dark days, doing the enemies work for him....

Its a bad day today,i am feeling so alone, and hard done by, a 'pity' party as the americans say,i feel like i suspect most Rape victims feel that however much i tell the truth, i am not believed, my own children except for Ben dont believe me......i am feeeling pretty suicidal....i dont even really feel angry at the stalker, and i am not able to name him today,i feel he does not deserve humanising, because although stalker is close to death, in a few weeks, and yes he did this to me, i am not able to forgive him today.....absolutely awful i know, God DOES NOT WANT THAT!,BUT TODAY THAT IS AS MUCH AS I CAN DO...God SEES ALL AND I KNOW He UNDERSTANDS ME ENOUGH TO KNOW I WILL SAY SORRY FOR THAT...SO TODAY I DESPISE the STALKER.....because of choices that the stalker made i have been stripped of all the relationships i cherish in my life...i wish i knew if it was done delibrately...but i think it was just stalkers selfish needs which mattered most....his opinion that i dont get to make choices about MY life, that i dared to break away from him... Do i believe the stalker is evil? i dont know, but whatever i believe it doesnt change what has happened..i dont really care about the stalker, as i have always said the stalker is just an irritating bug that sometimes comes to memory for a few seconds and is gone just as fast... So how am i guilty too?...what could i have done? i suppose i should have made a fuss and told people...but i did tell those close to me...i didnt go to the Police then, but when i went years later it didnt do any good anyway..it changed nothing..i feel the same as i did in 2012, when i was too scared to go out of the house...i felt haunted by the stalker...i was haunted..but when i told people it didnt make one bit of difference..old friends who knew me as i hope an honest person didnt want to get involved.... Maybe its my fault because I am too innocent? , we are told as kids, to always tell the truth.i am not a good liar..really cant lie..I am not clever enough..if i reacted with anger, i am called CRAZY,so whatever i do and say its really no good, i am just a 'liar' as my daughter has said directly to me, and the other daughter has said she believes me, but i have proof she doesnt behind my back...i dont know if i am strong enough to stand up and fight this again, i feel i cant hold my head up around anyone, and i am walking around with Liar tatooed on my forehead... i suppose i will feel better tomorrow,if i dont no one will know...or even really care..except Ben,today i choose life because of him,i choose to do the best i can for him...like many other times i wanted to die, and if it hadnt been for my kids i would have...the cowards way out...i didnt care, i just want the pain to stop... " Mum falls out with more people more than most people do" say my daughter, i thought was supportive of me....i can honestly say i cant remember an instance when i fell out with anyone who wasnt abusive to me..now i sound like a narcisist!...the most recent 'falling out' wasnt even that! over a year ago i was told i was stepping down from my role in the Christan Motorcyclists, by someone i thought valued me, my friend who i had stayed in the organisation to support...i didnt argue,i didnt complain, i just left at the first oppurtunity..... Citing the fact that the person who looked after Ben for me, so i could go to meetings, had moved away...of course i was hurt,but i havent told anyone that...so it comes down to really feeling bad today, as most women do who have been stalked, beaten, and raped do on a lot of days, that nobody REALLY has 'our back',that the Abuser will always win, despite anything we can do. i dont know how unbelievers deal with it, hopefully they have support, good friends who know they dont lie, i dont have that,but i do have Someone better,God sees all,He knows the truth.