MY Prodigal

Felling quite good at the moment, due i think to plenty of sleep, physically anyway! pretty heartbroken for my sister Nicky as the Doctor has told her that Emily has 'regresion', which happens to most kids when they are 18- 2yrs old,hardly ever happens to kids who are 14 like Em,i havent contacted her, don't know what to say...
I have put it on a yahoo group called 'a million prayers', it up to the Lord,if He wants to heal he He is capable, as he has answered prayer for me about Joe, my prodigal son,who was away from the family for 3 years, and was told by his Father that he had no one, a complete lie,God brought him home, just like Joseph in the Bible,he went into Eygypt,was actually kid-napped, but was the means that God used to save his whole family.
The Lord has promised that Joe will become a Preacher, and bring his Dad and Grandad to Him,did not want to name him Joseph,but his dad called him that straight after his birth, showing the nurses in the ward,we were going to call him Zac,but maybe his name is Gods will after all as it is Joseph!!!! God knows and is in control!!!...Praise Him!

Called home,to the One he loves, (more than me)

Well,God has been showing me some things through the passing of the faithful hound, mostly that even a dog can go to heaven, before he died he would lift his head and tilt it as if he was trying to hear something,i thought at the time that he was just halucinating,and dismissed it,but he was looking at someone he knew well and was waiting for instruction,I was the person he liked most in the world, and he was not looking at me!!..,i think it was like in the 'Last Battle' where Lucy hears the voice of the person she likes most calling her home,she like her Dad most, but it was not him! obviously Our Heavenly Father,been a big lesson to me,Most Christians say dogs don't got to heaven,he was my faithful hound, but he was Gods before me!I had prayed hard that he would not die,unless it was Gods will,and also that if he was going to go, it would be quick,he was only sick a day!
Also reminds me about the 'Wind in the Willows' where Rat and Mole, have a Spiritual encounter with the Animal 'god' Pan,don't really know why though!!!
I feel pretty annoyed with myself, after looking at the calender and seeing that i had wasted THREE months of my life getting wound up about the Ex and his tricks,of course much as i would like to blame him i know it is the enemy!!!...

shut out in the cold

The dog died this morning, was not expecting it, had convinced myself that he just had a dose of the runs and would be o.k, too raw to talk about yet,so just to top off a REALLY awful start to the day, i took Darren to the open lunch at the church and the Ex Howard,was right there!...was expecting he would be, which in the natural,-the 'flesh' means not so much of a shock, so dont have extreme fear reaction, or that i am able to control myself in simple terms, it was awkward, but its done, and i have showed the Pastor at the church, and his wife i can be in the same place.Was struggling with thoughts that said' they dont want you here. they just like him' Obviously straight from the Pit of Hell,but still a struggle!!!!
Then got a REALLY friendly phone call from my friend Mike, (who the Lord told me not to get in the middle of this between me and The Ex,i am obviously back in favour, and not being judged as 'not forgiving', whoop de do...lucky lucky me!!!.)..I had told Him the situation of my treatment at the Ex's hands,he chose to shut me out in the cold,i really trusted him, and as always my mistake is to care too much for my friends only to be let down, hard....
Ah me,i have decided i really like my children as grown ups,as well as love them, have seen all of them over today.well to a better tomorrow...

Yorkshire terrier

Am nursing one of my very old Yorkshire Terrier with a bad dose of Diahrea,(never sure how to spell that!)My life has been pretty uneventful for the last three days as i have been stuck in the house through my own dose of the 'runs'!!
its 1 a.m here and Ben's still wide awake, i have started to get Nicky's tweets over my mobile, over a hundred a day, may have to stop, quite interesting through the whole Ricky Gervaise thing, and also how i knew about the doctors recommendation for Emily, may keep it...So bored, stuck at home all weekend!
Its been quite strange how Biggles(i didn't name him)!!.. was fine yesterday,usually sleeps a lot most of the time now anyway, he couldn't walk upstairs last night or downstairs this morning, has had the runs today,and really can't stand up without falling over now ,but was able to walk some earlier on today!! really strange! he's probably just too old to cope with much....

Thy Will be done

Well, the world did not end yesterday!Nicky got a personal apology from Ricky Gervaise,well done him.Bit of a strange day today, well a non-day really,hoping my friend Mike would come for Prayers, he's ill he says, or it could be that he is friends with my Ex, and doesn't want to come!...oh well, his loss!!
Was told by the Lord not to get him involved in the trouble between me and the Ex, so maybe that is why he is not here!...will see next Saturday.
Nickys been told by the doctor that Em may need to go to a residential school, because of the violence towards Nicky,going to pray hard and ask others to Pray too, i am sure it is the epiepsy meds, made Ben quite aggresive,he has calmed down now tho, sleeping is still bad tho, i could do something about that if i really wanted too.
Its strange tho. I was praying last night for Emily,its got to be the enemy,he has let up on the Ex husband aggravation, so coming from another angle.God is in control,'Thy will be done' Amen

My Child,and my Mum

My thoughts are on my mum today,maybe because i just read a blog by another Mum of a disabled child,i feel so sorry for myself sometimes, and yet my life is so much easier than so many other special needs parents, Nicky says its a good day for her when she is not punched by Em,who wants to go out, but then is staered at and mocked, so its so stressful for the rest of them,Em does not notice,she threw Nicky across Sainsburys, so Nick is recovering from bruised tail bone, all this and she is getting 'aggravation'(understated so not to upset me) from Ricky Gervaise fans for daring to challenge his use of the foul word'mong'.
What has this to do with my Mum,once when i was pregnant and was consumed with worry about not having a 'normal' child,she just listend in her calm way,and said'i won't matter,because it will be your child'.....

Thanks Mum, miss you...

Police lady

On Friday night Ben went to his usual friday night youth club,he told me afterwards that he had told the 'police lady' about the trouble i was having with the Ex,Howard,didn't take much notice and on Sunday there was a knock on the door, it was a community police officer!!.. ' I have been talking to your son Ben' she came in and i told her everthing, she went back to talk to her Sargeant, and she rang and said that if he approached me again they would arrest him,warn him that it was harrasment, and he would be prosecuted!! amazing....solicitors wouldn't help, Police didn't,Ben did!!!.., ( but it was really the Lord,my last post i said that i must trust Him).
I do this everytime, always go to the Lord last!!!.. when I gave up my determination to sort this my way He steps in!!!
The Police woman i saw months back said i should avoid him at all costs as this would just 'encourage him', the community officer said that i shaould not let this affect my life, i should go where i want, so i went to church on sunday night, fully expected him to be there,he was'nt, (but OF COURSE will be there next week)!!..and of course this was what was getting me down, i felt even more of a prisioner than i already was!! had a bit of the runs the next day, but not as much as before! God is good!!.Halelujah!!.

Insomnia

How many times have today have i had Ben say 'i want to kill you', at least five! its not even said in an angry way, its just a passing comment like,'cold today'!Compared to the life some other carers live i have it pretty easy,my sister is recovering from a bruised tail bone, after being thrown across Sainsburys by her autistic 14 year old girl,My day starts with me getting up at around 8-8.30 my usual time to get up is 6 a.m, but my sleeping pattern has to fit around Ben's now, he will then get up at 1 pm,not eat anything , take his epilepsy meds,and then go on his laptop for four hours,he watches you tube,music he likes mostly, and signs along very loudly!!!he will then watch one of his d.v.d's. He likes martial arts,adventure fighting type films, he gets a d.v.d every week.
He does that until he feels tired, usually about 1 a.m, i have been sleeping on the sofa since about 9.o-9.30, which is my usual time for sleeping. I watch far too much t.v, i find if i put the radio on, i usually get more done around the house. I have a struggle with housework,and while my kids always say that it is my health problems that affect it,chronic laziness doesn't help!!!. I am trying to find out which of my meds causes insomnia, because i have trouble sleeping at least twice a week. The meds i have for hiatus hernia claim to have some side effects of insomnia, so i am taking them in the morning to see if this helps, i have had quite a few cramps in my legs and feet today, these had almost disappeared after i cut out all sweetener's in my diet.
My best news today, in fact for months is that a woman called Heather has become a believer partly because of an answer i put on Yahoo answers! She asked how she could be sure that her life would change if she turned to God,i answered that God loved her, and was waiting for her to turn to Him,(more than that, but it was the Holy Spirit really, not me at all!!.) So wonderful and encouraging! I suppose the whole recent attack from the enemy was about this!!!..(ex-husband etc.)
I am reluctant to talk about this whole subject, but the Solicitor says 'there is nothing more she could do, but of course if he is violent call the Police,i went a bit crazy with anger that night and was determined to have it out with him,so i went to his house,He was out!! thank you Lord!!!
I wanted to say that what ever he does i will NEVER get back with him (although the Police woman i saw said any contact i have with him will just encourage him),violence and abuse aside,to me the worst he has ever done is to try to get between my and my oldest daughter Zannie. Everything else he has ever done just pales into insignificance compared to that,to me and i thought the whole world!!.. relationships with children were out of bounds, nothing ever should be done to ruin that...(his daughter hides when he goes to see her!, because he is so obsessed with me that's all he talks about!)..I hate feeling like a Victim, and to be in a situation which is completely out of my control is quite scary.I know myself too, i am getting to the point where i cant tolerate anymore and will confront him. It has been almost five years since this,'stalking' started!(this time anyway, not including the last church i went to) I must trust in God in this situation.

15 mins

I have found that Bens attention span is about 15mins, the time it takes him to become bored, went to hospital appointment for Ben,then the 'i want to kill you' ,directed at me,starts,louder and louder,(actually co-incided with the departure of the only girls his age)!!!....Then the flicking his fingers close to my face, usually a few inches.
I wonder if i have got the cheek to say to the receptionist this before i go? I wonder what i should do, and dont know who to ask.The natural instinct is to keep as low a profile as i can,and try to mimimise the autism effects, i dont want to embarass him in public.

joy

Felt quite good today,although still got bad back,my youngest'J' helped me yesterdy and we were able to sort out some of his brother Ben's stuff.Three whole bin bags!..so that gave me the impetus to start to sort out some things which had been annoying me for ages,a while later 'D' came round,and i caught him stealing from me!..(he only swapped his empty lighter, for one of my full ones, which i use for firelighting in the winter)..
I still feel quite upset with him, probably more disappointed than anything, trying to not blow this out of proportion....but, i really thought i could trust him,he gets money out for me, (which i dont check everytime) He has not said sorry.in fact he lied even more and said he was 'only looking at it',while it was in his pocket!...i dont think so!..
What do i do now? He has taken money from people i know before,an old christian couple i know,it was just £10 which they had left on their shelf for a bill, they had him pay them back £1 a week,!He has taken milk from my doorstep, which i did not know about til a few weeks later, when i gave him some food when he had run out of money and food, he felt so guilty he told me about the milk!
I know as a christian i should forgive, and i have,still smarts though!!My trust will have to be earned again i suppose. What a shame, so unnecessary!!..I suppose the whole point of this is that i have lost the Joy i was feeling, the enemy did have the victory,but not for long i hope!...the bible says we are to keep 'short accounts', i.e repent for our sins (wrongs) and forgive other theirs!...

Darrens Hacking Cough

Well it worked, immediate attention in solicitors office,Darren also had a hacking cough, which helped!!!.. i should rent them out!!!.. we went for a drink afterwards and my oldest son'Nathan and daughtet Tashie,it was nice to see them both,But when Darren is around it is immposible to have a conversation!!!..he wants all the attention on him, only talk about his concerns, he talks over other people,my kids are very patient with him, which makes me very proud! Ben never said a word,did a lot of flicking his fingers in my face,we have only been in there a few times, so it was not a familiar place to him, i think that makes him insecure.
We never made it to apologise to the lady Darren was rude too, he has seen her today and said sorry,she was not willing to accept it.Not sure what to do next.!!!sad to find out that ex-step daughter is upset about solicitors letter to her Dad,what can i do, just want to be left alone?... he won't take no for an answer, saw ex-stepson Lauries yesterday, just bumped into him,he was fine,no animosity from him! Its a shame because i really care about my step-kids,have known them since they were babies.Still friends with their Mum, although only see her about once every 3 yrs!
Send complaint to B.B.C. about the use of the offensive word'ret**d' on a t.v.show.

Sandwich bars

Talked again to Darren about the incident where he got banned from the Sandwich bar, took a while to get to the bottom of it, turns out that he had not 'overheard' someone say it!...which he did tell me... it was his own idea what other people would say!!!!thats a horse of a' different colour'!!!!...AND he had said this to her TWICE...so we are going to go to town tommorow and he is going to apologise to her,which is what the Propriator had told him to do before he can come back!!...
'D'has an amazing memory, (but just for numbers it seems,)he can remember mobile numbers, in fact any numbers!!!.. our own 'rainman'!!!!!...It is not true though that all Autistic people have a 'special' gift,we tend to remember the things we are interested in,My son Ben can recite whole film scores he has seen,!!.. but thats what happens when you watch something repeatedly!
I am going to go to the solicitor tommorow and not leave until i have an appointment, and of course i will HAVE to take Ben!.... who when he gets bored, will start to pretend punch me, and slap me with his sleeve!!might even get D to come too, and when he is nervous gets quite loud and can make innapropriate remarks, very loudly!!!!He is 24 stone, has his large belly hanging out as his clothes don't fit him anymore, i wonder how the solicitors Posh clients will appreciate that?!......I am feeling pretty rebellious and anarchistic today, usually happens after a period of feelings helpless, as the Yanks say 'go figure'....!!!

Another sleepless night

Another sleepless night, feel drained today,all affects of a hangover, with non of the actual drinking,! shame.....House a mess, things need doing and no energy to do them,bad back too!!!... oh woe is me!!.....had a bit of a' pity party' yesterday, the solicitor has not contacted me, although i first rang on monday,' shes in court, in whitchurch' maybe wrong but i thought only Barristers could appear in court!!!...
So angry that Ex husband Howard gets away with pestering me and no-one sees able or willing to help, emailed my poor long suffering sister in the end,as is she does not have enough on her plate with out me adding to it!!!!...She was calmly able to show me just to keep trying solicitor!!!.....He is not going to get away with this any more,the enemy of our souls is behind this, and he did have the victory for a while yesterday,but not for long!! Hallelujah!..God is good.
Thinking about my neigbour,Darren is a sufferer of Aspergers,physically he looks like King Henry 8th!!and his tummy increases fast!He rings me and likes to come round and pray and read the bible with me,he rang me yesterday because he had been thrown out of a cafe,for repeating to a woman that somebody had walked past and said privately to his companion that she looked like a man!!!..,he was upset and could not understand what he had done wrong, in his eyes HE did not say anything bad!! the woman got upset with him and complained,this establishment,(which is not exactly a posh establishment, a sandwich bar with a few chairs outside) is quite happy to take Darrens money most of the time, as long as he sits outside and keeps quiet!.....
Sometimes its hard being friends with Darren cause his Aspergers is hard to cope with sometimes.

Soul stealers or Grace growers?

'Soul stealers' or 'Grace growers'
Grace growers means the difficult people we come across,who help us to grow in Grace!(eventually)....Soul stealers are what some people call Satan, or Demons, or 'bad luck'Christians would say Satan, what we call the 'enemy of our soul',who can petition God to test us,( as in the book of Job in the old testament.And Peter in the gospels.)
I don't believe in 'luck' as i have faith in a supernatural, all seeing Being who cares passionately for me, and everyone else.
The People of God are very hard to be around,personally i would rather face a room full of Hell's Angels, than a room full of Christians!!.. Bikers are less judgemental, and forgiving, sorry but its true!!! ( but isn't it true that the only people who Judged Jesus were the 'religious' people,and eventually killed Him.) Lets face it, i have plenty of stuff to be judged on, divorced twice,FIVE kids, lack of housekeeping skills! So its easy to Judge me, but what did Jesus ever do to be Judged so harshly about?...it was His very Nature to be without Sin or He could not have been the Perfect Sacrifice for us?( and I am in no way comparing myself with Him)
The most Christ 'like' person I have ever met was a Girl called Michelle ,at college, she was so kind and loving,never judging others, but when I said to her, 'most of the people i knew would never talk to you',because (she is Gay).I felt really ashamed, of myself, and them.
My son Nathan, hated gay people until he met someone at college who is now his friend! My Granddad, who did not like black People, EXCEPT THE ONES HE ACTUALLY MET! who he thought were really great people!..So i guess we all have predjudices, which are fine, until we meet them and find out they are just as human as we are!!!. We are all Gods children, i agree with the Creationists when they say that there is only one Human Race,not races, just different skin tones, not gay or straight,Abled or Dis-abled,rich poor........HUMAN.....

Battered into submission?

I have been thinking a lot over the past few days and weeks about forgiveness,obviously in my present situation,i am being challenged by other people, and am being told 'that forgiveness means forgetting'.Pastor David Wilkerson did say that once you have forgiven ' it should never been mentioned again'.I don't want to be here to justify my reactions, and on Sunday i was just blowing off steam!.... I went on Harvest warriors, Dr Rebecca Browns website and she says forgiving someone does not mean you have to be around them again. i.e Forgiving and moving on.
In examining my motives i am sure that if the Ex-husband Howard, stayed away from me, i would give him not another thought,apart for the occasional bad thought that surfaced!!!,,and hopefully quickly repented of!...i know i have better things to do than constantly re-hashing the past, its gone i cant change it.
The past is being forced into my face, because of the 'accidently-on-purpose'presence of this man where ever i go,(an exaggeration, not really everywhere!)Could it be that God is trying to show me something? I went through the Prayers that Dr Rebecca had after her article.
What is important is that forgiveness is very important to God,(i.e the parable of the talents i think!...) how can he forgive us if we don't forgive others. Self examination over!...
It seems to me that Christian churches are no different to those written about in the book 'battered into submission'.To me the conclusion the book gets to is that women who are battered are encouraged to return to their husbands despite the risk of dying, UNTIL the Pastors own daughters are in this situation!!!..It seems their lives are more important...
The Biblical reasons only for Divorce are unfaithfulness, but remarriage is not allowed.
Its very sad,women have to leave their churches, lose their friends and support network, or stay,with the possibility of death or serious injury.Seems no better for christian women than the ones in the Middle East.
As the book says, 'sin is sin',the unbelieving world seems to have a more healthy attitude to this controvertial topic, than the so called 'People of God' the same people who protest about Abortion, and 'every life is precious'!!!..

still waiting

....still waiting for him to get up so we can go!!!!....

Shining demonic voice

In tears reading Nickys blog,she remembers things i don't,i feel pretty selfish moaning about my life when he really did not have one.....It is interesting what she says about everyone in the family being on the Autistic spectrum,I dont believe it though!. i know the world was different then,and there was the whole british upper lip thing,pyscologists would say that is an unhealthy way to be,i am not sure though!.. remember seeing a C.N.N report during the 7/7 bombings and the reporter saying how we were handlingy it without panic,but'this is the way they are' felt quite proud then,not sure now!
Ben was vey annoyed yesterday that we are going to the caravan,used the 'shining'demonic voice!!( tried not to laugh! and last night was getting within an inch of my face,trying to get me to say we were'nt going!!!!..

My brother Mikes fiftieth birthday

Strange day today...my brother Mikes 50th birthday, he died aged 17, cant really imagine him as a 50 year old, would his hair have stayed blond,would he have children? even grandchildren by now! see the carewrite.blogspot - christmas day. I suppose it like the old rememberce day Prayer 'they will never get old as those left behind will get old' not exact words, but hope it is the eneral gist!

The Monster, and spoons

Feeling very fed-up today, went to the church service this morning, did not even get through the door,' i have to warn you' said the nice lady on the door'your ex-husband is there today' heart sinks, feels sick,my two sons tried to encourage me to go in, but i ran away like a coward again,at least i suppose i didnt faint this time, like a few weeks ago on a sunday evening and as i walk in the door i see that familiar bald spot, and white hair, i just got outside and fainted, the nice women took me round the side of the church through another door, and gave me a cup of tea,until i was able to drive home. 'Try to come on Sunday mornings, he never comes then' so next sunday went on sunday at 10.30, wonderful service and time of fellowship, but there was someone there who is a friend of his, and must have told him,so this Sunday! there he is, 'you could go to the other side of the church, away from him' said the lady on the door, but that would involve walking past him and the front of the church, and i could not trust my legs not to let me down ( literally) again.
I am a christian, not a good one mind you, so i have forgiven the Rape, domestic violence and the abuse, and violence towards my ( then) 5 and 6 year old boys. But how can I forget, should I physically scoop the memories out of my Brain? I really wish i could, i dont want to have nightmares, and faint when i see him!...some people have said that because i faint i cannot have forgiven,i actually have no animosity towards this man, this is a totally UNCONTROLLABLE PHYSICAL REACTION.but these are people who have never been raped or beaten up so what the F'''''''k do they know? If you want to know more about this story, read the carewrite blogspot.com, and scroll down to the 'Monster' story.I have been to the Police,who said they could do nothing unless he actually threatens me,the fact that he eventually turns up EVERYWHERE i go IS VERY threatening seems to escape them.!!!!.. well i suppose its back to the Solicitor again, although the letter from them a month ago to him seems to have made no difference to his behaviour.

i found it again!

HEY I FOUND IT AGAIN! very sad i know i have lost it for two years! i have been reading my sister Nicky Clarks blog, and suddenly this popped up,!!!..been reading about her struggles with an increasingly aggresive 15 yr old Autistic daughter. I know how she feels as i am sole carer for my 21year old son Ben, who is wide awake and its 2.am!!.. any parent or carer will tell you that we live in a sort of half life, 'in the world but not of it' as the bible says!...the invisibles.... i remember hearing a person talking about wandering the street in the middle of the night and seeing an incredibly large woman outside, the only time she felt able to go out without being stared at! I had planned to go to my caravan in Wales tomorrow,but its just to hot to take the Dogs in the car,(4 yorkshire terrors)!... So will probly wait until next week, its just as isolating there but at least the scenery is better!