Ben decided a week ago that her wanted to be a good guy, so the screaming and swearing at night has stopped!!,i cant remember if i had posted about that before.Andre has said that the Lord must be working in Ben's life, because when he took the overdose he said he promised God he would not watch horror films anymore!! I know when i take a step closer to God there is an improvement in Ben, this has been the biggest improvement ever and its hard to get used to!!,because he is defying all the supposed 'tells' of what Autism is! Someone i once knew said she had seen in a vision of Ben being an adult with no Autism, i didn't take much notice at the time,,but maybe this was from the Lord, it seems to be coming true now!
I am running to catch up to the new Ben! I don't really know why this has happened,i don't understand, and i know though that The Lord is in everything, and i cant thank Him enough! I don't understand the Spiritual connection between me and my son's and daughters!the good soul ties that He has put there!...i don't understand why two of my children chose to not have me in their lives,its not painful anymore, i feel that that is a thing in my Life i have not control over, but i do feel that i must have been a bad Mum because this has happened....
I know i did may things wrong, i didn't always do the best i could, and sometimes put my own needs above theirs, So for a while i felt i deserved to be rejected by them, and did the best i could to fix it. They are adults, they made their choices, i love them and wish them well in their lives.Unfortunately its quite normal for family to 'fall out' as we say in England,i don't know why i feel i should be any different because i was a single Mum,or expect loyalty!!
Thursday 29 September 2016
Sunday 25 September 2016
Every Lie,every betrayal, every Punch, every agony of childbirth has taught me about the Lord.
Sandra has been complaining to someone "i am not friends with her because..." she was then stopped in her tracks because the listener did not want to hear it!! Of course this means that she is telling everybody, which would have horrified me before, but not now!! If anyone talks to me about it,i will tell the truth, i didn't start this, Howard did and I have done nothing to be ashamed of!!
Years ago,(2010)when he started this latest campaign of stalking ,i just wanted to make him stay away from me,and to stop the stalking,part of that has happened, he has not tried to talk to me directly for four years, but has stepped up the "low level" harassment via my 'friends' recently,i have taken legal advice again, nothing can be done about the 'indirect' harassment,because it would be seen as "hearsay"..YET,but as he is escalating it wont be long until he does something which means he can be subject to the law!
He may think i cant get access to law as i have spent most of the money my mum left me,but there is some left and i am willing to SPEND EVERY PENNY OF THAT TO GET JUSTICE!!
I am very angry now, i have put up with this for so long,since 1983.I am not burying my head in the sand any more,The Lord has given me the courage to stand up and be counted.I thank God for the change in me and the change in Ben!(he has now started to want to be a "good guy"!! so i don't have to put up with the screaming and shouting at bedtime,he doesn't lose his temper when he is crossed anymore and is getting up earlier!)
I can have a conversation with him, it is as if the overdose has triggered something to happen, in the natural of course i am sure there are plenty of 'wordly' people who would believe that, but i know every single part of my life is in Gods control! He is responsible for all this!! not me, not meds Him!! its strange to get used to this!!(Darren is not pleased because he cant get as much money from me now for looking after Ben)!!!.
Something quite telling happened the other day, but it shows me that the Enemy is right on the ball,!! I mentioned on the 17th that " the person i talk about the Bible and the Lord with, Darren is invisible to Howard"...6 DAYS later (yesterday) who just 'happened' to say "hello" to Darren in the street? HOWARD!! Darren just ignored him! and Darren said he hung his head and looked ashamed!!
So as the wonderful sister in the Lord Terry Loving said, he is being used by the enemy,doing his work, its not some pathetic human that i am up against, but the Enemy of our souls, before i mistaking-ly thought i was being a good 'christian' by not fighting back and i did 'turn the other cheek' for years, and even now i am not "fighting",i am not taking any unjust-ness straight from the Pit of hell anymore, i am standing up and saying when someones behaviour is not acceptable.
The enemy of our souls is not happy because i am not staying in the Box he had put me in labelled "victim". ! i am not a Victim anymore and haven't been since the day i kicked evil people out of my life!!(I hate the word 'victim' and even the word 'survivor', i am neither of those , i am a new creation in Jesus, a new person , that stuff happened to another person!!)
It has been at least 15 years since i refused to be treated like that anymore,even before the last time i gave Howard a chance to show me that he had changed,he was TELLING everyone else that he was the changed man he claimed to be!
Since the KANGAROO COURT in the 90's when i was challenged by the self appointed Leader of the group,Rob because Andre had told him a private conversation where i had said that Howard wasn't truly born again, and he was just pretending to get back with me!!..
In fact i had got in trouble for that before at the Church which brought me back to the Lord in the 90's, and NOW I AM SAYING THE SAME THING, and its just as true as it was 20 years ago!!...and 20 years ago Howard got himself back into my life by becoming friends with someone who was living at Mikes called Pete, he had worked with a few times, just the same as he has always done!, which is a bit shocking because that means he has been stalking me on and off since 1983!..,in 1984 i remember the sight of him knocking on the door after he had been sleeping in the Local Park, shivering and begging to come in,a pathetic sight? ... no but really just a manipulation to try to "get back with me" even then!! had no effect tho, didn't let him in!! another time i was pushing a pushchair over a windy bridge in winter and he cycled past, my face must have shown him that i was not pleased to see him, after the big smile he gave me!!...another time he had turned up with a friend to deliver something , and stayed after the friend left, just an excuse! still using the same old tactics!! thirty years later!!.
I don't really know why i am putting down these old memories!!..i seem to be working through the old stuff over the past few months! maybe the start to not being scared anymore is the Post "naming the abusers"
I know God uses the bad stuff in our lives to help us to learn, about this world, we have all learnt from the bad things,from the Good things i have learnt FAR more,about the things that really matter in this world,The Love of God, its the point of my existence,my life on this rotating ball,is to Learn about HIS LOVE.so its been worth it, every pain of childbirth,has taught me about the Fathers Love, every Punch has taught me about His forgiveness,every lie has taught me about his Truth,that HE IS THE TRUTH.
WOW!!. that's really powerful! thank you Lord, its all making sense now!
Years ago,(2010)when he started this latest campaign of stalking ,i just wanted to make him stay away from me,and to stop the stalking,part of that has happened, he has not tried to talk to me directly for four years, but has stepped up the "low level" harassment via my 'friends' recently,i have taken legal advice again, nothing can be done about the 'indirect' harassment,because it would be seen as "hearsay"..YET,but as he is escalating it wont be long until he does something which means he can be subject to the law!
He may think i cant get access to law as i have spent most of the money my mum left me,but there is some left and i am willing to SPEND EVERY PENNY OF THAT TO GET JUSTICE!!
I am very angry now, i have put up with this for so long,since 1983.I am not burying my head in the sand any more,The Lord has given me the courage to stand up and be counted.I thank God for the change in me and the change in Ben!(he has now started to want to be a "good guy"!! so i don't have to put up with the screaming and shouting at bedtime,he doesn't lose his temper when he is crossed anymore and is getting up earlier!)
I can have a conversation with him, it is as if the overdose has triggered something to happen, in the natural of course i am sure there are plenty of 'wordly' people who would believe that, but i know every single part of my life is in Gods control! He is responsible for all this!! not me, not meds Him!! its strange to get used to this!!(Darren is not pleased because he cant get as much money from me now for looking after Ben)!!!.
Something quite telling happened the other day, but it shows me that the Enemy is right on the ball,!! I mentioned on the 17th that " the person i talk about the Bible and the Lord with, Darren is invisible to Howard"...6 DAYS later (yesterday) who just 'happened' to say "hello" to Darren in the street? HOWARD!! Darren just ignored him! and Darren said he hung his head and looked ashamed!!
So as the wonderful sister in the Lord Terry Loving said, he is being used by the enemy,doing his work, its not some pathetic human that i am up against, but the Enemy of our souls, before i mistaking-ly thought i was being a good 'christian' by not fighting back and i did 'turn the other cheek' for years, and even now i am not "fighting",i am not taking any unjust-ness straight from the Pit of hell anymore, i am standing up and saying when someones behaviour is not acceptable.
The enemy of our souls is not happy because i am not staying in the Box he had put me in labelled "victim". ! i am not a Victim anymore and haven't been since the day i kicked evil people out of my life!!(I hate the word 'victim' and even the word 'survivor', i am neither of those , i am a new creation in Jesus, a new person , that stuff happened to another person!!)
It has been at least 15 years since i refused to be treated like that anymore,even before the last time i gave Howard a chance to show me that he had changed,he was TELLING everyone else that he was the changed man he claimed to be!
Since the KANGAROO COURT in the 90's when i was challenged by the self appointed Leader of the group,Rob because Andre had told him a private conversation where i had said that Howard wasn't truly born again, and he was just pretending to get back with me!!..
In fact i had got in trouble for that before at the Church which brought me back to the Lord in the 90's, and NOW I AM SAYING THE SAME THING, and its just as true as it was 20 years ago!!...and 20 years ago Howard got himself back into my life by becoming friends with someone who was living at Mikes called Pete, he had worked with a few times, just the same as he has always done!, which is a bit shocking because that means he has been stalking me on and off since 1983!..,in 1984 i remember the sight of him knocking on the door after he had been sleeping in the Local Park, shivering and begging to come in,a pathetic sight? ... no but really just a manipulation to try to "get back with me" even then!! had no effect tho, didn't let him in!! another time i was pushing a pushchair over a windy bridge in winter and he cycled past, my face must have shown him that i was not pleased to see him, after the big smile he gave me!!...another time he had turned up with a friend to deliver something , and stayed after the friend left, just an excuse! still using the same old tactics!! thirty years later!!.
I don't really know why i am putting down these old memories!!..i seem to be working through the old stuff over the past few months! maybe the start to not being scared anymore is the Post "naming the abusers"
I know God uses the bad stuff in our lives to help us to learn, about this world, we have all learnt from the bad things,from the Good things i have learnt FAR more,about the things that really matter in this world,The Love of God, its the point of my existence,my life on this rotating ball,is to Learn about HIS LOVE.so its been worth it, every pain of childbirth,has taught me about the Fathers Love, every Punch has taught me about His forgiveness,every lie has taught me about his Truth,that HE IS THE TRUTH.
WOW!!. that's really powerful! thank you Lord, its all making sense now!
Thursday 22 September 2016
David and Saul again
The things that have been bothering my over the last few weeks have quietly resolved themselves,or of course it could be that the Lord has been blessing me again! Which i receive gratefully from him,i hope i have been blessed because i have not allowed the perfectly justified anger to come out and have always tried to behave myself as David did in the Bible, not getting a reaction out of David made the King more angry and jealous,and the people in the land noticed, which made the King more jealous!!
Sandra was not pleasant about it, on the 14.9.16,i said to her:
" Hi Sandra i am glad you are getting back on facebook,it is painful for me to talk to you at the moment, as you are still friends with Howard, he beat me, Raped me, and stalked me for years.I don't lie, HE DID THESE THINGS TO ME, and is not allowed by the court to talk to me ,but if he does, he will be arrested.I have letters form the solicitors to prove this, i know you say you 'care about me', but i would not be friends with someone who did this to you", she relied:
"Hi Elisa so sorry your feeling these things you had to go through in the past, that they still have a really bad effect on your life, i do hope we can still be friends, and nothing will come between our friendship that would be very sad,you are a very strong woman and a lovely mum friend and a sister in Christ you are loved by many people, you love a lot and give lots of your time to others, your amazing the things you do for others" my reply,
"Hi Sandra, the only thing that could come between us, our friendship , is you being friends with my rapist? who beat me,broke my nose,how could you? and still call yourself my friend" and later that morning i said;
" and these things do not 'still have a really bad affect on my life' as you say,i have forgiven,and the Lord has healed me from any affects "(of the violence from 10 15 years ago)."i don't know how you can say that to me,i have told you so many times, it is as if it happened to another person.I expect LOYALTY from my friends and family.Howard is the reason my daughter won't talk to, me or that i cant see my grandson much, he got involved with them and even said the lie that he was her dad! which i told him many times was not true. Howard should just stay away from my friends and family.I went to your church for 15 years,i had to stop because he started going,( to try to get back with me, after 10 years!)I cant go to my daughters house any more because he started going there to!! to try to 'accidently on purpose' bump into me and i would get back with him!!
These are the thing he has done in just the past few years, since 2010, so much that i had to go to a solicitor,twice, (two letters from different ones asking him to leave me alone were sent)" because i was so sick of him getting into every area of my life. Is this acceptable behaviour by him, why cant he just stay away from my friends and family? If he was genuinely sorry for his actions he would".( 14.9.16.)
She did not reply to any of these last two, and today i sent her a photo of the solicitors letter, and the photo of Howard and Max at a "family party", Sarah my ex step daughter put on the photo from face book,when his son Laurie was over from China with his daughter, who they have never seen here, Fake and real grandchild in the same place!!, but strangely enough he had his hands on Max and was no-where near his real grandchild!!(Tashy had told me that he had wanted Laurie to bring the baby to Zan's house,so he had to take Max there instead!).
The text i sent with today's message was " Is this photo o.k" (to you)" this is the letter the solicitor sent me,this photo is from august, last month with my grandson at someones house,his first wife's house with his REAL granddaughter ,...but i can't see my grandson because he has poisoned my daughter against me, is this fair or the actions of a born again man?. I wont contact you again, unless you contact me first, let me know when he is no longer your friend anymore".
I was reading somewhere recently about Rape i think, on a website called "we hunted the Mammoth" about men standing up to their friends, other males about rape jokes, and they said it should be seen as an unacceptable thing,very much the same situation as i am in,if my 'friends' told him his actions were not acceptable,and stopped being friends with him he would get the message that he cant behave like he does.
Mike and Sandra and the church they go to are both enabling the abuse.Blake once quoted the Bible where it says, "where good men stay silent Evil abounds" Of course i stayed silent,as do most abuse victims, through shame of being treated so badly,and the voice of the abuser saying it all their own fault.
I did not press Mike and Sandra on being friends with him before this because,I thought we could co-exist, as long as he left me alone,and did not actually speak or engage with me,which was what the solicitor had put in her letter,but she also said "you should not interfere with Miss Hills freedom of association", which he has done, so i have some responsibility, in that i should have got angry before,DEMANDED loyalty!!
Howard wants certain things to be kept secret,(i did too for different reasons, that it was a long time ago, this of course has worked against me too).His son Laurie does not know about anything he has done,he said to Nathan once,"it hard when they have the same friends", (but none of these people WERE friends of his,until he started his campaign to get me back!!)
Laurie doesn't know he is claiming Zan is his daughter, or that he introduces him (Max) as his Grandson at church!!,I don't know if Rebekah (his Ex wife) knows about the things he has said, she is friends with me, and i have tried to ask her about her experiences with him and the fact the she once said to me "you know the trouble i have had with him",( I didn't know what she meant at the time),or that she told their daughter some of the things he had done to her,and Sarah was really shocked, but wouldn't tell Tashy the specifics.
I could cause a lot of trouble for Howard, he must know this, i have access to them on facebook, i could comment on the very photo i sent to Sandra, where his daughter Sarah says,"a family barbeque", and ask her 'why do you think your Dad has Max there?'.(.because he is claiming to be Max's Grand-dad and Zannie's Dad!!).and ask her why her Dad does not get a D.N.A test if he is that sure!! The shocking thing to me is that he hates me so much that he has ruined my relationship with my daughter Zannie,does he have no conscience? and that he would do the same with my 'friends', maybe i should try to step up my friendship with Rebekah, she has been round a few times to invite me to things!!! To be honest i have never stopped being friends with her. So i wouldn't be using her if i did!!
Sandra was not pleasant about it, on the 14.9.16,i said to her:
" Hi Sandra i am glad you are getting back on facebook,it is painful for me to talk to you at the moment, as you are still friends with Howard, he beat me, Raped me, and stalked me for years.I don't lie, HE DID THESE THINGS TO ME, and is not allowed by the court to talk to me ,but if he does, he will be arrested.I have letters form the solicitors to prove this, i know you say you 'care about me', but i would not be friends with someone who did this to you", she relied:
"Hi Elisa so sorry your feeling these things you had to go through in the past, that they still have a really bad effect on your life, i do hope we can still be friends, and nothing will come between our friendship that would be very sad,you are a very strong woman and a lovely mum friend and a sister in Christ you are loved by many people, you love a lot and give lots of your time to others, your amazing the things you do for others" my reply,
"Hi Sandra, the only thing that could come between us, our friendship , is you being friends with my rapist? who beat me,broke my nose,how could you? and still call yourself my friend" and later that morning i said;
" and these things do not 'still have a really bad affect on my life' as you say,i have forgiven,and the Lord has healed me from any affects "(of the violence from 10 15 years ago)."i don't know how you can say that to me,i have told you so many times, it is as if it happened to another person.I expect LOYALTY from my friends and family.Howard is the reason my daughter won't talk to, me or that i cant see my grandson much, he got involved with them and even said the lie that he was her dad! which i told him many times was not true. Howard should just stay away from my friends and family.I went to your church for 15 years,i had to stop because he started going,( to try to get back with me, after 10 years!)I cant go to my daughters house any more because he started going there to!! to try to 'accidently on purpose' bump into me and i would get back with him!!
These are the thing he has done in just the past few years, since 2010, so much that i had to go to a solicitor,twice, (two letters from different ones asking him to leave me alone were sent)" because i was so sick of him getting into every area of my life. Is this acceptable behaviour by him, why cant he just stay away from my friends and family? If he was genuinely sorry for his actions he would".( 14.9.16.)
She did not reply to any of these last two, and today i sent her a photo of the solicitors letter, and the photo of Howard and Max at a "family party", Sarah my ex step daughter put on the photo from face book,when his son Laurie was over from China with his daughter, who they have never seen here, Fake and real grandchild in the same place!!, but strangely enough he had his hands on Max and was no-where near his real grandchild!!(Tashy had told me that he had wanted Laurie to bring the baby to Zan's house,so he had to take Max there instead!).
The text i sent with today's message was " Is this photo o.k" (to you)" this is the letter the solicitor sent me,this photo is from august, last month with my grandson at someones house,his first wife's house with his REAL granddaughter ,...but i can't see my grandson because he has poisoned my daughter against me, is this fair or the actions of a born again man?. I wont contact you again, unless you contact me first, let me know when he is no longer your friend anymore".
I was reading somewhere recently about Rape i think, on a website called "we hunted the Mammoth" about men standing up to their friends, other males about rape jokes, and they said it should be seen as an unacceptable thing,very much the same situation as i am in,if my 'friends' told him his actions were not acceptable,and stopped being friends with him he would get the message that he cant behave like he does.
Mike and Sandra and the church they go to are both enabling the abuse.Blake once quoted the Bible where it says, "where good men stay silent Evil abounds" Of course i stayed silent,as do most abuse victims, through shame of being treated so badly,and the voice of the abuser saying it all their own fault.
I did not press Mike and Sandra on being friends with him before this because,I thought we could co-exist, as long as he left me alone,and did not actually speak or engage with me,which was what the solicitor had put in her letter,but she also said "you should not interfere with Miss Hills freedom of association", which he has done, so i have some responsibility, in that i should have got angry before,DEMANDED loyalty!!
Howard wants certain things to be kept secret,(i did too for different reasons, that it was a long time ago, this of course has worked against me too).His son Laurie does not know about anything he has done,he said to Nathan once,"it hard when they have the same friends", (but none of these people WERE friends of his,until he started his campaign to get me back!!)
Laurie doesn't know he is claiming Zan is his daughter, or that he introduces him (Max) as his Grandson at church!!,I don't know if Rebekah (his Ex wife) knows about the things he has said, she is friends with me, and i have tried to ask her about her experiences with him and the fact the she once said to me "you know the trouble i have had with him",( I didn't know what she meant at the time),or that she told their daughter some of the things he had done to her,and Sarah was really shocked, but wouldn't tell Tashy the specifics.
I could cause a lot of trouble for Howard, he must know this, i have access to them on facebook, i could comment on the very photo i sent to Sandra, where his daughter Sarah says,"a family barbeque", and ask her 'why do you think your Dad has Max there?'.(.because he is claiming to be Max's Grand-dad and Zannie's Dad!!).and ask her why her Dad does not get a D.N.A test if he is that sure!! The shocking thing to me is that he hates me so much that he has ruined my relationship with my daughter Zannie,does he have no conscience? and that he would do the same with my 'friends', maybe i should try to step up my friendship with Rebekah, she has been round a few times to invite me to things!!! To be honest i have never stopped being friends with her. So i wouldn't be using her if i did!!
Saturday 17 September 2016
Harvest moon
I have been reading the posts from the last few weeks,it seems like i have been totally consumed by the problems with my so called "friends" and their involvement with Howard,it seems to have taken up a load of my time!!, but in fact just because i have just talked about that for a few weeks, plenty of other stuff has been going on in my life! There has been a change in Ben,he is friendlier,actually smiles, and has been talking to other people...which is a big thing for him,he actually came up to someone i was talking to yesterday and said "Hi i am Ben"..he has NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE!!its so strange, i am not used to it!!
It was a full moon last night,i was expecting not to get any sleep but i did! i also had a argument with an internet provider who was supposed to give me a new phone number, and didn't! there were no apologies for making a mistake, just an insistence that i ring back in a week and ask for it again,i kept insisting they give me the number, without having to do their job myself...it really is not like me to argue, it is such a pointless waste of time, i would love the time back that i have spent in pointless argument!!, (mostly with people who did not have my best interests at heart)...who were trying to manipulate and control me,trying to make someone see the unfairness of their arguments is fruitless, because they are selfish human beings who don't care about anyone else's welfare just wanting their own way!!..So now i just state my case and then do what i want anyway! i am 58 years old, i don't have to ask anyone's permission anymore!!
My health has been so much better recently, i have managed to do my bible reading every day,and as always Darren and i have been talking about the Lord, and the Bible,its such a shame that the only person who really knows what is going on with me is so invisible to Howard! I am sure God wants it that way!!
I do feel a bit sorry about not having Mike and Sandra in my life anymore, but it was their choice! i care about both of them, they are lonely old people,and i liked being there for them,to talk to and going to Christian biker events with them,being able to bless them like that, but the Evil one was allowed in,by them, and i really feel they have lost a lot more than me,the enemy is an evil foe,i will not engage with him, with the Lords help!
The friends the Lord has brought into my life are really wonderful people, through the Biker Church, i feel i really have found the 'calling' in my life, it is so good to know i am walking in the Lords will for me!!
It was a full moon last night,i was expecting not to get any sleep but i did! i also had a argument with an internet provider who was supposed to give me a new phone number, and didn't! there were no apologies for making a mistake, just an insistence that i ring back in a week and ask for it again,i kept insisting they give me the number, without having to do their job myself...it really is not like me to argue, it is such a pointless waste of time, i would love the time back that i have spent in pointless argument!!, (mostly with people who did not have my best interests at heart)...who were trying to manipulate and control me,trying to make someone see the unfairness of their arguments is fruitless, because they are selfish human beings who don't care about anyone else's welfare just wanting their own way!!..So now i just state my case and then do what i want anyway! i am 58 years old, i don't have to ask anyone's permission anymore!!
My health has been so much better recently, i have managed to do my bible reading every day,and as always Darren and i have been talking about the Lord, and the Bible,its such a shame that the only person who really knows what is going on with me is so invisible to Howard! I am sure God wants it that way!!
I do feel a bit sorry about not having Mike and Sandra in my life anymore, but it was their choice! i care about both of them, they are lonely old people,and i liked being there for them,to talk to and going to Christian biker events with them,being able to bless them like that, but the Evil one was allowed in,by them, and i really feel they have lost a lot more than me,the enemy is an evil foe,i will not engage with him, with the Lords help!
The friends the Lord has brought into my life are really wonderful people, through the Biker Church, i feel i really have found the 'calling' in my life, it is so good to know i am walking in the Lords will for me!!
Tuesday 13 September 2016
Big bad bullies
I have been reading some very interesting articles on the internet,one is "the gentle art of verbal self defence, by Susette Hayden Elgin, i haven't bought the book but have read some of the stuff she put on the internet, summing up the basics,of course she is dealing with workplace bullies, who are not pyhsically abusive,so to me it seems annoying that its deflecting the bullies, mainly by placating them, the onus is on the victim to take the anger and danger out of the situation, which of course irks me a great deal!!
Yesterday i was reading a scientific study about Bullies,a researcher started studying adult male bullies who were offenders, then thought it must start in the teenage years, then went back to school age children, then back to the infants treatment by the Parent, it didn't actually say the Mother..but of course it would have to be a woman's fault!!
The basic conclusion was that childhood bullies become criminals,and wife beaters who cant hold down a job, and are a great burden on society,because they get more ill, need more intervention to help to learn at school,the study also says the these bullies, have less testosterone than the normal population, less than the men who achieve in society because they lack the verbal skills to succeed in society, this study is not true for Jon who has good verbal skills,but not a bully in the traditional sense because he only does it behind closed doors,but he does fit the criteria of being a criminal, not working, and being a drain on society, as he was sacked form the job (his Dad pressured for him to get) for watching porn during working hours on the work computer, his Dad was the Boss!
The Study was called "big bad bully",(by Hara Estroff Marando)and is easily accessible on the internet, it also says they have a "a hostile attribution make up" which essentially means they have some paranoia,in they think the whole world is out to get them, and see insults where none was given!!SOUNDS LIKE BATTERERS TO ME!!!
The university of Washington Pyschologist Neil Jacobson observes their are two types of batterers
CALCULATING COBRAS
REACTIVE HOT HEADS,
He says that "Bullies and Batterers minimize their aggressive actions, make identical cognitive distortions and attribute hostility to others where it does not exist"
Yesterday i was reading a scientific study about Bullies,a researcher started studying adult male bullies who were offenders, then thought it must start in the teenage years, then went back to school age children, then back to the infants treatment by the Parent, it didn't actually say the Mother..but of course it would have to be a woman's fault!!
The basic conclusion was that childhood bullies become criminals,and wife beaters who cant hold down a job, and are a great burden on society,because they get more ill, need more intervention to help to learn at school,the study also says the these bullies, have less testosterone than the normal population, less than the men who achieve in society because they lack the verbal skills to succeed in society, this study is not true for Jon who has good verbal skills,but not a bully in the traditional sense because he only does it behind closed doors,but he does fit the criteria of being a criminal, not working, and being a drain on society, as he was sacked form the job (his Dad pressured for him to get) for watching porn during working hours on the work computer, his Dad was the Boss!
The Study was called "big bad bully",(by Hara Estroff Marando)and is easily accessible on the internet, it also says they have a "a hostile attribution make up" which essentially means they have some paranoia,in they think the whole world is out to get them, and see insults where none was given!!SOUNDS LIKE BATTERERS TO ME!!!
The university of Washington Pyschologist Neil Jacobson observes their are two types of batterers
CALCULATING COBRAS
REACTIVE HOT HEADS,
He says that "Bullies and Batterers minimize their aggressive actions, make identical cognitive distortions and attribute hostility to others where it does not exist"
THE VERY LAST PEOPLE
I have told Sandra and Mike that it really hurts my feelings that they are 'friends' with Howard, because he beat, raped, and stalked me for years...but so far it has made no difference, Mike has even mentioned Howard the last two times he has spoken to me!!...so the slow fade out starts, i wont be answering the phone...going where i know they will be, or if we bump into each other i wont be rude, but leave immediately..
I am sad, i wish Howard would just stay away, like Eddie said, (he left his home town so those who he abused would not have to see him in the street!)..
I don't feel sad because he has taken these "friends" away, because they were not friends anyway! Not if they did that to me,to be perfectly honest i only talk to them because i feel sorry for them! each of them are THE VERY LAST PERSON I WOULD TALK TO IF I WAS UPSET!..neither of them has known what is really going on with me for over a year! i never ring them, and i am sad to say i never think of them! Sad people
So now i feel no responsibility, and as i said before i feel really free! as always with me its going to take a few days to get used to this new me! but i do know that yesterday when Mike mentioned Him it annoyed me for a few hours, i can do without that aggravation!!
I am sad, i wish Howard would just stay away, like Eddie said, (he left his home town so those who he abused would not have to see him in the street!)..
I don't feel sad because he has taken these "friends" away, because they were not friends anyway! Not if they did that to me,to be perfectly honest i only talk to them because i feel sorry for them! each of them are THE VERY LAST PERSON I WOULD TALK TO IF I WAS UPSET!..neither of them has known what is really going on with me for over a year! i never ring them, and i am sad to say i never think of them! Sad people
So now i feel no responsibility, and as i said before i feel really free! as always with me its going to take a few days to get used to this new me! but i do know that yesterday when Mike mentioned Him it annoyed me for a few hours, i can do without that aggravation!!
Monday 12 September 2016
Mummy's boys
I have just added a postscript to the post from the 5th July,, of this year, when i was talking about how i can have a man, trusted Brothers, hug , kiss, or touch me without hitting the ground in terror! and was wondering about the difference in my reaction to Jon or Howard,when i see them, i wonder how i could ever have been frightened, or scared by them! and I am trying not to be nasty!!.. neither of them is the kind of macho huge muscles' he' man in my mind they used to be!!, they are pretty weedy,pathetic physical specimens!
Jon is not much taller than me,probably 5" 5'inches tall, small frame, more like an adolescent boy, than a 50 year old man, slopping shoulders, and no muscles on his arms (when he was working he was called "two tile Johnny", because he was not strong enough to carry as much as the other men!)
Mentally he has no gift of communication,its not two way, he talks about people who the other person has never met,and i am sorry to say bores everyone!! i sound so nasty, but this IS Him, this IS his personality!
Howard i have to grudgingly admit is Handsome, or was!!, now he has white hair which is balding, with long wispy hair grown long at the back...it looks ridiculous!..( probably my fault because i told him years ago like long hair in men..) He is very tall, over 6 foot,he always seems really nervous, and sweats a LOT, his hands are always wet with sweat..yuk,he has broad shoulders,but has rather short legs and a long body,which looks a bit strange,he stoops a lot, and has the worst sweaty feet! gosh i sound so nasty!!..
His personality is not sparkling! he used his good looks to attract women...but actually living with a woman? has NEVER EVER been sucessful!... He has a speech impediment, (he cant say 'th'He says 'v' instead,),which can make him sound childlike...at first i thought he was of very low intelligence,which was a very bad mistake, he is very cunning, and very very spiteful, he is not controlling in the verbal manipulation sense that Jon is, he doesn't have those skills,and is incapable or unwilling to ever acknowledge that using violence to get his own way is wrong at all!!...OR unable to understand why i would be angry at being treated violently!!!...(i suppose most violent Men feel its perfectly justified to "punish us" like naughty children when we "dis-obey").. Maybe this doesn't sound like the same man as i described in "inside my abusers mind post", maybe today i am feeling less angry towards him, i think i better read that today just to remind myself just how bad it was then!
So i have no idea why i was attracted to these men! (another thing they both were "mummy's boys")and both these women never think anything their sons do is wrong!!, obviously like the Pope they are infallible!!!..its sad, i was thinking about that phrase, a "face only a mother could love"! well abusers are men who only their mothers could love!! Or us unfortunate women who cold only love them in the Honeymoon period before they let their true personalities out!!
Jon is not much taller than me,probably 5" 5'inches tall, small frame, more like an adolescent boy, than a 50 year old man, slopping shoulders, and no muscles on his arms (when he was working he was called "two tile Johnny", because he was not strong enough to carry as much as the other men!)
Mentally he has no gift of communication,its not two way, he talks about people who the other person has never met,and i am sorry to say bores everyone!! i sound so nasty, but this IS Him, this IS his personality!
Howard i have to grudgingly admit is Handsome, or was!!, now he has white hair which is balding, with long wispy hair grown long at the back...it looks ridiculous!..( probably my fault because i told him years ago like long hair in men..) He is very tall, over 6 foot,he always seems really nervous, and sweats a LOT, his hands are always wet with sweat..yuk,he has broad shoulders,but has rather short legs and a long body,which looks a bit strange,he stoops a lot, and has the worst sweaty feet! gosh i sound so nasty!!..
His personality is not sparkling! he used his good looks to attract women...but actually living with a woman? has NEVER EVER been sucessful!... He has a speech impediment, (he cant say 'th'He says 'v' instead,),which can make him sound childlike...at first i thought he was of very low intelligence,which was a very bad mistake, he is very cunning, and very very spiteful, he is not controlling in the verbal manipulation sense that Jon is, he doesn't have those skills,and is incapable or unwilling to ever acknowledge that using violence to get his own way is wrong at all!!...OR unable to understand why i would be angry at being treated violently!!!...(i suppose most violent Men feel its perfectly justified to "punish us" like naughty children when we "dis-obey").. Maybe this doesn't sound like the same man as i described in "inside my abusers mind post", maybe today i am feeling less angry towards him, i think i better read that today just to remind myself just how bad it was then!
So i have no idea why i was attracted to these men! (another thing they both were "mummy's boys")and both these women never think anything their sons do is wrong!!, obviously like the Pope they are infallible!!!..its sad, i was thinking about that phrase, a "face only a mother could love"! well abusers are men who only their mothers could love!! Or us unfortunate women who cold only love them in the Honeymoon period before they let their true personalities out!!
Wednesday 7 September 2016
RAGE RAGE RAGE,and chinks in my armour.
I have just been reading the post from february 4th about praying for healing, and the awful neighbour's leaving,the ones that moved in were really nice,they had a baby a few months ago, and didn't leave it to scream in the middle of the night either!! like the last ones did, i think they were stoned!!Ben used to bang on the wall...
Its been a difficult few days,Ben took another overdose and we spent the night in hospital, he is fine now,last week Andre came to stay at Mikes house,so i have mixed feelings about that too! They weren't very nice about Mikes house,he has been on a high since then, which i am hoping wont turn into anything worse...and he has gone back to his old habit of reporting in every day, after talking non-stop asking me what i have been doing, then talking over me at the first opurtunity, his friend from Germany has been doing the same, and sounds surprised when i say after ten minutes of a totally one sided conversation,"i have to go,cooking, visitors", something better to do!!
I am trying to be understanding about Mike,and thinking to myself..."well he is a good friend, always helps with car problems", so i will give him a bit of latitude, THEN he says something which freezes me on the spot..."i had a lovely time of fellowship with Howard today" STUNNED SILENCE FROM ME. which of course he doesn't even notice!..too busy talking over me... then i was so horrified with myself for sharing with Mike about how i was really feeling and struggling to forgive, people from the past who thought it o.k to interfere with my life now, (Jon and Howard of course),Howard was in a photo on facebook at his ex-wife's house when his son and daughter in law were visiting from China, with Howard and Rebekah's first Grandchild,what did bother me was that Howard had Max standing in front of him, Tash had told me He had said he wanted Laurie to bring the Baby to Zannie's house,so he got his wish just in a different place.
Fake Grandchild and real grandchild in the same place!!
Last week i was worried that Howard was going to take advantage, of Andre being up to use that to" accidently come round when i was there", that didn't happen but the Enemy has not been slack in finding a way to use Howard to try to get at me,never mind all the rest of the stuff.
Of course the worst part of all this is the fact that Andre is going to court because he has been accused of squeezing a woman's boobs.. they are all outraged at this woman for "lying about their friend"....whereas I am there having been raped, beaten,Stalked, and lied about for years,by one of their friends!!!..but i cant say anything without being judged, as unforgiving!!
I have felt that the Lord does not want me to Challenge or even talk about this to Mike.
So again this week i am facing another turning point with these "friends", do i drop them? do i give into the trap the ENEMY HAS SET!the almost impossible bind he has me in!..its going to take me a few days to process this, at the moment i feel so overwhelmed, and want to never see any of them again...because being friends and trusting them with my struggles, which i know for certain have been told to a person who despises, and would Physically hurt me in any way they could get away with!
I am SO ANGRY,that i have allowed the controllers access to my life by leaving this chink open...this weakness..THIS BELIEF that these people really 'cared about me', and that i could just avoid being where Howard was likely to be....its not worked, in fact has failed SPECTACULARLY...
I have not spoken one word to Howard in five years, but my every action, share or thought,he has known,have i been fooling myself when i thought that the Solicitors intervention in 2012 has actually stopped him?, or the threat of arrest had stopped him? I SEE WITH A SICKENING REALIZATION that my proud boasts of being "free" ARE NOT TRUE.I CAN NEVER BE FREE WHEN HE HAS ANY ACCESS TO ANYONE WHO I TRUST, with my most intimate thoughts and struggles,with my walk with the Lord.
I have chosen not to have this person in my home,or have any kind of relationship with him, because he IS DANGEROUS TO ME, but why why why cant i get him out of my life...
Its the next day, i have spoken to Sandra,i said it really 'hurts my feelings that you are friends with someone who raped,beat me up , and stalked me'.I have spoken to Mike and said the same thing.I have spoken to Andre today, but felt there was no point in saying anything to him, because i never see him, and the last time he was here i didn't want to see him at all. Sandra listened, but started to talk over me as usual!!,so she didn't really HEAR ME, at all!!...
I did talk to Mike for a while,( i don't feel the same check in my spirit to not say anything), i emphasized that' i would not be friends with anyone who treated him like that'. So its done,with pretty much the result i expected, and i feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I feel free, i don't have responsibility to them anymore, i don't have to go to meetings just because they want to,i don't have to think about them, worry about them! its over, i have not lost anything, because they have not been real friends anyway,and were being manipulated by Howard, and refused to listen when i told them, just like Zannie...
Captain Awkward ( the advice blogger) has summed it up for me by saying "Friendships have to be able to withstand boundary setting and communications, that certain behaviours are not cool,like you are 'hurting my feelings', or ..that thing you do is not o.k can you stop it?. If you are always biting your tongue when your friends hurt your feelings what you have IS NOT A FRIENDSHIP"
Mike has just rung me back said he was praying, and had got the phrase " a root of bitterness"!!! which did annoy me because obviously it was me !! just like all "victim blamer's" turning it round on me,i call him out on his betrayal,but its turned round on my supposed "bitterness".!!classic!
Its been a difficult few days,Ben took another overdose and we spent the night in hospital, he is fine now,last week Andre came to stay at Mikes house,so i have mixed feelings about that too! They weren't very nice about Mikes house,he has been on a high since then, which i am hoping wont turn into anything worse...and he has gone back to his old habit of reporting in every day, after talking non-stop asking me what i have been doing, then talking over me at the first opurtunity, his friend from Germany has been doing the same, and sounds surprised when i say after ten minutes of a totally one sided conversation,"i have to go,cooking, visitors", something better to do!!
I am trying to be understanding about Mike,and thinking to myself..."well he is a good friend, always helps with car problems", so i will give him a bit of latitude, THEN he says something which freezes me on the spot..."i had a lovely time of fellowship with Howard today" STUNNED SILENCE FROM ME. which of course he doesn't even notice!..too busy talking over me... then i was so horrified with myself for sharing with Mike about how i was really feeling and struggling to forgive, people from the past who thought it o.k to interfere with my life now, (Jon and Howard of course),Howard was in a photo on facebook at his ex-wife's house when his son and daughter in law were visiting from China, with Howard and Rebekah's first Grandchild,what did bother me was that Howard had Max standing in front of him, Tash had told me He had said he wanted Laurie to bring the Baby to Zannie's house,so he got his wish just in a different place.
Fake Grandchild and real grandchild in the same place!!
Last week i was worried that Howard was going to take advantage, of Andre being up to use that to" accidently come round when i was there", that didn't happen but the Enemy has not been slack in finding a way to use Howard to try to get at me,never mind all the rest of the stuff.
Of course the worst part of all this is the fact that Andre is going to court because he has been accused of squeezing a woman's boobs.. they are all outraged at this woman for "lying about their friend"....whereas I am there having been raped, beaten,Stalked, and lied about for years,by one of their friends!!!..but i cant say anything without being judged, as unforgiving!!
I have felt that the Lord does not want me to Challenge or even talk about this to Mike.
So again this week i am facing another turning point with these "friends", do i drop them? do i give into the trap the ENEMY HAS SET!the almost impossible bind he has me in!..its going to take me a few days to process this, at the moment i feel so overwhelmed, and want to never see any of them again...because being friends and trusting them with my struggles, which i know for certain have been told to a person who despises, and would Physically hurt me in any way they could get away with!
I am SO ANGRY,that i have allowed the controllers access to my life by leaving this chink open...this weakness..THIS BELIEF that these people really 'cared about me', and that i could just avoid being where Howard was likely to be....its not worked, in fact has failed SPECTACULARLY...
I have not spoken one word to Howard in five years, but my every action, share or thought,he has known,have i been fooling myself when i thought that the Solicitors intervention in 2012 has actually stopped him?, or the threat of arrest had stopped him? I SEE WITH A SICKENING REALIZATION that my proud boasts of being "free" ARE NOT TRUE.I CAN NEVER BE FREE WHEN HE HAS ANY ACCESS TO ANYONE WHO I TRUST, with my most intimate thoughts and struggles,with my walk with the Lord.
I have chosen not to have this person in my home,or have any kind of relationship with him, because he IS DANGEROUS TO ME, but why why why cant i get him out of my life...
Its the next day, i have spoken to Sandra,i said it really 'hurts my feelings that you are friends with someone who raped,beat me up , and stalked me'.I have spoken to Mike and said the same thing.I have spoken to Andre today, but felt there was no point in saying anything to him, because i never see him, and the last time he was here i didn't want to see him at all. Sandra listened, but started to talk over me as usual!!,so she didn't really HEAR ME, at all!!...
I did talk to Mike for a while,( i don't feel the same check in my spirit to not say anything), i emphasized that' i would not be friends with anyone who treated him like that'. So its done,with pretty much the result i expected, and i feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I feel free, i don't have responsibility to them anymore, i don't have to go to meetings just because they want to,i don't have to think about them, worry about them! its over, i have not lost anything, because they have not been real friends anyway,and were being manipulated by Howard, and refused to listen when i told them, just like Zannie...
Captain Awkward ( the advice blogger) has summed it up for me by saying "Friendships have to be able to withstand boundary setting and communications, that certain behaviours are not cool,like you are 'hurting my feelings', or ..that thing you do is not o.k can you stop it?. If you are always biting your tongue when your friends hurt your feelings what you have IS NOT A FRIENDSHIP"
Mike has just rung me back said he was praying, and had got the phrase " a root of bitterness"!!! which did annoy me because obviously it was me !! just like all "victim blamer's" turning it round on me,i call him out on his betrayal,but its turned round on my supposed "bitterness".!!classic!
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