Never complain, never explain...

He was buried yesterday,(Mike) Ben and Joe wanted to go,and i also gave Sue Page a lift there as she cant drive at the moment,in the service it was announced that there would be tea and cakes at Mikes Church afterwards, so she asked if we could go, of course i couldnt really think of a reason not to although i wasnt keen!!!, we went, (i really am not going to discuss the reasons why i dont want to go there with her!) She knows obviously!.. they all do,and she even said 'Howards daughters?'when i was talking about that he had died, and i corrected myself and said'Howards Son and Daughter'. I am not talking about private family business, what is the point, they all knew Howard and it would then be the old 're-hash' of his word against mine...if they had been trusted friends in the past, i may have considered it but i almost did not going to Mikes funeral when it finally dawned on me that so many people knew, Tash had said the pastors 'wife is nice too', well that of course sparked my curiousity..the Enemies trap of course! and i said when did you meet her then,the 'Pastor' had been to visit howard in the Hospice,but i didnt expect her to go, (Although of course he was part of the church), Tash said she 'came up to us in the shop she worked in'....how would she know what Tash and Alice look like?.. God willing i am not likely to see Sue, Andre,or any of that Churches people ever again,but it did make me think how i would react if anyone ever asks me outright,'well i told you i was raped right?...and try not to get angry!! I take after the wonderful Queen i am named after,'Never complain never expalain' if they want to probe they can! feel free!!! strangely no one has!...

finding freedom, the RAPIST IS DEAD...

Howard has Died,on the 11th of June, another 7 hours and he would have died on my birthday,i have no idea who was there when he went,its radio silence at the moment...but its nothing to do with me.I am not really sure how i feel,he was really nothing to do with me anymore...I do feel free, i have always been scared that he would kill me one day, freedom! Of course he has left his 'legacy',his lies and manipulation of everyone around me has been very difficult to cope with, but with Gods help i am able to forgive, i just wish in a way that i could forget,but the memories are there, Evil has not triumphed,and God willing it never will. I wonder how i went from happiliy Married,to what happened?..,of course Mark had cheated on me,I was groomed,by Howard, i accept that now,he took advantage of a less than wordly wise innocent person.I am unable to lie about him, i wont fluff over his bad treatment,the Rape, Violence,Verbal abuse, the stalking,and trying to turn my kids against me... I wont lie, i will keep telling the truth, and i know there are many others out there,Rebekah(Becky), Haley,and the girl who was really young who he lived with for a while, and many women on the 'lodge'(staying away for work), who he had sex with, usually against their will...He still remains mine and others Rapist, alive or Dead. My life is great, it was before the Rapist died, and it will carry on being now,God is Good ALL the time! Praise Him Well its a year today....i have stopped jumping when i see guys his build, that did take a long time,And they and they constantly looking out for him when I went out that took about six months, as well.and constantly looking out for him when I went out,that took about six months, as well. A lot of people I cared about died last year,Mike the mechanic, Darren who I have missed so much, you don't realise how people get into your lives, and into your soul and spirit, and of course the monster, years ago years ago I wrote a blog spot for carewrite, I was sitting on the settee near the front door and floats we're going past for a carnival and I was looking for a title for the post and the song that was playing on one of the floats was "what's that coming over the hill,is it a monster is it a monster" of course I had to use that! All I can remember last year is going out on the 11th with Tash and to celebrate my birthday which was the 12th of June which is the 12th of June still,! And I was so grateful he didn't die on my birthday and it's only struck me today that my birthday is always going to be associated with him so it seems like if you could've chosen a day to die it will be my birthday but he still lives with his memory I can have a birthday again without it being associated with him and All I can remember last year is going out on the 11th with Tash and to celebrate my birthday which was the 12th of June which is the 12th of June still,! And I was so grateful he didn't die on my birthday and it's only struck me today that my birthday is always going to be associated with him so it seems like if He could've chosen a day to die it would be my birthday! I can never have a birthday again without it being associated with him and miserable the miserable git. and as I hate to end on a miserable note note, I have a wonderful life I hardly ever think of him which may be a kind of revenge I don't know I'm not really interested in revenge I just wish the other women out there who went to anything could have justice, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard defamation case has just ended, it's just a typical,usual case of of victim blaming, depressing very depressing.

More false friends..I give up I really do!

I have no idea what i am supposed to talk about today!..i have no strong issues which i want to talk about! yes its been a bad week in a lot of ways,but thats all going now, there a few niggles that i havent dealt with,the Lord has not shown me the answer, maybe because I havent even asked Him for help!! I loved Mike, for a long time he was a good friend,people say he had a heart of 'Gold'...i dont really see that because the Enemy used him to isolate me,by inviting Howard to Church,and to his house, which in the end made it very hard, to go to his house, i didnt stop going but it seemed that as they were all single men with a completely shocking attidude to women, all believers, but its a short step to blaming women in those age of men... Men my age think they can tell me off! Which they wouldnt do to men their age, its what used to be called male Chauvanism,any woman having an opinion is obviously a 'feminist'...(not just a free person using our God given rights!), maybe i am being unfair to them,probably Howard was saying nasty things about me...but Captain Awkward used to say that women are soon shunned from their friendship groups, even people who started as their friends when they split from abusive men.. Its sad,but i think that these people really are not worthy to be friends....and of course its dangerous when these abusers are left in the groups, with access to other women to abuse..and seen as trusted...its a disaster waiting to happen. I tried to still be friends, to keep my friends,but i knew they would never stand up for me, and believe me instead of the abusive rapist...my last conversation with Mike was sad, he was angry, he rang me to say that Fleetwood Mac was on t.v now ,ok we were watching a james bond film already,i didnt answer the phone and it went to answer phone, i rang him back a few days later, just to say thank you, and explain what we were doing,he was in a foul mood and i launched into my explanation, and he started to talk over me,i just kept talking,he didnt hear obviously, then said " i am not having a great time at the moment" and put the phone down on me!!!, he then left a voicemail a few days later saying everything all over again...it was hard to understand, and garbled and rambling...a few day later he died.. Andre rang and was 'fishing', he said 'Howard said he was Zannies dad" i laughed,and started to talk about something else,(about someone else caring for howard was getting paralytically drunk every week end, and was unreacheable when he got ill and needed a change of meds, his next of kin obviously) Andre is not a friend either...fishing for gossip, as if i would talk about my private family business with him!!. a person who only rings about every six months,after all if i could have trusted him and Mike not to be around the man who raped me,maybe i could call him a friend, they knew the truth...

Here I am again!...Mike has Died,Howard is still going....God is good ALL the time!!

Its been one of THOSE weeks, when i am really glad its over!.. which is a typical british understatement!!!,everyone seems to be under attack , and struggling. Mike died on the 20th, he was found in his Bathroom, and cause of his death is not known yet...he had been ill and had a stay in the local mental hospital, where they were trying to find medicine that helped him, (a doctor told me about twenty years ago that his attacks of Bi Polar would only get worse as he aged,he was 73, and apart from the last one, that did not happen), i dont know why God does not completely heal us on earth, but he is healed now!! I have book beside my bed, about the believer after death, and i am going to read it really!...someday... but seeing as i have lost two friends who believe, in less than 6 months i might just keep my 'rose tinted' glasses on for a while longer!...Coward that i am! We used to pray together almost every day, just the three of us, usually here,but the Enemy sent his servants, and it eventually faded away...like everything does i suppose... I am still sorting out the house,it does look better, and i am not letting being disabled, and some bad days stop this, but only with the Lords help, we had a re-occurence of the cracking noises in the Kitchen for a day or two, but God has stopped it, and yes it took me a few days to realise it was happening again...! sigh..God is so patient with me...and everyone else of course... I moved my 8 foot high swiss cheese plant from the corner of the front room to the kitchen, as it was starting to get spindley and the fenestrations had stopped all together, despite me giving it direct sunlight for four hours a day..north facing not good at all for tropical plants,which are used to blazing sun all day, but i dont want to lose it as it is a cutting from my Mums old plant, so it is sentimental to me,the kitchen is south facing and it will get sun all day,and as we are almost at the longest day,its plenty!..i will have to move it again in October as they dont like drafts and its quite close to the back door! its predecessor was killed by me accidently leaving the door open when i was 18 at my parents house,so this one must have been bought by her in the late 1970's...I am using my new MacBook Air...i love having a full keyboard again,the Ipad pro is great too, but the keyboard is rubbish!

Struggling, but not defeated

I know i am too sensitive,an old friend has not been in contact since i was forced out of the Christian Bikers,its sad, but inevitable i suppose, and i found out today that i have been blocked on facebook by some of my family, (not literally 'blocked'as facebook calls it) but i am not able to view their facebook profiles...which amounts to the same thing...i am feeling a bit fed up with that, but its life! A couple of times recently i have more or less said that 'deppression and bad days'are just a fact of life for Survivors,its not,God has removed all of the residual effects in me,thats given to God,i am a new creation, and as i have said before those things seem like they happened to a different person, which they did,that beaten defeated person does not exist anymore!!and however much the Enemy of out souls tries to whisper that i am still that person its not true!!

Toxic masculinity?

I wonder if the people who say that Men are 'toxic' have close family, sons,fathers,Uncles,brothers? ...Are they toxic, or are they "good"guys who support their loved ones? the women they love,is it just 'other'womens male loved ones who are the toxic ones..the ones who have no contact with females in society? There is an uproar in Britain because a lovely acomplished,talented Woman has been Murdered, so now society is not safe for Women, we cant ' walk the Streets'and feel safe,as if its something new?

ABUSE LIST Howard

1. Threatened to cut my face cut off with sissors, which were an inch from my face. 2.Having his arm round my neck, trying to strangle me as i was driving over a bridge, with a fast flowing river underneath,because i had been so scared i couldnt speak...with my four and five year old sons in the car. 3.being in a beaten heap on the floor, and my daughter trying to pick me up.. 4.I told him it upset me when he only washed and changed when he was seeing his daughter,and his ex,Haley.I DIDNT MAKE A DIFFERENCE TO HIM.HE just went right on doing it. 5." I dont have to listen to you, i always know what you are going to say" 6."if i WAS seeing her,I am too clever, you would never find out" he later admitted he was seeing her.