Good weather

I am sitting on a very warm Welsh hillside,its going to be 80f today the sun is in at the moment,i have such a hard life!! i do feel a bit guilty when so many people have to be stuck in work, but we have so little good weather in this country, so we have to take the opportunities when we can, and i havent been able to come here because of my broken wrist..Chris and Clare are starting their new career running a Residential Caravan site.

Change..

Everything is changing with the local Christian Motorcyclist Association,the Chairman and vice chairman are both having to move away because of work...at first i found it very unsettling, but i know it means i am doubting God, He is in this!!I am going through a sleepless period again! and its not even Ben's fault!! At Tashies farm their Grass is being harvested to make animal feed for the winter, two fields worth of Grass!its just an insight for me!...Nathan has got a job in administration at the local hospital,Tash needs to find work,she has a job at the hospital too, working in the kitchen, but hardly ever has any hours, to work.
Zannie has had a job for years working in a big shop, selling household and dress making materials.Joe is working full time at a local furniture re-cycling warehouse. So that's all good news, they are productive members of society!... the only fly in the ointment is that i have put on weight...8 kilos..but i am not the weight i was when i started this two and a half years ago! and i am going to try really hard to get back on track, with the lords help, as always!!

micro managing,un forgiveness and the Poison Dwarf....

I have just been thinking about how i try to micromanage others,i feel i have to be responsible, that people need my help,but really i think they cant manage without me!!, then i started to think that if things go wrong after i haven't helped others that its my fault, and it made me remember being with abusers who blamed some lack in me, for their actions,or any of their behaviour! ( my Mum too ,when i made a mistake would always find fault in me,what "had i done wrong?", when i was followed by a predator as a child and the Police came to my house to interview me,she wasn't proud i reported it,she just got angry that i would have to stand up in court and be disbelieved...misplaced worry for me?..,when i took my children to a local beauty spot and encountered a flasher,she said I was wrong for being there alone, without a man to protect me!!....)
My sister wants to make my Mum out to be a flawless saint who never did any wrong!! She did to me!!, she was an ordinary woman who made mistakes! she even admitted it and said she was sorry for the way i was treated! Goodness knows how hard it is to be a Parent!!, i do and i am very glad the Lord gave me the mother He did, with all her flaws!!, its a shame my Sister has no forgiveness and want to keep on fighting my Mums battles, she has gone, and SHE forgave, why cant she....and that they want to hold my Dads previous faults against him, and carry on the bitterness and un-forgiveness into yet another Generation, sad, sad ,sad..Mum would not have wanted that for Any of those she loved.So i am finished with Micro managing!!with the Lords help anyway!!

Sunday again!

I cant believe its Sunday again, time really does fly, last Sunday i spent most of the day in hospital with Ben who had taken an overdose, not to kill himself,but because he has been seeing things in his mind about films he has been watching, not even horror films,but a film with Kurt Russell called "Breakdown",and in his muddled reasoning the Epilepsy medicine helps him not to have the "waking dreams",and thinks it will help him not to obsess about things!! We are having a biker church today at a Biker Cafe about 20 miles away, at Lynn's again, so i will be taking the equipment! its great to feel useful! will update before i post this! Yes it was a great meeting, then i went out for a meal with some of the kids!so a great day and weekend,its great to be able to drive again and today we are going to the local C.M.A meeting in the next county and i will be getting the laptop back and should be able to do some of the work as secretary!!

Denise

Its late at night!.. 1 a.m here in England and i have just finished watching an inspiring t.v program,i watched an old episode of "Heartbeat" this afternoon, its a Police series set in Yorkshire in the 1960,s, its just a picture of sleepy village life in rural England,a woman was shot while standing in a car park with four other people,by a sniper at a distance of 250 yards,of course the bullet was meant for someone else and we are shown a woman returning to her home and her husband who is there , he is the local Gamekeeper.
I immediately knew he was the Murderer and the bullet was meant for his wife!!...i wish i wasn't always suspicious of the husbands, but unfortunately its always true... later on it is revealed that she has been having an affair, so of course the implication is that 'she had it coming'...The program later on a local christian channel,U.C.B,united christian broadcasters,was about forgiveness a young Pastor called Dean tells the wonderful inspiring story of being able to forgive his step father for murdering his mother Denise,Dean had spent 13 years with great un-forgiveness and in fact had wanted to kill Bob his (ex stepfather),he sought out Bob,and we see them meeting and interviews with some of the other people in Deans family talking about the impact of the Murder on them, also Bobs daughter, who has a restraining order against her father, because in her words" i don't feel safe around him"...and "how could he kill someone he seemed to genuinely care about"...
Deans sister explains how impressed she is with Dean, but does not feel able to make that commitment.Dean is an inspiration, and was very worried because Bob does not know how to forgive himself, which he says many times through the program, the trouble is the Bob like all abusers does not really think he SHOULD forgive himself, because he does not feel he has done anything wrong.Later he tells Dean about the night when it happened about the argument before, how deans mum Denise had been going square dancing with another man,instead of spending time with the kids, which he had agreed to,then changed his mind, how she had spent too much money, and how he had calmly gone and got a baseball bat and hit her four times,after the first time she said "why", he didn't understand why he did it...He did not show any emotion, or guilt when telling the story, in fact recounted it as if he was telling an everyday story of going to the shops....i was encouraged that his present girlfriend had in looked into his past, and had decided not to continue the relationship,she was the daughter of the local sheriff, and that is how she was able to find out, he had kept his past a secret, and kept moving around.

Ego versus humility? self esteem versus Dependence on Him?

What a day!, i am just back after spending all day in the hospital, but i don't want to talk about that today,I am a dirty rotten sinner,in the worldly view i am "putting myself down", the world thinks i should have self esteem, a big Ego to shield myself against the affects of my sinful nature,We have the Holy Spirit,our conscience,who convicts us when we sin.do i believe the worlds opinion of me, or do i believe Gods? He loves me unconditionally and as the God who made the Universe, made me i should love myself and all His creation? Everyone dislike those type of people who are puffed and very satisfied with themselves, who don't strive to be better, in fact those who blame others for every failing in their lives,a typical abusers attitude! "i am entitled".... to treat others with complete disrespect and contempt,to be stepped over to get to the top,fighting always against the others RIGHT, to determine their own lives, make their own choices!..

Praise meeting tonight

Wow what a night!...very strange,i wasn't sleepy until about 1 a.m which is unusual for me! ben was his usual unpleasant self,shouting i was tricking him when i finally went to bed,and slammed his bedroom door..he was awake until 4 a.m,the old dog nipper was barking to go down stairs TWICE, the third time i just fell back to sleep!every hour i was woken up by something.and the next door neighbours dog was barking out side at 6.30 a.m, which woke me up so i just gave up and got up then! Yes it is annoying, but i was reading back to the start of this blog and my most creative times with writing about abuse and the Enemies tactics are those sleepless night so maybe the enemy is not so clever?.., (he is, of course!!.),we are going to a Praise meeting tonight, i don't know if that was what it was all about. Very strange..its only a week now until i have to see the doctor about my wrist and i just hope it will mean i can have the cast off!

The mayor, and the Bishop!

Its been a quiet few weeks,Since we had a stand at the local agricultural show, the town bishop was there, and surprisingly was getting "stuck in" with all us common people!! a really nice down to earth guy, later on the local Mayor was posing for pictures on the motor bikes! so it was a very interesting time,Christian Bikers seem to be the fashion in the local Christian world at the moment, people are falling over themselves to have us at their meetings at the moment...strange!!but nice too, its great to be recognized by our peers, but the main purpose to all we do of course is to get the gospel out to unbelievers!the weather has been strange, its been so cold until today and its really too hot today...and i have a new netbook, or notebook i am not sure what it is called, but i feel a lot less cut off from everything as my laptop is in for repair, setting it up to use for the cMA,and it is really great, i am so fed up with my ipad ,10 hours of charging for about half an hours use!,

More mundane stuff, and lovely time with Dad

God is good all the time, life is very quiet, haven't had any meeting for a week or so,but a busy weekend coming up soon,I had a great time with my Dad last week,we went for lunch! He was on his usual form very charming, and seeing as he is eighty that's really good! Of course we try to avoid talking about the past, life is too short, thank you Lord for this restoration!