Abusers:..need to win,Isolate victim,need to control
Abused: ..feels guilt- so keeps secrets.
I am going to share some very personal things that happened to me when i was living with my Abusive husband,Howard Shellard.I don't want to do this, as its personal,but its a way of letting it go, and being Public maybe someone who is going through this now may be helped in some way.
"A Controlling Personality would always want to hurt You at EVERY moment"
Yes its a shocking statement!...normal people don't enjoy hurting others!---so obviously;abusers aren't "NORMAL! they are Psychopaths, the modern name is Sociopath's, which is a softer word, somehow less extreme, making them seem less dangerous,it doesn't. Abusers are DANGEROUS,just look at the numbers of Women killed every year by men who told them he "loved" them.
I found the following in an old notebook from 2012,i felt it was the Lord leading me through the bad memories so i could let go,and i have with His help;(We had been split up for a about twelve years and divorced)
It was my birthday,and some of my friends wanted to give me a little party, Howard had got himself into the fringes of the Group,so he was invited,but not by me!, he gave me a copy of his favourite Music artist Warren Zevon, i was stunned when i opened it, because when we were together i had told him i hated it! but its just the same as when we were together, i would go to bed early because i was tired from looking after kids,he would come to bed when he wants, (usually 2 am) and wake me up and then expect hours of Sex, and would be irritated if i fell asleep!!:..i.e-; Selfish behaviour, (not MY needs, just his, he has no concern for my welfare.) I became weak through lack of sleep,and i became easier to control!.Later i went onto anti-depressants,which helped me to cope very well with the marriage! as i couldn't feel any emotions..ANOTHER GIFT TO AN ABUSER........THIS COMES UNDER THE HEADING OF;..FORCED INTIMACY;do i wish to be with someone like that? a controlling personality with all the TEMPER TANTRUMS?,(i.e. his nephews wedding,when we were driving there he was shouting and screaming at me,i swerved badly and wrecked the axle on my car. His mums 80th birthday party was the same,he started shouting, and in the end went on his own, which was his plan from the start!)..
CONTROLLING ABUSERS, CANNOT SEE OR BEAR THE VICTIM HAPPY!
HOW WOULD I HAVE WANTED HIM TO REACT?
..."Lifted" song?( he mocked it, and hated it because it made me happy), HE SHOULD HAVE reacted; "its great you find that so inspiring"
SNOOKER TABLE,his friend was delivering a snooker table,to his house,( we weren't living together then,but were having another try at reconciliation.) and it was arranged for a day when I had asked for, and he promised, his support with a difficult situation .He refused to change the time." i wont change this, and my friend may not be able to make another day" were his actual words..( didn't even ask his friend!!!).my reaction was,internally only, i am not as 'important as a snooker table to you').This was the start of the end for me.
HOW WOULD I HAVE WANTED HIM TO REACT?
"OF COURSE! I will change the delivery day, NOTHING is as important to me as you, i understand how you might feel a bit nervous meeting E***e,he is a mental patient after all"
I was struggling hard with the desire to ring him and try to explain all this to him,and how it makes me feel less important than a snooker table, but he is incapable of seeing my point of view. I resist the temptation! even now years later!, to think of him as "thick "he is in fact cunning, clever and manipulative. How else could he succeed in upsetting me!(i have higher education level than him).Yes it has been a comfort to think of him as a "thick" person,but its being an ostrich,it makes me feel safer thinking i am cleverer than him..i can "out think him", so i wont be killed by him,SO I WAS TRUSTING MY I.Q, NOT GOD,my life is not in Howard's hands, it is in the Lord! He will decide the day i die.
Did it work when i told him it hurts my feelings when he only washed and shaved when he was seeing his ex-girlfriend and their baby? (I made sure i explained fully, he understood perfectly). NO! IT DIDN'T WORK. HE DID EXACTLY THE SAME THING NEXT TIME! HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS, AND REFUSES TO WORK ON OUR RELATIONSHIP...
So i have to face the facts; He did not want me to be happy, ever, even for the few minutes listening to "lifted"..he enjoyed winding me up, putting me down in front of others, teasing, tormenting me, seeing me in pain.
Incident at the caravan?.2001.
I was very tired after driving a long way(,during the last go at reconciliation) and was setting up everything in the caravan, very busy, and distracted,he was playing football with Joe,who was about 10, in a very large field away from the caravans, as they played they drifted nearer, i asked them to keep away from the Caravans , as some were very expensive,after the third time i asked, HE SCREAMED "You treat me like a child".He was acting like the spoiled child! but i had NOT been asking him in a "parental" manner,but as nicely as i could, maybe i was not as guarded as i usually was because i was tired. So i failed to "manage him" as well as usual!! (I packed up the caravan and drove straight home,in silence,took him to his house, and that was one of the last times i ever spoke to him. We did not say anything all the way home and he sat in stunned silence! ) the worm had turned,he had let the mask slip, and even though he had not been violent to me (in that last chance end of the relationship time) he just couldn't keep up the "perfect act"!!..
SO...if another Adult asked me several times to do something how would I react?..I would apologise and stop the first time i was asked .He did not do it because I ASKED HIM!! therefore he does not see me as worthy, or entitled to "ask" him anything, though i asked ,NOT "told",he sees it as me forcing him. He is saying he does not have to listen to me...
How would he treat another person asking him?.., would he say"sorry mate, i will move away from the caravans" At the Christian camp we went to he Cried when he was told by a guy he was in a restricted place,another time he Cried when he was told by a man he was not supposed to be in his garden!
WHEN HE SAYS TO ME "I don't need to listen to you, I ALWAYS know what you are going to say" what is HE really saying?
1. Admits he doesn't listen
2. He is saying i am not WORTH listening to.
3. I am boring and repetitive
4. Patronizing as he sees himself as"all knowing"
5 Implying "nagging"
6 Dismissing my hurt feelings as just NOT IMPORTANT.
So last time i gave our relationship another go,12/13 years ago,it wasn't just the previous Violence,( WHICH DIDN'T HAPPEN THAT TIME),OR the threat of it happening again, it was purely his contempt for me,which was so hard to take. When (years later) another guy told me, he is "stalking you because he thinks you will eventually take him back",i was thinking to myself, WHY is he so desperate to have a relationship with me when there are no good memories, or happy times to draw him back in? but that is expecting him to think as a non controlling person,HE HAD happy memories because his wants were fulfilled!!...( In fact he even said that himself!! not directly to me of course!!,years later,2011/12 when he was Baptised,he chose it to be at the seaside where the caravan is!!, where he said he had a lot of" happy memories", i said to the person who relayed this to me , "the rest of us who were there with him don't have any happy memories, because of him!!"I even asked the kids and they agreed!
So he must see relationship as what? ..Just Sexual?..fulfilling his needs?...does he even know me? does he like me, my personality?
NO!!.. Does he love me? NO!......ITS OBSESSION, so he can make me into his version of me..HE HATES ME..the real me, the person deep inside ...He wants to destroy ME, MY SPIRIT, MY WILL TO CHOOSE MY LIFE.
more next time, its getting too much now!!..i need to have a break and do something completely different!!. Its not because i am angry with the way i was treated all those years ago, i have forgiven,God has helped me to let it go, Praise Him.
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