“ i remember you towering over me blocking the door”

This was said by Grace Tame, about her Rapist, Maths teacher, Nicolaas Bester....i have been researching Adult Grooming, because one of the things that the Sexual Abuse Counsellor told me was that i had been Raped and Groomed,it took a long time to believe i was Raped,and really today is the first day i believe i was Groomed...i felt sick, like vomiting...just like Graces Dad did when he found out what Nicolaas Bester did... In 2012, i was determined not to be driven out of the Church i had been going to for 15 years, which Mike had invited him to, and of course now i see that Mike was manipulated into doing that too. Howard was at the stage then, begining in 2010,of going to places he knew where i would be...and presumably wait for me to 'fall into his arms!!'..bearing in mind it had been 15 years since we were together,and two years since i had even spoken to him, i was recovering from a broken ankle, and he said, coming out of my daughters house..!!.." i hear you havent been very well"and i replied very angrily,through gritted teeth" I AM FINE ,LEAVE ME ALONE" then kept on walking away... I suppose in twisted Abuser language that was code for ",i really love you following me, its not scary at all, and i think you are justified in everthing you do, wonderful, good looking Howard..." and please keep following me until you physically cant walk.. I was in the same Church, and was quite willing to co-exist with him as long as he left me alone..so i ignored him,but not in a mean humiliating way, because i really dont want to hurt anyones feelings...no one else would have noticed... There was some kind of celebration after the evening service with food, and i went to leave by the main entrance, he was there, ostensively in the queue for food...he was blocking the way, so i would have had to speak to him to ask him to move...which i wasnt willing to do, i pushed past him, which i expect he hoped other people would see,and prove i was "the bad one"!!!I was so annoyed i went straight back in! . I have stupidly always regarded Howard, as thick,and stupid, but he's not he's cunning,then i thought he was just someone who didnt understand how to behave, and was pushing himself forward,becuse he was so 'passionate...' and really was just an overgrown boy who didnt mean to hurt anyone...!!!' What he was was Scary, he had admitted to me he knew when he could be intimidating...and the woman we were speaking too later said he was intimidating to her.so it proved to me he could turn it on and off...she was a notorious bully herself, and i had gone to her to try to sort out a problem between our adult kids,..surprisingly she didnt get 'into it with me.', i was thinking how well i was getting across to her!!!, with Howard standing right next to me....he then went back to the car, "because i didnt want to intimidate her" he said So he blocked me,a 54 year old woman, in the same way that Nicolaas Bester blocked Grace,( its disappointing really, i was hoping that things might have changed..but no), in the same year as I ,am being blocked, so is Grace, at just 15... The solicitor put in the letter to him about "blocking me",and i remember later trying to work out the height difference between us and whether his view of me was blocked at 5'3 inches, and him at 6'2",no his view wasnt blocked,by the people next to him... he knew i was there, and did it delibrately... The Solicitors letter says"28 november 2012, "You have sought to approach her and Communicate with her in Church, and you have also block her free movement within the Church, for example by blocking doorways", and" we have advised her her that there is a fine line between carrying out ones everyday activities, and using those activities as a smoke screen to pursue a course of harassment against another person and we advised her to be extremely vigilant in ensuring this line is not crossed by you".. I was just thinking of going through all my reactions to this blog entry and times i told him, " no i dont want to be with you, leave me alone" with a " fine tooth comb" and i am even looking at the Solicitors letter now to see if she has told him to leave me alone.in so many words..i am still trying to justify, explain, and really put the guilt on me,for his actions! He knew i didnt want him in my life..but abusers see our opinions as not valid..we are not allowed to say no... A 15 year old vulnerable child was not allowed to say no,in fact she was blamed,he boasted and said he was the envy of other men out there.because he had " sex" with her..but i look at how beautiful Grace is,she is way out of his league,even when he was young he wasnt handsome, or even attractive...abuse is the only way for them to get a '10'...if he walked past another woman just as attractive as Grace, she wouldnt give him a second look,now, or even when he was young...predators are sick human beings,now i have to go and have a shower because i feel dirty even talking about them...