Friday 29 June 2012
RIGHTS
And dr Phil and others i have listened to have always said no one can make you into a victim unless YOU let them,i WAS letting it happen,very sad...standing up for my 'rights',and wanting to get him in trouble was all revenge.
Peace..... and Puzzles?
today i am grateful for.....the precious gift of children,God has really blessed me there, and sometimes i feel guilty because i have five and some people cannot have any.
I STILL have the Peace!!!, and its more than that today, i have NO anger anymore the things that have been done to me, ( by the Ex), !!! i really cant understand why,i think maybe with my flawed mind that it could be that because it was a test from Satan, and the Lord told me the Judgement was over, anything that happened after that was not allowed,and my choice to let it carry on!!!...
And maybe i was hanging on to my rights in the situation,( of going to Mikes house) I have to accept that Mike made his decision, and did not choose me! and i was even wrong there because i was a little part of me that was pleased that Mike would not have meetings in his house,( a dream he always had.)!..I am ashamed, it was not nice of me at all
.Could it be that Pat was right and i am not supposed to have fellowship with Mike at all?.....So many choices!...but the Peace is wonderful....Praise Him
I STILL have the Peace!!!, and its more than that today, i have NO anger anymore the things that have been done to me, ( by the Ex), !!! i really cant understand why,i think maybe with my flawed mind that it could be that because it was a test from Satan, and the Lord told me the Judgement was over, anything that happened after that was not allowed,and my choice to let it carry on!!!...
And maybe i was hanging on to my rights in the situation,( of going to Mikes house) I have to accept that Mike made his decision, and did not choose me! and i was even wrong there because i was a little part of me that was pleased that Mike would not have meetings in his house,( a dream he always had.)!..I am ashamed, it was not nice of me at all
.Could it be that Pat was right and i am not supposed to have fellowship with Mike at all?.....So many choices!...but the Peace is wonderful....Praise Him
Thursday 28 June 2012
Peace....Peace....Peace...ahh. wonderful
Today i am grateful for Peace about the situation about the Ex,,last week i had spoken to the Police,and i was scared that he would never leave me alone,and was very angry that i had to stop going to church, which i had been going to for 15yrs,and not go to Mikes house again,now the Peace,which really does Pass all understanding!I examined the Judgement the Lord gave me in the Appeal i made to the Throne of Jutice and He said
' My Child Satan has asked to test you in this, the Test is ended now child, this Man will not bother you again.As before you have waited too long to ask for my help, I do not expect you to ever forget the bad done to you, but i know you have forgiven, and given many chances for change.I want you to live your life for me now, your loving Father'
The main thing that stood out to me was that it was a test from Satan, and it is ended so anything that happens after He said that is NOT allowed! ( and of course the Human side of me felt justified that i had forgiven!, but if i tell people that God told me that they may get out the Straight Jacket!!!)
I am still very curious about the Peace! why has it come now, could it be because i have given up trying to do something about the situation!...I cant see why...better not to try and understand the way Yahweh works! yet another situation where the kitten dream comes to mind...
' My Child Satan has asked to test you in this, the Test is ended now child, this Man will not bother you again.As before you have waited too long to ask for my help, I do not expect you to ever forget the bad done to you, but i know you have forgiven, and given many chances for change.I want you to live your life for me now, your loving Father'
The main thing that stood out to me was that it was a test from Satan, and it is ended so anything that happens after He said that is NOT allowed! ( and of course the Human side of me felt justified that i had forgiven!, but if i tell people that God told me that they may get out the Straight Jacket!!!)
I am still very curious about the Peace! why has it come now, could it be because i have given up trying to do something about the situation!...I cant see why...better not to try and understand the way Yahweh works! yet another situation where the kitten dream comes to mind...
Monday 25 June 2012
Selfish 'friends'
I have decided that Friday nights are going to be my nights, i have given up too easily the only time i have away from Ben,( one where i can do what i want, he is at his Grandpa's house on Sunday for an hour and a half, but i cant go to the Gym then) why do i give up my free time to others? Mike does not put me first!.. i am the Mug!...all the time i have given away!.....as usual i expect people to treat me the way i treat them.
I have been going to Mikes for years on a Friday Night, and yet when the Ex turned up again Mike said when i asked whether me and Darren could come round on Friday he said ' well Howard (Ex) sometimes pops in on a Friday,for a sandwich.....'( he told me later cos it would be embarrassing to have us both there, despite saying ' my dearest wish is to have you and Howard in the same room, worshiping together'......)
As i have said before he has chosen the Ex, and has no loyalty to me,why have i bothered all these years,it was the same with Avril, who was a close friend from years ago, i made one mistake and never saw her again! i took her on holiday,had her round every week, but most of all i really trusted her,and cared about her,and was really hurt when she just abandoned me, it took me years to get over that,i lost my confidence, did not go out to socialise(,i had run Meetings in my house, and yet when Andrew had us take turns running his meetings, even Mike noticed and said i had not got the same confidence) ....People Let us down, God never does. Praise Him!
I have been going to Mikes for years on a Friday Night, and yet when the Ex turned up again Mike said when i asked whether me and Darren could come round on Friday he said ' well Howard (Ex) sometimes pops in on a Friday,for a sandwich.....'( he told me later cos it would be embarrassing to have us both there, despite saying ' my dearest wish is to have you and Howard in the same room, worshiping together'......)
As i have said before he has chosen the Ex, and has no loyalty to me,why have i bothered all these years,it was the same with Avril, who was a close friend from years ago, i made one mistake and never saw her again! i took her on holiday,had her round every week, but most of all i really trusted her,and cared about her,and was really hurt when she just abandoned me, it took me years to get over that,i lost my confidence, did not go out to socialise(,i had run Meetings in my house, and yet when Andrew had us take turns running his meetings, even Mike noticed and said i had not got the same confidence) ....People Let us down, God never does. Praise Him!
MIND BOGGLING. and goodbye to selfish friends.
Today i am grateful for Gods word the Bible, and how much it shows God character and the way He has dealt with His people over thousands of years.( I am a young Earth Creationist, and believe the Earth is 6.000 years old, and also that the Bible is 4,000 years old, so i think that here is plenty of opportunity to see how God loves us.)
In my daily Bible reading today the new testament reading was the well known story of the Gentile Woman who begged help from The Lord, saying' don't the dogs eat the crumbs from the children's bread', of course Jesus here is talking about the Jews, and that the Gospel was meant for them, and not the Gentiles,what stood out most for me the this woman was asking for help for her child, it had never stood out for me before! It brings out to me several truths;
2 He understands me as a Parent, and how much i want my children to be saved and not come to any harm.Because He is a Parent!
.3. The Father Heart of God, who cares more than i for my children,!.. and the world, we are all His children, He loves everyone the same, even the ones who reject Him!!..( and we have all rejected Him at some time, even as Jesus says we have all Sinned, and anyone who says he is not a sinner lies.!)
I am trying to always include some personal stuff here, as i like to look back, and be able to relate this blog to the events that were happening in my life.
I found out the name of the Community officer, but cant find out where she is stationed at the moment,i told Mike that i felt he was being taken advantage of by giving his money away, and that some one who takes money from Pensioners is despicable.I am embarrassed to say i called him a 'Mug'!...then the same day i had a discussion with my Daughter, by text about the Ex,who was round her house,Surprise!He had told her that he has not tried to talk to me, i told her that he was lying and i had witnesses.!!!!..Was the kitten dream about her?, ( i tend to think its about lots of people! including me....!). in that dream i had not fed the kitten, What does that mean, mind boggles!..Lord give me interpretation Please!
In my daily Bible reading today the new testament reading was the well known story of the Gentile Woman who begged help from The Lord, saying' don't the dogs eat the crumbs from the children's bread', of course Jesus here is talking about the Jews, and that the Gospel was meant for them, and not the Gentiles,what stood out most for me the this woman was asking for help for her child, it had never stood out for me before! It brings out to me several truths;
2 He understands me as a Parent, and how much i want my children to be saved and not come to any harm.Because He is a Parent!
.3. The Father Heart of God, who cares more than i for my children,!.. and the world, we are all His children, He loves everyone the same, even the ones who reject Him!!..( and we have all rejected Him at some time, even as Jesus says we have all Sinned, and anyone who says he is not a sinner lies.!)
I am trying to always include some personal stuff here, as i like to look back, and be able to relate this blog to the events that were happening in my life.
I found out the name of the Community officer, but cant find out where she is stationed at the moment,i told Mike that i felt he was being taken advantage of by giving his money away, and that some one who takes money from Pensioners is despicable.I am embarrassed to say i called him a 'Mug'!...then the same day i had a discussion with my Daughter, by text about the Ex,who was round her house,Surprise!He had told her that he has not tried to talk to me, i told her that he was lying and i had witnesses.!!!!..Was the kitten dream about her?, ( i tend to think its about lots of people! including me....!). in that dream i had not fed the kitten, What does that mean, mind boggles!..Lord give me interpretation Please!
Friday 22 June 2012
Monster, ...and desperation...his sneering face
Today i am grateful for better health for me today,I am ready to talk about the stuff that has been painful over the last week, obviously everything that has been painful pales into insignificance compared to my Grandson Max being ill, he is now out of hospital, so don't have to be as concerned about him now.
On Friday after Sandra's friend John became a Christian in a meeting we went to Mikes house to introduce Mike to his new Brother, it was late,nearly ten o'clock, I was expecting Mike to be back as he had gone out but was usually back by then,i had driven past and saw that his car was not there so rang the house and Angelo said he should be back any minute,i had seen a bike outside the house, but it had not registered that I knew the Bike,so when Angelo let me in I walked in quite confidently, on my own in front of the others, I really jumped when I saw the Ex Howard sitting there,walked round the coffee table and straight out of the room,the most distressing part is that he started to talk to me,'how are you' blah blah blah'. This is the first time he has done this,its now 10 months since he had the Solicitors letter, telling him, and I quote'
'We are instructed by the above named who instructs us that you have over the past year or two been attempting to contact her to speak to her.Our Client has made it quite clear to you that she wants nothing more to do with you and regards your approaches as harassment
We should be obliged therefore if you would please ensure that you make no further contact with our client and should you fail to heed this letter then our client will have to consider applying to the court for protection and we trust that this will not prove to be necessary'
I am really trying not to get overwhelmed by this situation, I spoke to the Police, who were as unhelpful as always,in fact i only warranted a Community Officer, who recommended I get a better solicitor!!....It appears as usual in this Society that Men can behave as they want and a Woman has no Right to have protection from unwanted Male attention.
Its probably my own fault because i have forgotten the Name of the Officer who came round last October! I will ask tonight, when i take Ben to Youth Club.( Ben talked to her about it,she said she had been trying to talk to him for 6 years.....she is the one who said if he tried it again she would speak to her Sergeant)
On Saturday I was really upset, and had a chance to talk to Mike about it,to tell him how upset I was about it,he said Angelo apologised,( it was not his fault as it is Mikes house and its not up to him to say who can and cant come round.) Obviously Mike has put me in this situation, by Choosing the Ex over me, (when he knew Exactly what i had been through in this situation, I told him,and also that it was all done deliberately.to try to get me 'back) I don't think he would expect his other female friends to be in the same room as their Rapist, but of course he thinks I am really just not forgiving, he asked me that, and was satisfied I was not.He does not realise that I was saying to him that I would not come to his house again....
Max got ill on Sunday,Tuesday i went to the hospital with all three of my sons,and met my daughter coming out and she said ' Howard is with him' and offered to tell him to leave, I did not expect her to do that, but she decided to anyway!!! I did not feel as scared as usual, because the boys were there. And they gathered round me to go in a protective bubble! But I did see his sneering face.. When he saw me with my Sons round me..he didn't have that sneering face when we were on our own, which shows me he knows I am scared of him.So the Upshot is that out of the Seven times I have gone out of the house in the last two weeks he has appeared THREE times...
On Friday after Sandra's friend John became a Christian in a meeting we went to Mikes house to introduce Mike to his new Brother, it was late,nearly ten o'clock, I was expecting Mike to be back as he had gone out but was usually back by then,i had driven past and saw that his car was not there so rang the house and Angelo said he should be back any minute,i had seen a bike outside the house, but it had not registered that I knew the Bike,so when Angelo let me in I walked in quite confidently, on my own in front of the others, I really jumped when I saw the Ex Howard sitting there,walked round the coffee table and straight out of the room,the most distressing part is that he started to talk to me,'how are you' blah blah blah'. This is the first time he has done this,its now 10 months since he had the Solicitors letter, telling him, and I quote'
'We are instructed by the above named who instructs us that you have over the past year or two been attempting to contact her to speak to her.Our Client has made it quite clear to you that she wants nothing more to do with you and regards your approaches as harassment
We should be obliged therefore if you would please ensure that you make no further contact with our client and should you fail to heed this letter then our client will have to consider applying to the court for protection and we trust that this will not prove to be necessary'
I am really trying not to get overwhelmed by this situation, I spoke to the Police, who were as unhelpful as always,in fact i only warranted a Community Officer, who recommended I get a better solicitor!!....It appears as usual in this Society that Men can behave as they want and a Woman has no Right to have protection from unwanted Male attention.
Its probably my own fault because i have forgotten the Name of the Officer who came round last October! I will ask tonight, when i take Ben to Youth Club.( Ben talked to her about it,she said she had been trying to talk to him for 6 years.....she is the one who said if he tried it again she would speak to her Sergeant)
On Saturday I was really upset, and had a chance to talk to Mike about it,to tell him how upset I was about it,he said Angelo apologised,( it was not his fault as it is Mikes house and its not up to him to say who can and cant come round.) Obviously Mike has put me in this situation, by Choosing the Ex over me, (when he knew Exactly what i had been through in this situation, I told him,and also that it was all done deliberately.to try to get me 'back) I don't think he would expect his other female friends to be in the same room as their Rapist, but of course he thinks I am really just not forgiving, he asked me that, and was satisfied I was not.He does not realise that I was saying to him that I would not come to his house again....
Max got ill on Sunday,Tuesday i went to the hospital with all three of my sons,and met my daughter coming out and she said ' Howard is with him' and offered to tell him to leave, I did not expect her to do that, but she decided to anyway!!! I did not feel as scared as usual, because the boys were there. And they gathered round me to go in a protective bubble! But I did see his sneering face.. When he saw me with my Sons round me..he didn't have that sneering face when we were on our own, which shows me he knows I am scared of him.So the Upshot is that out of the Seven times I have gone out of the house in the last two weeks he has appeared THREE times...
Wednesday 20 June 2012
Max is Better
Max is a lot better today, but he was taken to hospital on Sunday, with Breathing problems.God really answers prayers,Praise Him.So that is what i am Grateful for today.Very Very Grateful. Other Painful things have been happening,but dont want to talk about that yet, Just so grateful to God for Max's recovery.Nothing else matters.
Monday 18 June 2012
In- between places
Today i am thankful for the in-between places,as i watched my son wave goodbye to me, and set off to his friends house, as a Mum i was anxious about him going alone,all the things that could happen to him rushed to my mind, mugging stabbing road accident,my loved ones do these things all the time and i don't know about them, and they are safe.I thought about the journey, one he has done many times, and i remember thinking when i was younger about the tedious everyday things we do and have no memory of doing.In one of C.S.Lewis's books he talks about the attic in a house,as a still silent place, everything else in the life of the house goes on,those places are always there.he was talking about this because the attics were all connected and open, so the Children could go into any house through them.
So today i am having to focus on the tedious everyday things,the things that bring me comfort when life is overwhelming,and too difficult to face, the attics, the journeys,Cant face my real life today.
So today i am having to focus on the tedious everyday things,the things that bring me comfort when life is overwhelming,and too difficult to face, the attics, the journeys,Cant face my real life today.
Sunday 17 June 2012
feeling well , sparrow
Today i am grateful for another day of feeling well,had a great talk with Mike yesterday,it old him how sad i was about the night before, and of course we agreed that he cannot stop the Ex from coming round, i don't think he really understood that i wont be able to come round to his house....dreading that...he asked me to go round there last night after the meeting....
What is happening in my life now, i have been trying to get to the caravan every day for six days,star my elderly yorkshire terrier is still going, very dodgy on her feet,a bird was in the house last night must have come in at least three hours before, when i had the front door open ,i managed to get it into a bin and let it go out side, it had been so quiet,for three hours and then started flying at the window, very strange, it looked young and was thin
What is happening in my life now, i have been trying to get to the caravan every day for six days,star my elderly yorkshire terrier is still going, very dodgy on her feet,a bird was in the house last night must have come in at least three hours before, when i had the front door open ,i managed to get it into a bin and let it go out side, it had been so quiet,for three hours and then started flying at the window, very strange, it looked young and was thin
Saturday 16 June 2012
Party in Heaven......and sadness
I am grateful today that we have a new brother in the Kingdom today, Sandra's friend John became a Christian last night, the Angels were having a party in Heaven!Praise God, i am almost overcome by sadness today,cant stop crying....We called in to Mikes house last night to introduce Mike to His new brother and My Ex was there, i just walked into the room and he immediately started to talk to me, which he could have got arrested for,Sandra said i had gone really pale.( most women would who come face to face with their rapist)...
I am sad because this means i now cannot go to Mikes house, yet another place, Mike has made his choice, he is so desperate to have meetings at his house,he has plenty of friends now so it won't matter to him if i am not there.I am not sure he actually wants to have christian meetings there, there does not seem to be much prayer at these meetings,just socialising, i can socialise at any time, when i go to Prayer meetings i want to Pray, and seek the Lord.
I am sad because this means i now cannot go to Mikes house, yet another place, Mike has made his choice, he is so desperate to have meetings at his house,he has plenty of friends now so it won't matter to him if i am not there.I am not sure he actually wants to have christian meetings there, there does not seem to be much prayer at these meetings,just socialising, i can socialise at any time, when i go to Prayer meetings i want to Pray, and seek the Lord.
Wednesday 13 June 2012
Scam artists, and cake
today i am grateful for.....getting to 54! not unscathed but got here!.feeling miserable and bad tempered today, NO idea why!...probable too much cake and bad stuff to eat yesterday! oops...i have to face getting a bad tempered Son to the caravan today, i would have gone yesterday but felt ill,but all my kids wished me a happy birthday,Nathan, Joe, and Zannie, with Max came round too, so i was blessed.
I suppose it was the Lady in Newtown Elizabeth who annoyed me, when i said i wasn't going to a meeting there yesterday she was a bit rude, and said she really wanted to see a woman i was taking with me! I wont go there again, if she wants to be taken in by a woman who accepts money from Pensioners, for her' Missions', thats up to her...she's got someone else to give her a lift anyway,theres more money to be sucked out of people....Christians are so gullible. Very sad!....
I suppose it was the Lady in Newtown Elizabeth who annoyed me, when i said i wasn't going to a meeting there yesterday she was a bit rude, and said she really wanted to see a woman i was taking with me! I wont go there again, if she wants to be taken in by a woman who accepts money from Pensioners, for her' Missions', thats up to her...she's got someone else to give her a lift anyway,theres more money to be sucked out of people....Christians are so gullible. Very sad!....
Saturday 9 June 2012
just keep walking away....
Today i am grateful for answered Prayer! Praise God, Yesterday we prayed for a friend of Mikes, who was getting depressed through lack of work, and he was offered a Job less than a hour later, its really encouraging, it really gives us a boost, i am sure many others have Prayed for him too, and i don't for one minute think that i have some sort of 'hotline to God'! , but nevertheless still encouraging!
I have been reading more of the story of David and Saul today, Davis has now come withing striking distance of Saul twice now and not struck! very interesting!....maybe the lesson is that when a person is hated unjustly that we are not to retaliate! in the new testament Jesus says to turn the other cheek,David did not retaliate,in any way,he just left,maybe that is my lesson in this whole situation, just to keep walking away,because trying to get justice has certainly NOT worked!!...trying to justify myself, or even explain has not worked either,reactions were, 'oh that's so romantic' (that he is a crazy stalker),or 'you are not forgiving'...strangely almost exactly word for word what he used to say!.. co-incidence? NO...
I have been reading more of the story of David and Saul today, Davis has now come withing striking distance of Saul twice now and not struck! very interesting!....maybe the lesson is that when a person is hated unjustly that we are not to retaliate! in the new testament Jesus says to turn the other cheek,David did not retaliate,in any way,he just left,maybe that is my lesson in this whole situation, just to keep walking away,because trying to get justice has certainly NOT worked!!...trying to justify myself, or even explain has not worked either,reactions were, 'oh that's so romantic' (that he is a crazy stalker),or 'you are not forgiving'...strangely almost exactly word for word what he used to say!.. co-incidence? NO...
Tuesday 5 June 2012
Jubilee
Today i am grateful for...Being British, i am proud to be British, and it has been inspiring over the last few day, to be involved in the Jubilee, our Queen has reigned over us for 60 years! My Mother was named after her, and my name is a derivation of her name too,its been a sort of tradition to name oldest girls ELIZABETH in our family since 1933! and although i did not follow the tradition, my sisters oldest is Elizabeth,and my second daughter is Lysbet, which is what my Mums Dad always wanted her called, and called her that til the day He died! I just thought he was not saying it right!!..
When i was watching the Flotilla going down the Thames i was overcome by Pride at this spectacle, the horrified at the craziness of so may people getting soaked!... then there was a rather strange moment at the end of some Operatic Singers in a both opposite the Queen singing to her!!! Hilarious.... the commentator called it Eccentric!
When i was watching the Flotilla going down the Thames i was overcome by Pride at this spectacle, the horrified at the craziness of so may people getting soaked!... then there was a rather strange moment at the end of some Operatic Singers in a both opposite the Queen singing to her!!! Hilarious.... the commentator called it Eccentric!
Sunday 3 June 2012
Spears,and behaving myself!!..
Today i am grateful for....a good nights sleep..Praise Him. In my Bible reading today it was talking about David and King Saul,David had killed the Giant, and before he even returned to see the King, who he had not met before, people were praising him, he was a young boy after all,women were making up songs, saying'Saul has killed his thousands and David his tens of thousands' Saul became jealous, and the Bible says 'God sent an Evil Spirit to him', then he tried to kill David by throwing a spear at him, and then hoped the Philistines would kill him.Davids reaction was most interesting to me, and i Think the Lord is drawing a parallel between my situation with my Ex and Me,David 'behaved himself' before Saul, after dodging the spear!!!..
So what does that phrase' behaved himself 'mean in my situation? He obeyed the King and went out to lead the Armies,and others observed his reaction to the Spear, so i must assume he did not talk about the King doing bad things to him.(he made a close bond with Saul's son Jonathan, and Saul's daughter loved Him too), was Saul jealous about this too?
So David did not react or retaliate in any way to any of Saul's actions, people observed this and maybe trusted God more because of the Good example set?
Wow, amazing example to live up too! Praise Him
So what does that phrase' behaved himself 'mean in my situation? He obeyed the King and went out to lead the Armies,and others observed his reaction to the Spear, so i must assume he did not talk about the King doing bad things to him.(he made a close bond with Saul's son Jonathan, and Saul's daughter loved Him too), was Saul jealous about this too?
So David did not react or retaliate in any way to any of Saul's actions, people observed this and maybe trusted God more because of the Good example set?
Wow, amazing example to live up too! Praise Him
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