which in a way is a good thing because it show we are being effective for the Lord! but for those younger in the faith who have less experience to battle him,its not nice at all.... I have been to the caravan for a few days,which was nice and peaceful..except for the new Puppy Suki who was chewing the furniture!!he has grown in the few weeks we have had him,hes a nice natured dog, and does not bark like the yorkies!! My elderly yorkie, Nipper was attacked by Joe and Daisy's dog, and is blind in one eye now,and has three bad legs even so still up for a fight!!..he used to chew broken glass as a pup, so guess he is petty tough!

NOT cursing God and NOT Dying!!

I had 23 people view this blog on friday, very strange!!.., usually i get most views at the weekend...it is quite weird to write this but get NO feedback! i would like to know who you are out there! i hardly ever get any comments or feedback,maybe its so boring they just skim over it to the next blog!!!, maybe its just the enemies servants who view this so they know how to de-rail me! I am NOT however going to make my friend Pete's mistake of saying.."the Devil can throw whatever he wants at me nothing will turn me away from the Lord" he didn't turn away from God!!.. but went through some very heart breaking things, in a "Job" like time in his life... I think the enemies servants have better people to attack than me!! i am very insignificant in the enemies eyes!! Yes we all have our personal battles, but its ususally with our sinful selves!.. very few of us are worthy of a personal attack from Satans servants!! i have had a few bad weeks,a speeding fine, a parking fine,my children all falling out on facebook,and yesterday i slipped on the pavemnet and now have a swollen knee and foot!! But i have bought a new Husky puppy who is delightful,i was amazed to find i am not allergic to Joe and Daisy's Husky dog Kodi, and have wanted to have a big dog myself which doesnt bark as much as Yorkshire terriers,its a male,so cute! Praise God!!

More Trikes..and some alarming facts...

First for the nice things,we collected my Trike from Ken's Garage (who was fixing it), last friday, i tried to ride it but could not get the gears right, so Mike rode it back! I am going to spend some time slowly learning..So Friday Night when Ben was at Youth club we went for our first ride out and stopped at a Pub about 10 miles out of town,we got off and Mike went in to get us a drink,a woman sitting outside having a cigarette started to speak to me, she had been going to a local church and had been badly hurt there so had given up church, and God, so we spoke to her for a while, but while Mike was in the Pub the landlord asked him about the tike and said he had one , and was thinking of selling it!! so Mike bought it a few days later, it has a small trailer too, just the right size for lots of Biker Bibles, and even a gazebo!! Now for the not so nice things,i read in the newspaper yesterday that 1.2 million women are victims of domestic violence in the u.k, information from Women Aid, (an organisation who campaigns to end domestic violence), and also that U.k Police get a domestic violence call every Minute here....Its truly shocking, that women and children are suffering every day, and some Men too. We went to the garage Praise meeting and a young married woman gave her testimony,she had been brought up in a christian family but had rebelled and sought attention from men, and almost innevitably had moved in with a man called John,and had a baby,he became abusive and violent, or rather started showing his TRUE nature,she said she has truly forgiven, her name is Sarah, and is the only other woman who i have met in person who has come through with the Lords help,she is married now to a wonderful Christian man and has two children, the really touhing pArt to me though was when her husband held up the daughter who had been born out of the abusive relation ship and said"sophie wants you to knoew who she is,Everyone,this is Sophie mine and Sarahs daughter"...she has a wonderful new father, and Sarah has a wonderful new husband, Praise God! I am in touch with some other organisations on the internet, but with the exception of "spiritual side of domestic violence" by the wonderful Terry Loving, they all seem very bitter and unloving,and certainly very unforgiving, one organisation called a " cry for justice" trys to educate the church about how to deal with abuse victims, which is very Laudable, but abusers by their very nature, are "smooth talkers" (how else would they lure intelligent women into their lives)?!! They lie,to church leaders, "shes not submitting to me","its her fault","she is telling unjust lies about me", so the leaders end up believing the lies which are so convincing because the abusers genuinely believe them!!, the old "entitlement" excuse!!Psycopaths beieve they are totally justified in their murdering actions too...and of course Abusers have a little bit of the "pysco" in them too, as they also have no conscience!..

Great Orme, and Trike.

I used to start my diary which i started when i was eight with the sentence,"such a lot has happened since my last entry", well i am not going to SAY that this time, but that is what i mean!! Tash has moved to their 10 acre farm, and got a job!Joe and daisy are back home,and expect little Ellie May to be born at the end of August,Ben is not happy about Joe being here! And YESTERDAY I BOUGHT A TRIKE!!!.. which is a three wheel motorbike!!My sleeping is so much better,and we went to surprise a wonderful Brother at the great Orme in Llanduno,he is so selfless travels miles all over the country to serve the Lord and his brothers and sisters in C.m.a,quite an interesting experience, we were in the car,very exciting! God is good!!ALL THE TIME, praise Him!

friendship evangellism,love or manipulation?

For a long time i have been uneasy about so called " friendship evangelism"it reminds me so much of the wordly tactics,pretending to be your new best friend, but only because they want your money!( or pressure selling ) as it is called!! It is the prcatice of befriending some one with the sole purpose of bringing them to the Lord, which of course is a very wonderful thing to do, but as the Bible says, how can a bad root produce a good fruit.. Its a wordly practice, what amazes me is that the church believes the wordly people dont know excatly what they are doing, the wordly people are more "wordly wise" than we are, not surprisingly!!

of mice and ...The dawn chorus..

Mice arrrrgh... disgusting little creatures, i just saw one in my house! its 3.38a.m and i cant sleep! weird noises are coming from the other room!!i think its the mouse in Bens overflowing bin!..i just bought him a brand new one in the hope he would empty it himself... what a waste of time that was!! i am starting to hear the begining's of the "dawn chorus" a few isolated tweets from outside, one solitary bird just practicing maybe! So what has the Lord been teaching me lately? mostly to shut up and listen to Him!.. i was reading in the Gospel of John tonight where Jesus says in His own word that He is the Good Shepard. At the regional christian motorcyclist meeting last night a lovely lady said that was she wrong because she cant quote the Bible, chapter and verse?,in fact that she doesn't know the Bible well at all,and most of all because we are an evangelistic group,is she in the wrong?,i have met Bible experts who cant evangelise, one dear brother who told a young man in the street to be saved he had to"have greater rigtheousness than the Pharisees"..the Kid had no idea what he was talking about!!!...another ( less dear brother) said its "like a door in your heart just open it", but no mention of a sense of our own wrong-doing,conviction of sin which is by the Holy Spirit, unless a person has been primed "so to speak" by the Lord, the words we say are meaningless to them..so what is the answer? how does anyone get saved,do we just have to be in the right place and time to get saved?..is it just random?, free " entry today to Heaven to those standing on the corner of Stanley street"! Its also the classic " chicken and egg" scenario, are we chosen before we are born, OR do we choose Him!! So the sun is nearly up and the dawn chorus is in full if quiet flow," time for bed said Zebedee"

12th June 2014

56 today! scary!! Everything is going well with Joe and Daisy being here, although i did say that on Monday, and we had a few problems yesterday! they were just arguing..But God is good, life is good too! we had a good day at "one bright day" in a local park here,31 yes 31!! churches got together to put on an event free tea and cakes, music, bouncy castle,the weather was not good for the first hour, it was torrential rain!!,we gave out some tracts and talked to a few non-believers,i was able to bring all the equipment back which i loved because i want to be helpful,i cant support the Christian Motorcyclist Asociation financially at the monment, because i support Pastor Emmanuel in Zimbabwe, and have done for about 10 yrs.

Prodigal, sweet sweet sleep, And a great and wonderful Saviour!

I am able to sleep!..for the time being anyway,God is good! the enemy has been having a "go", but to no avail! the dryer has died, so has the washing machine,Ben punched me yeaterday,and pushed over a large t.v and i did get upset, more angry though,and really told him off, and didnt take him to town which he really wanted to do!! , the neighbour called me a bad name,last week,("a bitch"), but through Gods grace its not affected me, i have not retaliated to the neighbour,(i am trying to turn the other cheek)! so life is good,even a few years ago just one of these things would have sent me into a dark place for ages, but the Lord has allowed me to keep my Peace! Praise Him, God is GOOD,ALL THE TIME!!

A wretched worm of a sinner.

Here i am on the windy, cloudy Welsh Coast,at my tiny caravan.I have come here to unwind and rest, not much chance so far tho! it will happen...What has the Lord been teaching me over the last few days?.. I am struggling to find something at first sorry Lord, its my sleep deprived be-fuddled brain, of course its Gratitude,that Joe is home safely, i still cant quite believe it!1 i only prayed once for him to come home, a couple of months ago, and it seemed impossible because they were planning to get a flat there! but as we alway say, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR GOD, i am really humbled that my prayer is answered....God is so good..i am a wretched worm of a sinner, and do NOT deserve anything from God.. Praise Him

The Word of God

I had a really good post planned out last night in the "small wee hours", cant remember a word of it now! thats what sleeplessness does to you! spagetti for brains!I was listening to the bible on the Radio last night and it was very interesting, so much in it! Isiah, up to about chapter 30,so if the enemy WAS stopping me sleeping he has done me a favour becayue i felt soaked in Gods word last night, what a blessing!

Sleeping with the enemy! naming the abusers

I have just read Pat Craven (the freedom programme)new blog entry, " common excuses for murdering women", quite sobering as they are all one I HAVE PERSONALLY heard being said to me!, by the violent men i know, Jon and Howard,(i am not buying into the not naming lie) Jonathan Peter Mulcahy,24.02.1969 and Howard Seymour Shellard 26.01.56 are the "heroes" names!!! Of course it is part of the de-humanising of the victims as Pat has said before in the film, "sleeping with the enemy" Pat showed how he was winding himself up delibrately to justify the violence he was planning to do!..so sad,escpecially when they claim as Jon did, that " i cant stop myself, i have no control" Liar liar, in his excellent book lUNDY bANCROFT, "WHY DOES HE DO THAT", he is a counsellor who spent a lot of time with violent men,he says they plan the incidents of violence, and enjoy it." I remember once Jon strutting up and down ranting, occasionally, punching me,Ben who was a baby got scared of him and started to cry,so he picked him up,"switched" it off, then when he had calmed Ben down,then like a switch turning it back on!!and went back to strutting and punching....he made a really big mistake that day because that was a turning point for me,i knew that despite everything he said,he COULD CONTROL HIMSELF!!!... he was lying, a LIAR,and that he was doing it delibrately!!..

"children come home on the celtic ray"

My Babies home,with His Baby(due in 14wks), girlfriend and large Husky dog!!I have been praying for Joe and Daisy to come home for 8 months,and he is,i was o.k even when he came in and burst into tears, and i was o.k myself until i started to listen to a Van morrison song called Celtic Ray, some of the lyrics are " the mothers calling for their children,"Children come home, on the celtic Ray",( i have no idea what a celtic ray is, but i shed a few tears!!!

"Yahweh" very loudly in MacDonalds!!

I have been looking back at my posts to see if i have ever written about this, cant find it anywhere so if i already have i do apologise...... I was sitting in the Macdonalds in town, a few yers ago,with Ben surrounded my about 6 people, and a person went past and shouted very loudly "Yahweh"..no one else seemed to notice, or even hear it, Ben is a very jumpy person, who reacts to loud noises, and yet no reaction!!, i stared at the man, with open mouth, and as he went past the huge window,he saw me, and RAISED HIS HANDS,in a gesture of,why do you think i wouldnt do that!!BUT it could have also been the upturned geture i use for Praising God during worship... a strange thing to happen...but it was not the last time i saw him, next time was about a month later, i was inside a shop on the same hill in town waiting for Ben while he looked at electronic games, he went past in the crowd just outside,i saw him once more, but i cant remember the details.He was an ordinary looking Man with reddish hair and beard, a checked jacket (plaid the americans call it) and brownish trousers,quite smartly dressed! I beieve he was an Angel, sent to protect me,He may even be MY guardian Angel, having spiritual discernment means sometimes i feel oppressed by he enemy, and His servants in certain places, and that Hill where the manin street is has very Demonic evil feeling about it sometimes...

Coronation Street,

I am feeling lot better!, after having a few nights of good sleep, for about two months i have not been sleeping as well as i ususally do!I dont know if it is the enemy trying to "get to" me, but if it was he has really done me a favour! it has meant i have been praying more, more Bible study, and repenting of anything i may have done, i have just found a quote in an old diary that says" Tibetans believe Enemies are our greatest teachers" !! strange, indeed!!..the Bible says resist the enemy and He will flee from you, i am sure there are some really good believers out there that the enemy does not bother with,i think somewhere in the Bible it says that,cant remember where though, something along the lines of " if a mans ways please God,even His enemies are at peace with Him"....I am definitely NOT there yet!!!.We went on a tour of "Coronation Street", a very famous t.v.programme here in u.k,i was quite good, Ben my autistic son is very keen on the programme,and he seemed to enjoy himself...I dont really want to talk about this but a few weeks ago my Ex -husband Howard "accidently -on -purpose" was at Mikes house,we had been out for lunch and i had left my car outside, the same one i have had for 12 years, so he knew i was going to come back at least to get it...Mike had delibrately NOT invited him that day,and yet he felt quite able to turn up, because he has been decorating Mikes house, and wanted to drop some stuff off, said Mike,when i asked him about it.Seeing my car he should have left, or dumped the stuff, round the back, but no, he stayed until Mikes friend Nicky who has a key turned up...all very annoying,but i have told the Solicitor, and am keeping a log.Make no mistake, if he ever attempts to talk to me i will go straight to the Police, i have a dictaphone and a camera with me at all times, so will have evidence.Just a minor hic-cup!..water off a ducks back!

Machine Guns and Ducks backs!

Here i am again after an active day,wide awake at midnight,Ben shouting and punching the wall when i tell him at 11.pm that he can only watch one d.v.d, (after he has had his 4 hours on the Laptop,which the neurologist told us ws the time limit in case he gets another Epileptic fit.) How do i solve this?i was out for most of the day and was intending to take Ben with us,but Tashie offered to have him,its a hard one,he needs his time at home, and has had so much in the past because we never went out anywhere! but now that the Lord has me out working for Him,he has to adjust...i will leave it in the Lords hands...He knows best,and Loves us both!. We went to Stockport, a town in Cheshire to hear a guy called Sam Childer, aka the Machine gun preacher, he was a real Man of God,He works tirelessly in Sudan,helping homeless orphans with homes and feeds up to 400 meals a day for the Hungry there.It was quite amazing to go to a bike clubhouse, it was an old warehouse with a pretty ropey looking fire escape!!.. (a metal staircase on the outside wall), as the entrance, not a good idea to look down! Life is good, i am very happy with the Life He has given me,i feel good to be able to sow some seeds into peoples lives, by being on the stalls for the Christian motorcycles Association,my life is so different to a year and a half ago, shutting myself in the house for months on end, because of the enemies attempt to bring me down via the Ex husband Howard,and his creepy stalking attempts.Its just like water off a ducks back now, hardly touched me at all!!

two people.

Two people have got mmy attention over the last few. Just two very ordinary people, one was a guy at the bike show a man with a white handkerchief cap type hat with what looked like a red cross on it and woman who was working at Macdonalds today.why did they stand out to me?, i don't know if God trying to show me something through them,the woman struck me because she was singing quietly to herself, which is something people hardly ever do in England,i tried to catch her attention, but she was in a world of her own,quite strange...It was a busy place,really noisy,and she was just clearing out a bin...and singing....I know these type of jobs can be quite demeaning.. ,she didnt want to engage with me, i was rude really and kept looking at her even though she made no effort to engage wwith me!,people do usually look at you at least but not her!!,My son Nathan worked in one, and was basically treated like dirt by some of the customers....the man,he endeared himself to me by taking a biker bible,and yet i gave out quite a few and can't remember any one else I gave one to...why him, as usual he started opening up to me!...people do with me... Is it because I am quiet? I don't know......

strange days indeed

I am not sure how this will work I am typing this on my tablet and I have never done it this way!!,my laptop is not working, and hasn't for about a week!I really just wanted to record a dream I had last night, it disturbed me a lot,,it was so vivid that I got up a and checked there were still cars passing by outside!the dream in itself may not sound scary,it was just that the roads around this house changed back to how they would have seen centuries ago, rough and really narrow. I came back in confusion up the hill to my house,which is only a hundred years old, and someone, a young man I was very familiar with, was preparing to go and check on an elderly relative. It was strange also because I don't dream about this house much at all which is odd because I have lived here longer than any Other house in my life.... I was me,and the young man was outside the houses. I know I was upset about the stalker ex Howard showing his ugly head,at mikes,Sunday and Mike rang just as I was going out yesterday wanting come round to pick up something,saying" we..." Plural..argh!!! i was worried thinking it was Howard, i hope he would have enough sense not to do that, so obviously I am worried about my home being invaded!!.. I was confused about the changes outside in the dream, but content in myself.

Easter bank holiday Monday

My laptop has not been working for a few days so i think i should write something incase it stops working again!We went to the meeting of the regionl Christian Motorcyclists Association last night its about an hour away,in the next county, and to our surprise Pete asked to come, it was a really great meeting, which of course i should remember ususally happens when i dont feel like going, Brian the chaiman for our county was tired too, it was a Bank holiday here in England and great sunny weather so everyone was tired, after being out and about!.I felt totally at ease in the meeting, loved and accepted,which hasn't really happened before,(feeling at ease) i mean! There has been a few minor irritaions that the Enemy has tried to bring me down with, but its not worked so far!!!

Garage Praise and Biker Breakfasts!

Its been an exciting few days,on thursday at the Prospects service at the church the woman running it told me about a Praise meeting in a Garage! i was a bit dubious but told Mike about it anyway and he was keen to go, so we went on friday,it was closed and we went round the whole town trying to find it, we were disappointed,the next day Sandra met a preacher she knows slightly, who told her the meeting was on that night and he was on his was there,we had been told the wrong night!! the Preacher never came, but he was sent by God so we would be there!!!. It was a wonderful blessed evening, and we were all encouraged by the wonderful touch the Lord gave us that night! and what was so remarkable was that it really seemed as if God wanted us there!! so amazing!! Yesterday was the 'big breakfast',a large biker event that happens every year,we were volunteering to do the side stall for Drinks and snacks,while Lynn the owner served the breakfasts, the queue was almost out the door there were so many people there, very tiring but wonderful to serve!!!

Family news,and a step forward for me.

Well here i am its nearly 2.am and i am wide awake!!....i have not been sleeping well for about four weeks,it was getting better until the incidence last week with Ben and the guys in the street.We have finally got Nathans car sorted out today,Mikes had it on his drive for three weeks and when we went to take it away after finally getting the insurance and road tax sorted, it wouldnt start so Mike has charged the battery,so we are going to bring it back here and leave it on Tashys road, just a few streets away tommorow! Tashy should be moving soon, they have bought a house in the country with some land, the house needs doing up,which Paul and his Dad have started.Joe is worrying me at the moment,but more about that at another time.Of course with my sleepless nights have coincided almost exactly with me starting to get out of the house more and being with other Christians! seems the Enemy of our souls is not happy!... Something so mundane and ordinary as going to a sort of Coffee morning with a lot of Elderly people,but quite a few Christians too!.(which Brian the Chairman of the Local christian motorcyclist association told me about in his church),and had been encouraging me to go to for a few weeks,where a lot of the people from the disabled home built at the back of the church go to as well, has been wonderful to go to!and Ben and Darren have gone too! one afternoon in the week they have a 'Prospects' service for the Home,York House,( a home started by the church for handicapped people) and the first time i went for the coffee morning we were invited to that and have been twice!! So me being me and limiting God had thought that it was just the Biker Church that God had wanted me to be involved in....but He has other ideas!! Praise Him.

Blank mind!!!..

Last night i had a great ide about what i was going to say today, just cant remember what it was!! usually when i look at the blank page i have a small 'nudge' from the Holy Spirit, and it just flows out, it not me though i claim no glory though, its not me! No nudges so far...so i will just say what has been happening the last few days, we have had a lot of air polution over england, wednesday and thursday,so my Asthma was not good,so i watched Ben go up to the car to get the coke out,usually i go too and take the dogs,he was in my sight all the time when i saw two Men cross over as he came back i started running,not fast, as i cant run...i did nt get there in time and the had started verbally abusing him...he would not tell me what was said, but a young woman who was walking down the other side,heard it all, i gave them a 'telling off' as we say in England, and one of them apologised.....we told the Police.Ben does not seem too upset, just annoyed he didn't punch them! so i suppose understandably i have been having some bad dreams... I have been staying in the house since then,but i am going out today, and its Biker church tonight, which i always look forward too!

Vintage Motorcycle Show.

It went well on Sunday, i was able to tell a woman my testimony and how God has brought me through, i hope i have sown some good seeds there,or rather the Lord has used me for His purpose!I have taken Ben and Darren to a coffee morning and we are going to a special service at the same church this afternoon for Mentally handicapped people,, it was really great to meet a lady there who i had not seen for 30 yrs and she remembered me too,on Sunday at the local Bike show a woman remembered me from a Bikers Pub 30 yrs ago, she goes to the same church too now as well,its a small world!..Brian even went to the same Pub at the same time too, but in the Bar we were in the loungue, because Marks brother went in the Bar, and he didn't want to be where his younger brother was!

New Chapters,and obedience

I am struggling at the moment, the Enemy is having a 'go' as we say here in the U.k,the last week i have not been sleeping even though i am tired,it first began when i didn't spray round the boundary before the full moon, if i don't i am guaranteed a sleeples night, but this has been a sleepless week!..Dr Rebbecca brown who wrote the book 'He came to set the captives free' 'standing on the rock'and other books,is very hepful to me about the enemies tactics, and how he attacks Believers, and trys to Hnder the Lords work, I think i know why i am the subject of this present attack,I am going to my first bike show tommorow,i dont expect to bring people to the Lord, or do any great things,but i do know that this is the direction the Lord wants me to go in,and i persoanally have wanted this myself for years...
Brian the chairman of the local Christian motorcycle Association,has known Mike for years, and last year had been thinking about him one sunday, on his way to church,Mike had asked me to look on the Internet for a church that did a service on Sunday Night, and not many do now,the only one that does just happened to be the one that Brian had been going to for years, He walked in and there was Mike!!..(Mike and i had fallen out for about a year, but to be truely honest i was upset with him, about choosing the Ex, Howard over me,and had not talked to Him for over 7 months, and of course the whole scam artist thing, which as we know ended very badly for Mike,and i suppose i was angry with him because he would not listen to my warning about her, and i had called him a 'Mug'...which i had to apologise to him about....So in Gods timing it was all sorted out, i had to be obedient, apologise,and be the connection for Mike to be there,God spoke to Brian's heart about Mike, and now after all the trauma of the Ex husband stalker, Howard. God has brought us into a new chapter in my life.Praise Him! I am nothing special,God will do this for anyone, He desires to work in all our lives

sleepy, and examining my motives!

I am feeling a sense of vague unease at the moment, it feels as if something is looming, i have had a few bad dreams,sleeplesness,and my 'spiritual discernment' is affected,my 'spidey sense'!!..,(it is officially called the gift of 'discernment of spirits',which the Bible doesn't say a lot about,but in essence means being able to tell the difference between good and bad spirits).From lunchtime on tueasday until 8.30 wednesday morning i was sleeping, not solidly of course as i still have Ben to care for!! but dosing...i wasnt tired, and had slept well the night before.. its all very strange,in her books Dr Rebbeca Brown says that sometimes we are tired because we have been fighting spiritual battles,or at least our spirit/soul has! I don't want to overthink all this, it could be just that i have been resisting some trap of Sin the enemy has set up for me!!, i know my post the other day about my relative (sister) may have seemed sinful, maybe it was, i know i have forgiven her,its just her behaviour that puzzles me, and maybe the criticism could come that because i am not in contact with her at all that i am holding a grudge,I am not i believe the Bible does allow us to cut those out of our lives who would cause us to Sin,after a long life of painful,useless arguments i know it leads no-where and will no longer engage with those people who like to argue,i still love her, i can't help it!.. and would wish her health and happiness, but i am done with Controlling, dominating personalities!!(avoiding them like the plague, is not an understatemnt!!!)

Hyenas,or flying monkeys?...Or MORE BOMBASTIC BULLYING?

I have just been checking up on the internet on the 'bombastic bully', unfortunately a relative of mine,its all very discouraging, she hasn't changed!!,she is very 'big' on twitter,where no-one is allowed to disagree with her, if they even try to use the 'free speech' she would as a bleeding heart liberal say SHE believes in, she gets her pack of fellow bullies, to attack mercilessly...(the flying monkeys)...its all very discouraging,i have spent so long praying for her,(and sadly she has only come out as an Athiest since she failed to control me)!!.. What is most laughable to me of course is she SAYS she is AGAINST bullying!!!hypocrite!! I have commented on twitter as myself,and she has stopped anyone attacking me by telling them our genetic link,and of course saying because i am 'mentally disabled'(her words! or on the spectrum) and 'i should not be attacked", really frustrating...so i went on twitter with a false identity, and merely said "NICKY CLARK does not speak for me" just that!.., i then had her minions dissect ever word i had ever written, disparaging my use of language etc!!she re-posted my tweets for her pack of hyenas to rip apart!! hilarious!!!,but very bullying behaviour from a disability rights activist!!, in fact she is just a bored housewife with a laptop, she's never gone on marches! or put herself in any difficult situations...some activist!!!i am ashamed to say she is a vicious controlling person with a platform,and people who claim to 'know her',who don't...i do only too well...'one of the hyenas even said to me' as my false identity,"if you really know her you would not say that" Un-fortunately the Trouble is i DO know her,all her life,we grew up together,and i so wonder what made her this vicious person?.., who 'cares so much' for strangers, but shuns and mistreats her own family?..,I know my Mum would have hated the way she treats others and the thing she accuses my Dad of SHE has become!!....its all very troubling.....i pray for her every night to come to salvation,and i try not to be unforgiving, even though she was cruel to Ben, and to a lesser degree my other children.I know God is in this,maybe one day my Mums ashes can be buried where she wanted them to be, but she is waiting for my apology...and holding the Ashes hostage until she gets her own way.She has a lot of the traits of the pyscopath, uncaring of others,who will tread on any one to get her own way..so sad,God forgive her.

DO Abusers have a conscience?

I have been reading Terry Lovings wonderful blog today 'spiritual side of domestic violence' a Man called Brent who used to be an Abuser had read the blog and felt it was very condeming about men,and said that so 'many men felt really bad about beating and abusing,'I am so glad that he has changed, and He said himself that He has only Done this through Jesus, and TRUE sorrow for his Sin, we are all sinners every one says the Bible, and if it wasn't for the conviction of the Holy Spirit, God, we would all be going to Hell, The un-saved world says that certain Sin,Child sex abusers,Peadophiles,are unforgivable.We know that there are no degrees of Sin,its all the Same In the Lord God's eyes. What really made me think in Brent's reply though, ( I think it might have been on Terry's Post of 'do abusers have a conscience') was that he was talking about the fact that Terry was wrong to say they don't have a conscience,i agree with her,how can a person who hurts a person they say they love have any guilt? In my experience violent Men feel totally justified in their violence, to get what they want, in the book 'why does he do that' the common conclusion is that they do it BECAUSE THEY CAN, and it works for them!..the cleverest abusers even get the victims to believe its their own fault they are beaten!! they 'asked for it'...I have been told this many times! i also believed the lie that they had 'no control over it'...they do!. they bring it out when it suits them, when it is useful for them! I so hope Brent is genuine,but his attitude to the site gives me severe doubts... I have to just re-iterate here that their guilt does not absovle me from From forgiveness, i CAN HONESTLY SAY I HAVE FORGIVEN every punch, kick, even the vile words used to break my Spirit. (I remember Jon's words 'I cant wait until my boys are grown up and they can see what a BITCH YOU ARE' screaming pitch at the end...They are grown up now, and have experienced for themselves his true nature ,neither of them want to be around HIM,...so sad, i would have found that hilariously funny at one time, but now i just feel sad that the Boys have lost out on a Dad,Joe even told me that Mark, my first husband was a better Dad to them, than their own....)But to him even that would be my fault,God Himself knows i have not turned them against Him, His actions did that!..so sad.He would say he loves his Boys more than anything in the world, and yet treats them badly, proves my point really!!.. I know the Bully, (my Sister) in my family, the 'Wicked witch' of the East, as my Dad and i call her,has no conscience, and feels totally justified to ban Ben from family events just because he is Autistic,(and SHE calls herself a 'disability rights activist'!) to the point where my Mum cannot be buried where she wanted to be,because i 'have to say sorry to her first'!! sorry for what i wonder? Not allowing myself to be ordered around?...by a sister 8 years younger than me!..She is a very Hypocritical person,just like Jon and Howard,all controllers are,we are punished for having our OWN opinions,because of course we should only have their opinion on everything!! and we are punished for having the free Will to Exercise that...sad sad people...Yet again like the old Bob Dylan song,'lonely old men with broken teeth lonely without love'I think and pray the saints that actually put up with these people should get free before their Spirits are broken too.I am praying for them!

Dust to dust.

A lady i know has put a post on facebook about a pot who talks to a person who picks it up! the pot talks about just being a lump of mud,being picked up by a man and made into a pot, crying out at each stage 'stop its painful'the man just says wait,its quite a coincidence after my last post! who ever told the story has not made pots before becasue they leave out the first stage of kneading the clay quite roughly, and beating it down then the turning (throwing) it into its final shape,and the firing when the strength comes,the main point of the story is though that the Pot crys out at every painful stage, yet at the end is made into something beautiful,(and functional)!the muddly clay is turned into something so different and stronger!. In the funeral service it says we are nothing but dust,'dust to dust'in Genesis it says that the Lord makes us from dust!So when we are going through testing times we cry out to God for release,but we are going through the moulding proces to make us strong,Unfortunately we always learn more through Bad things than good!...

Lies,vomiting, and His Lessons.

Its half term,Max (my Grandson) has been staying with me,he said to me 'you dont listen',his speech is not very clear sometimes,and i did have Ben talking to me at the same time! I hope i am a good listener!, i thought i was, because i am a quiet person people do confide in me,a lot, more than i want to hear sometimes!! I went to the Biker Church near Warrington on the 2nd of February,and i wasn't going to ask Mike,i felt still annoyed with Him,but a situation came about when i saw him and he asked me outright when the next Meeting was!!, and un-usually for me,i couldn't think of a way to get out of telling him without lying!! so i reluctantly told him it was the next day,Sandra was annoyed too, when i told her, (both of them are very talkative, and it can be VERY irritating when i am trying to concentrate... God knew what he was doing though, because on the way back i was ill, Vomiting, i could not have driven,we could have taken all night to get back if he hadn't been there!)..Its an Hour and Half journey, which took two and half to get back because of all the stops i had to make!!.. God had a lesson in it for me though!(He always does!)i felt He was trying to show me that i was humiliated by being ill in front of others,and thats how Mike feels when He is ill,the Male ego being what it is it must be very much harder for them, dont understand Male ego at all!

Broken Pot

Its only february, and yet the garden is starting to wake up,except the frogs in the small pond, ususally by now the males are croaking for the females to come and mate with them, not this year! Maybe its becasue the garden was blitzed last year by my son-in-law Andy, it was overgrown in some parts,a bit weedy too and because it is very good soil we have many many slugs and snails, so it can be hard to grow things like lettuce,last Autumn i planted many onions, and Garlic, and some over wintering potatoes,which hardly grew, probably because of the extreme rain this year...so it was a painful thing to see a lot of the plants i had nurtured swept away by Andys shovel....some i had just put in too! It reminds me of the dream i had where i was in a field,surounded on all sides by houses,a man said this is all yours,was it new beginings? i suppose the garden before was so overgrown it was becoming too hard for me to handle, and i couldnt really grow what i really wanted to.. so its a new begining, a new oppurtunity,from a fuitless jungle i am soon to have fruit, well broad beans which survived all sorts of nasty chemicals thrown on to them!a lot died but not all! When i first came back to the Lord,the Lord put a picture in my mind of an EarthenWare pot, which had many cracks,almost every part had been broken, and stuck back together,and then it was new! NO CRACKS, a new creation, i knew God was saying that was me,and i was new,I had stuck myself back together when i had tried to fix myself in the world away from Him,but because i forgave the 'breakers' i was restored, stronger than before. No broken vessel can really function any more there will always be leaks...i was the new vessel for Him to pour His love and Healing in!Praise Him!.. He is the Potter, and i am the Clay.and i am not thrown away as the world does,when i threw pots i remember the process before of kneading the Clay, its thrown down roughly,beaten,just like kneading pastry,to get the impurities out,to make it pliable to be used, its not strong enough with out this,there is a lesson in there somewhere for us!not sure quite what yet though!

Sola Scriptorum.

Im still rather Puzzled by someones reply,Steve Finnell, the only follower i have! he has many many more!If you look at the reply comment he left it actually seems to have nothing to do with what i was talking about! 'less than Human' entry yesterday...very strange, he say on his blog that the book of 'mormon should be read'does this mean he is a latter day saint, its very difficult to tell unless he is willing to Engage with me, apart from a Barage of Scripture,i do engage with others with different beliefs to me.I have read up about what Mormons (Latter day Saints ) believe, and i am not impressed at all,Joseph Smith the founder, was a Criminal, its well documented in many courts in the U.S,they used to believe that Black people went to a lower part of heaven than whites,that women cannot be saved unless they were married,and what to me is most disturbing, that Jesus is the brother of Satan..They are entitled to their beliefs,but i have my beliefs and do not wish to change!I believe in Sola scriptorum, by scripture alone. I would not call myself a 'keyboard Evangelist ' as he does,i am not called as an Evangelist! if anything i just want to document my daily life,but mostly the struggles that God brings me through, and i guess my learning process of depending more on God everyday,i write it for me,and i know it is public,if anyone wants to share it with me they are welcome to read it too!as you are now! I welcome comments,but dont want to be preached at, i dont preach at others, so i expect the same courtesy! I am interested in others everyday stories,the ones where they learn from their mistakes in their walks with God.God bless everyone who reads my Story! xx

LESS THAN HUMAN?

A Man called David Silvester caused outrage in Britain last month by saying that the flooding experienced by people in Somerset, a southern county of England, were caused by the Government passing a Law to allow Gay Marriage, years ago when Israel gave up the Gaza strip to help with the Peace process, the exact same number of People were displaced from New Orleans as in Gaza,America was instrumental in the negotiations to give up Gaza,I saw an excellent programe on television last night about the Mighty river that burst its banks,in New Orleans,(cant spell it and don't have spell check)!!!
It was really sad to see that even now after all these years most of the homes have not been re-built,and to hear that the land was given to Ex-slaves,because it was too 'dangerous' to build houses for white people,it was shocking. To the rest of the world how slowly these poor black people received help,was appalling,would it have been the same if they were white?..And today Samuel L Jackson, was mistaken for another wonderful black actor, Laurence Fishburn,and the white reporter was really told off by Samuel L Jackson!
Oprah Winfrey said in an Interview that her Grandmothers dearest hope for her was that she would get 'good white folks', that lady who cared about Oprah so much could only aspire that much! its a shame she cant see Oprah's success today! and to see President Obama enter the Government building that was built by Black slaves, its Inspiring for all of us! i am Half Irish, and at one time the Irish were treated as the lowest of the low,so i can identify in some small way!
Was the Potato Famine a Judgement of GOD against my Race?...I don't know and wouldn't presume to say, all i know is that in these terrible events its always the poor and needy who suffer,and in Psalm 72 God says 'the poor and needy's blood is precious in My sight'

HYPOCRITES HYPOCRITES, ALL ARE HYPOCRITES

I am feeling annoyed today, last night the neighbours came back drunk shouting and laughing loudly at 12.30 a.m, it didn't wake me up because i was already awake,because Ben does not sleep until 2.am at the moment, and yet when Ben was making a small amount of noise,at the same time, but on a week day when they had to get up at 6 am, he complained and threatened to go to the Council...i stayed up with Ben until 5 am to get him into a better sleep Pattern,and offered to move Ben's bed away from the party wall where it had been for years, as their bed is right up against the other side of it,so Nathan and Zannie, came round and painstakingly move the bedroom round,there was a lot of shouting and banging things around from Ben later,but he slept there that night, and next day moved it all back to the original position on his own!!, it had take 3 of us to move it the day before!!! So in the end i thought i really is not work upsetting him like that, its been that way for at least 15 years, the neighbours can move their bed if they want to, they have only been there a few years! He had thanked me the day before we moved everything that Ben was being quiet,but as i had said i would move the furniture i still did do it..not to much avail though! I suppose what i am trying to get to in a very long winded way- sorry! is that we are all hypocritical,we all feel aggrieved when we see someone else behave this way, but can't see it when we do the same! How can we be so blind to our own actions?....Jesus said we seek to take the speck out of someone elses eye, ignoring the plank in our own!!,my friend Pete used to say when we point the finger at others we have three pointing back at us! is it true do we see the un-saved's actions more vividly once we are saved? I seem too,don't really know why!, i suppose it could be that because we have the Holy Spirt in us we become more sensitive to Sin..I do, i wince when someone takes the Lords name in Vain, almost as swear word, i used to do it..sometimes without thinking i still do... HYPOCITES ALL,EVERY ONE HAS FALLEN SHORT...the only person who never Sinned was Jesus,he lived to show us we could do better,to treat others as we would want to be treated,its a big responsibility!