Backwards Days

I was thinking maybe this blog/diary should be called the everyday struggles of a bad Christian!!!.. maybe not even "struggles " but failures...but then i would seem to be always moaning and whining!.. so its 3.54 am and i am lying in bed, trying to sleep and wondering WHAT has been wrong with me lately, and the completely un-connected thought, why i am not racist like other people in my family?,( i want to say heroic things like ..my generation in the 1970's all collectively, decided that the previous generations attitude was so wrong and silently Vowed not to bring our kids up like that)!!.
In the town where i live there are not many black people, even now its a surprise to see, this is a very backwards,county town, in the seventies there were no Arab people, no Asian,and Chinese people were here,but just one Restaurant, which my friendship group used to go to, but a lot of people looked down on! Maybe it was just me who hated some of the older generations Racism? my grandfather frank bailey who (coined the phrase, "down memory Lane" in a song which he sent to a producer in the B>B>C, who later claimed it as his own!) he was a terrible racist,until he actually met an Indian,at work who he really liked, and after he died, his son Noel was talking about how he had really wanted Noel to meet a really great Nurse who had looked after him so well, so when a black Nurse started to walk towards Grandpa's Bed the next time Uncle Noel was there, he was worried in fact got in a cold sweat!!,but of course it was the Nurse he had so wanted him to meet!..it suddenly occurred to me why i am not like them!but i had a black Nanny in Kenya when i was a child!, i spoke fluent Swahili.
Then i think to myself i "will have to ask Dad about that"...then i remember..i am living the nightmare that i used to have after Mike , my brother died,(where i dream about him, and we are all back in the old house with my mum and Dad, and the dog!,and i wake up and for a few seconds i think he is still alive)...So avoiding the U.C.B Irish Christian channel, or t.v programs about Ireland haven't worked,pretending it hasn't happened has not worked, so now six months after he died, i am hiding at home,doing nothing all day because i have no energy, missing out on a great new caravan, because i cant face the swearing shouting of my autistic son when i say we are going.
I just don't have the energy...even as i write this i have a tear sliding down out of my right eye. there is just nowhere deep enough to push this stuff, and with Helen not being Healed yet,and her writing on her pad that she loves me the other day, i had to say to her "you will make me cry"...and then remembering she only lost her Mum in August, and what she is going through now with her illness,and the dream i had about being in the car with her....and with... and with... and with?...other stuff i cant talk about yet, the last few weeks it has all come to a head.
I have been casting out spirits of doubt, illness left right and centre but still felt so bad, but it has just struck me when praying that i have to give myself a break, and expect to feel low for a while.I have had depression in the past, but when i came back to the Lord and felt the old feelings coming back i took it as an attack from the Enemy, prayed hard, and did not take any more medicine, i knew that taking medicine when i was living With my violent abusive Husband,Howard, which worked very well, because it took the edge off the anger and resentment,a gift to an abuser.. maybe that's why they call us all crazy,so we will get on the happy/feel nothing pills and put up with them and THEIR S**T!!i better add this to the abusers school post!