Tuesday, 28 April 2020

Lockdown lessons,learning to Trust

Well here we are in lockdown, a partial one for now anyway,people are finding it really hard being with their families 24 hours a day, Tash says her dog has never had so many walks!!
I am trying to be a positive person, and to do that i have to stay away from media, i.e the news! There seems to just be the one thing in the news!!!
Of course that sounds really callous as there is so much suffering,but i cant think about that, because to me i know my life is in HIS hands, and not one bit of worrying will make any difference anyway!!
I spoke to someone yesterday who said ‘a lot of christians are scared ‘ as if that is a bad thing!!! That’s quite a harsh thing to say really, but that’s maybe how i feel now, i have worked through this and know my life is in Gods hands, H e decides when i live and die, not a vicious plan of the Enemy of my soul!
God has given so many people Psalm 91. Which helps and encourages me.
I am very alarmed that 16 women died in the first three weeks and 2 children,they are literally trapped in their houses with Monsters..its really worrying, but i expect they wont be counted in the daily count of people who have died from this Vile illness,but of course it didnt kill them, a human being made that choice, and God mourns with their families, the Parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, neighbours who have heard this happen.
I wonder about people I haven’t heard from, like the lovely dear Lady who runs the site, “Spiritual side of domestic Violence.
Maybe the only good thing to come out of this is that people have time to check on others, the Lady from my local church, who runs the coffe morning on tuesday faithfully rings all the people who attend every tuesday, at the time they would be there. The church i go to has been closed and not by the Government, and the Vicar is not allowed to cross the threshold..by order of the Church of England...not right at all,  my school friend Ruth asked her Father why all the butchers shops are open and churches are’nt...it doesn’t make sense?
We are not being all things to all men,this church was really a community hub..i wonder what will happen when lockdown is over?

Friday, 21 February 2020

Artemisia,Tassio and Jay

Artemesia was a very famous painter in mediaeval times,fearlessly which was unusual enough,she painted women very well,usually suffering women, a lot who were suffering at the hands of men, the hands of the men they trusted, and who should have protected them,
Jay was a young 20 year old marine just hanging aroundd a beach in his time off work, a beautiful specimen of manhood, who looked younger than his age, he says about 15,.both were eager and anxious to succeed in life and both came across the most vile,manipulative predators, ..
Unusually the woman got justice of a kind for her attack, Jay escaped, unknowingly for thirty years until he was researching on the internet, he found the Gay man who he spent the afternoon with, he he was entranced by, a man with no redeeeming features, described really as a troll in looks,many other young marines were not as lucky as Jay, he murderd them after drugging, and torturing them while they were still alive...
Artemisia was a young woman the only female in a family of males who was trained to paint by her father,who was also a painter,a friend of the family Tasso,then Raped her , and she took him to court.he did not let Tassis actions define her life,she went on to be successful and one of the major painters after Carravaggio.
I wondered why women stay with their abusers, before i became a battered woman myself, those outside cannot understand why successful women, intelligent women stay after the first punch, what sort of hold do these men have,to me its encapsulated in Jay Roberts story,’the Evil ‘which is just so attractive,promoting trust in the targets,.
If Evil shows its true face, without all the charm and manipulation, who would fall for it?


Well its just as well no one took me up on that bet, as he didnt turn up!!! But it didnt stop the whole thing from being ruined for me! But he would have known that because he knows me well!..
I have been developing some hobbies,houseplants is the main one, i have a very large Swiss cheese plant, monstera deliciousa, which I take outside every year for the summer, but it really is too big now, the leaves get damaged every time i bring it in or take it out!,but i spend a lot of time looking at this plant.it was a cutting off a plant my Mum had so it means a lot to me, also i grew it from a small piece of her old plant which was dying.
I have been sorting the house out as well which although a slow process is very cathartic,i hate throwing things away(my children would say i am a borderline hoarder) but it really does look better, my dining table has been a dumping ground for so long, Tash my daughter says we have all been really affected by the Girls being taken away, its upset all of my family,i feel as if i have been “stuck” as if time stopped.we all do.
The enemy has been trying to destroy my family, but he wont succeed, because the Lord is in charge of me and my families life , not the enemy!.It says in the Bible that God restores the years the locusts have eaten, not sure where in the Bible, but i am holding onto the promise of my Master, not the father of lies.
God is good...ALL THE TIME!

Friday, 20 December 2019


‘With or with out you’
It a song..just a song......by U2, the Irish Rock band, and Howard,my Violent , stalking Rapist Ex decided years ago it was’ Our Song’.its typical abuser speak with the line 
‘You give yourself away’......it’s sad and I haven’t thought about it for years, except it came on a t.v. Programme i just had on in the background while i was doing a puzzle on my IPad Pro, it was such unusual thing to happen and it brought back a lot of the past which I usually avoid..so it was weird, but afterwards i felt, a few ‘shots of love’from the Lord,because tommorow is my first child Nathans Wedding, and Howard is going to be there...yes i know its unbelievable,, i have spoken to Solicitors. Nothing can be done.
As usual women are let down by the Law which should protect them from this sort of thing,and bad people get to do exactly what they want, I don’t have the right to choose. because i am a woman....i cant choose not to be around a dangerous man, my Rapist,who has stalked me for nearly 30 years, because i cant NOT go to my Own Sons Wedding.
It is Unjust, it is unfair...and its just unbelievable.Howard does not like special occasions like this, he would usually avoid them,and he has terminal Cancer, but he said he would come ‘as long as it doesn’t clash with his Chemotherapy’.
I would be prepared to bet £100 that if he can crawl he will be there...

Thursday, 26 September 2019

Free human being, Not a Victim

I am not a ‘victim’, and I refuse to call myself one, I am not a ‘survivor’either (and won’t call myself one any more), I am  a FREE woman, ( as a white person I don’t want to take away from any person of colours ancestors experience of actual brutal Slavery).
I remember one of the first days I was FREE,colours seemed brighter, the awful feeling of tension had gone from our home,peace reigned, children argued,and felt FREE to do it without me being ‘. Punished for their noise.
Life is good,I enjoy it everyday, and thank God for every day He has given me, the ‘freedom thieves ‘are just like annoying bugs of memories from the past..

EVIL. Did. Not. Win.

Tuesday, 13 August 2019

Open letter to Ex Abuser. - Sympathy for the Devil?

Thanks so much for the life lesson!..I learnt SO much from you, you helped me to grow as a person,I was too trusting,you helped me not to trust words, but Actions,because of you I am able to appreciate  every day of my freedom,and because of you I am able to read body language to keep myself safe!
Of course the pain was not pleasant, but just like the intense pain of childbirth something so wonderful has resulted,and the pain is just a fleeting, fading memory,And like You , It has no effect on my Life!
I know you will not see it this way and it may do harm to your self image,I know how hard it is for you to see me have a wonderful , successful and happy life,but it is not my intention to cause you or any living creature any pain.
I also know how angry it makes you that you failed to destroy me, and every other woman you were with after me,I know it makes you so angry you failed in your life’s work!
It know how it makes you so Angry to see all your Ex’s living wonderful successful lives, with professional success and loving caring men and children that adore them, and love to be around them.
I know how angry you are when your Adult sons avoid you, and don’t leave alone with their children.
I know how angry it makes you when pretty young women hardly notice you,!! but find our Adult son’s attractive, pleasant and kind,and when one pretty young woman called you “old “ you cried like a baby!
I feel sorry for you that you will never know what it is to be loved, and sorry that you enjoy inflicting pain.
I feel sorry that you live off a woman who scrubs toilets to keep you in drugs and beer,I feel sorry she has to live far out in a ‘secret’location, to keep you safe from the Dad’s and brothers of the women you beat and abused.and thefamilies of kids you sold drugs to who are now addicts as adults,  our kids friends who looked up to you because they had no dad.and who you betrayed as if they weren’t human..I feel sorry that our son’s see how you live, I feel sorry they see they way you speak to her, and I feel sorry she has depression..but I don’t feel surprised..
Most of all I feel sorry you are a failure in every thing you do.

Thursday, 18 July 2019

Budgen Motors

I am so furious that there will be no sleep tonight, I am within a hairs breath of exploding all over Facebook,, there won’t be any sleep for me tonight..and I have to drive home tommorow...and I feel like the worst believer in the world.I am the worst Christian in the world...but then I know God does understand why I feel like this...and my daughter has done this...just to twist the knife...because Sadly  she is an abusive person too, a spiteful, vengeful person...words I never wanted to ever think let alone say about my own child...she is very much like my sister, and my Mum..not like me at all, or anyone else in the family,in our family it’s the females who are abusive,and cruel...and I am including my Dad in that..my sister Nicky Clark, the( so called Disability Activist and self proclaimed)wrote a whole blog about my Dad being a domestic Abuser, which was NOT true,just because she wanted her Twitter flying Monkeys to fight to get her back in the good books of a. Prominent Feminist who she had fallen out with on Twitter...the fact that my Dad lived with his second wife,LONGER than he ever lived with my Mum, and was never violent to her? Just inconvenient Truth...which doesn’t win you any points with powerful, influential people,who she thought she could beat down with her ‘superior’words!!!..laughable really,as she is always getting into twitter wars with anyone who disagrees with her...
Rant over..calmer now!..Explanation!...Howard,my Violent Ex husband works as a cleaner, the company he works for,Budgen motors, put on their Facebook page a photo of him being given a signed football shirt.. ok he has prostrate cancer, which has gone into his bones,so they are being nice,as he only has 5years to live,but it was just on their website and a dear friend, Chris,who hasn’t got a mean bone in his body shared it, Zan my daughter shared it,and people were commenting what a great “guy he is, a credit to the area where he grew up”...of course I wanted to comment back”maybe you should ask me and his other  ex wife what he is really like, a wife beater, rapist, and a liar”so not such a credit to your area?...followed by a smiley face vomiting!
Of course thinking calmly, Joe has come back to the Lord, and been to church with me,and a Lady even gave him a page in her bible study notes, where it talks about Joseph’s struggle, which she knew were a prophetic word for for him...he was really touched, as it’s never happened before...which means all this recent stuff is just because the Enemy of our souls is Angry 😡 furious that so much good stuff  is happening..
On the other hand, before all the aggro happened I was reading up about a woman called Erin Pizzy, who started  the first women shelter, which she is now banned from even entering, by the radical feminist group who now run it,because she maintains that of the small proportion of violence in relationships,more than half the perpetrators are women...she bases this on her experience,but she has literally been attacked by people who want to make men the sole perpetrators, she has been ‘No platformed, when she has tried to bring her findings to the public..by Feminists,and even had death threats..
A young female filmmaker investigatated Erin Pizzys findings and made a film called The Red Pill,(from the Matrix film where a character is given a red truth Pill).She says herself that she set out to prove the findings wrong,from the men’s organisation.MRA.What she found were men in good happy relationships, good fathers,who were all saying that they were beaten,in previous relationships and when the police were called they were arrested.
We are back in a time where only one Genders word is believed,when because they are one,They must be telling the truth,be above reproach?..yet it does treat women as always the victim, and Men as only the Violent.
As a Survivor of two Violent Husbands I have the right to say that MEN ARE NOT EVIL.
Of course it’s the Enemy who does this,making women out to be something more than human..the female Christ?...the New Age Goddess?...the Enemy hates women, right from Eve..