Sunday 24 July 2016

Obsession

I saw the end of a documentary about the British film director, that Vile human being, Alfred Hitchcock,who made some films in the 1960's,i don't really like his films,there is already enough true stories about women being killed without made up films!( Why anyone would actually watch a woman being murdered and enjoy it it beyond me?... unless of course they are Abusive Criminals and we all know that that is enjoyable to them!!, they pursue this life choice EVERY DAY, in fact dedicate their life to it!!).. abuse is nothing to joke about of course,but its o.k to laugh at Abusers!! in fact the more we do the better, perhaps not a very Christ like thing to do though!!
Stalking and Obsession is not a nice thing to joke about either, not to those being Obsessed about, but i can as I was once subject to this, i refuse to be called a VICTIM of!( because it make us look like a weaker more vulnerable "mark", and takes away from the criminals who do this Crime.).
Men who do this are controlling, and if a woman dares not to be controlled, as Tippi Hedron did, they will do the best they can to Re-assert control, Hitchcock told Hedron he would ruin her career, and he did succeed for a while, he wouldn't let her out of her contract to do other films, for the few years left on her contract, because she would not sleep with him.
I was stalked by an Ex husband Howard,who systematically set about trying to invade every area in my life, Church, Family,and for a while the whole unfairness of the situation did drive me to into hiding.But i know the Lord has other plans for my life, and Howard is a very small blot on the landscape for me!!, a mere insect buzzing for a few seconds, and just as fast forgotten!
I am a worthless Sinner but God has given me the strength to Live my life For Him,and i can never stop being grateful to Him for that.

Tug of War.

What a strange co-incidence, i managed my first solo stand yesterday, and i had 22 hits on my blog! one day last week not one single person viewed it and the day i do my first stand i get 22, weird!!! it seemed to go very well, it was a trike rally event, at a country pub about 13 miles away from here, most important of course that we gave out 8 biker bibles and had some good conversations,so Praise God for that! it was a very hot day,but we had plenty of shade because of the Gazebo, it was a lovely family atmosphere and Mike and Geoff's team won the tug of war!

Tuesday 12 July 2016

Evil

I have spent a lot of time, far too much time trying to work out why i have been treated like s**t, by some men, only two,why are they so nasty,so cruel?, i fell into the old trap that they were abused themselves, neglected etc,some maybe they have,but i have decided from long life experience that they are Evil, that's all... no complicated psychological diagnosis!.

They won't change, it works too well for them, they like to watch their victims in Pain..Its enjoyable to them, the nub of pure Evil.To watch weaker innocents in pain,its what drives serial killers, sadists,and their Father is Satan, they are out there doing their fathers work.Just like Jesus said in the bible,they are of their Father the Devil!!..I have read a lot of the stuff that is out there about abusers,many many books,all with their own theories, and yet its so simple, it just comes down to that one word!!.EVIL.
Why is it so hard to just say it?,people in the World,the non-believers want to explain it away! have all these complicated diagnoses,..Narcisistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder,Schizophrenia,you can take your pick, its SIN, its a CHOICE, not beyond their Control, its about Control.
I am so sick of all the words,names, excuses,explanations, and meanwhile the Evil laughs! his smokescreen has fooled for so long!

Wednesday 6 July 2016

Inside the Abusers mind....,( very personal stuff, never shared before).TRIGGER WARNING.

Abusers:..need to win,Isolate victim,need to control
Abused: ..feels guilt- so keeps secrets.

I am going to share some very personal things that happened to me when i was living with my Abusive husband,Howard Shellard.I don't want to do this, as its personal,but its a way of letting it go, and being Public maybe someone who is going through this now may be helped in some way.

"A Controlling Personality would always want to hurt You at EVERY moment"

Yes its a shocking statement!...normal people don't enjoy hurting others!---so obviously;abusers aren't "NORMAL! they are Psychopaths, the modern name is Sociopath's, which is a softer word, somehow less extreme, making them seem less dangerous,it doesn't. Abusers are DANGEROUS,just look at the numbers of Women killed every year by men who told them he "loved" them.

I found the following in an old notebook from 2012,i felt it was the Lord leading me through the bad memories so i could let go,and i have with His help;(We had been split up for a about twelve years and divorced)

It was my birthday,and some of my friends wanted to give me a little party, Howard had got himself into the fringes of the Group,so he was invited,but not by me!, he gave me a copy of his favourite Music artist Warren Zevon, i was stunned when i opened it, because when we were together i had told him i hated it! but its just the same as when we were together, i would go to bed early because i was tired from looking after kids,he would come to bed when he wants, (usually 2 am) and wake me up and then expect hours of Sex, and would be irritated if i fell asleep!!:..i.e-; Selfish behaviour, (not MY needs, just his, he has no concern for my welfare.) I became weak through lack of sleep,and i became easier to control!.Later i went onto anti-depressants,which helped me to cope very well with the marriage! as i couldn't feel any emotions..ANOTHER GIFT TO AN ABUSER........THIS COMES UNDER THE HEADING OF;..FORCED INTIMACY;do i wish to be with someone like that? a controlling personality with all the TEMPER TANTRUMS?,(i.e. his nephews wedding,when we were driving there he was shouting and screaming at me,i swerved badly and wrecked the axle on my car. His mums 80th birthday party was the same,he started shouting, and in the end went on his own, which was his plan from the start!)..
CONTROLLING ABUSERS, CANNOT SEE OR BEAR THE VICTIM HAPPY!

HOW WOULD I HAVE WANTED HIM TO REACT?
..."Lifted" song?( he mocked it, and hated it because it made me happy), HE SHOULD HAVE reacted; "its great you find that so inspiring"
SNOOKER TABLE,his friend was delivering a snooker table,to his house,( we weren't living together then,but were having another try at reconciliation.) and it was arranged for a day when I had asked for, and he promised, his support with a difficult situation .He refused to change the time." i wont change this, and my friend may not be able to make another day" were his actual words..( didn't even ask his friend!!!).my reaction was,internally only, i am not as 'important as a snooker table to you').This was the start of the end for me.

HOW WOULD I HAVE WANTED HIM TO REACT?
"OF COURSE! I will change the delivery day, NOTHING is as important to me as you, i understand how you might feel a bit nervous meeting E***e,he is a mental patient after all"
I was struggling hard with the desire to ring him and try to explain all this to him,and how it makes me feel less important than a snooker table, but he is incapable of seeing my point of view. I resist the temptation! even now years later!, to think of him as "thick "he is in fact cunning, clever and manipulative. How else could he succeed in upsetting me!(i have higher education level than him).Yes it has been a comfort to think of him as a "thick" person,but its being an ostrich,it makes me feel safer thinking i am cleverer than him..i can "out think him", so i wont be killed by him,SO I WAS TRUSTING MY I.Q, NOT GOD,my life is not in Howard's hands, it is in the Lord! He will decide the day i die.
Did it work when i told him it hurts my feelings when he only washed and shaved when he was seeing his ex-girlfriend and their baby? (I made sure i explained fully, he understood perfectly). NO! IT DIDN'T WORK. HE DID EXACTLY THE SAME THING NEXT TIME! HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS, AND REFUSES TO WORK ON OUR RELATIONSHIP...

So i have to face the facts; He did not want me to be happy, ever, even for the few minutes listening to "lifted"..he enjoyed winding me up, putting me down in front of others, teasing, tormenting me, seeing me in pain.

Incident at the caravan?.2001.
I was very tired after driving a long way(,during the last go at reconciliation) and was setting up everything in the caravan, very busy, and distracted,he was playing football with Joe,who was about 10, in a very large field away from the caravans, as they played they drifted nearer, i asked them to keep away from the Caravans , as some were very expensive,after the third time i asked, HE SCREAMED "You treat me like a child".He was acting like the spoiled child! but i had NOT been asking him in a "parental" manner,but as nicely as i could, maybe i was not as guarded as i usually was because i was tired. So i failed to "manage him" as well as usual!! (I packed up the caravan and drove straight home,in silence,took him to his house, and that was one of the last times i ever spoke to him. We did not say anything all the way home and he sat in stunned silence! ) the worm had turned,he had let the mask slip, and even though he had not been violent to me (in that last chance end of the relationship time) he just couldn't keep up the "perfect act"!!..
SO...if another Adult asked me several times to do something how would I react?..I would apologise and stop the first time i was asked .He did not do it because I ASKED HIM!! therefore he does not see me as worthy, or entitled to "ask" him anything, though i asked ,NOT "told",he sees it as me forcing him. He is saying he does not have to listen to me...
How would he treat another person asking him?.., would he say"sorry mate, i will move away from the caravans" At the Christian camp we went to he Cried when he was told by a guy he was in a restricted place,another time he Cried when he was told by a man he was not supposed to be in his garden!

WHEN HE SAYS TO ME "I don't need to listen to you, I ALWAYS know what you are going to say" what is HE really saying?

1. Admits he doesn't listen

2. He is saying i am not WORTH listening to.

3. I am boring and repetitive

4. Patronizing as he sees himself as"all knowing"

5 Implying "nagging"

6 Dismissing my hurt feelings as just NOT IMPORTANT.

So last time i gave our relationship another go,12/13 years ago,it wasn't just the previous Violence,( WHICH DIDN'T HAPPEN THAT TIME),OR the threat of it happening again, it was purely his contempt for me,which was so hard to take. When (years later) another guy told me, he is "stalking you because he thinks you will eventually take him back",i was thinking to myself, WHY is he so desperate to have a relationship with me when there are no good memories, or happy times to draw him back in? but that is expecting him to think as a non controlling person,HE HAD happy memories because his wants were fulfilled!!...( In fact he even said that himself!! not directly to me of course!!,years later,2011/12 when he was Baptised,he chose it to be at the seaside where the caravan is!!, where he said he had a lot of" happy memories", i said to the person who relayed this to me , "the rest of us who were there with him don't have any happy memories, because of him!!"I even asked the kids and they agreed!
So he must see relationship as what? ..Just Sexual?..fulfilling his needs?...does he even know me? does he like me, my personality?
NO!!.. Does he love me? NO!......ITS OBSESSION, so he can make me into his version of me..HE HATES ME..the real me, the person deep inside ...He wants to destroy ME, MY SPIRIT, MY WILL TO CHOOSE MY LIFE.

more next time, its getting too much now!!..i need to have a break and do something completely different!!. Its not because i am angry with the way i was treated all those years ago, i have forgiven,God has helped me to let it go, Praise Him.


Tuesday 5 July 2016

Prey

I have been thinking a lot recently about the different perceptions of women and men,i wouldn't touch, pat or caress any part of another human beings body, (that i am not related to),is it just me? have i got an overlarge area of personal space? Are men more "touchy feely" than women, or is it that as some feminists say we as women feel like Prey animals?,even in his book "the gift of fear" by Gavin Becker,it says that women have a greater instinct to mistrust others,in the queue at the post office a man stood uncomfortably close behind me, and even though i had been reading up on how to shame them verbally into retreating, i said nothing! but being defiant i did not move an inch,because i felt he was trying to make me move forward, i probably read it wrong, knowing me!
I am out of the house more,and interacting with other people i have come into contact with a lot more men than before,and the social graces are a puzzle to me!.I just thought it was bikers that hugged!
These men are ones i work with to get out the Gospel, and i would trust them with my life,but it just highlights to me that Women's bodies are NOT a no go Zone,and even when we are old and fat,because i have arms put round me,kissed patted hugged, have my pony tailed pulled![happened twice, once by a previously very highpowered retired Ex Policeman!],and have my waist length hair stroked,my cross on my CHEST picked up and examined...another one took off a chain which was attached to my waistcoat front! while i was wearing it!, its not sexual,these are Born again believers,its a puzzle!!
I did not come from an affectionate family AT all,so it was weird to get used too!..But when a very large leather clad Biker gives you a bear hug there is not much you can do about it!! Please don't get the idea that i mind all this affection at all,its just puzzling! must just be men being more affectionate than me!!
The Lord in His gentle way has used this to heal some last vestiges of the past with me,its not many years since my lovely teacher at college reached up to get something from the cupboard above my head and i cringed onto the floor,because he is a Man,so today (12.9.16) it really is GLORY to God,He has healed me so much!this aspect of the whole thing never really was understood by me!! in fact because God has done this in His GENTLE WAY, without me even knowing,from that incidence at College, to the point yesterday when Brian wanted to show someone i was part of the C.M.A, So flattened out my hoodie to show the c.m.a.logo on MY CHEST!! it was on my mind all day! and i finally know why, because God has healed so much of the past and i didn't hit the floor!!GOD is so good, Praise Him!