‘With or with out You’ ? WITHOUT WITHOUT ALWAYS AND FOREVER WITHOUT.

‘With or with out you’

It a song..just a song......by U2, the Irish Rock band, and Howard,my Violent , stalking Rapist Ex decided years ago it was’ Our Song’.its typical abuser speak with the line 

‘You give yourself away’......it’s sad and I haven’t thought about it for years, except it came on a t.v. Programme i just had on in the background while i was doing a puzzle on my IPad Pro, it was such unusual thing to happen and it brought back a lot of the past which I usually avoid..so it was weird, but afterwards i felt, a few ‘shots of love’from the Lord,because tommorow is my first child Nathans Wedding, and Howard is going to be there...yes i know its unbelievable,, i have spoken to Solicitors. Nothing can be done.

As usual women are let down by the Law which should protect them from this sort of thing,and bad people get to do exactly what they want, I don’t have the right to choose. because i am a woman....i cant choose not to be around a dangerous man, my Rapist,who has stalked me for nearly 30 years, because i cant NOT go to my Own Sons Wedding.

It is Unjust, it is unfair...and its just unbelievable.Howard does not like special occasions like this, he would usually avoid them,and he has terminal Cancer, but he said he would come ‘as long as it doesn’t clash with his Chemotherapy’.

I would be prepared to bet £100 that if he can crawl he will be there...

Free human being, Not a Victim

I am not a ‘victim’, and I refuse to call myself one, I am not a ‘survivor’either (and won’t call myself one any more), I am  a FREE woman, ( as a white person I don’t want to take away from any person of colours ancestors experience of actual brutal Slavery).
I remember one of the first days I was FREE,colours seemed brighter, the awful feeling of tension had gone from our home,peace reigned, children argued,and felt FREE to do it without me being ‘. Punished for their noise.
Life is good,I enjoy it everyday, and thank God for every day He has given me, the ‘freedom thieves ‘are just like annoying bugs of memories from the past..

EVIL. Did. Not. Win.

Open letter to Ex Abuser. - Sympathy for the Devil?

Thanks so much for the life lesson!..I learnt SO much from you, you helped me to grow as a person,I was too trusting,you helped me not to trust words, but Actions,because of you I am able to appreciate  every day of my freedom,and because of you I am able to read body language to keep myself safe!
Of course the pain was not pleasant, but just like the intense pain of childbirth something so wonderful has resulted,and the pain is just a fleeting, fading memory,And like You , It has no effect on my Life!
I know you will not see it this way and it may do harm to your self image,I know how hard it is for you to see me have a wonderful , successful and happy life,but it is not my intention to cause you or any living creature any pain.
I also know how angry it makes you that you failed to destroy me, and every other woman you were with after me,I know it makes you so angry you failed in your life’s work!
It know how it makes you so Angry to see all your Ex’s living wonderful successful lives, with professional success and loving caring men and children that adore them, and love to be around them.
I know how angry you are when your Adult sons avoid you, and don’t leave alone with their children.
I know how angry it makes you when pretty young women hardly notice you,!! but find our Adult son’s attractive, pleasant and kind,and when one pretty young woman called you “old “ you cried like a baby!
I feel sorry for you that you will never know what it is to be loved, and sorry that you enjoy inflicting pain.
I feel sorry that you live off a woman who scrubs toilets to keep you in drugs and beer,I feel sorry she has to live far out in a ‘secret’location, to keep you safe from the Dad’s and brothers of the women you beat and abused.and thefamilies of kids you sold drugs to who are now addicts as adults,  our kids friends who looked up to you because they had no dad.and who you betrayed as if they weren’t human..I feel sorry that our son’s see how you live, I feel sorry they see they way you speak to her, and I feel sorry she has depression..but I don’t feel surprised..
Most of all I feel sorry you are a failure in every thing you do.

Budgen Motors

I am so furious that there will be no sleep tonight, I am within a hairs breath of exploding all over Facebook,, there won’t be any sleep for me tonight..and I have to drive home tommorow...and I feel like the worst believer in the world.I am the worst Christian in the world...but then I know God does understand why I feel like this...and my daughter has done this...just to twist the knife...because Sadly she is an abusive person too, a spiteful, vengeful person...words I never wanted to ever think let alone say about my own child...she is very much like my sister, and my Mum..not like me at all, or anyone else in the family In our family it’s the females who are abusive,and cruel...and I am including my Dad in that..my sister Nicky Clark, the( so called Disability Activist and self proclaimed)wrote a whole blog about my Dad being a domestic Abuser, which was NOT true,just because she wanted her Twitter flying Monkeys to fight to get her back in the good books of a Prominent Feminist who she had fallen out with on Twitter...the fact that my Dad lived with his second wife,LONGER than he ever lived with my Mum, and was never violent to her? Just inconvenient Truth...which doesn’t win you any points with powerful, influential people,who she thought she could beat down with her ‘superior’words!!!..laughable really,as she is always getting into twitter wars with anyone who disagrees with her... Rant over..calmer now!..Explanation!...Howard,my Violent Ex husband works as a cleaner, the company he works for,Budgen motors, put on their Facebook page a photo of him being given a signed football shirt.. ok he has prostrate cancer, which has gone into his bones,so they are being nice,as he only has 5years to live,but it was just on their website and a dear friend, Chris,who hasn’t got a mean bone in his body shared it, Zan my daughter shared it,and people were commenting what a great “guy he is, a credit to the area where he grew up”...of course I wanted to comment back”maybe you should ask me and his other ex wife what he is really like, a wife beater, rapist, and a liar”so not such a credit to your area?...followed by a smiley face vomiting! Of course thinking calmly, Joe has come back to the Lord, and been to church with me,and a Lady even gave him a page in her bible study notes, where it talks about Joseph’s struggle, which she knew were a prophetic word for for him...he was really touched, as it’s never happened before...which means all this recent stuff is just because the Enemy of our souls is Angry 😡 furious that so much good stuff is happening.. On the other hand, before all the aggro happened I was reading up about a woman called Erin Pizzy, who started the first women shelter, which she is now banned from even entering, by the radical feminist group who now run it,because she maintains that of the small proportion of violence in relationships,more than half the perpetrators are women!!...she bases this on her experience,but she has literally been attacked by people who want to make men the sole perpetrators, she has been ‘No platformed, when she has tried to bring her findings to the public..by Feminists,and even had death threats.. A young female filmmaker investigatated independentley Erin Pizzys findings and made a film called The Red Pill,(from the Matrix film where a character is given a red truth Pill).She says herself that she set out to prove the findings wrong,from the men’s organisation.MRA.What she found were men in good happy relationships, good fathers,who were all saying that they were beaten,in previous relationships and when the police were called they were arrested. We are back in a time where only one Genders word is believed,when because they are one,They must be telling the truth,be above reproach?..yet it does treat women as always the victim, and Men as only the Violent ones! As a Survivor of two Violent Husbands I have the right to say that MEN ARE NOT EVIL.
Of course it’s the Enemy who does this,making women out to be something more than human..the female Christ?...the New Age Goddess?...the Enemy hates women, right from Eve..

No Retreat NO Surrender?

Life is a battle,there is a praise song called “the battle belongs to the Lord”, which it does! But for us fighting it? It is so hard, it’s a struggle,at the moment it seems like it is never going to end,of course the Enemy wants us to believe we are on our own...but the Battle belongs to the Lord...
I will have to say that to myself, write it on the Mirror,hold it in my Heart, until I can believe it...it’s doubt of course,God wants us to not to Doubt Him...it’s Denying He is Almighty, it’s denying His love and care for Us, and that He controls the World, and our Lives...it’s saying that really the World is a Chaotic place,where Random things happen,in fact anything can happen to us, those we love can be hurt, die, get Sick...
In my Spirit I know that this is not true, that there is an Intelligence, a Maker, THE Creator, who didn’t plan this World to be like this,He planned for us to Live in a Beautiful Place, the Garden,where There was no knowledge of Good and Evil, but we had free Will, Did He make a Mistake by giving us Free Will? ...maybe He wanted us to Love Him freely? To know what we were choosing...WHO we were choosing
He knew of course what would happen, as He exists in all times and places...

But in my Head? In my heart,in my surface Mind,not deep inside ...I doubt...but that is because I AM weak...and I put my weakness onto God, when He is NOT weak!

Occupation? Urban terrorist/Supermodel

Yes I know terrorism isn’t anything to joke about.. I was watching a documentary about Patty Hearst, and I think that is where the term Urban terrorist comes from,and I remember,watching the film about the doors where his girlfriend,Jim Morrison’s calls herself An ‘ornament’when she was asked who she was!.. I guess all women feel like that sometimes sometimes I feel like a terrorist interfering in peoples lives and trying to guide them in the way they should go as the Bible says and other times I wish I did feel like a supermodel with the powers I have in the beauty they have but to be honest I’d rather have the life I have now there’s nothing better in the world and to know the Lord and talk with him every day. That is what defines me, if somebody asked me what my occupation as I could say yes I’m a full-time carer ,I’m a mother of five adults ,,and a Grandmother to five,yes I’ve got a lot in my life the Lord has truly truly blessed me with my family especially when I know someone personally who is close to me who struggles to have children and I can see the heartbreak that they are going through. My occupation is working for the Lord, my occupation is the secretary of the Staffordshire and  Shopshire Christian motorcyclist Association, I feel blessed that God has given me that role, but most of all my Occupation is to help bring people to know my wonderful Lord,who is full of love and care who is a true Father.

Salvation, Anxiety and Bi polar!

Well it’s been a rollercoaster of a week and I have been going from extreme lows to extreme highs, and if it wasn’t for the fact that Joe has come to the Lord, and said he is going to come to church with me, I would be worried about myself because I have a friend Mike who has bipolar and he goes from lows to highs within seconds. God is good all the time, I went to church last Sunday and afterwards I was talking to a lady called Ruth, and she was talking about her grandson coming to the Lord, I think I just remembered I did share this in my last post so I hope Joe can come on Sunday morning he does work from four 4 AM to 8 a.m. so he may not be up to going to church at 10:30 when I was there I also spoke to the Worship leaders and said that I can sing,only two of them do it regularly and they said they would phone me but I haven’t heard anything yet but I’m not worried because if its Gods will and I do this then it’ll happen,well I know that’s a simplistic way of thinking about it the enemy could be trying to sabotage something that God wants, I have a simple Faith..I’m just a mother who wants my children to be saved and I felt there was a slight nudge to speak to the Worship leaders!
 I don’t know if I can even sing well but I do enjoy singing and I do enjoy praising the Lord so maybe that’s enough ? It will certainly be a joyful noise! I have started to think that I have anxiety as in the mental disorder, Ben has been diagnosed with it and since he’s been having the medicine he’s been a lot better, also He has been talking to me which suppose is unusual for people who don’t have an autistic family member but then it is quite unusual, and I know in the past when I’ve taken steps to be closer to God and just done what he wants me to do,( Bible study and prayer Ben has taken a leap  forward,I said something to me other day about why did you put the tray away, and because he was concentrating on something else he just looked at me and said oh the tray no that sounds such a little thing,a totally normal reaction anybody would say, and it is and Ben has autism so he doesn’t have normal reactions ! (whatever normal is)! For him to come out with it without thinking without worrying about saying it is an amazing thing, we had a conversation the other day and he said to me “I’m smart “and I said “yes of course you’re smart,The autistic only stops you from talking to people it doesn’t mean you’re not clever or smart “and he seem to accept that so that’s the rollercoaster of a week! It has been hard been hard to keep up,! the Holy spirit starts working in our lives and it’s like we are on a rollercoaster and whole world is going past in a blur,I’m going from one minute of crying to the next minute feeling like I’ve got the best life in the world!...and I have got the best life in the world because Jesus is in it and He died to save me .God is Good , ALL THE  TIME.

Fat and Jolly...yeah me!

I just saw a very happy jolly large lady on t.v,Alison Hammond, and I was thinking how lovely and cheerful she is, and somehow it’s easier to be seen as acceptable’ by society to be Jolly , if we are fat! She was able to flirt and Charm Rob Lowe,I wish I could be like that, and I am sometimes! On Monday I had to have my yearly Asthma check up, and I smiled all the time,and the usually miserable Nurse smiled too..and didn’t look me up and down,the way she usually does! In the way some people do when they think we don’t see it.I did have a bad day on Tuesday..I let the Enemy in,I went to Church,on Sunday,without planning it like I usually do,therefore giving the Enemy the chance to stop me!
I felt the nudge to talk to the Worship leaders,about which I should have done months ago,and I was telling a lovely older
Lady, Ruth about how Joe has come to the Lord,and how I felt he needed to come to Church,she was talking about her Grandson who has always rejected his families Faith, he bought her a Bible because he noticed hers was falling apart, and has bought and shared many Christian books, so he is on the way too!,Praise the Lord!
I went home and Joe came round later and said, “Mum, I think Godis telling me I need to go to Church, and take the Kids!

Actions speak louder than words.

It’s obvious really, apparently Abraham Lincoln, an American President said it,sometimes I talk to People on the Internet,usually Quora, so many abuse victims believe what the abuser say, rather than their actions, they say ‘I love you’but The next day they are beating you, trying to kill you,strangle,kick us, why do we believe it...how can there be such a distance between our perceptions of the action and the words...why didn’t it immediately jump into my mind?..maybe growing up with a very strict father,and a Mum who seemed constantly stressed...and mostly never stood up for us when he was unfairly strict,I defended my kids from being hit,Jon knew that was the line he should never cross, I make decisions for my life, they don’t...but maybe in a way I controlled the relationship by setting those boundaries...?
Another thing I have noticed on Quora anyway,that most of the abused are thrown away,when the Abuser finds someone else,but that never happened to me, I alway made them leave,I find comfort in that, but then again that could be a trap of the Enemy,trying to make me prideful?

Driving 240 miles in 27 hours.

A busy weekend....that is an understatement!!!!..its helped me to come to some decisions which have been hanging over me for several months..about where as a christian i should be putting money..I had expected it to be going for one thing, when in fact it has been going to support someone who i feel, (and have proof) has not been treating others as Christ expects, in fact has been Shielding an abuser from the consequences of their actions,allowing the abuse to continue, shunning the Victim, and denying them Justice.This is Completely Un-biblical, (which i have heard myself said to the person shielding the Abuser).
The Shielder was and still is in a position of Power, over the Abusive Person,and could have stopped the Abuse but chose not too..
Yes i am judging, setting myself up as a Judge over someone else..but i am responsible to The Lord for my own actions,i WON'T aid an Abuser in any way.
I have seen those who have exposed the Abuser discredited,(again said in my presence),so i know i take that risk.The Bible says that "Evil abounds where good men stay silent"..

No response INFURIATING for Abusers!

Well here I am back on the blog after a week of trying to get back on, I was blaming google but as usual I think it was me! Of course I could use the excuse that I was not brought up with computers, like my kids, who had them at school...but it’s probably because I was impatient and didn’t read the instructions properly... I have been researching a statement by a man who sent threatening, sexual rape threats to his wife’s co worker...his most telling comment was that “I wanted to frighten her, and it was frustrating that she was not replying to the messages and I didn’t know how she was reacting to them” he said this to the Police,he was Angry because she had been in his words “not pulling her weight at work” .At the trial the court was told, she had collapsed at work, and then only had TWO days off work, before he started sending the threatening sexual text messages.

That was the year that was...Annus Horribilis

We just had our A.G.M, where is was elected Secretary again, Di the chairman gave her yearly report and said’ that was the year that was, and I never want to have one like it’... I feel the same,about C.M.A, and because of what Joe has been through...so when I saw I have only posted 6 times in the last year, I was not surprised...for a long time I couldn’t talk about anything personal because it was so upsetting...I felt that tears were just under the surface and not much would start them off...
So I guess that is why I was having chest pains, and I went to hospital, my heart is fine,they did all the tests,E.C.G and blood,I have spinal problems, and my whole rib cage has been hurting in different places for about two weeks so I will have to get that checked out...I am feeling much more positive yesterday and today,I KNOW that being close to God, praying and worshipping makes me feel better... but do I do it..NO! He forgives and is always there when I need Him, my whole being is wrapped up in Him, His ‘Rod and His staff do comfort me’i have been feeling Empty, before I knew He was always there, so I didn’t always go to Him when I had need,I felt I could do it myself, I had too many years of only having myself to depend on...but HE was always there, and has even shown me he was...When He was taking me through some of the worst memories of Abuse, so it could be dealt with, He showed me He was always there, with me and I was not there alone...He is there like that for us all, we are all His Children, I am nothing special..the Bible says ‘He is no respecter of persons’which I believe means we are all equal in His eyes, the Top Church guys are the same as the Homeless Man begging for Change..

A Trap for the Enemy,or the Enemies Trap?

I have been researching some of the Enemies devices recently...it started with finding out about local legends of the servants of the enemy,A mermaid at a pool a few miles away, a gnomes home under a Hill,I felt it was what the Lord wanted me to do,but thinking back it started with a peculiar hill at the edge of a field, which sometimes I drive past,it’s only very small,maybe30-40 feet high, and 20 feet wide,I don’t know if it’s solid rock, but maybe it must be because why hasn’t the owner flattened it? I can see it’s just a small mound, but it also looks, with ‘spiritual’ eyes like a sort of door way with turrets round,and battlements, very much like a miniature medieval castle..these images super impose themselves at the same time...and I get a warning just before we pass it every time...that it’s coming up, it’s strange because there is no where to stop near it,and the road is angled so I have to drive past quite fast, so are literally just getting one glimpse...just before we pass it I get a warning in my spirit that’s it’s coming up This is a new revelation to me, yes I can and have seen many things ‘in the spirit’but to be shown the hidden houses of the Enemy is a new puzzle to me,!
I know that he and his servants have rights over certain areas,that they have their designated areas,the Bible talks about an Angel being held back by a Prince of that territory...

Human nature being what it is...ain’t no mountain high enough, and the Drum and Monkey

My Dad had a diary, a black hard backed expensive looking book,inside he had written,"Private",and something like this is "my private Diary, please don't read it", i cant remember the exact words now, its nearly 50 years ago,but further on inside it said, but "Human nature being what it is,you are reading it"..i cant remember anything that was written down,i guess the things important to a nearly 40 year old man weren't really of much interest to a pre-teen!!.

The Diana Ross song i have put in the title, is something i cant speak about yet, without getting upset, just like seeing anything with kids on,and other stuff, which will always be painful until they come home, i get so upset i cant even type their names...i do know that God has said Joe will be a Dad to them, that they will come home,i even feel ashamed and that i am doubting God by even getting upset...but i hope He understands that pain...its so much worse to see my son in pain, than any other pain i have ever had from the bad stuff i have been through myself...but like Forrest Gump...i am not talking about that!!

Today is Jon's birthday, Ben and Joe's Dad, i reminds me when he insisted i drive out into the country, in cold and frosty weather, because it was his birthday, he wanted to go to a Country Pub,where some famous Musicians sometimes hung out...i had had a severe Asthma Attack just a few days before,may even have just come out of Hospital, i had three small children who depended on me,their Dad would not able to bring them up,So putting my life at risk would have been disaster-ous for them...So when i feel angry with Daisy..and unforgiving for putting my Grand children in Danger i should not be judging her...

Stalker

Ellie and Willow have been taken into care in Glasgow,so there is a good chance that Joe will be able to have them back, he’s got a solicitor,so it’s just a waiting game now...nothing goes fast in government departments in England....”red tape”! We are all feeing a great sense of relief, and something seems to have ‘ lifted’...
Things are awful in the Christian Motorcyclists Association inUk,there has been some bullying behaviour, by those who are high up,, and two people have been kicked out...it’s the Spirit of Jezebel,because those who were kicked out have started a ministry which people have been saved, and baptised, a reach out which is open every day...yet they were ‘shunned’ by someone, a woman, who was supposed to support them. So we have lost a brother and Sister, hopefully only for a short while, but we have people asking to join us all the time,we are the only Branch in uk that is growing, we gave out over 500,Bibles to Bikers, and 300 at the national memorial arboretum, I am not boasting it’s just a fact!
I haven’t had anymore trouble with the Ex stalker,except for some photos on Facebook..in which he looks annoyed all the time!
God is good, All the time