Inside the Abusers mind....,( very personal stuff, never shared before).TRIGGER WARNING.

Abusers:..need to win,Isolate victim,need to control
Abused: ..feels guilt- so keeps secrets.

I am going to share some very personal things that happened to me when i was living with my Abusive husband,Howard Shellard.I don't want to do this, as its personal,but its a way of letting it go, and being Public maybe someone who is going through this now may be helped in some way.

"A Controlling Personality would always want to hurt You at EVERY moment"

Yes its a shocking statement!...normal people don't enjoy hurting others!---so obviously;abusers aren't "NORMAL! they are Psychopaths, the modern name is Sociopath's, which is a softer word, somehow less extreme, making them seem less dangerous,it doesn't. Abusers are DANGEROUS,just look at the numbers of Women killed every year by men who told them he "loved" them.

I found the following in an old notebook from 2012,i felt it was the Lord leading me through the bad memories so i could let go,and i have with His help;(We had been split up for a about twelve years and divorced)

It was my birthday,and some of my friends wanted to give me a little party, Howard had got himself into the fringes of the Group,so he was invited,but not by me!, he gave me a copy of his favourite Music artist Warren Zevon, i was stunned when i opened it, because when we were together i had told him i hated it! but its just the same as when we were together, i would go to bed early because i was tired from looking after kids,he would come to bed when he wants, (usually 2 am) and wake me up and then expect hours of Sex, and would be irritated if i fell asleep!!:..i.e-; Selfish behaviour, (not MY needs, just his, he has no concern for my welfare.) I became weak through lack of sleep,and i became easier to control!.Later i went onto anti-depressants,which helped me to cope very well with the marriage! as i couldn't feel any emotions..ANOTHER GIFT TO AN ABUSER........THIS COMES UNDER THE HEADING OF;..FORCED INTIMACY;do i wish to be with someone like that? a controlling personality with all the TEMPER TANTRUMS?,(i.e. his nephews wedding,when we were driving there he was shouting and screaming at me,i swerved badly and wrecked the axle on my car. His mums 80th birthday party was the same,he started shouting, and in the end went on his own, which was his plan from the start!)..
CONTROLLING ABUSERS, CANNOT SEE OR BEAR THE VICTIM HAPPY!

HOW WOULD I HAVE WANTED HIM TO REACT?
..."Lifted" song?( he mocked it, and hated it because it made me happy), HE SHOULD HAVE reacted; "its great you find that so inspiring"
SNOOKER TABLE,his friend was delivering a snooker table,to his house,( we weren't living together then,but were having another try at reconciliation.) and it was arranged for a day when I had asked for, and he promised, his support with a difficult situation .He refused to change the time." i wont change this, and my friend may not be able to make another day" were his actual words..( didn't even ask his friend!!!).my reaction was,internally only, i am not as 'important as a snooker table to you').This was the start of the end for me.

HOW WOULD I HAVE WANTED HIM TO REACT?
"OF COURSE! I will change the delivery day, NOTHING is as important to me as you, i understand how you might feel a bit nervous meeting E***e,he is a mental patient after all"
I was struggling hard with the desire to ring him and try to explain all this to him,and how it makes me feel less important than a snooker table, but he is incapable of seeing my point of view. I resist the temptation! even now years later!, to think of him as "thick "he is in fact cunning, clever and manipulative. How else could he succeed in upsetting me!(i have higher education level than him).Yes it has been a comfort to think of him as a "thick" person,but its being an ostrich,it makes me feel safer thinking i am cleverer than him..i can "out think him", so i wont be killed by him,SO I WAS TRUSTING MY I.Q, NOT GOD,my life is not in Howard's hands, it is in the Lord! He will decide the day i die.
Did it work when i told him it hurts my feelings when he only washed and shaved when he was seeing his ex-girlfriend and their baby? (I made sure i explained fully, he understood perfectly). NO! IT DIDN'T WORK. HE DID EXACTLY THE SAME THING NEXT TIME! HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS, AND REFUSES TO WORK ON OUR RELATIONSHIP...

So i have to face the facts; He did not want me to be happy, ever, even for the few minutes listening to "lifted"..he enjoyed winding me up, putting me down in front of others, teasing, tormenting me, seeing me in pain.

Incident at the caravan?.2001.
I was very tired after driving a long way(,during the last go at reconciliation) and was setting up everything in the caravan, very busy, and distracted,he was playing football with Joe,who was about 10, in a very large field away from the caravans, as they played they drifted nearer, i asked them to keep away from the Caravans , as some were very expensive,after the third time i asked, HE SCREAMED "You treat me like a child".He was acting like the spoiled child! but i had NOT been asking him in a "parental" manner,but as nicely as i could, maybe i was not as guarded as i usually was because i was tired. So i failed to "manage him" as well as usual!! (I packed up the caravan and drove straight home,in silence,took him to his house, and that was one of the last times i ever spoke to him. We did not say anything all the way home and he sat in stunned silence! ) the worm had turned,he had let the mask slip, and even though he had not been violent to me (in that last chance end of the relationship time) he just couldn't keep up the "perfect act"!!..
SO...if another Adult asked me several times to do something how would I react?..I would apologise and stop the first time i was asked .He did not do it because I ASKED HIM!! therefore he does not see me as worthy, or entitled to "ask" him anything, though i asked ,NOT "told",he sees it as me forcing him. He is saying he does not have to listen to me...
How would he treat another person asking him?.., would he say"sorry mate, i will move away from the caravans" At the Christian camp we went to he Cried when he was told by a guy he was in a restricted place,another time he Cried when he was told by a man he was not supposed to be in his garden!

WHEN HE SAYS TO ME "I don't need to listen to you, I ALWAYS know what you are going to say" what is HE really saying?

1. Admits he doesn't listen

2. He is saying i am not WORTH listening to.

3. I am boring and repetitive

4. Patronizing as he sees himself as"all knowing"

5 Implying "nagging"

6 Dismissing my hurt feelings as just NOT IMPORTANT.

So last time i gave our relationship another go,12/13 years ago,it wasn't just the previous Violence,( WHICH DIDN'T HAPPEN THAT TIME),OR the threat of it happening again, it was purely his contempt for me,which was so hard to take. When (years later) another guy told me, he is "stalking you because he thinks you will eventually take him back",i was thinking to myself, WHY is he so desperate to have a relationship with me when there are no good memories, or happy times to draw him back in? but that is expecting him to think as a non controlling person,HE HAD happy memories because his wants were fulfilled!!...( In fact he even said that himself!! not directly to me of course!!,years later,2011/12 when he was Baptised,he chose it to be at the seaside where the caravan is!!, where he said he had a lot of" happy memories", i said to the person who relayed this to me , "the rest of us who were there with him don't have any happy memories, because of him!!"I even asked the kids and they agreed!
So he must see relationship as what? ..Just Sexual?..fulfilling his needs?...does he even know me? does he like me, my personality?
NO!!.. Does he love me? NO!......ITS OBSESSION, so he can make me into his version of me..HE HATES ME..the real me, the person deep inside ...He wants to destroy ME, MY SPIRIT, MY WILL TO CHOOSE MY LIFE.

more next time, its getting too much now!!..i need to have a break and do something completely different!!. Its not because i am angry with the way i was treated all those years ago, i have forgiven,God has helped me to let it go, Praise Him.

Prey

I have been thinking a lot recently about the different perceptions of women and men,i wouldn't touch, pat or caress any part of another human beings body, (that i am not related to),is it just me? have i got an overlarge area of personal space? Are men more "touchy feely" than women, or is it that as some feminists say we as women feel like Prey animals?,even in his book "the gift of fear" by Gavin Becker,it says that women have a greater instinct to mistrust others,in the queue at the post office a man stood uncomfortably close behind me, and even though i had been reading up on how to shame them verbally into retreating, i said nothing! but being defiant i did not move an inch,because i felt he was trying to make me move forward, i probably read it wrong, knowing me!
I am out of the house more,and interacting with other people i have come into contact with a lot more men than before,and the social graces are a puzzle to me!.I just thought it was bikers that hugged!
These men are ones i work with to get out the Gospel, and i would trust them with my life,but it just highlights to me that Women's bodies are NOT a no go Zone,and even when we are old and fat,because i have arms put round me,kissed patted hugged, have my pony tailed pulled![happened twice, once by a previously very highpowered retired Ex Policeman!],and have my waist length hair stroked,my cross on my CHEST picked up and examined...another one took off a chain which was attached to my waistcoat front! while i was wearing it!, its not sexual,these are Born again believers,its a puzzle!!
I did not come from an affectionate family AT all,so it was weird to get used too!..But when a very large leather clad Biker gives you a bear hug there is not much you can do about it!! Please don't get the idea that i mind all this affection at all,its just puzzling! must just be men being more affectionate than me!!
The Lord in His gentle way has used this to heal some last vestiges of the past with me,its not many years since my lovely teacher at college reached up to get something from the cupboard above my head and i cringed onto the floor,because he is a Man,so today (12.9.16) it really is GLORY to God,He has healed me so much!this aspect of the whole thing never really was understood by me!! in fact because God has done this in His GENTLE WAY, without me even knowing,from that incidence at College, to the point yesterday when Brian wanted to show someone i was part of the C.M.A, So flattened out my hoodie to show the c.m.a.logo on MY CHEST!! it was on my mind all day! and i finally know why, because God has healed so much of the past and i didn't hit the floor!!GOD is so good, Praise Him!

My Car, apples tree, and the Enemy.

My Old car has been taken away!! i feel quite sad about that although its only gone to have an estimate for repair after it was run into, the poor guy had already been once to to this road, and back to their garage, 35 miles away! i am hoping for good things, a good result from the estimate, it has been almost two months since it was run into! Its a good thing something is being done about it, at last i suppose...still hate for it to be away, so stupid its just a hunk of metal..but to me it represents a promise from the Lord, He told me to get rid of the one i had before and that he had something good for me! I have had it for 13 yrs and only the alternator has ever gone wrong!
Its raining again and has been all week, which means all the weeds in the garden are growing at double speed! its a bit annoying to clear the garden of nettles to have them back again three weeks later!, i pulled them up by the roots but there must have still have been some roots in the ground..
I let the dogs out last night about 1.am, and Suki was staring at something white in the old apple tree,( that was grown from an apple core planted in the ground on the 1930's,) one side of the tree has died and there is a forked branch,i could see whatever it was looking back at me, i think it was a cat, and i had heard something on the metal coal bunker, but i have looked today and its quite a long jump 4-5 feet, probably a cat, but why would it have been outside at that time, maybe its a stray? strange, there are two white cats that come in the day time and sit on the fence at the bottom of the garden, but i have never seen them at night!
I suppose i could just put it down to the strange things that happen at the back of this house, from Nathan seeing a light coming in at the window, and thinking that Aliens were coming in to Kidnap him, Joe seeing a huge creature outside with glowing red eyes, Tashie having apples thrown at her from and empty garden, as she came through the gate at night time from next door where her friend lived then,and i saw a shimmering full size figure round the apple tree..Tashie was sleeping in the back bedroom,(where Nathan and Joe had slept),and i heard her scream "get away from me"i went in straight away, and she was very frightened,and she said she had woken up to feel like something was trying to have sex with her...Incubus.. Even the next door neighbour had seen his back door handle move when there was no one outside, just a few feet from the gate where Joe saw that thing...
I don't want to give the enemy and his tactics too much credit,i know humans have an unhealthy fascination with his methods,its what he uses to draw people in, but it also says in the Word of God not to "be ignorant of the Enemy and his devices" I don't really have a choice! but i don't let it bother me, and i know that The Lord is protecting me and my family, so praise Him for that!!

Brexit,double sunset

Its been a fraught day here in the U.K! we have had the vote for the referendum to leave the European Union! and very surprisingly the "leave vote" had the most votes, 17 million people! now those who lost are not happy and some very nasty things are being said! sad sad sad!! and being the un pleasant thing that it is Facebook is awash with sour grapes,accusations of racism,ageism.but its only one day, i just wish there was as much passion for the Gospel!!

Rain rain go away,come again another day.. and another and another.....

Its raining again, it seems to have been raining here in England for weeks,after a few weeks of good sunny weather, then the deluge! its strange weather...today is the longest day,17 hours of daylight, and a full moon. maybe this has something to do with the weather..(although for most of the c.m.a things we have done the rain has stayed away, even when there has been rain all around us! thank you Lord!!) I am getting the house sorted out,last week i was able to clean up some things that had been bothering me for a while, Ben's not been emptying his bin, and stopped cleaning up after the dogs,so we were able to do that together,and make a new start, sometimes things get overwhelming,but quietly plugging away at things can be the best way to deal with it!
I have replaced the glass in the sliding doors, (i could have done that this week when i would have had the money, but used the money i was going use to go away in the caravan !!i get sort of fixated on doing something and don't think about the consequences until too late!!of course this week i have plenty of money, but not the good weather to go there!)
There has been some terrible things happening in the news,in Orlando in America,a gunman shot dead forty nine people for being gay, i cried with the mothers,sisters fathers who were interviewed on t.v, my dear Sister in Him, Terry Loving wrote a wonderful piece on her site "spiritual side of domestic violence", rebuking a Pastor who said some hateful stuff about Gay People, all i know is that we are all His children,and since i have a friend who has a Gay Son,i feel so sorry for those poor parents.
I have never met a hateful Gay woman or man, but i have met plenty of hateful so called "Christians", and as i have said before my friend from college Michelle was so loving and kind, i even said to her " a lot of people i know would not talk to you" yet lovely Gay Michelle showed more Love, more Christ like Love that those who proudly boast of being called by His Name....
The world has changed so much, and i suppose it is hard for everyone to get used to new things, or new attitudes to Gods children,I am no saint, NO not at all,i have sinned, and i still do, i struggle with Un-forgiveness EVERY day, i think bad thoughts about people who have hurt me for no more good reason than they enjoyed seeing me suffer,but i have heard the Voice of God speak into my hateful thoughts,saying "Don't you think I can make him into the man you need him to be" while i was thinking what a stupid, thick, man my Husband was, Howard! but i still think those very thoughts!! even after i was stopped in my tracks by hearing His actual Voice!! so i fail, i do the wrong thing everyday, i don't deserve His love,i am a filthy rotten sinner, so how dare i ever Judge someone else?....

Good thoughts or bad thoughts

Its been 8 or 9 days since i last posted... while i have been going through i lot of stuff i haven't wanted to share it and i don't really want to now..except for one thing...i wrote a letter to a person, Avril, that i use to be very close to, she was really my best friend, and one day she just cut me off without a word or a reason, the worst part for me was that around the last time that i saw her she had been suicidal...and to be perfectly honest i didn't know if she was alive or dead!..she had blocked me on Facebook but recently unblocked me so i could see she was o.k..which was a sort of relief, i was feeling really angry with her and wrote her a letter, and a private message on Facebook neither of which i sent!!and i know it sounds awful but i don't think i should contact her again,because someone that would cause me that much distress, which affected my whole life doesn't deserve to be in my life, or any sort of acknowledgement from me, they don't deserve my good or bad thoughts, they don't deserve one more moment of my time!I should have been treated better by her, and the others, many ,others who chose not too!!
I expect to have angry,gut wrenching days when i think "how could they" ...but they are getting less and less...i cant tell how many letters i have written, to Howard, to Jon, i even sent one to Avril a few years ago,(which was just a general apology for what ever i could think of that had caused this) but most of the time the letters i write i don't send and tear up when the feelings go!! The Word of God says, "be angry, but don't sin" so being angry in NOT a sin, but anger nursed,fed, eats away at us like a Cancer,so that is why our Loving God has given us the gift of forgiveness, its not a free pass for the bad guys, but for us, to FREE us from the lasting effects of others choices on out lives!
Its hot here, really hot, 23 degrees,we had a rain storm tonight which thankfully has brought the temperature down. I have been working in the garden planting tomatoes,potatoes,and green beans, i have seen a local garden centre which sells plants cheaply, a family run firm, with about four large greenhouses that grow everything from seed themselves! Ben has been getting up earlier now, most day at 11.am,which despite my complaining about it has peeved me a bit because it means i don't have a lot of time to myself!!it was getting me down for a while and i was just sometimes sleeping myself in the day time,it seems like i am never happy!!
Helen is not any better yet...am still waiting for the Lord to heal her.

Losing patience with the Enemies tactics ,Parafin and wires

I am watching Pastor Carter Conlon on t.v, and he is talking about the coming judgement and that we are in bad times but to keep looking to God, a lot of people have been saying this even in the 1960's a guy called Barry McQuire is singing "on the eve of destruction" i am losing patience with the doom sayer's, its been going on for so long, and nothing changes, even Pastor David Wilkerson before Carter Conlon!!...
I think we just need to get on with the Job in hand the "great Commission", to go out and make disciples,bring people to Him,be there where the people are,being a witness,maybe no-one comes to Him,maybe many!! that's not our problem we just have to be in the right place at the right time! It's a hard job, our numbers are low,the Enemy is taking people out, great people,others come in! these sort of worries are the Lord's concern not mine, i have a big enough God to hand it all over to him!
The thing that stood out to me most when Carter Conlon was speaking was the encouragement of the Body of Christ,its a long hard road and its so easy to lose heart,it must be such a hard job to keep the Body of Christ motivated!..but then that's not any persons job anyway its the Holy Spirits. Ben and Darren have both been very close to death in the last two days,God has been protecting them both, a paraffin bottle leaked when Darren was close by smoking, and Ben's charger for his laptops had frayed wires crossing and he could have died if the trip switch had not turned off the Electricity,God protected them,as He always does, Praise Him!