Another day...what has happened to Steve's blog, says its been deleted, hope he is o.k.one minute its blue skies, next it black clouds,sometimes we can have all the Seasons in one day, here in the u.k.Feeling quite secure and happy, even though i have not been out of the house since Tuesday!!..and its Friday today! ...Having to repent of the bad feeling and thoughts i have been going through the past few days..its hard to do whats right,and the be the person God would want us to be, like Paul said, 'the good i would do i don't, and the bad i shouldn't i do' ( not an exact quote)!!!.I have started to pray in tongues when getting impatient, and when thinking wrong thoughts,it really helps to focus the mind, which is strange because i have no idea what i am saying!..
I spend far too much time ranting/ dwelling on the unjustness of my life and too little on the good i have in my life, I have a wonderful Saviour and God who loves Me,the Perfect Father,have five healthy grown up children, and a grandson who is much healthier now!,have had my Prodigal Son returned to me!, and absolutely Amazingly my Previously Estranged Dad is back in my life! what have i really got to complain about, or that is unjust! Nothing!!! the Lord has blessed me abundantly, my CUP RUNNETH OVER!!and so next time i say with gritted teeth, 'children are a blessing from God' help me mean it Lord.!!..Praise You.
Friday, 13 April 2012
Wednesday, 11 April 2012
Value of Life
Really sad yo hear that my friend in prison has had no one write to hm since Christmas,will write to hm today,after talking to Joe yesterday about the whole Ex business yesterday am feeling quite angry about other Christan's today.Specifically the idea that i should have talked to him eventually,something about the whole christian idea that people don't have a choice to cut someone out of their life is unsettling, and also the curious fact that the past two weeks of travelling across town, near Mike House i have seen him on his push bike every time,except Sunday 9/10 times, at different times of day,is this the enemy,he is not following me, just a very weird coincidence?....really strange.
I have put a question on you tube last year asking for answers from Pastors,to the question that 'why in a church that stands up for the rights of Unborn babies, Against Euthanasia,etc is the rights of a Battered woman being pressured to take back her violent husband,isn't her life valued? some very nice Pastors answered,and i wish i went to their church! (was actually told by my Pastor at the time that God would not' allow 'him to hit me!!!...surprisingly he did hit me, because he has free will...
So talking to Joe yesterday about the decision ,made me realise that if i had kept going i would have been challenged about my ongoing refusal not to talk to him, and would of course have ended up being the ONE IN THE WRONG.
The pressure was starting to build up, with 'B's' saying 'he wants to be friends', and at every opportunity talking him up,and her constant assertion that he has changed.(He hasn't, and i really don't care whether he has or not.)
The unsaved world really has a far healthier attitude to this. Victims of abuse or rape are not expected to be 'nice ' to their abusers.
In the book'battered into Submission' Pastors who 'pressured ' women to return to abusers, have a very different view when their own daughters are in the situation, and quite a few have felt really guilty for their previous attitudes,but its too late, how many of these women died, or were obliged to leave the support network of church, so they could leave the Abuser.?...
I fully acknowledge that the whole thing is my fault to, i should never have married him, it was against the specifica teaching of C hrist,( i didn't know it at the time, but ignorance of the Law does not excuse me),I knew he had been aViolent Rapist, but like all Battered Women i wanted to believe He had changed.How stupid was i, no excuses, because of my irresponsibility my children were hurt.
And now i am being judged...as unforgiving!!..
I have put a question on you tube last year asking for answers from Pastors,to the question that 'why in a church that stands up for the rights of Unborn babies, Against Euthanasia,etc is the rights of a Battered woman being pressured to take back her violent husband,isn't her life valued? some very nice Pastors answered,and i wish i went to their church! (was actually told by my Pastor at the time that God would not' allow 'him to hit me!!!...surprisingly he did hit me, because he has free will...
So talking to Joe yesterday about the decision ,made me realise that if i had kept going i would have been challenged about my ongoing refusal not to talk to him, and would of course have ended up being the ONE IN THE WRONG.
The pressure was starting to build up, with 'B's' saying 'he wants to be friends', and at every opportunity talking him up,and her constant assertion that he has changed.(He hasn't, and i really don't care whether he has or not.)
The unsaved world really has a far healthier attitude to this. Victims of abuse or rape are not expected to be 'nice ' to their abusers.
In the book'battered into Submission' Pastors who 'pressured ' women to return to abusers, have a very different view when their own daughters are in the situation, and quite a few have felt really guilty for their previous attitudes,but its too late, how many of these women died, or were obliged to leave the support network of church, so they could leave the Abuser.?...
I fully acknowledge that the whole thing is my fault to, i should never have married him, it was against the specifica teaching of C hrist,( i didn't know it at the time, but ignorance of the Law does not excuse me),I knew he had been aViolent Rapist, but like all Battered Women i wanted to believe He had changed.How stupid was i, no excuses, because of my irresponsibility my children were hurt.
And now i am being judged...as unforgiving!!..
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
Blood
Managed to read my whole bible reading today, have been struggling to get through it the last few days.Don't know why....dis-obedience as usual,had a quiet time this Easter, did not go to the Caravan, no real reason,will probably go next weekend,God willing.Pretty boring last few days,just bit flat after the decision,good prayer meeting on Saturday, although there were many distractions, Joe coming in and out dogs growling through prayer, one dog was chewing a bone on the wooden floor which was very loud!!.We read the whole of the Crucifixion in Mathews Gospel, and the Angel of Death who Passed over the believers in Exodus 12,it was areal blessing to see how the blood of the Lamb saved then and now, i think Darren really saw the connection.Praise the Lord.
Saturday, 7 April 2012
Forgiveness, the Cornerstone
Well still feeling very good at the moment,To be honest i have not thought about him in the last few days, my life had been almost been at a standstill over the last few months,the in-justice of it all, the fact that he was able to do this with no repercussions, just infuriated me....I had hardly thought of this man for years,( apart from the few un-bid memories which surfaced,were quickly repented of and forgotten.) Maybe this was the Enemy's intention,along with my Mothers death,trying to push me into reacting, which almost worked, more than once!!!..
I am not that person who suffers the rest of my life because of some-one Else's Sin,I am NOT going to be a VICTIM forever, a close friend of Mine, Marion killed herself because she could not get past someones Else's Sin, by other Christians, and those close to her,she was stuck 'in a moment she cant get out of' to quote U2..
I told her many times that she was not the Product of others decisions, She could chose to let it go,was it unforgiveness? I don't think so, she had got to a point where she felt able to resume her life,after years of depression,but others were not willing to trust her.
I know any strength i have is not from me, God has given it to me, God gave me a message from Him for her that he could 'restore the years the locusts have eaten'.Why did she give up? she was a strong woman, really on fire for God at one point.
I have been on the point of Death at least six times,and fought to stay alive, why did she seek it,why was her life of so little value to her? When i faced death i had no children, and felt alone and unloved by any human being,she had a beautiful daughter...
Someone once told me that suicide was a selfish act, (i later heard that that persons mother had killed herself). I am not going to judge anyone else,but i have known severe depression,i have never contemplated suicide, but spent days wishing the pain would end, and if not for my responsibilities for others would not have got out of bed.
I know that God led me to the point that i was not going to let anothers Sin forever affect me,(do i believe that i am,....1. a 'useless', 2 ,'ugly,'3,'wothless','waste of space.', if the person who you love tells you this its hard not to believe..) or do i distance myself from their Sin, as 'theirs'.And forgive.Surely that's the KEY, forgiveness, do i forgive and let go, or believe
Lets face it who wants to forgive? ....NO ONE!!!, but as a christian we know it is what He wants us to do,as i have said before, two things the world treats lightly are Sexual Sin and Unforgiveness. But to God these are not taken lightly,and Forgiveness is one of the cornerstones of the Gospell.
I am not that person who suffers the rest of my life because of some-one Else's Sin,I am NOT going to be a VICTIM forever, a close friend of Mine, Marion killed herself because she could not get past someones Else's Sin, by other Christians, and those close to her,she was stuck 'in a moment she cant get out of' to quote U2..
I told her many times that she was not the Product of others decisions, She could chose to let it go,was it unforgiveness? I don't think so, she had got to a point where she felt able to resume her life,after years of depression,but others were not willing to trust her.
I know any strength i have is not from me, God has given it to me, God gave me a message from Him for her that he could 'restore the years the locusts have eaten'.Why did she give up? she was a strong woman, really on fire for God at one point.
I have been on the point of Death at least six times,and fought to stay alive, why did she seek it,why was her life of so little value to her? When i faced death i had no children, and felt alone and unloved by any human being,she had a beautiful daughter...
Someone once told me that suicide was a selfish act, (i later heard that that persons mother had killed herself). I am not going to judge anyone else,but i have known severe depression,i have never contemplated suicide, but spent days wishing the pain would end, and if not for my responsibilities for others would not have got out of bed.
I know that God led me to the point that i was not going to let anothers Sin forever affect me,(do i believe that i am,....1. a 'useless', 2 ,'ugly,'3,'wothless','waste of space.', if the person who you love tells you this its hard not to believe..) or do i distance myself from their Sin, as 'theirs'.And forgive.Surely that's the KEY, forgiveness, do i forgive and let go, or believe
Lets face it who wants to forgive? ....NO ONE!!!, but as a christian we know it is what He wants us to do,as i have said before, two things the world treats lightly are Sexual Sin and Unforgiveness. But to God these are not taken lightly,and Forgiveness is one of the cornerstones of the Gospell.
Thursday, 5 April 2012
who's that going over the hill?
feeling light, as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders!!! WONDERFUL FEELING!!! Praise the Lord....,its taken a few days to hit me;as it always does, so.....
WHO'S THAT GOING DISAPPEARING OVER THE HILL. ITS THE MONSTER!! ITS THE MONSTER!
BYE BYE!....
Glad to see you go, wish i'd never met you, nothing but BAD memories, GET A LIFE..... YOU PYSCHO....
WHO'S THAT GOING DISAPPEARING OVER THE HILL. ITS THE MONSTER!! ITS THE MONSTER!
BYE BYE!....
Glad to see you go, wish i'd never met you, nothing but BAD memories, GET A LIFE..... YOU PYSCHO....
Free will versus Conscience
Who is in control of the world? Who is in control of our lives? Are we? Is everything planned in advance, with us just like Puppets in a pre determined performance.Some Believers follow Calvin, who believe we are!..
Does the phrase 'Free will' appear in the Bible? I cant remember coming across it....but that does not mean its not there!!.Could it be the idea that's there?
The Church i got saved into had great faith, that God would not allow certain things, and would supernaturally intervene in situations,until one person challenged them, and would not leave the meeting until her concerns were addressed,she was carried out with four American ex-football players on each arm and leg...she ended up with bruises all over her arms and legs.How did they explain that God did not intervene?...... she was called a 'Basket case'....Unsurprisingly the 'church' has a very high drop out rate,where was the love of Christ?
We have to trust that God is in control,when the world seems out of control, its so easy to doubt,as society crumbles into a depression.Yet the Lord hates doubt,its lack of Faith,not trusting.
So how do we know what is the right thing to do? Our conscience, because of it we always know what is right and wrong, what really matters is obeying the voice of our conscience. Before i was saved i can remember my justification for Sin i knew was wrong,'i deserve to do what i want', 'its someone Else's fault i am doing this, if they had' .....notice the constant in all these excuses?....I .....I....Whats right for me is all that matter, selfishness, 'i deserve' ME... ME.... ME..
Psychopaths supposedly have no conscience,i don't believe that...they are just expert at ignoring it.Violent men have endless justification, (i suppose that is the 'Pysocopathy' element of the Dark Triad.)
A woman who arranged her child's kidnap, due to be released from Prison this week, was described as 'unable to put the needs of her children before her own' ..by her Psychologist, NO she was UN-WILLING.She knew the right thing to do.
So we go on, we trust that this is all in Gods plan, and that He is in control, and even if we go to heaven before the Rapture,Jesus WILL return as it says in the Bible,God does not Lie,He keeps His Promises,the most precious one to me being, 'I will never leave you or forsake you' Amen come Lord Jesus.
Does the phrase 'Free will' appear in the Bible? I cant remember coming across it....but that does not mean its not there!!.Could it be the idea that's there?
The Church i got saved into had great faith, that God would not allow certain things, and would supernaturally intervene in situations,until one person challenged them, and would not leave the meeting until her concerns were addressed,she was carried out with four American ex-football players on each arm and leg...she ended up with bruises all over her arms and legs.How did they explain that God did not intervene?...... she was called a 'Basket case'....Unsurprisingly the 'church' has a very high drop out rate,where was the love of Christ?
We have to trust that God is in control,when the world seems out of control, its so easy to doubt,as society crumbles into a depression.Yet the Lord hates doubt,its lack of Faith,not trusting.
So how do we know what is the right thing to do? Our conscience, because of it we always know what is right and wrong, what really matters is obeying the voice of our conscience. Before i was saved i can remember my justification for Sin i knew was wrong,'i deserve to do what i want', 'its someone Else's fault i am doing this, if they had' .....notice the constant in all these excuses?....I .....I....Whats right for me is all that matter, selfishness, 'i deserve' ME... ME.... ME..
Psychopaths supposedly have no conscience,i don't believe that...they are just expert at ignoring it.Violent men have endless justification, (i suppose that is the 'Pysocopathy' element of the Dark Triad.)
A woman who arranged her child's kidnap, due to be released from Prison this week, was described as 'unable to put the needs of her children before her own' ..by her Psychologist, NO she was UN-WILLING.She knew the right thing to do.
So we go on, we trust that this is all in Gods plan, and that He is in control, and even if we go to heaven before the Rapture,Jesus WILL return as it says in the Bible,God does not Lie,He keeps His Promises,the most precious one to me being, 'I will never leave you or forsake you' Amen come Lord Jesus.
Wednesday, 4 April 2012
False friends and the runs
There was no Ladies prayer meeting last night but instead had a social evening at 'B's house, was a bit worried about it, and started to feel myself getting the old familiar lump in my stomach,'B' is friends with the Ex, and thinks it is ROMANTIC that he follows me around,!!!...'because he loves me'!!!..( the Stalking website says that the definition of stalking is that it is UNWANTED by one person....She does not know about the Rape.I only tell those i trust.
So the point i was trying to get to was that i was expecting the Ex would be there, 'accidently on purpose', she even texted me 30mins before to say to bring Ben, to a ladies social?.....seemed overly keen for me to come....!!!! anyway i started to feel my stomach was upset,'the runs' so that settled it anyway.So sad, this is the effect even the merest hint of him has on me....
So the point i was trying to get to was that i was expecting the Ex would be there, 'accidently on purpose', she even texted me 30mins before to say to bring Ben, to a ladies social?.....seemed overly keen for me to come....!!!! anyway i started to feel my stomach was upset,'the runs' so that settled it anyway.So sad, this is the effect even the merest hint of him has on me....
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