Tuesday 30 October 2012

Fleeces and challenges

Today i am grateful the He is my All in All,He provides me with all i need,He is my comfort, and my shelter, Praise Him for who He is.
I have been reading a really interesting Post in another blog,(Spiritual side of domestic violence), she is talking about forgiving Abusers too.
Yesterday i was able to get out of the house for a while, very nice too, it seems like sometimes when i do get out, that either i am really over-sensitive, or that the Enemy puts incidences in my way that should drive me back home , never to venture out again!! i.e just because you are paranoid does not mean they are'nt out to get you!!
( i was coming out of a place where only one person was serving, and there was a huge queue of people waiting, they all stared, at least six of them, through lack of sleep or whatever i stared them all down! NOT like me at all, usually would have been upset all day, so in the car i said out loud to Ben, ' i am in fighting mood today' he was not listening, (he had not slept all night, so the lights were on but nobody was home!)
It was almost like i was challenging the Enemy!!! laying down a fleece!!....., parked the car went to pay, and there were three ladies,all trying to work out how to use it, i helped them, they were a bit flustered and embarrassed,and the oldest one said
'thanks, we are special', just trying not to get drawn, and to take the sting out of the word, i said
'we are all special' (of course it could have been,she said they were, i may be and Ben is)!!! special needs!
Of course the Enemy was not going to let it go on that!!!,,NO WAY,so the woman said
'no SPECIAL in a different way' so my internal voice or the Enemy, (easy to blame him!! )..spent the next half  hour berating me, 'you've let Ben down' 'you have let yourself down' for not retaliating. I don't know, it could be that it was the first bit of human contact i have had that's not family, or A.s.d related for weeks.
So did i turn the other cheek? did i not engage because i was lazy, was it because i am a coward? No idea......i would just like to go out and not have the Enemy after me though!....

Sunday 28 October 2012

False Friends, and enemies


Today i am grateful to God for,being alive,with not the best of health, but i am here non the less! I have been putting off some decisions for a few weeks now but it seems as if God is bringing them to the fore again,someone i know was 'talking up' the Ex,again a person who knows everything that has happened, and who i had told how annoyed i was when the scam artist had done it,but i know i was wrong too because i had wanted to know information about people i had been friends with before,which was wrong of me.
I was starting to have bad dreams about the situation too, (a nice foursome,double dating, going out together,)!! yeuk.. so i don't know if it was her dream projected by the Enemy, or my dream,not unpleasant,but very disturbingwhen i woke up... i had asked the Lord that any dreams i had would be from Him,i can't remember where i got that from,
I had told the friend about the 'green pastures dream' maybe i trusted her too much doing that.I have been uneasy about some of the dreams and visions she has told me about, don't always seem of the Lord,but i did'nt say anything.
So i think the Lord is saying that i have that i have to break off contact, when i went to the Throne room about the Ex He said that Satan had asked to test me, and that it was now over and 'this man will not bother you again',after He said this nothing changed though!!.. i don't know really what i was expecting?...,maybe that he would just disappear from everyones lives, maybe that would have happened if i had gone to the Throne room earlier, like He said.....
I had to make the change, i had to walk away from friends and church.But really what had i lost? they were not my real friends,to be friends with him  after they knew the Truth?
I have to admit i do have trouble with friends, i am loyal, don't talk about people i love behind their backs, and i expect them to treat me the same, does not happen though!!..its the same with husbands, i  must have  too high expectations....the Ex used to take my kids for walks, and spend the whole time telling them how awful i was!!.., go to his mums with the kids and  both of them would do it!... Yet my other Ex, my first husband calls me his best friend!!!...he is such a good guy, i could'nt see it at the time, (maybe the cheating on me with men got in the way?!!! ya think!!!..)
I am a shockingly bad judge of people.....best to just stay away and trust in God!!..He is perfect, never lets me down!

Thursday 25 October 2012

Passing of another faithful hound

the last of the litter has gone my old Yorkshire terrier has died half an hour ago,i year to the day that the other one from the same litter died,she was 17 half years old, and i had not taken her to the vet because i am pretty sick of all vets, i was feeling bad because she had Cancer for most of the last 11yrs, and the last vet we saw said she could not do anything else for her, so i thought maybe the breast Cancer was back, but knew the vet would just want to put her down, and not actually try to help her,i looked at her chest after she died ( she would not let me before) and there was nothing there! so i had felt bad for nothing FOR MONTHS! STUPID ME, FELL INTO  the enemy's trap again, she died just the same as her brother,i was on the phone when she went which annoyed and upset me,shed had some water this morning but just gave a polite lick of the food i offered her for the last 2 days, when her mum was run over she sat by her side all night until we buried her, her own daughter, also called Gizmo did not do the same tho!, she is sitting next to her now,i am sure she mist know she is dead, dogs do.i patted her on the head last night when she was walking around, thank you Lord for her, i know i will see them all again.

A different angle

Today i am grateful for the fact that i have a home,healthy sons and daughters,who all love me.Most of all i am grateful for my salvation,He is my all in all.Bullies and control freaks may try to win, but God has the Victory, and He is the only one i listen too! sometimes He speaks through others who i trust and i try to keep that in mind.
What has God taught me recently? mostly that He is always there, having spent time being on the Internet, around those who are Atheists i feel a little bit dirty from it, but i will try to turn what the enemy meant for bad into good, and pray for these Athiests!...
We went to a conference once about Prophecy, which was not helpful at all, but the man said something which i have always remembered, it was when the Enemy stops pushing you in one direction, be careful because he hasn't ceased the attack, but is coming from a different angle, so don't think he has given up!
There are some Bible verses which say that when a mans ways please the Lord the Enemy leaves him alone! i am not there yet!!

Monday 22 October 2012

'I love this family'

A man in a bad marriage,one he felt trapped into,blaming himself more that the person who he felt trapped him, does he deserved to be judged as Satan incarnate? I was there, i lived through 21 years of this train wreck of a marriage, the six week cycle of arguing, not speaking, making up, then the whole cycle starts again,and what ever anyone chooses to believe neither of my parents were happy, and because of it bad things were done by both.
Not just one.i saw both of their pain, mum wandering around the garden in the middle of the night trying to understand, Dad crying down the phone,i tried not to judge either of them, they were both in enormous pain.She felt he should stay because he had made a vow to her,he felt unloved and uncared for.
I felt very shocked by the things my mum told me about my Dad, why was she trying to undermine my confidence in Him?  Previously she had never criticised him,now she was turning him into Satan, telling me things, private things, trying to turn me against Him....She saw it as disloyalty to her for me even to have a relationship with him.
I know i adored both of them,i was not going to choose, they both  unwisely unloaded on me,in my 21 year old mind there was no such thing as black and white, i loved them both,but Dad never tried to turn me against Mum, and in fact in those long conversation's never said any thing bad about her at all, except  that he felt unloved.She on the other hand used to say, 'if your father really loves you he would do this or that,' setting him up to fail,to let us down,why did she do that? did she care about us so little?
It has taken a long time for me to come to a balanced view of my parents,my Dad bowed out of our lives,and i was very angry with him for that, but it was made impossible for him to see us, my Mum who previously had done nothing but defend him, had turned him into Satan.
My Dad is no saint,he freely admits he has made mistakes,he is an old man now, who seems happy, and has now been married to his second wife longer than to my Mum.
Being around people who venomously hated him affected me, i came to believe he was Satan too!
 I gave up going to Mikes grave with my mum and sister because she always made it a rant against Dad, i just wanted to think about Mike on the anniversary of the day he died!!!
There is a great danger in making you parents either Saints or Satan, because  they are just flawed Human beings, who make mistakes, like all of us, and of course,I am half 'Satan', because he is my parent too, so every bad thing said must be us too.......
Of course this whole mess was made worse because we were all suffering the Pain of losing Mike,which heightened emotions,its a pain you never 'get over',just learn to live with.
Mike used to say 'i love this family' with tears in his eyes, i know he is looking down on us now,what would he think about the way we have treated each other? more tears..... sorry Mike. You couldn't live your life,and the family you loved have just made it into a thing of Pain.
Shame on us.shame shame......

bully rides again,shame on you, shame on you

..and the Enemy is not going to win, or succeed in re-writing the Past, that I LIVED THROUGH, AS AN ADULT. whatever insults, or pain dredged up is not going to get me to react, (spoilt kids still screaming out' look at me', are not going to affect me in any way,!!)
If you read my post in December about 'Bullies' this will make more sense to you, the 'Bitch' is back, trying to re-write the past, she was 12 when it happened,was protected by everyone, who she now calls 'selfish self serving s**t bags.How can a twelve year old understand what is going on between adults?
 I have seen the truth, the way she treats those in her family, who are inconvenient or embarrassing,i notice on her blog she says, 'i made sure my mum had a christian burial'.Her word is law!!!...,  she will have her way!!! controlling!!!...
How do most self styled'disability rights activists' treat their family....,Do they treat the vulnerable with contempt,even to the extent of breaking the law,?( which states that no one can deny vulnerable people access to anywhere)
Calling HERSELF a disability rights activist!!!.., stands up to bullying, on her blog, but God help anyone who disagrees with her!.., her flying monkey supporters bully mercilessly anyone who dare disagree!...
 i could shame her in the media,bring down their self made house of cards, but i am going to turn the other cheek even though they say 'selfish self- serving s**t bags'
about my Dad  SHAME ON YOU.

He fights for us

Today i am grateful to God for a few days of peace from the Enemy, lovely day yesterday with some of my adult children, The Battle belongs to the Lord!, which was a song we used to sing at the church i was saved into.He fights for us, the only problem with that is that i always try to fight in my own strength, always waiting too long to give Him the fight!..Praise Him for who He is!

Saturday 20 October 2012

God is good....ALL THE TIME!!

Today i am grateful that God always gives us the Victory, Praise Him, i have been bugged by the Enemy, over the past few days, most annoying yesterday, also Sandra, who had a very annoying day yesterday, but through what the Enemy did Sandra met a wonderful Saint aged 90, who she is going to read scripture with, and can go and Pray with her! she lives near Sandra,so the Lord could be going to use both of them to pray for the Area, which has some problems!
Praise God, so the Lord has made her fruitful in the Land of her suffering, and i am hoping that will happen with me too! God is so good, i am so glad i am His daughter, and that He chose me, of course it is quite humbling to be chosen, its not through anything good in me though. God is good...and the people said....ALL THE TIME!...

Thursday 18 October 2012

Perfect Father

Today i am grateful to God because He is good... all the time! He never lets us down, however bad we are He just forgives and carries on Loving and protecting us,He truely is the Perfect Father. The best thing about being here is Him, Hallelujah.
My life has changed in the last few weeks,i guess the dream the Lord gave me about green pastures is coming true,i thought the other day i would have to give up more of my friends because of the Ex, but it seems to be o.k at the moment, God will guide me if that needs to happen, its been 9 weeks,i have restricted my activities outside the house, so there is nothing really he could do to be around me again!. He still goes to my daughters house, theres nothing i can do about that anymore,he did the best he could to ruin that relationship, and lost.I do still feel very scared and Intimidated by his behaviour, and really hate the fact that it affects where i go, but have to just accept it, one of the counsellors i spoke to about it said when i was angry about giving up the church that i had been going to for 15 yrs, said  that it would be hard but my safety must be the most important thing, i should feel safe,one of the last few times i went there i was leaving and the exit was covered by queing people,and he was in the way of the exit, i could not get past, it would seem a small incident to other people, but he knew i was there and was not moving to intimidate me, he is very tall, about 6'3, i am short at 5'3 but wide!!., he knew i was there,. He told me once he knew when he was intimidating people,especially women.I pushed past in the end,went outside but instead of crumpling in a heap, i decided i would not be intimidated and went back in!

Tuesday 16 October 2012

The Lord is in control

Today i am grateful to God that we can live in the Victory,He gives us the Victory over the Enemy, we get down, feel overwhelmed, but all we have to do is turn to Him, and we have the Victory, and the'sting' has gone!!
I have a few hard decisions to make,i know that the Lord will guide me right in this,i have worried before how bad situations would work out, but i just have to stand back and let God do it, and He NEVER lets me down, Praise Him!
I am getting over another Virus at the Moment,Ben is not sleeping until 3.30- 4.30am, i have stopped telling him to go to bed earlier,he is an Adult, and i just get shouted at, i used to really worry about not getting enough sleep, even got him some mild sleeping meds from the Doc,but i have had to learn to be easy going about it at the moment,the Lord is giving me the Victory!
My Bible reading this morning has all been on one theme, which is unusual because the are randomly chosen....Revelation, Isiah, the vision of Israels rejection of God, and the Judgement! i have to believe that God is in charge, even over which Bible verses come up randomly!

Saturday 13 October 2012

Marmite and the Beatles

Today, i am grateful to God for the Parents He gave me, as with most people, we had our difficult moments,but i could never say that they did not care for us, as they both tried to do their best in their own ways, both very different people, who had different types of parenting, but i am grateful for them both.
If i just concentrate on the early years, and not the later unpleasant times, they come across in my memory as the perfectly ordinary 1960's parents,i remember living in Belfast,my Dad making a dressing table for my Mum,it was a bit of an eyesore,but she seemed to love it! He surprised her with a washing machine,as she had been washing everything in the Bath,not easy with three children, one a baby, they seemed very happy to me then,it was an idyllic time.
In my diary from then i seem to be happy,some friends came to visit with a camper van, i remember eating marmite flavoured sticks, and the girl my age putting the radio on and we listened to the Beatles, first time i had ever heard Pop music.
My  Dad would read every night from the 'wind in the Willows' i still have the book, don't think we ever finished it, i read the 'Hobbit' to my two youngest, i didn't finish it either...Mike bit right through his tongue,the Baby would be put outside in the pram, with a cat net over it.
In 1963, i can vividly remember our arrival in London from Kenya, so cold, it must have been oct 4th, it was Mike birthday on the plane,we had to spend the night  before at Entebbe airport in Uganda, because the wheels fell off the plane, we had an emergency landing,i was awake, my Mum said don't wake up Mike,when i asked why all the lights were flashing,!!she was very Brave,on her own with two children, as my Dad had gone to London first
.He had skipped out so he didn't have to pay his tax bill!!
I can remember my Dad having a new Blue Ford Escort car,when he brought it home he took all the local kids for a ride in it.We had that car for so long, My Mum learnt to drive in in, and when we moved to Dublin,we were playing on a long beach, while my Mum had driving lessons from Dad, we were really pleased when she drove down the beach on her own to pick us up!!!..I really can't remember much of what my Mum did, out of the ordinary, but she was always there,as all good mums are, i was so consumed in my world, as most children ,she did have a cat which she loved,the bathroom window was left open, and the cat would bring her presents such as headless rabbits, we could not understand how the cat got it through the window, the rabbit was as big as the cat.!!
My Dad always said she loved to 'torment the cat', poking it when it slept! i always think of that when i see my dogs sleeping, and yes i do poke them too! When we lived in Nairobi we had lots of cats, my Mum always used to say that they would sit in a circle around my Highchair waiting for food to drop! Other people we knew had Elephants invade their gardens, so we weren't to badly off with just cats.

Tuesday 9 October 2012

Wonderful gift

Today i am so grateful to God for my family, my children, we all went out last night for a meal,and the best 4yr old in the world, my grandson Max!, I enjoyed it,my children are a wonderful gift from God. I m very grateful for them.
I really wanted to use it as a time to toast my Mum,did not work out too well, when i made the toast i couldn't think of the words i had prepared!!! So sad....
I can't remember where i heard it from,, but i wrote down ' the Lord rejoices over us with singing when we sleep when we wake we return the Praise back to Him'! Hallelujah

Monday 8 October 2012

To live is Christ

I am grateful to God today for God who rejoices over us with singing, while we sleep,and when we wake we return the Praises back to Him! hallelujah.
I have been stuck in the house a lot more than usual in the last month,which can be very hard, but then i get to the point where i don't want to go out,i fell like because i am not meeting with others too much that i do not have anything to share,and of course He does speak to us through other people, but with me anyway, the Holy Spirit is always trying to teach me, i mostly don't listen as i should, so it has been really great to listen to Him for a change! what have i missed, what a waste of time it is to not listen!, to live is Christ!
 I think i said before that the Lord was taking me through everything that happened with my Ex,stuff that i had really forgotten, or just put aside,it was painful,i was looking at some sites about Violent and controlling people, which did help too.
A few other people have said they have felt really tired all day too, so maybe it was some kind of virus or bug,but God used it to help me come to terms with plenty of things well buried!
I was talking to another lady at a prayer meeting, and she said that the Bible says that one particular verse, which said that if an Un-believing Husband leaves His believing wife, she is not bound,so she can marry again,as if she had never been before, my study Bible does say that  too, which i cant actually find now!
It was quite a shock as i had always thought that my second marriage was against the Bible, because my first Husband was still alive,my first had been adulterous first. So the next day i did a pretty intensive study, and i found alot to back it up. Since then i have looked again and gone back to my first belief! it may have just been the Enemy,but its quite strange!

Friday 5 October 2012

Praises

Today i am grateful for the fact that the Lord inhabits the Praises of His people,in this hard cold unloving world its easy to feel isolated, alone, which is of course what the Enemy of our souls wants us to feel,The Lord never leaves us alone,when we get up He is there, when we go to bed He is there,i was listening to a song yesterday, the words were, ' how can we hide from God who sees all?' to us as sinners its a bit scary that He sees all, but its comforting too!