500 posts! but most of all GLORY to God!

Wow! 500 posts this is number 500! since 2009, but then i lost it for a while... oops!! I was very new to computers, and the internet, but thanks to my Children, mostly Tashie!, i have learnt! Most of the posts are from 2011,until now, so that is 5 years of regular posting,my dear Sister in the Lord, Terry loving from "spiritual side of domestic violence" said in a comment yesterday that i share my feelings, which most people don't! its strange that others don't, maybe its all assumed that others know how they will be feeling! maybe its an instinctive reaction not to open up , to make themselves Vulnerable?.. but i have been publicly humiliated by Abusers enough times to not fear it! and it makes me want to share my story because despite all the struggles and failings, i want to tell others how The Lord has healed me, i know there are others out there who have not suffered as much as me and they cant cope with it, i would be that person too, but for Gods healing hand,i am an example of what God is capable of!!!.. Glory Glory Glory to HIM! Yes i will boast!! not of me i am a worthless Sinner, but of my wonderful Saviour who has brought me through!. Only Him, who has taken a broken person and restored me to a happy and fulfilled life!

Backwards Days

I was thinking maybe this blog/diary should be called the everyday struggles of a bad Christian!!!.. maybe not even "struggles " but failures...but then i would seem to be always moaning and whining!.. so its 3.54 am and i am lying in bed, trying to sleep and wondering WHAT has been wrong with me lately, and the completely un-connected thought, why i am not racist like other people in my family?,( i want to say heroic things like ..my generation in the 1970's all collectively, decided that the previous generations attitude was so wrong and silently Vowed not to bring our kids up like that)!!.
In the town where i live there are not many black people, even now its a surprise to see, this is a very backwards,county town, in the seventies there were no Arab people, no Asian,and Chinese people were here,but just one Restaurant, which my friendship group used to go to, but a lot of people looked down on! Maybe it was just me who hated some of the older generations Racism? my grandfather frank bailey who (coined the phrase, "down memory Lane" in a song which he sent to a producer in the B>B>C, who later claimed it as his own!) he was a terrible racist,until he actually met an Indian,at work who he really liked, and after he died, his son Noel was talking about how he had really wanted Noel to meet a really great Nurse who had looked after him so well, so when a black Nurse started to walk towards Grandpa's Bed the next time Uncle Noel was there, he was worried in fact got in a cold sweat!!,but of course it was the Nurse he had so wanted him to meet!..it suddenly occurred to me why i am not like them!but i had a black Nanny in Kenya when i was a child!, i spoke fluent Swahili.
Then i think to myself i "will have to ask Dad about that"...then i remember..i am living the nightmare that i used to have after Mike , my brother died,(where i dream about him, and we are all back in the old house with my mum and Dad, and the dog!,and i wake up and for a few seconds i think he is still alive)...So avoiding the U.C.B Irish Christian channel, or t.v programs about Ireland haven't worked,pretending it hasn't happened has not worked, so now six months after he died, i am hiding at home,doing nothing all day because i have no energy, missing out on a great new caravan, because i cant face the swearing shouting of my autistic son when i say we are going.
I just don't have the energy...even as i write this i have a tear sliding down out of my right eye. there is just nowhere deep enough to push this stuff, and with Helen not being Healed yet,and her writing on her pad that she loves me the other day, i had to say to her "you will make me cry"...and then remembering she only lost her Mum in August, and what she is going through now with her illness,and the dream i had about being in the car with her....and with... and with... and with?...other stuff i cant talk about yet, the last few weeks it has all come to a head.
I have been casting out spirits of doubt, illness left right and centre but still felt so bad, but it has just struck me when praying that i have to give myself a break, and expect to feel low for a while.I have had depression in the past, but when i came back to the Lord and felt the old feelings coming back i took it as an attack from the Enemy, prayed hard, and did not take any more medicine, i knew that taking medicine when i was living With my violent abusive Husband,Howard, which worked very well, because it took the edge off the anger and resentment,a gift to an abuser.. maybe that's why they call us all crazy,so we will get on the happy/feel nothing pills and put up with them and THEIR S**T!!i better add this to the abusers school post!

child in the corner, and two of the Fab four.

I have not posted anything for two weeks now!!.. i haven't really done much worth commenting about,i went to the Staffordshire Bike show about ten days ago, and that was good, i gave out a few Bibles, in the end it was over 55 in total given out, the National Chairman had contacted Di a few months ago and said someone wrote to them and had come to the Lord through a bible given out at that same show,last year, so it is worth it! One more in the Kingdom, Praise God..I fasted today until 3.30p.m for Helen, there are a lot of people doing it,a really Godly brother from Liverpool felt the Lord prompting him to do it and shared it at their meeting, North Cheshire C.M.A, he is called John, he has a brother called Paul who is also in the C.M.A, i really want to ask them if their brothers are called Richard (Ringo) and George!!..he came once to the Staffordshire meeting, with Paul,and said that when he was born their Dad was just learning about the Holy Spirit!How blessed was that!!I come from a totally unbelieving Family, my parents just about tolerated me going to Church, my Dad had said once that they weren't going to force me in any direction, and let me make my own mind up,but of course in the end it meant that they didn't give me anything to decide about..with my kids i did force them to go to church,which was a bad thing to do!!they hate it now.But one of my sons was describing some people who he had become friends with through mending their Computers and said how nice this older couple were, his exact words were"you would almost think they were born again Christians"!! so something got through!,not my example though!!! i pray for them all every night to come to Him,In His time! I was watching pastor Conlon from Times square church on t.v the other day, i cant remember what the title of the sermon/talk was, but he talked about a book he had read written by a Preacher from the Nineteenth century in America,and a family where a young boy was hiding in the corner of the Kitchen,in terror after seeing a teenage girl hung up by her hands and beaten for some small mistake, the man who beat her then sat down and prayed with his family and shared how they had evangelised the local community, and were praying for more people to come to the Church...this man was a BELIEVER! it was shocking, how could he have been so cruel to his Black servants,(probably slaves) but expect God to be answering his prayers?, with that terrified child cowering in the corner? God sees all.

last minute Lisa rides again...

I really want to get back to the caravan and have Ben going through my usual problems actually getting there! when it seems like a great day to go, i wake up ill, or there's not enough money, or Ben wont get up until too late, he's getting up about 6.pm at the moment, AND as its a two hour journey, AND i hate driving in the dark it makes it hard...but this shouldn't really make a difference because the new caravan has it own built in lights! and some days everything is right to go... and i sabotage myself and cant be bothered with the aggravation of making Ben go when he hates it!...its the same with everything in my life i put stuff off, or i am ill and cant finish something in the house and its a mess...and stays that way for weeks, which is o.k until i get an unexpected visitor and feel so embarrassed about the state of the house...although i know i have said in this blog before that i am not going to beat myself up about this again, but as usual i do the Enemies job for him!!

National Stalking week

Its national stalking week here in u.k. I didn't know this and its a bit strange that last night i did my periodic check on the internet for anything from Howard!(my stalker ex,) i do this every so often, i was also struggling with anger about the church that didn't want to do anything about him when i told them he was my violent Ex, i eventually had to leave...there was not much about him, so his computer skills have not improved and he is not able to get on-line, for now anyway!! I am annoyed i have missed two meetings in the last few days, the national A.G.M on Saturday and the local branch meeting tonight i have had a flu/cold bug over the last few days it started on friday with a constantly running nose, and has carried on until today, in fact this is the first day it has not been running...gross i know!! i used to get colds which would be really bad with a runny nose for just one day and then be better, maybe it wasn't a cold, maybe it was flu...i have had some aching muscles, feels like i have walked for miles!!! one strange thing though is that i haven't been sleeping, and Ben has been sitting around feeling tired, until 4.30/5.am... i don't know why he won't just say he is tired and go to bed!!, but that's not been part of this daily routine.. ever...so he's not going to change it now!! i have just written that whole last paragraph without correcting the bad spelling as i go along, and it averages two mistakes in every line, whole words!.., i was quite pleased with myself when i did a typing test and scored 40 words a minute,( i think the average is 23 words per minute),then i saw a guy called Nick on face book, who lives his life with no limbs and he can type 40 words a minute with just his feet,his ankles seem attached to the bottom of his body!! so now i feel ashamed of even being a little bit proud of that!!

Missionarys

The big breakfast went well, although they didn't need us to do the Teas and Coffee's this year,but Lynn wouldn't let me pay for my breakfast and they gave me free tea, and only those helping are supposed to have food free!! So a bit confusing really!! not that it's hard to confuse me! The pastor of Biker Church, Colin did a blessing for young couple's Marriage,(Mat and Dee), not believers yet! they are part of the local Bike club who are based at the Cafe, the "Raven Riders",We had a stand next to the "Blood bikes" (who are a local group of Volunteer Bikers who rush blood to hospitals where needed).
It has been a few days of extreme tiredness,because i was not able to sleep even before the big Breakfast,Worry about Joe and Daisy. I feeling a part of something meaningful and more importantly Gods Will for my life,with people who like, love and accept me....and i am forming close relationships!...with good solid Christians,Brothers who ( i hate to say this,but not like Darren and Mike,who have their problems,) are Stable Strong Christians..I am not running scared which Lord Help me i would have done before!! and most of all i can be myself!! its taken God three years to get me to this point!!, and its all sort of crept up on me recently,without me noticing!! i think i was just friendly with the wonderful sisters,i felt that was all i needed to do!!
Its all a bit new, weird and scary!! But i know Gods in it!..So what has changed in me! of course for years i was only friends with Mike and Darren, only having fellowship with them, and i was isolated because of my role as a carer...so didn't want to get out, was very vary of going to a church again...and last Sunday i felt a little push to go to Brian and Helen's Church!..everything fell into place for me to go..and it was lovely, it felt so right!!I felt at home and accepted,no fuss, no fireworks, just obeying an inner urge, and i have a Church I feel i belong in!!.a Missionary who was visiting the church where they had previously belonged asked about the Trike,and we both joked about me being a bit scared to ride it,but the thing was i felt totally at home with this brother,who i have never met and never likely to meet again!there was an automatic closeness!! i feel i am not explaining this very well at all!! Maybe i was feeling reticent, wary suspicious of other believers,because of the last "Church" letting Howard push me out! I was so angry about that for so long! yet it was all part of His plan! It is very good to feel like i am In His Will!

Big Breakfast number 3

Its been a quiet few days,i was hoping to get to the caravan this week but its not happened so far anyway!..I did not want to leave at the begining of the week because Joe was on his own because Daisy had take the kids to scotland to visit her family, her birth mum has never seen the kids, she will be back soon!..Darren has been harrasing Sandra with phone calls,every five minutes when she cant answer straight away, he has promised to stop it.Ben went to the doctor,and has to see the Psychiatrist again, i didn't tell the doctor though but he is changing from smiling and laughing and talking,a lot about when he was a kid,and the next day he shouts and gets nasty about going to bed, he is getting up in a bad mood...I did the reading of the book of Nahum in the house about four days ago, that seems to have helped. Ben's Grand-dad Colin is going in for a pacemaker to be fitted to his heart today , Joe is worried, but Colin is playing it down,so people don't worry i suppose!..its the Big breakfast on Sunday, its a huge event with thousands of Bikers coming from all over the country to a small transport Cafe in Rural Shropshire, we are also having a Biker Church service at 3.pm the same day there and a blessing for a young couple who are getting married on friday!...A bad night last night,Ben was shouting and punching the wall and banging stuff at 1 am.I have been embarrassed about answering the door today, in case the neighbours were complaining,but i don't blame them if they do!! Rebekah has just been round, very kindly brought some marmalade, and a cardigan she has knitted for Willow. She was encouraging me to go to an Autism group on a Thursday afternoon, which was very nice of her, she has a son called George who is also Autistic, but more able than Ben.So the Enemy is not happy about this weekend,i am hoping to help out by taking some equipment to the Big breakfast event!