I have come back from a wonderful few days at the coast,it was a wonderful time, the field was completely empty and one day i woke up really early and just lay in bed and watched the wildlife and the clouds going by! a few times i have been watching birds and they have completely disappeared into the clouds, well i thought they were bird but i have some dots in my eye lenses which are there all the time but sometimes i forget and think they are birds!!(by next week,or it may be the week afterwards, the caravan site will be full of people, no peace at all!)..by 12 noon yesterday i had spent 7 hours driving,nearly a third of the day,because yesterday i went to a meeting of the West Midlands c.m.a,its was supposed to be an hour and a half journey, which tuned into almost a two hour journey!! looking on the map at home it was only four miles away where i got lost!! annoying!
So i woke up this morning feeling "wheezy",(with Asthma), so i have missed Church, i was going to go to a small local Methodist Chapel, where the Pastor of Biker Church was preaching, i am feeling slowly better, so may go along to the Event today at Lynn's Raven Cafe, the local Bikers Cafe,where they are doing a world record atempt for the most Female Bikers in one place, its a national event,so i will see if Ben's up in time!
Sunday 16 July 2017
Tuesday 4 July 2017
Damaged goods, security blanket and the B.M.F.
I have been going through some testing times, I don't really know why, I have made sure I have been studying the bible every day,which I have not been regularly enough at all,I am still struggling with the thought that I am going to spend the rest of my life alone, I miss sharing my life with another person, but the whole idea is also terrifying to me,I have said in my testimony that I have been healed,from ALL the effects of being a beaten wife,being cheated on,and the effects on my children of having the Dads they have....but then this comes up..i don't know what to think, i have never felt this before...
I think that when I came back to Him (the Lord) and gave Him first place in my life, (and because the Bible says women who marry when their ex husbands are still alive commit adultery,) I thought I would never have to face these feelings again, other single Christian women I know are really interested in men, and want to be married, was I abnormal not to have those same normal women's feelings?... it's been twenty years since I last lived with a husband... years ago I would be lead by lust,rush into the physical, feel guilty and try to justify that by then having a relationship and have to struggle when it was wrong, i was treated badly, and then stayed too long...sometimes I still feel like my standards were too high....,I gave respect and love,always to be betrayed, either by being beaten, or by them going to someone else and lying about it...So even though I have forgiven Mark for cheating and me having a terrible time after that.
So its a confusing time!!! the doctor has said i should go to the Gym, which i have started,because my breathing has got a lot worse...and i have been diagnosed as being "severely disabled", because of my getting breathless,of course the doctor blames my weight, even though i was 2 and half stones heavier and my breathing was better!, but its not expensive,so i am doing it, but even that has made me feel insecure, its almost as if my weight is a security blanket to keep men away, and if its gone what then! its completely terrifying..
We did the national road rally last weekend, i stayed there all night,until 3.30 a.m,which was an achievement for me, everything was o.k at home, Darren slept on the settee downstairs,Ben was fine, and so were the dogs! so i was so excited to have the time away!
I think that when I came back to Him (the Lord) and gave Him first place in my life, (and because the Bible says women who marry when their ex husbands are still alive commit adultery,) I thought I would never have to face these feelings again, other single Christian women I know are really interested in men, and want to be married, was I abnormal not to have those same normal women's feelings?... it's been twenty years since I last lived with a husband... years ago I would be lead by lust,rush into the physical, feel guilty and try to justify that by then having a relationship and have to struggle when it was wrong, i was treated badly, and then stayed too long...sometimes I still feel like my standards were too high....,I gave respect and love,always to be betrayed, either by being beaten, or by them going to someone else and lying about it...So even though I have forgiven Mark for cheating and me having a terrible time after that.
So its a confusing time!!! the doctor has said i should go to the Gym, which i have started,because my breathing has got a lot worse...and i have been diagnosed as being "severely disabled", because of my getting breathless,of course the doctor blames my weight, even though i was 2 and half stones heavier and my breathing was better!, but its not expensive,so i am doing it, but even that has made me feel insecure, its almost as if my weight is a security blanket to keep men away, and if its gone what then! its completely terrifying..
We did the national road rally last weekend, i stayed there all night,until 3.30 a.m,which was an achievement for me, everything was o.k at home, Darren slept on the settee downstairs,Ben was fine, and so were the dogs! so i was so excited to have the time away!
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