Monday 31 December 2012

My Precious blessings

Today i am thankful to God for,my Children, and all the other Blessings He gives us, when times are Hard, and before we knew Him, we would have despaired, but now we never have to endure anything alone! Praise Him.
I feel sometimes that God hides His true Nature from us, until we are really comitted,and He hides His Nature from the unbelievers, always really puzzled me,but He is God and He can do what He wants.
Someone once said that the Bible is a closed book too,until you know the Author its as if its in code, interesting,with other books we can pick it up as we go along, but not with the Bible.So anyone who comments on it who doesn't know Him really cant know what they are talking about!!!!.., i remember reading a passage from Romans years ago, after i was born again it seemed to jump out of the page at me.
My Beautiful Tashies Birthday on Saturday,she is so happy now,in fact i have never known her so happy.She is a blessing to me, one of the many He has given me, i am not special, He gives many blessings to all His children, you just have to ask Him into your heart,say sorry for the Bad and He will bless You.

Sunday 30 December 2012

Filthy Lucre,and something far Better

Today i am grateful to God for good friends, who care about me,more valuable than gold, or any amount of money.
I have inherited some money from my Mums Will,not a huge amount,but enough to live on for a few years!..Its quite strange to be able to buy things,without worrying about it,or having to check first if i can afford it, it will mean i can go to my Caravan a lot more, because that was one of the things that would hold me back sometimes.
My children have been encouraging me to buy something for myself,so i have bought some gym equipment to try to lose weight, because of Ben i cant always get to the Gym.
Like Most Christians money is not important to me,unbelievers tend to desire it more, because they have nothing else to hold onto,no Loving Father who will always love and protect them as we do. So sad.

Friday 28 December 2012

Honesty and Loyalty

Today I am grateful to God for His Peace in my life, Even though the Enemy of our souls has been trying to rob me of that Peace, its a precious gift from my Father in heaven,i have walked away from it a few times this last six days but its always there when i repent and return to It.
 One of the blips was an anonymous text message with vile language,from someone who claims to be a Christian,saying my Ex ( Howard) was having sex with the scam artist for money!!!.. quite funny really, why would they think i would care less about that!!!... i strung them along for a while to see if i could get them to give themselves away, then i got bored, and their last text said, i was 'only trying to help'....so i texted back that they weren't and were trying to upset me...sad....sad....sad.
Its such a shame that there are people in the world who enjoy upsetting others,abusing , being violent,controlling, i have wondered so much about why they do it, and for what payback? Lundy Bancrofts book was so helpful for me! It was not good enough for me to just dismiss them as 'nasty' pieces of work'.In a nutshell his conclusions were that they behave like that because they enjoy it!.... some of them spend a while planning the next abuse incident, relishing, and enjoying it, its a bit of a shock, to an ordinary person,who does not want to hurt those i love even if they have hurt or betrayed me.
I saw an interesting study,could have been the Dark Triad, which said that all societies have these individuals, but in close knit small societies they cannot function so well, because everyone knows everyone else and they stand out too much, their anonymity in Modern society makes it easier for them to Function.
I was upset that the Ex was able to be at my Daughter house, with Nathan there too,it hurts a lot, there lack of loyalty to me is shocking,maybe not so much Nathans fault, its not his house, but to sit in the same room as someone who they saw beat me??...be friendly, speak to Him.
I could never do that,i feel too loyal to them to ever be around anyone who hurt them.I must have been a very bad Mother to have produced so much dis-loyalty in them....i was a bad mother, i thought my happiness was so important i put them at risk of Violence too......i thought i deserved better from them, i don't.I thought so little of myself, that i put myself in danger , when they should have felt safe they weren't.......

Saturday 22 December 2012

'tidings of debt and stress, debt and stress,oh tidings of debt and stress

Today i went to town, and was letting someone come out of their space so i could go in, and someone else who was pulling out to straighten their car, so there were  few cars behind me, most waited patiently, but there was the inevitable one who started blowing their horn! Christmas does not bring out the best in people,i am too big to dodge out of others way, so people bump into me, and they gasp as if its my fault! always younger and more able to move than me!! So far from the season of joy and Peace its the season of stress and aggravation, debt and depression! Its not a good way to honour my Saviour, His birth has been brought down by the World into another Pagan festival, which is where it came from in the first Place, the Catholic 'church' did not want the Solstice celebrated on the 22nd, so decided that the 25th should be the day, although he was born in September or October, probably during Sucoth.

Tuesday 18 December 2012

Poignant time of year

Today i am grateful for the 'christmas spirit' and although when i went carol singing on Friday i was tempted to wear my 'bah humbug hat' i have had to give into the worlds constant Carols and Christmas, on every T.v. channel,although i am quite aware that in Connecticut, there are some parents whose Christmas will never be the same, just as i suppose it was for my parents 34years ago.
My friend Ruth's father,who was a Vicar said at the time 'it was poignant,to lose a young life, at Christmas.'
I am still not sure if the Solicitor has sent out the letter to the Ex,telling him that if he talks to me again he will be served with an Injunction,she probably should let me know, so i can be ready. I will ring later.

Saturday 15 December 2012

Kincaid and Carols

Today i am grateful to God for giving me my life back! on my way to a wonderful ladies meeting a squirrel ran into the road,which in the past is a sign that God is pleased with the path i am taking! after talking to some lovely believers yesterday i went to Carol singing at a shopping centre, there were about ten of us, Ben hated it of course and i had to leave before the end because he was using some very bad language!  The lady who was talking at the meeting was a clan chief of the Kincaid of Kincaid, apparently she says some of it was in the latest Skyfall 007 movie.

Wednesday 12 December 2012

Down Memory Lane,by Frank Bailey

Today i am Grateful to God for good friends and family, God is so good to me,i am so grateful that He has saved me,I let the Enemy in a bit this week, everything had been going very well, i went to a lovely Church on Sunday, felt a lot of the Joy of the Lord there,it was wonderful! I have had a chance to tlk to a family member about the coming battle,which i cant really talk about just yet,i am sure that the Ex has been told what is coming but i am not going to give him any warning!
There is a long History in my family of Sisters not getting on, my Grandad Frank ( who wrote the song  'Down Memory Lane and had it stolen by a big organisation here in U.k) , had two sisters, Emmy and Minny,who were very close, and were eventually able to houses next to each other, they argued, and never spoke again!...Me and My sister dont talk to each other, now my Girls have not spoken to each other for over a year,The' Rosanna' element explains some of it,in mine and my girls generation,but Emmy and Minny were from the other side of the Family,so it has to be from both sides...!!!..

Sunday 9 December 2012

NO taming the shrews,no taming the bullies.

Today i am grateful to God because He has made us all different, it would be very boring if everyone were made the same!!! The Shrews and Bullies i could do without of course! but i would never want them never to have been born now, i love both the Shrews in my family,but don't like them!.. maybe i would like it that the Bullies were never around, but without them i would not have Ben and Joe!...i have been talking to Joe about him teasing his girlfriend, he used to do it to me and Ben,she complained to me about it, so i talked to them both about it, and when he was on his own last week,i asked  him why he enjoyed upsetting people, he said it was funny to see them 'wound up',' and i said' but if you love others you should not want to upset them' It seemed to make him think, and Daisy did says he has stopped.The main reason is because he will end up lonely, and alone, like most bullies do,i care about his future happiness, and of course Daisy's too, i know he would have some of his Fathers characteristics,and he does, he is very loving, and affectionate, the only one of my children who is,and the care he shows Ben is wonderful to see.I was just worried in case he got the bad ones too, but he seems not too,Jon their Dad once said he could not wait until they were grown up so they could 'see what a terrible person i was'!!... they are grown up, and neither of them can stand HIM.!!!!..really sad because i did everything i could to make sure they had a relationship with him, Now Joe says he wished i had just cut their Dad out of their lives when they were little.!!
So there is no taming of the Shrews,(which of course is a completely anti female Shakespearean play, when women are beaten to make them behave, and of course the whole concept a woman is tamed by love is ridiculous......)!!!...There is no taming of the Bullies, they enjoy it too much, and it works for them really well, but of course the danger to others is that BULLIES GET WORSE,as the victims get used to the violence it takes more to make them 'behave'.and this is not just my opinion, Lundy Bancroft says this too, please take care anyone who lives with a bully, get out fast. Love does not save you,bullies don't love,anyone BUT THEMSELVES.

Saturday 8 December 2012

The taming of the Shrew?

I have just been having a discussion with Ben about what he calls 'bad guys' and particularly one of the family shrews, or 'Rosanna's' as they are called in my family, he wants to have a relationship with one, and has said' i will keep her away from you in town', and the other one he is mad with for having the Ex round her house... and a lot of the study i have made about these people who would even 's**t' on there only families if it suited there purpose. and the answer came to him and really to me in the same moment,'bad guys are bad guys because they want to be' 'i will talk to them 'said Ben,as we have all thought at times, we are incredulous with their behaviour).my answer was,'you cant change bad guys, they don't think they are doing anything wrong, they think they are completely justified treating their loved ones badly' although in simpler terms for him.
An Epiphany! Lundy Bancrofts book,' why does he do that', which strangely really anoyed me when i first picked it up has been so helpful to me, as women we are totally mystified by Violence and control when it is directed at us, its confusing, but they spend a long time relishing, planning the next incident! THEY ENJOY IT...Lundy Bancroft has spent years working with these men, and as a man can tell all the tricks.

Thursday 6 December 2012

34 yrs ago, yesterday

Today i am grateful to God because He is full of Love and care for me.
Thirty four years ago,my friend Rebekah's son was born, i was living at my Parents house, they had been separated for two months,we lived near the Hospital so Rebekah's Husband Howard came round afterwards to tell us,he was so happy, maybe a little stunned by the whole experience, they were only 19 and 20,he really had no idea what to do(,he had been sent shopping)!!!.. and my Mum had been a Midwife so i was able to ask her for advice for Him,Nappies, etc.
My Mum told me that Mike had said to her later that day,'i cant wait til i have a baby, because Howard was so happy' Very sad of course because, 18 days later he went into hospital, he died 2 days later.
So it was Laurie's birthday yesterday, a date i have never forgotten,and of course now it will always be the day my Mum died too.

Wednesday 5 December 2012

Elizabeth

Today i am grateful to God, for my Mum, its a year today since she died,she was a wonderful person, a wonderful Mum, and i am very glad she was chosen by God to be my Mum.I still have the little brown suitcase she bought me when i was a child in Kenya,i can still remember the smell of the plastic drink bottle she used to put in there for me,her telling me not to was in the patch of long grass in case 'there were snakes'.I remember how she spent an entire weekend in Belfast teaching me to read,they were using the Phonetics system, and i could not read until i was eight.
I can remember shutting the tail of her beloved cat Sooty in the bedroom door, in Chester when we were watching the moon landings in 1969.
I remember how she used to look in the mirror to check her make up and the way she used to purse hr lips!..She used to sen me upstairs at night when we moved to Shrewsbury to shut the curtains at night time, but i was not allowed to put the light on,'incase anyone was looking in'!!!.. very strange, we weren't overlooked, no on-one could have seen in unless they were on a ladder with a high powered telescope!!.
I used to hate it when i would watch T.V with her and she would critise all the women who came on, i never understood female 'bitchiness', never been like that myself, and i remember when we went to Mikes grave on Christmas day, when he died, and it would just turn into a rant against my Dad, i wanted to remember Mike.
She wasn't a Saint, and as i am one of the few people alive who ACTUALLY knew her longest,i feel i have the right to actually comment.She was the whole world to me as a child,a larger than life figure, so beautiful, which i thought was just me, until Tashies boyfriend said in some of the photos from the funeral 'she looked like a movie star'. Very proud!

Tuesday 4 December 2012

fighting the good fight

Fighting the good fight! the enemy wont win, i am standing in the strength of the Lord,i am not hiding from the world and life anymore, and with Gods strength, we will have the Victory! Hallelujah.

Saturday 1 December 2012

creeps and manipulation

Today i am grateful to God for my freedom to worship Him, and go to church if i choose,i am feeling a bit insecure about this blog at the moment, i am not sure if the Stalker Ex (howard) can get access to it, i have felt relatively secure that he could not up til now,but it should not be too hard get to this, even with few computer skills...... I have been talking to a few people about the whole history of stalking, its really made me see a few things!!... mainly how this has really be going on for at least 17 yrs, and not just the last three!...its a repeating pattern,in 1996 i had to leave a Church because he started going there, it was the same this year. I had to give up all my friendships within the church,so i was Isolated for a while again, until i started to go to Dot's group every Wednesday in 1998, what a blessing that was to me!.I started up a friendship with a lady called Pat,who i was friends with up til she moved away.
I then made friends with some other people who had also left the first church, Mike and Pete, who introduced me to Rob,we had meetings,with up to 12 people in my house.Pete had worked with the Ex. Howard.So he got involved again after a while,he became friends with them, and complained i had not forgiven him,( because i had not taken him 'back'.!!) Eventually i was excluded from the group, (for daring to tell the truth that the Ex,Howard, was not really born again!!;but he was just doing it to get to me!!!.)I was judged as 'unforgiving',because of course they believed his lies that he had really changed.!!!..('AND Rob felt able to say my children were,"out of control children",Although Rob had never brought up children himself!!)
So they listened to Howard the ex, in fact whatever a load of patronising misogynist men wanted to believe of his lies!!!.( although each of them wanted my attention individually to vent to about their sad lives!!...) One Kangaroo court was held at a guy called Joe's house,(where i was accused of not believing Howard was born again,) (i had told another friend privately,(Andre) who felt it o.k to tell Rob...).A gift to an Abuser!......It was held in front of about seven other people,i apologised,very very humiliating. In 2004 we had another Kangaroo court, because i had dared to not object to Marion asking Darren to come to the meeting with us,Rob did not like him and Forgiveness obviously did not extend to him!!..
I mostly remember the Ex Howard storming out of his own house because the others were not HARD ENOUGH on me!!!.....no one noticed or went after him so he sheepishly crept back in....!!!! WHAT A HERO! his finest hour, not just bullying me, but getting others to do it too!!!... The third Kangaroo court was because Rob kept picking on weaker people in front of others,it was at my house with just four of us, strangely he did not appreciate being challenged about his demeaning others!!,and i have never seen him again. Mike was the last one of the group,when he had no other friends, who could not cope with his Mental Illness and unrelenting judgement of others,i was there for him, he said he regarded my house as 'open house' to him, felt free to come round whenever he wanted, mostly without notice.Sad... These people were not my friends, not really...so have i really lost anything?..What is the common denominator about all these so called friends?.. all were male (obviously,), they all had had VERY un-sucessful relationships with women, were single, or divorced in Pete's case( a sister once told me that he had dragged his ex wife by her hair when he found out she was cheating on him)... and were all controlling, or violent, or had been arrested for sexually molesting women!! So of course with their histories of course they weren't going to treat me with any RESPECT!!EVEN THOUGH THEY HAD ALL SAID I WAS A HANDMAIDEN OF THE LORDS! i wonder what my Heavenly Father will say when they have to face Him!!God forgive me but i hope i am there to see it!!