Friends?

I have decided to write this post, which i may never publish...because sometimes i allow myself to get worked up about things that might happen,and they don't,there is a small possibility that today someone i know may invite Howard to a social event...where i will be,and it may be my fault because although i have told them about his violence and stalking towards me, i felt the Lord did not want certain people(Mike)to know about the solicitors advice if he approaches me...(that i should call the Police).. so i am just waiting to see what will happen.. i do have a sinking feeling though that i am going to see who my real friends are... i know i would NEVER STAY FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE WHO HAD RAPED AND BEATEN another person, let alone someone i am supposed to care about.!!
I am thinking about some ways this might go,usually i would stay away from where he may be,its ingrained in me to avoid conflict and just hide away from him, but remain furious at my "friends" for allowing this situation to occur,fade them out as much as i can,and get some better friends,(i have started to go to a new church,and have been slightly concerned he would appear there....just as he has at the last two churches i have been to).
(Of course this could be the thing that the Lord has allowed to happen, to end old friendships,so i can carry on without being held back by un-worthy friends?!!
As i have written on here before (on this blog),obsession is scary,do i let my friends be manipulated?, do i say you either choose him or me? I am not entering into the fight, its one sided,they can do exactly what they want and i wont get involved! Will i be forced to go to the Police?..I am not running away anymore! So this is out of my hands, its their choice...watch this page!!
UPDATE:
I have since found out that the very NEXT DAY Howard was there, went out to play darts with Mike and Eddie.SO MY BAD FEELING WAS RIGHT.I don't know why I have these,i know it happens with other things too,very often lately,almost every day!

Creepy week.

Well its been a creepy week since i got home, weird noises,things moving out of the corner of my eye...so last night at 12.p.m, Ben was in the other room on his settee on his laptop, i could hear him,and then i saw a black form peep round the door, there was a "leg" at he bottom of the wall,about three feet high up the wide opening where the sliding doors are into my room, and then higher up where a human head would be, just a solid black appearance,i was furious, i immediately went to rebuke it and command it to go in Jesus name,it had gone of course, they don't usually manifest near me.
Ben has seen them a few times, he call's it the "shadow man" and when he was younger he drew a picture of a solid black mass,i have seen it once from outside and was surprised when i came into the house because i thought it was Ben up early,but usually the dogs bark a welcome when he gets up, and i hadn't heard that..again it just looked like a solid black human shaped figure, with sharp defined edges.
So i will have to pray and find out how these things have the right to be in my house, the Enemy is very territorial, and cant come in unless it has the legal right which means that i have made a mistake somewhere, and given them the legal right.., i missed the full moon last week, and was actually away at the caravan,i didn't do spraying the boundaries, but i thought i had covered it by reading the book of Nahum in the house few days ago ,but was a bit puzzled because i didn't feel anything go, or the fury of the Enemies servants because they have to leave!

Joanna's fund raising

So i am back home after we had a few days at the caravan,an i had a cold too which has caused me to have asthma,i felt better as soon as i was home, well that night anyway,the neighbours where outside until about 2.am and i woke in a panic at 1.30 a.m smelling smoke and ran down stairs to find out what it was, i am not sure if the smoke alarms are working! just to find out they had a fire next door, one of those fire pit things!
I was doing really well with my Bible reading and was feeling closer to God, but that went out of the window a bit when i was away,I was shocked when i got out of bed on Friday night after the false alarm that i wasn't breathless after going upstairs!.I came back on Friday so i could take Tash and Daisy and the girls to Brian and Helen's daughters event to raise money for motor neuron disease, but i didn't make it, Daisy hadn't slept for a few nights,so we didn't go, i wasn't really up to going either

Not a fight.

The Enemy has been trying to have a "go" at me through my family in the last few days,it did upset me for a few minutes, but not any longer than that! (it is a photo of Howard with Max at His ex wife's house where his son was with his and Rebekah's REAL Grand-daughter who was visiting from China, obviously it was him having Max there, his fake,"first Grandchild" which he tells everyone at the church!)
He knows this has ruined my relationship with my Daughter,and i could cause a lot of trouble for him by telling his son and Rebekah the lies he is telling about being Zannie's "Dad", and MAX's Grandfather!!...But i wont,how other people choose to behave is between them and God,but i don't have to join in! Most of all i am responsible to God for how i behave,its not a fight if its only one sided!! he can just get on with it! it only affected me for a few minutes, the rest of the 99.9% of the time i never give him or Jon a second thought, sad sad men!!
Its going to be really hot today! but its great that i have air conditioning in the new car, so it's not too hot for the dogs!!

Small talk

Well no one has read the last post!! its been there a few days,i still cant read it, its far too personal so i don't know why i was supposed to put it on here... i have been trying harder to read the bible the last few days and i do feel better!i went to the Gospel choir on Wednesday and although i didn't sing because they were doing a concert, and i had to be at the dentist before the end, it was still nice to go and hear their wonderful singing,they did a wonderful Version of i "don't know how to love him," from, and "you'll never walk alone", it was really inspiring.i had a lovely meal at my favourite Italian Restuarant,but what stood out to me most was when was trying to rush away that two women a bit younger than me shared some personal stuff in their life, and later i really felt that the Lord had wanted them to me to be there for these two ladies,one shared about how she never had been able to have children, and had been born again but had drifted away,so i encouraged her to go back to fellowship,and the other was working in a shop where she was under pressure as she was the only one working,she was dealing with a customer who would take a while to help , so i said i would return later, and when i did i said 'its a lot less busy now',just small talk really, but when i left she said goodbye,in a way as if she had really been touched by me just taking to her....i have noticed this before that people really open up to me,and can sometimes tell me some very personal stuff, i DON'T think it is my wonderful personality, or anything i have done AT ALL! but i think it must be the Lord in me! even that seems to me as i read it back really prideful!! oh dear....but the main thing i was trying very badly to express is that i felt that i was in the right place at the right time...

Inside my abusers mind, part 2 2011.

A guy called Eddie who i knew years ago and was in Prison for violence,( he had a Personality disorder, so could not really help himself ) was writing to me,and Mike,and he gave me some reasons from a mans perspective why Howard was stalking me,
Eddie said men consider Sexual attraction,or the SEX ACT as LOVE,
SO; He (Howard) felt loved by me seeking him out for Sex, he even said "i have never been treated "loved like this"
Eddie says "Predators who groom their victims for their own gratification- all is one sided, it what HE WANTS, NO-ONE ELSE MATTERS.
Eddies carried on:
"The least i could do for my victims was to move away, so they did not have to face me,maybe on the street" his opinion was if Howard was even a bit sorry, he would leave town.

He denies everything, JUST TO RUB MY NOSE IN IT
Its fun for him....he enjoys my fear reaction, he sees that he can still control me...and affect me!!
Howard would say to me that he " would encourage me to go out an achieve things, actual word he used was "let me"!! that's good of him!! 'allowing me' to be a human being!! (Implying that i need his permission)
He didn't stand up for me, even to those others he cared about..Its normal human behaviour to stand up for those you love, that's how normal people behave in relationships...so logically when he says nasty bad stuff about me, with his mother, at her house when my kids are there?....And the rest of the time when he puts me down in front of the children, its back to.."

HE WANTS TO HURT ME AT ALL TIMES, A revelation to me!!

Normal people in relationships defend those they care about and do not put down or bitch about them,so when he does not defend me? ...it means he does not LOVE OR CARE ABOUT ME!! How would i want him to react to:
His mum being nasty about me, at her house in front of my children?..
by saying?
" please don't put her down, ever and especially not in front of her children, she is the woman i love, and i wont tolerate you speaking like that" ( although to be perfectly honest, when all this was happening, i found everything he did annoying! which was wrong of me but i was living with Put downs,snide remarks, fear of violence, losing his temper,
IF I HAD KNOWN ABOUT,
1. the the nasty comments at his mums,
2. Nasty comments about me on the way to his mums,(to my kids about me)
3. the swearing at his mums by her.(again if front of my kids)
4. the violence done to Ben and Joe, ( he dropped the bike with Joe on it when they ere fighting about who was going to ride it) Tash did not tell me about this until i had kicked him out...if i had know about this when it was happening...what would i have done?
Just for the violence to the kids I WOULD HAVE MADE HIM LEAVE. IMMEDIATELY,and then told the police what he had done to them.

So WHAT IS LOVE?
Is it wanting the other spouse to be un-happy all the time? OR;
Teasing
Mocking
Hitting
Strangling?....
HE DOES NOT LOVE ME
Because;
LOVE is;
Encouragment
building up self esteem
wanting the best for
proud of,
care for welfare of,

TALK IS CHEAP, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS
Its not what he said that shows Love,but how how i was TREATED. I punched the kids baby doll saying i love you at the same time, i felt like that doll....i felt i had the word "victim" tattooed on my forehead.......I lost my identity, i lost ME,i lost the will to fight, a DANGEROUS TIME.. Its the black pit...sinking sinking sinking...
I had a decision to make, which way to go?.. so desperate....i was so distressed he called the ambulance because he thought i was having an asthma attack...HE COULDNT POSSIBLY BE RESPONSIBLE OF COURSE!!, so it must be something else!! I had used all my resources, all my reserves, i was gone, an empty shell...was walking round unable to feel anything...so.
Anti depressants;
Which kept me on a bearable level, the ONLY WAY I COULD STAY WITH HIM!
While all this was going on with me he was;
Sneaking off to large shopping centre, spending large amounts of money, meant for kids food on music c.d's,He was refusing to work and we were living on benefits, (welfare), with five kids at home and he had another three he was supposed to be supporting.
He was only washing and showering when he went to see the baby he had with Hayley, Bobby, even though i clearly said it hurt my feelings when he only bathed to see her.
Talking to Frank about personal stuff,(Pastor of the church,told him i wouldn't submit to him)!!I DID NOTHING BUT SUBMIT TO HIM, IT WAS TOO DANGEROUS NOT TOO!!!. Frank told him to take control of the family finances, although he had no experience of budgeting for a family.Which was spent on the music c.d's

SCHOOL INCIDENT
Just before i was going to pick up the kids from school, he threatened to cut my face off With his wall-papering Scissors (while holding my neck in an arm lock, with the Scissor's an inch from my face... i went to the school so upset and SCARED,i could not speak..he followed me all the way asking over and over for forgiveness,and all the way back, over a mile walking, (this was not long after an incident when i was so scared i could not speak to him,while driving,he was so angry with me for being silent he grabbed me around the neck,and tried to strangle me, i had kids in the back and was driving over a bridge with a very fast deep river underneath). When i got back from school,I rang Frank (church leader)who had been counselling us, and told him what He had done,which he had insisted i did, after claiming Howard would never hit me again, he asked me what i had done to provoke him!!!.. Frank then insisted i go to that evenings meeting,with all the five kids. I made Howard leave not long after that, and left that sad excuse for a "church".
So; 2011. HE IS STALKING ME, ON AND OFF FOR YEARS.
So, how do i face the fact that i am being STALKED by man who REALLY HATES ME?....it really scares me,i lock myself in the house for months,until i get so angry after repeated complaints to the Police, and a solicitors letter,which he ignores.(Later in 2012 I go to a women's aid solicitor, who does help,she informs the Police,who now when ever my name comes up has his pops up too!He will be arrested if he talks to me again. This costs me a lot of money,£500, which was part of the money that my Mum had left me, if its not for that i would still be scared.


SO... i take control for myself,and by removing myself from the situation. (from church,from mikes house, from Zannies house), ALTHOUGH HE IS STRONGER AND MORE CUNNING THAN ME, HE WILL GO TO ANY EXTENT TO PROVE HIS POINT.
I DON'T LIKE HIM:
DON'T LOVE HIM
DON'T DESIRE HIM...I HAVE NO INTEREST AT ALL IN HIM... he has lost all his power!!!

So why does he stalk me, when he doesn't like, love or desire me? ..Why does he go to my daughter Zan's house,my new church, Mikes house, supermarket cafe, when he's been told i am going to be there,To Cricieth (for his baptism). In fact for months he is everywhere i go.
I have not spoken ONE word to him for 16 months,or given him any encouragment, (this was 2011) Yet i have seen him more in that 16 months than in the last 6 years! following me,and 'accidently on purpose' being wherever i was going or going to be.He had inveigled himself into the lives of everyone who knew me,to try to force me into getting back with him.
Since i divorced him in 2006, he goes to Church, my daughters Zannies house, Mikes, Cricieth,IN fact everywhere i go. He lies to Zannie, says he does not try to talk to me, on June 1st 2011 (the day my grandson Max came out of hospital) he tried to talk to me THAT VERY NIGHT!! (This was the year he tried to say that he was Zannie's biological father,he got drunk on new years eve,2010 and let the "secret" slip! I suppose this was because i had stopped going to Zannie's house because i never knew when he would be there, i would see her at mine or somewhere else, and so he couldn't accidently bump into me there!)

At the time the excellent Terry Loving said this to me, about the situation," as regards you ex husband,sounds like that although he is your Ex, he is still trying to control your life, in some way.He is in the ear of those who can be manipulated to make you feel guilty for not taking him back. Reconciliation without true repentance and real change is very dangerous,and these changes do not happen because an offender gets baptized,or teaches a class or gets others to say he has changed".(i have since found out that this is called "triangulation", getting other people to manipulate you to do something.i.e take them back,plead their case,find out information about my life, to be used against me if attempts to re-unite don't work)


So that's my story!!!,humiliating, sordid,sickening story,I didn't want to write it, or remember it.but its done now,Terry said recently that i" write my feeling which most people don't", but i really didn't share much of my feelings except about the School incident, i wrote down the bare facts, clinically,because looking back from my perspective now i want to scream at the younger me " RUN RUN RUN"..DON'T BELIEVE HIM,he doesn't love you or anyone but himself..
Men or women who enjoy inflicting pain are still God's children, they are sinners just like the rest of us,and i don't have a choice about forgiveness, because i am a sinner, who has been forgiven.I have forgiven Howard, and Jon. Its not been easy!!, i sometimes still struggle even today, but i know the LORD, does not want me held back by what sin others have chosen to do to me!...Its their problem not mine, they have to face God on Judgement day! i can honestly say that it is as if it happened to another person. I know He has preserved my life so that i can go out and preach the Gospel,to tell others my story, and show them what an AWESOME AMAZING God we have!
He saved me on the Cross and He saved me from dying by Howard or Jon's hand.I am exactly where i am supposed to be in His plans for me, and i suppose it should give me some sort of satisfaction that Both Howard an Jon are not prospering in Life, Jon refuses to work and lives off his Girlfriend who has to work as Cleaner to support them,Howard also has menial job, as cleaner,and both of them have kids who intensely dislike them, and no friends. It not satisfying,i really don't care less either way!( of course i feel sorry for the kids that they don have better fathers), but the opposite of Love is not hate its indifference, and that's what i feel about those two.
GOD IS GOOD!!, ALL THE TIME, HALLELUJAH!

An empty insecure shell.

I haven't really got time to post anything on here today, but I feel I should come on here, strange!! as usual I don't feel I have anything to share but the Lord always gives me something as long as I am obedient! I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself in the last few weeks, even doubting my sanity sometimes, and been quite anxious, and I am hesitating to share this, but as the enemy has done this he already knows anyway!!but instead of wondering why I have felt so insecure and uncertain, not sleeping and getting annoyed about silly things, which were easily sorted out by just speaking to the person involved, i have been giving the victory to the Enemy, instead of to the LORD!!
My mental and physical state recently has just shown me how much of my Identity is in Him, I am just an empty, insecure shell without reading my Bible every day, I am not good at praying, so I Must ask God, the Holy Spirit to help me with that, but I do know that when I bother to read the Bible, it blesses me every time.
I have been blessed by it today, by reading the things that Paul went through, beatings, shipwrecks, in the sea for a day and a half, and countless other stuff, it makes me ashamed to even feel sorry for myself!