The Pearl of great Price

Today i am grateful to God for,the gift of family, children, and grandchild, we were all set to go to a Pirate Party yesterday,and just as we were getting ready to go Max got upset and we did not go, he had been looking forward to it, for days,maybe he is worried about starting school next week....Very strange...my elderly Yorkshire terrier, 17half years, has been causing me lack of sleep recently, she seems to get lonely on her own at night, comes upstairs, then cant settle,so eventually i sleep downstairs,not much of a sacrifice for me.
I bumped into on off the Ladies from the church i was saved into on Tuesday,she is going to talk to the Pastor, leader, is probably a better word,her daughter and husband have left the church too, she says its the control and manipulation is terrible, and that there are so many hurt people put there, pretty much what Marion said,she was actually carried out of there by four guys,for daring to challenge the control,and eventually killed herself, i was very hurt when i came out too,mainly because He kept forcing me to go back to my Violent husband,despite my kids begging me not too.( He actually said that God would not let the Ex Hit me......wish it was true..)
I remember being there with him when he took a phone call from her, she was telling tales on her own son-in-law,the leader said,' well if he's doing ........hes not playing on the tape.)! selling out your own children!!......maybe i did the same by ignoring there begging).....Once when she had started at a large church i had left to go to, i went to speak to her , all excited, she cut me dead!!...I hope she was not implying that  i am one of the ones whose life has been blighted by it,it hasn't,Unlike most or even all of the ones who have left, i was actually saved into the church, so whatever happened later i owe him my life,he has given me the greatest gift anyone has ever given me, how can i be unforgiving for that!!! but of course it was not him who really gave me that Pearl of great price, Glory to God, or him who died for me!!

Headbutts, and the weak and vulnerable

Today i am grateful to God for the fact that he loves everybody, which we as humans find hard to do, he loves the drug addicts disabled girlfriend, who smells, the girlfriend who he lends out for sex, He loves the grossly overweight man with Aspergers... but How does God feel about his people who throw the cup away that she drinks out of in church?....,or the people who stare in stunned silence when the Aspergers man enters the church foyer? Ashamed i would think, i am ashamed of them, but God loves them, as much as he loves the acceptable people,because He is no respecter of persons.
I am feeling better today,we had a good day on Saturday, i took Ben to see one of His favourite films at the Cinema,and then to Mac'donalds, which he loves, and yesterday we went to the Local church of England church,with Darren, the Vicar gave me an Understanding look and firm Handshake as we left, he could see Ben head-butting me on the arm from the front!!!..

Sadness, and peace

Today i am grateful for Our God who still loves us,when we are not nice,when we let Him down.David has been my inspiration,when King Saul tried to kill him,he 'behaved himself before the Lord' and the people noticed his reaction, there are few Psalms where he does complain to God about His treatment when he was in the cave.
This was an early example of what Jesus called turning the other cheek, so i am struggling today, because of what is happening in Wales, where my caravan is.(Howard's baptism)
I don't really know why i am struggling, i don't wish him any ill will,( although i still cry about losing a large part of my grandsons life because of him, and my daughter too,)i can never feel i trust her again.Trust has to be earned.Our relationship hes been damaged,and will never be the same.
So there is a lot of sadness around thoughts of him,and although i do thank God for the peace he gave me,which is still there, some stuff will never be mended.
I know God understands, after all we are allowed to be' angry but not sin', of course i want to keep going to the meeting at Sandra's house,(even though the person who leads it can be quite hard to get along with), i am beginning to think that if i have anything to do with anyone from that Church i will eventually be challenged about the Ex, and have to explain myself yet again, ( for not getting back with him).It makes it hard to be friends with them, as with Mike i am always going to hear about him, so he is not out of my life.

MONSTER BAPTISM

Today i am grateful for God who care for us, even when we let him down,and behave badly,i have been feeling rather amused at a situation the Ex has got himself in,not nice of me i know!!!..There are a whole Coach load of people going to see him being Baptised!!!... He is being baptised at the seaside town where my Caravan is, he told Sandra its because 'he has happy memories.'( although everyone else who was there at the same time have no happy memories!!)
 He hates big occasions,wont go to funerals or weddings!!..,so he will be the centre of attention for 40 people,!! and has already told Sandra hes not ready,!!!... this is a direct result of him going to church, to stalk me,where he lies about his intentions to nice genuine people,this is make or break for him,this must be what the Lord said about it being the end of the situation.....
I know it not a nice reaction on my part,not nice at all,lets hope He is genuine, and he is doing this for all the right reasons, i want to hope it is, but he has claimed to be going on with God so many times, and its proved to be a lie, he was only lying  to just me before, now he is lying to a whole church!!!..

tired

I have just come back from the Caravan, and am really tired,i really cant think straight! i have read a letter from Eddie, and have no idea what it is about.........oh dear will write more tommorrow.

Wise words

Today i am grateful for the Wonderful fellowship with the Ladies from the church i left,at Sandra's,,i was really blessed when the wonderful lady leading said i had a good voice,and asked if i could lead the worship,how wonderful! and humbling too....there seem to be some exciting things going on at the church, and a party on Saturday, which they have invited me too! nice of them but i cant go,of course!
Elizabeth has been very supportive about the whole Ex situation, and has really been the only one to say its right not to get back with Him, and Eddy of course, He says i had forgiven publicly, and then just given Him permission to behave as before! he says know the word states love the sinner, but hate the sin, but
'where does it say one must tolerate the sinner who is controlling, aggressive, and who perpetuates fear and intimidation?..,nobody should walk on eggshells over the sins of others.It saps the Spirit!' 'later on he goes on to say.
'Your going to have to do something completely radical' (i don't think i made it clear to him that i have left the church)' You need to show Howard that your not going to tolerate being bullied or stalked, until the message sinks in.It is obvious he still thinks there is a chance of you two getting back together sometime in the future. Stop playing by his rules, this is not a game.You need to assert your will on him.He only does what he does because you have let him get under your skin for so long.The same can be said for Mike and every other person(male or female), who have taken your feelings for granted.Then you publicly forgive them, and allow them back into your life, your home and furthermore you let your heart rule your head.Answer yourself this question.What respect do you get from those who have not truly repented? Talk is cheap, to be truly repented takes hard work.Trust needs to be earned again.'....

What wise words! i just gave him the bare facts about the events of the past six years!
Well that's me told!! As i have known him for 15 yrs he has seen stuff that i have been through! it is great to have it from a mans point of view.

grown up children

today i am grateful to God for the blessings of my children,He has given me a precious gift,as with everyone sometimes i like them more than other times!, but i always love them, unconditionally,all different characters,all look different to each other and me and their Dad,except they all have my straight hair, although both dads have curly hair! my two girls still straighten their hair!! strange, when i was their age i was desperate to have curly hair, used perms, which did not work well, i remember my mum telling me about her Mum using perms, in the 1920's, and a completely straight line coming through as it grew!It does say something about human nature though, always dissatisfied with what we have,with ourselves..