Naughty not Nice

I have been very naughty and have not been reading my Bible for a while now,which is wrong because i am not allowing God to speak to me thorough the Holy Spirit..I have probably written this before but i read a book by the excellent Rebecca Brown, and she says it is a sin not to spend time reading the Bible every day, (to be fair she also said that not just spending time worshiping and being still in his presence is a sin too!)
So as always when i did read it last night, a phrase jumped out at me, one i have read many times before but my mind had been dwelling on how the Lord has brought me into a new life, it was Jesus own words where He say " i have come to heal the broken-hearted" WOW!! that's what he did for me, which i wish i had included in my Testimony! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU Lord!
Of course all beaten women are broken hearted, for the lie that was promised to them, the lie of a good life with a Good Man,, violent Abusers are NOT good men obviously!!, and of course it takes a while for their true nature to come out, we fall in love with the lie they are projecting. It is fascinating why they hide their true natures..Its almost like they have made a list of what women will need, and are ticking off the boxes!!
One very interesting blog says that when we make abusers leave they demand a list of what to do to be accepted back!..but of course its a trap and once back their nature re-asserts itself, it was "Cry for justice" I have written a post about the devastation i experienced when Howard's mask slipped, and he showed he had not changed), "the weight that dragged my heart down,that took me where i needed to be" 26/10/2014 is the blog post

more preaching...don't for goodness sake +1 this!!..

Well the annual pagan greed festival is over!...thank goodness there is only the new year celebrations to go!! Joy Of Joy we will be treated to fireworks at 12.am,no point in even trying to go to bed...i live less than a mile from the local park where there is a flower show in August so for two nights from 9.pm we have to endure 20 minutes of loud bangs with the dogs getting hysterical,and it gets hard to hear the t.v, the streets all around get jammed up with people too mean to pay to get in to see the fireworks!!, so the watch it from the pub gardens,next to the Park..
So i try to be away for it but sometimes its unavoidable... a lot of people seem to be reading this blog now ... WHY? its just a load of moaning..i have no idea why anyone would want to read it? really really no idea, i even had another +1 again.., just for talking about Ben's medicine...strange...its Tashy's thirtieth birthday today!! and i remember the day she was born so clearly...it seems a couple of months ago, it was Marks chicken soup that brought her in to the world!!,we had a false alarm on Christmas day so i was in hospital for most of it!! four days later,when i knew i was in labour, my mum came to pick me up and had to park on the pavement outside, a man was also parked there and and she asked him to move because " she was taking a woman in labour to the Maternity hospital" he move his car pretty quickly!...( when my mum came to take me for my last pregnancy she asked me not to scream in pain cos she didn't want my 14yr old sister to get too spooked)
I wish i had sworn at her now!! She had taught me to always be polite..so i was! Unbelievable!!Maybe that's why she told my sister that she wished she had treated me better!....I felt like a orphan all my life..but i wasn't,as i have shared before one painful night the Lord took me through all the painful things that had happened right through my life and told me He was there, ALWAYS there.
Praise Him! anyone who reads this needs to turn to Him,just say sorry for the bad things, we have all done things we feel ashamed of,ask Him into our lives. Many people never meet a born-again person,so cant see the difference that He makes in our lives,with what i have been through in my life i should be in a heap or a psychiatric patient , drugged up so much that i don't feel the pain, but i am not!!, i have forgiven every bad thing done to me, and i live a full functioning life, not stuck in the past or dragged down by it..i was a frightened scared beaten down person all my life, now i smile at strangers,and don't walk with my head down, i am proud to be the daughter of the King of Kings!, the Creator of this beautiful world..

sleep,and bulbs.

Ben has been on his new medicine since the 11th of December it is the 27th today,i am trying to think when he started to sleep in a more usual routine? i think it was a few days after he started them, one of the side effects is feeling tired, last night he wanted to go to bed at 10.00 pm and he went up before me!!. He has been getting up at about 8.am!! i know it probably wont last but it is great at the moment...of course its now very hard to get back into a regular sleep pattern for me!!.. i only seem to want 5-6 hours sleep, i tried on Thursday to stay awake downstairs so i could sleep longer in bed,but still woke up at 5.am!, maybe i shouldn't try to get used to the new pattern because it may not last long!! The weather is very strange, its December but really warm,15 degrees,we have only had about 3 days of actual frost! the geranium outside the front of the house is still alive and the one on the back window is flowering! spring bulbs are growing, and are two -three inches out of the soil already!There has been a lot of rain,some homes in Cumbria have been flooded three times just this month....And Suki has started to get his summer coat,so yet again we have a house covered in Husky hair.I have solved the mouse problem, well i though i had but i just heard a movement from the other room, i will have to keep going with the humane traps until they are all gone!!

A friendly face?

Ben hasn't been sleeping well for about six weeks now,so we haven't really been able to get out much but on Wednesday he did get up early because i promised to take him to town!, we had nice time,and i just popped into a shop where i had ordered something a few weeks before,i had forgotten my receipt,but the girl who was serving remembered me, she said i had a friendly face...which was a nice thing to say! and i was quite pleased.
Just now i was trying to sleep,and was thinking about her and what she had said and it has made me realize just how much i have changed...years ago i would walk round and never smile(,o.k so maybe i wasn't happy).I was just a lonely divorced Mum,who felt unable to trust anyone..
I had not come back to Him and was trying to run my life myself and making a real mess of that!!!...Sometimes i listen to the Enemies whispers,and tend of think about the bad stuff, and because i talk a lot on here about Violent Relationships,Rape and the less savoury things of Human nature, i feel as if i am always a 'depressing person' to be around, but the enemy has been proved wrong AGAIN!!
My nature has been changed by God,i know he has done this for me,because i am happy inside now,and years ago i may have been happy to have my children,but i was not happy as a person, and never could have been until i met the Lord and His un-conditional love.

Waiting for Willow

Well Ben has started on his new medicine, unwillingly as he says it is making him tired, i have tried to explain that he is no more tired than he was before, staying up all night and sleeping all day do that to you!! Its my dads funeral next week..I am going to the doctor tomorrow , i have a few minor health worries. nothing worth worrying about! Tashie's house is nearly built,my son in law Andy is putting the roof on now its her birthday 30th on the 29th.
My new Grand-daughter Willow is due on new years day, poor Daisy is suffering, but not for much longer! So life is good, and i am not going to let the Enemy an his servants ruin my life! We had a wonderful meeting at Brian and Helen's this week,Max is doing well, Ellie is walking, and the poor thing has no idea what is going to hit her when her little sister is born!My Life is so good not through any thing i have one, but because i have a Wonderful Saviour, who has never stopped loving me, and forgiving me for all the bad stuff i have done

back to the old, praising Him for the New!!

I cant charge my new net book so back to my old laptop which has been updated by dear Alec, Di's husband. its a lot easier to use and much easier to type on as the keyboard is so much bigger than the net book, i got to Brian and Helen's last night, we had the local C.M.A meeting only five of us,all with some bad stuff going on in our lives but the enemy of our souls did not have the victory, because we still blessed each other and thanked the Lord for His wonderful love for us! We are not "cursing God and dying" which it talks about in the bibles book of Job,while God is with us we are victor's in Him!! I hadn't really thought about it until now but it is just amazing that the Lord has strengthened us all so much!!..Praise the Lord for He is good all the time

English learners?

Well a lot of people have viewed this blog in the last few days, much more than usual! strange very strange, last week it was loads of views from Russia! its probably people who are learning English......

learning to live with it..

Its been five days now since Dad died,and i am learning to live with the grief,i have only ventured out once, just to get Ben's medicines...i feel o.k in the house, but when i go outside i just feel like i am wading through mud, my legs feel so heavy.. i have not cried much, sometimes i just feel as if i start i am not going to be able to stop...i felt the same when My brother Mike died, its almost like its too bad to cry about....on Monday the day i found out i was scared to go to sleep i just felt i would wake up screaming.. in a way its good that i have been so tired with Ben staying up all night that when i do go to sleep it is really heavy sleep...i got him to bed at 11 last night, but he had been awake since 7.pm on Wednesday night,27 hours, i have just tried to wake him up so he can go to bed earlier tonight but he wont get up, will try again in a few minutes..

"As night prevails"

Dad wrote a book in the 1960's when we were living in Chester, it was a Spy novel, much in the same style as James Bond, it was never published,anything he did was wonderful to me, i adored him as a child and although we were estranged for twenty five years, he contacted me again when Mum died and we have been talking about once a month since then, i think i have written about that! the last two times we met we have had a great time,he told me about things i didn't know about my family.Dad died on Sunday, and like Forrest Gump, that's all i want to say about that.

No one expects the Spanish inquisition....

I have been reading some interesting stuff about Rape,it was written by a man, and i found it through a link on Captain Awkward's website,i found i was still thinking of Rape mistakenly in terms of stranger Rape or Date Rape, which was really illuminating to me, when of course most Rapists are known to the Victim, mostly a trusted friend of the family, or a family member...The Author was saying that men should challenge their friends who "joke" about it or even boast that they have sexually assaulted.I find that i have to research this unpleasant subject, i don't really know why either!..maybe its because it one of the things that Abusers do, it all part of the whole VILE package!, that we are subjected to when we know an Abuser, along with Stalking,and Gaslighting!!! When i started out my adult independent life this was the last thing i would be expecting to be writing about now! but no woman expects this to be her life,all relationships start with good intentions, all women would ferociously deny that the man they love would ever hurt them, let alone Rape, and Stalk, and Gaslight, but as we all know , Abusers don't let us see their true nature until we have fallen under their demonic"spell". We all act better than we are at first in a relationship, but when we trust enough not to be on out best behaviour, is when the trap is sprung! One day we find up we have signed up for all this horrific stuff, and it takes a while to untangle ourselves.

Missed Andres birthday!...wont miss him!!

I am annoyed!!... i wanted to read the post i wrote about being Raped, but i cant find it now!!..its been a hard 4-6 weeks as Ben is now up all night and sleeps all day until 7.pm some days, its been his birthday so that day he got up and we went to town!. Saturday/Sunday night he was awake until 3.a.m and when i told him it was bedtime he was screaming the "f" word and saying how dare i make him go to bed".
(I was due to go with Mike to see Andre as it was his birthday on Sunday,Mike was really excited, and had cajoled me into it when i wasn't sure with Ben not sleeping well). I rang Andre and left a message at 9.am and told him what had happened and said i wouldn't be able to come, and after three hours of trying to get hold of Mike to save him coming to pick me up (when i was desperate for sleep), a wasted journey,i finally got through to him!
I had been ringing constantly for 7 minutes from 12.00 pm, he says " Andre's told me you are not going", no concern for my predicament!! no concern for me at all!! and its now been 26 hours since i left Andre the message, and not ONE WORD of worry or concern for me!( Years a go a woman i knew, she used to be my friend,gave me a prophecy she said came from the Lord in which she said i should let 'people go' who were taking advantage of me!!
Andre and Mike were in that list, which at the time i didn't take very seriously because she is a very controlling person...maybe it was God after all!!, but here i am being treated like "s**t again by these unpleasant people.!! No more, i Have not got VICTIM tattooed on my head, probably would save time if i did!!..
People who make me feel like CRAP need to be blown away as fast as their selfish selves can go, maybe i should have called this blog not 'my crap life' but my CRAP EX-FRIENDS and why stupid me loves them anyway!! Get lost!! P**S off , don't like you, don't care what you think of me,P**S off you ungrateful toxic BA****D's.. You nasty pieces of work!!

Local newspapers and Dads part in their downfall

My Dads written a book, which is being published in January,i cant remember the title at the moment , will include that later, so i have to say that as he is the only one who has had a book published, he must be the best writer in the family! i bow to his success! i forgot to mention when i listed the writers in my family that my Cousin Darren Bailey has also been published to and has written about three books too! Its Ben's birthday today so he got up early, at 9.30, and we went to town and he eat so much he was nearly sick , though to be honest he hasn't eaten any real meals for about three days now!