“ i remember you towering over me blocking the door”

This was said by Grace Tame, about her Rapist, Maths teacher, Nicolaas Bester....i have been researching Adult Grooming, because one of the things that the Sexual Abuse Counsellor told me was that i had been Raped and Groomed,it took a long time to believe i was Raped,and really today is the first day i believe i was Groomed...i felt sick, like vomiting...just like Graces Dad did when he found out what Nicolaas Bester did... In 2012, i was determined not to be driven out of the Church i had been going to for 15 years, which Mike had invited him to, and of course now i see that Mike was manipulated into doing that too. Howard was at the stage then, begining in 2010,of going to places he knew where i would be...and presumably wait for me to 'fall into his arms!!'..bearing in mind it had been 15 years since we were together,and two years since i had even spoken to him, i was recovering from a broken ankle, and he said, coming out of my daughters house..!!.." i hear you havent been very well"and i replied very angrily,through gritted teeth" I AM FINE ,LEAVE ME ALONE" then kept on walking away... I suppose in twisted Abuser language that was code for ",i really love you following me, its not scary at all, and i think you are justified in everthing you do, wonderful, good looking Howard..." and please keep following me until you physically cant walk.. I was in the same Church, and was quite willing to co-exist with him as long as he left me alone..so i ignored him,but not in a mean humiliating way, because i really dont want to hurt anyones feelings...no one else would have noticed... There was some kind of celebration after the evening service with food, and i went to leave by the main entrance, he was there, ostensively in the queue for food...he was blocking the way, so i would have had to speak to him to ask him to move...which i wasnt willing to do, i pushed past him, which i expect he hoped other people would see,and prove i was "the bad one"!!!I was so annoyed i went straight back in! . I have stupidly always regarded Howard, as thick,and stupid, but he's not he's cunning,then i thought he was just someone who didnt understand how to behave, and was pushing himself forward,becuse he was so 'passionate...' and really was just an overgrown boy who didnt mean to hurt anyone...!!!' What he was was Scary, he had admitted to me he knew when he could be intimidating...and the woman we were speaking too later said he was intimidating to her.so it proved to me he could turn it on and off...she was a notorious bully herself, and i had gone to her to try to sort out a problem between our adult kids,..surprisingly she didnt get 'into it with me.', i was thinking how well i was getting across to her!!!, with Howard standing right next to me....he then went back to the car, "because i didnt want to intimidate her" he said So he blocked me,a 54 year old woman, in the same way that Nicolaas Bester blocked Grace,( its disappointing really, i was hoping that things might have changed..but no), in the same year as I ,am being blocked, so is Grace, at just 15... The solicitor put in the letter to him about "blocking me",and i remember later trying to work out the height difference between us and whether his view of me was blocked at 5'3 inches, and him at 6'2",no his view wasnt blocked,by the people next to him... he knew i was there, and did it delibrately... The Solicitors letter says"28 november 2012, "You have sought to approach her and Communicate with her in Church, and you have also block her free movement within the Church, for example by blocking doorways", and" we have advised her her that there is a fine line between carrying out ones everyday activities, and using those activities as a smoke screen to pursue a course of harassment against another person and we advised her to be extremely vigilant in ensuring this line is not crossed by you".. I was just thinking of going through all my reactions to this blog entry and times i told him, " no i dont want to be with you, leave me alone" with a " fine tooth comb" and i am even looking at the Solicitors letter now to see if she has told him to leave me alone.in so many words..i am still trying to justify, explain, and really put the guilt on me,for his actions! He knew i didnt want him in my life..but abusers see our opinions as not valid..we are not allowed to say no... A 15 year old vulnerable child was not allowed to say no,in fact she was blamed,he boasted and said he was the envy of other men out there.because he had " sex" with her..but i look at how beautiful Grace is,she is way out of his league,even when he was young he wasnt handsome, or even attractive...abuse is the only way for them to get a '10'...if he walked past another woman just as attractive as Grace, she wouldnt give him a second look,now, or even when he was young...predators are sick human beings,now i have to go and have a shower because i feel dirty even talking about them...

Crazier...

Oh dear...i dont know whats the matter with me! I gone from hiding in my messy house to cleaning....i actually cleaned a Window today and other stuff!..the husky likeS to sit on the Window sill and watch outside, we live by a fairly busy road,and there are lots of dogs going past! I have shared on facebook twice already today....and i invited my Daughter around for mothers day gift giving and the house was a mess...but better than it was before! Its God, when i turned to him, he has made me a bit braver...one thing as abuse Victims that we are told is that we cant have our own opinions,Howard had said to someone that when i had got up petition to stop double yellow lines being put outside, that it was " going to my head having a car"not that i was trying to make it safe for my children.... Obviously i didnt have a right to Have a Voice...he once said he didnt need to listen to me because he always knew what i was going to say...dehumanising.i sort of hope he hasnt lost his Voice where he is at this minute in the Hospice...although it would be Just... In the Movie the "Kings Speech" the Kings shouts "i have a voice", "Of course you do "says Lionel Loague....the speech therapist I am not a King, or even a Queen!(who knows these days) but i am the Daughter of the King of Kings,and Lord of Lords... AND I HAVE A VOICE! and whether anyone likes it or not, they will be hearing it!

Crazy times at our house!

A Noise in the kitchen, no ones in there,a noise like glass breaking,i asked Ben what the noise was, i was thinking he had dropped something, he has some Nunchucks which it sounded like...NO he says sounding like he was lying, so i went to investigate, a box full of broken glass was lying on its side, with large chunks of broken glass strewn around...no one was near the kitchen,it was a large cardboard box, at least a foot and half tall,heavy with broken glass and china.....it was the Enemy of course, trying to drive me Crazy, but of course it did the opposite if what was intended, by them anyway as i got so Angry that the Enemy dares to do this to us that i have gone into SPIRITUAL warfare mode, which is exactly what the Lord wanted, as He knows me well..i am a lazy person, but like any Parent i will fight to protect my family and my home( which is actually Gods anyway! Praise HIM

My BRILLIANT writing, I wish it was!

Wow! How much do i wish it was mine? a lot but i must give the GLORY TO THE One it was!...God has blessed me with some abilities... degree level English, and 11 year old maths ability! But they were given to me, i hope to further His Kingdom,by hopefully showing that with His help we can get over anything... Yes i was Raped, beaten,lied about,and was brought as low as any Human ever was, but i have bounced back,because of Him...A psychiatric doctor i once spoke to was amazed that i could even function without Medicine after i told him about a few of the things i have had which happened to me...i am not a Survivor, God has made me Victorius over those things, which were done by pathetic humans like me after all!...i am able to go to Joes Dad and ask him for help with our Son,because miraculously i have NO PROBLEM with him...i was angry, for years,of course he doesnt deserve to be forgiven, no one does, i certainly dont! God is GOOD, all the time, if anyone ever reads this, please turn to Jesus, He can change you, your past, and give you a wonderful future, a wonderful life, He has done it for me, and i am nothing special...

More precious than rubies

Thats me! and every other Wife, i loved my husbands like they were pure Gold,they were so precious to me,i respected them , i put them first before me, and thanked God for them often, i gave them their right to be the protector of the house, and i know without the slightest doubt that this is true, i saw them as Christ to me, because that is what God requires of me! The "Bible tells me so"! I wanted to look up to my Husband as my protector, and did that, it was not given unwillingly, I respected them... PROVERBS 3.15 KING JAMES VERSION " She is more precious than Rubies:and all the things thou canst desire are not to be compared to Her" Strong words! I Am so happy to know thats how God sees Women, before and when they become Wives,so all the people that say the Bible is anti women are wrong,i love to see the way a Dad protects his daughter, i was watching the movie taken yesterday, not the whole thing because it was too violent, but clips. The begining with the famous "i will find you"speech, and at the end when he rescues his daughter , who has been kidnapped and abused, he is holding a gun, and the man about to Rape her, has a knife to her throat, i know that at that moment her father is the only man she trusts,all girls want their Dads to save them. I saw a Dad interviewed who had seen someone kidnap his daughter,and pulled into a car, just an ordinary man, not famous...he ran over gardens , through fences, and got to the car, and pulled her out! An amazing man! Yes! of course he was,but he was just a Dad. My Heavenly Father is better than that Dad,stronger, more Powerful,He gave that ordinary Dad that protective instinct, it all comes From Him! In this world at the moment it is a confusing time, women are being not respected, we have to go into changing rooms where men are,so we dont go into them, a womans only choice for bathrooms/toilets are multi sex/gender, so women go to a small toilet and queue for a long time to feel safe,in a building across a road. A gym i used to go to had womens showers, separate from the mens, but only with a curtain separating them...they were never used...

Darren.

God bless him, and i know he is being blessed where he is now, he is not in any pain,there is no Aspergers,he is in a perfect place , there are no unkind people staring at him because he is fat, he is not Fat anymore, i miss him, i still cry every time i think of him, he was my friend, he annoyed me, infuriated me, and spent long periods not wanting to answer the phone to me! Which was what infuriated me...and hurt my feelings a lot! I Felt i deserved better treatment as his friend! But who am i to demand anything from anyone?..in a lot of ways Darren was much more loyal to me than my own flesh and blood....actually treated me better most of the time....he is gone, but i will see him again, hes having a great time,who am i to want to take him away from his Saviour,and bring him back to this world, but most of all i am blessed to have known him. Thank you Lord for Darrens life, and the small part of it that i was able to share in.Praise you Lord, Amen

Rape , part 2.no more fear.

Becky, I can’t work out where I got to with the last post, as it’s obviously not designed for iPads, it would be easier to look on a laptop..,  I think I spoke about last time( in part one) was when he came round and Mark went to bed early, the  the shocking and awful experience, I didn’t talk to him afterwards...

I couldn’t see him as my friend anymore, seeing him in that moment changed my opinion of him as a good guy forever...i didnt know what you had been through with him,"you said once "you know what i have been through ith him" i didnt, i dont know even now, I became scared of him,the person who was a trusted friend had gone... i felt i grew up in that moment, i became an object not human being, just a sum of my body parts.. ifelt dehumanised.. scared of him, he thought we were in some kind of relationship, and that has never changed...just a kiss and Cuddle became a life sentence for me... He still came round! and with Mike, He once came round with Jeremy, and then they would leave and he would stay....expecting me to be nice to him!! he even brought your kids round when Mark was there.   I was supposed to sit across the room from him!!  but I’m not reacting anyway, I’m not sure when the second time happened, but from calculating when she was born that it must’ve been March or April.

I don’t even remember it because it happened more than once more than twice, so we moved here. . So you’re probably wondering is this story true? me being attacked by him sexually, to be honest I don’t know why I didn’t think of it as rape...I just thought because I had been with him before, albeit unwillingly it was just something that I had to put up with.

Years later in 2010,he started following me around again,i suppose someone could call that my fault because i had tried to make a relationship work with him a few times...maybe he saw it as easy to change my mind if he persisted enough.. He went to Zans,my friends, the church I went to, he had become the crazy stalker, I was so scared,so upset and depressed, and in 2012 I can't go out of my house without "bumping" into him,... seeing riding past, seeing him riding past Nathan‘s office,literally every time I go out,of the 10 times I went out of the house he is around seven times..

  I went to the Police about him following me,watching me,that was when I spoke to sexual abuse counsellor on the phone because I was so deeply, traumatised and upset about him following me, she helped me to understand what is is, what it was that what he had done,the name RAPE.. I went to the Police they couldn’t do anything after all those years I think it was 26 years at the time or 28 years, but they said "if he carries on stalking you come back and we’ll do something about it, so I went back...more excuses not to help, all i really wanted them to do was speak to him and ask him to leave me alone,because i knew it would stop him, because he was frightened of them..but it was too much trouble for them..as a disabled woman i wasnt important enough.. i hope the world has changed since then, but i doubt it. Ben spoke to Officer Sue at youth club, Sue came round the next day and said if "he bothers you again I will talk to my sergeant about it and will go and visit him,and will get a warning to leave you alone", and that’s all I wanted. so in the end when I reported it again officer Sue had been moved on and the new sergeant knew nothing about it, so they sent two part time officers, thats al these years of harrasment waranted!PsO'S!! In the end that Officer ended up being the most helpful!!,the male Officer told me about his friend whose wife didnt want him around anymore, and with far less provocation than i had stupidly endured,she got a solicitor to say that he was acting like a stalker ,and it had worked!, please bear in mind i had been to a Solicitor in 2010,and had nothing to do withhim for several years,and had a letter sent to him which had no effect,SAYING I WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM, after he had tried to talk to me at Zans house, after me making it clear many many times that i wanted nothing more to do with him.. What am i supposed to do, i didnt want him around me, i was scared of him,he was intimidating and threatening, why wouldnt he take my no to mean NO? the communit officers, PcSo,said to try again with a solicitor so I went to a wonderful one in a town about 20 miles away and she sent him a firm letter saying I didn’t want this harassment this was two years after the previous letter which Sarah was upset about it At Zans wedding part this one;had an accompanying letter that went to the West Mercia police and if my name ever pops up on their records his name will pop up too, that’s how much store they put by that because they obviously know and realise that stalkers can be dangerous, I have lived in fear of him for years, but more, so much more scared since the stalking started and that’s been over 22 years with the worst part of the stalking being him going to Zans house,and saying all the lies about him being their Dad,i had no idea he was, and i supppose thats why my own daughter call me a liar...of course today its so easy to get a test, its wasnt so easy in the 1980s.and let me say agin that Mark knew there was a chance,he could have got someone pregnant if he had cheated with a woman, but he cheated on me first with a Man. When we had results, they were too scared to tell him (my two girls) asked me to ring him and he was flabbergasted, he was shocked , it told me he never believed for one moment thought it could possibly be true and it had been another way for him to wind up me, 10 years of this has been hanging over me why the heck didn’Didnt he get all those years ago if he really thought it was true? because he didn’t think it was true!!!.. I don’t deserve to be treated like this by you or any other human being, I didn’t initiate this I didn’t want this this,it happened, against my will, and it still happening against my will.. I’m the one branded a Liar my oldest daughter  she lives in a world where DnA tests are done really quickly and really cheaply1980s do you think for one moment I really believe that She was his?? As I’ve said marks known about this all the way along and I suppose if one day someone decides to tell him that’s up to them. It won’t affect me in any way, Mark is genuinely a good guy, the best man and the best Dad,if someone has the conscience to tell him and he goes over the edge,and kills himself that will be on their conscience,he is mentally unstable, its not fair to burden him with that, but it if its worth taking that chance to someone, to get their revenge on me, please go ahead, i know Howard stood in front of him and couldnt tell him. Of course i suppose there will be people who think i am lying about this to protect myself...i am an honest person, i dont lie, i am a born again Christian, truth is important to me...Mark wanted to have Howards ADRESS WHEN STARTED this IN 2010,he said "why" is he bringing all this up after all these years?" he knew it wasnt because he wanted the "truth, it was just part of Howards sick plan to get me ' back", in a 'relationship' with him,yes we did get together, yes i gave him many many chances to prove he had changed,but it never lasted long...Didnt you divorce him yourself?..i think i gave him more chances than you did, more fool me!. I am an innocent person, if someone seems different, i beleive they are,he kept saying he was!!"changed",but its was an act,he was obbsessed with me, not fun,SCARY... so i gave him another chance, but then he was taking my kids to his Mums and she was being NASTY ABOUT ME IN FROM OF MY KIDS AND HE WAS TOO..hE SEEMED TO ACTUALLY HATE ME WHEN HE WAS WITH ME AND THEN IDEALIZE ME WHEN I MADE HIM LEAVE, A TERRIFYING THING TO BE ON THE OTHER END OF... Howard has gone into hospice, I’ve just been told he’s deteriorated in the last week I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.. I personally have no feelings of revenge on malice or anything to Howard I was told by my Daughter,and his bio kid,one of at least four, so far, but he has told me of many more women when he was working on the " lodge" in Wales,more women, one who was just opening a window for him,a woman who he thought wanted it'' he pulled her down on the ground...i really do hope she wanted it, but from my own experience i am not sure... I was unfortunate that he behaves the way he does, that’s his choice I don’t want any bad things to happen to any animal or person on this planet I don’t wish any evil on him, but I wouldn’t wish that on anybody, but I don’t have to fear every time I go out the door,I dont HAVE to think hes going to kill me one day,all the time. My children don’t know this, they don’t know I’m afraid I will be killed by him oneday..Stalkers kill... its in the news every day...

dark days, doing the enemies work for him....

Its a bad day today,i am feeling so alone, and hard done by, a 'pity' party as the americans say,i feel like i suspect most Rape victims feel that however much i tell the truth, i am not believed, my own children except for Ben dont believe me......i am feeeling pretty suicidal....i dont even really feel angry at the stalker, and i am not able to name him today,i feel he does not deserve humanising, because although stalker is close to death, in a few weeks, and yes he did this to me, i am not able to forgive him today.....absolutely awful i know, God DOES NOT WANT THAT!,BUT TODAY THAT IS AS MUCH AS I CAN DO...God SEES ALL AND I KNOW He UNDERSTANDS ME ENOUGH TO KNOW I WILL SAY SORRY FOR THAT...SO TODAY I DESPISE the STALKER.....because of choices that the stalker made i have been stripped of all the relationships i cherish in my life...i wish i knew if it was done delibrately...but i think it was just stalkers selfish needs which mattered most....his opinion that i dont get to make choices about MY life, that i dared to break away from him... Do i believe the stalker is evil? i dont know, but whatever i believe it doesnt change what has happened..i dont really care about the stalker, as i have always said the stalker is just an irritating bug that sometimes comes to memory for a few seconds and is gone just as fast... So how am i guilty too?...what could i have done? i suppose i should have made a fuss and told people...but i did tell those close to me...i didnt go to the Police then, but when i went years later it didnt do any good anyway..it changed nothing..i feel the same as i did in 2012, when i was too scared to go out of the house...i felt haunted by the stalker...i was haunted..but when i told people it didnt make one bit of difference..old friends who knew me as i hope an honest person didnt want to get involved.... Maybe its my fault because I am too innocent? , we are told as kids, to always tell the truth.i am not a good liar..really cant lie..I am not clever enough..if i reacted with anger, i am called CRAZY,so whatever i do and say its really no good, i am just a 'liar' as my daughter has said directly to me, and the other daughter has said she believes me, but i have proof she doesnt behind my back...i dont know if i am strong enough to stand up and fight this again, i feel i cant hold my head up around anyone, and i am walking around with Liar tatooed on my forehead... i suppose i will feel better tomorrow,if i dont no one will know...or even really care..except Ben,today i choose life because of him,i choose to do the best i can for him...like many other times i wanted to die, and if it hadnt been for my kids i would have...the cowards way out...i didnt care, i just want the pain to stop... " Mum falls out with more people more than most people do" say my daughter, i thought was supportive of me....i can honestly say i cant remember an instance when i fell out with anyone who wasnt abusive to me..now i sound like a narcisist!...the most recent 'falling out' wasnt even that! over a year ago i was told i was stepping down from my role in the Christan Motorcyclists, by someone i thought valued me, my friend who i had stayed in the organisation to support...i didnt argue,i didnt complain, i just left at the first oppurtunity..... Citing the fact that the person who looked after Ben for me, so i could go to meetings, had moved away...of course i was hurt,but i havent told anyone that...so it comes down to really feeling bad today, as most women do who have been stalked, beaten, and raped do on a lot of days, that nobody REALLY has 'our back',that the Abuser will always win, despite anything we can do. i dont know how unbelievers deal with it, hopefully they have support, good friends who know they dont lie, i dont have that,but i do have Someone better,God sees all,He knows the truth.