More Activity

Going to try hard not to mention my Ex-husband again, if i do i am doing exactly what he wants me to do which is of course think about him!!!!
I am trying hard to be more active as well,i know i am disabled, but i can do stuff in short bursts, along with healthier eating, i am hoping to lose some weight,i am sick of my own excuses!
Good prayer meeting with Mike Saturday night and lovely meal at his yesterday, we went to the Sunday market, it started hailing and Mike was able to buy some very good meat deals..!...

Source of all Light

Feeling a lot better today,bit annoyed to read that my daughter still has the Ex look after my grandson.Had a good prayer meeting yesterday, i prayed a lot, despite not wanting to go....so obviously the key here is that we,i, anyone should not listen to feelings because they could be a lie, from the enemy of our souls, just to stop us obeying God.
I am ashamed to say that i listen to my feelings far too much, and allow myself to be influenced.It is a strange thing that when i first got saved i thought i was not such a bad person,( after initial repentance of course!!) And yet now i feel i let God down every day, i feel more of a sinner now!!!... of course logically that cant be true, God has dealt with so much,brought so much up to be repented of...So i am better for knowing him, but the closer i get to the most perfect and Holy Being the dirtier i feel, His perfect Light shines into every corner,He says 'I am the the Light of the world'
When i had a vision of being taken to heaven His was the literal light of the world, It came straight from the Fathers Throne, too bright to see,it was living, pure love.Light shines from Jesus too, so much i couldn't see his face, but His feet,with the nail holes.

Blessings and Angels

well despite everything i let myself get into a right state yesterday, i rang the doctor and could not get an appointment for two weeks, i told them i was having chest pain and they had the doctor ring me,he said it was unlikely to be a heart attack....still got sent to hospital, but am taking the anti-biotics.I have seen 4/5 of my kids today, and my darling little angel of a grandson too! wonderful....God is good , I have been really blessed,children are a precious gift from God, i do appreciate that some people cant have children, i dont understand how hard that must be...

Satans tactics

Feeling really tired today, and still struggling with the Ex (Howard) problem,not so bad today though, next door neighbours were playing the drums again til 12.30 last night, started to get stressed about it, so was ignoring it and felt a lot better(,had started to have trouble breathing) , a very effective way of showing me that the enemy is causing me stress, and if i allow it to get to me it could be dangerous,its my responsibility not to let it affect me,really should see the doctor
I suppose also that i must be suffering more stress than i thought with my Mum dying too, although outwardly i am not grieving, inwardly its different.I am not aware of it but it is obviously affecting me.

Guitars and decorating

Great church service last night,pastor Phil had lost his voice so not enough singing, had a lovely time at Mikes after great meal,Ex's(Howard) friend Eddie was there for a while so had a nice chat to him,he was embarrassed about mentioning the Ex's name, but i was talking about concerts he went to so he soon loosened up, he has been going to church most sunday mornings, which is great, not saved yet but he is on the way!..Still having trouble going to the church in the daytime,  as Ex Howard is there every day, decorating,still dont trust myself not to scream out loud at him...... so best to stay away, really wanted to ask Phil about guitar lessons, but You guessed it, Ex is learning now! i had made the mistake of telling Mike...un-surprisingly he suddenly developed an interest.!!.....I made a good effort at some housework yesterday, did not allow myself to go on the laptop, in the end i had missed the bible reading which i do every day by email,so it did not work out so well, the day before i had tried to read it but because i had not slept just could not concentrate, still keeping up the Praying in tongues every night, about three months, maybe longer, have trouble keeping concentrating on that too though!!!....

Bricks. poop.and rushes.

Yesterday i watched something on t.v about Stalkers,one woman had been shot dead,they are trying to introduce a better law,at the moment its just done under the 'Harasment Law'. It was a mistake to watch it, just wound me up,felt too upset to do anything the rest of the day, i was planning all sorts of things to do to the Ex,Dog poop through his letterbox, ringing his work to say how dangerous he is to kids and women,(he raped me), bricks through his window.
This only lasted  a few hours, mainly after i appealed to the Lord for help....He never lets me down, Praise Him,i however did let Him down by letting myself get into such a state,completely gave into the Enemy.....I suppose that i do feel really scared that he will kill me one day,and the whole unjustness of him always getting away with it.Bullies do win, BUT NOT FOR EVER.....i know i am protected by God and His Angels,nothing happens to me that He does not allow.I belong to God, glory to Him.
I know that going to the Police, about the Rape,and him 'stalking me',which they would not do anything about just set me up to fail, and it was not of course Gods will.It just made the situation worse,and harder for me to handle.
Most of the websites said that re-acting or replying to anything they do gives them a pleasure rush, and hope that if they continue they will get more,like the mis-behaving child, any attention is good attention!...I have to just keep going,its been since the end of July, 7 months now. I know it is coming to the end soon,Lord give me the strength to get through it!!!...

Cold heart

Really cold here today,had a nice lunch at Mikes yesterday,great to get out of the house,could not face going to church last night, as felt to rebellious to be in room with Ex,feeling angry, would scream out loud at him,there was also a Ladies meeting on Saturday, which you would expect to be free of Him, but he is decorating the church!!..as it was he was not there,but will be every day,i was talking to Mikes house mate Angelo,he is such a gentle, good person,so kind,i feel so sad that the Ex (Howard)felt it was o.k to argue with him,more like really telling him how to run his life.i suppose i am sensitive at the moment after what happened to Ben,and the fact that He was aggressive to Ben and Joe when they were 5 and 6, (he was taking them out they were arguing over a bike, he picked up the bike with Joe on and dropped it down hard and Joe was hurt between the legs,(Never knew about this til after i kicked him out,Tasha was too scared to tell me.)
Strange that His violence to my children is harder to forgive than his too me,understandable, kids were more vulnerable than me.I have told my daughter who has him looking after my grandson Max, but it has made no difference,i am still struggling with his attempt to ruin my relationship with her, first of all by going round to her house,and then i told her i would not go to her house, but met her other places.Then he decides to tell her the lie that he was her and Tasha's Dad. Puzzling!...caused so much embarrassment and upset for the whole family,now they all know he was lying,and it was just to humiliate me...which to be honest worked very well..So now i go to her house, in May,i went to drop something off at her house just as he was going there, he waited out side and talked to Mike,who he just seemed irritated with, and when i came out,he said to me  'i heard you were not very well' i shouted back ' i am fine'( he tried to talk to Ben, who just ignored him!!!)
So since then he has suddenly started coming round to Mikes,(since he saw me with him), going to the church.
I know Satan is testing me,i feel he has asked the Lord for permission to do this, but i also feel that God has said its ended now, hes still around.....I must trust in God more, His promises are always yes and Amen.Praise Him......