RAGE

Well have found out that the Ex, Howard is being Baptised tomorrow,interesting! i really hope he wants to go on with God,and not with Me! cos it is not happening... however much he hangs round, tells others he 'wants to be friends'....NO NO NO... I Have no ill will, just want to nothing to do with him.I have spoken to Elizabeth about this again,she feels he should not be baptised until he has been confronted about what he is doing  to me now, i know God is leading me to another church, but i wont be telling anyone where!..
I have been thinking about that 10 days when ever i went to the other side of Town i would see him cycling by,or i was at my sons office decorating and my son looked out of the Window and saw him,why every time,/?.. was the Enemy trying to make me believe he was following me? Was he following me?..i live on a main road, its not hard to see if my car is parked near my house, as we have no private drives on,i have been tempted to park down side roads,it would not be hard to track my movements?...worrying now i think about it.
Talking to Elizabeth has also brought up another disturbing thought, last but one time i was in a meeting when he was there,i was praising the Lord, singing, raising hands,he was sitting almost opposite a row of chairs ahead, so although i was not watching him,i could  not avoid seeing his body language, he was very angry,he sat with his head in his hands at one point, i know he was upset ,because he was not getting anywhere with me.and his following me has not worked. i am not affected by his actions.
Because the same thing happened years ago,we were just friends and he had offered to paint my house, to 'make up for some of the bad' he said, he was stripping back the paint in the front room and i was busy washing up, and took few phone calls from friends, had great fellowship on the phone,after several hours of this he got upset,and said' you have friends and people who care about you' i don't know why this would upset him, but he was in such a bad state that he sank down the wall to the stairs, in a heap, it scared me,because he had been so violent in the past, so i rang up a brother in the Lord who came and talked to him.(I was determined not to let him in again.and haven't)
 So to me this is very telling,i have known him for 36yrs, and as all battered women i have had to be able to 'read him,'to know when to be quiet,and keep the kids quiet, to avoid violence.I was reading somewhere yesterday 'that if a person truly cares for you they want the best for you, and will not let their actions cause you any pain,AND will respect your boundaries'.He has not respected my boundaries, or my choices,to him i do not have the choice NOT to be around him.
Its hard for me to understand,the mindset, as a 'normal' person,!!. why would he not want me to prosper?, be jealous because i was giving Mike a lift?..,and then be nasty to Mike? a person who was ill and vulnerable at the time?
He really HATES me, rage is what i read in him.
He once he said when he was crying 'a bit of support would have been nice', even when he was beating me?... I SUPPORTED HIM, i encouraged him, i was a submissive wife,when he was encouraged by the church to take charge of  the money, i supported him,when he failed he blamed me!. (he had no experience of a family budget,..and complained to one of the Pastors that i was not 'submitting to him',and that is why he hit me.!!...( Forgetting the fact he spent £150  in one month on C.D's,for himself,a lot of money in 1996!!benefit money, because he refused to work, we had eight kids between us,ages 6-18)
O.k so we all have our sides in an argument,i could have been wrong,but I KNOW his body language now is Dangerous. In an ideal world, he really is truly born- again,he is wanting to go on with God,i am a hindrance to him,just my presence affects him,and i cant rule out the thought that God has brought him there, for His reasons.God has told me that this trial will soon be over, and he will not bother me again.
God forgive me but i don't feel safe,i lock my door all the time,i never go out alone,i think he will kill me one day.I am very frightened.