Today 2

This is 'my day in the life of' as far as i can see this is the only one i have done since 2018! like that day today is Sunday, i havent been to actual church since about march last year , i would love to be there, but its still lockdown here in U.K, until the 21st, of June!! not very hopeful we will get out of it then, but hope springs eternal! so they say anyway... To be perfectly honest it hasnt really changed my life much anyway as we didnt go aout much anyway! 12.30 I went to bed,and read some of my new copy of 'Uncle fred in the Springtime',my last copy of the Blandings books , which were bought for a fiver, £5, brand new, paperbacks Today i woke up at 4.30 am,because i felt an insect on my neck, i felt it was a moth, but i was only half asleep so it may have been a bad dream anyway! then a scammer texted me,"your royal mail delivery needs to be paid for, please pay at this link' at 4.30 am which annoyed me because i may have been able to go back to sleep...but the neighbours were playing really loud music...they are really young i suppose,but IT WAS 4.AM...i feel like i might be repeating myself now.... So i came downstairs...had a cup of tea, a horrible pint mug type of thing,but it has a suction lid, which i love because flys cant go on it and i can leave my drink for a second without Suki drinking the dregs...which does happen overnight, dogs seem to really like tea dregs, my first yorkie Toto ended up with no teeth because of the sugar in the Tea, and of course my annoyingly lazy kids wouldnt think to put a Cup in the kitchen to avoid this happening....cant think where they get it from! I watched some interesting You Tube, i don't really watch any main stream media anymore,(i dont have a t.v. licence) anymore because as i am a born again christian i would of course not lie about that! Sky news Austrailia,...some Gardening videos, i discovered Gardening with Jane, 'janes allotment' i think its called recently and i like it because she looks like an older woman, i resent being told what to do by the younger ones! About 8.am i got annoyed about my young korean neighbours having loud music, so i put some loud rock music on my digital radio, with an extension lead and opened the side doors...but got fed up after about 15 minutes...it was too loud for me!! but i hope it disturbed their sleep...i got a bottle if wine last time from them.....still havent drunk it though... Off course i should have charged my ipad pro, as there wasnt enough battery left for me to watch the 9.am service at church via the facebook link...second week i missed it, last sunday Nathan had put some photos of him and his daughter and his two sisters in the local park,on facebook,about an eigth of a mile away from me,it was a bank holiday weekend and i think photos from the Saturday...i could see one daughters dog,and the other daughter was sitting on the Grass,and of course this has been another fruit of Howards manipulation in my life,and turning my kids against me...i have forgiven but am still sometimes hurt by new stuff...so a resoultion to stay off facebook! which is bascically a pile of dog turd. 10.am tried to work out how i am going to put a new tap on the sink, its on a wood work top, and the tap is leaking,and rotting away the wood, but it means i can change some stuff, i put my large swiss cheese plant in the kitchen,and am clearing out more stuff. 10.30 I am sitting down on my ipad,and heard a woman talking out side,'come on darling' and the door bell rang, i then realised that Suki must have got out...probably been gone a few hours...a MAN was there, about my age looking annoyed,'he was right down the road' he said i just laughed, i didnt even realise he was gone, he looked like he was thinking 'typical woman'...(men my age think its ok to tell me off sometimes)but wouldnt dare do it with a man!! but he actually left in a huff i and i said,'thanks' 10.35I fed the dogs, then i made some breakfast, fresh mushrooms, onion, red pepper, all in an omelette all cooked in the microwave, which was nice, and watched a young man who had tracked down his childhood molester and confronted him,on Shaun Atwoods you tube channel...which of course brought up some memories... 1pm, we took the dogs for a walk,but not spike! 1.30pm i watched a download of 'Treasures of the British library' because it showed some of P.G.wodehouses letters, someone whoses books i read everyday!

The Stalking, violent, Abusive RAPISTS funeral today...

Well he is being said goodbye to today...i have been asked to share some photos..which i did..i do have mixed feelings about today...i know that the person who is being talked about today isnt actually the person i knew...and the only other person who knew or spent as much time with him as i did wont speak out about who he really was...so i am the one who is villified, called a liar...my children saw him beat me,and tried to pull him off me..she will be standing there today...crying over the man who they watched punch and tried to pull him off me...shame on you, shame shame...of course they have very selective memories...and cant seem to stand up for the truth...i wonder if they would stand up for their kids and tell the truth?.i actually feel really ashamed of themt...they actually grew in my body, loved by me,wanted by me,i protected them from the others who would hurt them,all have lied to me,stolen money and just treated me a someone to be used.no loyalty at all...i think i deserve better treatment,after all isnt this the basic belief of abusers,that those closest to you, who your heart sings for, if they treat you like piece of dog shit on their shoes, what are you really worth? Abuser 101!!I am not sure why abusers want us to believe we are worthless, but its probably because we then believe that they are all we deserve...ITS JUST AS WELL I DONT BELIEVE THEM!!! If it wasnt for the fact that i know God loves me, i couldnt go on, i know this may sound like a challenge for the Enemy of our Souls!!But God wont allow that! I dont think i am special... i am a filthy rotten sinner,the only identity i have is as a Daughter of the most High,all i want and need, the Enemy has done his work well, i dont deny that, he has discovered who i love most in this world,( because obviously i love God most in this universe), assisted by Vile evil humans with their own agendas of course... Of course i grieve, i wanted to be a part of my childrens lives, and their children, but the Enemy has succeeded in spoiling that...i wish in a way that i was a wonderful soldier of God, who had actually done something so good for God, brought many souls to Him, or other wonderful healing works...but no i am just an ordinary person....maybe i should have not just prayed for my Kids safety and salvation, but actually asked God to preserve my relationships with them?..The Covenant does not specify that...and the Enemy is a legalist, so i didnt protect that area in my life...stupidly i think because i never really thought my kids would be disloyal to me!! Oh dear..maybe i shouldnt have started this today, there is a school of thought that all emotions are best out in the open, they 'should be owned'....but those same people who dont listen when these experiences are Shared!!...another day of not saying his name...

Never complain, never explain...

He was buried yesterday,(Mike) Ben and Joe wanted to go,and i also gave Sue Page a lift there as she cant drive at the moment,in the service it was announced that there would be tea and cakes at Mikes Church afterwards, so she asked if we could go, of course i couldnt really think of a reason not to although i wasnt keen!!!, we went, (i really am not going to discuss the reasons why i dont want to go there with her!) She knows obviously!.. they all do,and she even said 'Howards daughters?'when i was talking about that he had died, and i corrected myself and said'Howards Son and Daughter'. I am not talking about private family business, what is the point, they all knew Howard and it would then be the old 're-hash' of his word against mine...if they had been trusted friends in the past, i may have considered it but i almost did not going to Mikes funeral when it finally dawned on me that so many people knew, Tash had said the pastors 'wife is nice too', well that of course sparked my curiousity..the Enemies trap of course! and i said when did you meet her then,the 'Pastor' had been to visit howard in the Hospice,but i didnt expect her to go, (Although of course he was part of the church), Tash said she 'came up to us in the shop she worked in'....how would she know what Tash and Alice look like?.. God willing i am not likely to see Sue, Andre,or any of that Churches people ever again,but it did make me think how i would react if anyone ever asks me outright,'well i told you i was raped right?...and try not to get angry!! I take after the wonderful Queen i am named after,'Never complain never expalain' if they want to probe they can! feel free!!! strangely no one has!...

finding freedom, the RAPIST IS DEAD...

Howard has Died,on the 11th of June, another 7 hours and he would have died on my birthday,i have no idea who was there when he went,its radio silence at the moment...but its nothing to do with me.I am not really sure how i feel,he was really nothing to do with me anymore...I do feel free, i have always been scared that he would kill me one day, freedom! Of course he has left his 'legacy',his lies and manipulation of everyone around me has been very difficult to cope with, but with Gods help i am able to forgive, i just wish in a way that i could forget,but the memories are there, Evil has not triumphed,and God willing it never will. I wonder how i went from happiliy Married,to what happened?..,of course Mark had cheated on me,I was groomed,by Howard, i accept that now,he took advantage of a less than wordly wise innocent person.I am unable to lie about him, i wont fluff over his bad treatment,the Rape, Violence,Verbal abuse, the stalking,and trying to turn my kids against me... I wont lie, i will keep telling the truth, and i know there are many others out there,Rebekah(Becky), Haley,and the girl who was really young who he lived with for a while, and many women on the 'lodge'(staying away for work), who he had sex with, usually against their will...He still remains mine and others Rapist, alive or Dead. My life is great, it was before the Rapist died, and it will carry on being now,God is Good ALL the time! Praise Him Well its a year today....i have stopped jumping when i see guys his build, that did take a long time,And they and they constantly looking out for him when I went out that took about six months, as well.and constantly looking out for him when I went out,that took about six months, as well. A lot of people I cared about died last year,Mike the mechanic, Darren who I have missed so much, you don't realise how people get into your lives, and into your soul and spirit, and of course the monster, years ago years ago I wrote a blog spot for carewrite, I was sitting on the settee near the front door and floats we're going past for a carnival and I was looking for a title for the post and the song that was playing on one of the floats was "what's that coming over the hill,is it a monster is it a monster" of course I had to use that! All I can remember last year is going out on the 11th with Tash and to celebrate my birthday which was the 12th of June which is the 12th of June still,! And I was so grateful he didn't die on my birthday and it's only struck me today that my birthday is always going to be associated with him so it seems like if you could've chosen a day to die it will be my birthday but he still lives with his memory I can have a birthday again without it being associated with him and All I can remember last year is going out on the 11th with Tash and to celebrate my birthday which was the 12th of June which is the 12th of June still,! And I was so grateful he didn't die on my birthday and it's only struck me today that my birthday is always going to be associated with him so it seems like if He could've chosen a day to die it would be my birthday! I can never have a birthday again without it being associated with him and miserable the miserable git. and as I hate to end on a miserable note note, I have a wonderful life I hardly ever think of him which may be a kind of revenge I don't know I'm not really interested in revenge I just wish the other women out there who went to anything could have justice, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard defamation case has just ended, it's just a typical,usual case of of victim blaming, depressing very depressing.

More false friends..I give up I really do!

I have no idea what i am supposed to talk about today!..i have no strong issues which i want to talk about! yes its been a bad week in a lot of ways,but thats all going now, there a few niggles that i havent dealt with,the Lord has not shown me the answer, maybe because I havent even asked Him for help!! I loved Mike, for a long time he was a good friend,people say he had a heart of 'Gold'...i dont really see that because the Enemy used him to isolate me,by inviting Howard to Church,and to his house, which in the end made it very hard, to go to his house, i didnt stop going but it seemed that as they were all single men with a completely shocking attidude to women, all believers, but its a short step to blaming women in those age of men... Men my age think they can tell me off! Which they wouldnt do to men their age, its what used to be called male Chauvanism,any woman having an opinion is obviously a 'feminist'...(not just a free person using our God given rights!), maybe i am being unfair to them,probably Howard was saying nasty things about me...but Captain Awkward used to say that women are soon shunned from their friendship groups, even people who started as their friends when they split from abusive men.. Its sad,but i think that these people really are not worthy to be friends....and of course its dangerous when these abusers are left in the groups, with access to other women to abuse..and seen as trusted...its a disaster waiting to happen. I tried to still be friends, to keep my friends,but i knew they would never stand up for me, and believe me instead of the abusive rapist...my last conversation with Mike was sad, he was angry, he rang me to say that Fleetwood Mac was on t.v now ,ok we were watching a james bond film already,i didnt answer the phone and it went to answer phone, i rang him back a few days later, just to say thank you, and explain what we were doing,he was in a foul mood and i launched into my explanation, and he started to talk over me,i just kept talking,he didnt hear obviously, then said " i am not having a great time at the moment" and put the phone down on me!!!, he then left a voicemail a few days later saying everything all over again...it was hard to understand, and garbled and rambling...a few day later he died.. Andre rang and was 'fishing', he said 'Howard said he was Zannies dad" i laughed,and started to talk about something else,(about someone else caring for howard was getting paralytically drunk every week end, and was unreacheable when he got ill and needed a change of meds, his next of kin obviously) Andre is not a friend either...fishing for gossip, as if i would talk about my private family business with him!!. a person who only rings about every six months,after all if i could have trusted him and Mike not to be around the man who raped me,maybe i could call him a friend, they knew the truth...