learning to live with it..

Its been five days now since Dad died,and i am learning to live with the grief,i have only ventured out once, just to get Ben's medicines...i feel o.k in the house, but when i go outside i just feel like i am wading through mud, my legs feel so heavy.. i have not cried much, sometimes i just feel as if i start i am not going to be able to stop...i felt the same when My brother Mike died, its almost like its too bad to cry about....on Monday the day i found out i was scared to go to sleep i just felt i would wake up screaming.. in a way its good that i have been so tired with Ben staying up all night that when i do go to sleep it is really heavy sleep...i got him to bed at 11 last night, but he had been awake since 7.pm on Wednesday night,27 hours, i have just tried to wake him up so he can go to bed earlier tonight but he wont get up, will try again in a few minutes..