panic attack or Anxiety?

I had a panic attack on Sunday,it was scary, i really thought i was having a heart attack....i would really not ever have that happen again,its a weird thing not to be in control of your own body, its like when labour starts, its beyond anyones control and will keep happening... I dont really know if thats a good analogy,i spoke to a mental health nurse today, and was given some breathing exercises to help calm down..i suppose its been a hard few months,with what Joe did,stealing from myself and Ben, but most of all, with Tash being overdue by two weeks, then she had the baby, a suspected blood clot, and later being told she had pleurisy and Pneumonia... It was strange to hear myself say to the Nurse," i have forgiven people who did bad thing to me in the past",reading this blog over the years it doesnt seem like that...and also i was a much better Christian than i am now, talking about God, at every oportunity,and i dont want to not give glory to God, He has really brought me through the bad stuff, and i remember once saying to a Pyschiatrist some of the things i have been through, sorry which God has brought me through,and he was amazed i was still here! I did want to go back and slap that previous me!..

The leader....

I dont know what i am supposed to write!!....it may be that i was watching a video on you tube about a church i used to be part of, when it was here in UK,i was talking to Joe about it a few weeks ago,he felt drawn to it last year,because one of his old friends had started going there, and he was amazed at the change in him,we looked for a Video that might show his friend, because i didnt know him, and i wanted to see what he looked like, in case i ever spoke to him,we listened to a few of the Leaders talks,and one thing which didnt even stand out to me, but Joe said straight away that he struggled with every day was the God sets us up 'to fail"...i dont know the answer,i have my own ideas of course,(i dont believe He sets us up to fail! but He knows beforehand we will..He doesnt plan it that way, but is trying to show us something about Himself..i dont know what that is either...and have no idea even vaguely what it could be!!...) I told Joe what i believe, and then we didnt watch anymore of what the leader said...

Squirrel, light grey with white ears?

It seems like i often start these posts with, a statement that this has been 'an awful week'...sigh..is it just my life, am i extremely unlucky, do i bring these things on myself? am i having a 'pity party'? I might have had earlier in the week!! but now i am almost resigned...this is life, sometimes its very hard...but really its not! I belong to the Creator of the Universe,what do i have to complain about in comparrison to that?..Nothing of course!!! I noticed a grey squirrel in the garden,and i watched for a while,these have sometimes been 'signs',good omens, that i am doing what God wants..i am not superstitious, obviously but i know God is always in control, and sometimes blesses us with physical signs...and this little Rodent is what He chooses for me...it took a while,quite a long while to remember thats what He does..

nobody told me there would be days like these...November 2021

Strange days indeed!! Its been a strange month, a woman i was talking to for a while on the phone and email,Julie,she is a housing officer for Joe,turns out to be someone i have known for years,shes been to a lot of the churches i have been to over the years! we werent friends even though our daughters were! I was expecting a stressful time with Joe who was in a foul mood, because he had to get up early,and i ended up meeting another believer,when i introduced her to Joe," this is Julie who is a worship leader" which completely changed his mood as he didnt feel she would judge him! my reason for doing that was i didnt want any swearing!, later on that week i met Harry in town, they were on the High street, Pete was preaching, and Harry was handing out tracts. So why is God putting these believers in my way? it is significant, when Howard lived here in this house he was 'haunted' by God, whenever he went out of the house he bumped into a believer...i think God wants me to get out there,and THEN i got an email about the Flower show asking if we were willing to do the baggage claim!!!,so He still has plans for me! I wont be part of C.M.A, and the new Chairman did ring and ask me if i would, but i know i cant be a part of them anymore,they way people were treated was not Godly,i know it says somewhere in the Bible that if the root is rotten,how can good fruit come! Praise Him!

covid? or just a virus

Its been a hard month, we have all had a bad cough,and took antibiotics,Ben still has a cough,i dont know if it was covid...we all got ill...i dont really care if it was Covid or not though, we are better now, getting tested does not help us to get better! its no benefit to my family!! I have been feeling quite emotional in the last few months,i thought it might have been the virus we had, but then i think back to Darren going, and Mike and even Howard, all people i cared about at one time,i never stopped Caring about Darren, and although he was hard to take sometimes, he was never nasty to me or my kids,obviously Mike was ill...and the last time i spoke to him he was angry and not nice at all..ok maybe he had an excuse as he had BiPolar..both Sue and i had experienced that and both were talking to his friend Petes wife and she was saying what a wonderful man he was, he was wonderful sometimes, but both of us knew that he wouldnt have ever been aggressive with us if we had husbands...obviously we were seen as lower than Peters wife!

Welcome Edith

Welcome to the world baby Edith, Mummy and Daddy have waited a long time for you and Alice, but because of many prayers, by me but mostly other believers in Jesus you are both Here! God brought you here though,you both are His miracles, Mummy even called Alice her miracle,when she was born, and now she has two! My sixth Grandchild,i have not met you yet,but i have seen a video of Alice saying 'shes holding my hand' while you were in the baby seat on the floor, daddys there too, you wont see many photos of mummy, because she doesnt like her picture taken like me.

Days like these,...are GP's (doctors) a myth?... and waiting for the Girl, no 6

I have been getting confused between two songs which have 'days like these' in the titles! The van Morrison one is called" Days like these", which is an upbeat song, i will have to check out the other one too!...it could be they are both upbeat! Its been an unsettling time since i last posted,i was getting stressed,and Praise Him! i have been very emotional recently, but because i lost 3 people who i cared about in 6 months i suppose thats understandable,(i did care about Howard once too).. i cant even think about Darren without welling up with tears....still after 10 months...maybe i should go to the dr?.,if i could actually see a dr which is very rare now,but i trust God to help me through this...i am sorry to say that i blame God for taking him sometimes which is wrong...Joe said he felt the Lord took him because of the bad times coming onto the Earth, i dont know if thats true. I actively avoid the doom sayers now, i can really do without the stress! someone sent me a photo of 'Death Camps'....really dont need that stress! i need to be positive...maybe because i may have had more than the average share of negativity with Abusive men? I hope the worlds is getting better but to be honest i have been involved with the Christians who have been talking about the End times for at least twenty years, many predictions have been made, and not happened, yet anyway...I can actively remember asking God that it wouldnt happen when my kids are small! So i have had my fill, and a few others too! Local Doctors seem to be an imaginary beast now! a lurking presence way off in the background,a godlike figure who only materialise behind closed doors!!....i am glad i dont need to see one for a while, or Ben...a person who rang up last week in place of the appointment i had to speak to Bens Dr, actually apolgised at the end of the call that i hadnt been able to speak to the actual doctor,i was relieved not to speak to him,as its pointless becuse Ben is not going to change his mind about Blood tests, or any Injections, because he is terrified of needles! Last time we saw a doctor apparentely Ben consented to have a blood test...(according to the sheet he recieved afterwards,recording the outcome of his visit to the dr)an annual check up,saying he had agreed, i was sitting right next to him and didnt hear that myself!...as a Great Lady once said recently' recollections may Vary! My health has been a lot better, i can walk further, and feel stronger, i dont really know why, i feel as if a burden has lifted...in a way the only burden lifting could have been Howard dying, and not feeling i have to lock myself in and be scared going out anywhere?..i felt like he would kill me one day.....and i have actually let go of whatever unforgiveness i had towards Jon, i did it years ago,but we are actually friendly now!! a Miracle of God in itself!!,i thought i had forgiven, but the unneccesary Violence used to anger me a lot... thank you Lord!! no one deserves to be forgiven, but as the Christian song goes,'everyone needs compassion' My sixth Grandchild is due tommorow, a girl,my fifth Grandaugter! just like last time God has brought Tash through by prayer, by me of course!.but mainly by other people, my friend Ruth from school,Tashy has had a difficult time, with the Baby being small for dates, she was due to be induced last friday, but she grew so she hopefully will be able to go into Labour naturally! Exciting times!

The Devil made me do it! 'it was your fault I hit you'..

Wow, how many times have i heard the last part of this title? many many!!, like most of these abusers 'Victims',from Abusers twisted logic,'I am God you must obey me'the uk used to have a blog called Victim Blaming, and its a shame but i think it has closed down now. Who are the worst victim blamers?,a close second is the Vile Abuser, but the worst is us, me, i blamed myself , of course..i was trained to do that, mostly unfortunately by my feminist but timid mother,everything i shared with her was examined for my 'fault'...not a nice thing to grow up with..but parents are not perfect, just ask my children!! I was telling someone yesterday about how when i was telling the Abusive, wife beater rapist Howard, that he had to go because i didnt want to be beaten anymore, he actually SAID the words..." if i had only had a bit of support from you",a form of Victim blaming!! (i gave him emotional support,every type of 'support')..i wish i had said 'did you want me to 'support' your arm up while you beat me, like someone did for an old testament prophet,(Moses i think,while his arm was raised their side was winning) so the good guys could win the war... oops i feel an 'Urge' from somewhere that he has already been judged as he has died? i dont know where that came from?...i am not overwhelmed today by the unjustness of it all. as i have been in some of the last few posts...i just write this to help others...incase anyone ever reads this stuff...maybe my children will read it when i am gone, i would have loved to have known better how my Mum thought, but she never kept a diary..

Today 2

This is 'my day in the life of' as far as i can see this is the only one i have done since 2018! like that day today is Sunday, i havent been to actual church since about march last year , i would love to be there, but its still lockdown here in U.K, until the 21st, of June!! not very hopeful we will get out of it then, but hope springs eternal! so they say anyway... To be perfectly honest it hasnt really changed my life much anyway as we didnt go aout much anyway! 12.30 I went to bed,and read some of my new copy of 'Uncle fred in the Springtime',my last copy of the Blandings books , which were bought for a fiver, £5, brand new, paperbacks Today i woke up at 4.30 am,because i felt an insect on my neck, i felt it was a moth, but i was only half asleep so it may have been a bad dream anyway! then a scammer texted me,"your royal mail delivery needs to be paid for, please pay at this link' at 4.30 am which annoyed me because i may have been able to go back to sleep...but the neighbours were playing really loud music...they are really young i suppose,but IT WAS 4.AM...i feel like i might be repeating myself now.... So i came downstairs...had a cup of tea, a horrible pint mug type of thing,but it has a suction lid, which i love because flys cant go on it and i can leave my drink for a second without Suki drinking the dregs...which does happen overnight, dogs seem to really like tea dregs, my first yorkie Toto ended up with no teeth because of the sugar in the Tea, and of course my annoyingly lazy kids wouldnt think to put a Cup in the kitchen to avoid this happening....cant think where they get it from! I watched some interesting You Tube, i don't really watch any main stream media anymore,(i dont have a t.v. licence) anymore because as i am a born again christian i would of course not lie about that! Sky news Austrailia,...some Gardening videos, i discovered Gardening with Jane, 'janes allotment' i think its called recently and i like it because she looks like an older woman, i resent being told what to do by the younger ones! About 8.am i got annoyed about my young korean neighbours having loud music, so i put some loud rock music on my digital radio, with an extension lead and opened the side doors...but got fed up after about 15 minutes...it was too loud for me!! but i hope it disturbed their sleep...i got a bottle if wine last time from them.....still havent drunk it though... Off course i should have charged my ipad pro, as there wasnt enough battery left for me to watch the 9.am service at church via the facebook link...second week i missed it, last sunday Nathan had put some photos of him and his daughter and his two sisters in the local park,on facebook,about an eigth of a mile away from me,it was a bank holiday weekend and i think photos from the Saturday...i could see one daughters dog,and the other daughter was sitting on the Grass,and of course this has been another fruit of Howards manipulation in my life,and turning my kids against me...i have forgiven but am still sometimes hurt by new stuff...so a resoultion to stay off facebook! which is bascically a pile of dog turd. 10.am tried to work out how i am going to put a new tap on the sink, its on a wood work top, and the tap is leaking,and rotting away the wood, but it means i can change some stuff, i put my large swiss cheese plant in the kitchen,and am clearing out more stuff. 10.30 I am sitting down on my ipad,and heard a woman talking out side,'come on darling' and the door bell rang, i then realised that Suki must have got out...probably been gone a few hours...a MAN was there, about my age looking annoyed,'he was right down the road' he said i just laughed, i didnt even realise he was gone, he looked like he was thinking 'typical woman'...(men my age think its ok to tell me off sometimes)but wouldnt dare do it with a man!! but he actually left in a huff i and i said,'thanks' 10.35I fed the dogs, then i made some breakfast, fresh mushrooms, onion, red pepper, all in an omelette all cooked in the microwave, which was nice, and watched a young man who had tracked down his childhood molester and confronted him,on Shaun Atwoods you tube channel...which of course brought up some memories... 1pm, we took the dogs for a walk,but not spike! 1.30pm i watched a download of 'Treasures of the British library' because it showed some of P.G.wodehouses letters, someone whoses books i read everyday!

The Stalking, violent, Abusive RAPISTS funeral today...

Well he is being said goodbye to today...i have been asked to share some photos..which i did..i do have mixed feelings about today...i know that the person who is being talked about today isnt actually the person i knew...and the only other person who knew or spent as much time with him as i did wont speak out about who he really was...so i am the one who is villified, called a liar...my children saw him beat me,and tried to pull him off me..she will be standing there today...crying over the man who they watched punch and tried to pull him off me...shame on you, shame shame...of course they have very selective memories...and cant seem to stand up for the truth...i wonder if they would stand up for their kids and tell the truth?.i actually feel really ashamed of themt...they actually grew in my body, loved by me,wanted by me,i protected them from the others who would hurt them,all have lied to me,stolen money and just treated me a someone to be used.no loyalty at all...i think i deserve better treatment,after all isnt this the basic belief of abusers,that those closest to you, who your heart sings for, if they treat you like piece of dog shit on their shoes, what are you really worth? Abuser 101!!I am not sure why abusers want us to believe we are worthless, but its probably because we then believe that they are all we deserve...ITS JUST AS WELL I DONT BELIEVE THEM!!! If it wasnt for the fact that i know God loves me, i couldnt go on, i know this may sound like a challenge for the Enemy of our Souls!!But God wont allow that! I dont think i am special... i am a filthy rotten sinner,the only identity i have is as a Daughter of the most High,all i want and need, the Enemy has done his work well, i dont deny that, he has discovered who i love most in this world,( because obviously i love God most in this universe), assisted by Vile evil humans with their own agendas of course... Of course i grieve, i wanted to be a part of my childrens lives, and their children, but the Enemy has succeeded in spoiling that...i wish in a way that i was a wonderful soldier of God, who had actually done something so good for God, brought many souls to Him, or other wonderful healing works...but no i am just an ordinary person....maybe i should have not just prayed for my Kids safety and salvation, but actually asked God to preserve my relationships with them?..The Covenant does not specify that...and the Enemy is a legalist, so i didnt protect that area in my life...stupidly i think because i never really thought my kids would be disloyal to me!! Oh dear..maybe i shouldnt have started this today, there is a school of thought that all emotions are best out in the open, they 'should be owned'....but those same people who dont listen when these experiences are Shared!!...another day of not saying his name...

Never complain, never explain...

He was buried yesterday,(Mike) Ben and Joe wanted to go,and i also gave Sue Page a lift there as she cant drive at the moment,in the service it was announced that there would be tea and cakes at Mikes Church afterwards, so she asked if we could go, of course i couldnt really think of a reason not to although i wasnt keen!!!, we went, (i really am not going to discuss the reasons why i dont want to go there with her!) She knows obviously!.. they all do,and she even said 'Howards daughters?'when i was talking about that he had died, and i corrected myself and said'Howards Son and Daughter'. I am not talking about private family business, what is the point, they all knew Howard and it would then be the old 're-hash' of his word against mine...if they had been trusted friends in the past, i may have considered it but i almost did not going to Mikes funeral when it finally dawned on me that so many people knew, Tash had said the pastors 'wife is nice too', well that of course sparked my curiousity..the Enemies trap of course! and i said when did you meet her then,the 'Pastor' had been to visit howard in the Hospice,but i didnt expect her to go, (Although of course he was part of the church), Tash said she 'came up to us in the shop she worked in'....how would she know what Tash and Alice look like?.. God willing i am not likely to see Sue, Andre,or any of that Churches people ever again,but it did make me think how i would react if anyone ever asks me outright,'well i told you i was raped right?...and try not to get angry!! I take after the wonderful Queen i am named after,'Never complain never expalain' if they want to probe they can! feel free!!! strangely no one has!...

finding freedom, the RAPIST IS DEAD...

Howard has Died,on the 11th of June, another 7 hours and he would have died on my birthday,i have no idea who was there when he went,its radio silence at the moment...but its nothing to do with me.I am not really sure how i feel,he was really nothing to do with me anymore...I do feel free, i have always been scared that he would kill me one day, freedom! Of course he has left his 'legacy',his lies and manipulation of everyone around me has been very difficult to cope with, but with Gods help i am able to forgive, i just wish in a way that i could forget,but the memories are there, Evil has not triumphed,and God willing it never will. I wonder how i went from happiliy Married,to what happened?..,of course Mark had cheated on me,I was groomed,by Howard, i accept that now,he took advantage of a less than wordly wise innocent person.I am unable to lie about him, i wont fluff over his bad treatment,the Rape, Violence,Verbal abuse, the stalking,and trying to turn my kids against me... I wont lie, i will keep telling the truth, and i know there are many others out there,Rebekah(Becky), Haley,and the girl who was really young who he lived with for a while, and many women on the 'lodge'(staying away for work), who he had sex with, usually against their will...He still remains mine and others Rapist, alive or Dead. My life is great, it was before the Rapist died, and it will carry on being now,God is Good ALL the time! Praise Him Well its a year today....i have stopped jumping when i see guys his build, that did take a long time,And they and they constantly looking out for him when I went out that took about six months, as well.and constantly looking out for him when I went out,that took about six months, as well. A lot of people I cared about died last year,Mike the mechanic, Darren who I have missed so much, you don't realise how people get into your lives, and into your soul and spirit, and of course the monster, years ago years ago I wrote a blog spot for carewrite, I was sitting on the settee near the front door and floats we're going past for a carnival and I was looking for a title for the post and the song that was playing on one of the floats was "what's that coming over the hill,is it a monster is it a monster" of course I had to use that! All I can remember last year is going out on the 11th with Tash and to celebrate my birthday which was the 12th of June which is the 12th of June still,! And I was so grateful he didn't die on my birthday and it's only struck me today that my birthday is always going to be associated with him so it seems like if you could've chosen a day to die it will be my birthday but he still lives with his memory I can have a birthday again without it being associated with him and All I can remember last year is going out on the 11th with Tash and to celebrate my birthday which was the 12th of June which is the 12th of June still,! And I was so grateful he didn't die on my birthday and it's only struck me today that my birthday is always going to be associated with him so it seems like if He could've chosen a day to die it would be my birthday! I can never have a birthday again without it being associated with him and miserable the miserable git. and as I hate to end on a miserable note note, I have a wonderful life I hardly ever think of him which may be a kind of revenge I don't know I'm not really interested in revenge I just wish the other women out there who went to anything could have justice, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard defamation case has just ended, it's just a typical,usual case of of victim blaming, depressing very depressing.

More false friends..I give up I really do!

I have no idea what i am supposed to talk about today!..i have no strong issues which i want to talk about! yes its been a bad week in a lot of ways,but thats all going now, there a few niggles that i havent dealt with,the Lord has not shown me the answer, maybe because I havent even asked Him for help!! I loved Mike, for a long time he was a good friend,people say he had a heart of 'Gold'...i dont really see that because the Enemy used him to isolate me,by inviting Howard to Church,and to his house, which in the end made it very hard, to go to his house, i didnt stop going but it seemed that as they were all single men with a completely shocking attidude to women, all believers, but its a short step to blaming women in those age of men... Men my age think they can tell me off! Which they wouldnt do to men their age, its what used to be called male Chauvanism,any woman having an opinion is obviously a 'feminist'...(not just a free person using our God given rights!), maybe i am being unfair to them,probably Howard was saying nasty things about me...but Captain Awkward used to say that women are soon shunned from their friendship groups, even people who started as their friends when they split from abusive men.. Its sad,but i think that these people really are not worthy to be friends....and of course its dangerous when these abusers are left in the groups, with access to other women to abuse..and seen as trusted...its a disaster waiting to happen. I tried to still be friends, to keep my friends,but i knew they would never stand up for me, and believe me instead of the abusive rapist...my last conversation with Mike was sad, he was angry, he rang me to say that Fleetwood Mac was on t.v now ,ok we were watching a james bond film already,i didnt answer the phone and it went to answer phone, i rang him back a few days later, just to say thank you, and explain what we were doing,he was in a foul mood and i launched into my explanation, and he started to talk over me,i just kept talking,he didnt hear obviously, then said " i am not having a great time at the moment" and put the phone down on me!!!, he then left a voicemail a few days later saying everything all over again...it was hard to understand, and garbled and rambling...a few day later he died.. Andre rang and was 'fishing', he said 'Howard said he was Zannies dad" i laughed,and started to talk about something else,(about someone else caring for howard was getting paralytically drunk every week end, and was unreacheable when he got ill and needed a change of meds, his next of kin obviously) Andre is not a friend either...fishing for gossip, as if i would talk about my private family business with him!!. a person who only rings about every six months,after all if i could have trusted him and Mike not to be around the man who raped me,maybe i could call him a friend, they knew the truth...

Here I am again!...Mike has Died,Howard is still going....God is good ALL the time!!

Its been one of THOSE weeks, when i am really glad its over!.. which is a typical british understatement!!!,everyone seems to be under attack , and struggling. Mike died on the 20th, he was found in his Bathroom, and cause of his death is not known yet...he had been ill and had a stay in the local mental hospital, where they were trying to find medicine that helped him, (a doctor told me about twenty years ago that his attacks of Bi Polar would only get worse as he aged,he was 73, and apart from the last one, that did not happen), i dont know why God does not completely heal us on earth, but he is healed now!! I have book beside my bed, about the believer after death, and i am going to read it really!...someday... but seeing as i have lost two friends who believe, in less than 6 months i might just keep my 'rose tinted' glasses on for a while longer!...Coward that i am! We used to pray together almost every day, just the three of us, usually here,but the Enemy sent his servants, and it eventually faded away...like everything does i suppose... I am still sorting out the house,it does look better, and i am not letting being disabled, and some bad days stop this, but only with the Lords help, we had a re-occurence of the cracking noises in the Kitchen for a day or two, but God has stopped it, and yes it took me a few days to realise it was happening again...! sigh..God is so patient with me...and everyone else of course... I moved my 8 foot high swiss cheese plant from the corner of the front room to the kitchen, as it was starting to get spindley and the fenestrations had stopped all together, despite me giving it direct sunlight for four hours a day..north facing not good at all for tropical plants,which are used to blazing sun all day, but i dont want to lose it as it is a cutting from my Mums old plant, so it is sentimental to me,the kitchen is south facing and it will get sun all day,and as we are almost at the longest day,its plenty!..i will have to move it again in October as they dont like drafts and its quite close to the back door! its predecessor was killed by me accidently leaving the door open when i was 18 at my parents house,so this one must have been bought by her in the late 1970's...I am using my new MacBook Air...i love having a full keyboard again,the Ipad pro is great too, but the keyboard is rubbish!

Struggling, but not defeated

I know i am too sensitive,an old friend has not been in contact since i was forced out of the Christian Bikers,its sad, but inevitable i suppose, and i found out today that i have been blocked on facebook by some of my family, (not literally 'blocked'as facebook calls it) but i am not able to view their facebook profiles...which amounts to the same thing...i am feeling a bit fed up with that, but its life! A couple of times recently i have more or less said that 'deppression and bad days'are just a fact of life for Survivors,its not,God has removed all of the residual effects in me,thats given to God,i am a new creation, and as i have said before those things seem like they happened to a different person, which they did,that beaten defeated person does not exist anymore!!and however much the Enemy of out souls tries to whisper that i am still that person its not true!!

Toxic masculinity?

I wonder if the people who say that Men are 'toxic' have close family, sons,fathers,Uncles,brothers? ...Are they toxic, or are they "good"guys who support their loved ones? the women they love,is it just 'other'womens male loved ones who are the toxic ones..the ones who have no contact with females in society? There is an uproar in Britain because a lovely acomplished,talented Woman has been Murdered, so now society is not safe for Women, we cant ' walk the Streets'and feel safe,as if its something new?

ABUSE LIST Howard

1. Threatened to cut my face cut off with sissors, which were an inch from my face. 2.Having his arm round my neck, trying to strangle me as i was driving over a bridge, with a fast flowing river underneath,because i had been so scared i couldnt speak...with my four and five year old sons in the car. 3.being in a beaten heap on the floor, and my daughter trying to pick me up.. 4.I told him it upset me when he only washed and changed when he was seeing his daughter,and his ex,Haley.I DIDNT MAKE A DIFFERENCE TO HIM.HE just went right on doing it. 5." I dont have to listen to you, i always know what you are going to say" 6."if i WAS seeing her,I am too clever, you would never find out" he later admitted he was seeing her.

“ i remember you towering over me blocking the door”

This was said by Grace Tame, about her Rapist, Maths teacher, Nicolaas Bester....i have been researching Adult Grooming, because one of the things that the Sexual Abuse Counsellor told me was that i had been Raped and Groomed,it took a long time to believe i was Raped,and really today is the first day i believe i was Groomed...i felt sick, like vomiting...just like Graces Dad did when he found out what Nicolaas Bester did... In 2012, i was determined not to be driven out of the Church i had been going to for 15 years, which Mike had invited him to, and of course now i see that Mike was manipulated into doing that too. Howard was at the stage then, begining in 2010,of going to places he knew where i would be...and presumably wait for me to 'fall into his arms!!'..bearing in mind it had been 15 years since we were together,and two years since i had even spoken to him, i was recovering from a broken ankle, and he said, coming out of my daughters house..!!.." i hear you havent been very well"and i replied very angrily,through gritted teeth" I AM FINE ,LEAVE ME ALONE" then kept on walking away... I suppose in twisted Abuser language that was code for ",i really love you following me, its not scary at all, and i think you are justified in everthing you do, wonderful, good looking Howard..." and please keep following me until you physically cant walk.. I was in the same Church, and was quite willing to co-exist with him as long as he left me alone..so i ignored him,but not in a mean humiliating way, because i really dont want to hurt anyones feelings...no one else would have noticed... There was some kind of celebration after the evening service with food, and i went to leave by the main entrance, he was there, ostensively in the queue for food...he was blocking the way, so i would have had to speak to him to ask him to move...which i wasnt willing to do, i pushed past him, which i expect he hoped other people would see,and prove i was "the bad one"!!!I was so annoyed i went straight back in! . I have stupidly always regarded Howard, as thick,and stupid, but he's not he's cunning,then i thought he was just someone who didnt understand how to behave, and was pushing himself forward,becuse he was so 'passionate...' and really was just an overgrown boy who didnt mean to hurt anyone...!!!' What he was was Scary, he had admitted to me he knew when he could be intimidating...and the woman we were speaking too later said he was intimidating to her.so it proved to me he could turn it on and off...she was a notorious bully herself, and i had gone to her to try to sort out a problem between our adult kids,..surprisingly she didnt get 'into it with me.', i was thinking how well i was getting across to her!!!, with Howard standing right next to me....he then went back to the car, "because i didnt want to intimidate her" he said So he blocked me,a 54 year old woman, in the same way that Nicolaas Bester blocked Grace,( its disappointing really, i was hoping that things might have changed..but no), in the same year as I ,am being blocked, so is Grace, at just 15... The solicitor put in the letter to him about "blocking me",and i remember later trying to work out the height difference between us and whether his view of me was blocked at 5'3 inches, and him at 6'2",no his view wasnt blocked,by the people next to him... he knew i was there, and did it delibrately... The Solicitors letter says"28 november 2012, "You have sought to approach her and Communicate with her in Church, and you have also block her free movement within the Church, for example by blocking doorways", and" we have advised her her that there is a fine line between carrying out ones everyday activities, and using those activities as a smoke screen to pursue a course of harassment against another person and we advised her to be extremely vigilant in ensuring this line is not crossed by you".. I was just thinking of going through all my reactions to this blog entry and times i told him, " no i dont want to be with you, leave me alone" with a " fine tooth comb" and i am even looking at the Solicitors letter now to see if she has told him to leave me alone.in so many words..i am still trying to justify, explain, and really put the guilt on me,for his actions! He knew i didnt want him in my life..but abusers see our opinions as not valid..we are not allowed to say no... A 15 year old vulnerable child was not allowed to say no,in fact she was blamed,he boasted and said he was the envy of other men out there.because he had " sex" with her..but i look at how beautiful Grace is,she is way out of his league,even when he was young he wasnt handsome, or even attractive...abuse is the only way for them to get a '10'...if he walked past another woman just as attractive as Grace, she wouldnt give him a second look,now, or even when he was young...predators are sick human beings,now i have to go and have a shower because i feel dirty even talking about them...

Crazier...

Oh dear...i dont know whats the matter with me! I gone from hiding in my messy house to cleaning....i actually cleaned a Window today and other stuff!..the husky likeS to sit on the Window sill and watch outside, we live by a fairly busy road,and there are lots of dogs going past! I have shared on facebook twice already today....and i invited my Daughter around for mothers day gift giving and the house was a mess...but better than it was before! Its God, when i turned to him, he has made me a bit braver...one thing as abuse Victims that we are told is that we cant have our own opinions,Howard had said to someone that when i had got up petition to stop double yellow lines being put outside, that it was " going to my head having a car"not that i was trying to make it safe for my children.... Obviously i didnt have a right to Have a Voice...he once said he didnt need to listen to me because he always knew what i was going to say...dehumanising.i sort of hope he hasnt lost his Voice where he is at this minute in the Hospice...although it would be Just... In the Movie the "Kings Speech" the Kings shouts "i have a voice", "Of course you do "says Lionel Loague....the speech therapist I am not a King, or even a Queen!(who knows these days) but i am the Daughter of the King of Kings,and Lord of Lords... AND I HAVE A VOICE! and whether anyone likes it or not, they will be hearing it!

Crazy times at our house!

A Noise in the kitchen, no ones in there,a noise like glass breaking,i asked Ben what the noise was, i was thinking he had dropped something, he has some Nunchucks which it sounded like...NO he says sounding like he was lying, so i went to investigate, a box full of broken glass was lying on its side, with large chunks of broken glass strewn around...no one was near the kitchen,it was a large cardboard box, at least a foot and half tall,heavy with broken glass and china.....it was the Enemy of course, trying to drive me Crazy, but of course it did the opposite if what was intended, by them anyway as i got so Angry that the Enemy dares to do this to us that i have gone into SPIRITUAL warfare mode, which is exactly what the Lord wanted, as He knows me well..i am a lazy person, but like any Parent i will fight to protect my family and my home( which is actually Gods anyway! Praise HIM

My BRILLIANT writing, I wish it was!

Wow! How much do i wish it was mine? a lot but i must give the GLORY TO THE One it was!...God has blessed me with some abilities... degree level English, and 11 year old maths ability! But they were given to me, i hope to further His Kingdom,by hopefully showing that with His help we can get over anything... Yes i was Raped, beaten,lied about,and was brought as low as any Human ever was, but i have bounced back,because of Him...A psychiatric doctor i once spoke to was amazed that i could even function without Medicine after i told him about a few of the things i have had which happened to me...i am not a Survivor, God has made me Victorius over those things, which were done by pathetic humans like me after all!...i am able to go to Joes Dad and ask him for help with our Son,because miraculously i have NO PROBLEM with him...i was angry, for years,of course he doesnt deserve to be forgiven, no one does, i certainly dont! God is GOOD, all the time, if anyone ever reads this, please turn to Jesus, He can change you, your past, and give you a wonderful future, a wonderful life, He has done it for me, and i am nothing special...

More precious than rubies

Thats me! and every other Wife, i loved my husbands like they were pure Gold,they were so precious to me,i respected them , i put them first before me, and thanked God for them often, i gave them their right to be the protector of the house, and i know without the slightest doubt that this is true, i saw them as Christ to me, because that is what God requires of me! The "Bible tells me so"! I wanted to look up to my Husband as my protector, and did that, it was not given unwillingly, I respected them... PROVERBS 3.15 KING JAMES VERSION " She is more precious than Rubies:and all the things thou canst desire are not to be compared to Her" Strong words! I Am so happy to know thats how God sees Women, before and when they become Wives,so all the people that say the Bible is anti women are wrong,i love to see the way a Dad protects his daughter, i was watching the movie taken yesterday, not the whole thing because it was too violent, but clips. The begining with the famous "i will find you"speech, and at the end when he rescues his daughter , who has been kidnapped and abused, he is holding a gun, and the man about to Rape her, has a knife to her throat, i know that at that moment her father is the only man she trusts,all girls want their Dads to save them. I saw a Dad interviewed who had seen someone kidnap his daughter,and pulled into a car, just an ordinary man, not famous...he ran over gardens , through fences, and got to the car, and pulled her out! An amazing man! Yes! of course he was,but he was just a Dad. My Heavenly Father is better than that Dad,stronger, more Powerful,He gave that ordinary Dad that protective instinct, it all comes From Him! In this world at the moment it is a confusing time, women are being not respected, we have to go into changing rooms where men are,so we dont go into them, a womans only choice for bathrooms/toilets are multi sex/gender, so women go to a small toilet and queue for a long time to feel safe,in a building across a road. A gym i used to go to had womens showers, separate from the mens, but only with a curtain separating them...they were never used...

Darren.

God bless him, and i know he is being blessed where he is now, he is not in any pain,there is no Aspergers,he is in a perfect place , there are no unkind people staring at him because he is fat, he is not Fat anymore, i miss him, i still cry every time i think of him, he was my friend, he annoyed me, infuriated me, and spent long periods not wanting to answer the phone to me! Which was what infuriated me...and hurt my feelings a lot! I Felt i deserved better treatment as his friend! But who am i to demand anything from anyone?..in a lot of ways Darren was much more loyal to me than my own flesh and blood....actually treated me better most of the time....he is gone, but i will see him again, hes having a great time,who am i to want to take him away from his Saviour,and bring him back to this world, but most of all i am blessed to have known him. Thank you Lord for Darrens life, and the small part of it that i was able to share in.Praise you Lord, Amen

Rape , part 2.no more fear.

Becky, I can’t work out where I got to with the last post, as it’s obviously not designed for iPads, it would be easier to look on a laptop..,  I think I spoke about last time( in part one) was when he came round and Mark went to bed early, the  the shocking and awful experience, I didn’t talk to him afterwards...

I couldn’t see him as my friend anymore, seeing him in that moment changed my opinion of him as a good guy forever...i didnt know what you had been through with him,"you said once "you know what i have been through ith him" i didnt, i dont know even now, I became scared of him,the person who was a trusted friend had gone... i felt i grew up in that moment, i became an object not human being, just a sum of my body parts.. ifelt dehumanised.. scared of him, he thought we were in some kind of relationship, and that has never changed...just a kiss and Cuddle became a life sentence for me... He still came round! and with Mike, He once came round with Jeremy, and then they would leave and he would stay....expecting me to be nice to him!! he even brought your kids round when Mark was there.   I was supposed to sit across the room from him!!  but I’m not reacting anyway, I’m not sure when the second time happened, but from calculating when she was born that it must’ve been March or April.

I don’t even remember it because it happened more than once more than twice, so we moved here. . So you’re probably wondering is this story true? me being attacked by him sexually, to be honest I don’t know why I didn’t think of it as rape...I just thought because I had been with him before, albeit unwillingly it was just something that I had to put up with.

Years later in 2010,he started following me around again,i suppose someone could call that my fault because i had tried to make a relationship work with him a few times...maybe he saw it as easy to change my mind if he persisted enough.. He went to Zans,my friends, the church I went to, he had become the crazy stalker, I was so scared,so upset and depressed, and in 2012 I can't go out of my house without "bumping" into him,... seeing riding past, seeing him riding past Nathan‘s office,literally every time I go out,of the 10 times I went out of the house he is around seven times..

  I went to the Police about him following me,watching me,that was when I spoke to sexual abuse counsellor on the phone because I was so deeply, traumatised and upset about him following me, she helped me to understand what is is, what it was that what he had done,the name RAPE.. I went to the Police they couldn’t do anything after all those years I think it was 26 years at the time or 28 years, but they said "if he carries on stalking you come back and we’ll do something about it, so I went back...more excuses not to help, all i really wanted them to do was speak to him and ask him to leave me alone,because i knew it would stop him, because he was frightened of them..but it was too much trouble for them..as a disabled woman i wasnt important enough.. i hope the world has changed since then, but i doubt it. Ben spoke to Officer Sue at youth club, Sue came round the next day and said if "he bothers you again I will talk to my sergeant about it and will go and visit him,and will get a warning to leave you alone", and that’s all I wanted. so in the end when I reported it again officer Sue had been moved on and the new sergeant knew nothing about it, so they sent two part time officers, thats al these years of harrasment waranted!PsO'S!! In the end that Officer ended up being the most helpful!!,the male Officer told me about his friend whose wife didnt want him around anymore, and with far less provocation than i had stupidly endured,she got a solicitor to say that he was acting like a stalker ,and it had worked!, please bear in mind i had been to a Solicitor in 2010,and had nothing to do withhim for several years,and had a letter sent to him which had no effect,SAYING I WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM, after he had tried to talk to me at Zans house, after me making it clear many many times that i wanted nothing more to do with him.. What am i supposed to do, i didnt want him around me, i was scared of him,he was intimidating and threatening, why wouldnt he take my no to mean NO? the communit officers, PcSo,said to try again with a solicitor so I went to a wonderful one in a town about 20 miles away and she sent him a firm letter saying I didn’t want this harassment this was two years after the previous letter which Sarah was upset about it At Zans wedding part this one;had an accompanying letter that went to the West Mercia police and if my name ever pops up on their records his name will pop up too, that’s how much store they put by that because they obviously know and realise that stalkers can be dangerous, I have lived in fear of him for years, but more, so much more scared since the stalking started and that’s been over 22 years with the worst part of the stalking being him going to Zans house,and saying all the lies about him being their Dad,i had no idea he was, and i supppose thats why my own daughter call me a liar...of course today its so easy to get a test, its wasnt so easy in the 1980s.and let me say agin that Mark knew there was a chance,he could have got someone pregnant if he had cheated with a woman, but he cheated on me first with a Man. When we had results, they were too scared to tell him (my two girls) asked me to ring him and he was flabbergasted, he was shocked , it told me he never believed for one moment thought it could possibly be true and it had been another way for him to wind up me, 10 years of this has been hanging over me why the heck didn’Didnt he get all those years ago if he really thought it was true? because he didn’t think it was true!!!.. I don’t deserve to be treated like this by you or any other human being, I didn’t initiate this I didn’t want this this,it happened, against my will, and it still happening against my will.. I’m the one branded a Liar my oldest daughter  she lives in a world where DnA tests are done really quickly and really cheaply1980s do you think for one moment I really believe that She was his?? As I’ve said marks known about this all the way along and I suppose if one day someone decides to tell him that’s up to them. It won’t affect me in any way, Mark is genuinely a good guy, the best man and the best Dad,if someone has the conscience to tell him and he goes over the edge,and kills himself that will be on their conscience,he is mentally unstable, its not fair to burden him with that, but it if its worth taking that chance to someone, to get their revenge on me, please go ahead, i know Howard stood in front of him and couldnt tell him. Of course i suppose there will be people who think i am lying about this to protect myself...i am an honest person, i dont lie, i am a born again Christian, truth is important to me...Mark wanted to have Howards ADRESS WHEN STARTED this IN 2010,he said "why" is he bringing all this up after all these years?" he knew it wasnt because he wanted the "truth, it was just part of Howards sick plan to get me ' back", in a 'relationship' with him,yes we did get together, yes i gave him many many chances to prove he had changed,but it never lasted long...Didnt you divorce him yourself?..i think i gave him more chances than you did, more fool me!. I am an innocent person, if someone seems different, i beleive they are,he kept saying he was!!"changed",but its was an act,he was obbsessed with me, not fun,SCARY... so i gave him another chance, but then he was taking my kids to his Mums and she was being NASTY ABOUT ME IN FROM OF MY KIDS AND HE WAS TOO..hE SEEMED TO ACTUALLY HATE ME WHEN HE WAS WITH ME AND THEN IDEALIZE ME WHEN I MADE HIM LEAVE, A TERRIFYING THING TO BE ON THE OTHER END OF... Howard has gone into hospice, I’ve just been told he’s deteriorated in the last week I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.. I personally have no feelings of revenge on malice or anything to Howard I was told by my Daughter,and his bio kid,one of at least four, so far, but he has told me of many more women when he was working on the " lodge" in Wales,more women, one who was just opening a window for him,a woman who he thought wanted it'' he pulled her down on the ground...i really do hope she wanted it, but from my own experience i am not sure... I was unfortunate that he behaves the way he does, that’s his choice I don’t want any bad things to happen to any animal or person on this planet I don’t wish any evil on him, but I wouldn’t wish that on anybody, but I don’t have to fear every time I go out the door,I dont HAVE to think hes going to kill me one day,all the time. My children don’t know this, they don’t know I’m afraid I will be killed by him oneday..Stalkers kill... its in the news every day...

dark days, doing the enemies work for him....

Its a bad day today,i am feeling so alone, and hard done by, a 'pity' party as the americans say,i feel like i suspect most Rape victims feel that however much i tell the truth, i am not believed, my own children except for Ben dont believe me......i am feeeling pretty suicidal....i dont even really feel angry at the stalker, and i am not able to name him today,i feel he does not deserve humanising, because although stalker is close to death, in a few weeks, and yes he did this to me, i am not able to forgive him today.....absolutely awful i know, God DOES NOT WANT THAT!,BUT TODAY THAT IS AS MUCH AS I CAN DO...God SEES ALL AND I KNOW He UNDERSTANDS ME ENOUGH TO KNOW I WILL SAY SORRY FOR THAT...SO TODAY I DESPISE the STALKER.....because of choices that the stalker made i have been stripped of all the relationships i cherish in my life...i wish i knew if it was done delibrately...but i think it was just stalkers selfish needs which mattered most....his opinion that i dont get to make choices about MY life, that i dared to break away from him... Do i believe the stalker is evil? i dont know, but whatever i believe it doesnt change what has happened..i dont really care about the stalker, as i have always said the stalker is just an irritating bug that sometimes comes to memory for a few seconds and is gone just as fast... So how am i guilty too?...what could i have done? i suppose i should have made a fuss and told people...but i did tell those close to me...i didnt go to the Police then, but when i went years later it didnt do any good anyway..it changed nothing..i feel the same as i did in 2012, when i was too scared to go out of the house...i felt haunted by the stalker...i was haunted..but when i told people it didnt make one bit of difference..old friends who knew me as i hope an honest person didnt want to get involved.... Maybe its my fault because I am too innocent? , we are told as kids, to always tell the truth.i am not a good liar..really cant lie..I am not clever enough..if i reacted with anger, i am called CRAZY,so whatever i do and say its really no good, i am just a 'liar' as my daughter has said directly to me, and the other daughter has said she believes me, but i have proof she doesnt behind my back...i dont know if i am strong enough to stand up and fight this again, i feel i cant hold my head up around anyone, and i am walking around with Liar tatooed on my forehead... i suppose i will feel better tomorrow,if i dont no one will know...or even really care..except Ben,today i choose life because of him,i choose to do the best i can for him...like many other times i wanted to die, and if it hadnt been for my kids i would have...the cowards way out...i didnt care, i just want the pain to stop... " Mum falls out with more people more than most people do" say my daughter, i thought was supportive of me....i can honestly say i cant remember an instance when i fell out with anyone who wasnt abusive to me..now i sound like a narcisist!...the most recent 'falling out' wasnt even that! over a year ago i was told i was stepping down from my role in the Christan Motorcyclists, by someone i thought valued me, my friend who i had stayed in the organisation to support...i didnt argue,i didnt complain, i just left at the first oppurtunity..... Citing the fact that the person who looked after Ben for me, so i could go to meetings, had moved away...of course i was hurt,but i havent told anyone that...so it comes down to really feeling bad today, as most women do who have been stalked, beaten, and raped do on a lot of days, that nobody REALLY has 'our back',that the Abuser will always win, despite anything we can do. i dont know how unbelievers deal with it, hopefully they have support, good friends who know they dont lie, i dont have that,but i do have Someone better,God sees all,He knows the truth.

. Rape, the truth written, published before he dies.so I won’t be accused of lying after he has gone, when he cant defend himself)

This has been written and published before he dies, so i cant be accused of lying and not giving him a chance to defend himself.not

Becky:

As the title says this is my story, it’s not a nice story, it’s not a pleasant story,it’s not a funny story,but it is a TRUE story,it’s also story of false friends, victim blaming, but most of all it’s my story and I wish it wasn’t,... 

I wish I told it years ago, but my mum was right when a weird man followed me on the way to school,and I told the Police, She said “you won’t be believed, nothing will happen,and if it goes to court you will be branded a liar”, and although she was right it was painful and I think I felt really betrayed by her at 15.

I wanted her to say it was an outrage that this has happened to me, or she was frightened for me , but she was right, of course even now fifty years later nothing has changed for women, rather females, even a child of fifteen is seen as somehow complicit in a  twisted peverts mind 

I used to think you were my friend.but you soon turned against me ....why didn’t you come to me when the D.N.A happened and not judge me?

It started on night when Howard and Mark had gone to the football match, Mark was on an early shift so went to bed early,what was just an unfortunate misguided kiss and cuddle, Howard took too far,HE FORCED HIMSELF ON ME, I was shocked,I didnt initiate it ,and was overwhelmed and scared, he was strong  and heavy and suffocating and I was too scared and shocked to say anything ,I didn’t see him like that I thought he was a friend and I trusted him, he knew my parents who liked him ,and even watch football on TV with my dad,he was friends with my Brother for goodness sake...

 ....I thought he was just a harmless boy ... on our canal trips he said “bend over again” when I picked up something off the floor.... I laughed...just the things Men used to say sometimes USED,to say because now it’s sexual harassment, did he take my laughing as flirting,?...this happened when you weren’t near...you were my friend I liked Howard but I liked you more .I have no idea how badly he was treating you and when you said that Christmas after we had got together years later”you know what I have been through with him”I didn’t know what you meant I don’t know now...back in the 80’s after that  first initial time I didn’t let him in Again unless Mark or someone else was there ,I didn’t want to upset Mark he was having severe mental problems himself, but he soon noticed my changed attitude to Howard

Howard didn’t give up though he still came round ,with other people,once with Mike and once with Jeremy when they left he stayed ....What was I supposed to do ? With 2 year old Nathan in the room,scream shout? I didn’t want him there, he knew that...but it didn’t matter....

I was you friend, and i felt awful about what happened- i felt it was my fault for kissing him,but what it lead to i did not consent too...I soon saw the bad side of him, and was scared of him. Mark and i got back together,and i told him straight away when i knew i was pregnant, he knew there was a slight chance she wasnt his,he had been with someone else, and if it had been a woman he could have got her pregnant too

Dad was not an Abuser.

I just adored my Dad, he was charming and seemed to really love me, I felt privileged to be the oldest,my sister says he was a Domestic Abuser, I suppose she is entitled to her opinion, and if she hadn’t fallen out with a prominent Feminist on Twitter, and wanted to get back into her good books, I might just think, “ ok , she’s entitled to her different opinion”, but to accuse a Good Man of these lies is Wrong.My Dad was brought up by Victorian parents,in a society where Children were expected to keep quiet,only speak when spoken too, they weren’t allowed to play in the home like Modern Children, they were kept outside until mealtimes, and Bedtime. It is ridiculous to compare today’s modern child rearing to years ago, it was not abuse.My Sister has a loving Husband, a successful relationship, she has never actually lived with a Domestic Abuser, I have!...there is no comparison,my Dad loved all his Children,he did not systematicly destroy our self worth, demean us in front of others, or use control of our every thought,as Abuser do,He did not beat us, yes he might have slapped us hard, very hard sometimes, but we always knew he loved us, he told us,and showed us all the time, he was a loving parent. My Sister has even gone to the extreme of Saying they were both Autistic,and yet both of them were Articulate, and communicated very well, of course people say it’s a “Spectrum” it is, but for someone to be as Autistic as she claims and yet to be Loving, and affectionate? Can’t have it both ways.does she forget we are British, who are well known for not being outwardly emotional!

 My Parents were  private quiet people who would hate to be called wrong for not copying the new normal of exposing their private lives, putting all the pain out their just to get ‘likes’,I frankly am ashamed that she uses them like this,especially when they are gone and can’t defend themselves. She would never have done this when my Dad was Alive,he would have sued her...

Most telling of course is the fact that he lived with my Step Mum for 35 years,longer than he was married to my Mum,they were happily married, she would have never have put up with being beaten, or a battered wife, so thats where the whole Domestic Abuser lie just falls apart, and if she knew anything about the subject at all she would not say it,Abusers cant change, they abuse every wife, not just one,(i am not blaming my Mum either,)she was a gentle person,and would never "Provoke" anyone to Violence,as unpleasant as it sounds when relationships break down people behave badly and do things they regret, my Dad slapped me down, even broke my nose accidently when he was dragging me upstairs to my room, (it was banged on a bannister),at the end of their Marriage he was scary sometimes, angry a lot of the time too...He was Not an abuser. I wonder if my sister lives in the real world sometimes, she has a happy marrriage, so has no idea how people behave in a nasty breakup...I lived with my parents a lot longer than she did,she is 8 years younger than me,what does she know about it, NOTHING! lying about her own father past to use it to get into some Twitter likes,but like all Journalists the truth doesnt matter!