I have found out that 99% of the views on this blog are from porn sites! well the servers they use to access it anyway! but one useful thing has come from that,i have found out that the Broadband sheild was not 24 hours a day which i had asked for, but could be accessed after 9.pm, of course i have had a backlash from the Enemy after i have blocked it completely!i.e light bulbs turning on and off,cups swinging on their hooks when no one has been near them!
Of course i could blame Nathan, my son who set it up for me, i am pretty sure i wanted all the porn completely blocked,but its so long since it was set up that i cant be sure, in the end it is my responsibility to check!
We has a nice few days at the caravan,as its been unseasonably warm weather this october
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Mike has rung a few times but i have just given him one word non commital answers,and of course it has brought it all home to me how much i have put up from people over the years,but i feel happy that i dont do that now, with the Lords help, i hate to give up on people, and i really do everything i can not too..but sometimes it has to be done, and i am sorry to even have to say this, but illness,mental handicap,or controlling mysogyny are never an excuse to treat another person badly.
Monday 31 October 2016
Tuesday 25 October 2016
Cactus
Yesterday i got in the last of the houseplants from outside, where i put them for the summer,i have a very large Yucca plant,a Swiss cheese plant which i grew from a cutting from my Mums plant,a very large columnar cactus which i bought because i let the one i had grown from seed in the 80's to get frosted in one of the minus 8 temperature drops a few years ago.I had built a lean-to where i kept all of the plants,and it was right against the wall,so i didn't think that it would be affected, i was so sad because it was taller than me and in a pot i made at college...
Its another frustrating day for me, i wanted to go to the caravan today,but as usual Ben is not up in time and as it takes quite a long time to get there there will not be enough daylight left to go....i have hardly got any food in the house as i have been trying to go for about a week now.I have managed to scrape some food together today, but there is nothing left for tomorrow so hopefully it will mean i have to go tomorrow!
Mike has rung me up twice over the last few days... i sent him some money to cover the money he has spent fixing the tank, i have offered to pay for parking the Trike on his drive, which he refused to accept,he is trying to be friendly but i really do not want to be friends with him, i know it is not his fault as he has a mental condition, but i refuse to be intimidated or have veiled implications, he has had many other friends, but two of them in particular, he targeted like me,and not when he was ill, neither of them are his friends now....it is sad but unavoidable..
Its another frustrating day for me, i wanted to go to the caravan today,but as usual Ben is not up in time and as it takes quite a long time to get there there will not be enough daylight left to go....i have hardly got any food in the house as i have been trying to go for about a week now.I have managed to scrape some food together today, but there is nothing left for tomorrow so hopefully it will mean i have to go tomorrow!
Mike has rung me up twice over the last few days... i sent him some money to cover the money he has spent fixing the tank, i have offered to pay for parking the Trike on his drive, which he refused to accept,he is trying to be friendly but i really do not want to be friends with him, i know it is not his fault as he has a mental condition, but i refuse to be intimidated or have veiled implications, he has had many other friends, but two of them in particular, he targeted like me,and not when he was ill, neither of them are his friends now....it is sad but unavoidable..
Friday 21 October 2016
DISASTER
It is the anniversary today of the Aberfan disaster,its 50 years,somebody, Ruth has put a picture of facebook so people can remember...Ben's dad Jon was born there,after the disaster Sheila his Mum waved at her friend the day before and said 'i will visit you tomorrow', she was pregnant and her friend had just had a new baby,the next day her friends house was buried, she and her baby both gone....it was very overwhelming as a young mum myself to sit with His family during the 30 year anniversary, watching a t.v program about the disaster, with Ben and Joe's great Granddad, Grandpa George, sitting in the corner, not wanting to see, the people on t.v were all known to Jon's parents, whose family was on of the only ones who ever left Aberfan.
I knew nothing about the disaster, except for the name,because my Mum shielded it from me,i was eight at the time, the age of a lot of the children who died,and i was just thinking about where i was living when it happened,we were living in Belfast, northern Ireland,my sister had been born in august,i remember coming back from the hospital with her in the carrycot on the back seat of the blue Cortina estate car we had until we came to live here in Shrewsbury. We moved to Dublin soon afterwards, and that's where my Mum started to learn to drive, i remember being left in charge of Mike on a huge long beach, and the amazing novelty of my Mum driving the car to pick us up!
My Mum used to go for lessons with a driving instructor in Whitchurch which isn't far from here, in fact very close to where Lynn's Cafe is,we lived in Chester then...we cant have stayed very long anywhere because I remember Nicky going to playgroup/ nursery just down the road from out house, she can only have been four at the most, and that was a fourth house since she was born in Belfast...
I knew nothing about the disaster, except for the name,because my Mum shielded it from me,i was eight at the time, the age of a lot of the children who died,and i was just thinking about where i was living when it happened,we were living in Belfast, northern Ireland,my sister had been born in august,i remember coming back from the hospital with her in the carrycot on the back seat of the blue Cortina estate car we had until we came to live here in Shrewsbury. We moved to Dublin soon afterwards, and that's where my Mum started to learn to drive, i remember being left in charge of Mike on a huge long beach, and the amazing novelty of my Mum driving the car to pick us up!
My Mum used to go for lessons with a driving instructor in Whitchurch which isn't far from here, in fact very close to where Lynn's Cafe is,we lived in Chester then...we cant have stayed very long anywhere because I remember Nicky going to playgroup/ nursery just down the road from out house, she can only have been four at the most, and that was a fourth house since she was born in Belfast...
Monday 17 October 2016
Change is good?..lynn's cafe closing
It been a week since i got the car back, and i haven't heard anything from Mike, which is great, but i have heard from Sandra,( a facebook message to say that she hardly goes to the church where Howard goes anymore, except the Sunday night service and the bible study, and the ladies meeting...so really just the same as before!!) I didn't answer her as there is really nothing i can say,she will still be friends with Howard, no different from before!!!
So there is the sad news this week that the Biker Cafe where we had a Bikers service is going to close, the Landlord has decided to take it over himself,so that will be the end of that for a while,until there is somewhere else we can use,if there is anywhere! its up to the Lord.
So there is the sad news this week that the Biker Cafe where we had a Bikers service is going to close, the Landlord has decided to take it over himself,so that will be the end of that for a while,until there is somewhere else we can use,if there is anywhere! its up to the Lord.
Friday 14 October 2016
letting go...
It was my brother Mikes 55th birthday on the third of October, and i have put a photo of him on facebook. If anyone wants to read about that day, they can get onto the carewriteblog spot and read about it, its called Christmas day. Mike(my ex friend) has had a breakdown,he had insisted on fixing my car, and as it hard to contradict him when he is in the throws of a Manic, bi polar attack, i gave in.. it was at his house for nearly a month and he had hardly done anything to it.
Two weeks ago he rang me and said he had decided to charge me £200,(it cost £30) to fix it! i was horrified of course and rang him on the Friday and said i didn't want it to be done for a few months, he then insisted that he was going to do it anyway!..shouting over me!,again it was the same situation of me not being able to 'cross' him, after several phone calls to me last week when he insisted i buy a small plastic part, which i had told him before i was not able to buy at the time because i was having to pay a large £500 bill for the half yearly rent of the caravan site.The garage, which eventually fixed it just reused the old one!!
I was having a nasty phone call from him nearly everyday, one where he was very suspicious of a baseball bat i had in the car!,'why' he asked over and over again, i was trying very hard not to disagree with him and i just thought as soon as the car is done i don't need to talk to him again, then he said if the "cars not moved by Friday i will have it towed away"! and slammed the phone down on me!
He was scary, and very aggressive,i told him the reason for the bat, (because i have grandchildren,i never know when i would be playing baseball with the grandchildren, or just hit the ball for the dog), i was getting increasingly annoyed about having to justify myself or my choices,when he started on about the car,and said "well i thought you were given money to fix the car, why cant you use that?" and other stuff, he was using information i had shared with him against me!!`, and without the fact that he would be telling other people my business, especially Howard.
So it seemed however i tried not to upset or confront Mike, the usual tactics i have used over the years to pacify him were not working!!,i know it was the Enemy, it was very strange, and has never happened before! I know he is ill, i have made allowances for this for many years, but this was different,he has never been aggressive verbally to me EVER,this was new, I WAS TARGETED...
This was a new behaviour...intriguing... after a few days of this strange behaviour i put the phone down on him.
On Monday i did a reckless thing and went to get the car from his house on my own, but the Lord had provided someone else there so i had no need to be scared,it was interesting to see his changed attitude in front of someone else!!,he didn't talk to me at all in the way he was doing on the phone! he tried to get the occasional digs in(,i.e that i had told him to mind his own business about the money for the insurance,never mind the shouting down the phone at me or the talking over me, the refusal to let me have my car back, and the slamming down of the phone at least three times!!!..), but i let it go, i got the car away!!, but now i just have to decide what to do with the Trike! (which is still at his house), and has been for years, that's the only thing that gives him any reason to contact me, its in Gods hands now if HE wants me to keep it He will find a way!
On Sunday it was the biker church Rememberence at the Raven Cafe, for those who have lost their lives in the past year, and i thought Mike may be around as he goes to a nearby hotel for his Sunday lunch, but it was about an hour after he usually goes, so i didn't think i would see him, or he would be there!...so just to be sure i parked the car, well behind some others so it couldn't be seen from the road,but about twenty minutes later he parked right behind me!.I was waiting in the car for some other people to turn up, and then he said as he went past really aggressively and said'what are you doing here!! so nothing had changed!!!,then i decided i would take my car from his house the next day.
I know the Enemy has been using Howard, to stress Mike out, but this change in his attitude has been quite an 'eyeopener' to me, i have sometimes seen this anger and nastiness directed at other people before,Darren and Peter,and strangely enough after this they have not wanted to see Mike again!
So its been an interesting time! i feel good in a way that i did not allow myself to be intimidated into blaming myself for his accusations, or allowed myself to be spoken to disrespectfully!..on the phone anyway! it would have been a different matter face to face, but i don't have a death wish!!!.
I feel quite good about not justifying myself, or trying to explain how unjust he was being,something i have always fallen into the trap of doing, but i feel best about not agonizing over his actions, or his disrespectful behaviour to me, and not about the decision not to have him in my life anymore, he and that very sad man Howard can sit and compare notes about how unreasonable i am!!,but the Lord has given me some really good friends who actually care about me,and some of them are men, who are really good friends, so i can have relationships with the other sex, healthy productive,friendships with the goal of getting the Lords word out, and those TWO have no healthy relationships or even friendships with other men, or even women,i suppose i should be happy about that , i am not,i cant help but be sad for them,but not enough to try to fix them!!
Two weeks ago he rang me and said he had decided to charge me £200,(it cost £30) to fix it! i was horrified of course and rang him on the Friday and said i didn't want it to be done for a few months, he then insisted that he was going to do it anyway!..shouting over me!,again it was the same situation of me not being able to 'cross' him, after several phone calls to me last week when he insisted i buy a small plastic part, which i had told him before i was not able to buy at the time because i was having to pay a large £500 bill for the half yearly rent of the caravan site.The garage, which eventually fixed it just reused the old one!!
I was having a nasty phone call from him nearly everyday, one where he was very suspicious of a baseball bat i had in the car!,'why' he asked over and over again, i was trying very hard not to disagree with him and i just thought as soon as the car is done i don't need to talk to him again, then he said if the "cars not moved by Friday i will have it towed away"! and slammed the phone down on me!
He was scary, and very aggressive,i told him the reason for the bat, (because i have grandchildren,i never know when i would be playing baseball with the grandchildren, or just hit the ball for the dog), i was getting increasingly annoyed about having to justify myself or my choices,when he started on about the car,and said "well i thought you were given money to fix the car, why cant you use that?" and other stuff, he was using information i had shared with him against me!!`, and without the fact that he would be telling other people my business, especially Howard.
So it seemed however i tried not to upset or confront Mike, the usual tactics i have used over the years to pacify him were not working!!,i know it was the Enemy, it was very strange, and has never happened before! I know he is ill, i have made allowances for this for many years, but this was different,he has never been aggressive verbally to me EVER,this was new, I WAS TARGETED...
This was a new behaviour...intriguing... after a few days of this strange behaviour i put the phone down on him.
On Monday i did a reckless thing and went to get the car from his house on my own, but the Lord had provided someone else there so i had no need to be scared,it was interesting to see his changed attitude in front of someone else!!,he didn't talk to me at all in the way he was doing on the phone! he tried to get the occasional digs in(,i.e that i had told him to mind his own business about the money for the insurance,never mind the shouting down the phone at me or the talking over me, the refusal to let me have my car back, and the slamming down of the phone at least three times!!!..), but i let it go, i got the car away!!, but now i just have to decide what to do with the Trike! (which is still at his house), and has been for years, that's the only thing that gives him any reason to contact me, its in Gods hands now if HE wants me to keep it He will find a way!
On Sunday it was the biker church Rememberence at the Raven Cafe, for those who have lost their lives in the past year, and i thought Mike may be around as he goes to a nearby hotel for his Sunday lunch, but it was about an hour after he usually goes, so i didn't think i would see him, or he would be there!...so just to be sure i parked the car, well behind some others so it couldn't be seen from the road,but about twenty minutes later he parked right behind me!.I was waiting in the car for some other people to turn up, and then he said as he went past really aggressively and said'what are you doing here!! so nothing had changed!!!,then i decided i would take my car from his house the next day.
I know the Enemy has been using Howard, to stress Mike out, but this change in his attitude has been quite an 'eyeopener' to me, i have sometimes seen this anger and nastiness directed at other people before,Darren and Peter,and strangely enough after this they have not wanted to see Mike again!
So its been an interesting time! i feel good in a way that i did not allow myself to be intimidated into blaming myself for his accusations, or allowed myself to be spoken to disrespectfully!..on the phone anyway! it would have been a different matter face to face, but i don't have a death wish!!!.
I feel quite good about not justifying myself, or trying to explain how unjust he was being,something i have always fallen into the trap of doing, but i feel best about not agonizing over his actions, or his disrespectful behaviour to me, and not about the decision not to have him in my life anymore, he and that very sad man Howard can sit and compare notes about how unreasonable i am!!,but the Lord has given me some really good friends who actually care about me,and some of them are men, who are really good friends, so i can have relationships with the other sex, healthy productive,friendships with the goal of getting the Lords word out, and those TWO have no healthy relationships or even friendships with other men, or even women,i suppose i should be happy about that , i am not,i cant help but be sad for them,but not enough to try to fix them!!
Saturday 1 October 2016
Green garden
Yesterday was a complete roller coaster of emotions,i am still not really sure what happened, but i don't really want to talk about that now!...the past few weeks have been really tough, really the last month since Ben took the overdose, and the thing about me standing up and saying to my 'friends' that they were hurting my feelings a lot!I am still sleeping really well,so much in my life is really really good! I have started to clear the Garden, and have some big plans for a new greenhouse! i am not sure where i am going to have it yet, but i was really impressed when i saw the next door neighbours last week full of tomatoes and cucumbers, there are new people in the next door house,but it looked like they were looking after it, even though it must have been the nice couple who used to live there that planted it! i did see a piece of my old lean to there though, so that theiving nasty woman (who used to live there) and called called me a 'b***h'must have taken it!!
That greenhouse has been there for at least thirty years,probably 35 years actually, it doesn't look very robust,its all glass,and i have been reading up a lot about the siting of greenhouses and the angle is perfect to catch the most southern sun,it a pain to keep watering plants, which i am not very good at, and that is the reason why i don't have pots or hanging baskets outside the front of the house anymore,i did buy a very long hose but with the dog always running out at the time and the fact that i had to have two sets of doors open to use it put me off!! i am not really very interested in Flowers, although i can grow them really easily, i am more interested in vegetables, we have really good soil here and Mark said the best tomato's he ever grew were in this garden.I want to grow stuff i actually use,so will have indoor and outside tomato's and potato's too.
At the moment i have a lot of Apples, but the nettles have grown so much i cant get down the garden!, i have cut them down twice this summer and its just grown back, except where i dug up the roots, so will be doing that again over the winter months! i hate digging and am not really physically strong enough to do it for long so it is a very slow job!! i.e dig two spadefuls, rest, dig two more rest....
That greenhouse has been there for at least thirty years,probably 35 years actually, it doesn't look very robust,its all glass,and i have been reading up a lot about the siting of greenhouses and the angle is perfect to catch the most southern sun,it a pain to keep watering plants, which i am not very good at, and that is the reason why i don't have pots or hanging baskets outside the front of the house anymore,i did buy a very long hose but with the dog always running out at the time and the fact that i had to have two sets of doors open to use it put me off!! i am not really very interested in Flowers, although i can grow them really easily, i am more interested in vegetables, we have really good soil here and Mark said the best tomato's he ever grew were in this garden.I want to grow stuff i actually use,so will have indoor and outside tomato's and potato's too.
At the moment i have a lot of Apples, but the nettles have grown so much i cant get down the garden!, i have cut them down twice this summer and its just grown back, except where i dug up the roots, so will be doing that again over the winter months! i hate digging and am not really physically strong enough to do it for long so it is a very slow job!! i.e dig two spadefuls, rest, dig two more rest....
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