Helen's gone home, to be with her Lord.

Helen died on Tuesday,Brian was with her,he rang me and said she just stopped breathing, the vile disease finally got to her lungs.I wasnt too upset apart from one cry after i had finished speaking to Brian, but the next day i felt quite tearful.

Alice

Tash has had the baby, born on the 5th, very fast too! Both are doing fine,and she will be going home today, it's a wonderful answer to prayer for our miracle baby.I was very anxious,but tried to give it to God,i was with her for few hours while Paul had to go home and do some stuff,i felt much better being there with her, we sat by the doors to the outside because it was so hot in there and had a lovely hot chocolate to drink,new parents were going past with their new babies, taking them home, and as she had been induced three times, she was getting to the point of saying, " that's never going to be me"

Helen in the hospice

Helen has gone into a Hospice,...it a place for end of life care...but I don't want to talk about that...God is still able to heal her,so I am giving it all over to Him,everything else which is going on seems to pail into significance compared to Brian and Helens life now...their daughter Joanna is due to have a baby on 12th December,just 10days after Tash...she was rushed into hospital four days ago with chest pains,they are still doing tests,she could have a blood clot,or pneumonia...I had the enviable task of informing everyone about thirty people about the situation,by email...

"Don't go in a taxi with"

Its a depressing time, being the mum of two daughters and the grandmother of nearly four grand-daughters,my gorls are older, so are not so vulnerable but I am honestly scared of the world my grand-daughters will grow up in...because predators single out young women and. Feel entitled to their bodies,they know how to shame, bully but mostly manipulate young innocent/vulnerable women.

Wet and windy welsh hillside

I am here again sitting in the caravan, on a cold wet and windy Welsh hillside! But I don't mind that, it's just so good to be away from Those same four walls! Ben has been going to a sports thing on a Tuesday morning where his friend from school, Chris has started going,he hates it but it's good for him to get out, and hopefully if he will stay on his own it will give me a few hours break from him,there is a coffee morning at the Church on the same morning, and I do like to go, so does Darren, so I will keep persevering.
I am sitting here in the caravan, and I can see the mountains to the left, covered in mist,some have almost disappeared into the mist,and When I look to my right there is the rest of the side of the mountain we are on,we are at the top, if I could see straight in front of me I could see the Sea, as we are less that half a mile from the beach, I think we are at the top edge of Cardigan bay so Ireland will be the next land, before we get to the Atlantic..it is so beautiful here, stunning really.

36 years of being a Mum

I have had a few minor attacks from the enemy, nothing really that is worth sharing,we managed to get to the caravan for a few days, which was lovely, Ben is going to a sports thing which his friend from school Chris is going to as well, so he seemed to like that,he says he wont go next time,but he will probably change his mind.
I have started to have my hair down, instead of tied up,first time since i started having children,36 years ago,i dont know whether it looks good or not, but i like it so that is all that matters!
I have lost some weight at the gym, in the three months i have been going, but more important a few inches off my waist!
I have missed Church a lot over the summer months, because of the Biker show events and going to the caravan,so i am hoping to go more now,it always is a blessing to me.Helen is getting weak now,but thats another Forrest Gump thing, "thats all i am saying about that".

Motives, and Madness

We had a great time at the biker church 7th anniversary, I went with Brian and his friend Rob, Mike was there with Eddie and some of the people from the prayer group he has at his house,the woman went forward and said that she had got more Love there than any other Church she has been too... then went down in "the Spirit", which in general I am not totally convinced by, as a lot of the women I have seen it happen to have been very much attention seekers, I am so "spiritual", you can almost tell the ones who will go down, (and men), I have seen the daughter of the scam artist claim to have received "Salvation" at least twice!!!
Men do it too,Mike has to come out with psalms, or his old lemon,"we are standing on holy ground"with him it IS showing off, as someone else said about him, it's the same psalm,139,and the same song for at least 15 years, why hasn't he grown in the Spirit since then?
I have been wondering recently if mentally Ill people can be really born again? I don't believe the Lord would let the go to the bad place when they die,but the Pastor called Frank once said that "You are just talking to the illness"interesting remark(about talking about and witnessing about the Lord),it's a shame.
Mike has got the Prayer meetings in his house he has always wanted,but just like when me and Darren and a few others we knew would meet as his house, he soon got sick of it when the scammer asked him to pick up her daughter,he could hardly get us out of the house fast enough!
I was reading up about my Gift Discernment, one writer said it would allow us to see others intentions,why people do things,and somewhere else I saw, it said Women who are beaten, learn to read body language really well, as it can save our lives...it saved my Life, and I will be forever grateful to Him, for saving my life.

Out of his league!

I wanted to write a letter to Ruth toady,or at least a Facebook post,to say something like,"I have been told he hits you,I guessed it of course,you told Daisy,you ask his sister Becky for help, she says you should leave him,but you don't...I didn't either,for far too long,why is the question,people don't ask me,but they want to" I didn't, I feel guilty after reading a lot of Captain Awkwards posts,(about how women aren't believed by their friendship groups if they are victims of abuse by a male member)or friend of the group,
I fell asleep and had a dream about seeing him about to kiss a woman,next I was at an airport trying to get a flight home, for 7 people, why seven?..no idea...for £900 each...so strange,I wasn't upset at him,just wanted to get home.. I felt hatred for the woman,who was our host,and was way way way out of his league!,maybe it was Captain Awkward's contributer's comment,s talking about our responsibility to other women, maybe it was watching a craft programme,making/sewing a handbag,I still have the one I made in the 90's, out of blue denim, but with a secret pocket, yes, all through that holiday in Cornwall I had a secret £20 stashed for our emergency get away,after you left me and the 5 kids with no food for a weekend...
I would never let that happen again, while he was sitting down to a lovely roast dinner at his parents,he got so angry when I rang him,and disturbed his dinner he drove madly to the phone box across the road,rang me to say he had a knife and was going to kill us all,his elderly Nan,talked him "down"!! ah the hilarious memories,I just can't believe I made a whole bag just for a secret pocket,and believed you were so much cleverer than me despite the obvious evidence against!...
Update: he has a new female friend, who Ruth is really worried about,even to the point of asking Daisy if she is secretly seeing him! ...I feel so sorry for Ruth,who is a really nice woman..

Garden,gym,and the Doctors

I have had a busy few weeks, I have started to go to the gym,I went to the dr and asked why I couldn't walk more than twenty metres without getting breathless,of course he said it's the weight,but when I was heavier, two and an half stone, my breathing was not as bad as it is now!..I decided to co-operate and at least give it a "go". I have done a lot in the garden in the last month, it was overgrown with nettles,so I slowly cut that back with a combination of digging the roots,cutting the top off and pulling up the roots with a crow bar, which gets a really strong grip on the really tough roots,so I grew some tomatoes from seed really late in the season,in June, I started them inside,and because they were so leggy, and small I planted them Really close together because I thought they wouldn't survive, and of course the are huge and every single on has grown! they are 18inches high now!, we have had so much rain this last two weeks,so the dwarf green beans probably won't grow,just rot in the ground...but I thought the same about the tomatoes,,!!!..Ben is putting on weight which is quite strange because he has always been painfully skinny.

Worlds Largest Female Biker...world record event!!

I have come back from a wonderful few days at the coast,it was a wonderful time, the field was completely empty and one day i woke up really early and just lay in bed and watched the wildlife and the clouds going by! a few times i have been watching birds and they have completely disappeared into the clouds, well i thought they were bird but i have some dots in my eye lenses which are there all the time but sometimes i forget and think they are birds!!(by next week,or it may be the week afterwards, the caravan site will be full of people, no peace at all!)..by 12 noon yesterday i had spent 7 hours driving,nearly a third of the day,because yesterday i went to a meeting of the West Midlands c.m.a,its was supposed to be an hour and a half journey, which tuned into almost a two hour journey!! looking on the map at home it was only four miles away where i got lost!! annoying!
So i woke up this morning feeling "wheezy",(with Asthma), so i have missed Church, i was going to go to a small local Methodist Chapel, where the Pastor of Biker Church was preaching, i am feeling slowly better, so may go along to the Event today at Lynn's Raven Cafe, the local Bikers Cafe,where they are doing a world record atempt for the most Female Bikers in one place, its a national event,so i will see if Ben's up in time!

Damaged goods, security blanket and the B.M.F.

I have been going through some testing times, I don't really know why, I have made sure I have been studying the bible every day,which I have not been regularly enough at all,I am still struggling with the thought that I am going to spend the rest of my life alone, I miss sharing my life with another person, but the whole idea is also terrifying to me,I have said in my testimony that I have been healed,from ALL the effects of being a beaten wife,being cheated on,and the effects on my children of having the Dads they have....but then this comes up..i don't know what to think, i have never felt this before...
I think that when I came back to Him (the Lord) and gave Him first place in my life, (and because the Bible says women who marry when their ex husbands are still alive commit adultery,) I thought I would never have to face these feelings again, other single Christian women I know are really interested in men, and want to be married, was I abnormal not to have those same normal women's feelings?... it's been twenty years since I last lived with a husband... years ago I would be lead by lust,rush into the physical, feel guilty and try to justify that by then having a relationship and have to struggle when it was wrong, i was treated badly, and then stayed too long...sometimes I still feel like my standards were too high....,I gave respect and love,always to be betrayed, either by being beaten, or by them going to someone else and lying about it...So even though I have forgiven Mark for cheating and me having a terrible time after that.
So its a confusing time!!! the doctor has said i should go to the Gym, which i have started,because my breathing has got a lot worse...and i have been diagnosed as being "severely disabled", because of my getting breathless,of course the doctor blames my weight, even though i was 2 and half stones heavier and my breathing was better!, but its not expensive,so i am doing it, but even that has made me feel insecure, its almost as if my weight is a security blanket to keep men away, and if its gone what then! its completely terrifying..
We did the national road rally last weekend, i stayed there all night,until 3.30 a.m,which was an achievement for me, everything was o.k at home, Darren slept on the settee downstairs,Ben was fine, and so were the dogs! so i was so excited to have the time away!

Helen's Voice

I am writing this on my new iPad pro which means I can only see the screen if I have a very small keyboard, I bought this for myself for my birthday...its a bit hard to get used to so I will have to ask Alec, he is so helpful with everything to do with computers, on my birthday I split some tea on my old laptop, which I got myself for my 50th birthday, it stopped working, and I haven't tried it since, so I am not sure whether it will work again at all,so it was really an impulse buy, but I am glad I did!
Helen lost her voice,because of her motor neuron disease,Brian said he was forgetting her voice,but had found an interview they both did on the Local Radio,about a Biker service they were doing at their home Church.I remember her voice,it was the softest most gentle loving voice anyone could ever hear, apart form the Lords...i hope i never forget..

59 years old

Its my birthday on Monday...59 years old!! oh my goodness i remember when i thought 25 was old!! I have had a stressful day, and i have only been at home! I have been trying to get my landline provider to change my Number, but they wont...EVEN WHEN I OFFERED TO PAY!!
We did a biker breakfast event at a Pub bout 25 miles away, WE GAVE OUT QUITE A FEW BIBLES,Praise God!!..so i may have been over reacting, or hypersensitive about upsetting my friends,they are either super forgiving, or i blew it all out of proportion...so that was a few days of worrying for no reason, what a waste of time!
The Enemy has been trying to get to me, and sometimes he has suceeded! But not always we have another biker breakfast tomorrow,it is sad that BRIAN and Helen can't be there but I may not have to go alone because a lovely South African lady from church may go too, she is called Kaye, and is a wonderful evangelist, in fact everyone says she is the female version of BRIAN as an evangelist!i can't remember if I said before but a man from the Netherlands came to the Lord through a conversation he had with BRIAN at the biker church we had in the local biker church a year and a half ago.

His bad choice, my wonderful choice!!

I have been going through an unsettling time in the last few weeks, some things, MORE things from the past have popped up, and i feel really un-moored because i may have unwittingly offended someone really important to me, even if I have not actually offended them, i may have said something which could be taken wrongly,and i assume all this because i didn't get a 'like' to a comment i made on Facebook...so i may not even be right about this...!! all very cryptic, i will explain if it is in fact true and i am not being super mega sensitive, which is really possible....but i somehow have this sinking feeling its not!
It takes me time to work out answers, i feel like a detective sometimes and just take small comments, and work them round from all angles,sometimes for days,i.e,I had Howard say to me once" I am not doing anything wrong, but if i was i would be too clever to let you know about it" (he went out saying he was meeting his friend Danny, and swore he was not meeting his ex-girlfriend,but when i rang Danny hours later, he said in passing, "i have been hanging round with an old friend today and a lovely lady, actually said "bit of stuff"!!,but he was at home then,(before mobiles), and Howard wasn't back,...at the time i didn't see the significance! I had been suspicious and had dragged the kids round every place i could think of he would be in town, to catch him out! but in vain!
I hate having a suspicious nature,I really really hate it,and it usually takes a while for me to get suspicious, but i'm like bloodhound when i get the spine crawling suspicion and wont let it go!! To be honest i think the Lord has given me a sixth sense about this,i am not clever, and I don't have Aspergers, BUT i can get very obsessed about being lied to, and i am ashamed to confess that i have gone through boyfriend and husbands pockets, and listened to phone conversations, (one pocket search showed up a til receipt,showing the date and time that Howard had been to a Town 20 miles away, in the few hours I was away at College, to buy the latest C.D from a famous group in the Nineties, Oasis,"Whats the story? Morning Glory" over the next few days i even said the name of the album, out loud a few times, in a whimsical way, just willing him to own up...he didn't of course!! the weird thing is the planning he had to do to go on the train, and rush back and pretend he had been there all day!!, never mind the money he spent was meant for food for the kids, and the fact he wouldn't get off his behind and go out and work!....and buy his own c.d's.
Some old memories have been brought up, and the horrifying realisation that all the things I have been through were because my husband Mark couldn't be faithful, i hate to blame him, but in Gods eyes its his responsibility. God holds men responsible for their wives well being,that was so upsetting,to accept that fact was really hard, i feel my mistakes,AND choosing to trust Howard and Jon was MY choice,but i have to accept Marks choice to have sex with someone else has led to some really really bad things happening to me...he has admitted,( not directly to me though) that it was him having sex with someone else,a man, that caused the marriage break up, which was good of him, but i have never let the natural course of his choices come to those conclusions before...
I don't have any bad feelings towards Mark, or unforgivness, or even anger, just sadness for a lost opportunity, a lost relationship, and my kids growing up without a normal family.I still cant bring myself to be angry with him.I do know though that he made those choices,and hated himself for it,Howard and Jon made their choices to beat, rape and emotionally and verbally abuse me, BUT they are not sorry,at all for hurting me, and continuing TO THIS DAY, if they could!
I made my choices! though i don't want to be a victim here,but i chose to not let it continue,(later than i should many times...),but i made every single one of them leave me and the kids after they betrayed me! and weirdly i am proud that i did it!! And most of all, and BEST OF ALL the greatest Love of my Life has healed me of any of the effects of these "choices" could have had on me, He has proved Psychiatrist's wrong who expect me to be a nervous wreck when i even tell them a small part of what Evil "choices" have been done to me!!
I am a miracle!, a walking talking Miracle!! but only because of the best "choice"I EVER MADE! You can make that choice too! turn to Him, its the best thing you will ever do! the best choice You will ever make, your life will never be the same again, you may not get the same miracles i have, but you will have your own Miracles,and best of all you will never walk another step alone, and will feel the most overwhelming, unconditional Love there is in the whole world, He is waiting for you to turn to Him, don't waste another second, no human, no mother or father, no child, will ever love you like He does! He knows you, He knows your thoughts, and loves you still, He knows every hateful thought you have ever had, every bad thing you have ever said or done, He KNOWS IT ALL,AND STILL LOVES YOU PASSIONATELY!

New Grandchild

Finally got here to the coast! i was going to go last Wednesday, but was up all night with my 'single struggles', then i was going to go on Sunday, but i saw the long line of cars on the road to the coast on the way back from Church and changed my mind again! The big news i have been dying to tell is that Tashy is pregnant!! due in December 3rd, and i just saw on facebook that Joanna, Brian and Helen's daughter is due in the 12th December!
It is such great news, Tash has been struggling with infertility for 18 months! and we had a bit of a scare when she had to go to hospital and go on a drip because of morning sickness, just a few hours, she was dehydrated.
When we were at the Stafford show she had a bit of a scare, and i asked Di and Alec to pray, and then the risk stopped thanks to God!

Single Struggles.

I have been really struggling for five days now, someone made a harmless remark, "will you look after my son when i am not around" shes an 85 year old,and while i hope it was not meant in any way badly,it led onto a bad dream and some thoughts which wouldn't go away!!I was shocked that she said it, and said "we will all look after him", meaning the Christian Bikers, and that evening i was so puzzled why she asked me, there are a lot closer people to him,i didn't think of him as a close friend,obviously as he is a married man!
I have asked some other people what she meant and no one knows, or wants to answer what they really think!So its stirred up some stuff! Mostly not connected but i have had some very unsettling dreams, NOT SEX DREAMS!! since then and feel very tearful, i do feel better today since i went to church.
Maybe I should have told him what she said! but then i feel ashamed what it all led into,...but then non of it was my fault anyway! I am really hoping that it wasn't meant badly,because i have seen her be a bit jealous and spiteful before with her family so i just don't know what to think!! very confusing!!
It has led into me feeling actually bad about being un-married, the first time ever!..i have never even thought about it,it was my life, and i was very happy with that! but i think also that i was putting a Barrier up to God,"I don't want it",I was deciding the path i was going to take, i was deciding for my life!!...my life is not mine but His, but of course i do know that the Bible says that its wrong to re-marry after divorce,if your Husband is still alive,i have TWO living ex-husbands!! so i don't think God is going to go against the Bible!!(or commit adultery which it says re-marriage is).

Adrian's memorial

I have had a really busy week,Joe helped me take some stuff to the tip,Tash had to go to hospital on a drip because of Morning sickness,and Daisy spent most of Monday in hospital with bad stomach pains.There has been another terrorist attack in u.k yesterday, but i am too upset to talk about it, because mothers and fathers are still searching for their children, a young couple Chloe and Liam are still missing, Liam's Dad died a few months ago...
I went to my friend Ruth's brother Adrian's funeral today,i was upset because Ruth was in tears... and like Forest Gump thats all i want to say about that....

Ride 4 Life

we had a great day yesterday, we did the ride for life, at a Airbase about 2o miles away, we ran the helmet park,which was free, voluntary contribution to the local air ambulance, but best of all we gave out a lot of biker bibles, the wind was very strong, and i was really cold, so i had to buy a thick jumper!!we looked after almost 200 helmets and jackets.My legs are really aching today!, and i hadn't had much sleep the nigh before and at one point wasn't going to go either!

Holy Spirit working in Church and In me.

God is making me make changes in my life,at least i hope it is God, and not just bad luck or the Enemy,I am clearing out rooms i havent touched for years, (they are not used).Things are changing,its unsettling,I thought i could depend on Darren always to be there and stay with Ben when i needed to go to Shows, its the biggest Bike show in Europe this weekend and i may not be able to go!!...but there are a lot of good things happening as well, Church is really such a blessing, the Holy Spirit has been doing a wonderful work,with forgiveness, and i went to a service focused on healing, i found i was Angry with God because Helen has not been healed yet, it was so emotional as i was sitting right next to her....I was really struggling, but gave in to God in the end.
It is so ridiculous , how can i be unforgiving to God!....I didn't blame God when Mike died...so why now? it just does'nt make sense...My Step mum has sent me some photos that were my Dad's, some of me and dad when i was a baby and one of Mike, its the same photo i had, which i took at Howard and Rebekah's wedding, just about four months before he died and only 6 weeks before he started getting ill, and was diagnosed.

Rats Mice and Colin

Gosh i am boring, i havent done much at all, nothing profound or even interesting to share! I have been cleaning out some stuff which should have been done a long time ago,old clothes and under the stairs, because there is an unpleasant smell, now i can smell burning i better go and see what it is!...its the young Chinese couple having a Barbecque!!! its 10% celcius, cold and cloudy, AND raining!!Oh well each to their own! living in a Terrace means we have to put up with living at close quarters,and just have to live and let live!
Gary next door on the left hand side looked annoyed when he came out of his house as the same time as me!,when he has lived here as long as I have he will learn there is nothing we can do about it! The last time i smelt smoke the young couples Kitchen was on fire!,and to be completely honest i really panicked thinking it was my house, until the Fire Engine pulled up outside...
Gary saw a Rat on his patio on thursday and his wife Julie took a photo,it was about 2 feet away from their back door,and i heard some chewing gnawing noises from the top of my stairs two nights ago,and found a load of shavings under the stair and worst of all signs of the electric cables being chewed!!
I was on the point of bringing down the ceiling under the stairs at 8.am, but because i had been awake last night i sat down because i felt tired and went to sleep until 1.pm! i have emptied out the cupboard,and with the other cleaning I am actually starting to sort the house out....its a shame that its taken this to make me do it!!
Ben's Grandad Colin is in hospital after falling and breaking his hip,he is having an Operation i have not told Ben because he is still in Bed. I dont know how he is yet.

Passover

So much is so good at the moment, some really happy family news, which i cant share yet, because i promised not to! Tash has passed her driving test after many tries! so its a relief that i am not the only one who can drive if there is ever any emergency,i have been talking to an old friend by email, and it is giving me some insight into the past.Its interesting to see the events through another person eyes,Christine is a lovely person, and i am very glad to have her in my life again.
I did a Passover Seder service yesterday which was very nice but i don't think i will do it again,it was 3 hours long!!, which i probably would have liked to know beforehand, because its hard to sit for that long, but its an experience!
I am going to have to check my Jewish festivals Calendar and decide if i am going to do them anymore.I know they just aren't Jewish festivals of course but the Lords festivals,my Job from the Lord i feel is to be with the Christian Bikers and share the Gospel, or support those who do, and i am proud to have been part of the Lord bringing Three people to Him over the past year, not many people, but it makes a huge difference to those three people! Praise God

Moaning-moaner- Mona Lisa!

Here i am moaning again,i have been stung on the eyebrow four times by some sort of insect when i was gardening,last thursday,didnt even notice it at first, now my whole eye is swollen and it looks like a black eye, except its not bruised just red and angry, Julie next door was stung almost the same time on her elbow, i was cutting down nettles with some shears...I feel hard done by and sorry for myself, then i feel totally ashamed when Brian and Helen are going through such a lot....

So many families..

It has been an upsetting few days here in England,with the attacks in London, a Policeman died,a young mum on her way to pick up her children from school,a Man on holiday to celebrate his 25th wedding anniversary from Utah,all families,and the man who did it, a British Man, not young, and radicalized but in his 50's...but he was a family man too, with a child...it does not make sense...

4.am

Its 4.am,and i am not tired, its one of the those phase's i go through once or twice a year where i am just unable to sleep,Ben is coming out of his winter phase of,sleeping until 6.pm, and i am doing the opposite!! My bowel habits have changed too...which is pretty unusual for me,i seem to have lost my sweet tooth, and some of my appetite, which is giving me constipation, and yet i am eating plenty of veg, at least five a day!!.
I am most creative during the insomnia episodes,i do the best writing,my mind doesn't shut down until i am utterly exhausted, i have just been to bed and started to drop off, so put down my Jeeves omnibus, lay down waiting to go to sleep,and... nothing!!
I have found sometimes praying 'in tongues' is helpful, because if the enemy is stopping my sleeping, strangely he would rather let me sleep! i have been reading lot of Captain Awkward's advice on friendship boundaries,so i have spent a long time, up to four hours a day on the laptop, maybe that's not helping me sleep!
I have also done a lot of reading back in this blog about the way i have been treated by so called friends, and tried to make some sense of it..Probably because my life is changing to a degree,i.e Mike and Andre,and new friendships.
One conclusion i have come to is that people are 'sent in' by the enemy when things are going well, with friends, in my life, it sounds a crazy self absorbed statement!! which it is, but i am Sure that God wants me to use my Mind, to avoid the Enemy's traps in future!
I was part of a powerful prayer walking group, we prayer walked round town everyday, for about three weeks,then a Woman called Evelyn came in and it was the end...people who i had known and trusted for years excluded me by critising my home,i had five children, between 6 and 16, bringing them up on my own, and the only critisim was, "she doesn't put the mop bucket away,from one week to another" what is interesting was that the Enemy used the relationship which had previously been very supportive,and it became abusive!!.. not just mop buckets,my 'friends' were encouraged to fade me out!!
So the Enemy was using the old techniques which had worked so well on me before!i.e critisim, and divide and conquer.In that group i grew so much and learned so much from the older ladies,about the Bible and the Lord,(more from Frances and Elizabeth and Coralee,less from Pat and Dot, who were more controlling, and would talk and bitch about the other women,they really didn't like them, and would find fault with them all,behind their backs, and i was just the silent, quiet and gentle person they recruited because the Lord gave me a Spiritual Sword,and i could hear His Voice,and was and am a Seer.
(Which just means that sometimes i see the world in layers,of time,i.e,my house is on a hill outside a town, over a river by a bridge, but i have seen the Hillside, green and a Druid human sacrifice in the place where my front room is...)
If i think about it i can see the hillside with women in dresses with Bustles,weary women in rags walking up the hill back to their families after market day,to their hut like houses in Wales,Some women who walked up the hill to their camp after the religious festivals at the Abbey....what the un-saved would call 'Pyschic Powers'...

Come to me all ye who are heavy Laden and I will give you rest

Life is good very good! i have hopefully sorted out the Trike 'problem',which means i have no reason to contact any of my old "friends", they can get on with their lives and I can do the things the Lord has for me to do, He has taught me, a valuable lesson, that i can just rely on him and i don't need to have someone to go places with, i can go on my own,because i am NEVER alone, He is always with me! I even went to Birmingham at 7.am,on my own, and watched the wonderful sunrise when we did the International Show.
Of course the Enemy still has 'a go'at me tries to pull me down as he does with all those who believe,but today is a good day, I am aware that i am shielded from the things He doesn't want me to do,twice now despite my unease that i shouldn't go in a certain direction,He has given me circumstances where i couldn't do it anyway! praise Him.
Of course i am disappointed in those old 'friends',and my daughter,that they couldn't be better people, that my feelings weren't important enough for them to give up being friends with my Ex abusers, but i am seeing that really i haven't lost anything by because they weren't real friends anyway,and like all abusive people,they cant actually love or respect anyone,no one matters but them,others are just there to use!
Freedom is wonderful!! , God REALLY keeps His promises when He says"come to me all ye who are heavy laden and I will give you rest"

Three saved from the Pit!! Party in Heaven!!

God is good! Praise Him,Brian was able to give a Dutchman a Biker Bible two years ago at the local Bikers church service we have a a local Biker Cafe,he put the Bible away and went back home, he was on holiday,he found it again recently and through it came to the Lord, he contacted the Pastor of the biker Church and told him, so even with all the Pain that is going on for Brian and Helen at the moment God still gives us fruit!Praise Him! It is significant that both Brian and Helen have brought people to the Lord,a woman called Carole were brought to the Lord by Helen and Clare,and with a guy who had a Bible at the Bike show we do in April and October, in Stafford, he came to the Lord too! I suppose the Enemy is mad, because that is three people who wont be spending Eternity with him in Hell.
It is so so so encouraging!!Praise God

No.No No

Yet another fight with the Vet yesterday because he wants to put Nipper down muttering about "his quality of life", this is just so typical, he has had his leg problems for two years,and his quality of life is just the same as it always was in the those two years...of course he did have a young student with him so he was a bit more pushy...
Ben is still on his medicine,only half a dose because he wont take it in the daytime,he generally seems happier in himself... but he wont go to any of the many activities available...i have let it slide for a while but will pray for Help to get him involved..Joe and Daisy are having some housing difficulties,and have asked Mark if they could move into his house,which is in town so more convenient.

more chinks

Its been a while since i posted,and despite me asking every one not to mention the ones who have cut me out of their lives,its come up from unexpected places!! i should have expected this of course the Enemy is like a prowling Lion,always looking for sin in our lives or chinks in the armour, but God is Good, and always comforts and Protects us,i have found this so true today,i have been feeling restless and He has been giving me "shots" of His love,like waves of Love spreading all over me, i have had this experience when i have been doing bible studies, recently but because i haven't done this for a few days now i wasn't expecting or deserving of any of this!!
So i started panicking, because its the same feeling i have when i have fasted all day,(hyper sensitive,all my 'spidey senses' in overdrive), and thinking that He was sending His love into me because something bad was going to happen,most of all, with Helen who has taken another downturn in her motor neuron disease, she cant have any food through her mouth now, and had some bad choking.So I am feeling very emotional, feel like crying for no reason.
I have prayed, repented of anything which could have caused this, and i felt something leave so am feeling better now, Praise God!

PORN!

Well not that's got your attention!! i would like to say that if you are reading this from any of the Porn sites that strangely view this blog!, you need to turn to Jesus, like any other Human being in this world you don't deserve to be saved, neither did I, nothing you have done is bad enough for God not to forgive you, He loves you now,as much as He loves me ,a supposed 'good' born again person,its not an Insurance Policy for a perfect life, but you will know perfect Un-conditional love, which is after all what everyone in the world is desperate for!!
He is waiting, turn to Him, you will feel clean and new,and will never ever be alone again,because Jesus says He " will never leave us or FORSAKE US" he wont, and never will,don't waste anymore time without Him.

positive today

I am feeling a lot more positive today!! I have asked people not to talk about the two that are not in my life, and have blocked them on Facebook so even if i want to i cant find out stuff about them, or let it be used to post nasty comments from one or theirs girlfriends parents about them being the only "good grandparents" or see Mark as a profile picture, showing that he has seen the baby because they have been to his house,so its ended, of course just a ploy of the Enemy because of what is coming up this weekend!

Sad today

I am trying hard not to feel sad today,because i don't have two of my children in my life anymore... most days it doesn't bother me i don't even think about it...its sort of 'Par for the course' to be treated badly by an abuser... but its not something you ever expect from your children, its worse than being beaten or raped for me, the pain is worse, i was a single parent and was there for them every day of their lives when they were children, while their Dad was only around at the weekends, i fed them every day,got them to school, listened to them, cared about them,and both of them have contact with their Dad, even visit him,take their children to see him, but not me.
He was and still, is an Alcoholic,he used to take them to Pubs when he had access time with them,and has had to be pulled back on to he pavement because he was so drunk in charge of them...my daughter believes the lies of the man she saw beat me, my son stole from me and then lied and lied about it,then decided not to speak to me, because i went to the Police, i had 'lost' £1600...too much to just forget about...but with hindsight i would have given it up to not be in this position now..
So now i have two grandchildren i hardly see,so today i am sad... very sad,i don't love them any less , they just don't think i am worth treating well, or respecting,or think enough of me to have me in their kids lives..so i haven't just lost them, but their kids too, they will never come to my house,or know me as just another stranger in a room they never knew...yes i am sad today...

Abusers and enablers

It has been a bit shocking today reading about how people make excuses when confronted by Abusers actions,how women tend to be frozen out of friendships groups because their so called friends refuse to "take sides", (or in my daughters case actually believe lies told about me)....really the conclusion is that "friends" wont believe, or challenge any bad behaviour..so the Abuser gets a free pass,one woman had got drunk and been found by her friend with one of their trusted male friends stroking her arm,she was put to bed in a safe place, but her boyfriend was still inviting the "friend" to social events,he had challenged the friend years before, at High school but the friend had a supposed breakdown, and threatened suicide...Manipulation, years later, the abuser had access to many women through this friendship group, and of course never got challenged again..

Jesus

Well i don't really have anything very interesting to talk about today,i have been ill most of this week and haven't seen the doctor because i have been quite a few times in the last few months only to be told," take some paracetamol and come back if it carries on" so i am trying to do that before i go to the doc's! i will go on Monday though if its not better.
I have commented today on Facebook about a Chaplain to the Queen who has resigned about the Koran being read in an Anglican Cathedral, the part which EXPLICITLY DENIES THE DIVINITY OF CHRIST...so so shocking... the Rev Gavin said that the Church of England is dying,how can God help or even bless any organisation which deny's His Son Godhood?.

Green Book

Its been a busy few days, yesterday i went for an early appointment at the Cardiologist,and have been discharged from their care. The battery on the old car is flat AGAIN, and Andre is coming up soon, i missed a call from him so i don't know the exact day,but at the moment i am feeling a bit rough so don't know if i will be able to go out! WHAT A SHAME!! i will miss out on seeing Him and Josetta, and Mike...I am just giving the whole situation to the Lord, last time it was a lot of aggro for me and for Mike, who is no longer my concern,but it gives the Ex Howard an excuse to be round his house.
Its been an exciting few days in America,my Local newspaper, the 'Shropshire star' felt absolutely obliged to share all the nasty trolling comments about the women Marches,i.e "TRUMP got more Fat women walking than Michelle ever did",with almost secret Pride that a vile women hating facebook group, had some Shropshire Trolls who were trolling some of the marches American organiser's,(which had had 83 offensive, comments on the women's appearance , the worst Rape threats were deleted).
Haters are alive and well! and living everywhere!
I heard for the first time yesterday about the all white towns called "Sundown Towns", (for years i have heard about route 66,a road in america,and i even had a favourite t shirt with it on), of the 89 towns on route 66, 44 had signs that said as you enter." "xxxxxxx " (offensive word for black people) "don't let the sun go down on you here" this was within my lifetime,as it only ended in 1966...starting in 1933, an Author called Candacy Taylor, has written a book, about when the black middle class in America started touring, and the safe places for them to stay on Route 66,we were shown a "rib shack" which was one of them,only about the size of a shed.
A book was published called the "Green book for Negro Motorists",listing the safe places to stay overnight so people wouldn't be caught in these towns overnight.
I saw another t.v programe which talked about lot of the Ku Klux Klan were descended almost exclusively from Scots,who had escaped the Highland clearances,( poor people had their rented farms taken from them, by the Landowners, who wanted a nice un-obscured view, and of course most of Scotland very empty, as most of the people went to America). These same people then oppressed other Poor people...it doesn't make sense to me, and i feel very ashamed to be from Britain today..

Ben's Medical missed again...

Well here we are again, Ben's not getting up and we have run out of food.He was supposed to have his annual medical today, but as he was up all night, he wont make the appointment at 2.p.m...So if it wasn't for my nieghbour Darren we would never eat!!
I am still waging war against the local rodents, blocking holes in floor boards, and round windows to stop them coming in, when it gets colder, but this year it hasn't really got very cold at all, it was 9 degrees yesterday, and its 6 today, so for the second day running i have turned off the central heating, i bet the Power companies are tearing their hair out!
I am no fully out of whatever low mood i have been in for at least a year,it got worse over Christmas, but its all better now,of course it hit me hard that my Dad Died, to be honest however old you are you,( me) really never expects them to die..i can't really believe its been 39 years since my brother Mike died..I have been talking recently to someone who was around at that same time, its strange to see it through someones else's perspective..
Of course facing the fact that those people who still have Howard in their lives are NOT my friends, has been a journey i didn't want to go on,but that started in January 2015, when my daughter chose to have him in her life over me,it has definitely given me a sense of release, its as if a heavy burden has been lifted from me!!..i don't feel i have to do the 'right' thing and swallow my pride and pain that those people don't care enough to do the right thing, its gone it's over, years of hurt feelings disappeared! Praise God, He does not want me treated like this! Thank you Lord!
Its been a journey to forgive them,they have been very surprised that i don't put up with it anymore,(on Christmas Eve Mike started talking to me,loudly lecturing me with information i already knew!..he's shocked when i use the first chance to get away!(someone walked between us and said sorry, for interrupting, or some other inane comment, and i said) "I'm always getting in your way" jokingly,Mike turned away, and i walked off!!)
I still care about Mike, i would hate anything bad to happen to him,i still care about my daughter, and Sandra,but their behaviour was unacceptable, and it doesn't affect me any more!
Mark, my lovely friend, (and first Husband) said just before Christmas that i was good at knowing when i was being taken advantage of, and gently stopping it!, which was a very nice thing thing to say because sometimes i give into the enemies trap of feeling I am taken taken advantage of all the time!

One million

Darren was round on Wednesday which he does most days, as he buys things for me in town and we watch t.v together for a while, last week we watched a great talk from R.T.Kendall, and american Pastor who used to be the minister of the Westminster Chapel in London very near to Buckingham Palace, but in the same time-slot around 5.p.m there was another American preaching outside,in a University in the in the U.S.A, his name was Cliffe Kenchtle, the programme was called "Give me an answer", and Darren and i were fascinated,young University students were asking him questions,and one young man asked a question "now that the world is such a better place, with less Violence statistically, increasing empathy,transcendence of the Human form"...and used the analogy of a mobile phone which is always being improved,but didn't see what that had to do with god's"
I was shocked because he really thought the World was better! and had "somehow changed itself" with "more understanding between people etc the reply was " I find it amazing that you can stand there and say we are getting better" he replied " I really do believe it, we kill each other less we live longer,we understand each other better, we are more literate,we walk forward whether or not we believe in God "
"I disagree," was the reply" and so did H.G.Wells,who was an English Philosopher who lived through World War One,and he believed like you in the perfect-ability of the Human race,through Education, through technology through Scientific discovery,World War one came along and he realised it was the world to end all wars, then World War Two came along and H.G Wells was confronted with the fact that the most highly educated,scientific Nation in the World, Nazi Germany was committing the most horrible crimes imaginable,Dhakow, Auswitz and Buchenvald,and after World War two he wrote a book called the "Faith of Man" in it he wrote , "I used to pin my hopes on the perfect-ability of the Human Race,through Education ,Science and Technology,but i have witnessed in my lifetime a return to Barbarism,Violence and slaughtering people,like never before, and my Faith in Man is bankrupt". the young man replied," but if H.G.Wells was around today".. ..sadly proving he had totally missed the Point.
A wonderful , interesting debate,with a young man with high ideals and hope for the World, pretty irrepresable,and yet so so WRONG!...
One Million women are sold in Sex slavery today, oppressed by Violence, it used to be a bit of a joke,'hysterical women' scared of being sent to the "white Save trade",it was so unlikely to happen here in Britain!!, maybe women who wandered off abroad,but EVERY town in England has a Brothel with East European women,they aren't Slaves, but its the unseen,MILLION UNWILLING TORTURED DRUGGED WOMEN, who cry out to God.
That hopeful, fresh-faced young man, probably believes in a "woman's right to choose",but the violence done everyday to the innocent child who is an "inconvenience" to its parents?..,LESS VIOLENCE IN THE WORLD?
Maybe there is for a nice looking, fresh-faced young white man,yes maybe the World is a hopeful place, in his little Cucoon,his protective bubble,maybe he is a young man who would never beat a woman , or go to a brothel,but maybe would get his girlfriend an abortion.....but the violence involved in that?.. is Ignored.
Where is the innocent baby's "right to choose", whose basic expectation is protection of his life by his parents? where is his or her choice?, where is the woman, drugged and repeatedly raped's choice?, the beaten wife's choice,does she have 'the choice' to leave, when the danger is at it's worst?.

Mole Badger and Ratty

Rats! used to be used as an expletive, a swear word in England! Tashie has one one the farm, which comes out when she feeds the chickens, and is really cheeky,comes really close and thinks it deserves some of the food too!I have seen some more evidence of rodent activity outside, so have got some bins with secure lids just in case they decide to come back into the house,being an old house there are gaps,in the brick mortar around windows and doors, even at the bottom of the front Bay window, where there is a gap between the floor boards and the skirting board, so the battle continues! we are going to have another cold spell soon so i must try to plug any gaps before they decide to move in again!!

So annoyed at myself!!

Oh dear I spilt tea on my laptop this morning and its not working now! I am very annoyed at myself I have had it for eight years!!, I learnt how to go on the internet on it...I have a netbook but I don't really think it is the same...I will ask Alec to look at it...
I have been reading the bible book of Ezekiel, it is quite hard to understand, so will have to research a bit more! Its heavy going, but then i think well its about the children of Israel in captivity,so it might be heavy going! doh!!, i had a migraine yesterday which hasn't happened for a long time, and i have been having headaches for a few weeks now, but i thought it was part of the virus that's been going around the family for a few weeks now, i saw Nathan and Kelly lovely Baby on Tuesday,Celyn, pronounced kellin), shes a little Angel but slept the whole time,surprise surprise, she is not such an angel at night time, and screams a lot!..its so hard when you have a small baby.
I am very glad to be a Grandparent and give them back!

His Power

Well i was having a peaceful morning today until the Enemy had a try to upset me, but its not worked! God is so good!just some mosquito's which were a bit irritating, but they don't affect me! Even trying to think where the next attack is coming from is a lack of faith that God will protect me, its doubt! in His overwhelming power to Protect and Love me!! i had a headache this morning and I just asked Him to take it away and it went Instantly, Praise God, for He is good!! ALL the time!