I have been going through an unsettling time in the last few weeks, some things, MORE things from the past have popped up, and i feel really un-moored because i may have unwittingly offended someone really important to me, even if I have not actually offended them, i may have said something which could be taken wrongly,and i assume all this because i didn't get a 'like' to a comment i made on Facebook...so i may not even be right about this...!! all very cryptic, i will explain if it is in fact true and i am not being super mega sensitive, which is really possible....but i somehow have this sinking feeling its not!
It takes me time to work out answers, i feel like a detective sometimes and just take small comments, and work them round from all angles,sometimes for days,i.e,I had Howard say to me once" I am not doing anything wrong, but if i was i would be too clever to let you know about it" (he went out saying he was meeting his friend Danny, and swore he was not meeting his ex-girlfriend,but when i rang Danny hours later, he said in passing, "i have been hanging round with an old friend today and a lovely lady, actually said "bit of stuff"!!,but he was at home then,(before mobiles), and Howard wasn't back,...at the time i didn't see the significance! I had been suspicious and had dragged the kids round every place i could think of he would be in town, to catch him out! but in vain!
I hate having a suspicious nature,I really really hate it,and it usually takes a while for me to get suspicious, but i'm like bloodhound when i get the spine crawling suspicion and wont let it go!! To be honest i think the Lord has given me a sixth sense about this,i am not clever, and I don't have Aspergers, BUT i can get very obsessed about being lied to, and i am ashamed to confess that i have gone through boyfriend and husbands pockets, and listened to phone conversations, (one pocket search showed up a til receipt,showing the date and time that Howard had been to a Town 20 miles away, in the few hours I was away at College, to buy the latest C.D from a famous group in the Nineties, Oasis,"Whats the story? Morning Glory" over the next few days i even said the name of the album, out loud a few times, in a whimsical way, just willing him to own up...he didn't of course!! the weird thing is the planning he had to do to go on the train, and rush back and pretend he had been there all day!!, never mind the money he spent was meant for food for the kids, and the fact he wouldn't get off his behind and go out and work!....and buy his own c.d's.
Some old memories have been brought up, and the horrifying realisation that all the things I have been through were because my husband Mark couldn't be faithful, i hate to blame him, but in Gods eyes its his responsibility. God holds men responsible for their wives well being,that was so upsetting,to accept that fact was really hard, i feel my mistakes,AND choosing to trust Howard and Jon was MY choice,but i have to accept Marks choice to have sex with someone else has led to some really really bad things happening to me...he has admitted,( not directly to me though) that it was him having sex with someone else,a man, that caused the marriage break up, which was good of him, but i have never let the natural course of his choices come to those conclusions before...
I don't have any bad feelings towards Mark, or unforgivness, or even anger, just sadness for a lost opportunity, a lost relationship, and my kids growing up without a normal family.I still cant bring myself to be angry with him.I do know though that he made those choices,and hated himself for it,Howard and Jon made their choices to beat, rape and emotionally and verbally abuse me, BUT they are not sorry,at all for hurting me, and continuing TO THIS DAY, if they could!
I made my choices! though i don't want to be a victim here,but i chose to not let it continue,(later than i should many times...),but i made every single one of them leave me and the kids after they betrayed me! and weirdly i am proud that i did it!! And most of all, and BEST OF ALL the greatest Love of my Life has healed me of any of the effects of these "choices" could have had on me, He has proved Psychiatrist's wrong who expect me to be a nervous wreck when i even tell them a small part of what Evil "choices" have been done to me!!
I am a miracle!, a walking talking Miracle!! but only because of the best "choice"I EVER MADE! You can make that choice too! turn to Him, its the best thing you will ever do! the best choice You will ever make, your life will never be the same again, you may not get the same miracles i have, but you will have your own Miracles,and best of all you will never walk another step alone, and will feel the most overwhelming, unconditional Love there is in the whole world, He is waiting for you to turn to Him, don't waste another second, no human, no mother or father, no child, will ever love you like He does! He knows you, He knows your thoughts, and loves you still, He knows every hateful thought you have ever had, every bad thing you have ever said or done, He KNOWS IT ALL,AND STILL LOVES YOU PASSIONATELY!
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