The Monster, and spoons

Feeling very fed-up today, went to the church service this morning, did not even get through the door,' i have to warn you' said the nice lady on the door'your ex-husband is there today' heart sinks, feels sick,my two sons tried to encourage me to go in, but i ran away like a coward again,at least i suppose i didnt faint this time, like a few weeks ago on a sunday evening and as i walk in the door i see that familiar bald spot, and white hair, i just got outside and fainted, the nice women took me round the side of the church through another door, and gave me a cup of tea,until i was able to drive home. 'Try to come on Sunday mornings, he never comes then' so next sunday went on sunday at 10.30, wonderful service and time of fellowship, but there was someone there who is a friend of his, and must have told him,so this Sunday! there he is, 'you could go to the other side of the church, away from him' said the lady on the door, but that would involve walking past him and the front of the church, and i could not trust my legs not to let me down ( literally) again.
I am a christian, not a good one mind you, so i have forgiven the Rape, domestic violence and the abuse, and violence towards my ( then) 5 and 6 year old boys. But how can I forget, should I physically scoop the memories out of my Brain? I really wish i could, i dont want to have nightmares, and faint when i see him!...some people have said that because i faint i cannot have forgiven,i actually have no animosity towards this man, this is a totally UNCONTROLLABLE PHYSICAL REACTION.but these are people who have never been raped or beaten up so what the F'''''''k do they know? If you want to know more about this story, read the carewrite blogspot.com, and scroll down to the 'Monster' story.I have been to the Police,who said they could do nothing unless he actually threatens me,the fact that he eventually turns up EVERYWHERE i go IS VERY threatening seems to escape them.!!!!.. well i suppose its back to the Solicitor again, although the letter from them a month ago to him seems to have made no difference to his behaviour.