Losing patience with the Enemies tactics ,Parafin and wires

I am watching Pastor Carter Conlon on t.v, and he is talking about the coming judgement and that we are in bad times but to keep looking to God, a lot of people have been saying this even in the 1960's a guy called Barry McQuire is singing "on the eve of destruction" i am losing patience with the doom sayer's, its been going on for so long, and nothing changes, even Pastor David Wilkerson before Carter Conlon!!...
I think we just need to get on with the Job in hand the "great Commission", to go out and make disciples,bring people to Him,be there where the people are,being a witness,maybe no-one comes to Him,maybe many!! that's not our problem we just have to be in the right place at the right time! It's a hard job, our numbers are low,the Enemy is taking people out, great people,others come in! these sort of worries are the Lord's concern not mine, i have a big enough God to hand it all over to him!
The thing that stood out to me most when Carter Conlon was speaking was the encouragement of the Body of Christ,its a long hard road and its so easy to lose heart,it must be such a hard job to keep the Body of Christ motivated!..but then that's not any persons job anyway its the Holy Spirits. Ben and Darren have both been very close to death in the last two days,God has been protecting them both, a paraffin bottle leaked when Darren was close by smoking, and Ben's charger for his laptops had frayed wires crossing and he could have died if the trip switch had not turned off the Electricity,God protected them,as He always does, Praise Him!

The Glazed look..?.. and the sneering face..

My Mum was a nurse and as a lot of health professionals do, she used to be asked medical questions in social situations, i can remember her Glazed look!!.. and the sympathetic noises she made!!,i was thinking about that the other day with a smile,when i was talking to a lady called Jenny who was at the branch meeting, who is also a Nurse, i was going to ask her if she gets the same thing too...
I was amused by that until it happened to me tonight!!, I have had two phone calls from abroad today, both people were speaking English, but it was still very hard to understand them because they have strong accents, I could only really understand a few words in every sentence...So I make sympathetic noises, and lie by pretending I understand what they are saying, we have a lot of Indian call Centre's who ring here in England,and it is very hard to understand what they say too, and they are reading from a script and get completely thrown off if a question is asked which is not on their list!!...
I hate offending others and put their feelings well above mine,but by not being honest i am really lying to them,and of course it can get dangerous when speaking to a doctor who cant understand.. so i lie,by pretending i understand.. so do most British people!.. Someone who Mike met when he was in Mental Hospital rang me tonight, and like a lot of people i know talks and talks, its completely one sided, if i try to speak i am talked over, so even thought they are stealing my time i just sit and murmur "oh yes" "that's nice for you", when i am really steaming inside...and it makes me feel somehow less than human, because they are acting like i don't deserve to be treated with respect, which of course is exactly what the Enemy wants!!..(Darren does it, but i always tell him, or put the phone down quickly,"i am going now , bye", but he has a slight excuse because he has Asperger's!!)...or even worse when they pause, and i start talking, but they aren't listening just waiting for me to finish so they can speak again!!,and just carry on as if i never spoke, its just a selfish monologue for them..they are Selfish Selfish people...I wonder what it is about me that attracts these deficient people?, who really don't have any idea about social interaction... Howard used to say"i am only saying" when he was shocked because his words had hurt and annoyed me, as if words were small insignificant things with no power,but being a very tall, handsome, intimidating man, he felt he didn't have to socialise with others or even attempt to be pleasant or kind..even our old friends, would avoid him if they saw him when they were all in the Pub,because he thought of himself as a lot cleverer than he was, and made no effort to get on with other people,my opinion of this used to be that he really did not have the capacity to get on with others, because he was basically "rather stupid".. which was so wrong because he is NOT stupid, he managed to have a very cunning,spiteful side,cunning people are not "stupid"!!.
Someone else i knew, Sue used to love to get me to be sympathetic to her, she did it with everyone,she came across as quite "stupid" as well,but if she didn't get the attention she craved would be very spiteful, and cunning!!.. being a woman she didn't get violent as Howard did...people felt sorry for her, but she would end up as some kind of emotional leech, nothing was every right in her life, and she was just waiting to dump her emotional garbage on anyone who would listen..
One thing interesting to me is all these people call themselves "Christians", but really had no relationship with Christ,no gifts or baptism of the Holy Spirit, the woman goes to Church,but has no depth of a relationship with Christ, and has told me she watches Pornography and doesn't even think it was wrong!!,Howard works in a Church every day, has even been baptised,goes to Church on Sundays,but has no relationship with the living Christ.
He has no conscience about coming between my daughter and me, lying to others about me..i have seen his sneering face,a few years ago,when he was going to church, so carefully hidden from others,that face shows me there is NO change in him...I could be biased, but I have no witness of the Spirit with any of these people!!..
All these people come out of one mould,the same as Abusive violent men, or women.They put on a good front, they talk the talk,"Christian-eze",they have some initial charm, which is just a thin veneer...to suck others in.








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Praise The Lord

Yesterday was quite a day!!.., i didn't stop or have a sit down from 10.am until 10.30 pm!!...I knew by the end that it was the enemy of out souls trying to stop me getting to the Branch meeting in Stafford...i wont bother telling everything that happened,there is no point,the Enemy knows...but as ALWAYS The Lord had HIS victory, so I am sitting quietly at home today but not because the Enemy had driven me underground or exhausted me!!. Someone ran into my old car on may 4th so i was taking that around local Garages to get quoted for the repair!! But I got to the meeting, and we have had an invitation to the local Agricultural show, the FOURTH personal invitation a row, so we know the Lord is in it! Despite everything that has been done by the Enemy to stress me out, the Lord has conquered the aggravation which comes from not sleeping regular hours in bed,nothing much has changed about how late Ben gets up,but now i get up late if I am tired, instead of forcing myself to get up at 6.am... I sleep in the day time, if i need to,but it really is not worth getting stressed and worried about!!I can't be me,I cant control or change anything about my life, because my life on Earth is not mine, I belong to God,He is the Author and finisher of my Faith.. and after the Lord,(who has to be first in my life),I am a carer,for one of the wonderful children the Lord has given me! (Its strange i have been reading the "Blandings" book by P.G Wodehouse,and one of the main Characters is Lord Emsworth, who has a prize pig,who has won a medal for the fattest pig in the local show, which just happens to be the very show i am going to! strange co-incidence...and i was looking at a map of Shropshire and there is a small village called Threepwood, which is the name of the Lord Emsworth family, the Author must have got it all from a map..

Professor Anita Hill..Confirmation

I watched the excellent film yesterday called "Confirmation" about a female Law Professor who was verbally sexually harassed by her boss who later went on to become a high powered judge in America,she was such a brave lady, and had to sit before a large group of Senators with her parents just behind her and talk about the vile details, of porn movies that she had had to listen to being described,from her boss.This case was in 1991, and a lot of questions were asked if this would happen today? the year after this case many more women became senators, in fact 1992 was called "the year of the woman". It reminded me a little of a recent case of a famous footballer who was convicted of Rape last year here in England,(Ched Evans) my non-Christian male friends were talking about her as if she had only brought the case because he was famous, but of course she had no intention of doing that,She had no memory of the rape and was just at the police station to ask about her lost handbag, it was the police who encouraged her to find out if she had been raped,(from tests.Professor Hill had no intention of shaming this man, but was asked outright by a government department Official if he had ever been inappropriate with her, she hadn't spoken about it for ten years and more importantly was promised anything she said would be kept private.Professor Hill is a role model to me, a woman so many younger women can look up too, she changed the political scene for women in America.

501..Good things today!!

Post number 501!
Yay! i am quite happy today! i am here at the caravan..its only taken me about six weeks to get here, its a bit cloudy at the moment, but not raining,its warm 15 degrees! ..the new caravan has so many windows and i can just sit back and watch all the wildlife, listen to the birds singing! we are going down to the beach when Ben gets up, its only 9 am, so bit early for him! i worked out how to get the t.v working too, and although the reception is terrible i do have few channels working so that's fine!..
I forgot the instruction booklet for all the things in the caravan , but i got the fridge working! so feeling very happy with the new caravan!! that was last Friday and i managed to stay two nights!, came back on Saturday, and went to do the local bike4life show near Wolverhampton on Sunday,it was so hot, and i had to take my stick, because i was having a bad back for about a week by then..

500 posts! but most of all GLORY to God!

Wow! 500 posts this is number 500! since 2009, but then i lost it for a while... oops!! I was very new to computers, and the internet, but thanks to my Children, mostly Tashie!, i have learnt! Most of the posts are from 2011,until now, so that is 5 years of regular posting,my dear Sister in the Lord, Terry loving from "spiritual side of domestic violence" said in a comment yesterday that i share my feelings, which most people don't! its strange that others don't, maybe its all assumed that others know how they will be feeling! maybe its an instinctive reaction not to open up , to make themselves Vulnerable?.. but i have been publicly humiliated by Abusers enough times to not fear it! and it makes me want to share my story because despite all the struggles and failings, i want to tell others how The Lord has healed me, i know there are others out there who have not suffered as much as me and they cant cope with it, i would be that person too, but for Gods healing hand,i am an example of what God is capable of!!!.. Glory Glory Glory to HIM! Yes i will boast!! not of me i am a worthless Sinner, but of my wonderful Saviour who has brought me through!. Only Him, who has taken a broken person and restored me to a happy and fulfilled life!

Backwards Days

I was thinking maybe this blog/diary should be called the everyday struggles of a bad Christian!!!.. maybe not even "struggles " but failures...but then i would seem to be always moaning and whining!.. so its 3.54 am and i am lying in bed, trying to sleep and wondering WHAT has been wrong with me lately, and the completely un-connected thought, why i am not racist like other people in my family?,( i want to say heroic things like ..my generation in the 1970's all collectively, decided that the previous generations attitude was so wrong and silently Vowed not to bring our kids up like that)!!.
In the town where i live there are not many black people, even now its a surprise to see, this is a very backwards,county town, in the seventies there were no Arab people, no Asian,and Chinese people were here,but just one Restaurant, which my friendship group used to go to, but a lot of people looked down on! Maybe it was just me who hated some of the older generations Racism? my grandfather frank bailey who (coined the phrase, "down memory Lane" in a song which he sent to a producer in the B>B>C, who later claimed it as his own!) he was a terrible racist,until he actually met an Indian,at work who he really liked, and after he died, his son Noel was talking about how he had really wanted Noel to meet a really great Nurse who had looked after him so well, so when a black Nurse started to walk towards Grandpa's Bed the next time Uncle Noel was there, he was worried in fact got in a cold sweat!!,but of course it was the Nurse he had so wanted him to meet!..it suddenly occurred to me why i am not like them!but i had a black Nanny in Kenya when i was a child!, i spoke fluent Swahili.
Then i think to myself i "will have to ask Dad about that"...then i remember..i am living the nightmare that i used to have after Mike , my brother died,(where i dream about him, and we are all back in the old house with my mum and Dad, and the dog!,and i wake up and for a few seconds i think he is still alive)...So avoiding the U.C.B Irish Christian channel, or t.v programs about Ireland haven't worked,pretending it hasn't happened has not worked, so now six months after he died, i am hiding at home,doing nothing all day because i have no energy, missing out on a great new caravan, because i cant face the swearing shouting of my autistic son when i say we are going.
I just don't have the energy...even as i write this i have a tear sliding down out of my right eye. there is just nowhere deep enough to push this stuff, and with Helen not being Healed yet,and her writing on her pad that she loves me the other day, i had to say to her "you will make me cry"...and then remembering she only lost her Mum in August, and what she is going through now with her illness,and the dream i had about being in the car with her....and with... and with... and with?...other stuff i cant talk about yet, the last few weeks it has all come to a head.
I have been casting out spirits of doubt, illness left right and centre but still felt so bad, but it has just struck me when praying that i have to give myself a break, and expect to feel low for a while.I have had depression in the past, but when i came back to the Lord and felt the old feelings coming back i took it as an attack from the Enemy, prayed hard, and did not take any more medicine, i knew that taking medicine when i was living With my violent abusive Husband,Howard, which worked very well, because it took the edge off the anger and resentment,a gift to an abuser.. maybe that's why they call us all crazy,so we will get on the happy/feel nothing pills and put up with them and THEIR S**T!!i better add this to the abusers school post!

child in the corner, and two of the Fab four.

I have not posted anything for two weeks now!!.. i haven't really done much worth commenting about,i went to the Staffordshire Bike show about ten days ago, and that was good, i gave out a few Bibles, in the end it was over 55 in total given out, the National Chairman had contacted Di a few months ago and said someone wrote to them and had come to the Lord through a bible given out at that same show,last year, so it is worth it! One more in the Kingdom, Praise God..I fasted today until 3.30p.m for Helen, there are a lot of people doing it,a really Godly brother from Liverpool felt the Lord prompting him to do it and shared it at their meeting, North Cheshire C.M.A, he is called John, he has a brother called Paul who is also in the C.M.A, i really want to ask them if their brothers are called Richard (Ringo) and George!!..he came once to the Staffordshire meeting, with Paul,and said that when he was born their Dad was just learning about the Holy Spirit!How blessed was that!!I come from a totally unbelieving Family, my parents just about tolerated me going to Church, my Dad had said once that they weren't going to force me in any direction, and let me make my own mind up,but of course in the end it meant that they didn't give me anything to decide about..with my kids i did force them to go to church,which was a bad thing to do!!they hate it now.But one of my sons was describing some people who he had become friends with through mending their Computers and said how nice this older couple were, his exact words were"you would almost think they were born again Christians"!! so something got through!,not my example though!!! i pray for them all every night to come to Him,In His time! I was watching pastor Conlon from Times square church on t.v the other day, i cant remember what the title of the sermon/talk was, but he talked about a book he had read written by a Preacher from the Nineteenth century in America,and a family where a young boy was hiding in the corner of the Kitchen,in terror after seeing a teenage girl hung up by her hands and beaten for some small mistake, the man who beat her then sat down and prayed with his family and shared how they had evangelised the local community, and were praying for more people to come to the Church...this man was a BELIEVER! it was shocking, how could he have been so cruel to his Black servants,(probably slaves) but expect God to be answering his prayers?, with that terrified child cowering in the corner? God sees all.