I have just been reading the post from february 4th about praying for healing, and the awful neighbour's leaving,the ones that moved in were really nice,they had a baby a few months ago, and didn't leave it to scream in the middle of the night either!! like the last ones did, i think they were stoned!!Ben used to bang on the wall...
Its been a difficult few days,Ben took another overdose and we spent the night in hospital, he is fine now,last week Andre came to stay at Mikes house,so i have mixed feelings about that too! They weren't very nice about Mikes house,he has been on a high since then, which i am hoping wont turn into anything worse...and he has gone back to his old habit of reporting in every day, after talking non-stop asking me what i have been doing, then talking over me at the first opurtunity, his friend from Germany has been doing the same, and sounds surprised when i say after ten minutes of a totally one sided conversation,"i have to go,cooking, visitors", something better to do!!
I am trying to be understanding about Mike,and thinking to myself..."well he is a good friend, always helps with car problems", so i will give him a bit of latitude, THEN he says something which freezes me on the spot..."i had a lovely time of fellowship with Howard today" STUNNED SILENCE FROM ME. which of course he doesn't even notice!..too busy talking over me... then i was so horrified with myself for sharing with Mike about how i was really feeling and struggling to forgive, people from the past who thought it o.k to interfere with my life now, (Jon and Howard of course),Howard was in a photo on facebook at his ex-wife's house when his son and daughter in law were visiting from China, with Howard and Rebekah's first Grandchild,what did bother me was that Howard had Max standing in front of him, Tash had told me He had said he wanted Laurie to bring the Baby to Zannie's house,so he got his wish just in a different place.
Fake Grandchild and real grandchild in the same place!!
Last week i was worried that Howard was going to take advantage, of Andre being up to use that to" accidently come round when i was there", that didn't happen but the Enemy has not been slack in finding a way to use Howard to try to get at me,never mind all the rest of the stuff.
Of course the worst part of all this is the fact that Andre is going to court because he has been accused of squeezing a woman's boobs.. they are all outraged at this woman for "lying about their friend"....whereas I am there having been raped, beaten,Stalked, and lied about for years,by one of their friends!!!..but i cant say anything without being judged, as unforgiving!!
I have felt that the Lord does not want me to Challenge or even talk about this to Mike.
So again this week i am facing another turning point with these "friends", do i drop them? do i give into the trap the ENEMY HAS SET!the almost impossible bind he has me in!..its going to take me a few days to process this, at the moment i feel so overwhelmed, and want to never see any of them again...because being friends and trusting them with my struggles, which i know for certain have been told to a person who despises, and would Physically hurt me in any way they could get away with!
I am SO ANGRY,that i have allowed the controllers access to my life by leaving this chink open...this weakness..THIS BELIEF that these people really 'cared about me', and that i could just avoid being where Howard was likely to be....its not worked, in fact has failed SPECTACULARLY...
I have not spoken one word to Howard in five years, but my every action, share or thought,he has known,have i been fooling myself when i thought that the Solicitors intervention in 2012 has actually stopped him?, or the threat of arrest had stopped him? I SEE WITH A SICKENING REALIZATION that my proud boasts of being "free" ARE NOT TRUE.I CAN NEVER BE FREE WHEN HE HAS ANY ACCESS TO ANYONE WHO I TRUST, with my most intimate thoughts and struggles,with my walk with the Lord.
I have chosen not to have this person in my home,or have any kind of relationship with him, because he IS DANGEROUS TO ME, but why why why cant i get him out of my life...
Its the next day, i have spoken to Sandra,i said it really 'hurts my feelings that you are friends with someone who raped,beat me up , and stalked me'.I have spoken to Mike and said the same thing.I have spoken to Andre today, but felt there was no point in saying anything to him, because i never see him, and the last time he was here i didn't want to see him at all. Sandra listened, but started to talk over me as usual!!,so she didn't really HEAR ME, at all!!...
I did talk to Mike for a while,( i don't feel the same check in my spirit to not say anything), i emphasized that' i would not be friends with anyone who treated him like that'. So its done,with pretty much the result i expected, and i feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I feel free, i don't have responsibility to them anymore, i don't have to go to meetings just because they want to,i don't have to think about them, worry about them! its over, i have not lost anything, because they have not been real friends anyway,and were being manipulated by Howard, and refused to listen when i told them, just like Zannie...
Captain Awkward ( the advice blogger) has summed it up for me by saying "Friendships have to be able to withstand boundary setting and communications, that certain behaviours are not cool,like you are 'hurting my feelings', or ..that thing you do is not o.k can you stop it?. If you are always biting your tongue when your friends hurt your feelings what you have IS NOT A FRIENDSHIP"
Mike has just rung me back said he was praying, and had got the phrase " a root of bitterness"!!! which did annoy me because obviously it was me !! just like all "victim blamer's" turning it round on me,i call him out on his betrayal,but its turned round on my supposed "bitterness".!!classic!
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