Its full moon again so no one is sleeping in my house tonight!! i haven't been checking when it is so haven't done the border, i have lost my Calendar with all the full moons on it! Every night for the last week i have seen the moon get fuller and thought its 'not there yet!!..' not quite there yet,even tonight it didn't seem really full, but when i came back i checked on the internet for dates!!..of course with Ben not sleeping we are hardly ever out of the house when it it daylight, like Vampires..and there have not been many meetings over the past week,and they are usually in the evening anyway, of course this time of year there is not much daylight anyway,it gets light around 7.am, and dark at 4,which i guess is 9 hours!!it will get darker still, until the shortest day which is the winter solstice on the 22nd of December, so although it is depressing, in fact its only about 3 and a half weeks till we get more daylight!!
I have been making the untidyness of the house not so much of a big deal for me, the Enemy knows this used to be a big area in my life where guilt and shame were massive,and to be honest now its not such a problem to me i cant really understand it looking back...it was so deep and such a secret shame!,i was really doing the Enemies work for him!.. i used to think that it would be so hard to let people into the house, and it really was for me, i built up what people said about it being untidy to such a shame, such a huge thing, what a waste of time!! and its a bit strange how much it has changed!! its not a hang up any more, and it was really bad!!
I know it started with Jon making comments, little sly ones like, "its your house, as long as YOU like it", little drops of poison!!... i know i felt some sense of deliverance recently, which i have not felt for years too, that must have been when it went!! i don't have to let anyone in my house, and the way that the Husky (Suki) jumps up at people and has to be kept on a lead all the time, make it difficult to have visitors anyway!! so it released something in me,maybe its not such a perfect thing, my house,but i never hated it until others said stuff about it!!, so i compared myself to them,(i remember once in a radio play, "someone said that artists house is a mess, artists always have messy houses" what a revelation to me!!)
I am a very innocent person it has taken me all my life to work out how other people are, i find others fascinating, and in my darkest hour i did put that down to being 'Aspergers' which i am not,( a vile person i am genetically linked to decided she thought i was on the spectrum), and of course the so called 'state' of the house was one thing she used to justify this!!..I have been in her house, and like Ken,my ex father in Laws house, it is so clean, and sparkly that its really uncomfortable to be there!!, i feel like i am making it untidy just standing there!! but that's the way the controlling abusive people in the world judge women, (looks and housekeeping).
If they decide to have a house (not a home) that looks like a hospital,or a museum,that is their choice! (Just don't expect anyone to feel comfortable in it)!!.the other people who have critised my house?, the most recent one, being a HOARDER,whose house you cant actually walk around except a tiny path through high cliffs of plastic boxes, (which her mother made her buy, previously it was just 6 foot piles of things).
In a way i suppose i am just falling into the old trap of saying" you don't have a right to criticise me because you are not perfect, and do , a ,or b ,or c sins yourself"!!, which is totally wrong as a Christian! its Judging others!! which is of course the trap the Enemy of our souls WANTS us to get into because it is Sin and forbidden by by the Word of God!
The years of abuse had changed me into a self blamer,i didn't used to be like that, i was a placid peaceful soul, who saw good in everyone and never judged others! I was perfect abuser fodder!!!.. i am so thankful that the Lord has freed me from this He is SO good!! maybe i am just so tired (with not much sleep) that i don't really care about the whispering voices (of condemnation), or too tired to hear them, that's not true!
He has dealt with them, i don't really want to blame abusers for anything anymore! these sad pathetic losers have no power to control any more, BUT, then again i am not going to fall into the trap of pitying them either,like some psychologists, who say " they have been bullied,abused", like they are not responsible for their actions!!NO NO NO! (abusers laughing hysterically and high five-ing in the background)!!.. they had a choice every time they chose to raise a fist,or open their mouths, to spew out vile destroying words. God has given them free will just like the rest of us!!.I suppose what i am very badly trying to say is that they are small...insignificant..in my life.. i get angry sometimes when another loser raises there ugly head, but it doesn't and cant change me anymore!! and they soon disappear back to their father, Satan!!.
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