Membership, and confidence in my "calling" And a "twentieth century Boy"

I have tried looking back through my Posts to see if i mentioned about being made a member of C.M.A?,i cant find anything so if i have i am sorry, i had a text from Di who is the acting chairman of the Branch, saying my yearly membership as up for renewal, and " we really want u to continue serving God alongside us",( and because i had done the whole workbook i could become a full member instead of just a supporter!!) Wow.... first time i have ever been in an organisation, or church where i have been made to feel of Value!!!.. Which is really nice of course but it really confirms to me that this is where the Lord wants me to be, which is of course the Point of everything!! , as there is really no point doing anything if God has not "called " you to do it!!I went to my old friend Rays funeral last week,it was something i had been praying about becasue Ray and the other old friends i met there are all back-sliden Christians1 we had all met at a coffee bar set up in the 1970's, i am the only who who is now a believer,Marks friend,also called Mark did say he had been put off by some christians behaviour but still believed, just not going to church!!It was a strange experience to see them again, i went on my own becasue Mark had said he wanted to go but felt too ill the day before,his brother said He would have taken him if he had heard in time, it would have helped Mark to see his old friends... Ray had said he wanted Marc Bolans song Twentieth Century Boy played at his funeral...because that is what he felt he was! I want to have a Bikers funeral, (with Amazing Grace sung, because thats the theme song for so many of Us), 23rd Psalm read... I havent told the Kids yet! but who cares really, I wont be there anyway, i will be dancing on the streets of Glory!!

Black Friday... anger, disagreements...

Its been a funny week!...My son Joe has had an attack from the Enemy that actually drove them out of their home..We Prayed and the Enemy was defeated by the Lord yet again!!(I think i had let the Enemy in by being Angry with Joe and some of the bad choices he Made!!!..) The internet has been down,which causes some annoyance for me because sometimes its the only time i get some peace...I dont have the usual "getting in my face" and "flicking me with his sleeve"!!..
Its the so called Black Friday today,something which has been imported from America, when Shops offer massive discounts to draw people in to do their Christmas shopping, because the last few years people have been leaving it nearer to christmas to do their shopping...!
In my bible reading last night it was talking about how the disciples disagreed,it really stood out to me because sometimes believers do anything they can to not disagree!(I cant find the actual quote at the moment because the Internet is down!!!..)
It would be great if the Church now would call Sin SIN,if Churches actually condemned Batterers,but of course they dont and Women are told to take their Husbands back, putting their lives and their children's in Great Danger, i know it says in the Bible somewhere to exclude a Sinner from the Church, and if he refuses to Change NOT to let them back, Does the church do this to look "good" to the World?
I Know in a book i read that Pastors who had recomended Women go back to their Violent husbands soon Changed their minds when their own daughters were in the same situation!!! ( I think its called "Battered into Submission" I cant remember the Author!! I got my wonderful Patches from Terry Loving my dear sister in Christ, who i have never met,and lives thousands of miles away! absolutely beautiful work, and even though in other circumstances Pride is a sin i am going to wear My Patches with Great PRIDE!

Busy Days!!

There have been a lot of views on this blog! quite strange really!most days i get hardly any!!..I wonder who these people are, i dont get any comments, so i cant tell,of course what worrys me is that my ex abusers might read this to find out what is going on with me... but as most of the views are outside Europe i dont think i have anything to worry about!! Its going to be a busy day today,i have an old friends funeral,and Ben is going to his youth club today!Its only a week now until i get the Biker patches for my Leather waistcoat, cant wait, so excited!

Lead us not into temptation.....

It has been quite a week for me, not outwardly,but i have been struggling with a few things, Tooth absses made me miss a meeting at C.m.a,which was at Chris and Claire's,who are always very entertaining, we laugh from begining to end, Helen told me that Di just curled up on the sofa and was happy from there on! There is a meeting next week so God willing i will get there!!,the bright spot of the week is i am getting some Patches for my leather biker waistcoat from my wonderful Sister in Christ, Terry loving! (who runs the excellent website " Spiritual Side of Domestic violence").and some lovely bracelets too!
I am going to wear them all so proudly,and hope to be able to help some other abuse survivors,when i am on the stall(C.M.A.) witnessing to unbelievers,I only tell my story to Glorify God,but of course sometimes people just focus on the bad stuff,when we were going to Biker church, Brian put on a christian teaching tape, where one of the women had been healed by God from the after affects of abuse, and Brian asked me," Is this o.k, Elisa" so of course i am always the woman who bad things happened to!..
I remember a woman who gave her testimony, her son had died in his teens,but she spoke about how God had brought her and her husband through it , and they had not lost their faith,it was a victorious story, and she was giving glory to Him all the way through, but of course whenever i see her she is the woman whose son died! So if i react that way why do i expect others to react differently to me!!..
i have just been listening to a bible teacher who is saying the Prayer of Jabez,says "keep Evil away from me today" deliver me from evil, should be prayed every day, temptation,sin etc.Keep me from people who rub me up the wrong way,people who cause us to Sin, the father of lies will lead us to "seek,kill, and destroy"Of course it is not the other persons fault if we sin! the teacher was saying he hates laziness, so lazy people annoy him so much he gets into sin,i am afraid that i know exactly who does this to me,to a small extent its my ex abusers, but they have more or less been cut out of my life, Praise God,..but there was a woman who comes from a believing family of excellent Christians who i have known for many years, and she did some work for me,very badly,which was o.k because i couldn't do it myself,she got paid very well (over double that of others doing the same Job),What was most upsetting , and demeaning was the rudeness,the unkind things she said to me,and even though she was paid in excess, she made many hints about others who employed her who paid petrol money!!(wanting me to pay it too!!),and spent most of the two hours i employed her telling me her problems!!
She has been Un-diagnosed depressive for many years, unless its her personality...which is whinging and whining and never satisfied with her life, although she has had a house, cars, given to her by her parents,when she was bringing up her children on benefits (at the same time as i was) her parents helped her with money, and support, i got nothing from anyone else,no emotional support or even basic help with babysitting. we were both divorced women bringing up children on our own So what i am trying very badly trying to get to is that the Bible teacher i just heard was saying is that it is o.k to avoid those people who would cause us to sin.I know it says somewhere in the bible, to avoid those who cause division in the body,not exact quote! Of course!!
So how do we deal with these irritating toxic people?, we still have to love them as Christ does, we can still pray for them,but as the Lords Prayer says " lead us not into temptation" I suppose it is the same with every temptation that comes out way, we have to avoid it at all costs and that means people too!! It is impossible to be as "Christ to them",we may have Gods Holy Spirit living in us,but we still have our human natures, which are weak, and easily lead!!!....MINE IS ANYWAY!! CANT SPEAK FOR ANYONE ELSE!!..
I know God has changed my Heart towards my Ex's, as i no longer feel anger, or un-forgiveness to them,or anything really,i have to grit my teeth when i pray for them! but i do it!(Of course i did tell Jon,my Ex, Ben and Joe's father,and violent to me,what i thought of him, this may be seen as un -forgiveness by non believers, but it was because he was hurting my children..).His Parents who i thought of as excellent people, (as if he was born into a vacuum,with no other family members being like him) i now see as part of the problem, as they constantly pay his debts,listen to his blaming of others for all his problem,he even blames his own children for his failings and i am sure he blames me too!.
Howard used to say,if i had just given him "enough support",he would have been an o.k husband, trouble was i gave him nothing but support!..with every aspect of his life!!,but as all us survivors know its never enough! Its just another blaming of others for their failings..

New Phase in Life.

I have been going through some things recently.i think the Lord is taking me into a new phase of my life,i started to think last night that i am getting depressed again, because over the last few days i have being feeling tearful,which used to happen years ago when i was treated for depression!.. but i have decided not to feel sorry for myself anymore,which of course means its not real depression,and i would not compare what i am going through to anyone who is truly depressed! its the servants of the Father of lies!i dont rate the Father of lies HiMSELF!just his minions! I am not going to say that Mental illness is not real, or as some would say the Enemy possesion, i dont know! A woman i knew years ago used to think Demons were responsible for every problem we went through!!"a demon under every rock" so to speak, and i used to believe her!! i am not sure about that now, but i do pray every night that the Lord will help us not to "be ignorant of the enemy and his devices", which is from the Bible.One good thing though has happened already today,Ben has got up,just before midday!! very unusual!!!,probably because i said we were going to town! But he is up!Praise God

No more darkness and despair!

I have been a peacemaker this week between Mark and Nathan,they were trying to come to an agrement about Marks house where Nathan has been living rent free,and now that his girlfriend Kelly has moved in today they are paying a nominal rent.
I have not been a peacemaker with Joe!!,in fact I let him have it with both barrels! He has been going to a well know drug dealing area in town....so we aren't talking at the moment,until the next time he turns up and has no money!but I won't be giving him any!..tough love...
I had a long discussion with Andre last night,over an hour and it was really easy to talk to him, since we have been friends again it's been hard to talk sometimes,it's getting back to how it used to be!Praise God!..we have had an ongoing battle with the mice, I have caught 4 in the last 6 days in the humane trap and let them go outside.
I hate using poison,in fact I hate killing anything, and am practically a vegetarian,I occasionally eat chicken. But always feel really guilty about that, but haven't had any other meat for a year at least,(I don't think it is biblical to eat Pork,morally object to Lamb,and have been told by medical professionals not to eat Beef,so it doesn't give me a lot of choice!)..i eat fish, I love fish fingers! And have some plain cod,or other fish too but it can be really tasteless!!.i have lost weight,6 lbs,2 kilos since the last time I was weighed,but I really don't have a bad diet,so I have been getting more exercise because of the Husky, so that's explains the weight loss!..
Sometimes I think I concentrate too much on the bad things, or rather the bad people,I read a lot of blogs about Abuse,and it's probably not good, I share because I want to show what God has done for me,but it's hard not to get dragged down sometimes.I was trying to help survivors of Sexual Abuse on Facebook,but the despair was just awful,and I just wasn't qualified to help...so sad but I do pray for them,which is probably the most useful thing to do for them anyway!
I was talking to Andre about how I was falling out with people,with Mike,or rather not really falling out with people but not allowing them to say bad stuff and not challenge them!..He said to take it to the Lord, which I did in the form of a quick prayer,and the very same night the next door neighbours were playing their drums until 1 a.m!
The inconsiderate jerks!!!.., well the woman at least has been trying to provoke me for months,calling me a "bitch",saying things about my "messy garden" when she knew I could hear, but I didn't rise to any of her provocation!! I really don't know why,I am not allowed to, I plan too,I plan exactly what to do,but always feel a "check" in my spirit before I do!..
I suppose all the other "not putting up with fools gladly"..has made me think maybe I am not such a coward as I thought! Just because I did not confront the bombastic bully,(my sister),doesn't mean I can't!!,THE ABUSERS HAVE NOT scarred me for life!!,I can fight back when it's right to!,I just choose not too most of the time!! I am not a coward!!the enemy of our souls was taking me down that path,but not going ANYMORE! Praise God for HIs Love and care for me,and mine! Thank you Lord

" The weight that dragged my heart down....that took me where i need to be"

I was listening to a new U2 song, from their new album,called Innocence, i think! the song is called "California"; Some of the words are.... "We fell into the shining sea......the weight that dragged your heart down.....thats what took me where i need to be....which is Zuma....I watched you cry like a baby...."
Suddenly it was 15 years ago, i was sobbing on my Bed while Howard stood there looking confused... It was just Five words that had undid my WHOLE life....

"You have too many dogs"( they had been fighting under the bed),,
"too many dogs" a simple phrase, which meant so much more than those simple words,his mask had slipped,Howard had made a fatal flaw... You have too many dogs...... Sudden realization....... Utter despair......... He's not changed..... Its all lies......
A Facade.......
HE DIDN'T GUARD HIS WORDS THAT TIME..... his true nature showed, and the Mask slipped, he couldn't keep it up forever!! SO i cry like a baby,deep soul tearing sobs, animal like, for the life we could have had,the lies,the promises he made... all lies!!...i mourn, from deep inside....

Years ago when we first met, he told me 'our' song was another U2 song "With or without you",and of course it is talking about doomed love,very strange that its come back to a U2 song,to end it all!! round it off so to speak, although of course it ended years ago! The "weight that dragged" is significant too, Howard was like all abusers sucking the life out of me,my heart had to go down so his heart could go up like a see saw,almost like HE cant feel good unless I feel bad, He feeds on the pain He causes.Always have to feel good by putting us down.....Dangerous..