nobody told me there would be days like these...November 2021

Strange days indeed!! Its been a strange month, a woman i was talking to for a while on the phone and email,Julie,she is a housing officer for Joe,turns out to be someone i have known for years,shes been to a lot of the churches i have been to over the years! we werent friends even though our daughters were! I was expecting a stressful time with Joe who was in a foul mood, because he had to get up early,and i ended up meeting another believer,when i introduced her to Joe," this is Julie who is a worship leader" which completely changed his mood as he didnt feel she would judge him! my reason for doing that was i didnt want any swearing!, later on that week i met Harry in town, they were on the High street, Pete was preaching, and Harry was handing out tracts. So why is God putting these believers in my way? it is significant, when Howard lived here in this house he was 'haunted' by God, whenever he went out of the house he bumped into a believer...i think God wants me to get out there,and THEN i got an email about the Flower show asking if we were willing to do the baggage claim!!!,so He still has plans for me! I wont be part of C.M.A, and the new Chairman did ring and ask me if i would, but i know i cant be a part of them anymore,they way people were treated was not Godly,i know it says somewhere in the Bible that if the root is rotten,how can good fruit come! Praise Him!

covid? or just a virus

Its been a hard month, we have all had a bad cough,and took antibiotics,Ben still has a cough,i dont know if it was covid...we all got ill...i dont really care if it was Covid or not though, we are better now, getting tested does not help us to get better! its no benefit to my family!! I have been feeling quite emotional in the last few months,i thought it might have been the virus we had, but then i think back to Darren going, and Mike and even Howard, all people i cared about at one time,i never stopped Caring about Darren, and although he was hard to take sometimes, he was never nasty to me or my kids,obviously Mike was ill...and the last time i spoke to him he was angry and not nice at all..ok maybe he had an excuse as he had BiPolar..both Sue and i had experienced that and both were talking to his friend Petes wife and she was saying what a wonderful man he was, he was wonderful sometimes, but both of us knew that he wouldnt have ever been aggressive with us if we had husbands...obviously we were seen as lower than Peters wife!

Welcome Edith

Welcome to the world baby Edith, Mummy and Daddy have waited a long time for you and Alice, but because of many prayers, by me but mostly other believers in Jesus you are both Here! God brought you here though,you both are His miracles, Mummy even called Alice her miracle,when she was born, and now she has two! My sixth Grandchild,i have not met you yet,but i have seen a video of Alice saying 'shes holding my hand' while you were in the baby seat on the floor, daddys there too, you wont see many photos of mummy, because she doesnt like her picture taken like me.

Days like these,...are GP's (doctors) a myth?... and waiting for the Girl, no 6

I have been getting confused between two songs which have 'days like these' in the titles! The van Morrison one is called" Days like these", which is an upbeat song, i will have to check out the other one too!...it could be they are both upbeat! Its been an unsettling time since i last posted,i was getting stressed,and Praise Him! i have been very emotional recently, but because i lost 3 people who i cared about in 6 months i suppose thats understandable,(i did care about Howard once too).. i cant even think about Darren without welling up with tears....still after 10 months...maybe i should go to the dr?.,if i could actually see a dr which is very rare now,but i trust God to help me through this...i am sorry to say that i blame God for taking him sometimes which is wrong...Joe said he felt the Lord took him because of the bad times coming onto the Earth, i dont know if thats true. I actively avoid the doom sayers now, i can really do without the stress! someone sent me a photo of 'Death Camps'....really dont need that stress! i need to be positive...maybe because i may have had more than the average share of negativity with Abusive men? I hope the worlds is getting better but to be honest i have been involved with the Christians who have been talking about the End times for at least twenty years, many predictions have been made, and not happened, yet anyway...I can actively remember asking God that it wouldnt happen when my kids are small! So i have had my fill, and a few others too! Local Doctors seem to be an imaginary beast now! a lurking presence way off in the background,a godlike figure who only materialise behind closed doors!!....i am glad i dont need to see one for a while, or Ben...a person who rang up last week in place of the appointment i had to speak to Bens Dr, actually apolgised at the end of the call that i hadnt been able to speak to the actual doctor,i was relieved not to speak to him,as its pointless becuse Ben is not going to change his mind about Blood tests, or any Injections, because he is terrified of needles! Last time we saw a doctor apparentely Ben consented to have a blood test...(according to the sheet he recieved afterwards,recording the outcome of his visit to the dr)an annual check up,saying he had agreed, i was sitting right next to him and didnt hear that myself!...as a Great Lady once said recently' recollections may Vary! My health has been a lot better, i can walk further, and feel stronger, i dont really know why, i feel as if a burden has lifted...in a way the only burden lifting could have been Howard dying, and not feeling i have to lock myself in and be scared going out anywhere?..i felt like he would kill me one day.....and i have actually let go of whatever unforgiveness i had towards Jon, i did it years ago,but we are actually friendly now!! a Miracle of God in itself!!,i thought i had forgiven, but the unneccesary Violence used to anger me a lot... thank you Lord!! no one deserves to be forgiven, but as the Christian song goes,'everyone needs compassion' My sixth Grandchild is due tommorow, a girl,my fifth Grandaugter! just like last time God has brought Tash through by prayer, by me of course!.but mainly by other people, my friend Ruth from school,Tashy has had a difficult time, with the Baby being small for dates, she was due to be induced last friday, but she grew so she hopefully will be able to go into Labour naturally! Exciting times!

The Devil made me do it! 'it was your fault I hit you'..

Wow, how many times have i heard the last part of this title? many many!!, like most of these abusers 'Victims',from Abusers twisted logic,'I am God you must obey me'the uk used to have a blog called Victim Blaming, and its a shame but i think it has closed down now. Who are the worst victim blamers?,a close second is the Vile Abuser, but the worst is us, me, i blamed myself , of course..i was trained to do that, mostly unfortunately by my feminist but timid mother,everything i shared with her was examined for my 'fault'...not a nice thing to grow up with..but parents are not perfect, just ask my children!! I was telling someone yesterday about how when i was telling the Abusive, wife beater rapist Howard, that he had to go because i didnt want to be beaten anymore, he actually SAID the words..." if i had only had a bit of support from you",a form of Victim blaming!! (i gave him emotional support,every type of 'support')..i wish i had said 'did you want me to 'support' your arm up while you beat me, like someone did for an old testament prophet,(Moses i think,while his arm was raised their side was winning) so the good guys could win the war... oops i feel an 'Urge' from somewhere that he has already been judged as he has died? i dont know where that came from?...i am not overwhelmed today by the unjustness of it all. as i have been in some of the last few posts...i just write this to help others...incase anyone ever reads this stuff...maybe my children will read it when i am gone, i would have loved to have known better how my Mum thought, but she never kept a diary..

Today 2

This is 'my day in the life of' as far as i can see this is the only one i have done since 2018! like that day today is Sunday, i havent been to actual church since about march last year , i would love to be there, but its still lockdown here in U.K, until the 21st, of June!! not very hopeful we will get out of it then, but hope springs eternal! so they say anyway... To be perfectly honest it hasnt really changed my life much anyway as we didnt go aout much anyway! 12.30 I went to bed,and read some of my new copy of 'Uncle fred in the Springtime',my last copy of the Blandings books , which were bought for a fiver, £5, brand new, paperbacks Today i woke up at 4.30 am,because i felt an insect on my neck, i felt it was a moth, but i was only half asleep so it may have been a bad dream anyway! then a scammer texted me,"your royal mail delivery needs to be paid for, please pay at this link' at 4.30 am which annoyed me because i may have been able to go back to sleep...but the neighbours were playing really loud music...they are really young i suppose,but IT WAS 4.AM...i feel like i might be repeating myself now.... So i came downstairs...had a cup of tea, a horrible pint mug type of thing,but it has a suction lid, which i love because flys cant go on it and i can leave my drink for a second without Suki drinking the dregs...which does happen overnight, dogs seem to really like tea dregs, my first yorkie Toto ended up with no teeth because of the sugar in the Tea, and of course my annoyingly lazy kids wouldnt think to put a Cup in the kitchen to avoid this happening....cant think where they get it from! I watched some interesting You Tube, i don't really watch any main stream media anymore,(i dont have a t.v. licence) anymore because as i am a born again christian i would of course not lie about that! Sky news Austrailia,...some Gardening videos, i discovered Gardening with Jane, 'janes allotment' i think its called recently and i like it because she looks like an older woman, i resent being told what to do by the younger ones! About 8.am i got annoyed about my young korean neighbours having loud music, so i put some loud rock music on my digital radio, with an extension lead and opened the side doors...but got fed up after about 15 minutes...it was too loud for me!! but i hope it disturbed their sleep...i got a bottle if wine last time from them.....still havent drunk it though... Off course i should have charged my ipad pro, as there wasnt enough battery left for me to watch the 9.am service at church via the facebook link...second week i missed it, last sunday Nathan had put some photos of him and his daughter and his two sisters in the local park,on facebook,about an eigth of a mile away from me,it was a bank holiday weekend and i think photos from the Saturday...i could see one daughters dog,and the other daughter was sitting on the Grass,and of course this has been another fruit of Howards manipulation in my life,and turning my kids against me...i have forgiven but am still sometimes hurt by new stuff...so a resoultion to stay off facebook! which is bascically a pile of dog turd. 10.am tried to work out how i am going to put a new tap on the sink, its on a wood work top, and the tap is leaking,and rotting away the wood, but it means i can change some stuff, i put my large swiss cheese plant in the kitchen,and am clearing out more stuff. 10.30 I am sitting down on my ipad,and heard a woman talking out side,'come on darling' and the door bell rang, i then realised that Suki must have got out...probably been gone a few hours...a MAN was there, about my age looking annoyed,'he was right down the road' he said i just laughed, i didnt even realise he was gone, he looked like he was thinking 'typical woman'...(men my age think its ok to tell me off sometimes)but wouldnt dare do it with a man!! but he actually left in a huff i and i said,'thanks' 10.35I fed the dogs, then i made some breakfast, fresh mushrooms, onion, red pepper, all in an omelette all cooked in the microwave, which was nice, and watched a young man who had tracked down his childhood molester and confronted him,on Shaun Atwoods you tube channel...which of course brought up some memories... 1pm, we took the dogs for a walk,but not spike! 1.30pm i watched a download of 'Treasures of the British library' because it showed some of P.G.wodehouses letters, someone whoses books i read everyday!

The Stalking, violent, Abusive RAPISTS funeral today...

Well he is being said goodbye to today...i have been asked to share some photos..which i did..i do have mixed feelings about today...i know that the person who is being talked about today isnt actually the person i knew...and the only other person who knew or spent as much time with him as i did wont speak out about who he really was...so i am the one who is villified, called a liar...my children saw him beat me,and tried to pull him off me..she will be standing there today...crying over the man who they watched punch and tried to pull him off me...shame on you, shame shame...of course they have very selective memories...and cant seem to stand up for the truth...i wonder if they would stand up for their kids and tell the truth?.i actually feel really ashamed of themt...they actually grew in my body, loved by me,wanted by me,i protected them from the others who would hurt them,all have lied to me,stolen money and just treated me a someone to be used.no loyalty at all...i think i deserve better treatment,after all isnt this the basic belief of abusers,that those closest to you, who your heart sings for, if they treat you like piece of dog shit on their shoes, what are you really worth? Abuser 101!!I am not sure why abusers want us to believe we are worthless, but its probably because we then believe that they are all we deserve...ITS JUST AS WELL I DONT BELIEVE THEM!!! If it wasnt for the fact that i know God loves me, i couldnt go on, i know this may sound like a challenge for the Enemy of our Souls!!But God wont allow that! I dont think i am special... i am a filthy rotten sinner,the only identity i have is as a Daughter of the most High,all i want and need, the Enemy has done his work well, i dont deny that, he has discovered who i love most in this world,( because obviously i love God most in this universe), assisted by Vile evil humans with their own agendas of course... Of course i grieve, i wanted to be a part of my childrens lives, and their children, but the Enemy has succeeded in spoiling that...i wish in a way that i was a wonderful soldier of God, who had actually done something so good for God, brought many souls to Him, or other wonderful healing works...but no i am just an ordinary person....maybe i should have not just prayed for my Kids safety and salvation, but actually asked God to preserve my relationships with them?..The Covenant does not specify that...and the Enemy is a legalist, so i didnt protect that area in my life...stupidly i think because i never really thought my kids would be disloyal to me!! Oh dear..maybe i shouldnt have started this today, there is a school of thought that all emotions are best out in the open, they 'should be owned'....but those same people who dont listen when these experiences are Shared!!...another day of not saying his name...